Omastar Comics #19

This week Omastar travels to a universe where copyright and anachronisms don't exist.



Christ! Just what the fuck is wrong with the people who upload shit to deviant art? For God's sake, it doesn't even make sense. Why would this happen? Who appreciates this abomination?





































/fap

We got carried away with LEGO

Yes we (I) did. If it's all part of LEGO's masterplan to get 20 somethings who grew up with lego to use their now disposable income to buy more LEGO after their Dad threw away all the original old LEGO whilst they we were away at "university" then it is working. Here's the story:

I picked up a copy of Lego Star Wars II the other day. It was cheap in Morrisons and it was kind of my birthday (in a few days anyway) so I thought I would treat myself. I have the original one and seeing as we're not proper gamers here at Thatgirls anymore (thanks Giant Lego Hamstring Enemy) I wanted something to play to make me feel like I was being an accomplished gamer.


Spontaneous review based on the first four levels: It's good. What you expect although the cantina could be more populated, especially with the old save characters. Also, it would have been nice to walk around the hub as your custom character but whatever it has multiplayer without having to go online, do you hear that Xbox multiplayer without being called a spazzy gay the whole time. 8/10.

So then I was thinking about LEGO so I checked out the LEGO Universe website. AND JESUS CHRIST THAT LOOKS AWFUL. Here's the thing: People would only want to play a LEGO MMO if it was all about LEGO and everything was in LEGO. What's all this mushroom bullshit about? Where are the studs? Mushrooms. Did they ever see a lego set? So I was kicking about on the LEGO website in a rage and I checked out they're current products. Not Very Good I thought. Too expensive too themey. What happened to the nice space and medieval themes without the bullshit one piece dragons?? Anyway. Then I discovered you could download a program to make your own set! Sweet. So I designed one.

It's called The Owl Pretends Not To Watch it's inspiration comes from the night Richie! and I came up with the brilliant idea to do a blog together. The owl represents you reader!



The program to make sets is nice. In fact it is like a game itself. Look at the adventures one can have!!!! This is the time we went for some buggery in the mountains. We ate fried cheese almost every day!



This is the time we bummed to oblivion! Oblivion kinda sucked! The owl was sick the whole time which really put a downer on the whole thing.



This is when we recreated a scene from Zeldor The Windwaker Chronicles which was a popular game on the N64. We don't really like the Zelda series at all but we paid homoage to it anyway.



Then, and check this shizzle, I found out you can order the frikkin set you designed so, fingers-crossed, two sets of The Owl Pretends are now winging their way to TGAM towers. You can even design the box art! Here it is*.


So, see LEGO execs, it really works. Keep up the good work and fire everyone associated with LEGO Universe now. Btw completely unrelated, we are available for consultancy work on upcoming games so call us on 555-7849. Thanks!

Also, whilst "researching" these post I was reminded of the awesome Brick Testament for those who have hours on their hands to waste and also the formidable Brothers Brick which is worth a look at every now and then.



*Richie is the one with the hat.

Time to die snake

Ok. Enough now. This is a public notice to all game developers currently in the "hype" stage of development. Please stop dropping the "We've got some great AI" bomb during interviews UNLESS. You do have some great AI. FPS are by far the biggest culprits of just throwing that line in there after they've talked about the graphics and the story. A recent playthrough of the Turok demo shows that those cheeky guys at Propaganda games are living up to their name. Check this whole article about it over at IGN.

Fair dos you might thinking. Now, this would all be believable if after about two minutes of play you couldn't sense that all of that talk about AI was absolute bullshit.

Chuff_72, the man allegedly made of pure candles, waxes lyrical:

"WHY can't people who make these things try something a bit different, like, the raptors that attack you, they look cool and move nicely, and look dangerous, but behave like any normal retarded FPS enemy, i.e. there are 5-6 onscreen at once, they run around and you shoot them till they fall over... very exciting. COME ON, these are not SUICIDE TERRORIST RAPTORS, they are animals looking for food, why not have a pack of 5 raptors, that individually look really cool, that stalk you for the whole level, nipping in and out to fuck with you, showing some glimmer of self preservation! Wouldn't it be so much cooler to really feel like the hunted? No, no it's much more exciting to have them glitiching through each other knocking you over ALL THE TIME and then fall over dead from all the bullets you supposedly hit them with while firing randomly. "

Richard "Richie" Richeese, co-author of TGAM and wife to the stars, has this to say:

"Nope. Predictable. Um"

That guy's a maniac are still waiting for some decent AI in FPSs (and hack n' slash games like Dynasty Warriors). What exactly does an A.I engineer do? When I think of good AI, I don't think of a squad of bad guys patiently waiting their turn to have a go at you. I also don't think that one guy in ten tokenly taking cover mid fire fight every now and then counts either. I certainly don't believe the much used lie that "enemies adapt to how you play". Utter bullshit I say. I also don't think that cheap tricks like "move the horse slower to avoid attention" really ticks the AI box and the classic "grunts dramatically clambering over walls it would take them less time to walk around" is really what next-gen AI should be about.

FPSs could take a leaf out of WoW's recent AI developments. The AI is modelled on movements and behaviours observed in PvP play. The main problem with doing this for FPS is that armies of AI grunts would resort to sniping you from halfway across the level or employing the terribly efficient tactic, used by real life marines in 90% of combat situations, of circle- strafing. With the end result that the protagonist has to wade through legions of enemy units circle strafing you whilst you circle strafe them in some kind of elaborate co-ordinated dance more at home at a Bah-mitzvah. Circle strafing i's a natural reflex for many FPS players, so much so, that friend of TGAM, Robisgay, has real trouble with FPSs because his brain is apparently wired up wrongly so instead of naturally strafing left or right he can only strafe backwards and forwards. Suffice to say this tactic doesn't work so well. Of course, the fundamental flaw with AI is that the game has to be playable. In a real life situation it is unlikely that a squad of 12 men can storm a small town defended by 100 grunts a la Call of Duty 4, but a game where you are mercilessly sniped before you have a chance to fire a bullet isn't that much fun. The trick is to make the AI stupid enough so they don't take you out straight away but clever enough to have an air of believability. Alternatively, AI engineers could program enemies to incessantly call you a fag whilst tea-bagging your lifeless corpse. At least that way you could be forgiven for thinking you were playing against another "human being". But whatever you do developers just don't lie about what your game can and can't do just to sound good in an interview because gamers can see straight through it and it just makes you look like a tit from marketing.

C1 1 out.

P.S On the topic of lies, Kotaku just won't even pretend that they've got no news this month. Slow news month guys?

DANGER: Women in Games

Woah, now there is a lot of female attention happening in the games industry at the moment. Like we need more… Seriously I think girls have got their quota in the games industry and are recognised enough nowadays.

Girls have:

1. Personalised Systems, such as the Pink DS and a variety of Pink Peripherals.
2. A selection of shite games, Pony Friends, Barbie shopping, Cooking Mama etc…
3. Zelda?!? Apparently??!?! The Phantom hourglass is advertised as one of the DS’s “Games for Girls”, when the fuck did that happen? Why does the fairer sex get this franchise?
4. The DS in general, all titles for it seem to cater for girls in some way.
5. The Rezibator. Guys are not allowed attachments to games to get them going (apart from the guitar in guitar hero).
6. An unfair advantage in MMOs, due to all the guys being desperate.
1. [General] [Legolaas] ZOMG!!!!11 Nerf Girls they are IMBA
7. An inbuilt ability to multi-task.
8. The “years of persecution” card which they never play, but you know they will when they get a chance.
9. Not got the completionist chromosome.
10. Boobies.
11. They die later than men so they can get more play time out of games.

Not content with these things, it’s getting even more hyped-up as more and more girls within the industry are piping up. Recently we haven’t been able to surf anywhere without some comment about Jade Raymond, as post-adolescent boys blog about their unquestioning, unwavering, loyalty to Ubisoft. All in the vain hope that one day they could sup upon her crotch paté. Maybe now we can understand why Assassins Creed got such high scores? Yeah fair enough she supposedly helped in the creation of Assassins Creed, and it just so happens she is not that bad to look at. And on that note, we have Morgan Webb, who is bitching because she got to her position (as a host for some gaming thing no-one has heard of, Kudos Webb) based on her looks and not her game playing prowess (which she implies are more commendable). She actually makes some reasonable points about how her looks have got her ahead in the industry,

“Because boys like girls, straight up. Because Nerd #14 getting hired at Kotaku; not a story. Hot chick? Story. You talk to her about why they're a woman in the gaming industry. Guys all think, "Wow, wouldn't it be great if there were more? Even though she'd veto my triple-X busted woman that I want to put in this video game.”

Insightful no?

But to be honest I can’t really take her that seriously because her nipples are weirdly placed and point in different directions:


And for good measure I did a search for her on Flikr and found this rather flattering picture:


And it doesn’t stop there; all sorts of crazy online gamer-chicks are getting all pent-out-of shape about boobies. Exclaiming that Soulcalibur IV is disgraceful that the boobs are double the size of their heads, at this point I would like to point out, since you girls are new to this “gaming” thing that there is a HUGE difference between concept art and in-game graphics, so before you get your blood-ridden-ooze-encrusted panties in a twist, take a little time to compare the subtle differences between a drawing and a screenshot:

CONCEPT ART

SCREENSHOT

I won’t deny that she is well endowed, but guess what, there are women out there that have big boobs, it happens. And you know what… Guys will also be taken aback by them because big boobs appeal to us. It’s a primal thing part of the mammalian brain (not a pun on mammories or a joke, this is serious, boobs create a primal stirring, and if they are bigger/more noticeable then that stirring is more apparent.) But of course if you have issues you can always play as Cassandra (oh look at that, the game developer included someone with “normal” sized boobs, really sexist aren’t they).

Boobs and boob physics have been incorporated into most modern games such as Ninja Gaiden, Soulcalibur, Dead or alive, Tomb Raider (the new ones), Final Fantasy, Resident evil and even Guitar hero 3:

Pictured above: Judy Nails from Guitar hero 3, the boob physics incorporated here are not overly noticeable in game, however to get and example of it select Judy Nails as a character then proceed to the guitar selection screen, as you scroll through each guitar her boobs will shake slightly.

Now most people will argue that it is only women-with-small-boobs that have issue with big boobs in games, but then inevitably you get other women ranting on about the negative body image portrayal in games (these are usually just the ugly and/or fat women). Which is stupid on a number of levels, firstly games are based on fantasy there is no room in fantasy for ugly girls, bare in mind that they throwing fireballs, wielding giant swords etc. If the size of boobs is the only issue you have with the realism in the games then I would suggest a slight re-shuffle of your priorities. Secondly, returning to Soulcalibur as an example, considering that the girls are fighting and are quite athletic, agile etc. It would seem that they should be quite trim and in shape, some fat chick that doesn’t look after herself, wouldn’t stand a chance. I’m sorry but equal opportunities are out the window when you are playing as people that are in their prime, looked after themselves, train every day etc.

It’s not like you are gonna have a cripple in a wheelchair competing with Jin Kazama? Or a retard using his “Mong” attack on Jenova?

Feminism… Can I ask when the fuck did that become a good word? In my book most “ism” or “ists” are just other words for “collection of bastards”. I’m not a Masculinist, you don’t see me complaining that Kratos creates a negative body image, he makes guys want to go out and take Steroids.


It might be that fact that guys have been in the industry longer than girls, and we have a more mature standpoint than girls, but we know that it is a game, we know that we are never gonna be as buff as Ryu. Because it’s a game. It’s a game based on fantasy. It’s not real. If girls wanna grow up to be like Taki, remind them that anorexia is not the way, but working out is… Geez. You would think with the way all these chicks are banging on about it that girls minds are more fragile than boys. And because of that, guys have to suffer, this is not give or take, this is the industry, Girls you did not join the industry to change it, you joined it because you liked it. DON’T. FUCK. IT. UP.

Ugh.

That: Pinnacle reached: Cheggers accepted by gamers everywhere

W00t, joy of joys!

Today will go down in history as perhaps one of the greatest days in gaming history. We have spent years upon years waiting for this day. From the days of Pong, though the days of 8bit, all the way up to the snazzy HD consoles, its all been leading to this one gem. This one Holy Grail, the ultimate game of all games:



Rest assured we can all die happy now.

P.S. Sarcasm

P.P.S. To all those concerned, please stop this… not only are you encouraging Mr Chegwin, but you are giving birth to more gaming filth into the world, and its not like you have an excuse, like it was an accident. The Game was pre-meditated, you have given birth to a fully-fledged downs syndrome game with congenital abnormalities. This should have been aborted from Day 1. Are you proud of yourselves? Sickos.