Thursday, November 24, 2011

SERIOUSLY?


THIS IS GOING BADLY. STUPID FUCKING MEME.

Jurassic Park: The Game


Another quickie. Is it me or is this game even out yet for the consoles? Telltale's site isn't helpful. Nothing in GAME or HMV. Amazon don't seem to have it. Xbox isn't promoting it very well. Nothing on the official PlayStation site.

UPDATE: Ah ha apparently it has been delayed for the Xbox in Europe. Maybe Telltale should have that on their fucking website?

That's how you do retail apparently. Pissing off the one person who actually might tolerate your piss poor QTE game.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Too late! I watched most of it on Youtube. Sorry guys you lost a sale.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Two Good Things You Should Read

Soz everybody, we've been mired in Dinosaur games of late. Just stopping by, checking we haven't been burgled. Oh and there's two things you should read. There's probably an easier way of flagging these links but it'll require signing up to a thing and then a thing. So just click the links kay?

First up, this discussion from EDGE about game art. It makes all the points we clumsily try to communicate when the "Are games art" discussion comes up before the conversation gets hi-jacked by idiots thinking they know what art is and isn't.

Second up, what is wrong with the video game BAFTAs. There's a lot wrong with them, some of it is what Ste says in the article. But we all know that indie games are boring anyway. On a more serious note, "Games" are so huge that there's no point in trying to group them together for awards. Who are the awards for too? They certainly don't seem to be for me.

Stay safe kiddlewinks.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Omastar Comics #32 Omastar 3D

3D is great right? Everything is just better in 3D. Including Omastar Comics! Prepare to have your eyes close down knowing that they won't ever see a finer thing after you read this new Omastar Comic. NOW IN 3D.

Unfortunately, the Rocky Helmet from Omastar Comics 32 could not be rendered in 3DDoes not get better than that people makes you think how we ever put up with all those 2D omastar comics right? We might as well call it a day here.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

KYOTOKEI! The demo

Wiiware has demos, Wiiware doesn't have demos. Wiiware sorta has demos but there are none avaialable. Wiiware has demos of weird games. We keep out eye on demos that sometimes get put up on the Nintendo channel. Sometimes we download the demos. We then play an excellent mini game called "juggle the channel data" where we try to free up enough space in the Wii memory to be able to play the demo just downloaded onto the SD card. We try to do it in as few moves possible, leaving the minimum amount of free blocks spare on the Wii. Right now as we type you can download the demo of Fast: Racing League, Kyotokei and some micro racers game. We downloaded Kyotokei. First impressions aren't great. It looks like an amateur webcomicist did the characters. Erk. The music is also annoying. Not a good start.

The game itself is quite cool. I don't know how original the concept is but it is basically a side scrolling shooter but you can change the colour of your guy riding a bird to either red or blue. When you are red you are immune to red bullets, when you are blue you are immune to blue bullets. The demo is only one and a tiny bit levels long but it gives you an idea of the concept and a taster of how this basic mechanic actually makes for quite a fun game. No doubt the game gets fiendish later on, running with this colour changing bird boy concept.


You shoot the clothes off this lady. Not quite to the same extent as sentimental shooting but if that tickles your prickles we won't hold you back. So there we go, fan of SSSs? Got a Wii? Check out the Wiiware demo today! Stupidly, it's also on iphone and the ipad so it is probably one of the best games on those platforms. What you can see of it when your big fat fingers aren't covering half of the screen.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Skyrim Liveblogging: Dungeon Crawling

So i did my first dungeon, found the first side quest i could do and ran there and started opening chests and killing bad-men. Its oblivion again!!!!

Well that's it for now.

Further updates in the next few weeks on this game.

Love and Golden Claws,

Richie X

Skyrim Liveblogging: Levelling up

Ding! Levelled up!

Took my first "perk" in Archery, oh I see Skyrim is using the perk system from Fallout...

Though i worry did i choose well?!?!?

Love and hastily chosen perks,

Richie X

Skyrim liveblogging: Character creation

So here is my little badass.

Love and Off to the block with you,

Richie X

Skyrim: Liveblogging!!

Oh yeah, fuck remembrance day! Today is Skyrim-day!

Right now I'm installing that bad boy ready to launch into it, expect updates today....

Love and the only reason I'll be silent at 11am is because I'm so engrossed in character creation,

Richie X

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

VOTE FOR DEOXYS

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. WE'VE ABUSED ALL CAPS TOO MUCH IN THE PAST, THIS TIME WE MEAN IT.

The Official pokemon website is running a vote for a pokemon that will be featured as a download via the Pokemon Global Link. It is clear that TGAM are poke addicts but it ain't all rosy. This could change everything.

Here are the current rankings of pokemon people have been voting for:

For the love of god Pokemon players. VOTE FOR DEOXYS! Deoxys has never been available in the UK. The empty spot in my almost living pokedex drives me crazy. It is a constant source of dismay to me and the people around me. Whoever the fuck is voting for ditto and pikachu needs euthanising straight away. Not metaphorical euthanising, deliberate hunting down, slaying dissecting and grotesquely displayed in public areas as a warning to others. As for the people voting for Arceus, sure, it is a nice third choice but there was an event for it a while ago. You missed out. Sorry guys. VOTE DEOXYS. For all that is left of good in this world, a vote for Deoxys is a vote against the powers of evil. A vote for Deoxys is good for the economy and will stop climate change in its tracks. Voting for deoxys has been proved to contribute to a cure for cancer. Show there is still a reason for living people. Unlocking a piece of digital code has literally never been so important.

If Deoxys doesn't win this vote, we're going to get special. I can't say any more because ridiculous privacy invading and thought police laws in this country means we could do time for threatening to BLANK up every single BLANK in BLANK until all the BLANKS are wishing it would be BLANK again if Deoxys doesn't win this vote. If there was ever one single cause the gaming community could rally around to prove we aren't all anti-social mouth breathers, its this one. Vote Deoxys, save the empire.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Disgrace: The father of video games

Two MCV links in as many days. Good on ya MCV, no doubt our publicity (we are the second greatest video game blog in all of existence as proved by science, probably the firs now as Harvind1 has seemingly gone offline) will give them a numbers boost.

This interview with Ralph Baer over at the Salt Lake City Tribune has him bemoaning modern video games. MCV ran with the quote:

“I think it’s a disgrace,” he told The Salt Lake Tribune. “What I created got abominated.”

Now when we aren't not whinging, we often are whinging but Ralph doesn't feel the need (or it wasn't reported) quite what he finds disgraceful. Tom Nook's prices and stock rotation? The outrageous camping that goes on in Team Fortress 2? Nauseating DRM? Too many busty women in games? Not enough women working in games? The Water Temple in OoT? The fact that Rogue Squadron 2 boots you all the way back to the menu screen every time you fail a mission? That no other video game does water better than Baldur's Gate? The blue shell in Mario Kart? That games are helping to fight cancer in FoldIT and raising awareness to wider social issues in Darfur is dying? That Syndicate is now a shiny-generic FPS?

We'll never know from the information we have today. He's just generally disgusted with all of gaming, good and bad. Console, handheld and PC. Big studio and Indie. Driving games, puzzle games and side-scrolling shooters. Disgraceful.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Not the normal whinge

We whinge too much. One of the things we whinge about is how game retailers don't seem to be able to distinguish their mid arm ginglymus from their midrectum aperture when it comes to the business of selling games.

In the immortal words of Chief Brian Irons, whose hobby used to be taxidermy "BUT NO LONGER".


We're so happy we even busted out a de-motivational poster and a Resident Evil 2 quote just like it were 2005 all over again.

MCV talk to Robert Hennessy, John Lewis' new games buyer and he be talking a whole lotta sense. Including a Nintendo Shop at John Lewis' flagship store, just around the corner from the hit-and-miss flagship GAME store. In a word, FUCK YES and in more words ABOUT TIME.

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Modern Borefare

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 is out very very soon. It'll no doubt sell well, there may be news stories about how many millions of pounds people shirking their day at work to play it will cost the economy. We however, could not care about one of gaming's biggest annual events.

Way back when, we were fans of Call of Duty, Brothers in Arms and Medal of Honour. The historical focus appealed to us. This was when FPS still worked off the Doom format. There was shooting to be done, "keycards" to be found, missions to be completed and if that wasn't enough the couch co-op wasn't too bad.

Things changed with this:



Showing its' age now, astonishing how much things have changed since 2002. I remember the first time I played through this, my mind was blown. It was unlike any experience I had in gaming before, incredibly exciting and powerful especially given the basis of this level on real events of the D-day landing. On a second and third playthrough however, it is obvious that this "chaotic" scene is actually a linear stage, awaiting your presence for the choreographed action to unfold. By the fourth and fifth playthroughs you can almost leisurely stroll up the beach knowing that the explosions and deaths are orchestrated for your benefit. The opening level of the next game, Medal of Honour Rising Sun, was even worse. Set on one of the ships in the ill-fated Pearl Harbour on the day of umm Pearl Harbour, you play as a soldier who frantically scrambles to the ships AA guns to shoot down a series of Japanese aircraft. A fixed series of Japanese aircraft that just go around and around in their predefined sequence until you shoot them all down, triggering the next cutscene. Alternatively, you can opt out of shooting the planes down and nothing really happens. America doesn't enter the war, Little Boy is not dropped on Hiroshima, Hitler is not defeated. The Japanese planes circle round and round for infinity. Smoke and mirrors can work wonders in video games to make you believe that what is unfolding on screen is more sophisticated or clever than it actually is. For us, when it doesn't quite work and you can see the sticky tape and toilet roll tubes at work behind the scenes it undermines the whole experience. I want to play a video game, I don't want to stroll through an interactive film set, flattered as I am that is has been put together for me.

With the improvement in the ease and reliability of online multiplayer, unfortunately (for us, not for them) the makers of CoD and MoH decided to take these series more in that direction. We don't have the time or the inclination to play online multiplayer FPSs although we understand many enjoy doing so. Our interest is in the story/campaign/single player mode. These days the single player game in the kinds of games is nothing more than a roller-coaster that barely needs any input from the player. Some people seem to enjoy being duped into believing they are playing a game. I'm not one of them. I don't want to be tricked by a cinematic experience, I want to have some agency in between shooting a couple of guys (or not even firing a gun once) and walking between cutscenes (Simon Parkin is a man after my own heart when it comes to Uncharted 3, sadly this wasn't good enough for Eurogamer as pointed out by Penny Arcade's Tycho). I have books to read and films to watch for linear experiences, video games are supposed to be interactive. I am willing to tolerate autoplay games if the story or setting have something unique or interesting to say or show but as these FPS games are now all set in fictional modern day settings, it's more cost effective to buy a Clancy novel with the benefit that the writing is better and that if you want to share the experience you don't get quite so many American teenagers calling you a fag.

What we always look forward to is how the games media will pander to gaming's biggest series. It looks like the embargo for MW3 reviews is going to run right up to launch day, not unusual in itself but perhaps cause for some eyebrow raising for the biggest release in anglophone gaming. Modern Warfare 2 got a ludicrous 94 on metacritic (a still ludicrous but less so 86 on PC despite these issues). Most of the biggest gaming sites and magazines gave it a perfect score; a flawless experience that it is impossible to better? A few critics I respect did bemoan MW2 for its shallowness but it was a much over-shouted minority. I don't want to get hung up on numbers too much as video games are a subjective medium but I think that Dead Rising as an interactive experience towers over Modern Borefare games and even Legend of Zelda. In the Good the Bad and the Multiplex, Mark Kermode berates movie producers and critics for rejecting intelligent movies and contempt for movie goers. I think the same is true of AAA game releases these days.

P.S. As if there wasn't enough for us to dislike about the series, GAME are running a preorder, where you get four hours of double experience in multiplayer.

Friday, November 04, 2011

L.A. Noire: A re-review

So I did it, I got the full 1400GP for LA. Noire. And as such I'm gonna do a retrospective review of this game. First Up, the game is not that hard, in fact it is so easy that you can actually choose to skip all the action and driving sections. However from an achievement point of view; the game is long winded, and honestly some of the achievements feel very tacked on. For instance, one achievement is to drive all 95 vehicles in the game. Now, if you have ever seen the game you could identify, a taxi, a police car and a bus, but every other fucking vehicle in that game is either a) a car, or b) a convertible car. Trying to differentiate those cars was a bitch and racked me up some youtube time, and annoyingly one car actually does not spawn anywhere in the game, the only way to get it is during a case and you walk out into a parking lot, when you are not meant to... Another horrible tacked on achievement was the hidden packages one... Fifty Hidden packages all round the map, and you know what? Throughout the entire game I did not see one single one! So that was 2-3 hours of youtubing their locations.
However that aside. Those were perhaps the worst achievements, the cars one was meta so you at least got some GP for half the cars found. The game itself is fun and the story is great to watch (though cannot be skipped on replays) the detectiving thing is loads of fun, though reminded me of a 3D point and click adventure,  with some impressive face rendering. The DLC is great, fits in nicely with the plot, though i feel it should have just been included with the game, you know like those DVD releases that have extra minutes of film, but they didnt show you it in the cinema, so you would want to buy the DVD.

TL:DR. The game is great but the cheevos are long winded.

Love and 1940's vehicle identification,

Richie X

Thursday, November 03, 2011

I Love Dead Rising

We buy EDGE. We read EDGE. We are EDGE readers. Randy Smith writes for EDGE. We've previously wished that Randy Smith didn't write for EDGE. However, we may have to renege our wishes because he has written a nice article about Why Dead Rising Stands Out From The Horde.

As with all good game writing h e has perfectly enshrined my thoughts into words, thoughts I didn't realise I had until I read this.

I love Dead Rising (including the Wii port). Randy sums up why. It's that feeling of me against the Horde. The way I play the game changes from moment to moment. I might be trying to save survivors, I might without really noticing it, decide to eradicate all the zombies from a particular area. I might just stroll about the casino/mall checking out the environment but always with one eye on the nearest group of goons. I know what I want to do and most of the times there's hundreds of zombies in between me and my own personal objective. Things go well I move on to the next thing. If things go badly, all of a sudden I'm deep in a crowd of zombies with no health and I end up playing like some hungry hobo, smashing stuff up and opening boxes in a desperate attempt to find food. I also love that the game doesn't end if you balls the story up. Playing through Legend of Zelda provides almost the opposite experience. There's very little choice in the order and how I go about doing things. The game has a very set route it wishes me to follow, I may wish to spend four hours fishing but in order to progress the game, I'm ultimately going to have to beat a boss and solve some environmental puzzles. As we saw yesterday, I couldn't really care for what happens to TP's Hyrule. In Dead Rising, although there aren't penalties (missing out on cheevos and unlockables aside) for not saving survivors or taking out psychos I feel compelled to do my bit for the lucky few who may survive through the zombie invasion. I've played through the first Dead Rising about a dozen times yet I always always have to do the Jo Slade mission because, well she's horrible

I know that I can suspend my Zelda game and nothing will happen to Hyrule, it will always be on the brink of disaster with the possibility of being saved in my absence. I can't bear to ignore Jo Slade's mission because even if I don't do the mission nothing happens (she and her victims will just disappear when the time limit for the mission runs out) but the thought of letting Jo abuse those survivors is enough to make sure I swing by to put Jo out of her misery every playthrough. And that's when games are great. When consciously or subconsciously they make you suspend your beliefs and immerse you in their worlds.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

LIVE BLOGGING LEGEND OF ZELDA TWILIGHT PRINCESS!

It starts! Batteries, check. Wii check. Component cable showing green? No. Sort of? Eventually fixed.

We're in.

To start press A+B. Why. Why not A or B? Save file has been created. Pretty interesting stuff so far.

Choose name- Dink. Winner. Dink and Apony. Epic adventures.


Water is not as good as Baldur's Gate (better than Wow though).

Spirits. Talking about spirits. There's a man with a moon face. It's tough. We're in Hyrule again. We know that much.

TRIVIA: The first horse you see doesn't have a penis. We were both looking for it too.

Ugh Goat herding. Squirrels. Red colour's gone looks like Gears now. Games been paused to sort out the issue with the colour red.

Tits! She's washed our penisless horse. Discussion about whether Dink is mute or not. Sex of Apony confirmed by tits.

We have to play an instrument already. This is one of the things we hate about LoZ. On the upside we're riding a horse. Apony to be specific.

We've herded some goats and held a chicken. Odon village is pretty boring. Everyone looks at bit special needs. We like the glory hole in our house though. The ladder climbing is quite good too. Dink doesn't have a toilet in his house. Perhaps that's what the basement is for.

Dink is soliciting equipment from kids. We got our first rupee. There is a fucking scary kid that looks like the baby from Brain Dead outside our house....Everyone looks like they have Minimata disease.




WE GOT A YELLOW RUPPEE! OMG Bausting. There's bausting in this game. We failed to catch a goat. Damn looks like we missed a cheevo. There's a woman with a cradle, and a cat to find. ESCAPISM.

We're currently chasing a cat with a chicken. Too early to GAMEFAQ? The cat is attracted to the fishing rod....

We're rolling now. We got a sword, a lantern and a slingshot. AMERICA!

So a lot has happened since the last update one of the Thalidomide got captured by a monkey. But not really. So we fought off some purple goblins. Then rounded up some more goats. The game then got a bit dark. A little girl was shot with an arrow. Morglum Necksnapper rocked up and blew a horn. Now we're a dog. In a sewer.

What is it about sewer levels that is very very boring?

Whilst Chuff was out I accidentally got a game over negotiating the dumb dog around and falling off the stupid towers of Hyrule Castle twice. Shhhhhhhhhhh don't tell him.

We beat a shadow being and talked to a massssive (15ft) goat of light. All in a day's work.

Spoke to another goat of light. So maybe we're halfway through already? We're collecting tears to unleash the goat of light. Chuff's having a tough time with the map. Apparently if you invert camera it means right is left and down is up on the map screen. Off to get the dark insects of darkness to get the light tears of lightness. Or something.

Ah! It wasn't a goat is was a monkey of light. Makes sense.

Yep. Don't waste it.

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT: Apathy set in when we got to the Forest Temple. We stopped live blogging it. We stopped talking even. Out of a sense of "if we do ever play this game again I don't want to start halfway through a dungeon" we soldiered through. It's not a bad game. It's polished, it works (apart from the combat which for your average fight is a combination of mad flailing) it's just boring. Going through the motions without really wanting to. The Forest Temple dungeon is mostly linear, you just have to work out whether or not you have the right equipment to progress. It isn't particularly mentally challenging. Last night we beat the Forest Temple and had clocked up six hours of playtime. The killer question is is playing this a competitor for the myriad of other things I can do with my free time? The bar for this is set low given that the world economics is about to implode so "myriad of other things I can do with my free time" translates to get home from work tired and watch Come Dine With Me. In this instance I can't say that playing LoZ:TP is of advantage over CDWM. The story is hackneyed- find the three shadow things and save the four light things to bring light upon the land. It isn't enough of an impetus to make slogging through the game worth it. The game works but is more a matter of finding the right tool to get to the next dungeon to get a new tool to get through the next dungeon. Playing it isn't fun enough to make slogging through the game worth it either.

Lastly, I couldn't give a monkeys (Forest Temple joke!) if the game gets better after this first dungeon. Six hours is my game time for a month and there's a ton of games I know I enjoy more than this one already. Sorry Nints, but it looks like I'm going to give Skyward Sword a miss but can't say I didn't try with this (not)hated(as much as I used to) franchise.

Legend of Zelda Twiglet Princess

This is not the exciting exclusive announcement we announced in yesterday's announcement announcement.

Last week we were grumble grumble grumble grots about the new Legend of Zelda game. This is not fitting of the World's Second Greatest Video Game Blog of all time as proved by SCIENCE. So we're going to man up and give it a shot. We're comfortable enough in our sexualities to admit when we may have been hasty or wrong. In fact, I might really enjoy throwing boomerangs or throwing those pathetic little bombs about?

This evening, along with fellow LoZ hater and extremely occassional contributor Chuff_72 we've decided to give Legend of Zelda Twiglet Princess a go. It is only fair. Apparently, this lady is in it?


Why doesn't she wear shoes? We might even live blog it. We say 'might' because we might not get past the first five minutes if Link insists on making that horrible noise he makes. Then that wouldn't make for a great blog at all.

Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Exciting exclusive announcement

PREVIEW: EXCLUSIVE: We've got an announcement to make: at some point in the future we will be announcing something. Maybe a countdown clock. Maybe we'll finish our TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever, maybe we'll announce another gaming celebrity? Stay tuned to our constant stream of announcement announcements through all of those social networking sites you are on!