Saturday, October 20, 2012

Mists of Pokemon

Sexeh bikini warrior
So Warcraft decided to put Pokemon in their latest expansion but is it any good? Well sort answer is no, but there are some plus points to it. Mainly it shows Pokemon could be an MMO of sorts, but it also uses some nice graphics to do it. It actually puts the old Pokemon stadiums to shame because the pets actually interact with each other during attacks, as opposed to the shoddy cutscene of an attack being done, then cut to attacked Pokemon flinching in pain.

But there are many, many issues with the "Pet battles" within the WoW interface. The biggest and most annoying one, it is buggy as hell:

  • There was several times when playing through my character would be facing the wrong way, sure its just an aesthetic thing but, cmon...
  • Its cheaty! now I read this may have been fixed now, but apparently there was something wrong with the RNG with pet battles, I found that the AI was able to dodge attacks way more than I did, making it frustrating to beat the gym leaders. 
  • Some of the achievements were unobtainable, being unable to challenge certain gym leaders because they were opposite factions.
  • The part that most annoyed me about pet battles is the attacks. With Wow the pokemons get three moves, but they lack any strategy/synergy with each other, essentially you use moves that provide the best from a a Paper/Scissors/Rock scenario and that is fine, I have been doing that for nearly 15 years now, however there is no strategy, no setting up, no buffs that are really worthwhile, healing moves tend to cause more trouble than they are worth, scaling badly with levels.

There are several other issues I had such as the later levels being a bit grindy but, its WoW so i cant really make that claim without a whole domino effect regarding the whole game! I also feel that the pet battles were designed to be just different enough not to be sued by Nintendo, which cheapened it for me. But what bothered me was all these bugs and issues were still not caught in the months it was on the PTR, and were launched live.

NB: On another note I'd like to say I called this! Years ago I called that WoW was moving to becoming a Platform rather than a game, a glorified/interactive version of the steam store, it will happen people we can see them testing it out with the inclusion of Plants vs Zombies, Farmville, and Pokemon. Soon you will be guiding your pretty looking level 100 to throw angry dragons at a stack of green boars. Mark my words!!!

Love and WoW conspiracies,

Richie X

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

PICTURE US NAKED

PICTURE US NAKED SMOKING CIGARS AND QUOFFING. Just quoffing in general. 

What is the reason for such unspecified quoffing and cigars you may ask? Well it's the fall of Zynga, Cheryl.

This is an announcement about us "telling you so" and laughing at all those game designer people, who like schoolboys playing schoolboy football at school neglecting long term tactics or planning and just chasing the ball which is a metaphor for what's shiny, new and profitable for one company but not the fourteen thousand smaller ones that set themselves up to just copy someone else's success.

This is now us actually telling you so and laughing at all those game designer people, who like schoolboys playing schoolboy football at school neglecting long term tactics or planning and just chasing the ball which is a metaphor for what's shiny, new and profitable for one company but not the fourteen thousand smaller ones that set themselves up to just copy someone else's success. Okay so we didn't tell Zynga so and we probably didn't even write a post about it but we distinctly remember being slightly worried after one of those wanky navel gazing conferences (GDC? E3? Something like that) where all the wormtongue pseudoacademics and green starry eyed gaming entrepeneurs jumped on the social networking gaming bandwagon insidiously declaring console gaming, PC gaming and probably some other forms of gaming as dead. Long live Cow Clickers and the like!

Well in your face. Here's to all those morons who tried to get on this bandwagon and probably failed. Here's to their total lack of business plan (a napkin with Clone a popular gemm + soshiul network = mega profits isn't a business plan). Here's to all those awful clones and other stupid non games destined to never be played down on page 2415 of the virtual game store. Look likes the bubble burst and you're left standing then with nothing but your balls in your hand(s) and the design docs for "hot" new IP FTP Mad Avians or whatnot clenched betwixt butt cheeks. Here's to all the promising young game designers who took a risk to join your silly little companies and are now probably going to be without a job. Well done everyone. Well done.

THE BIT WHERE WE PREDICT THE NEXT TREND IN GAMING TO COLLAPSE SOON AFTER IT IS ANNOUNCED AS "THE FUTURE":

-  All those mobile gaming companies
- All those minecraft clones
- Sci-fi shootan games
- Kickstarter games

More cigars Cheryl! More cigars!

Monday, October 15, 2012

We PlaYed All ThE NeW Gems

Hey. We've been super busy playing all the new gems out. We bundled them up into this super review right here;

6/10

That's it really. Everything is good enough to function (barely) but there's nothing to set your balls on fire and send us with a G-con in one hand and a prima guide in the other to evangelise about our former hobby. Maybe we've hit the 'magical age', the ludopause, where we realise that actually games are all a little bit silly and most seemed to be aimed at angry American 11 year olds who think shootan' and blood and gore are cool and pretty much the be all and end all of all media. Well media that can be considered acceptable to lie about having played in the playground.