Monday, January 31, 2011

Albert berates the Paed

Most proper gamers would probably not engage with those silly little channels on the Wii menu like Everybody votes or the Mii Contest Channel. We do though and this piece of machinimart is the direct result of such engagements Is the contest channel really a game? Is it machinimart? Or just art? It's neither. This is high art.

WANKY BOLLOCKS. The digital image depicts an angry Albert Wesker standing over a prostrate Paedo Stu. Wesker, a super human cunning soldier and scientist stands over a fallen Stu. Or is Stu enticing Wesker? Either way, Wesker seems to be shouting PlayStation QTEs at him. How will Stu react?

More secret fanfiction for the sight enabled. Part 2. She then popped out here sinewy bosom and they did it in all three positions before everybody came and told each other they loved each other.
MORE NONSENSE This image is from the game Little King's Story and really examines age appropriation and how well games are tested. Is bewbies really a suitable term for seven year olds? Will Worhar ever make its way into the OED or is that just for serious words like Zig-a-zig-ah and ugh LOL?

These images and others by the TGAM Art Collective willn't be on display in the National Gallery of England from the 21st of March to the 14 April in an exhibition called Goddammit Why Do I Have To Take Photos Of The TV On My Shitty Phone.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Unit of the Month: Whore Truck

What's this? A new feature? Yes, we've been looking at our web statistics and the readers of this site have been spending almost two tenths of a second longer on the site than ever before. We thought that if we introduce more features we could push the dwell time up to a whole fucking second. That and Unit of the Month: Whore Truck sounds a lot more compelling than Most Recent Idea From Our Brain, Unit of The Month: Whore Truck. Or does it? Who are we to decide?

Most Recent Idea From Our Brain, Unit of The Month: Whore Truck.
If gaming is to ever be treated seriously, like cancer or X factor then there are certain terms that need to be expunged from the gaming lexicon. One such term is games and another is unit and upgrade, damage, special move and more importantly power-ups. Look at this video, better still, watch it:

Even the little boggle eyed boy sounds cool going on about conquering worlds. What did you do last night? "Well, I upgraded my units so they could do more damage". No, no you didn't. You inched further towards dying a lonely virginal death, the final scene involving the council breaking into your hovel to investigate the smell of your decomposing corpse and going beyond the call of duty and logging you off of WoW so they didn't have to tell your mum the exact state in which they found you.

This month's (January) unit of the month is the whore truck. Specifically the whore trucks from Command and Conquer: Red Alert. Female readers you may have often wondered what it must be like to be a man, perhaps just for one day. Well wonder no more! Here's our two step guide to getting an authentic experience and it doesn't involve listening to pig headed beyonce sing sexist songs about how boys cheat on you with their female cop coworkers.

STEP 1: Masturbate each and every time you think you might be alone for more than five minutes.

STEP 2: Play Command and Conquer Red Alert paying particular attention to your whore trucks.

You see managing the whore trucks in C&C Red Alert (FUN FACT, they're actually called ore trucks but you know us, boys will be boys and turn our phones off and pretend we were sleeping alone) is very much like owning a penis. Unlike a penis, whore trucks are your key unit for gathering resources so you can upgrade your units and do more damage. Much like a penis, a lot of the time they are out there, vulnerable and fragile and any damage to them can put paid to your big plans. Sure, they don't have the same problems with the culturing of bacterial and fungal problems like lady parts but then when was the last time you heard about a woman catching her flaps on a loose nail or in elevator doors? Wonder why some men can't help but constantly grab their junk in public as if to check it's still there? Well it's because dastardly enemies may have sent some tanks and men to secretly destroy it. And dastardly enemies indeed! Up until the Ore Truck Law was approved by the UN in 1997 it was amazingly, perfectly legal to go and kick someone in the balls. Thankfully such underhand tactics are banned under the Geneva Convention as uncricket-like.

Yes. For all your military might a swift, infertilizing and decisive strike on your whore trucks would require the selling off of buildings in order to raise the funds to make some new ones leaving your army uncontrolled as you quickly faff around trying to scrounge up enough money for a whore truck or hopefully two before the enemy commander is in your base tatianering the shit out of all your stuff.

The whore trucks in the Red Alert games were far more penis like than the ones in the umm non Red Alert C&C games because at least the ones in the original looked like they could take a bullet or two. The trucks in Red Alert just looked like regular old combine harvesters. Not only would I start to tear up when an undefended whore truck was under attack because it just isn't on to hit a man in the whore truck but I imagined that the little trucks were driven by farmers. They weren't soldiers. Sure, they looked like soldiers when the driver hops out upon truck destruction but that's only because the army people made them dress up like soldiers for parades and things. They just want to gather up all the ore and fill up the silos like farmers are want to do. Poor little farmer dudes.

So there we have it: whore trucks. Have you checked on yours recently?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

News Void

There's not been a single piece of midly interesting or pertinent gaming news today. It's very sad.

NO! I lie. Someone at Nintendo said something about how using your electronic device uses up the battery.

How do these science guys work this shit out?

Monday, January 24, 2011

Anyone would think Nintendo had already pulled the plug on the Wii and DS

The news networks are full of 3DS spam today, this week, this year . Paucity of information, waist deep in nonsense. Even better are the gazillion reviews that start with "you can't see how brilliant it is without actually seeing it". Still they type on for another couple of thousand words. They still bother with screenshot galleries. We'd be a little less interested if 85% of the 3DS are literally remakes of older games. But 'in 3D'. I missed the caveats in reviews for Ocarina of Time that end with 90% would have been 100 were it just in 3D. The endless boring pointless speculation. Is this the price? Is that too much or too little? Is a thing which isn't out yet sell for an appropriate price? That's cutting edge analysis right there. Yes? No maybe? The real answer is nobody knows yet. Stop asking. Video game 'journalism' really is at its desperate ugly low around a new product launch and as much as we may or may not appreciate the new system I'd much rather here about the games for the one I already have, you know the world's most popular handheld system (with proper games)? Or are we just going to pull the plug on the DS because we all know that the only true measure of success in this industry is raw hardware sales. That's the magic number. Everyone in the world now has our system which means our figures are going to look rubbish so I guess we should release a new system? Or the PSP model of just slightly upgrading a failing system and keep selling it over and over to the same six people (the PSP has a respectable 1:1 ratio of years it has been on the market and games that make the system a must-own for discerning gamers).

Sakura Elbow filth

This is Sakura's Character selection art from SSFIV...

Now Check out that Elbow [Warning: what has been seen, cannot be unseen]...


So in conclusion, if you are aroused by this you are defined as a Cubitophiliac (Note: Lover of elbows)

Love and Dirty elbows,

Richie X

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Great Butterfree/Venomoth debate.

Our whole world is crumbling around us, we have been playing Pokemon for 12 years.

Ugh... We just spotted this today...

Caterpie and Venonat evolve in the following way:

But upon further perusal this should clearly be:

Ok so the distinction in the Caterpie - Metapod - Venomoth evolution line is not overly obvious. But the Venonat to Butterfree similarities are astounding!Observe the Antennae, eyes, mouth, hands, and colouration.

Without giving into the horrible realisation that Nintendo fucked up, and have been lying to us; to stop ourselves swapping their positions in the pokedex, turning off the DS and never returning to pokemon again. There may be a way to explain this, from an Evolutionary stance:

1. Theory One: Venonat is a derived form of Butterfree.

If we can assume that Butterfree has remained Morphologically similar, there is a possibility that the species branched off at an earlier point in which may have found a flightless niche exising as a grounded gnat like creature. However this is somewhat dashed as it's further evolution seems to have re-evolved flight, a very unlikely scenario unless Venonat has larval vestigial wings which do not blossom until its evolution. Re-evolution of flight is somewhat unseen in evolution.

2. Theory Two: Homoplasic Morphology due to Convergent evolution.

There may be other factors that dictate the morphology of Butterfree and Venonat, it's not entirely clear but there may have a been an ecological advantage to the colouration or the compound eyes. Likely preventing them from predation from larger wild pokemon.

3. Theory Three: Mimicry.

Mimicry in larval stages is widely seen throughout the insects, there is a possibility that amongst pokemon that the Butterfree or Venonat morphology is similar to that of the bright yellow and black seen amongst beedrills wasps and staves off predation (NB: possibly the purple colouration which is synonymous with poison types).

4. Theory Four: All the above.

Evolution is not a clear road, there may be many attributes to convergent evolution or indeed evolution from a similar ancestor. All of the above may have been attributing factors in the similarities. Or it could just be a wild coincidence!

Darwin all up in this muthafuka!

Love and poor self justification for Pokemon Black and White,

Richie X

Capcom's Monthly Loony Statement

This is probably true which is why we don't consider ourselves gamers anymore. We're just some outmoded relic who doesn't enjoy the flimsy, unreliable, download four updates every time you log in, this game was actually a better minigame in a proper game and jesus fuck who needs to play games on the bus anyway? type of gamer which is neither casual or hardcore. It's sad really because our pining for proper games equates us to that particular breed of film buff who only watches films with subtitles or films that are in black and white. Don't get us wrong, there's nothing wrong with a bit of [POPULAR MOBILE GAME IN THE GUARDIAN THIS WEEK] or [FACEBOOK GAME #1] but they don't quite provide the same level of fun as a game of Hogs of War or Wii Party nor do they really offer the rich experiences of Resident Evil or Uncharted. Oh well. Let's jump on the bandwagon then shall we? Come on Capcom please do stop making those excellent big releases like Dead Rising 2 and MVC3 and do a game where you have to poke the world's tiniest screen with your finger to make Megaman punch a water melon.

You do that.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Today is EDGE day! (In the interests of appeasing long suffering TGAM WaG/BS we've been asked to make our content more accessible so here goes). EDGE is one of the finest magazines about gaming in our humble opinion. It's the [INSERT ACCEPTABLY RECOGNISED FASHION MAGAZINE NAME] of gaming. It normally takes us a good fortnight to read through all of it, every single word, but on the first EDGE day the ritual is to read the editorial and the first couple of articles (the looking forward article in this month's mag is both excellent and depressing at the same time) then flick through reading Continue/Quit, Website of the month and internet game of the month before absorbing the ever wise words of Steven Poole. The magazine is then closed until a deeper reading sometime later. However, on the flick through earlier our eyes were caught by an ad similar to this one-but not this one, for what looks like yet another fantasy MMO we're not going to play called Rift.

Not even the advertFor blind readers, the advert (not the one above) is a picture of a half naked hotty with some swords facing off against evil skeleton people dressed in black and a zombie crawling out of the ground. There's a forest on the left and a snow covered mountain in the background. The words "We're not in Azeroth anymore" go across the advert and then, somewhat shooting itself in the foot there's some screenshots in the corner showing that the ad artwork is a bit of an embellishment. In the actual game everyone seems to be surrounded with cartoon lightning presumably in homage to the fireworks from Tekken 2 employed to cover up poor contact physics.
First off, in our never ending tirade against how infantile the games industry can be sometimes, I'm writing a post about an advert for your game, Trion Worlds, and I can't find an image of the actual fucking advert. Good job morons. The image above is from a fan site and not even the jedi I was looking for. Lesser internet scum would describe that as an advertising fail. I'm willing to give you some free airtime (albeit to two readers) and now I'm complaining about how you can't even market your product very well.
Secondly, imagining that I had found the proper ad and not the above screenshot from a TV spot, is it a particularly good advert anyway? Most MMO developers wheel out the we're-not-competing-with-wow-rhetoric and the guys behind Rift are to be applauded for being so balls-out but then by emblazoning their ad with the name of the world that umm warcraft happens (Azeroth, keep up WaG/Bs) is surely a bit counter-productive. Any potential new MMO players won't know what the fuck you are talking about and half of the WoWers who see the advert will be pavlovianly drawn back for a couple of hours of WoW at the mere suggestion of Azeroth.
Lastly, quite how a zombie, a necromancer, two ghosts and a scantily clad amazon demonstrate non-wowness is a little beyond us.....

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Cannon Fodder 3

WAR! - never been so much fun!

Go to your brother, Kill him with your gun
Leave him lying in his uniform, Dying in the sun!


Cannon Fodder 3 has been announced from Codemasters!

For PC and 360!

It's been so long!

Incidentally, whilst searching on google image for the iconic poppy image above I stumbled across this gem:
Itsa retro pixelated naked butt chick, in a passionate embrace with a green scaley fish man, in the woods at night, with two dragons rising up between them. Classic.

These kinds of images were iconic of the "demoscene" back in the day, trippy nonsensical music and imagary just as a launch before you ran your likely pirated software. 

Gotta love it.

Love and interspecies midnight forest dragon sexing,

Richie X.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Rise of the Total Tosspot

His profile is here. It's Brian Ashcraft.

Fucking art history graduates churning out shit like the article linked in the blog title.

For shame.

For shame.

Saturday Statistics #1

Wo ho ho ho ha

Tickles: 393

Friday, January 14, 2011

That Guys Google Research

As you know, here at that guys we are committed to brining you the news that you care about the most! And here we have the fruits of our latest research project:

Most of you are aware that if you search for anything on Google Image and scoll down far enough you will find porn. However with the entire cast of Street fighter it seems more prevalent.

So the rules are:

1. Google image will be set to:  Safesearch "Moderate"
2. Search for, [Character name] Street Fighter.
3. Observe the 1st instance of Porn and the page it is on.
4. Use only the 1st 20 pages of Google Image.
[edit]5. Upon researching I noticed and abundance of pics relating to Cammy's butt. These will also be counted.

For those marked at 20+ it means that there was no porn in the first 20 pages however that is not to say it doest exist (thanks to Rule 38)

CharacterSex# of Google image pagesFeaturing Character?Gratuitous Cammy butt picures
C. JackMale5no3
C. ViperFemale20+2
Cycloid βN/A14no4
Cycloid γN/A0no0
D. DarkMale20+6
Dee JayMale5no1
E. HondaMale20+no0
El FuerteMale15yes0
Fei LongMale20+1
M. BisonMale20+2
R. MikaFemale1yes0
T. HawkMale20+1
V. RossoMale101

Top searches:

R. MikaFemale1yes0

So these are the top searches, and frankly all of the male characters can be discounted because none of the picture feature them... 

And these are the main offenders... frankly i would have picked Cammy or Chun-li, but it seems the filthy deviant-art horny fan-artists prefer a bit of the niche street fighter porn, and definitely rubbing one off/in to the Newer cast members.

Street Fighter Thatguys Google Image Porno Challenge Awards!

Most Poronrific:
Rainbow Mika: She does alot with her butt.

Top Male Contender:
Cody: for showing off his Wang.

Wooden spoon Award:
Blanka. For a rather disturbing rendition of a Transexual Blanka With Tits.

Special Mention:
Cammy: for 77 out of 400 Pictures of her own but in her own search (nearly 20%).

In conclusion. I'm gonna bleach my brain, and wonder why i'm slightly aroused next time I play Street fighter.

Love EX plus Alpha 3 turbo 2.

Richie X

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