Posts

Showing posts with the label We'll Sue

Extra Exclusive Lack of a Battlefield 3 review.

Image
As you’ll have noticed, TGAM is yet to have brought you a review of Battlefield 3. This is because, unfortunately, we didn't ask EA to give us a copy in advance of release and have never ever made any contact with them so why would they. So instead, below* is a picture of a puppy waering a unicorn. Take that RPS.
*Appears above if you are a homs.

Features as Standard

Image
We're quite disappointed with the current generation of consoles, particularly the HD ones. What they gained in processing power they mostly squandered on pretty graphics but gameplay by and large still riffing on what we'd been introduced to in the PS2 days. We're being harsh. There were some leaps forward, mostly in terms of online connectivity but here's four features we believe should just be standard. In all games. From now on.

1) Screenshots.
LET THE PEOPLE TAKE SCREENSHOTS. For the love of christ. Not only does it mean that we can share such lovely in game memories as the one above but it makes writing, blogging and social networking about games sooooo much easier. Especially RPGs. You want to cherish those precious memories long after the internal memory has perished so just let us take a screenshot wherever and whenever we want. Whilst we are at it also, why every single game doesn't rip off Halo 3's Theatre mode we don't know. Our ratio of playing H…

The New Review: Still no games?

Like all aspiring middle class people the only paper we buy is the Graudian and the Observer and every week we get a little bit angry that games are never covered in The Review supplement. That Travel and Sport get their whole own separate supplements is a bog post for another day. Like a lot of other gamers we're still waiting for an audible 'ding' to alert us to the fact that yes, games are now socially acceptable. If you so wished you too could hijack a dinner party/pub lunch with a boring lecture about games in the same way that it is acceptable for wine bores, travel bores and I've just popped a child bores to do. Even though games probably already are socially acceptable we're still waiting for the ding. The batman signal in the sky, the ironic t-shirt that becomes an unofficial trendy uniform, the endless historical documentaries on BBC4 or even our own OBE. Even more frustrating is that the Guardian do have a fairly decent crop of games writers who don'…

What's the interesting thing about this trailer?

Trailer for Goldeneye Wii or whatever it's being called:



What is interesting is that it uses quotes from actual gaming websites rather than quotes from News of The World (Fallout New Vegas "All bets are off"). Or nuts magazine. For example.

Trying to bring some 'hardcore credibility' to the marketing of a Wii game or just good practice finally aligning marketing with gamers who might buy games rather than the everyman who actually sees the News of the World as some sort of trustworthy advocate for things....?

WARNING: NEW TERM APPROACHING, Thousand

Thousand
Verb
to thousand (third-person singular simple presentthousands, present participlethousanding, simple past and past participle thousanded)
(transitive) (Gaming) To finish all achievements/Trophies; to make done; to reach the end of the required achievements/trophies.
NB: Is not necessarily used in context of the number "one thousand", as expansions, live arcade and multiplayer achievements add/subtract form the total. You're a participle. Love and transitive hugs, Richie X

Sounds

Image
We already mentioned ALREADY JESUS CHRIST ALREADY GET OFF MY BACK MOM ALREADY! That we are big fans of video game soundtracks. Be it the official tunes, an inspired remix and very occasionally we even allow songs which have merely sampled an OT. to creep onto our MP3 player. PRO TIP: Never ever, ever be tempted to listen to a video game related song which has been filed under the 'comedy' or 'humorous' genres. They are almost exclusively 11 year old boys who sound like girls on helium doing the first season Pokemon theme tune. Tetris remixes aside, of which we are veritable connoisseurs, we do like hard copy soundtracks. They are often objects of beauty as well as magically trapping the music onto a disk.

Here's our top 5. Yeah that's right bitches. Doing a list. Lists are normally the reserve for the green around-the-gills, unskilled new video game bloggers. But when you've been blogging as long as we have you are allowed to sometimes ironically do a list.

Catching Giratina

We bitch loud and hard every time a Pokemon event comes to town. It means looking like a paedo, travelling to undesirable parts of the country and is a massive pain to lie to everyone about going to. However, despite "hating it" we did go to the Arceus (and the Mew event but that is a different tale) event earlier this year. I only just got round to doing the special in game event, the first of two, the second I will never do because you have to have yet ANOTHER Arceus and well. My eyes have just experienced perhaps the trippiest thing I've ever seen on my DS.

SPOILERS by the way if you intend to ever do this event and want to keep it secret.



Against my better judgement I feel special for being allowed to see that little video first hand without cheating. Certainly better than other DLC and makes the traumatic experience of obtaining these event pokemon that little less painful. Good on you Nintendo I say, good on you!

Also, props to the 'community' for taking the t…

Gaming oxymoron of the day-double bonus!

It's the Escapist again with the headline:

"Gears of War 3 Writer is Acclaimed Star Wars Novelist"

In fact, make that a double oxymoron. As if Gears of War has writers and as if a Star Wars Novelist can be acclaimed.

Call of Duty 2 Modern 2 Warfare 2- Review

Image
When it comes to Call of Duty, there are two types of people: People who've stuck with the series through all of the newer games, and people who haven't played a game since the original Windows version. The former have seen the series' gameplay tweaked to near-perfection since its original, less-than-balanced state (but have seen some truly odd new weapon designs), whereas the latter dig their heels in and steadfastly refuse to recognize that any Call of Duty exist beyond the original (or, in some cases, Call of Duty 3 before the Modern Warfares).

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2- a sequel to Call of Duty 4- is a game designed to bring these two people together. As far as this goal is concerned, they're a remarkable success.

It feels odd to really review a Call of Duty game these days, because the core of the series remains essentially unchanged from the days of the original. As an army man in a world filled with foreigners from Eastern parts, you're given a new weapon…

Microfanficcing- Our Story.

We've literally just invented microfanficcing everybody. And now after all the lies, plagiarism and law suits we're now ready to tell our story about how it all started.

Richie: Well it all started when we I was excited about the Chocobo for the Xbox 360 avatars.
Cunzy1 1: Yeah. I was ridiculing him for having a light sabre, chocobo and megatron hat and being over the age of 15.
Richie: That's right. Well I went on to say that the only reason I wanted the chocobo was to pretend I was Irvine from Final Fantasy 8 and get to bad touch Selphie.
Cunzy1 1: Then... oh god this sounds so bad. Then we went on to talking about Zell. I mean here is this guy in this band of merry men each with different skillz and all he can do is punch people.
Richie: He doesn't even have a dog.
Cunzy1 1: Exactly and then I asked Richie what he called Angelo because I called Angelo 'bitch' so Rinoa's limit break was Bitch Strike and Bitch Rush. Then Richie fan ficked the Bitch name origin s…

That Guys Interviews Again!

The other day we were reading the TGAM archives and laughing out loud at ourselves. Out loud. That’s pretty wrong no? But it was when we were reading the TGAM archives that we realised that WE ARE FUCKING GAMING CELEBRITIES!

Yes folks, without actually knowing it we went from mediocrity to gaming celebrity stardom. Like that news about the goose that levelled up and became a swan that time. Here is the story about how we discovered we were celebrities (this will probably be in our second autobiography when we publish our book now we are gaming celebrities).

We got a link on Kotaku once and not one of those news stealing links a proper link for creating something unique.

Our best friend totally met Pentadact, secretly James secretely Tom at University. He even emailed him to check and Tom emailed back. What a nice chap.

We insult Richard Cobbett on a regular basis and he doesn’t even hate us.

We interviewed that photographer who did the Devil May Cry shoot for Front magazine.

We are listed a…

Gamer Laureate

Image
NB:Some things aren't good enough for that other site we occassionally write for. And then sometimes we forget we've some stuff that doesn't get published and then it becomes out of date and then we post it here. Here is one such fine post.

You may all be delighted to have heard of the recent appointment of Carol Ann Duffy as the first female, first Scot and first openly bisexual person to become the poet laureate of the United States of the Kingdom of the UK. Congrats to Carol. Good job. But what does a poet laureate actually do you may ask? Aside from being a staple answer to a pub quiz question (and with three firsts Carol Ann Duffy will be the answer to trivial pursuit questions for many many years to come) a poet laureate composes poetry for state events as well as being a spokesperson for poetry. To disseminate its worth and to kindle the eternal flame of poetry at all costs. After all, there are few forms of media that will help you to get laid, 'I directed a fi…

That Guys Interviews.

Image
Gaming is trying hard to be mainstream, even though it already is but not in the way many gamers gamers can appreciate because they are too busy grinding and cyberring to spend enough time in the real world. A world without elves and muscle men and barrels and princesses and invisible walls. One thing that might help the deluded to believe that gaming is more mainstream is if we create some Gaming Celebrities. That way we join the common woman by slating off how fat, ugly, beautiful, stylish, hideous and underweight our favourite gaming people are and we can OMG to our hearts delights every time Jeff Minter takes a crap and it makes headlines.

Our part in all this is to interview the top 100 gaming celebrities pushing them from blogosphere obscurity to the heady heights of celebrity and maybe see them take part in ice skating, ballroom dancing and orgies-on-islands television programmes like real celebrities do.

This is not Leigh Alexander.

We emailed over 500 gaming celebs and we've…

Dragon Ball Z: Raging Blast - Goku Balls Naked Super Streetfighter IV: WE DID IT FIRST!!!

Image
HA, this isn't really an update, but more of or crazy conspiracy theory that Kotaku may be "the man" and he is keeping thatguys down, mainly through subliminal hits and Machiavellian conduct. But also sapping and impurifying the precious bloggily fluids with their fluidic and readable posts.

It goes all the way back to Jesus, man! 'Kotaku' in Sanskrit means nothing more than "wanks over graphical representations of girls/boys with exaggerated eyes and which have possible insinuations that they are not of age of consent". And of course any layman can see this is synonymous with the church, which in-turn are synonymous with the fabled Illuminatti. The Illuminati...blah, blah, blah... Dan Brown is Brian Crecente...blah, blah, blah...Moses was the original top-ten list Blogger...blah, blah, blah...4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42...blah, blah, blah, yakity, smakity...Is nothing more than biased media dictating what we should and shouldn't like.

That aside, yet again …