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Showing posts from 2012

NEW CRUSH

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Sharla who? Yes in the second of the Operation Rainfall titles we've been playing through we think that our crush on elastatits has been completely replaced by our love of the heavy-drinking, fun loving, foul-mouthed Syrenne of The Last Story. Plus she's disabled*! A strong, disabled female video game character who puts the typical JRPG male protagonist to shame.  
*She has a Northern accent.

X Factor Final and Games?

Making what passes for 'news' today is the story that the X-Factor final last week had the lowest viewer figures since 2006. Why might this be? Well we can speculate. People may be tired of the format, people may have better things to do on a Saturday night. TV may need to reexamine the way it judges the success of failure of shows because with so many ways to catch up online, on mobiles or through set top boxes that allow pre-recording. The notion of having to be sat at home to watch something at a fixed time (complete with annoying ads) is probably alien to people of the generations after mine. They may have just found the contestants boring or figured that it wasn't really a contest anymore given that the finalists comprise an uncharismatic Liverpudlian, an uncharismatic shy guy (not that kind) who insists on having a haircut that makes him instantly unlikeable and the one who can actually sing and seems a bit interesting.

These all sound like possible causes for the vi…

The future is now: Sponsored by [advertisement]

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So here it is then, the future: long gone are the days of plugging your console into your TV, long gone are coaxial cables, even scrabbling to put the SCART in, whilst trying to trace the input with your finger to make sure it's the right way up, is slowly becoming something you will wistfully retell to your grandkids. Nowadays everyone has a digital device and can "game" on anything. We have finally come to a point where these devices have higher quality games, no less than a few years ago colour mobile devices were playing glorified Commodore64 games using your 2,4,6,8 keys as a joystick.  Now we have easily PS1/PS2 quality games on the bog standard SMART phones, in no time at all its going to be the same tech everywhere expanding/improving at the same rates. As someone who has lived through the advent of home gaming, through generations of consoles, I can consider this a kind of golden age of gaming... Its everywhere!
Yeah its fucking everywhere and sponsored by fuck…

The Guardian School of News Reporting

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We're... urgh... digital natives and we're now of the generation where mainstream media journalists don't really represent us. They's falling over themselves to appear trendy and more than a little obsessed with Twitter. Last week we read a fascinating story in the Evening Standard about Z-Celebrities reactions to Z list Celebrities leaving Celebrity reality shows for 'medical reasons'. This was whole page. This is loser generated content at it's worst and for those of us who grew up on the mean streets of long forgotten forums and who cut our teeth trolling wicca websites the constant obsession with who said what onTwitter and the sheer laziness and naivety of reporting drives us insane. Richard Bacon's answer to the problems of Trolling (pronounced Trollllling not trole-ing apparently) is to make everyone's profile with their real name and photo.  yeah, because RealID worked out really well.
Anywho. Who are we to complain? We're just the litt…

Formula Zero Grand Xix

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Who wants a review of a nine year old game? Who DOESN'T want a review of a nine year old game more like? Yes Wii U is almost upon us and all those retarded journos, the morons who run GAME and those ridiculous early adopters won't stop bloody going on about it. However, much like the 3DS it feels like a series of reruns. There's genuinely nothing original on the platform bar Nintendoland but I can tell you now that 90% of Wii U games won't pick up on the brilliant idea of hiding information on the game pad or asymmetric gameplay. 
It'll be like motion controls all over again. Everyone and their dog will make platformers where poor old player 5 (the mum character in the current TV spots) jabs the screen to create platforms and generally has far less fun than a quick spot of rub the man in the boat. 
 But fuck new games. I'm still catching up with the Gamecube releases. I distrust those pricks online who claim to be 'bored' by a console (normally the Wi…

We heard something about someone but we're too afraid to write about it on the Internet

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Fortunately, Alcamoth Citizen our journalist from Xenoblade Chronicles is in a place where the press can't touch her. She truly has freedom of speech. So Alcamoth Citizen, lay it on us. What's the haps? I think that that says it all. I hope we haven't implicated anyone directly or indirectly with this post....

The snake eating its own tail

So despite GAME disappearing, our local store has curiously reopened (so that's why the lights were on 24/7 for the whole six months it was closed). A couple of weeks ago my better half was away for a few days so I conspired to waste my money on a game and revel in it until she returned. I could hide the game in the cupboard of things I have to keep in storage because they give out the wrong message to visitors when they visit the house tm. Despite giving up on GAME numerous times I was on a time sensitive mission. I needed a silly game, it had only just come out and I couldn't wait for online delivery.

On an unrelated note here is a play I just penned called Some Things Never Change

Some Things Never Change By Cunzy1 1

A HANDSOME MAN who looks very well hung and charasmatic and could pass for early-mid twenties walks into a GAME store. He wanders around the store with intent and eventually queues up for the till whilst a MORON is trading in 50 copies of Fifa to a GAME WORKER. G…

Mists of Pokemon

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So Warcraft decided to put Pokemon in their latest expansion but is it any good? Well sort answer is no, but there are some plus points to it. Mainly it shows Pokemon could be an MMO of sorts, but it also uses some nice graphics to do it. It actually puts the old Pokemon stadiums to shame because the pets actually interact with each other during attacks, as opposed to the shoddy cutscene of an attack being done, then cut to attacked Pokemon flinching in pain.

But there are many, many issues with the "Pet battles" within the WoW interface. The biggest and most annoying one, it is buggy as hell:

There was several times when playing through my character would be facing the wrong way, sure its just an aesthetic thing but, cmon...Its cheaty! now I read this may have been fixed now, but apparently there was something wrong with the RNG with pet battles, I found that the AI was able to dodge attacks way more than I did, making it frustrating to beat the gym leaders. Some of the ach…

PICTURE US NAKED

PICTURE US NAKED SMOKING CIGARS AND QUOFFING. Just quoffing in general. 
What is the reason for such unspecified quoffing and cigars you may ask? Well it's the fall of Zynga, Cheryl.
This is an announcement about us "telling you so" and laughing at all those game designer people, who like schoolboys playing schoolboy football at school neglecting long term tactics or planning and just chasing the ball which is a metaphor for what's shiny, new and profitable for one company but not the fourteen thousand smaller ones that set themselves up to just copy someone else's success.
This is now us actually telling you so and laughing at all those game designer people, who like schoolboys playing schoolboy football at school neglecting long term tactics or planning and just chasing the ball which is a metaphor for what's shiny, new and profitable for one company but not the fourteen thousand smaller ones that set themselves up to just copy someone else's succe…

We PlaYed All ThE NeW Gems

Hey. We've been super busy playing all the new gems out. We bundled them up into this super review right here;
6/10
That's it really. Everything is good enough to function (barely) but there's nothing to set your balls on fire and send us with a G-con in one hand and a prima guide in the other to evangelise about our former hobby. Maybe we've hit the 'magical age', the ludopause, where we realise that actually games are all a little bit silly and most seemed to be aimed at angry American 11 year olds who think shootan' and blood and gore are cool and pretty much the be all and end all of all media. Well media that can be considered acceptable to lie about having played in the playground. 

New GAME will feature the best of Gamestation

MCV has the news y'all. I'm so excited about this. Here's the best of Gamestation:

200 Mint copies of FIFA 2001A NES without any games, cables or controllers.Two G-Cons (not compatible with modern TVs).A copy of Halo 3 without the instruction booklet or sleeve.The Resident Evil trilogy. The films. The second third and fourth ones anyway. Well this'll get GAME back into the market.

Omastar Comics #34

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As previously promised here she blows. This Omastar comic was filmed at 25 panels per second to give it that "episode of Doctor Who feel" so it looks like a school nativity production, filmed by someone's Dad. Someone's Dad who is overcaffeinated and has Parkinson's disease. The way that Omastar Comics were supposed to be seen but up until now the technology didn't exist to bring you this artistic vision. 
 In this episode, an Internet first using this new technology, nothing really happens. in fact previous Omastar Comics have been much better than this one. However, the technology used to create this one is newer so therefore this is better than others despite the story and pacing being weaker, the general lack of dialogue, the glaring plot holes and the bit between panel 5 and 6 which just doesn't make sense. Critics are calling it the summer blockbuster comic and already this comic has made $140000000 in pre-orders and merchandising alone.

OC aficion…

Uh oh, new level of porn achieved!

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Just how long before the porn industry gets ahold of this technology




Love and dear god what am I printing,

Richie X

More on Windows 8

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A wee while ago we talked about Windows 8, the new PC OS from Microsoft. Now Mr Steam-Valve himself has spoken out about it. Mr Newell doesn't seem to like it, calling it a "Catastrophe" and potentially pegging Linux as a new platform for steam. Frankly it seems he is just scared to back Microsoft on this one, you know the major player in PC operating systems...
Thatguys says: Windows 8 is not a bad platform, yes the schizophrenic nature of the metro interface and the desktop is a bit weird, and in the 10 months we have been using it we find ourselves ignoring the metro start-up screen and just going straight to the Desktop. "Why bother?" you say? Well, its faster straight up the loading time of windows is reduced immensely, and (we assume) the whole environment is more lightweight as games are actually faster and most importantly everything works. Windows 8 is essentially a faster, more stable (even in beta) version of Windows 7 so all those peripherals and p…

Ouya a name to rival the Wii in Stupidity?

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So all of you out there in internetland are probably dying to know what TGAM think about the Ouya.

2/10 - More effort needed. A glorified PC gimped with Android.

Well, we have talked about Digital Convergence before, and this could be interpreted as an inevitable step or perhaps even a step backwards. Its essentially a little PC that plugs into your TV, it'll run Android (i.e. Linux) and let you play Android games. Granted this gives you a new platform to play Android games, but is it even worth it? 99% of Android games cant even compare to iOS graphics and playability, and yet the ability to play iOS games on a TV or Desktop is just there, no hype, no random internet folks paying 5 million for it either.

Oh yeah and PCs thy plug into your TV they have an infinitely larger back catalogue and you know... fuck it you can emulate most generations too (or indeed, if you are that way inclined, play certain android games from within the chrome browser)

There needs to be more to get us e…

Comic-Con again

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The Comic-con, the platform for all the announcement about films, games, media, and apparently comic books is upon us yet again. Its time for the socially inept to don their steampunk bugs bunny body suits and get involved in some hype.


So far it's all been Twilight and Expendables news. However there is one film that is piquing our interest, exposing our tip, jangling our change, giving us that special feeling, that good hurt, stirring up some violent repression...




Wreck-it Ralph. Disneys take on computer games. Ralph is the main bad guy in a fictional retro game, seeking redemption to be the good guy. As can be see from the trailer it features some cameos from Street Fighter and Nintendo. Spanky. 


TGAM will keep out special eye on this one, not that we like Disney or anything...


Love and Hakuna Matatas,


Richie X

Why is sqeenix missing the Shinra Cargo ship?

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More chatter about the Final Fantasy VII re-release. A few days ago some intrepids spotted squeenix had written a menu for what seemed like a FF7 remake, this however turned out to be simply a re-release, most likely a digital download for iPad or the like


Now a few months back I mentioned bootleg from qhimm.com, it simply takes your original install of FF7 and updates music, graphics to make it much prettier to play (also you can add silly, but well thought out, mods like Aeris resurrection). Squeenix say: Optimized for PC – FINAL FANTASY VII has been updated to support the latest hardware and Windows Operating Systems. But will it be prettier, like will they optimise it for widescreen? will the models be updated? will it still have the terrible midi music when it can be replaced so easily with MP3s? That's the information, for some reason, I care about.
Meh, I bet it doesn't. But then I suppose there is always the argument that it wouldn't be a "pure" re-release…

More Dragonball Announced

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So yeah a "collection" of the older PS2 Dragonball Z games is due out for 360 and PS3, HDified. This collection has Budokai and Budokai 3. Budokai 2 was missed out entirely, mainly because it had a stupid story mode which involved a board game interface. The first Budokai was not brilliant and seems to be a token in this "collection".

However we should all be excited about Budokai 3. It include a huge roster of characters a lot of nods in the fans directions, and better game play than the 360/PS3 successors, "Raging Blast". Raging Blast attempted to inappropriately touch fans of the series and keep it a special secret, it stripped down the number of characters, which honestly felt like they were doing it to: a) Make DLC for monies b) Make way for a slurry of sequels which died with Raging blast 2 and its lack of any real additions. Most disappointing Raging blast was less fun to play.


Interestingly enough, did you know that DBZ:TB3 (yes that is the full a…

TGAM went outside.

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And we went to the V&A (AKA Victoria and Albert Museum). After shyly looking away when we thought some girl looked at us whilst we were trading Pokemon with ourselves on the train, we paid our &13.50 to see the British design exhibition. The exhibit is littered with some really kitschy examples of British design, from simple things like the font used on Road Signs, to Ziggy Stardust outfit.

But the exceptional part was the brief Computer games section... Exceptional may be a tad over-selling it. The fact there was a Computer games section which was pretty much mind blowing in itself. There were no descriptions is was just a darkened room with the following:

Elite: This was being projected on a wall showing some of the battle scenes. Elite is an important game as, even though it's nearly 20 years old, it set a standard for CCP's space trading MMO: EVE Online. In fact if you strip away the overzealous graphics and the recently tacked-on interior stuff, it's the same g…

LIEWATCH: Watchog on Watch Dogs

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Every now and then someone makes an extraordinary claim about an upcoming game that makes us turn our heads and get excited about gaming again. Then from hype to eventual release it turns out that said revolutionary feature was just a bunch of guff. Molyneux is king of the hype lies, David Cage frequently overstretches stating what his games can achieve. You know the kind of stuff we mean, the "your choices really matter stuff" that Mass Effect nearly got right or the "your actions will permanently change the world"  stuff that inevitably gets watered down by release time because it seems most gamers are babies who hate not being able to turn back the clock (or reload their save games) when things don't go their way. We've got our Patrats and our Watchogs on red alert particularly as we're nearing the beginning of the next generation and lying about future games tends to see a bit of a spike. Today's porky pie is courtesy of EDGE magazine's Q&a…

Mobile games are they good yet?

Ugh I cant stop playing Taptitude.

Yeah I know I have a Windows7 phone, get your giggling out.
I had an android phone for a while, and where it is good with all the (then) free apps, its gimpy linuxy experience couldn't do simple stuff like texting or phoning... big fat fail for me. And Apple, well I'm still on the fence. Firstly I don't really want to conform to the millions of "individual snowflakes"out there, and secondly are still no proper games for Apple... there is iOS games, re-imaginings of older games, which look pretty much the same as they did ten years ago or jumped up browser games. They are pretty but not for me. So I decided to go for a Win7 Phone, it tied into my 360 account, its fast, it works, it's more user friendly than the other "smart" phones, but there is fuck all for it, and no fucker wants it, nobody believes windows may have a product that is "easy to use" 

Anyways, there is a couple of games for win7 Angry birds…

Coming Soon..

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Where do we go, from here...

I still feel sad after I heard news of this: The Loading bar.

We have, for years, contemplated the possibility of our own little gaming themed pub, though admittedly it was supposed to roll off the success of thatguys.co.uk. Which, if we were to take our market research from, we would have Sheeva Nude, and Gay Dante themed bar.

However where does this stop? Gaming culture has come leaps and bounds since our blog started a little over six years ago (SIX!) there is a definite acceptance and hip-mainstreamism (akin to geek-chic) of gaming. It has taken much longer than I expected for a theme bar to be created, at least in the UK. The Mana-Bar in Australia aka Yahtzee Croshaw's bar has been open for ages now. But why only bars, we have nightclubs for music, cinemas for Movies, we used to have arcades for games (Ha!). We occasionally have E3 and other over hyped corporate events. But these are yearly, and as much fun as it is to get confirmation that Game X has been confirmed at these …

Depression

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NOT A LOT GOING ON IN GAMING FOLKS. There's all that sexism rubbish which might be worth discussing were the internet version of the gaming community not a multiheaded siren screaming inanity. E3 failed to get anyone hyped about anything (those few people pretending that smartglass is a thing are clutching at straws). But don't worry kids! It isn't all:
AND Umm. Well it might be. We hadn't thought past the joke. Quick look, a Final Fantasy VII rerelease...
Phew that was close.

Devil May Cry HD: Finally

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So we finally got DMC:HD Collection. Despite not one fucking retailer selling it any more, I mean seriously... There is no copies of this anywhere, this collection came out when the GAME group was in receivership, liquidation, bankruptcy or whatever bullshit umbrella term they were using for the poor business model of forcing the unwitting public to buy the latest pap that paid them dividends. Anyways it came out when GAME was briefly shut, and as such they never got it in, but also it seems no other supermarkets or other retailers seem to have it either (which makes us consiprationally question the distribution of games!), so it was off to the internets where, without fail, we got it, and first hand too, so no more fuelling the pre-owned machine.

But yeah digressions aside...

We fired this up a couple of days ago starting with DMC1 and to sum it up; first impressions were that the game was hard! I remembered most of the locations and hidden items/secrets, but I was really struggling…

We've given away too much of our soul

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In between, twitter, reddit, forums and comments on all those fucking sites that never repay the favour I think we've given away a bit of our soul. We're all gamed out*

Here's a thing. A feature.

What she said until we've got some more inspiration. Uuuuuuugh. THAT WAS THE BAD THING. E3. We just remembered. Oh god.


*Without actually playing any games. Aside from Pokemon Mystery Dungeon again. That barely counts. That's us in coasting mode**

** NOT TRUE, NOT TRUE we played Paper Mario. It's s'alright.

The Art of Video Games

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The book. This one. Not The Art of the Video Game or Video Game Art or The Art of Game Characters or Creating the Art of the Game or Game Art. Those are different books. We won't be talking about those here. 

The Art of Video Games: From Pac-Man to Mass Effect is the catalogue of the exhibition with the same name that is still running (until September this year) at the Smithsonian American Art Museum. The exhibition has been widely described as crucial but very conservative. It isn't the first video game exhibition or the first time that games have been on display. The Science Museum in London put together a very interactive exhibition called Game On and the Design Museum had a very small installation of the design of games. Also the HTTP Gallery (now Furtherfield) had a very cool exhibition a while back. It is the first exhibition however, by a big institution, a big art institution that treats games as games within their own right.
The subtitle "From Pac-Man to Mass Ef…

E3 Balls

So it's E3 again. Already. Everyone gets way too excited, few let important things such as facts get in their way. We're going to be extending all of our tendrils during E3 and we'll keep updating this post when thoughts occur in our brains.


Errr steady on MCV, this year's isn't even over yet and they're starting coverage about the next one. Hmm.More Wii U speculation. This time it's Mass Effect. Possibly. So that's yet another AAA game that's already on the HD platforms that may appear on the Wii U. Forgive us for not wetting our pants yet.There's a Painkiller sequel. To go with the four ports and 200 expansions. CARE FACTOR = 0Crysis 3Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Will this one even turn a profit? No. No of course it won't.We just can't hide our surprise. Sony, the makers of PlayStation. Are making an accessory that turns the PlayStation Move into a steering wheel well into a hang glider thing! Wow! If only I coul…

Marcel on E3

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Wait. You too? How did he?...

The Loading Bar

Aaaargh! They stole our idea and and they have the best fucking name

BASTARDS, CORNISH BASTARDS*
THEY HAVE A DRINK CALLED G AND T VIRUS! Uuugh. Disgustingly brilliant. We're done.
Oh also we turned six years old and as predicted missed it. Completely missed it. We'll be honest we're running on fumes.

* Secretly jealous.

The heat. It burnssss us

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It's hot outside which means vidjo games, in contrast to cricket, have to be cancelled due to fine weather. Everyone, literally everyone, else is going to parks and filling up beer gardens and the social pressure is for us to do that too. Plus, because we have to open the windows, we can't see our screens anymore. Lastly, because all our energy has melted away, the slightest excuse prevents us from playing most games. Can't play Sonic Mega Collection to unlock Comix Zone without finding the right memory card first? We'd probably die of dehydration trying to find it. Have to take the Wiimote our of it's condom to put it in the Wii-Zapper? Death unless you've got a parasol to protect you. Standing up to play Kinect? Make sure you take at least five litres of water. Luckily though, there's always Pokemon*. Nice safe, friendly Pokemon sitting in the DS, flick it open, turn it on. Gaming happiness from our melted pool on the floor vantage point. We can even sec…

"Crunch time"

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You know, its not often I talk about the games industry and the depravity and filth within, however today I would like to bend your ears, open your eyes and perhaps even educate the cretins and executives out there. For the non-industryer "crunch time" is when a game, DLC or whatever is reaching it's deadline. This deadline will suddenly make everyone involved on that project start working at 200% (usually up from 50%) to get everything done, creating a great deal of stress on budgets, quality and people. The deadline itself is usually enforced by marketing, or by a separate publisher, who has dictated that, "this needs to happen by then".

Now, why does this exist?

In short, this exist because of poor project planning. The tl;dr version is: Persons are placed in positions of authority and management, due to internal promotions i.e. low ranking programmers, developers and even testers who get given these tasks, without professional qualifications or certificati…

Gay

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We picked this up from father of MUDs (or another appropriate title), Richard Bartle:
When role-playing games offer the possibility for player characters to romance non-player characters, the pressure for including same-sex relationships doesn't come primarily from gay players. Rather, it comes from straight male players who are playing female characters and get creeped out when they get hit on by male non-player characters. Now he's a man who would know but I'm going to call Bouffalantshit on this one especially as it isn't qualified at all. is this an assumption or assertion? Are we talking about existing games, theoretical games or the two or three games that virtual world scholars study? Has anyone talked tot he developers who make this decisions and asked why they do/don't allow same sex relationships? Or at least I'm hoping it is all codswallop. Far too much has been written about gender and identity in games but for our liking none of it has really …

Rise of Nightmares

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Remember when we promised content? Here's some of it. About four years ago we played Rise of Nightmares on the Kinect and on the Xbox 360. We weren't impressed with the Kinect line-up at launch  (still aren't to be honest or happy about subsequent Kinect games) it was a rushed gimmicky effort to try to sway some of the bajillions of people who had played Wii Sports into buying an Xbox 360 and then, presumably get them onto proper games or something. Although games seem to be a low priority for Sony and Microsoft who seem to be fighting to be the all-in-one home media centre of which games is a small part. Then, it turns out that everyone and their dog is doing cool things with a Kinect. Everyone except people who make Kinect games that is. 
That would have been absolutely fine an' all except the Kinect games were all a bit pap. Including Rise of Nightmares. Under no circumstances should you play Rise of Nightmares single player. It is an exercise in extreme frustrat…