Chuff_72 is back. He's stranded on a isolated island somewhere and only has his mobile phone to play games on. He's been kind enough to wire his reviews over so we can laugh and point at mobile 'games'. They'll never be the future.
This is Slayin (no “g”, no fucking apostrophe either, apparently RETRO means bad grammar too).
Despite looking like shit it’s really enjoyable, and a cleverly condensed RPG in the mould of the infinite runner, because that little blue lump keeps on running, but only on one screen.
If you run into stuff with your pointy thing they die, if they run into your back passage you lose a chunk of life. There is a jump button, it’s the massive grey button on the right. The controls (left, right, jump) work for once, which is cause for much rejoicing.
During levels you can run into a shop and buy upgrades to keep you running, there are boss fights, and cheevos. It’s really good. That’s pretty much the review, below is all moaning so feel free to stop reading when I give the warning.
STOP NOW, THIS IS IN FACT A WARNING TO STOP.
Let’s talk Graphics shall we?
Yes, it is possible to make your game purposely look like shit, well done. I spent 69p on your shittified game, I actually quite like it, but for the betterment of mankind please can we strive for a little self respect and plug some more graphics in?
It’s a weird sort of self imposed shitness, like, I can’t complain about 1-bit Ninja, that used the iphone to cleverly make the game look shit, but stealthed a super sweet 3d graphic element in there to look for hidden bits in the level. This game just straight up looks old and shitty, blobs moving around over blobs with knobs on, there is a super limited colour palette.
I get that it’s a chosen “aesthetic” but come on, really it’s just an excuse for getting your younger brother to do all the sprite work and pay him in dog biscuits.
I don’t really have a point to make, I guess it just irritates me that this has become acceptable, they have literally made no use of the console (that’s right, I might start calling my phone a console, deal with it) it’s on.
Also, if you are going for the “retro” look and want the icon on the phone to look like a “retro” cart then make it look like a “retro” cart:
On to Pricing.
This game cost 69p, let’s be honest that’s basically nothing, however it’s not actually nothing, and on top of that it has In App Purchases. However, you won’t hear anyone on the internet shitting themselves to death over it, because the developers were very careful to make it look as shit as possible, which makes internetters go “awwwww aint it adorable! Is it on Android so I can get a ripped copy?”
If you strive for excellence and rub some of that graphical salt into your gamic creation and then charge NOTHING you get bumbdered to actual death, for example:
REAL RACING 3 – ACTUAL IN GAME SHOT OF A GAME ON A PHONE IN MY POCKET!!!
That is some next level looking shit right there, some 360 driving games don’t look that good, it’s mental, but because there are IAP and in game timers, and it’s published by EA, internetainians went mental, DEMANDING to be able to pay for the game, instead of having it for free. Yes, there are timers for shit, it’s a bit annoying, but not actually annoying at all unless you are a complete spaz and can’t drive for shit. You’ll notice I have steering and brake assist completely off too as this game handles better than most driving games I have ever played.
Just to see if I got my money’s worth from this FREE game I checked the hours played:
Over 15 hours. Only completed 90 of 961 events. NINE HUNDRED AND SIXTY ONE.
Next Review may be Heroes and Castles, or the Jonathan Ross Game, something about aliens, and probably more running. Did I do that Temple Run review? It’s alright, you run in to the screen, so it’s like all the other ones but INNOVATIVE and grannies and dogs can play it.
P.S. BONUS Temple Run review above.