Chuff's back. He's our man on mobile which has been pretending to do games for a long time. Over to Chuff_72.
Look at this shit, does this look like the sort of game a tough Role Playing Mother Fucker like me would be into?
So for some reason (for any reason - AMERICA), I’ve been attracted to these really tough, unforgiving platformers that have been creeping into the App store. I really got into a game called League of Evil, smashed it, then smashed up the sequel, three starring the shit out of it BEFORE they nerfed all the completion times so your Mum (Mom) could finish it too while she’s rubbing one out (rubbing, furiously, there’s a squeaky noise and everything).
It’s got some story. It’s about a boy who has an uncomfortably close relationship with his Granny who he keeps in the attic. Then Aliens happen.
The controls are pretty gross, a button* for up, down, left and right, NO DIAGONAL, because if the C64 taught us anything, it’s that pressing the Diagonal Button to jump is for Mugs. There are even a couple buttons for Actions. Jumping and the shooting.
Despite the fact that this is, in fact, a touch screen game in my opinion, the controls are incredibly accurate**. There is no double jump in this one, it is replaced by a limited hover ability, NOT EXPLAINED IN THE STORY (I understand if this is a deal breaker for some). The levels are your standard walking and jumping, interrupted by hammers and shit, there is a cute triple layer thing going on, leaping in and out of the screen, it’s cool, but on the iphone the back layer is pretty damn small.
You get the usual unlocks, hover further, jump higher etc, there are hidden “really hard” levels – made harder due to having all your buttons made out of one piece of glass, and there is a sexy Granny in it.
So yeah, a quality iOS exclusive platformer! It’s exclusively on DS too, with actual buttons and everything.
*THERE ARE NO BUTTONS IT’S TOUCH SCREEN AND THEREFORE WHY HAVE YOU MADE A RIDICULOUSLY HARD PLATFORMER THAT REQUIRES PRECISION CONTROLS YOU BASTERDS.
**This is lies, but we have to pretend or people will never believe us when we say it’s our primary gaming console because of all the awesome sauce, and not because we are ashamed of carrying a DS about in public.***
***Talking of being ashamed, I once sat in a park outside my office in 30 degree heat, and made a MAGIC: THE GATHERING deck inside a rucksack (backpack).