Tuesday, June 28, 2011

E3 That was shit wasn't it?

We’ve been away and the reason is that we were paralysed by an overwhelming sense of underwhelment. The cause was this year’s E3. Okay, we’ll admit it, we haven’t been the world’s staunchest E3 fans, it’s the time of year that game companies gleefully inform us of what shit we should be eating for the coming year, whether we like it or not. Lesser gaming sites use the occasion to announce all kinds of “exclusives” and “previews” until everyone is bored with it all and all that is left for the next year is the rather tedious exercise of waiting for the games that have been totally spoiled through the year to come out.
Microsoft’s Presentation.
Remember that tosser with the shades from last year arriving on the stage like the unruly, too-cool-for-school but delivers results rebel.

Kinect CuntHe was back this year still with the shades but it’s clear that he is to Microsoft what Tim Allen is to Disney. He’s now their dancing monkey, their rebel bitch. He ain't cool. They green-lit his motion control project and it's fucked and now he's desperately whoring himself to the Xbox "mass market". And what did he have to announce? Fuck all. Sweet FA. Kinect has been out for ages. What it needs is a must have game, a killer app. What we got was motion photoshop (NOW WITH FINGER CONTROLS!) and a way to add your favourite items to games. Speaking of games, there weren’t any of note. Unless you count Kinect Sports Resort and the cringiest presentation ever given by grown men. Remember when mean internet people ripped the wii wheel to shreds? That’s nothing compared to looking like a total douche bag playing American Rugby. Either the two performers were really good actors or have that weird medical syndrome whereby they feel no sense of shame or embarrassment whatsoever. In what we’re calling the Konami Syndrome we got the announcement of Halo 4. No doubt it’ll be good but fuck man. Is that it?

Sony’s Presentation.
You know what? We just don’t care. Neither of team TGAM have invested in a sony console or handheld since the PS2. We go beyond disenfranchised. We’re out. We’re done with you. Begone.

Nintendo’s Presentation.
What the fuck is the Wii-U? It’s a Wii with an ipad? Brilliant. Guess I’ll need to buy four of those now. And a Wii-U zapper. And a wii-U wheel and classic controller. Bollocks total bollocks. Also, if you have a wii then hop onto the Nintendo channel and check out the E3 Wii trailers. I know that the front of my trousers are wet at a find the hidden object game, a new Mario Party, a new Mario and Sonic and a squeenix/ninty monopoly game. Seriously. Watch the videos. Looks like that’s it for the wii then. Mothballed. Oh well it was fun whilst it lasted. Meanwhile the 3DS continues to look to the past with all-those-nintendo-games-you-already-own-multiple-times line up. Oh but it’s in 3D so whoop de fuck.

So that’s it for console gaming. It looks like the marketing people finally won E3. It's a lifestyle show. Any game. Any single game that looked interesting might have kept our faith in gaming. Instead we’ve got sequels to sequels, 3DS remakes and a whacky ipad controller that saw Nintendo’s stock rightly drop. Gaming is dead (again). Long live gaming.

1 comment:

Andrew said...

AMEN.