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Showing posts with the label goldeen shower

Are Mobile Games Any Good Yet? Pokemon Go

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Not got enough Nintendo accounts? In between your Nintendo.com account, Pokemon Global Link account, Nintendo ID, Nintendo Online Store account, MyNintendo and MiiVerse accounts, Nintendo has recently launched Pokemon Go which works with your Pokemon Trainer Club account which is the same as but not the same as the Pokemon Global Link account. 
Pokemon Go is a mobile game that lets you catch pokemon IN THE REAL WORLD. Here's our exclusive hands on review:
It's a bit slow to get going but once you login

And then you get to have another go, oh.

Gameplay a tad repetitive but nice image of Golbat 9/10

Mapstalgic

Why we'll never have a consensus about how we feel about PC games

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This just in, stoic TGAM contributor Chuff_72 who hath spake the BIG ONE, Sold Out, and spake thrice, wades into our flipflopping about PC Games to speak once more. Chuffty:
I did not grow up owning a PC, but my best friend always had the most up to date system, 386, 486, Pentium etc, so I played all those games when they first came out; Wolfenstein, Frontier, X-Wing, Warcraft 2, Dark Forces 2, etc. Great times. Then at a certain point “Graphics Cards” and “ETC” came along and suddenly there was no standard PC anymore and everything stopped working.
I didn’t touch a PC to play a game from about 1999 to 2004. In late 2004 I gave a mate £400 and asked for a PC that could play Dawn of War (“a good 40K game, holy shit take my money!”). My custom built PC died about a year and a half later, Limewire + 4gig of porn resulted in about 3000 viruses (literal, not figurative). After a deep cleanse the graphics card stopped working, at no point could I be arsed researching, ordering, and install…

Formula Zero Grand Xix

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Who wants a review of a nine year old game? Who DOESN'T want a review of a nine year old game more like? Yes Wii U is almost upon us and all those retarded journos, the morons who run GAME and those ridiculous early adopters won't stop bloody going on about it. However, much like the 3DS it feels like a series of reruns. There's genuinely nothing original on the platform bar Nintendoland but I can tell you now that 90% of Wii U games won't pick up on the brilliant idea of hiding information on the game pad or asymmetric gameplay. 
It'll be like motion controls all over again. Everyone and their dog will make platformers where poor old player 5 (the mum character in the current TV spots) jabs the screen to create platforms and generally has far less fun than a quick spot of rub the man in the boat. 
 But fuck new games. I'm still catching up with the Gamecube releases. I distrust those pricks online who claim to be 'bored' by a console (normally the Wi…

Depression

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NOT A LOT GOING ON IN GAMING FOLKS. There's all that sexism rubbish which might be worth discussing were the internet version of the gaming community not a multiheaded siren screaming inanity. E3 failed to get anyone hyped about anything (those few people pretending that smartglass is a thing are clutching at straws). But don't worry kids! It isn't all:
AND Umm. Well it might be. We hadn't thought past the joke. Quick look, a Final Fantasy VII rerelease...
Phew that was close.

Status Check: Is Machinima any good yet?

We're not just interested in games we're interested in the cultural products that surround games and gaming. One of which is machinima, essentially films made in game engines. The problem is 99% of it is absolute shit.

There are a few gems out there; Red vs Blue, War of the Servers and Trashmaster. Machinima can also be funny (see Top FPS) and there's even been a decent CoD kill montage video that's been more than looking at a sniper scope with the odd numbers popping up, beautifully edited and link subsequently lost.

The rest though is total bullshit. Here's a top tip to would be machinima directors out there, that if taken on board will improve the average quality of all machinima by at least 5%: Having one of your characters say LMAO, ROFL or LOL isn't in any way funny. Stop doing it and instnatly make the world a better place.

Silent Hill: Shuttered Mammaries

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Is bloody brilliant.

We were fans of the original Silent Hill, most of the sequels and even the film didn't suck too bad although it wasn't a patch on the games in terms of shit-your-pantiness.

Then there were those reboots on obscure formats (Origins anyone?). So it was with some trepidation that we played Silent Hill Slatted Marmosets. However, it turns out to be great. So great that only a bulleted list will do it any justice.

The game opens with a Cheryl section that almost puts the Jason section from Heavy Rain to shame. Our favourite game was waggle the wiimote whilst shouting Cheryl whilst looking at saucy pictures AS IF WE WERE WANKING. It works best when he says 'Sweedie' whilst you do it.
Dicking around with the mobile is awesome. It's like real life! But with better reception. And fewer Indian call centres. I think Harry kept it from the shrink but I bet obsessively phoning every single phone number you find is pretty diagnostic of mental issues. Brilliant.
T…

Final Fantasy III

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I got ill for Christmas. Cold sweats, runny nose, the lot and because I was in lands-a-foreign, the only thing I had to see me through moments when I wasn't delirious was a DS and a random selection of games. I needed to play a game that wouldn't mind me running away to snot every few seconds and also one that I could play in all three positions (laying on my front, reverse cowboy and neck propped up). Turns out Final Fantasy III was the only game that I had on me that fits the bill, annoyingly.


I say annoyingly for three good reasons.

Firstly, in something that might be called RPGitis I've been stuck on the same bit for years now. If you ever played an RPG, particularly a Squeenix one, you'll have no doubt experienced something similar. When I load up my game I find that I'm outside a city. I go into the city but from the way everyone is welcoming my guys like heroes, it's clear I've just finished what I needed to do for these city dwellers. I have no godly …

Ritin little stories about PC games is the new new games journalism

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Enjoyitbeforeit gets: a) derivative, b) covered by a ""cutting edge"" piece in the guardian TV guide c) Copycatted to death d) wedged into your Xbox 360 a la facebook and twitter in the place of some more useful kind of functionality like, finding the fucking game you've just inserted without negotiating 14 pages of trailers, all your friends' defaultly dressed snoozing avatars, advertising and Rare videos produced using a camera obscura and an etch a sketch.

Brute Update 22/04/2009

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Another fucked day for our brute, she lost 3 matches...

She's currently struggling her way though level 3.

We do have some new recruits:
Wilfmadbloke

and
pisspants

Fingers crossed they have better luck than our brute/punching-bag

Laters,

Richie X