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Showing posts with the label Care factor: Zero

Maptastic

Woo doggy. We're even more internet famous than we were before.

We heard something about someone but we're too afraid to write about it on the Internet

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Fortunately, Alcamoth Citizen our journalist from Xenoblade Chronicles is in a place where the press can't touch her. She truly has freedom of speech. So Alcamoth Citizen, lay it on us. What's the haps? I think that that says it all. I hope we haven't implicated anyone directly or indirectly with this post....

Final Fantasy III

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I got ill for Christmas. Cold sweats, runny nose, the lot and because I was in lands-a-foreign, the only thing I had to see me through moments when I wasn't delirious was a DS and a random selection of games. I needed to play a game that wouldn't mind me running away to snot every few seconds and also one that I could play in all three positions (laying on my front, reverse cowboy and neck propped up). Turns out Final Fantasy III was the only game that I had on me that fits the bill, annoyingly.


I say annoyingly for three good reasons.

Firstly, in something that might be called RPGitis I've been stuck on the same bit for years now. If you ever played an RPG, particularly a Squeenix one, you'll have no doubt experienced something similar. When I load up my game I find that I'm outside a city. I go into the city but from the way everyone is welcoming my guys like heroes, it's clear I've just finished what I needed to do for these city dwellers. I have no godly …

Needed: Fanfiction

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Well the Hunk competition is over. After two years we've had no entries. This can be taken as proof that you can't trust the Machinima community. Fuck you Machinima community. Fuck you.

How will the fanfiction guys fare? We're running another competition (wow now we're just like the official Mega Man site!). As you may well now, Wesker is to appear as a rip off DLC pish in Lost Planet 2. What we want to know is how did he get there?

Feel free to dick around with the "Resident Evil Canon" as Capcom so frequently do but do make sure your fic. contains the following elements:

1) Barry Burton's daughters Polly and Moira.
2) Tits McGee from Dead Rising.
3) Dante slicing a whole train in half.
4) A non racist justification for Sheva's totally racist costume in RE5.
5) Jill and Rebecca talking about who they fancy in S.T.A.R.S.
6) Cheryl Jones' supplementary mission in it's entirety.
7) A recurring joke about how Mega Man is into Moira Burton.
8) Tofu.
9) Morri…

That Guys Interviews Again!

The other day we were reading the TGAM archives and laughing out loud at ourselves. Out loud. That’s pretty wrong no? But it was when we were reading the TGAM archives that we realised that WE ARE FUCKING GAMING CELEBRITIES!

Yes folks, without actually knowing it we went from mediocrity to gaming celebrity stardom. Like that news about the goose that levelled up and became a swan that time. Here is the story about how we discovered we were celebrities (this will probably be in our second autobiography when we publish our book now we are gaming celebrities).

We got a link on Kotaku once and not one of those news stealing links a proper link for creating something unique.

Our best friend totally met Pentadact, secretly James secretely Tom at University. He even emailed him to check and Tom emailed back. What a nice chap.

We insult Richard Cobbett on a regular basis and he doesn’t even hate us.

We interviewed that photographer who did the Devil May Cry shoot for Front magazine.

We are listed a…

That Guys Interviews.

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Gaming is trying hard to be mainstream, even though it already is but not in the way many gamers gamers can appreciate because they are too busy grinding and cyberring to spend enough time in the real world. A world without elves and muscle men and barrels and princesses and invisible walls. One thing that might help the deluded to believe that gaming is more mainstream is if we create some Gaming Celebrities. That way we join the common woman by slating off how fat, ugly, beautiful, stylish, hideous and underweight our favourite gaming people are and we can OMG to our hearts delights every time Jeff Minter takes a crap and it makes headlines.

Our part in all this is to interview the top 100 gaming celebrities pushing them from blogosphere obscurity to the heady heights of celebrity and maybe see them take part in ice skating, ballroom dancing and orgies-on-islands television programmes like real celebrities do.

This is not Leigh Alexander.

We emailed over 500 gaming celebs and we've…

The PC Guys are all a bit bitter about Gameswipe

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Perhaps it is because they couldn't get it off steam? Or maybe because they had to actually watch TV and they haven't done that for ages.

Rock Paper Shotgun summed the show up pretty well.

Richard Cobbett continues to look like David Mitchell.

But if there is anything the men, who have mostly had marginal success writing for dying magazines and a niche following on the old blogosphere (RICH, SO RICH COMING FROM US), have said that makes sense is that the show felt very cobbled together because it was trying to do justice to the whole of gaming kind in a single show. And for an audience wider than the gamer gamers (see pie chart, the red slice). It could easily be a 420 part series but then who would watch it? Gamers think they know it all. The average TV watcher probably doesn't give a shit.

Then again the same demographic expressing dissapointment at Gameswipe are the same people who regularly bemoan TV for being totally shit. So you can't have it both ways. Although I im…

New SI Unit approaching!

In the past humanity has got by with descriptions of the passing of time using the seconds, minutes, hours etc. units of time measurement.

However, today TGAM is proud to launch a new unit for the measurement of time.

It is the TTECNK. Which stands for Time it Takes the Escapist to Copy News from Kotaku. It is pronounced Time it Takes the Escapist to Copy News from Kotaku and is the standard measurement of time it takes writers at the Escapist to copy and paste news articles which Kotaku stole from around the web and to publish them. It is equivalent to 'about six hours' in the previous units used to measure time.

Here's some tips on how to use the new unit in conversation:

"I haven't seen you in three TTECNKs"

"It was a short game it only took me a TTECNK"

"She only lasted for 1/20th of a TTECNK before climaxing. And to think I'd waited 2920 TTECNKs for it"

That is all.

Hideo Kojima updates site with cryptic message

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Hideo "hasn't made a decent game for quite a while and won't be continuing Metal Gear series" has been updating the Kojima productions site with all kinds of bullshit. Scenic imagery, counters that countdown to more counters and other crap that has Kotaku and nobody else even remotely excited. Until this morning that is.



At 4am this morning GMT the above image went up on the site. What does it mean?

The REAL reason why EDGE-Online's Whole Team Quit

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Because copying and pasting articles from the magazine and news from Kotaku can get really really tiring quite quickly.

We got another letter!

Dear Thatguys,

Since you guys seem to be into survival horror, I was just wondering what you think of Silent Hill: Homecoming. And what do you guys make of Dead Space?

Regards,

Sherryluvr296.


Well reader, thanks for your question, clearly you are an avid reader and saw our recent epic post on survival horror. Firstly nobody has actually managed to have a proper play at Silent Hill: Homecoming because yet once again, Europe sat at home quietly waiting by the phone for Konami to ring. They promised they would phone in mid-November, but no. We just get a text from our mutual friend Kotaku, saying that Konami is having a bit of a hard time and wont be able to meet up until at least Q1 of 2009. So we retire back to watching X-factor, crying softly into our knitting thinking about all the dizzying and sordid acts that America is currently doing to Konami's Silent Hill!

In short, we are looking forward to it… Expect a review in 2009 along with us prising Konami for giving us some really cool …

Chortle

Been playing a lot of SSBB recently and this video really struck a chord.



Gotta love Captain Falcon even if you hate his games.

Once you go fat, you never look back!

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You can't. It is physically impossible.




Anyway TGAM are going to wade into the cluster fuck bandwagon about some game where the job is to rescue a fat princess. It's by Sony or some shit. Anyway the low down is here and here. It turns out that some parties are upset because it depicts a fat woman or something along those lines. That is such a lazy line to take especially when we are judging from press releases and screenshots. Here are some further (and frankly better) complaints to make so that everyone can jump on this bandwagon and rail against evil sony, catering the whinge to whatever floats ones boat.
1) Fat Princess is racist both the titular princess and the katamari dude are white. What? Asians can't be princesses? Blacks can't be fat? Racist filth etc. etc.

2) Fat Princess is ageist. The princess looks young. What? Old people can't be princesses? Babies can't be princesses?

3) Fat Princess is sexist. The princess looks like a woman. What? Men and tra…

TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever: Number 45

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Welcome back to the Top 50! What comes after 46? Well, it's only 45! Some of you predicted this one on our Top 50 forum thread. Yes, it's Final Fantasy VIII!

This is the only Final Fantasy on the list! We know what you are thinking, "Final Fantasy VIII! Better than VI!". And the answer is yes! Final Fantasy VIII had everything and it is still the most played of the Final Fantasies IN THE WORLD. It had a great storyline, especially the bit where you had to talk to a dog and the bit where everyone remembers that they forgot that they all grew up together! Squeenix gold. VIII makes the grade because it is the only Final Fantasy with three "woulds" in the main line up (Irvine, Rinoa, Tifa). Lastly, like all gamers TGAM cried like a widdle girl when Rinoa died! What a game, what a 45th TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever entry!

The list so far:

46: Resident Evil Genesis
47: Dino Crisis 3
48: Dead Rising
49: Resident Evil Conf…

Next week on TGAM

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In order to belatedly celebrate our 2nd birthday and Capcom's 25th birthday and because there is nothing happening in games at all we're going to sell out like IGN and do TGAM top 25 no a top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever. To shake up the usual format we're going to start at number 50 and work our way through until we get to number 1. Then we're going to stop and do other posts.

Given our recent activity levels this will probably take 38 years because we'll lose enthusiasm after number 47.

So don't just sit around wanking over big brother for the next 38 years. Instead start pointless forum posts hypothesising about who is going to be number 11. Write a letter to EDGE when we include Final Fantasy XI but not VI or VII! Try to convince us to put any Zelda or Metroid* games in the list. You even have your chance to vote** for the top ten in this list so try to get all those underated multimillion selling games like Ico and th…

O-o

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Whatever next? My brain age isn't 20? You mean these things aren't telling the truth? So Aeris isn't dead? The Arabs aren't all bad? Frankly, if you are appearing on morning TV because your child was a bit annoyed because her Wii told her she was fat then you must have very very little in your life to worry about otherwise.
Oh well, let's hope Ninty send chubby a check or something.

Overheard on the tube....

Aussieman: So I'm really tired today. I was up till four last night playing GTAIV.
Aussieman's friend: Oh yeah? Any good?
Aussieman: Well it isn't as good as Gears but maybe I haven't played it enough yet.
Aussieman's friend: I used to play Vice city on my housemates PS2. It was sweet.
Aussieman: Yeah well it's okay but there was another game on the 360 that was much better. The graphics were smoother and the story was better. No one I know has ever played it though so..
Aussieman's friend: What game was that?
Aussieman: Saint's Row.

O-o. So yeah GTAIV. I had a bit of a throw down with it the other day. It's good but as you are pissing around you know that this game is huge and you start to feel a bit scared and overwhelmed. The side missions, cheevos, hidden packages? and silly easter eggs. But as Aussieman shows maybe GTAIV isn't such a big thing for the casual gamer. Oh well time will tell but at least someone may notice when Saints Row 2 comes out.…

Oh Shit moments in games

I kid you not. I saw this as the name of a forum thread. Why do gamers (those who can get beyond platform hating or rating Youtube videos with slur) insist on making top tens of completely subjective matters. Is it to out-I-know-more-stuff-about-games each other? Or are gamers so emotionally and creatively retarded that they struggle if they aren't creating a top ten list? Idiots all of you. Check EDGE's Online Offline selection in their letter pages for the worst kind of wankery and whinging.

Here they are:

1) The second loading screen on Medal of Honour Rising Sun. After the initial loading screen, when the bar pops up and fills up. The game doesn't load until a minute after the bar fills up though. Amazing.

2) When the install wizard for Darwinia comes up. So many gamers I know love this classic sequence.

3) The first time the pause screen comes up on Tetris. Ohhh shit!

4) When you first mix the yellow herb in Resident Evil 4 and you get the little mixed herb image. Oh shit.

Blah, blah, blah

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Discerning readers may have caught wind of the latest study confirming that there is a positive correlation between exposure to violent media and violent behaviour.
The study was undertaken by L. Rowell Huesmann at the University of Michigan, funded by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and published in the Journal of Adolescent Health.

In an uncharacteristic manoeuvre we actually got hold of this journal paper, unlike most of these scummers, and had a read. And what you find in the report is not what is being bounced around the web, cut down into bite size chunks for morons like you and me to read, comment on and then ignore.

The paper was good but didn't have any images. There is only one typo, which, although unfortunate isn't entirely unexpected.

There we go, yet another example of high fidelity Gaming Journalism from the World's Second Greatest Video Game Blog of All Time, That Guy's A Maniac.

Console in grooming scandal

Fanboy…. It seems a harmless term, no?

In most cases fanboyism starts when someone claims to prefer one system’s merits over another. Be it the aesthetic qualities, technological differences or accessibility.

People generally have to choose one particular system due to pricing, and dependant on the “flavour of the generation” people will change their arguments. In the case of the current generation you have a new breed of Nintendo fanboy who chose that system because of the “innovative” Wii-mote, these people will claim that graphics are non-essential and that gameplay is core. Or in the case of the 360, more and more 360 fanboys are cropping up as previously PS2 players bite the bullet, and buy a 360 due to the extensive catalogue and pricing which the PS3 cannot currently offer. That’s all fair and good these are good reasons to buy the consoles. But it does not stop there, certain people then feel that they then have to either justify their purchase, either with almost religious like…