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Showing posts with the label Guy Cocker

Okami Done?

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We've mentioned before how we're slaves to progressing our Backloggery scanning the glut of games that we own but haven't beaten, let alone mastered. But we can't be alone in looking at 'the collection' and thinking "there's nothing to play". New games keep coming along and tempting us with their sexy new concepts, big graphics and face shooting shenanigans. But we've still got thousands of hours of untapped gameplay that won't cost us a penny. 

However, some of those games we'll probably never finish. take Okami for example. Released over 15,000 times, Okami is a beautiful game. Virtually every screen (outside of the menus) could, nay should be printed and adorned on all the surfaces of abodes. But there's a problem.
It's too big! Back in the day, when we had hundreds of hours to dedicate to games, this wouldn't have been a problem but these days it is literally too big to play. Here's how my last couple of playthroug…

Why we'll never have a consensus about how we feel about PC games

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This just in, stoic TGAM contributor Chuff_72 who hath spake the BIG ONE, Sold Out, and spake thrice, wades into our flipflopping about PC Games to speak once more. Chuffty:
I did not grow up owning a PC, but my best friend always had the most up to date system, 386, 486, Pentium etc, so I played all those games when they first came out; Wolfenstein, Frontier, X-Wing, Warcraft 2, Dark Forces 2, etc. Great times. Then at a certain point “Graphics Cards” and “ETC” came along and suddenly there was no standard PC anymore and everything stopped working.
I didn’t touch a PC to play a game from about 1999 to 2004. In late 2004 I gave a mate £400 and asked for a PC that could play Dawn of War (“a good 40K game, holy shit take my money!”). My custom built PC died about a year and a half later, Limewire + 4gig of porn resulted in about 3000 viruses (literal, not figurative). After a deep cleanse the graphics card stopped working, at no point could I be arsed researching, ordering, and install…

Guy Cocker defends 360 as gadget of the century

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So editor of Gamespot UK, and owner of a name that still makes me giggle, has come out and stated that the 360 should be gadget of the 21st Century:
As a gadget fan with an iPad, an Android phone and many of the other gadgets on this list, there's still only one thing I'd take to a desert island -- my Xbox 360 S. With a flat screen TV, an Internet connection and a copy of Halo: Reach, obviously.

Surely the flat screen and "teh internets" is cheating? but yeah, ok 360 as Contender for Gadget of the 21st Century? It's a big claim! I mean we are only 10 years in (I assume this must be some sort of rolling competition?) anyways.

I love the 360, i prefer it to the PS3 and the Wii. So yeah if a console is gonna get the Gadget of the 21st Century, I would vote for the 360. Honestly though, I don't see a console winning. The contenders consist of the usual Apple products, a selection of Phones (some as outdated as the Motorola Razr), some Cameras/Camcorders, laptops, HD…

Metroid Prime 3 A REVIEW OF SORTS Part 1

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Dear all. We have only just finished Metroid Prime 3: Corruption but before snarky web morons laugh out loud and then point out that it took us three years to complete a game, we would like to qualify that it took us 22 hours actually. We had other stuff to do between 2007 and now.

The Other Stuff We Did
Didn't spend all our time on Internet forums complaining about how we might have to dust off our Wii because we play every single game that comes out to completion in about two days because we are school-aged losers who have no other life to speak of.Competitive sports. The manly ones.Talking about cars. We like the ones with alloys on the pistons.Trying to get platinum medals for everything on Timesplitters Future Perfect even though officially we pretend the series stopped at 2.Emailing Penny Arcade monthly or so with various ruses. They are either so cunning they see through our excellent ruses or they don't read 90% of the shit most people send them.Lying to our younger cous…

Battalion Wars 2

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In a frantic attempt to work our way through the highlights of the Wii back catalogue before the deluge of SMG2, Metroid Other M, No More Heroes 2 and other sequels further off on the horizon we picked up a copy of Battalion Wars 2 for a measly £7.99! Yes it was second hand but it was sold out first hand in my three go-to places. I will support your creativity if you fucking let me at my convenience. Sorry guys but thats commercialism for ya!
Battalion Wars 2 is very good and for us it itches the spot that has gone un-itched since the good ol' Starcraft days. You know, schoolboy football with loveable tanks and grunts and ships and stuff. Playing it also reminded us of another one of our all time favourites, Giants: Citizen Kabuto.
Play time is dwindling in the single figures and sadly progress on the campaign is already up to 20% (:() but already we're hooked, especially on the online modes which had us cursing the day various anonymooses were born. Also, on a plural personal …

Our new favourite video game character

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Is this muggy cunt in Wii Fit Plus (on the right in the image above). I don't know how he is voiced in other territories but he sounds like a proper geeza in the PAL version. Here are a selection of sound bites:

"Punch it! Don't touch it up you muggy cunt"

"Alright you muggy cunt let's box this mush"

"I'm a cockney I'm a cockney"

"Ening staaaaaaaaaad. Ening staaaaaaaad"

"Jog on you muggy cunt"

"Ya muvva ya muvva ya muvva. And ya faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaava"

"Love a duck you muggy muvva"

"Cost you a pony you muvva"

We don't even know his name but we love him. Excercise and video game characters have never been so fun. We can't wait for him to get his own sequel Wii Geezer. Basically you spend the whole game selling pineapples, driving taxis and taking shanks's pony everywhere. IMPROMPTU REVIEW BASED ON CONCEPT ALONE; Excellent characterisation and a good storyline but some of the balance boa…

Let's do a "Guardian"

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Social networking sites are great. Instead of getting information about useful things written by people who at least had some training in writing (English degrees anyway) we now get information in a huge uncontrollable torrent with the geniune interesting bits mixed in with all the shit. Finding genuine information is like finding a shoe or a filled condom in a sewage treatment plant.

We're all for it and here we are contributing to that torrent right now with this very post but it seems that even bigger traditional media like TV and Newspapers, resigned to the fact that the idiot millions will break every news story ever in their own trite fashion before them, have flip-reversed it and now report what is happening in the world today by checking twitter and facebook.

4 year old stabbed to death in the street? Not sad or news worthy until there's a facebook tribute page. Amazing wonders of the natural world? Not until it hits the "major trending topics on twitter".

Not t…

Heavy Rain

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Hot on the heels of E3, there are a couple of Heavy Rain trailers up on the PS3 network. I've seen em both.

One of them is your typical trailer packed with mysterious sound bites, action sequences and a quite impressive looking dance floor. The other is a demonstration of how the game will play.

Now, we were fans of Fahrenheit for the first hour until Monster Syndrome kicked in. Then we weren't fans. Then we were fans for the dead man sexing bit. Then we weren't fans again.

Heavy Rain does look good but the demonstration showing a rather plaid looking woman going into the bogs to sex herself up a bit did leave us feeling. Well. A bit cold. The idea of the demo is that she has to sex herself up a bit to, I dunno, sex a dead man or something. So she enters the toilets and then looks into the mirror. At this point a bunch of arrows pop up around her hair, face, tits and cooch and the player has to help her get slutified through a bunch of analog stick movements. So selecting th…

Gender issues in Games

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So it seems from my all important viewpoint that a whole bunch of losers insist about worrying about gender in games the whole frickin time. "All girl characters in games just look hot or cry except when they are big and fat". And someone will whinge about it if they are all, any or either of the above. So what? Get over it. Male characters have a raw deal in games. So there. All genders get a raw deal when depicted in games. But that's no surprise the same is true in children's drawings, advertising and every other medium ever. Street signs have better narratives than most games the only good thing games have is shiny graphics and a distraction from daily life or news of stabbings, economic crash, climate change. Do not look to games as a fulcrum in your hack paper on gender in games. I mean you Terra Nova.

No. The losers mentioned above use their internet moaning like a horde of "liberal" zombies to skirt around the real gender issue in games. This my frie…

EDGE magazine still taking the piss!

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Due to our important role as a barometer for games due for general release we get sent shit loads of stuff in the post. Games, consoles, merchandise, costumes and magazines. As a consequence we get sent a copy of EDGE magazine. It's not that we would buy it anyway but when you are on the crapper you need something to read that isn't Games TM.Not so long ago you may remember that popular digital culture magazine Electronic Dreams Games Enema (EDGE)published a rather piss poor article about Menu screens. At the time we came up with a list of other piss poor articles that lazy writers could put together but in a valiant show of defiance they went one better and this month's EDGE carries an extremely "interesting" article about booklets with games.


The little books you get with games. Honestly of all the topics ripe for an article about gaming. On top of that the editors seem to think it is a good idea to fill ever increasing chunks of the magazines with developer and…

TGAM 2007 Awards!

TGAM, Once again breaking the mold of videogame blogging. That's right. This year we decided to have an awards system for video games. You know, like the ones for books and films. We're sure this idea is likely to take off in a big way. Remember reader, you saw it here first. So, without further ado here are the awards:


The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Touching

1. Juiced 2: Hot Import Nights
2. Touch Master.
3. Balls of Fury.
4. Cookie and Cream


Winner:
Resident Evil: Deadly Silence There wasn't much choice this year. To be honest the above DS games were chosen for their titles and the hilarious link with the word "touching". But this year we're going to give Resident Evil DS the reward retrospectively for the bits where you get to touch up Jill Valentine and she covers herself and gets a bit offended. Once again Capcom shows they know their audience and Jill is all the more titilating because she doesn't just stand there and take it (cough, Leon, cough, cough)


The …

Happy Birthday Type-O

Yes Richie, or Type-O, as he is now known is enjoying his birthday so we gave him the day off work. This was not in some kind of sickening act of kindness but a lead in into our newest competition.: What did Richie do on his birthday?
Here are suggestions but only the secret webcam knows. And me, I know.

1) Wanking, just wanking- 17 votes
2) Playing Guitar Hero and Wanking- 5 votes
3) Smoking and Wanking- 2 votes
4) Watching anime and smoking- 14 votes
5) Watching anime and wanking - 204 votes
6) Playing GTA San Andreas and taking photos of dead prostitutes' splayed legs interspersed with wanking- 1 vote
7) Playing WoW- 4 votes
8) Playing WoW and wanking- 145 votes
9) Wanking and Crying- 3 votes
10) Wanking over this- 1 vote
11) Making "The Real Umbrella" but getting as far as wanking- 26 votes
12) Wanking over pictures of himself wanking- 0 votes
13) Watching anime and switching between smoking and wanking- 4356 votes
14) Going to the pub and wanking in the ladies toilet- 6 votes
15) N…

You got to laugh in the face of your rival.

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Ahahaha! Let's all point and laugh at Gamespot! In a feat of pure embarrassment gamespot have made a woopsie (typo) on nothing less than their front page!

Look:


Mortal Kombat: Armageddo?

Armageddo?

ARM-AG-EDDO?

*Tut tut tut* Silly gamespot.

Please note: I am aware that perhaps focusing on the misspelling of “Kombat” would have been a more amusing route to go with this one, leaving the glaring typo. However due to the nature of game titles, which can be as grammatically, punctually and semantically incorrect as they like. Couple that with the fact that Mortal Kombat : Armageddon was not a huge hit, I reckon this would cause more confusion than it would hilarity.