Wii-lly

Welcome ladies and gentlemen for yet another inappropriate combination of sexual release and Nintendo. Look someone has made some attachments for the Wiimote that increase stimulation...

TBH Annalee over at io9 says, "Everybody wants to figure out how to put their thinger in somebody else's thinger via bluetooth or TCP/IP or port 1337. ", and this attachment has to be the least inventive Thinger2Thinger yet.

Like no-one else thought of it!

2 anal-tickles out of 10 poor effort, see me after class.

Luv n Hugs,

Richie X

LET'S GO A MILKING!*

Let's milk the cash cow till only blood comes out. Milk it like a polaroid picture. Milk it, milk, milk, milk, milk it. Milk it, milk, milk, milk, milk it.












*We're still gonna buy it like a bunch of kidulthood fags.

Game of the Year 2008

ANIMAL CROSSING WILD WORLD REVIEW
For Nintendo DS

Animal Crossing isn't a game. It's a career. A vocation, a mini alternative life. You could educate a child with it and it would turn out OK. It teaches you everything you need to know about the real world. It teaches you the importance of money, shows you the true value of patience, punishes you for lying, and when characters move out of your town it's an important lesson about the harsh realities of bereavement in adult life. Bunnie is gone, Timothy, she's gone to another town very far away and she's never coming back.

It's not a game, it's a job. You HAVE to collect your fruit to begin with, else you can't afford the cool furniture. You HAVE to keep fishing, else you might miss a rare fish. You HAVE to collect all the fossils, fish and insects because something cool might happen when you do. Animal Crossing uses an enhanced version of the COLLECTEVERYTHING(TM) engine that Nintendogs used. It makes chores into games, giving you incentives to spend hours and hours doing nothing in the hope of finding one rare little thing no one else has got.

When we bought it we played it for an hour and a half in bed in the morning, we played it for an hour and a half in the afternoon, we played it for an hour and a half in the evening, then for an hour an a half in bed before going to bed. If anything that's an underestimate, because starting to play Animal Crossing is like stepping into a time machine where suddenly it's a huge amount of time in the future when you turn it off and look at the clock.

That's another reason why it's great. You can use it to fast forward your boring life. So anyway, we played it for six hours a day (minimum) for the first few weeks of having it. Some of those six-hour periods were spent fishing. Just fishing. Fishing, then running to the shop to sell them, or to the Museum to donate any rare ones we caught. The game keeps a list of all the fish you've caught, which is one of numerous mini, incidental challenges you have to complete. In your own time and whenever you like. We're now down to about three 15-minute periods of play a day, which is much more manageable.

Animal Crossing really suits the handheld. You can play it for ten minutes in the morning, a bit at lunch time and switch it on in the evening for a proper play. It's why Wild World is such a perfect game. We do all our farming/shopping chores in the morning on the train to work instead of reading about war in a newspaper, then spend the evening having fun instead of watching war on the news. And wi-fi play lets you do it all in another town, with the added excitement of random router crashes to keep everyone on edge. It's the perfect game and it suits DS to a tee. 10/10, again.

ABOUT THE ABOVE REVIEW:
We're releasing this review under the GNU Free Documentation License, so if you want to run a review of Animal Crossing Wild World on your web site, blog or student magazine, feel free to use this copy and put your name on it. It's free for everyone to reproduce! We're doing this out of love.

WHAT SCORE TO GIVE IT:
If your web site, blog or magazine scores games out of 5 give it 5/5. If you score things out of 10 give it 10/10. If you use the archaic percentage system give it 97 percent because anything more than that makes you look stupid like those American magazines who give games 100 percent. Nothing's ever 100 percent you pricks.

Dear Gamers on the internet #727

Boo hoo hoo. Boo hoo hoo. Waaaaaah waaah a boo hoo hooo. That's all we ever hear from you. Boo hoo hoo Blizzard hates my class. Waaaah waaah waaah Capcom won't respond to my letters. Boody hoo hoo "they" ruined Star Wars Galaxies. Yes it's pathetic but fortunately it's mostly from the PC gamers. Until now...

Since the release of Mario Kart Wii a number of sources have complained about the return of the blue shell. Even EDGE which usually flounces above such gamer whining, whines about it (Mario Kart Wii 6/10). Well you know what? The MBAs at That guy' s a maniac, the Second Greatest Video Game Blog of all time, have voted it the most bestest amazing pick up of all time. Read that last sentence again. Not just videogame pick ups. ALL pick ups. Be it pick up lines, picking up a prostitute or a pick up truck, the blue shell beats them all hands down. Here's what the Master blog artists had to say:

"It is our generations great leveller. Our grandparents had the war, our parents had the AIDS and we have the blue shell. It is a metaphor for our lives. You may have just saved enough money for that trip around the world and then boom! An astronomical council tax bill from four years ago. Bailiffs are coming round this second to beat you and take your property and money. And who wins from that situation? Some smug pencil pushing council twat. He doesn't see the look on your face. He doesn't gain anything from it but from his hopeless position in a dead end job he has irked you somewhat. The blue shell is the digital version of that twat. It'll ruin your day. Guess what punk. Maybe today you won't win. Boo hoo. But life goes on".- Cunzy1 1

"The beauty of the blue shell lies in its relentless desire to keep balance. Though the N64 blue shell was better."- Richie

So there we have it unequivocally the greatest pick up of all time. Move on loser.

Mario Kart Wii: Review

9/10 - "Good enough to consider getting a Wii for."

Mario Kart: Vengance

I fucking knew it. I'm really not happy.




Mario Kart (Due Friday) will not have full functionality with the Gamecube controller.

Apparently "mid air" moves wont be 100% emulated when using a "proper" controller.

Fuck you Wii-mote

Hotel Dusk- The Review

We're talking away. I don't know what I'm to say. I'll say it anyway. Today's another day to find you. Shying away. I'll be coming for your love, OK?
Take on me, take me on. I'll be gone. In a day or two. So needless to say. I'm odds and ends. But that's me stumbling away. Slowly learning that life is OK. Say after me "It's no better to be safe than sorry".
Take on me, take me on. I'll be gone. In a day or two
Oh the things that you say. Is it life or just a play my worries away. You're all the things I've got to remember. You're shying awayI'll be coming for you anyway. Take on me, take me onI'll be goneIn a day or two

8/10. Worth a purchase!

Voice of Mario does other things.

As you may have heard the dude who does Mario’s voice is doing an autobiography. As it turns out Ol’ Charlie-boy is a huge fan of “That guy’s a Maniac” and has given us these excerpts:

*Warning Spoilers*

“One day I went into Nintendo for a voice-over job.”

“I put on a really stereotypical (bordering on racist) Italian voice.”

“I got the job”

“I did it for a few other games”

“And they all lived happily ever after”

Thatyguys rating: 7/10

Good:
Thoroughly good read, all the way through it you are amazed that such a small story could be padded out to a whole book.

Bad:
The book loses its charm because in you head it is all spoken with a thick Italian accent.

Last Christmas

This christmas is gearing up to be a good one and already it's very heavily video game oriented. The TV is running Hitman the movie ads almost every ad break and the trailers for Assasin's Creed and Need for Speed Pro Street are popping up quite a bit, as well as others. They seem to be good adverts too, grown up ads, no longer the reserve of horrible ALRIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT American voice over tat or Sony wankery they used to be.
This month's EDGE has an interesting schpiz on marketing for games and how much money is thrown at the great unwashed on marketing alone. Up to 15 percent of a game's net receipts is spent on marketing and for titles released worldwide for christmas up to £7 million is being spent. Recent discussions with Giant Enemy Guitar Hero suggest that PR and advertising may be the way to go about getting your game off the shelves regardless of unfulfilled promises by developers and publishers in pre-launch hype. The oft cited poor initial receptions to the likes of ICO, Grim Fandango, Psychonauts and Freedom Fighters is testament that word of mouth and good reviews won't guarantee sales success alone (and/or a sequel).

But how effective is it all? I won't be buying any new titles this December. £50 for 360 and PS3 games is just offensive. £40 for Super Mario Galaxy may just be worth it had I the inclination. Guitar Hero III and Rock Band are gonna set back some of the Jones' a pretty penny. And goddam DS titles, will your price ever drop?? Scratch that, goddam Nintendo games will your price ever drop? Why is there no second hand Nintendo market? Is it because there are never a glut of good games or do Nintendo players horde their merchandise by nature?

No, this Christmas I'll be aiming to pick up some cheap PS2 classics before they dissappear from the high street altogether . I've got all the GTA Stories to pick up for prosterity as well as the latest two Tomb Raiders. I should really get Resident Evil Outbreaks too. Was tempted by the Prince of Persia box set and I should really have picked up the Silent Hill box set by now. Not to mention ridiculous dinosaur related DS pishness. Oh and I've still got Eternal Darkness to pick up. Ha! Gamecube games. Good luck.

Oh look another Hitman ad. I suddenly want to go and see it.......

Two down....

Yes!! In Nintendo's bid to turn gaming into non gaming we now have Brain Training and Sight Training which means that we are two more installments closer to penis training and the one I'm looking forward to most, pelvic floor training. Touch generations indeed. Nothing worse than a flappy chappy or a slack front crack. No sir.

Nintendo are lieheads.

More Nintendo lies this month with this post over at the "Official" Smash Brothers Dojo. This site is so fake they can't even get the name of the game right. The real name is Super Smash Brothers Brawl. Anyway we brought you the scoop on the real SSBB characters and stages two months ago (check it fool).

But! Whoever is behind the farcical Dojo site is fucking cruel. It's OK to goad the Fire Emblem geeks but picking on Sega fans is a crime against humanity. Don't build their hopes up. I can here the frantic bashing of keyboards already as they plan their Sonic Faninima's shot with SSBB to add to the steaming pile of Sonic Machinima that already exists.

Be advised Dojo webmaster, I'm emailing Google to get you taken off the listings. You've taken this joke too far now.

Whilst we are on the subject of shitty fan made crap, this following public notice is brought to you courtesy of our latest "if you can't beat em join em" tiresome parody of an already tired meme:

Get it done AMV freak monkeys.

N.B Casual readers may have noticed the use of many 'hyperlinks' in this post. More than you are probably willing to click. However, our hyperlinks are sponsored by Children in Need. Everytime you click one of our links another Z-list celebrity will sign up for the hideous hammy shit that is the awful Children in Need event. Please click gratuitously and perhaps we can inspire at least some of the middle class to commit suicide when it is screened.

It is like the desert

Yeah it's like the desert! I'm sad at not being part of what we could now call 'this gen' and I think that all the players have had an ample chance to win my, an avid gamer's, attention. I have been singly just utterly unimpressed by the PS3 post launch (we all know about pre-launch). Gears of War and Dead Rising just don't justify spending that much ££££. Sorry guys you've had a while to get me onside but not convinced. Which means..... FTW. Why you say? Well it's affordable, it's not so geeky, it's fun (allegedly), I can play the entire Resident Evil back catalogue from 0-4 (that's six games people), both super smash brothers, it can talk to my DS, Crystal Chronicles, Pokemon, I know more people with a Wii than any other console (lot of non gamers too), I can play Pokemon Channel every day without finding all the relevant GC cables etc. I might get fit? Oh and virtual console has games that I might want to play (don't give me that shit about Geometry Wars either).

Downsides: The Gamecube +1 graphics, currently 4 games released difficult to get hold of.

PROJECT GET CUNZY1 1 A Wii STARTS TODAY. Wii fund= £3