Dead Fantasy

Watch:



And watch some more:




Now sit back, slightly hollow inside, knowing that you will probably never see anything more awesome in your life ever.

Voice of Mario does other things.

As you may have heard the dude who does Mario’s voice is doing an autobiography. As it turns out Ol’ Charlie-boy is a huge fan of “That guy’s a Maniac” and has given us these excerpts:

*Warning Spoilers*

“One day I went into Nintendo for a voice-over job.”

“I put on a really stereotypical (bordering on racist) Italian voice.”

“I got the job”

“I did it for a few other games”

“And they all lived happily ever after”

Thatyguys rating: 7/10

Good:
Thoroughly good read, all the way through it you are amazed that such a small story could be padded out to a whole book.

Bad:
The book loses its charm because in you head it is all spoken with a thick Italian accent.

Help Wanted

Please! There's been an accident and we need help from all comers. Gamers across the web, please unite. It seems that after all those close calls, depsite everyone's warnings, the people over at Terra Nova have finally FALLEN HEAD FIRST UP THEIR OWN ASSHOLE.

For those of you who don't know it Terra Nova is a blog about virtual worlds. Fair enough you might say. There's a few of those about. However, the problem with Terra Nova is that they take it way too seriously. The blog is written by various contributors who have tenuous job titles or tenuous connections to 'virtual worlds'. They only ever discuss Second Life, WoW, Guild Wars or EVE online. In addition there are a few crackpots who go on and on about MUDs. Anyway, so what you might say, you do a blog about old capcom games and sex toys. Yes. This is true. But we don't take ourselves so painfully serious and we don't make sweeping assumption about virtual worlds, catalysed by the matrix movies and littered with Alice through the looking glass sound bites.

These guys and girls are so out of touch with games companies and the majority of game players that when they do the classic "what do we mean by computer game" post it comes across as unneccessary wordy bollocks serving to put the MMORPGs that they play and write shitty books about into a special little box seperate from say Gears of War or Halo. And they love referring to pen and paper games like Dungeons and Dragons. Which, they consider the origins of todays virtual worlds. Every two sentences.

However, they seem to be blissfully unaware of the significant body of academic work in this field by the people here at that guy's a maniac that served to define all this crap they like to circle jerk each other about. So here's a summary TNers. Read this list and either go an do some real work or start properly talking about virtual worlds rather than postulating each other stoner philosophy questions about your favourite virtual cyber spots:

1) Pen and paper games were in no way the actual, spiritual or theoretical forefathers or origins of games. They were simply a thing that a strange and lonely subsection of America did in their basements. Just drop it now.

2) Furthermore, following this petition in 1997 it was agreed by 79% of gamers the world over that we are officially to ignore any "computer games" before the GameBoy release of Tetris. By and large they were all shit and not very fun. Get over it.

3) Stop trying to define things. It isn't important. Also stop pretending that you don't just use MMORPGs to get cyber girlfriends. Stop pretending that what you are doing is real work either. Also, stop pretending you have any sway over what the real game companies are doing. Change your name from Terra Nova to Pseudo Academic Circle Jerking and you can carry on the way you are going.

4) Try looking at virtual worlds other than the 4 MMORPGs you always rail on about. When you are writing your latest piece of wank, think "Do these sweeping statements apply to Ed Fedemeyer's excellent Haunted Maze developed on the Net Yaroze?". If the answer is no, kill yourself.

5) Try doing something in these virtual worlds. At the moment the Something Awful Goons are far more creative and interesting with the stuff they get up to. More "people" know them too. Stop hanging on the coat tails of the stuff they get up to by trying to define them all the time. The stuff that you label as "griefing". That is when you can agree on what you even mean by that.

6) Include more screenshots. People like pictures and it makes it more believable too.

These are just for starters. See how you get on. Then we can talk again.

KK THX bye!

Next Gen Please

I'm sure I did a post like this before but couldn't find it in the tons of shit we put on the internet in our humble year and a bit at TGAM Towers (TGAM Small Bedsit would be more appropriate, one of those ones with a totally illegal kitchen cum bedroom-lounge, with no official arrangment with the landlord other than you gave them four grand when you first moved in and since then they have managed to avoid fixing the bathroom like they said they would when the 12 year old crack head in a suit that was your "estate agent" showed you round). Anyway we've been part of the 'next generation' of consoles for quite a while and they are totally fucking dissapointing, the short sightedness of developers and marketing people is absolutely fucking astonishing. Why won't someone, anyone do anything about it? Well I found this secret memo on the internet and I think it tells us all a tale or two:

Three Years Ago

THINGS FOR NEXT GEN by games making people.
1) Better graphics. Done 2007
2) Too many boxes and crates! Explore proper level design. Added note: let's postpone this and address it with next next gen. Designers are pulling their hair out over where to put coins, ammo and medi-kits.
3) Get rid of cheap non destructible backgrounds and objects. Everything should be interactive! Added note from Sony, we can do this! Check out our duck demo. Added note#2 Sony is looking for people to make games for the PS3 to fulfil this
4) Scrap all kinds of escort missions. Market research has shown that not a single gamer likes escorting a handicapped asthmatic blind retard through a warzone. Added note: Designers want this back in to this gen because there isn't anything to do in the levels between the on rails shooting bit and the bit where you split off in two paths which are really one path with a wall in between.
5) Stop relying on cut scenes to tell stories. Added note: Too many players are skipping cut scenes as it is! How are we supposed to tell out grandiose story through game play? Cut scenes made unskippable again 2007
6) Be engaging, innovative and emotionally moving with storylines. Added note from EDGE, sorry guys we were all excited about this in 2006. Turns out the new thing to be excited about is the DS so scrap this.
7) Sort AI out there should be no NPCs getting stuck on walls or running in circles or glitching through hedges in next gen games. Added note: We tried this and it didn't really make a difference. Plus the processing power for AI could be better used on lens flares and shiny surfaces. Scrap this
8) Let's try to really crack single screen co-operative play for consoles. Project Eden was good and Crystal chronicles was ok but there is so much more scope. Added note Microsoft: No one even remembers those games it's all about online now. In fact we're going to use our online figures as a way of saying we're better than Sony.
9) Let's not whore out endless sequels for successful franchises like Guitar Hero, SIngstar or Buzz. Added note: But real people play these games a lot. Also does an 80's version specifically aimed at those 20-30 somethings who aren't normally considered gamers count as a sequel?
10) No more patches ever. If it's so broken, don't fucking ship it at all. Added note: This is impossible we can't even get the games fully tested by testers in the ridiculously short production cycle deadlines we set ourselves. Scrap this.
11) Make all glass shatterable. Added note: Test with this showed that shattered background glass was 50% less aesthetic than really shiny motion blurred lens flared background glass so we're sticking to this. Also, how are people supposed to review our games from untested YouTube videos if all they can see is shattered glass everywhere?
12) Make sure that text size falls within all recommended Disability Discrimination Act suggested standards with or without HD Tvs. Added note by Capcom: Fuck off we'll do what we want especially as we're the only fuckers making consistently good games for all platforms. Fuck off Bungie with your one trick pony you cunts
13) Let's try to copy Halo and GTA less this gen. Added note: We did this! We've now got free-form sandbox games in the future, in the jungle and in mexico. Also, we've made Sci-Fi pubescent action shooters on Earth instead of on a Halo. One of them is even set in a church! Ha ha ha Fucking Christian noobs. We hate christianity ha ha aha ahahahah
14) Nintendo-Action Point. Let's sort out distribution to Europe and Australia and try to balance it so that there is a good game coming out for the Revolution every 1-2 months, let's not have another Gamecube, or N64 for that matter. Added note from Nintendo: Fuck you you europeans! Why do you always ban our child touching sims? We're going to make non games from now on.
15) Sort online play out. Stop all the shithead minority that ruin the experience for the rest, it's do able. Also, let's not rely on playing online or an online connection for support, profile saving or as an excuse for releasing a game with a really piss poor single player campaign. Added note: Market research has shown that insidious 12 year old americans have more access to disposable incomes than sensitive moms, middle aged dads and 'thinking gamers' and power through word of mouth on forums and message boards so we'll be making it easier for abuse with this gen of consoles.
16) Sony- Action Point. Players were really fucked off with spending hundreds of pounds on peripherals and accessories. Let's try to cut this down and earn money through selling top rated games this time! Update: Still on track July 2007!
17) Action Point for All. Let's just tell every company that wants to do a game tie-in with their latest derivative CG kids film to just fuck off unless they are planning on releasing a game that isn't some half arsed party game or a platform game a la Spyro the Dragon. Added note from Sony's accounting team: We're caving to these guys because although they do make shitty games, we're having some technical troubles with LAIR, Heavenly Sword and all our other games which were launch titles. At least these guys are putting stuff on shelves.
18) No more fire levels, ice worlds, warehouses, disused train stations or generic 'caves' to be used for levels. Let's spice it up a bit? Added note: Ok Kameo and Call of Duty were already in production but no more after that OK?

SEGA IS AWESOME!

Yes it is. What prompted this post? Nothing, no really nothing.....*

And if someone just happened to ask me what sega games I am looking forward to, I would have to say Sonic Rush Adventure. Why would someone ask me that? No reason. No really, nothing...*

Also, it might be time for another picture review. Which, is never a bad thing**.





*In jokes. Ignore plz. Seriously. You won't get it unless you know. Maybe you think you know but you probably don't.

**But I am really looking forward to Sonic Rush Adventure. I might be a gamer again despite what I said here

Another letter to Team Ninja

69 Thatguys Street
Racoon City
T6 4M1

Dear Team Ninja,

Firstly I would like to thank you on your wondrous attention to detail, and on encapsulating everything that anyone could every want from bouncing CG boobs. However, it pains me to say that this is not a letter complementing your hold on the CG boob market, this is in fact a letter of apology. You may have recently received a letter from my colleague, a Mrs Lvl 70 Richie complaining that her phone was broken due to the rage caused by your game being too 'hard'. However, I implore you to ignore the demands set out in my colleague's previous letter because, well she plays WoW and she just isn't used to real time combat systems or skill based games. She spent hours playing DoA4 Online desperately trying to "click" on opponents before endlessly being beaten. In fact, it was only recently that Richie learned that DoA had a game element to it at all. She would just sit watching the rolling demo screens at the menu whilst furiously frigging. Unfortunately, both myself and our daughter have caught her doing so at times but since Richie found out there is a gaming element to DoA these incidents have fortunately been few and far between.

However, the demand that we feature as characters in the next DoA game, is still a good one. Could I request that Richie's character resembles Voldo from Soul Blade? Also she should have a suicide move where she lays in the bath, frigs out a slime for the last time and then slits her wrists? After that you see Zack come running in and picking Richie up in his arms and crying as the camera pan out to space. That would be good and you might get some negative publicity like Rockstar! Wnak.

Luv n hugs

Cunzy1 1 xxx

LOLCATS

Fuck off cats more like. Here is the definitive LOLCAT and I don't want to hear anymore about it. CLICK FOR THE TRUTH

Kotaku Update!

1. Kotaku did some posts on some video games related news.

2. In other news Kotaku has possibly posted the most wondrous and amazing photograph EVER, I was scanning though some post on the perils of conventions, the photo didn’t immediately grab my attention as on first glance it seemed to a be a usual collection Cos-players:

But look closer to the middle one…

That’s right! It’s Claire from Resident Evil 2 and Resident Evil Code Veronica. (Though I believe the outfit depicted is Claire’s Code Veronica outfit) As such I wanna make a call out to this woman, or indeed any like-minded women out there:

Wanted for Casual encounters:
1x Woman
1x Claire Redfield outfit

Contact: richie@thatguys.co.uk

Nice…

Claire Redfield = Wnak factor 13

Signing out

Richie.

Burnout Revenge

You have probably all seen this by now, the thing about the burnout ads. By probably I mean I know because I have spoken to Richie and the other reader of the blog and you've both seen it. Also, the blackhole of all gaming news kotaku has also had a post about it so all the stupid people have seen it too.

Basially 37 people complained about the posters for the new burnout claiming that it might inspire people to vandalise or crash cars or somesuch. My initial reaction is to flinch into a rage because it's something negative about gaming and I'm a gamer and it makes an easy post to write and everyone else is writing about it. However, I've had a think about it and the thing that really irks me is the 37 London commuters who think that they are some kind of moral guardians for society. What kind of person, whilst waiting for their no doubt late or packed tube train, glances up from their London Lite and sees the ad and thinks "Jesus Christ! No. Not again. Don't they understand that people who are stupider than myself will die if they see this ad? I have to step in and save humanity. I'll ring the ASA when I get to work." If this is how advertising works then I'm thinking about running and advert that shows people who phone the ASA on behalf of society hanging themselves.


I'll tell you what kind of person. The kind of person who hates their life. If they had their way the only game you'll be able to play are realtime ones where you don't do to well at school and have to abandon your real life dreams and so you end up working some shitty job fucking some ugly partner you don't really want to be with whilst fantasizing about throttling your own children and escaping to a life in the sun sipping alcoholic free cocktails. When you reach middle age in the game there is a twenty year minigame where you actually write to advertising authorities about how you find any kind of media that is slightly exhilirating a direct stab at how shitty and empty your life is so you have to complain about them so that everyone else is a bored and tired and lonely as yourself.



I follow adverts and I'm thinking of phoning the ASA to complain that according to adverts the world is largely filled with beautiful vacuous people. In fact the converse is true but adverts have irresponsibly led me to believe and expect waif beaties and generic hunks to be lurking on every corner with their chest, boobies and camel toes out. In reality it's 10 year old cretins who pronounce ask "arks" and who will stab you because they are part of a 'gang' and you said "Excuse me" when you tried to get past them, which on the street clearly means you are dissing their South London Hood, which is probably called Waverley Crescent or some other non ghetto name.


In other news:

Mortal Kombat is still the worse game series in existence. It was good for 2 seconds in the 90s until the novelty of really bad blood drops wore off. The films were OK.

So this is what we call a heart warming family reunion

Hey kids it's time for a triforce-esque update from me and some of the things I've been up to:

1) This weekend was That Guy's A Maniac Mini-Con 2007! Following the success of TGAM Con and TGAM con 2 son of TGAM Con and TGAM Con 2 was a great success. I finally busted the dirty sequel to TGAM's 2006 Game of the Year, Timesplitters Future Perfect, accidentally. It started by me showing Chuff_72 and Quadbee how hard the last four challenges were to get a gold on. I ended up getting two platinums and two golds so that's another game 100%ed! Many games were played, by many I mean mostly three: Quake 2, Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles and Dinotopia: Something About Suntone Pirates. Quake 2 was probably king and we managed to get a hall of fame all star line up for some Quakage, the likes of which have not been seen for some years- Quadbee, Chuff_72, Robisgay and Cunzy1 1. We also got to the last level of FFCC.

Dinotopia Sunstone Pirates is a pretty awful game but I got quite far by imagining the main character had white hair. That way he looks like Dante and not like Frodo sodding Baggins.THAT WAY IT WAS ALMOST LIKE A DEVIL MAY CRY GAME WITH DINOSAURS IN IT ON THE GBA. Which, for a long time has been a favourite wet dream of mine.

2)Inspired by Devil May Dinotopia at TGAM Mini Con 2007, I finally beat Devil May Cry 3 on Normal mode. It turns out I just had to try a bit rather than turning it on periodically and trying to beat Dante without really remembering the controls. Who'd a thunk it?

3) I went to a conference about Second Life but I didn't mention to anyone that it was full of perverts who need more than emoticons from their chat programs. No one did a talk about it's uses for children touchers either which was disappointing to say the least.

4) I drank a lot of alcohol, for a long time but it was one of those "drink forever and not get drunk" times and I'm one of those people who is happy to admit that I drink to get drunk. Why do people always say that they don't drink to get drunk? Do you like the taste of beer really? Really? Or do you just like to spend a lot of money on drinks for fun.

5) Played a bit of Super Smash Brothers with Quadbee. Fox and Falco are officially cunts. Seriously.

6) Played and pretty much busted Pokemon Channel. It is the greatest game of all time. Essentially you sit and watch TV with Pikachu but in a game. That is it really. I've decided that it is TGAM's Game of the Year 2007 despite the fact that it wasn't released in 2007 and that the Gamecube was dead in 2007. I'm going to write a lengthy EDGE style wankfest where I compare Pikachu to Faust and Guy Fawkes and then ramble on about Gibson. It is going to start like this "the sounds of hot man syrup pit-a-patting on the floor increased until it was an inexorable continuous sound as the Nintendo logo filled the screen and the enigmatic shriek of 'Pikachu' resonated around my already wet ear lobe".

7) I bought a copy of EDGE to practice my ritin for my End of Year game of the year review. May's issue has a fine example of how to write a seven page long piece of crap. Check out the "Play pen" article. It's too EDGE for even EDGE. Firstly it's about writing in games (snoooooze+10 wankery points), secondly it's seven pages long (+25 wankery points) and the whole thing is practically unreadable unless you are the kind of person who thinks that they actually enjoy Second Life for reasons other than sexing with other men pretending to be women (+100 wankery points). Extra wankery points are awarded for the over use of the words cinematic, medium, dialect and incongruous. The reader's letters are pretty awful too, they're trying too hard to get a job by writing wankery. The last letter ends "How many more adults would play Metal Gear Solid if it really was an Oedipal tragedy?". Come on, I'm not even lying either but the answer is "Significantly less people should think that they should write to EDGE whilst watching themselves 'fluff the pillow' in their mirror after taking a heavy dose of wank pills".

Cunzy out