Status Check: Are Mobile Games Any Good Yet?

Tl;dr, No.



Every so often a new flavour of mobile game comes along and you download it. Now your reasons for downloading it could be many:
  • It has characters/personalities/endorsements from TV/Movies/Games and you like them.
  • Giant anime titties or inferred nudity
  • Some other brainwashed cunt tells you "It's different, this one is good"*
  • It has been sold to you as the mobile version of [x] game which you used to play on [insert nostalgic actual gaming platform]
*This is because he/she spent money on it, and the poor fucker is spreading their misery: isolate them, identify them as the problem, and destroy them. 

There is a secret option here, which is it's own backward-ass problem
  • You bought a console port - Well done you! Now go play it for 15 mins, get nostalgic, and promptly realise that it is not fun to play with touch screen controls and your big ol' thumbs are in the way, covering the UI. 
I am a victim of this too, I can name a load of mobile games I have downloaded and played just because of the desire for a commute time killer. These are "games" I have invested my time into, and the thing that makes me feel most violated is that I have been made to feel I chose to spend my time on them. 

Browse your Google play or Apple store and you will see a plethora of "games" on display or even thrusted in your face. Choose any one. It doesn't matter, the My Little Pony one, the Marvel one, the hyper Japanese one. They are all the same. Pretty colours and flashing lights presented to you so that you feel like you are progressing. But there is no skill thought or talent for what you are doing! you are the hamster that hits the button to get the treat. Except in this case the "treat" is virtual funbucks which are even tastier when you add your own money - *nudge-nudge* special offer *wink-wink*.

But you all know this, you are adults, adults able to make their own informed decisions? You are not victims, you are grownups who are just looking for a 5 minute bit of fun... Yeah ok, maybe not 5 minutes, you do need to log in every 3 hours to collect the daily XP/funbucks, and yeah if you spend X amounts of Funbucks per day you get extra things that make the pretty lights prettier. Then you can just do this other thing where you get a bonus from the shop, all you need to do is scroll past all the special offers to get to it. But its OK it's only every day, that's just your commute... And you can just find the time do that on the weekend too, its cool, no biggie. Its just your own day off, why not fulfil an imaginary obligation?

But its fine you can stop any time you want, you haven't spent any money on it. You have just been saving up that secondary currency. Megafunbucks. The "special" currency, the one that lets you buy the special loot! The one that all the special offers have been advertising. Its all good you are just happy to keep grinding it, the precious premium currency. You are beating the system, your movements in game, and all the adverts you have been forced to watch mean nothing to the publishers. Saving your Megafunbucks is not another way to keep you coming back to the game, its not a visible currency of time spent on the game or anything like that! No Sir!

Fucking screen junkies! oh the pretty coloured boxes made 3 in a row, oh the random loot is "rare" and made a blue sparkle, that makes you special.

SAVE UP THE FUNBUCKS, TO AFFORD THAT NEXT DOPAMINE HIT!

Every action you take, every spin of a wheel, every tap of a "will you give us 5 stars", every 3 matched, every box opened, every card played, every character levelled, every purchase you almost made with Megafunbucks, is categorised, funnelled, processed, and pigeonholes you into the consumer you are, this is again consumed by whomever this is shared with, whomever's store you are browsing.

Ok, ok rant over. We are all aware that this shit happens, you choose a flavour of mobile game, you don't pay monies, but you pay every other price possible to turn the cogwheels of the app machine, we also know this is happening and being applied everywhere else, Netflix, amazon, social medias, actual real games you pay for, and most of the Internets. Last year we had GDPR popups everywhere and that whole Cambridge Analytica carnival. Like, were any of us surprised, we have all poked away enough at the latest flavour of Mobile game, and second guessed our own motivations for the time we have spent on it. We shouldn't be surprised that it is applied everywhere.

Why are you ranting Richie what is all this about?

Well firstly, "My name is Richie and I am a Mobile-game-oholic", (The first step is identifying you have a problem). A couple of months ago I fell off the wagon, and I downloaded Sega Heroes. Another flavour of match 3, this time with all of those Sega Characters you love... Go on name them all...
...Actual names...
...not just Sonic...
...or "the guy from crazy taxi"...
...What are their names?...
...the Golden Axe guys/gals, the final fight guys/gals...
...Yeah, thought so...
...It's a shit premise for a game a bunch of no-namers presented to you as if you care about them.

You are bounced about in different menus all of which have different methods for acquiring tokens, which are ONE of the currencies required to level up your characters, there is a total of seven different different requirements to level up your dudes:
  • Characters Tokens
  • Currency
  • Premium Currency
  • Survival mode tokens
  • Arena Tokens
  • Gems
  • Premium Gems
Your Abilities for your dudes are also tied to consumables, total grind fest. It is pretty much everything you should hate about Mobile games.

I remember showing this to Cunzy1 1 and her reaction was "Well that looks like a mobile game". And that rings so true. In no fashion does this "game" translate to an actual fun/gaming experience. It is a meter filling, collection simulator, a lesson in how companies can fuck the rotting corpses of their franchises. Let that image sink in, Sega Execs gangbanging the corpses of their "Sega Heroes", Jizz filled seeping orifices, existing or newly punctured.

The game is littered with paywalls, forcing you to play the other "modes" because the restricted characters you can use have their token drops elsewhere. And in an odd bid they offered "characters" with "buy it now" prices for real money, offering you Tails, an "Epic" Character for £34.99. They value one characters (which still requires to be levelled up to be usable!) at the retail price of some Triple A games! Fuck that, you fucking fucks. Fuck your monetization team, fuck your ethical stance fuck you.

Ok gentle readers, just be safe out there, there are games out there that are desperate for your money, clambering for your wallet pimping out their franchises and characters as the hookers they are (you should see what knuckles does for a tenner). The underbelly of the "play store" is akin to wandering through a casino in the red light district. Just be aware of this, and "play" safe.

Love and Dopamine,
Richie X


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