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Showing posts with the label E3

Pages from the Diary of... Part 1

The brick path was laid out before me. The sky hung above me, empty save for one cloud, the air was charged with tension; an electric blue.  Behind me the proud outline of a hill, distant and calm. I ran forward. I ran with determination, as I ran past some bushes I noticed a strange floating square, golden and flashing with an inscription. But before I could investigate further, a creature came ambling towards me, as big as a man, round and with a terrifying stare. Instinctively I leapt into the air, soaring as high as I could, then came crashing down onto the creatures head, flattening it. My foe dispatched, I decided to investigate the floating golden block, but yet there appeared to be more squares. Throwing myself into the air again, I raised my fist and punched the block. The block went dead, turning into a dulled brown, however as a I landed I realised, through whatever trickery, I now had a coin! 

Venturing forth with my new found power, I slammed into the next golden block. …

Something about E3

E3 is a constant disappointment to us. This year we didn't even make too much of an effort to absorb any of it until long after it had passed. It's explicitly been why despite our blog age taking over our mental age recently we've been underwhelmed into a shocked silence. One thing is clear though gaming no longer appears to be for us. 
Now this isn't just the typical gamer reaction. We aren't the type to jump onto the forums and announce how we hate it all and we're boycotting it all and we're giving up (only to return in a week or two when out favourite license signs an exclusive deal). We're actually real life gamers. The gamers who don't seem to work in the industry, who don't seem to be heard by the industry and who don't have infinitely deep pockets. 
Since before E3 the creeping sensation of all this not really being for us has crept in. How anyone can seriously talk about the PlayStation 3 as being a viable platform (or the Vita) is…

7 Years Later

Here's where it all began. Here's where it probably ends.

E3 Balls

So it's E3 again. Already. Everyone gets way too excited, few let important things such as facts get in their way. We're going to be extending all of our tendrils during E3 and we'll keep updating this post when thoughts occur in our brains.


Errr steady on MCV, this year's isn't even over yet and they're starting coverage about the next one. Hmm.More Wii U speculation. This time it's Mass Effect. Possibly. So that's yet another AAA game that's already on the HD platforms that may appear on the Wii U. Forgive us for not wetting our pants yet.There's a Painkiller sequel. To go with the four ports and 200 expansions. CARE FACTOR = 0Crysis 3Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Will this one even turn a profit? No. No of course it won't.We just can't hide our surprise. Sony, the makers of PlayStation. Are making an accessory that turns the PlayStation Move into a steering wheel well into a hang glider thing! Wow! If only I coul…

Marcel on E3

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Wait. You too? How did he?...

About Right

E3 That was shit wasn't it?

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We’ve been away and the reason is that we were paralysed by an overwhelming sense of underwhelment. The cause was this year’s E3. Okay, we’ll admit it, we haven’t been the world’s staunchest E3 fans, it’s the time of year that game companies gleefully inform us of what shit we should be eating for the coming year, whether we like it or not. Lesser gaming sites use the occasion to announce all kinds of “exclusives” and “previews” until everyone is bored with it all and all that is left for the next year is the rather tedious exercise of waiting for the games that have been totally spoiled through the year to come out.
Microsoft’s Presentation.
Remember that tosser with the shades from last year arriving on the stage like the unruly, too-cool-for-school but delivers results rebel.

He was back this year still with the shades but it’s clear that he is to Microsoft what Tim Allen is to Disney. He’s now their dancing monkey, their rebel bitch. He ain't cool. They green-lit his motion cont…

Kinect. It's K-new

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If E3 was the Gulf of Mexico and Kinect an oil spill you can find all the sickly oily penguins trying to work out what the fuck over here.

E.g "It is not possible to make any serious hardcore game without a controller with this level of technology."

Fact. Brilliant. Also, bingo.

E3 Again

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E3 again folks! E3 again! Want to see the games you'll be picking up for £10 in two months from now? Sure thing. Need some more ammunition to keep up those tired old 'console wars' between you and other moron-losers on the forum? Hey fuckface. It's Efunking3. Want to be told what shit you'll be eating next and exactly how to grin whilst you do it? Well then, you may have heard of a lil ol thing called E3.

Here's our how to guide:

1) Find the official live E3 presentation stream a Danish pirate stream that occupies a small 2 by 3 cm screen with six or seven pixels worth of definition, get some popcorn and settle in to watch the laggy presentations whilst clueless meatheads keep asking "So am I supposed to play Gears 3 standing up?" over and over and over again in between the indistinguishable Danish chit chat in the 'open chat box'.

2) Milliseconds after anyone says anything Alt tab to the one of the myriad of fora you have open and type in LOL. N…

That Natal Video

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So, Milo, where's you Mommy Milo?

She's dead Milo. Died of the bad AIDS.

You gonna cry? Oh you can't because you haven't been scripted to.

Here's a picture of a wang Milo. Do you like it? Here's a picture of a swastika Milo. Do you like that?

We're going to play a game now Milo. But you can't tell anyone about it....

Achievement Unlocked: Do a "Peter Molyneux".

E3 Return

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Right well,

Finally back from E3 where the thatguys were in full effect, we exposed the game we discussed rumours on the movie based on the game, based on the blog. We traded pokemon with some of the top high ranking execs of Capcom, Eidos, ID Games and Blizzard. We held con-calls with our thatguys branded iPhones.

We got drunk with a few of the Konami booth babes, who couldn’t speak English. We discussed the Transformers Movie and its sequels, including the possibility of thatguys sponsorship.


Omastar Comics is huge over there, personally I thought most American were ”stupid”, but as it torns out they really dig the moral and social commentary that omastar represents, as such we have another non-canon E3 Omastar comic:


This week Omastar (and Magmar) Discuss the growing market of anal sex toys and whether the vagina is receiving enough/too much attention.

Wnak