Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Nintendo Channel: NOW SHOWING!

It's been a couple of weeks since we tuned into the Nintendo Channel to see what's up on ninty's very own TV channel. That's deliberate because the channel has a relatively low turn over and the videos seem to be programmed by a mental who doesn't really understand how marketing works. So we've matchsticked our eyes open long enough to suffer through the latest crop of hit-and-miss offering. What's new?
  • There's a couple of Resident Evil Revelations videos up. They are as dull as the previous ones sadly whilst at the same time giving us the feeling like we've played the game already.
  • More nonsense Mario Kart "Player challenge" vids. Yet another 'series' on the channel that just baffles. Initially these videos introduced challenges in a range of games and we're all for lengthening the long tail of interest on titles older than two weeks. Now, however, they're just Mario Kart 7 time trial videos. If you really are desperate to compete against these anonymous videos with no clear target or way to submit your best time there's videos up for Melody Motorway and DK Pass.
  • Nintendo TV News, Official Nintendo Magazine's contribution to the channel, keeps up the expected levels of script-writing that even five year olds find commiserable. Episode 2 contains plenty of annoying adjectives, pathetic puns and cuntish alliteration. Particularly nonsensical is that episode 2 hypes up RE:Revelations on the channel, odd given that Revelations is a 15 rated game and nobody with any sense over the age of nine will watch this stuff. Also impressive is that the magazine manges to translate its inoffensive and unspectacular style to the little screen. I don't imagine anyone finds these episodes cool. In fact we're probably the only ones who watch these vids.
  • The Last Story gets some love. If you know us like the mountain knows the winter snows then it really fucks us off that many people refer to the Wii as a 'legacy platform' even with strong and interesting titles like The Last Story coming out. There's something like 70 million Wiis sitting under people's televisions and yet the platform is being written off in the name of 'progress' when games like The Last Story and Xenoblade Chronicles are putting most HD titles to shame. Anyway, there are two Last Story trailers and an interview with Hironobu Sakaguchi up on the channel so if you are at all interested they are worth a watch (both of the trailers are available online anyway). Be warned though, the interview, as all interviews with Japanese game developers are, is really boring. We can't make our mind up on whether we hate boring Japanese developer interviews or lying bastard western developer interviews more.
  • LoZ: Snooze McSnooze has another trailer. This one is "The Epic" trailer. Looks like a bunch of elves and fairies dicking about in the clouds to us but WHAT DO WE KNOW?
  • There's a bizarre Tekken 3D Prime Edition video up. Titled, Ono-San Vs. Harada-San it isn't your normal trailer. It shows Capcom's Yoshinori Ono facing off against someone from Namco? Nice to see a game video do something different but we feel sorry for Namco having to rely on Capcom to get people interested in their silly little game. In fact, even Capcom feel ashamed flashing up the disclaimer "This product is no way affiliated with Capcom or its subsidiaries".  Capcom are probably trying to convince people that Tekken isn't a poor man's fighting series in preparation for Street Fighter X Tekken. Slightly cheeky on this channel given that it hasn't been announced for a Nintendo system (yet?). 
  • There's two WEEKLY DOWNLOADS TRAILERS. These are our favourite videos on the channel. Wario Land is out for the DS VC, GO Series: Undead Storm for DSi Ware anyone? And SHIT THE BED Successfully Learning Mathematics Year 4 is out! No wonder the PS Vita isn't exactly flying off the shelves. Although saying that we are secretly curious about Newton vs the Horde on Wiiware. Not so much about Box Pusher on DSi Ware which looks as interesting as it sounds. 
  • There's two proper Tekken 3D videos one for the game and one for the film. The game still looks as shit as ever with those crappy little orange explosions barely masking the poor collision detection. They're even bundling it with a 3D Tekken film to make up for it. The only way we'd ever be tempted to watch it if was Monty Oum had anything to do with it.....
  • We totally missed out on Valentines shenanigans this year. We've got a list as long as some hair straighteners of various Valentines related stuff in games. But we were so overwhelmed by the platitudinous posts from all those other video game bloggers that we ended up drinking bleach until we couldn't see anymore. It turns out bleach doesn't really effect your eyesight before it causes massive internal trauma so we spent VDay getting a stomach pump and an enema. Anyway, there's a cute little Nintendo Letterbox video about writing Valentine's messages using the 3DS message service. DISCLAIMER: Nobody ever got laid by sending a Nintendo Letterbox message. 
So the usual old bollocks then. Nobody at Nintendo is taking our hints. If you want people to watch this channel, put up exclusive and interesting content. Ubiquitous interesting content will get viewed on the internet. Exclusive shite content will make people never watch the channel again. The people would come if Nintendo eschewed all other outlets. Such a wasted opportunity that we'll strive to continue to keep you updated about.

Tot straks! 

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Metro- now with games coverage

How long has the Metro been doing games coverage properly? It is even in the Life section of the magazine! For so long we've been used to newspapers coverage of games being a single game review bundled in the bit-that-nobody-reads or in 'gadgets' or next to the radio listings. Not only is the (weekly) metro coverage a double page spread, they review the latest games rather than games that came out four months ago and the writing ain't that bad either. 

Of course, it is entirely moot as anybody interested in games gets all the information they need online. It seems quaint to have to "read a newspaper" for reviews but it warms the cockles of our little hearts that games are finally getting the mainstream recognition that gamers seem to crave to justify their 'hobby/lifestyle'. Even if it is moot coverage and even if the gaming community does its level best to remain toxic, inane and offensive to anybody they suspect of not being a hardcore gamer.

That is all.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The buttrapiest game of the month:

This month goes to...
Bug Village.

This mobile pile of buttrape is designed purely to part you with your money. Sure on the outside its all cutsey insects and big cartoon eyes, but underneath lies the soul sucking villainous heart of a corporate moneygrabber concept.

Just to clarify I played this on the Windows Phone. Windows phone has quite a few games on it and has the added bonus of being able to contribute to your gamerscore. Microsoft have released quite a few free games that do this too, simple crap like Minesweeper, Sudoku, but also some fun ones like Breeze. They are not all bad, but still suffer from just being mobile games.

Then about a Month ago another free one hit the marketplace; Bug Village by Glu. Glu have been around for years making shitty mobile games since the days of the nokia brick phones. But this new "free" addition to the Windows Phone games is just fucking terrible. At every turn it tries to get you to pay money, there is an in game currency of gold which you can buy with Microsoft points. it even positions these links to buy more coins at strategic points to make you accidentally click them. There is even tasks, which remain on the side of your screen which actually requires you to by purely aesthetic things, but you must pay for them. Buttrapey. AND to top it all off the game is technically pathetic, there are frequent graphical glitches blacking out the screen, and the Achievements are bugged, I for some reason got the "hit level 25" cheevo at level 20.

So in conclusion on the but rape scale of "Just the tip" to "Yawning Prolapse" this is a:

2 litre bottle of coke inserted lid first with the screw-cap precariously loose, after a good shaking up.

Love and smug post orgasmic buttrape bees,

Richie X

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

House of The Dead

It's always nice to find yourself in the household of a fellow gamer. By far the best bit is perusing their game collection and is also why we hide Shadow the Hedgehog from public display, at the back, in a box re-sleeved with a CoD insert. It is also is a prime time to play those game you wouldn't have bought yourself but are mildly curious about. Hence how we ended up playing House of the Dead 2, 3 and Overkill.

Way back when, our family had a Mega Drive and so I grew up on all things SEGA. Sega at home is fine. Arcade SEGA though? Ugh. Unlike rigid and structured games for the home consoles Arcade games are noisy, flashy and 'loose' a bit like your mother. Arcade games are a Waquila suicide* to home games single malt whiskey. Created to rinse your wallet they lack the structure I need to not go foetal and I still shudder when I have to choose 'arcade mode' from a game menu. It's why I'd been avoiding HoTD.

I got over it though and HoTD is fun if not a bit batshit crazy. Overkill is a bit more forgiving and I can't work out if I like the series more when it is pretending to be serious but coming across as nonsense with hackneyed plots and poorly translated 'dialogue' that make Resident Evil look like  [google literature and find out the name of something that is wrote well] as in HoTD 2 & 3, or whether it is poking fun at itself as in Overkill. In this rare occasion I was keen to play through Overkill because I'd read that something 'nasty' happens at the end. It is nasty but then I watch a lot of Belgian films so I think it could have been worse.

Measured against Wii light gun stablemates Resident Evil Chronicles, Link's Crossbow Training and Dead Space: Extraction, HoTD's arcade pedigree is apparent. There aren't periods of inactivity to build tension or files to hunt or a central story to progress. This is wall to wall rounding the corner, unleashing a storm of bullets with the occasional nonsensical cutscene to push the the half chewed and dessicated piece of cartilage of  a plot along to the next level. Unlike the other light gun games on the Wii the only way to play HoTD is with the hand cannons (or any other third party gun peripheral, of which there are 100,000 for the Wii). Unfortunately, we didn't have the official handcannon to hand but I was surprised at how good the pair of Venom's I had performed. Yes it is mindless but sometimes, putting down pretense for a while and feeling the visceral URGGGH of violent video games in the base of your ballsack reminds you that gaming doesn't have to be intelligent to be fun.

The NUMBERS BIT Who are we kidding? We're probably the last people on earth to play these games so any illusions of this being a useful review........ 7/10.

 * A shot of the cheapest Whiskey and Tequila you can find, snort the drink, drink the lemon and rub the salt in your eye.

Friday, February 17, 2012

NPC of the Month

NEW FEATURE ALERT! NEW FEATURE ALERT! Not content on bringing you the hottest content on video games on the internet we're launching yet another feature setting us aside from those 'other' internet 'sites' bringing you the 'news'. Each month we'll be picking our favourite NPCs from the amazing and magical world of video games. This month is.....

It's Only Our Own Bloody Correspondant Alcamoth Citizen!

Any thoughts on being our very first NPC of the month bird lady?

It is literally, metaphorically and stereotypically no wonder why we picked her to be our new correspondent from inside video games with a wit like that, inside sources at the Ministry of Records and such a fine pair of head wings too. Interesting fact you might not know about Alcamoth Citizen is that she can be found standing rooted to the spot in Alcamoth City in the Day-Time. Every. Single. Day. Check it out, she's always got something to say about the latest video game news and inside rumblings at the Ministry of Records.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

An Announcement and An Introduction

In October last year the TGAM board of directors met to discuss how Second Greatest Video Game Blog On The Internet, That Guy's a Maniac (TGAM) was performing. We've listened to our consumers and things are going to change around here. First off, there's going to be no more features that we startand don't finish (like TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever, Unit of the Month or That guy's Interviews) also we've listened to you and what you want is more Resident Evil coverage. We are called That Guy's A Maniac and should honour that legacy. So we'll be seeing some changes around here. Changes we think you will both like. Also, stakeholders have been complaining that TGAM is a it of a sausage fest when we aren't pretending to be women and we need to be covering video games from the female perspective a bit more Which brings me neatly onto OUR BRAND NEW FEATURE:

Yes, we know we don't keep you updated on the latest games news by simply repasting all the news that has already been posted all over the Internet so we're going to launch a new Internet exclusive, reflections on the latest video game news from our NPC reporter on the ground. Say hello to the latest addition to team TGAM, Alcamoth Citizen. She's a sassy bird lady who will be reflecting on the latest news from inside popular Wii game Xenoblade Chronicles in our new feature called ALCAMOTH CITIZEN SAYS. Do you have any thoughts about joining the team here?

I'm sure he did! That Internet friends is what we call an exclusive. You heard it here first. The first of many changes the team here are bringing to you Today and Tomorrow Channel.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

What game is that then?

This landed in our feedreader from the normally OK EDGE magazine.

Self-styled "game director and alleged psychopath" David Jaffe has kicked off Twisted Metal's marketing campaign in typical style, inviting players to fire an automatic weapon from the comfort of their desks. "I'm here to tell you about the epic return of gaming's most sick, depraved franchise," he says. "It's Twisted Fucking Metal on PlayStation 3, and it's back, bitch."

Self-styled "game director and alleged psychopath" David Jaffe has kicked off Twisted Metal's marketing campaign in typical style, inviting players to fire an automatic weapon from the comfort of their desks. "I'm here to tell you about the epic return of gaming's most sick, depraved franchise," he says. "It's Twisted Fucking Metal on PlayStation 3, and it's back, bitch.

Shoot My Truck
Self-styled "game director and alleged psychopath" David Jaffe has kicked off Twisted Metal's marketing campaign in typical style, inviting players to fire an automatic weapon from the comfort of their desks.
"I'm here to tell you about the epic return of gaming's most sick, depraved franchise," he says. "It's Twisted Fucking Metal on PlayStation 3, and it's back, bitch.
I prefer the top one which doesn't have the links but does have a speech exclamation mark after bitch. 

Also, fuck Psychonauts 2 we need somebody to find the cash to make Brian Howe's SLUTTY MERMAID CHAINSAW GENOCIDE. "Time to make some merm-alade" is surely enough of a pitch to get this game (at least the opening FMV) made.

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Gayms Jurnalism

Remember the GMAs? You know the Games Media Awards? Well it is a UK awards thing for people who write about games. one of last year's nominees was Chris Scullion who writes for the Official Nintendo magazine in the category SPECIALIST WRITER PRINT. Sadly he didn't win and presumably he was having an off day in OPM 79 when he writes the following about Dragon Quest X:
Also making the decision tricky [about whether to get the Wii or Wii U version] is the fact that, as it's the first RPG [on the Wii] to focus more on online adventuring (much like Monster Hunter Tri)...
Is it the first or is it not? Snark snark snark.

Monday, February 06, 2012

Dilemma: Guiness World Records Gamer's Edition

Aaaaaargh. I hate it. Stupid records like 'World's Most Successful Pokemon Playing Family'. That isn't a proper record. 'World's largest controller' IT WAS PURPOSEFULLY BUILT FOR THE BOOK. How does that count? What an utter nonsense. Combining the world's most pointless record keeping organisation with one of the world's most pointless leisure-time endeavours surely deserves a record for the world's most pointless collaboration? Also 90% of these records are absolutely contested, instantly out of date and very poorly monitored and some come from the INTERNET of all places. We all saw King of Kong are those guys to be trusted?

Woooooah. Amazing. Did you know that: The Elder Scrolls: Daggerfall has 750,000 NPCs? And that the fastest speed run of Tomb Raider is 2hrs and 39 minutes by a woman! Did you know that Resident Evil 2 is the most popular RE on the PS2 (change the record dudes)? Did you know that Darkstalkers umm mash up/spin off Vampire Chronicle was the first online fighting game? Also, how cool is it to see a book about video games on sale on the high street? IT'S LIKE GAMING IS ALL PROPER AND STUFF FOR REAL PEOPLE.

To buy or not to buy given that one Guinness World Record's Gamer's Edition is already two too many for our household. Hmmmmmmmmm.

Friday, February 03, 2012

Soul Calibur V: This is what it's about now.

The other character is supposed to be Lightning from FFXIII but is pretty poor The Dragonborn looks the part though! And I love the arrow in the knee!

Love and There should be a word to describe being bored and trawling though YouTube,

Richie X

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Battling with FFXIII before FFXIII-2

You know saying things are "like Marmite", is like Marmite you either love it or hate it. That's right there's no middle ground its black or white no shades of gray, no 6 out of 10's, its either 0 out of 10, or 10 out of 10! They are opposite ends of the spectrum, Violet and Red. missing out all the greens, blues, oranges and yellows in between.

And Squaresoft are apparently the same, their games are either "teh SuXXorZ" or "Epic wins". After a slew of Epic wins: VII, VIII, IX, X, everything just seemed to go wrong for them, they made a very girly sequel to FFX, an expensive niche MMO (for PC AND consoles), a single player MMO at the end of a consoles lifecycle, and then XIII finally! After nearly 10 years since FFX, Square made an actual RPG where you level up your dudes and you know chocobos and stuff. But something was wrong... there was grumblings in the internet there was horrible talk of a 30 hour training section, but still we fell in love with the characters before we played it, "Ah Lightning, you protagonist antihero type, going against Shinra your evil maniacal company", "And you crazy Afro-man with the chocobo in your hair, we love you already!". Then release. And we realise we have been given a game with ridiculous amounts of cutscenes and FMVs, a linear path and Transformers summons.

And XIII is now thrown on the binary marmite system pile of "teh SuXXorZ", because it simply was not an "Epic Win" and so therefore it must be its antithesis.

But I'm here to say it wasn't great, but it certainly didn't suck, yes the story was long-winded and a little bit bollocks (though no more so than the other ones) and the whole linear story thing was annoying. though you did get a bit of a sandpit of free reign for the meta-game where you run around doing the last missions and chocobo digging, and this is where you spent most of the game leveling up your dudes to max and getting those achievements. The summons were pointless weak, and really jarred with the FFXIII world. But the battle system was good, the game was really pretty, the mechanics of the meta-game were probably more fun than the game itself.

On a side note. remember FFX? It was widely loved with its LINEAR story, yeah that's right remember? FFX had no world map, or backtracking. You followed an almost linear road till metagame where you leveled your doods and killed a selection of enemies more powerful than the actual "final" boss character in the game. FFX was also riddled with Cutscenes, you couldn't go 5 meters down Mi'hen Highroad with out some pleb telling you about Yevon or how evil machines are, And of course Tidus preaching his "Wonder Years" type monologue at you. "I didnt know it then, but I would start my Chocobo anal love then and there.".

Yet these are the same complaints FFXIII got... Though i suppose you were kind of thrown in at the deep  end with the sphere grid leveling system.

So does FFXIII deserve to be in "teh SuXXorZ" pile for Training, odd summons and not having blitzball? Or if we are brutally honest, is it in "teh SuXXorZ" pile because it wasn't FFVII...

Love and an Analogy that is Analogous to itself (tee hee "anal"),

Richie X