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Showing posts with the label Wii

Get Your Smashies on

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So we finally fucking did it.

We got ourselves a "Next-Gen" console. The Wii U. Wait what do you mean it's not a next-gen console? It's actually less powerful than the Xbox 360, never mind the Xbox one? Well whatever, SMASH BROS BITCHES!!!

Oh here have some fucking screenshots:
There's me Dual fucking wielding, as you should be able to do in any real sequel. 
Dual wield goggle bitch pikachu. 
Cunzy and I chilling out on Mario Galaxy world.
Cunzy and Togepi about to fuck up shit.
Yeah take that, fucking lvl 50 amiibo Peach! 
Cunzy checks out Wii fit girls butt... Alone time required.
Yeah So Smash Bros, makes a WiiU worth it.
Love and Sticky Bombs,
Richie X

GOTY:2011

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I was really struggling to recall any stand out gaming experience this year. There were plenty of polished experiences but nothing that particularly blew my mind. UNTIL LAST NIGHT!

We treated ourself to Wii Play Motion, partly for a sexy red controller to match our sexy red classic controller but also to finally get on the Wii Motion train almost two years after it came out, now that Zelda makes the accessory worth owning. Before, this list didn't seem to justify the purchase.

We were big fans of Wii Play especially Tanks!, in fact we think there are only 41 games better than it in existence. So we were quite looking forward to Wii Play Motion. Don't get us wrong there are some rum games in the pack and the experience is severely hampered if you don't have more than one Wii Motion Plus controller. Sometimes rather unnecessarily, a number of the games could easily have been pass the controller multiplayer. However, Star Shuttle is phenomenal and we wish there was a whole …

Capcom vs Who?

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We've picked up a copy of Tatsunoko vs Capcom: Ultimate All Stars Edition. The fighters include a team of Capcom characters who we all know and love from series like Darkstalkers, Onimusha and Quiz Nanairo Dreams. You know, Quiz Nanairo Dreams. Rainbow Colour village? You know. However, you may have wondered for the last year since it came out, what the hell is a Tatsunoko?

Well readers, we went to the British Library to do some research and discovered that Tatsunoko is a DC comic about seahorses who become people with super powers. Here's the bios of the Tatsunoko Set (the name of the super hero group).

Casshan Casshan also known as Casshern is a prick. Generic in every way. He thinks it is acceptable to dress like a power ranger in 2011.

Doronjo Doronjo falls over a lot. As a result we see her knickers. A lot. She can turn into a bat, which is unusual for a woman who used to be a seahorse.

Gold Lightan It is uncertain weather Gold Lightan was made before or after the Great War s…

Wot No Wii? Part #3

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The last panel in this week's triptych about Wiiblindness in the games industry. In the last part I already mentioned EDGE. EDGE 227 has a largely thoughtful article about online multiplayer in games raising all the interesting points around when and why online multiplayer is shoe-horned into a game (e.g Dead Space 2), whether it's devs, marketeers or the consumers who are responsible for more and more games shipping with online multiplayer and the curious mystery around the virtual non existence of crossplatform onlinemultiplayer with one not so notable exception.
For no discernable reason not a single Wii game, nor the console itself is mentioned even when it may be pertinent to. Sure, the console is still widely viewed as the little engine that couldn't but it's a glaring omission not to mention Mario Kart Wii when testing 2009 titles for how active communities are. That's a three year old game that not only still has an active community but also a title that ge…

Wot No Wii? Part #2

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EDGE magazine isn't just the thinking gamer's read, in our opinion it's one of the few 'publications' that transcends insulting and is actually written for people above the age of nine. By comparison, half of the shit on the web and virtually every other gaming mag falls somewhere between the Beano and the National Enquirer.

However, one of the problems with a cross platform publication is that each issue can only offer a limited number of pages to each platform. Increasingly this has meant that every platform but the Wii gets coverage. In this month's issue E227 only one of the 23 games reviewed and previewed is a Wii game. Last month only two of the 24 games were Wii games. Now of course, it pleases more of the demographic,more efficiently to look at the cross-platform games !PS3, PC,Xbox 360) but the truth is that there ain't that much on the horizon.

It seems that when Capcom or Nintendo aren't making Wii games, nobody is. Why is that Nintendo magic s…

Wot No Wii? Part #1

There's been a blitz of Wii bashing and just ignorant the platform recently. It's a bit stupid really and recalls times when the PlayStation 2 and Gamecube were prematurely abandoned, the former platform killed off in it's prime and the latter sticking two fingers to Microsoft and Sony with Resident Evil 4. So it appears to begin with the Wii.
The first bit of bashing comes from Frank Gibeau, head of the EA Games label describing the Wii as a legacy platform (via Industry Gamers).

"They [Nintendo] understand the dynamics and the fact that HD consoles is a booming part of business right now. Legacy platforms like PS2 and the Wii have dropped off significantly. They’re not stupid. They’re going to figure something out. They’re going to come back at it."
Is the kind of moronic rhetoric that gets our goat. What he actually means is that nobody, especially EA have been able to replicate Nintendo's success on it's own console and it is language like this that mis…

Disaster Day of Crisis

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Is another brilliant and flawed but only brilliant because it is flawed wii game with more a more fresh feel than anything on release on the HD consoles. Playing it reminded me a lot of the awesome Shadow of Memories for the PS2 despite the fact they have nothing in common at all except they feature a guy. Just saying that's all.
You play as Ray somebody who is an all American hero and former International Rescue Team member following a totally predictable tragedy. Ray depressed about the tragedy is now a pen pusher at the Crisis Managment Division until he gets called back in to service. The game follows a series of (not so outlandish it seems) events that start with an earthquake, then a tsunami, followed by a nuclear threat and then gets even more ridiculous with everything from firestorms, volcanic eruptions, floods, terrorist battles and even a lahar.

BRING ON THE CHEESE.
The game is so cheesy its hard not to smile or believe that the developers are unknowing in the cheesiness o…

We Dare Pulled at the 11th hour.

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We dare, is a risqué party game akin to "Truth or Dare" but without the truth part, essentially a collection of suggestive minigames: (I actually find this pic quite hypnotic) (She puts the wii mote in her *ahem* waistband, then he spanks her)
Despite the ad campaign which is a bunch of attractive bored swingers this game has been slated by the Tabloids the Sun states:  A RAUNCHY Nintendo Wii game for kids as young as 12 Well, firstly , its also available for the PS3, and frankly the Move controller has much nicer rounder edges for insertion and whatnot and secondly the rating on it is 12+ it does not mean that it is the target demographic.
Lastly, why pull the game? why not up the rating? or last why not deal wit hit, its a bit bawdy but, we all know you'd just end up sitting on the sofa flicking your wrist to get through all the mini-games.
And frankly any 12 year old interested in this game, is probably already up to much worse than tame "dares". Its called parenti…

Nintendo Channel: Now Showing

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Thank god Most Painful Moments in Gaming is over. Not only did the frustration of my individual pains come flooding back but the pain of my right honorouble friends made me cringe anew. However all this frustration will be offset with next week's feature-creeping best moments.

In the meantime, I'm going to take a quick butcher's at some of the stuff currently up on the Ninty Channel at the moment. I'm a big fan of the Nintendo Channel, I know not everybody is, but if I have some spare time I try to check it out once or twice a week to see what's new.

This week: Monster Hunter Tri still dominates the channel with a massive 19 videos currently up. The latest video, bizarrely titled Hunting Jhen Moran Online is actually just a cutscene from the game (a fucking cool one nonetheless) advertising the now closed(?) event quest. The World of Monster Hunter Tri parts 1 to 6 and the World of Monster Hunter Tri Hunting Grounds set the scene for MHnewcomers but also strike me …

Little King's Story- First Impressions.

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Even in the days of hype and over exposure where every screenshot, press release and 'leak' is vivisected and analysed there are still few moments in gaming that match the trepidation of loading up a game for the first time. Our personal ritual is to make sure there are no other distractions for the first spool up. The tea is brewed, the cat is fed, the phone is silenced, the meat is beat so that until we are prompted to press start our full attention is on the first impression of yet another new virtual world. Sometimes, the impression is a bad one, a misstep in the opening FMV, poor design or a hard to navigate menu dramatically drops the expectations. Sometimes games whisk you through the back door the first time you play dumping you straight into the game, a practice which we are always a bit suspicious about, for some people the mantle really does matter as much as the fireplace. Little King's Story had us completely charmed by the time we got to starting the game, th…

The Casual Gamer cum Sex Addict : Playing is believing

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Apparently some classy woman decided to tell the world about her tale of over active lady bits following a Wii fit session that just got too much for her one day.

Amanda Flowers, 24 from Harpurhey fell off her Wii Fit board (presumably on her cunt) and has since developed persistent sexual arousal syndrome from a damaged nerve, or sticky twat for short. As a result of this Amanda Flowers, 24 from Harpuhney is aroused by the slightest of vibrations, from Mobile Phones & Food Processors to Omastar's Seismic Toss.



Amanda Flowers, 24 from Hapurhey had these moving words to say:

"It started as a twinge down below before surging through my body. Sometimes it built up into a trembling orgasm"
"With no cure, I just have to try and control my passion by breathing deeply. Hopefully one day I'll find a superstud that can satisfy me"

Well Amanda, 24 from Hapurhey, If you're ever at TGAM towers and not so large that a Wii Fit board can't hold you, come kn…

Wiiwaa advert, inappropriate overload

I could list all the reasons as to why this video is the full spectrum of wrong, but including that as post content would lead to some rather debatable hits from google.
Just no.
Richie :(

Why Nintendo lost me as a customer

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Since I was a kid, gaming has always been synonymous with Nintendo. Here was a company that for me had awesome graphics, huge libraries of games and timeless franchises. However this relationship unfortunately ended with the Game Cube and while the Wii has been a runaway succes it got me thinking why did they lose me as a customer?
My first gaming system was a Commodore 64, a system that looked enough like it might be educational to fool my parents, however for me it was purely for games. While I spent many hours with Treasure Island Dizzy (one life and no saving!!), bubble bobble and Rick Dangerous, my first experience with what i believed to be 'true' gaming was the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES)
I would accompany my parents on trips to Makro and immediately split from them and head to the gaming isle where they had a Nintendo wall with NES systems running Super Mario Bros and Duck Hunt. These Instant gaming machines let you slip in to a simple, colourful and oh so  rewar…

Endless Ocean 2 (like Neverending Story 3)

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As you may well know 25% of Team TGAM is totally hot for swim 'em up Endless Ocean. Well guess what dilwads? Endless Ocean 2 has been dated for the 5th of February this MUTHAFUCKING year.

The first Endless Ocean was our game of the year 2007-2009 so it goes without saying that I am looking forward to Endless Ocean 2.

Some people dismiss titles like this as being too casual or easy or not really a game. Presumably these are the tards that prefer shit like Bioshock and Portal which is the casualist shit going. Get over it losers. This game is all about science and exploration and shit. You might learn a thing or two about some real animals which impresses the chicks* inifinitely more than the fact that you can do no scope headshots 1 in 15 times that you try it you lazy fucking adolescent fagballs.

Also, it will be compatible with Wiispeak so in out fantasy world where we actually enjoy online play you can speak to people you dive with as well as drawing luminous penii with the draw t…

Our new favourite video game character

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Is this muggy cunt in Wii Fit Plus (on the right in the image above). I don't know how he is voiced in other territories but he sounds like a proper geeza in the PAL version. Here are a selection of sound bites:

"Punch it! Don't touch it up you muggy cunt"

"Alright you muggy cunt let's box this mush"

"I'm a cockney I'm a cockney"

"Ening staaaaaaaaaad. Ening staaaaaaaad"

"Jog on you muggy cunt"

"Ya muvva ya muvva ya muvva. And ya faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaava"

"Love a duck you muggy muvva"

"Cost you a pony you muvva"

We don't even know his name but we love him. Excercise and video game characters have never been so fun. We can't wait for him to get his own sequel Wii Geezer. Basically you spend the whole game selling pineapples, driving taxis and taking shanks's pony everywhere. IMPROMPTU REVIEW BASED ON CONCEPT ALONE; Excellent characterisation and a good storyline but some of the balance boa…

That Last Post Was Way Too Bitter

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Plus I'm getting paid by the Kabutops. So here's a fun game for you. It's called Spot the odd one out*



*It's not the one you think.

P.S. Does anyone else keep hearing the little noise you hear when you are near a Lovikov Ball noise all the time? I do. It's distracting.

Let's do more with the Wiimote

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Okay kids. Wiimote has been around for quite a while and using it to waggle has been a staple use of it so far. Let's just say the pulse sensor thing hasn't exactly set us alight and wii motion plus is a bit of a rip off. ANy avid Wii gamer will now have a wii wheel, zapper, other attachments and wii speak. All of which work with one maybe two games. Either way by now every Wii owner has four wiimotes. Why don't games do some more creative things with them? You want free ideas here's some:



1) FPS and on-rail shooters.
So we've had Red Steel, House of the Dead Overkill and Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles. They were fun but why insist on pressing the d-pad to change weapon? Players should be able to map wiimotes 1-4 to different weapons. Want to change from pistol to shotgun? Just drop wiimote one and point wiimote 3 in a wii zapper at the screen. Voila! The shotgun pops up. It disappoints me that FPS on the Wii haven't done the popping up gun affect it is the …

A very Wii-k

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For reasons not to be divulged here, I had a week off of work and for reasons too painful to recount here I spent most of it on the sofa playing games. Sad perhaps but a week I thoroughly enjoyed as I relived the glory days when I could really get my teeth into some games rather than snatching the odd hour or two or playing games and then dreaming of playing them for the rest of the week, the routine that modern life forces us into. I played the Wii exclusively, proving that you don't need marines in space or space marines on planets or future marines fighting nazis to have a good game session. Here's the synopsis for all none of you out there who are at all interested:

Dead Rising chop til you drop (or shop til you drop as one googler who found this site typed in). I still can't decide whether this is a good game in its own rights, a yorke notes version of a good game or just a bad game. Having played through it all of four times now, I am still none the wiser. Perhaps thi…

Wii-lly

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Welcome ladies and gentlemen for yet another inappropriate combination of sexual release and Nintendo. Look someone has made some attachments for the Wiimote that increase stimulation...

TBH Annalee over at io9 says, "Everybody wants to figure out how to put their thinger in somebody else's thinger via bluetooth or TCP/IP or port 1337. ", and this attachment has to be the least inventive Thinger2Thinger yet.

Like no-one else thought of it!

2 anal-tickles out of 10 poor effort, see me after class.

Luv n Hugs,

Richie X

360 are Losers?

Sooo, Kotaku have posted this...

The analysts at DFC Intelligence have gazed into the crystal ball to receive word from the future of the European console war and the news is somewhat of a downer for Sony. But it's far worse for Microsoft. A new report calls for "strong" sales of the PlayStation 3 but that Sony should expect to lose a "big chunk" of the PS2 install base. Wii is expected to dominate, but won't move software like the PS3 may.

The analyzing wizards at DFC see an Xbox future filled with doom and gloom, with the 360 "continuing to struggle" in Europe, despite UK acceptance. They have better news for the Euro industry as a whole, with 2008 expected "to break all kinds of sales records." And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

"Release the GEGH!!!!
DFC Intelligence. Perhaps the three letters stand for ‘Donthavea Fucking Clue’. Similarly, I’d wager the ‘Intelligence’ part comes filed under ‘oxymoron’.

FROM HERE ON, ANALY…