Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Why we'll never have a consensus about how we feel about PC games

This just in, stoic TGAM contributor Chuff_72 who hath spake the BIG ONE, Sold Out, and spake thrice, wades into our flip flopping about PC Games to speak once more. Chuffty:

I did not grow up owning a PC, but my best friend always had the most up to date system, 386, 486, Pentium etc, so I played all those games when they first came out; Wolfenstein, Frontier, X-Wing, Warcraft 2, Dark Forces 2, etc. Great times. Then at a certain point “Graphics Cards” and “ETC” came along and suddenly there was no standard PC anymore and everything stopped working.

I didn’t touch a PC to play a game from about 1999 to 2004. In late 2004 I gave a mate £400 and asked for a PC that could play Dawn of War (“a good 40K game, holy shit take my money!”). My custom built PC died about a year and a half later, Limewire + 4gig of porn resulted in about 3000 viruses (literal, not figurative). After a deep cleanse the graphics card stopped working, at no point could I be arsed researching, ordering, and installing anything, shit should work, if it is not working it is dead to me.

Monster Hunter saw me through to 2008. I had £600 and wanted to play Crysis. This PC lasted till 2012, and in early 2013 it was wrapped in towels, rammed (with great care and tenderness) into a suit case, and dragged to Cunzy1_1’s gaff, where it recently inspired a love letter to the PC on this here webshizzle. I would just like to say that this PC was always very happy running Crysis at Medium settings and Warhammer Online (jeez, 40K, Warhammer, at this point I guess I might as well just throw in a bit of Magic: The Gathering to further destroy my street cred [but up my webgeek cred?]), and never truly let me down.

So, I spent £1000 on a laptop (Samsung Series 7 Chonos) last March, essentially it was for working from home, in reality I just really wanted to be able to sit on the sofa and play some cool new PC games.

The very first thing I did was install Steam (actually the first thing I installed was Magic: The Gathering: Online – at this point I feel I should just come clean), and dug around for something cheap to test my new machine, Serious Sam 3, step up! “ERROR – YOU ARE A CUNT”. Oh, I guess I am, well, I’ll just put the 360 back on (fired up MTGO more like), bye bye PC gaming.

9 months later and it was the olde Steam Sale, and I really couldn’t help myself. However, the Serious Sam situation needed to be solved, Google, Google, Google. Oh, apparently all I need to do right click and verify files, then if there’s a problem Steam will re-install the “file”, it does this by itself. So, why is this a manual check? Steam is checking, finding there is an error, calling me a Cunt and not then not fixing the error or giving me any useful info to work with. After this little re-install of corrupted files the mo fo loads and runs like a dream.

REVIEW: Serious Sam 3
It’s really similar to the other ones, but someone must have fucked up and changed the Croteam colour palette from “actual colours and stuff”, to “shades of boredom”. HOWEVER 10/10 FUCK YOOOOOOUUUUSSSS. It’s brilliant.

Come on:
Or:
So yeah, PC games and stuff. Steam Sale!

Dawn of War: Something Something WARHAMMER
Oh, can’t find my graphics card, running on the Intel Something Card, that’s weird. Wow this looks… pretty embarrassing. I am never playing this game. Instead of this:
I get this:

REVIEW: The Witcher 2
Oh, can’t find my graphics card, running on the Intel Something Card, that’s weird. Wow this looks… pretty embarrassing. I am never playing this game. Instead of this:
I get this:

After hours of my life spent Googling the shit out of Google it turns out that PCS ARE SHIT*.






 *Not really, I just want my stuff to work, if it’s not working then someone should make it work for me. This is why I’m a Console man at heart. SECRET HAPPY ENDING: Half Life 2 looks like this:


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