That guy's a Maniac...

Go here and read this

noreply@blogger.com (Cunzy11) — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 11:01:00 +0000

What a prick

A weekend of two (4) games

noreply@blogger.com (Cunzy11) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:59:00 +0000

Yes children! This weekend I actually played some games. Shock and awe is what you are no doubt feeling now. Not satisfied with persistently sitting on the sidelines poo pooing any game that someone else might be interested I decided to see if I still had it and played me some games*.

First up I played Turok for the Xbox 360. Totally bog standard shooter that borrows more than quite a lot from Gears of War from the token black guy who carries big guns to running around for six levels for the sake of some comms device. However, it had dinosaurs in it which means an instant 10/10. I totally busted it too! It took me a shocking 15 hours-ish but I enjoyed it nonetheless. All that crap about decent AI was still total bullshit too but it did have some nice boss battles. It is sad that the cheevos were so poorly thought through with the majority linked to multiplayer crap.

Then I busted up Dinotopia The Sunstone Odyysey. It took about 5 hours and 50 minutes of my life. The game started off as truly awful and then got progressively better until it peaked at 10/10 around 2 minutes into the game. If you haven't heard of it, buy it and play it. It's an underrated classic, you know like Beyond Good and Evil and Ico. In fact there was a general consensus that it was similar to but much much better than WoW.

I also tried to do Dino Crisis 3, going for the holy Xbox Dino Games Triathlon but the smart guys at Microsoft haven't made it back compatible yet. SAD SMILEY FACES ON THE HOUSE GUYS.

Then we did some museuming, firstly in Liberty City Museum, taking in the Triceratops, Tyrannosaurus and Whale (below). Then in Chicago Historical museum(above)! It was sweet!

Expect all this dinosaur related-shittery to get the full treatment over here sometime before 2009.

*Assholes in the audience point out that Turok, GTA IV, Stranglehold or Dinotopia are not real games, then go back to playing Guitar Hero and WoW.

The people who are actually excited about Mirror's Edge

noreply@blogger.com (Cunzy11) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 10:22:00 +0000

In no particular order:

Electronic Arts.
People who didn't get the memo about free running "the fad" being over.
15-17 year old skateboarders.
EDGE magazine until it's rated [6] even after such a glowing preview article.
PS3 owners who don't yet realise it is multiplatform.

Review Based on Wikipedia Page
It had so much potential but despite promises is very linear and frustrating. The camera isn't quite FPS perspective which leads to some odd moments where arms are inexplicably long. Animations of legs and looking at the floor the whole time grates. 6/10

This Geekend

noreply@blogger.com (Cunzy11) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 08:16:00 +0000

Future Publishing: NOW HIRING

noreply@blogger.com (Cunzy11) — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:55:00 +0000

Wanted: 'Ideas' person for EDGE magazine.
Job Description: To think of game-related shit for writers to fill three to fourty pages with.

Menu Screens. Menu screens. The latest issue of EDGE includes an article about menu screens. You know, the bit in games before the main game. Not only is the appreciation of menu screens long overdue but it is plagiarised from us, with our prestiguous best menu screen award of DEC 2007 and our love of alternative menu screens hinted at here in August 2006.

Furthermore, it's boring. It's okay for the losers of the world's 715,214 most popular-as ranked by Technorati- blog to write about it. However, unlike TGAM I don't have to waste my life and £4.50 to access it. Just my life and a bit more of my life to write it. In order to help EDGE magazine staff out so that I, and maybe you, don't waste further pennies and minutes here are some more ideas (some of which may have already been used, I didn't check) to fill the mag with through the empty, empty summer months:

An article about the best game boxes. Jewel cases the lost art form? or Why do the Japanese get all the cool boxes and we get cardboard crap that doesn't stand the test of time?

An article about the little shapes on the spine of the Nintendo game boxes and what they mean. I know what they mean! I know!

An article about some of EDGE's previous worst articles from the TIME EXTEND articles about the most obscure overhyped games which they rated 5/10 in previous issues to the endless Scandinavian dev articles.

An article about GAMES TM and how they are total copyface copies. Big copy cats! But more pages.

An article about the best use of the square button. Light kick, taunt or all-the-way-back-to-the-first-menu-screen? Perhaps Simon Pegg and Daniel Craig could vote for the winning use.

A behind the scenes article about how Future Publishing employs about four people who write all the mags but take on different personas for each one: child minded wacky fun goers for ONM, trendy flat cap wearing dropouts for EDGE and psychotic e-number addicted savants for N-Gamer.

An article about itself with images of Molyneaux, who holds placards with Fable 3? 11/10 written on them in various Wario Ware poses.

An article about chess and monopoly and why American Monopoly is so wrong.

A two part article about how Beyond Good and Evil was better than Ico and how Ico was better than Beyond Good and Evil even though both were better and worse and overhyped and underhyped and overappreciated yet underappreciated more and less than SODDING KATAMARI.

There's just some for starters. Don't fret about using them, they are free!

Diablo players: Busting the myths

noreply@blogger.com (Cunzy11) — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:14:00 +0000

That's not what we're going to do here children. No sir. You see, the group: "gamers" can be divided up into neat little slices and everyone within a particular slice demonstrates exactly the same behaviours and acts in a similar way. Schools in America and "the man" will have you believe that we are all different. We're not. Most of us can be neatly pigeonholed and our every behaviour predicted from a mile away. "Diablo players" is the name of one such pigeonhole-slice as is "gays" and "the sikhs"*. So for example, if I said "All the people who like Diablo I, II or III are keeping gaming from becoming a progressive medium in the modern world", I would be: a) Correct and b) A total wanker.

All the people who like Diablo I, II or III are keeping gaming from becoming a progressive medium in the modern world.
It is true. Don't believe me? Check this utter piece of shite over at MTV Multiplayer. I read it and thought that it was a send up. Are there really people sad enough in the world to photoshop screenshots of Diablo III to show what the game "should" look like? Yes. Yes there are. With nothing else to do until launch sometime next century, they cling to what Blizzard drip feeds them and then, in true Blizzard-fan style they whinge and gripe to such an extent that the Xbox 360 and PS3 fanboys temporarily put down their pitch forks to cringe and point at the PCtards. Here is a selection of comments from the MTV Multiplayer article to cringe/laugh yourself to sleep with:

"Diablo III? All I’m seeing in theses screenshots is WoW from a top-down view."- SHIT MAN it's time to call the national papers! Actually I agree with this guy. WoW is Diablo with a slightly lower camera which makes it a little bit easier to click on the bad guys. Diablo is hardcore.

"There is Warcraft influence and that is my main problem, they even reused a sound effect that was incredibly out of place in Diablo from Warcraft 3"- I'm no Doctor but from the comfort of my Gamerzzz(t) chair I can tell you that no, that is not your main problem. Your main problem lies elsewhere. In fact, I imagine that the Warcraft influence in Diablo III is perhaps the least problematic part of your entire life which is why you shouldn't complain about it young lady.

"Why do these fans want the game to look like Killzone 2? We don’t need any more games with no color!"- OMG! Someone from the 90s who remembers the Killzone 2 FMV short feature. Retro, solidarity brother!

"To me, Diablo III looks very much like Diablo II."- HERETIC! Next they'll be claiming that Diablo II looked like Diablo or that all three of them play like a less mainstream version of minesweeper.

"I love hearing people go insane criticizing about a game which isn’t even out yet."- I love being the smarter prick who loves to hear the smart prick who loves to hear people go insane criticizing about a game which isn't even out yet.

"I do suppose a blend of each style would be best… People aren’t understand the “Diablo feel”. It’s not just about gothic unsaturated looks. It’s about bizarre and disturbing things. Think about the music in Diablo I, it’s just insane."- I am understand the Diablo feel, thank you very much! It's the feeling that you should be doing something else like maybe tidy the house or go outside? Something with a clear end goal and a bit of variety. Maybe email some of the guys you went to school with to see if anyone wants to catch up and remenisce. You know, about the time when you had a life and when you could put things into much better perspective.

I think SOMEONE needs to explain the appeal of Diablo to me. Maybe I just didn't "get it" but to me Diablo is unappealing, boring, laughable, monotonous and attractive to people who are losers. You know like Doctor Who fans.

POP QUIZ: Which, TGAM has committed the ultimate sin of online gaming and "met up with a guildie, in real life" leaving the other member to do posts about games he hates with a passion.

* This is meant as a joke everyone. After what happened last time these things need clarifying. Besides, the Sikhs are pretty diverse. One Sikh I know plays FPSs. All the other Sikhs are like "Twitch!".

Once you go fat, you never look back!

noreply@blogger.com (Cunzy11) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 10:14:00 +0000

You can't. It is physically impossible.

Anyway TGAM are going to wade into the cluster fuck bandwagon about some game where the job is to rescue a fat princess. It's by Sony or some shit. Anyway the low down is here and here. It turns out that some parties are upset because it depicts a fat woman or something along those lines. That is such a lazy line to take especially when we are judging from press releases and screenshots. Here are some further (and frankly better) complaints to make so that everyone can jump on this bandwagon and rail against evil sony, catering the whinge to whatever floats ones boat.
1) Fat Princess is racist both the titular princess and the katamari dude are white. What? Asians can't be princesses? Blacks can't be fat? Racist filth etc. etc.

2) Fat Princess is ageist. The princess looks young. What? Old people can't be princesses? Babies can't be princesses?

3) Fat Princess is sexist. The princess looks like a woman. What? Men and transgender persons can't be princesses?

4) Fat Princess is homophobic. The princess has long hair and is being rescued by a man. She appears not to be making her sexuality into a big issue. What? Princesses can't be homosexual?

5) Fat Princess is too realistic. The princess is a chubber, the likes of which are seen on every city street in the world. What? I don't play videogames to live in the real world? Make it more unrealistic. Where's the alien princess or the princess with five heads and laser chainsaws for legs? Where's the Princess who has three smaller princesses inside her head controlling her movements?

6) Fat Princess is phylist. The princess appears to be a chordate and the hearts in the gauge are typical "higher vertebrate" chambered hearts. What? So Echinoderms can't be princesses? Members of the plant and funghi kingdoms can't be princesses? Chordate loving scumbags. This is typical of the makers of games. TYPICAL.

7) Fat Princess is colourist. The castle appears to be brown and the water is blue. What? Castles can be any colour? Why brown? The Nazis wore brown! Also I've seen green, red and brown water, why so blue? Is this some kind of homage to the Nazis who also wore blue sometimes. Colourists. Colourists and facists.

8) Fat Princess is (that's enough now- Richie)

So you see! This game insults everyone. It's disgusting filth. People are dying of the AIDS and malaria and people have no food or electricity. Good for them because then they hopefully won't have to experience further exposure to this horrible videogame that is just a game. We're starting a campaign to gather up the worlds' young, gay, black, asian, dwarf, transgender, non-chordate princesses to march for justice. Join us and we'll set this problem right. One game at a time people! ONE GAME AT A TIME.

This post is purely to get higher than Byron & Bushell on Ramraider's Industry Blog sidebar

noreply@blogger.com (Cunzy11) — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 09:12:00 +0000

It really is. That's the reality folks. You start off writing the blog for your three friends the next thing you know you are googling yourself for hits.

THE NEXT STAGE:

Writing our own wikipedia page.

Touch Dic

noreply@blogger.com (Richie!) — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 12:16:00 +0000

Lol, Just LOL

xxx

Soul Calibur XXX

noreply@blogger.com (Richie!) — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 08:24:00 +0000

WEWT! In Soul Calibur you can customize your character right down to the underwear!

Though I do wonder for my sexuality, I saw this picture and the first thing i thought was, "Ooooh those icons kinna look like WoW icons."

Fig. 1. Power - Some sword from the Warrior talent tree.

Fig. 2. Impact - Some shieldy talent.

Fig. 3. Boost - Sheath of Light, Paladin talent

Fig. 4. Gauge - Spirally green thing

Fig. 5. Special - Primal Mana innit

Namco... We're watching you.

Richie X

Wrath of the Achievements

noreply@blogger.com (Richie!) — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 14:28:00 +0000

Um, Yeah so there is hunners and hunners of new fap-worthy information n the up-and-coming WoW expansion Wrath of the Lich King. One such fap-worthy bit of information is the addition of "Achievements".

Yeah that's right I put "Achievements" in inverted commas.

Why you ask? Well because, when this was first rumoured the first thing I thought was, "Oh they are making WotLK part of the Games for Windows range." But apparently not, they have decided to make their own in-game achievements, rather than getting gamerscore, you get vanity pets, tabards, and generally other bragging rights.

Makes sense though, WoW is bigger than like 10 360 games, with far too many things to unlock 1000 GPs would not be enough...

But still I WANTED A GAMERSCORE BOOST :/

QQ Moar?

Luv n Hugs,

Richie X

Doing the Dailies

noreply@blogger.com (Cunzy11) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 12:49:00 +0000

Brain Aged and weighed, village weeded, plants watered, fossil collected, furniture bought, pal-parked, nintendogs fed, watered and walked, berries picked, trees watered, lottery entered, vocabulary expanded, ribbon obtained, berries given, letters written, battlegrounds grounded?, shadowcloth created, dungeon cleared, food cooked, fish caught, BMI checked and mystery gifts collected.

What dailies* have you done today?

*First one to say wank earns the arcade award Most Useless.

Exciting E3 news!

noreply@blogger.com (Cunzy11) — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 09:15:00 +0000

Bored of Summer shitty games? Want something more than news about more crappy rock updates for Rock Band/Guitar Hero? E3 is here to deliver. Every year E3 has a theme. This year the theme is "innovation" and the line up of games on show really underpins that.

New Resident Evil 5 trailer!- Like Resident Evil 4 but shinier with vehicle sections.

Final Fantasy XIII- Like Final Fantasy X but shinier with more androgenous characters/airships and the same summons etc. from every other game. Vehicle sections yet to be confirmed.

Gear of War 2- Like Gears of War but with vehicles.

Dante confirmed for Soul Calibre IV!- Like Soul Calibur III but with Dante.

Metal Gear Flaccid 4 special edition- With extra cutscenes and the option to turn "jam" on/off because it's wacky you see! It's random and wacky! Kojiiiima is a random whacko! Woo! Woo! I am a train.

Rockband 2 Band Manager peripheral- Introduce yet another key aspect of being in a real band! Mobile phone peripheral allows the manager to order coke whilst the band plays. Peripheral priced at $600 and £111400 for the UK. Also, Rockband 2 set to include vehicle sections and dual wielding.

Galaga sequel planned- Remember Galaga? No? Well it was shit then and is shit now but a sequel is coming. Potentially with vehicle sections.

Wii Talking about shoes and whinging about boyfriends announced- Comes with shoes peripheral that carve up your feet and improve your blister plaster applying skills.

Gangland Marine Dizzy- The first new Dizzy game in 50 years! Play as Dizzy through an open world of warehouses and post apocalytpic ghetto areas. Fight generic aliens and use an innovative cover system! Vehicle section tbc.

Ubisoft announces new Ubisfotz game for the DS- Play as a real world Ubisoft employer! Come up with derivative copy cat games to earn money!

Wow. Exciting times readers. Exciting fucking times.

Wii-lly

noreply@blogger.com (Richie!) — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 07:58:00 +0000

Welcome ladies and gentlemen for yet another inappropriate combination of sexual release and Nintendo. Look someone has made some attachments for the Wiimote that increase stimulation...

TBH Annalee over at io9 says, "Everybody wants to figure out how to put their thinger in somebody else's thinger via bluetooth or TCP/IP or port 1337. ", and this attachment has to be the least inventive Thinger2Thinger yet.

Like no-one else thought of it!

2 anal-tickles out of 10 poor effort, see me after class.

Luv n Hugs,

Richie X

A special holiday message from Jill Valentine

noreply@blogger.com (Cunzy11) — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 15:21:00 +0000

To all those people who have just woken up from an 8, 20, 32 or 44 month coma. Here's Jill Valentine wishing you merry christmas!

Thanks the internet! Thanks Jill!

Next on TGAM! Happy VJ day and welcome to the 21st Century for those who have had comas for a very long time.

Slap

noreply@blogger.com (Cunzy11) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 10:06:00 +0000

Aaaaron Greenberg is some guy. He was saying some thing about games earlier.

But he does have a massive SLAP. Just look at it. It goes on and on. Aaaaaaron Greenberg you have a fine SLAP sir. A fine SLAP. Do you get security guards to patrol it? Do you? Do you sell parts of it for advertising or mineral prospecting? Is your slap self sustaining? It could be. That is some prime farming land you have above your eyes there sir. Yes it is.

So there we have it. Greenberg-Slap.

360 controller i can dig!

noreply@blogger.com (Richie!) — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 09:15:00 +0000

Finally!

Rock band.

noreply@blogger.com (Richie!) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 07:57:00 +0000

So, I finally did the "Endless Setlist" 58 songs, around 5 hours straight playing it... Sickening.

Next up...

Rock band 2. It has been announced, unannounced, and maybe-rumoured for an acceptable release date in europe (uk) this time. Bet it doesn't, I bet the Americans get it in September, and then we get it 6-9 months later. I mean seriously what the hell is that! The first Rock Band was almost forgiveable, given their excuse was hardware (fake drums, fake guitars) shortages. But this time round no excuses... Harmonix/EA, you are racist, hands down racist.

*sulk*

Luv n Hugs,

Richie

TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever: Number 43

noreply@blogger.com (Cunzy11) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 14:45:00 +0000

Yes. This is still going on. Today at number 43 it's Ed Fedemeyer's Haunted Maze. That shit was made in thirteen day y'all. Play it now. It's still the number one Net Yaroze game according to us in this list.

Here's our low down on it almost two years ago! We don't change very much do we.

The already bored of but will see the end of Top 50 list as voted by TGAM readers on our fora so far:

44: Resident Evil "gay den"
45: Final Fantasy VIII
46: Resident Evil Genesis
47: Dino Crisis 3
48: Dead Rising
49: Resident Evil Confidential Report File 1
50: Biohazard 4D Executer

Warning new term approaching: Underboob

noreply@blogger.com (Richie!) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 08:14:00 +0000

It is not full on boob, It's not cleavage, It's...

UNDERBOOB

Coming to a System near you soon!

T-Shirt of the Scarlet Crusade

noreply@blogger.com (Richie!) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 07:11:00 +0000

So yeah, I have been officially playing WoW casually* for a while now, my most recent project has been levelling a Paladin (currently lvl 63) which I have really been enjoying in some slightly risqué ways, I have not been RPing her per say. However she does have the Tabard of the Scarlet Crusade, the whole Scarlet Chains Set, and I made sure I did all the Scarlet related quest lines in Eastern Plaguelands and Stratholme. Enough that I think we can all just agree I am a little bit gay for the Scarlet Crusade.

Who are the Scarlet Crusade?

I ain't gonna go into it, there are plenty of other websites that can go into the details, they are essentially a bunch of Zealots who beleive that the all the Undead in WoW should be eradicated, along with anyone who sides with them, or indeed anyone who doesn't side with the Crusade.

But there is a whole load of meaty story to them, political intrigue, spies within the ranks and corrupt figureheads.

So anyways, one of my IRL friends who, along with myself and a few others founded the guild , celebrated her birthday this past weekend. And as such I decided to get her this:

Everything was made from scratch, including finding the damned font that WoW uses (BTW it's Friz Quadrata)

The graphic was extracted and edited, and the T-Shirt was printed using the T-shirt Studio.

Here is the RL Vìlya sporting the [T-shirt of the Scarlet Crusade]:

EPILX REAL LIFE LEWT!!!!

*Casually my left testicle! this would be my 4th character, after my lvl 70 Mage, my lvl 70 Hunter, and my lvl 70 SPriest, In saying that to refuse to raid, I have touched on a wee bit of Karazan, but i generally cannot commit to 4-5 hours of mincing about with cyber-people. However, Good hard gank is a progression guild, despite me fapping about with Scarlets, the other members have progressed to Serpentshrine Cavern and have 6/6 Zul'Aman. Big up to them all :D

At your side M'Lady,

Link on Wow insider

Richie.

BLizzard Announces Diablo 3

noreply@blogger.com (Richie!) — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 19:24:00 +0000

WEWT!!!

http://eu.blizzard.com/diablo3/

Another Blizzard game to suck all my life/time/friends away!!!

Ummm

noreply@blogger.com (Richie!) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 13:32:00 +0000

This rather creepy, Something Awful did a generic gamer guy skit:

It is worrying how similar this is to myself and Cunzy, putting the OTT homoeroticism to one side of course.

Hearty Masculine Handshake,

Richie

Gamer T-shirts

noreply@blogger.com (Richie!) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 12:04:00 +0000

Seriously how effin cool are these T-shirts! Hypno, Mewtwo, Articuno, Cubone... all done in a tasteful* way.

If only there were some other gamer T-Shirts that were tasteful... The hunt begins.

* i.e. you could wear them in public, without people shaking there heads or pointing an laughing at the disgrace that comes with wearing a Pokemon Tshirt.

TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever: Number 44

noreply@blogger.com (Cunzy11) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 09:19:00 +0000

Yes it's Resident Evil Gaiden for the GameBoy Color. Color should have a "u" in it.

We've never played it, even though it's ten pounds from amazon. We probably won't either because the GBA is no doubt some kind of corroded battery affair by now. We're also opposed to it because it is called "Gaiden". Which sounds a lot like gay den.

Resident evil gay den: After the events of resident evil 1 & 2 Barry and Leon are hanging out at their secret tree house base. After Claire goes to Europe to find her brother, the boys discover through a friendly game of spin the bottle that Leon and Barry may be more than just friends. Play as Barry or Leo in in this exciting adventure for the GameBoy color. Choose the right time to come out to Rebecca. Berate Barry for always going on about Chris as if he is in love with him or something jesus Barry if you love him so much why don't you go to Europe to find him. Tell Leon cunning lies about Ada Wong in order to keep him the right side of the fence......

All we know is that Resident Evil purists worry that Gaiden isn't strictly "canon" but anyone worrying about a story with zombies on a boat being canon or not canon deserves to be purged from the internet and indeed the wider world. GIVE WIKIPEDIA BACK PURISTS.

List so far, so good:

45: Final Fantasy VIII
46: Resident Evil Genesis
47: Dino Crisis 3
48: Dead Rising
49: Resident Evil Confidential Report File 1
50: Biohazard 4D Executer