Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Dragon Ball Z: Raging Blast - Goku Balls Naked Super Street Con IV

Its become a yearly tradition for me now, each Autumn (That's "Fall" for the more verbally inept of you, or "the bit just after summer") I get excited about the next Dragon ball game. Well... Last year not so much, Dragon ball Z: Burst limit (360) was a bit of a let down being less of a direct sequel to Tenkaichi 3 and more of it's own entity.

But this year! Oooh boy Dragon ball Z: Raging Blast is due out.


Currently it is set for a European release on November 10th 2009, but as with all the release dates I'm taking this one with a pinch of salt and I'll say December 11th 2009, and I'll let future Richie take the responsibility and keep you updated on that one.




So what's good about this one?

Well It's more of a direct sequel it features the copious amounts of characters from the previous games though a full list has not been confirmed it has been stated that there will be over 70 characters, each with alternative outfits (Fingers X-ed for Bad-man shirt Vegeta). And they are even throwing in some in some unique characters so far they have announced Super Saiyan 3 Broly (Gibberish to those of you who don't know, but just trust me, its pretty cool). Now for the more astute of you you will notice that 70 characters is actually less than than Tenkaichi 3, but this is because they are not including and of Dragon ball GT (set after Dragon ball Z), though I think I smell DLC on the horizon... At least I hope so, SS4 Gojita (more gibberish, deal) was awesome in Tenkaichi 3. Oh and this one is on the 360 and PS3 so spanky graphics all round.





Expect more on this as I trawl through the messageboards, and i mean trawl!! Seriously all those boards descend in to which character is stronger than the other, "On Topic" means nothing to these guys.

In their words:

Strength arguments >>>>> On topic

Love and Dragonballs

Super Saiyan Richie

The PC Guys are all a bit bitter about Gameswipe

I made this using the excellent PC game Excel
Perhaps it is because they couldn't get it off steam? Or maybe because they had to actually watch TV and they haven't done that for ages.

Rock Paper Shotgun summed the show up pretty well.

Richard Cobbett continues to look like David Mitchell.

But if there is anything the men, who have mostly had marginal success writing for dying magazines and a niche following on the old blogosphere (RICH, SO RICH COMING FROM US), have said that makes sense is that the show felt very cobbled together because it was trying to do justice to the whole of gaming kind in a single show. And for an audience wider than the gamer gamers (see pie chart, the red slice). It could easily be a 420 part series but then who would watch it? Gamers think they know it all. The average TV watcher probably doesn't give a shit.

Then again the same demographic expressing dissapointment at Gameswipe are the same people who regularly bemoan TV for being totally shit. So you can't have it both ways. Although I imagine that in most gamer gamer's minds some success on the idiot box might mean that games get more credibility as a genuine thing and not as some idiotic waste time for people who can't get a boyfriend. Funny that we still crave that stamp of approval from traditional mass media.

Finally the GTS sees sense

At last! Less crazy trades more of this I say!.

And if you don't know what the GTS is you can FUCK OFF.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Watch Tonight!

From the Graudian

Gameswipe With Charlie Brooker 10pm BBC4

Following in the footsteps of Screenwipe, Charlie Brooker's new show- you guessed it- aims its remote at the world of videogames. Whether you're a gamer hater or lover, Gameswipe- part of the Electric Revolution season on BBC4- shows how games can be just as dumb or brilliant as TV and movies. And Charlie certainly knows what he's talking about, having spent his early career causing mayhem at PC Zone. Graham Lineham, Dara O'Brian and Dom Joly are on hand to join in the pixellated fun.

Thoughts on the bit from the Guardian:

1) TV and Movie envy :(
2) Gamer hater or lover? Surely this should be game hater or lover? Who loves gamers?
3) Would have left out the bit about PC Zone, most people think that is a shop where you buy printers.
4) With the exception of Graham Linehan funny men from elsewhere on TV have no place here.
5) Videogame rather than video game? Controversial.
6) Forgot to mention the guys from Videogaiden, which is like writing a blurb for Diana's funeral and focusing on the cunts in the third row at the back and not the silly bitch herself.

Watch it! If it goes well we might see some semi-decent videogame TV shows on the idiot box in the UK.

We got a reply!

This made our year! Graeme Norgate emailed us back! They almost never email us back

Remember that lost post when we emailed LEGEND Graeme Norgate? Well he only friggin emailed back, which to be honest has made us gush like a mucopurulent teenage girl at a Jonas Brothers gig under a waterfall.

Here's what Big G had to say:

Hello,
Thanks for the email, glad to hear you like my stuff...going all the way back to KI too, that is retro :)


the "is that too loud" bit is just me messing around with sounds and for some reason putting them on the gameover screen of Timesplitters 2. I can't quite remember the reasoning behind it now, I think it stems back to when I would listen to vinyl as a kid, and sometimes you'd get a "hidden" message right at the end.

Thanks again
Regards
Graeme

This email gave us lots of useful information about Graeme. Like, if we want to be like Graeme we'll say KI instead of Killer Instinct. Also, we got a fricking emoticon. I'm never gonna wash my email inbox ever again.

So that's the reason behind the little noise and make sure you go to Graeme's excellent site and make sure you hire him because the man knows how to make a kick ass tune to shoot people by.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Breaking Timesplitters 2 Noise

This is breaking news. This news occurs nowehere else on google. It is regarding a weird noise you get when you die playing through Story Mode on Timesplitters 2.

Here's how to access the noise. Start playing through story mode on Timesplitters 2. Die and then the restart/quit screen comes up with a big floaty blue thing in the background with some loud music.

Just put the pad down and listen to the music. It trails off and then you get some scary noises. Then right right right at the end after the scary noises a woman's voice asks "Is that too much?".

In the interest of full disclosure here is the email I have sent to LEGEND Graeme Norgate for info:

Hi Graeme

Huge huge fan! Huge. I became aware of your work through Timesplitters and restrospectively found out you did the music on Killer Instinct too! What a legend. We used to listen to Killer Cuts all the time until the CD wore out.

Anyway fandom aside I was playing through Timesplitters 2 again last week (Siberian Dam if you must know (on hard as well)) and I died. I went away to make myself a cup of tea and when I came back the you died screen was making scary noises and then a woman says "Is that too loud" or maybe "Is that too much?".

I had noticed the scary noises before but never listened to it all the way through to the end. My question is what is that noise and who is the woman?

I'm your biggest fan CZY1 1


Until Big G emails back, you can try to find the noise yourself!

Restoring the Capcom to the blog.

totally told you she had a buttless dressSome sad Capcom fanboys are looking for suggestions for the next Capcom vs XXXX title. In order to restore some Capcomness to this blog here are our top 5 suggestions:

1) Capcom vs the pool of baby lotion
2) The real Capcom vs the Capcom characters from fan fictions.
3) Capcom vs the giant purple cheese with a vagina in RE2
4) Capcom vs Blazing Squad
5) Capcom vs Kayne West LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Also, here's a hint to all the asswipes leaving comments on the Capcom Unity blog, if you make a suggestion and have to put (funny) after it it probably isn't funny (bitterness).

Image of Tree Spirit Sakuya from Okami confirming that she does indeed have a Buttless dress from this dirty perve clacier over at Deviant Art.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Some stuff on Pokemon

This took me ages
Richie is totally away at the moment which means that the thin veil of quality control we pretend we have here at TGAM is now completely gone. However, problems with quality control and staying 'on message' have been with us for months. Despite being called That Guy's A Maniac we haven't posted anything about Resident Evil ever since that Sheva Nude cheat. We should rename ourselves in order to better reflect the content. An obscure eleven year old game quote just won't cut it anymore. In fact I copied all the text from the last month of TGAM and auto-summarized it in word over and over until it pared down to something that looks like a blog title.

This is the result: Time Crisis (GunCon)Time Crisis 3 How much gaming does he do? posted by Cunzy11 at 3:00 PM 3 comments TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever: Number 41 Unlike all the other Resident Evil games on this list, this game is new. 42: Wii Play Tanks! In other gaming news: Types. Training. 1. No Legendary Pokémon. 2. No Cheaty Pokémon. * New main game quests GAME. 3)Alternatively do a quick draw game.

TGAM is dead!

Long live Time Crisis (GunCon)Time Crisis 3 How much gaming does he do? posted by Cunzy11 at 3:00 PM 3 comments TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever: Number 41 Unlike all the other Resident Evil games on this list, this game is new. 42: Wii Play Tanks! In other gaming news: Types. Training. 1. No Legendary Pokémon. 2. No Cheaty Pokémon. * New main game quests GAME. 3)Alternatively do a quick draw game.
Expect T-shirts to hit the stores soon!

In other news: There's a new Pokemon clone in town and it is called Bakumon or something and here is why is it highly unlikely to be a Pokemon beater. There are scores of Pokemon clones out there Fossil Fighters, Dino King, Invisimles to mention but a few of the recent offerings. They always get tipped for success but they never do what they promise or what people hype them to do. Aside from being late to the table they never replicate the success of Pokemon because:
  • They take the idea of catch 'em and then fight 'em but fail to expand the universe or ideas beyond this. For example, in Dino King there is literally nothing to do outside of progressing the central story. The same is true of Fossil league and Dino Master. Pokemon Diamond and Pearl are still challenging after 500+ hours because there are thousands of gameplay elements that underlie the central game and most of them are very very deep or complex.
  • The variation in Pokemon is infinite. 491 of the blighters to choose between in the first instance, most of which can be male or female, each one will have one of 25 natures, options from a pool of tens of different moves to fill the four move slots, Individual values, effort values, choice out of hundreds of hold items etc. etc. By contrast the clones tend to have very limited or poorly understood mechanisms for creating variation which reduces the replayability value and prevents the build up of a dedicated community who want to master the game.
  • Although anime series come with these franchises almost as standard it is clear that either the series or the game has been tacked on afterward and continuity isn't very well preserved between formats. Although there was a gap between the launch of the Pokemon games and anime in different territories none of the contenders to the throne seem to be as well integrated from the start with elements appearing in both formats.
  • The levelling system is very very tight and balanced in Pokemon and after all it's been under development for at least 13 years. In fact even when this system is wholesale lifted out of one genre and put into another as with the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon games it still works. From experience of some of the clones it never seems to quite be as balanced or challenging.
  • Pokemon, the original 150 at least, are mostly inspired by naturally occurring entities including animals, plants, rocks, martial arts(?) and mythical creatures. Some of the contenders lampoon the lampoon and by being that little bit further removed from a strong central idea takes away a great deal from the flavour. Monsters based on caterpillars, rhinos and the fossil genus Anomalocaris are much more universally appealing than japanese robots, various kinds of dragons and all that Yu-gi-oh shit.
  • The cross generation trading of Pokemon keeps the older games alive. I still do some training on the 2003 games before I migrate them to the GC, DS and Wii games. Note that many of these clones are often one shots that appear at the peak of the franchise popularity and then quickly fade away. The phenomenal sales of Pokemon Heart Gold and Soul Silver, essentially a remake of a ten year old game is testament to the longevity of the appeal from the veteran audience as well as attracting new audiences.
  • Thanks to the fastidious online Pokemon community almost all of the secrets and mechanics of the games have been revealed. Studying this information before training up your Pokemon almost works well as a meta game in it's own right. Other franchises clearly just don't have this resource and most players are too lazy or busy to try to work it all out for themselves.

In short, it is not good enough to release a shallow catch the monsters-train the monsters-fight the monsters game, an accompanying anime and maybe a TCG then just sit back and expect the profits to come rolling in. Pokemon is very good game in its own right and makers of these clones need to study more than just the box art in order to get it all right.

Video Games Finally Harnessed for the Power of Good

Celebrity ScientistA new video game created by celebrity scientist Baroness Susan Greenfield is set to finally harness the power of video games to make children do 'good things' rather than 'bad things'.

Ever since 1996, children have been playing video games to kill zombies, pilot futuristic spacecraft and connect gems of the same colour in a line to make them disappear. "And what we've seen is that children go out into the real world and do these things" Greenfield explains. "Scientists reckon that video games are more powerful than influences from parents, peers and even television".

"So rather than control them to manage a house of people as in the Sims or identify Pokemon footprints as in Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Explorers of Time, we've harnessed that power so that children will do better in life by playing this game".

The new game called The best you could probably do given your socio-economic background will launch ready for the Christmas period on every platform except the PS3. It is a rather unique game in that players choose their character and then the character will automatically run around stabbing people, eating junk food and getting teen pregnant. Players have to hold down buttons to stop them from doing bad things that we see every day on the streets in the United Kingdom.

In the hands on session we had with the game it seemed to be very promising indeed. The level we played was set in an inner city playground populated by families and drug dealers enjoying a Sunday afternoon. Following the opening cutscene the player immediately went to pick up some broken glass to put in the sandpit. By holding down Y, the character instead collected the glass and put it in the recycling bin. In a later section, holding down both buffers stops our character from having unprotected sex with a minor behind the Oxfam bins. One of the most memorable scenes on the game is a rhythym action action game which decides the fate of your characters money. Miss the cues and you see your character heading towards Costcutter to buy some Diamond White. Perfect the timing an he insteads posts it as child support money to one of the mothers of one of his children.

Before we left Greenfield confided in us "For far too long video games programmed by know nothings have been controlling people to do bad things. This is my video game and I've written like four books so it must be betterer".

The best you could probably do given your socio-economic background comes out in December this year and could well fix all the problems we have in this country. Certainly one to watch.

Friday, September 18, 2009

That Sodding Lovikov Ball Noise!

AAaaaaaah
I'm deadly serious. I can hear it all the time at work? I'm gonna leave it for two weeks and if I still have it then I'll start googling the symptoms, which I may have to paraphrase as I doubt "Constantly hears the sound from No More Heroes when you are near a Lovikov Ball" will get many hits.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

That Last Post Was Way Too Bitter

Plus I'm getting paid by the Kabutops. So here's a fun game for you. It's called Spot the odd one out*

Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops Kabutops

*It's not the one you think.

P.S. Does anyone else keep hearing the little noise you hear when you are near a Lovikov Ball noise all the time? I do. It's distracting.

The top ten of Iphone games/apps

Yes. I'm capitalizing Iphone and I'm spelling capitalizing like a yank. It's going to be one of those posts. But we mustn't shun the new platforms when they come out we should welcome them with open arms to join the fold. Recently, Steven Gates (is he the apple man? It really doesn't matter) tried to prove that the Iphone was the shit because it had more games than the DS and the PSP.
By that reckoning the PC is then the best gaming device! Didn't think about that Gates did you, you lemon.
Anyway, much like the Nintendo DS, the Iphone does have a whole load of steaming shit available for it with the occasional warm gem hidden in the pat. Nobody is going to suggest that any of them are all time greats but here's a summary of the best presented in the tried and tested Top 10 tradition:
Top Ten Original Iphone Games.
There isn't a single original Iphone game. Every Iphone game is either a port, a clone or in the worst cases an adaptation of a mini game from another game proper. This is fact.
Top Ten Iphone Apps.
Apps sounds stupid. Then again so does Iphone. Iphone with a capital 'I' also looks stupid. Finding the top ten was difficult. In fact I couldn't find more than one. I may have made the top one up also. Here it is, it's called Icunt simulator 2013 and it is an app that turns your Iphone into a sign that says "I'm a massive cunt" every time you use the Iphone inappropriately. These instances include, but are not restricted to: showing people holiday photos in a pub or club, using twitter, messing around with trying to find that restaurant you were looking for for so long that phoning the restaurant for directions or asking somebody walking past or in fact just wandering around until you found it anyway would have been quicker, doing anything other than phoning somebody else. In all of these instances the Iphone would only display the aforementioned sign until it was put back into a pocket. If it is put into a special Iphone holder it continues to display the sign until the batteries run out.
Top Ten Iphone Games.
That Loco Roco clone, the Crash Bandicoot clone, the Mario Kart one, the bejewelled one, the one that is like that better version on the DS, that game that just displays the rude sign, the tower defense one, that one like that PlayStation block game that begins with a K, Kurushi!, is that ten yet? I can't even bring myself to count.
Overall score Because there is always a score. A-haven't-we-played-all-these-games-before-but-in-their-much-better-and-expanded-versions-buying-a-paint-tester-isn't-the-same-as-painting-the-house- 5/10. 3 of those points are for the fictional app game I made up/stole from a stand up comedian?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

London Fashion Week vs E3

You would be forgiven for thinking this whole post was written so I could use this image. I assure you that it really really wasn't the case.
This is the first post in one of our signature 'series' that never had more than one post in it. You can find all the others (there aren't any and there never will be) under the tag of "Us vs them".

This Friday London Fashion Week um, it, well it comes to London? Although it doesn't really go anywhere else. London Fashion week will get miles and miles of column inches over the next couple of weeks from articles in those wanky glossy fashion magazines that look like future porn through to the columns written by plump middle class Bridget Jones wannabes who write for the Guardian.

Fashion is an okay thing for people to be interested in. Gaming not so much. Its fine to waste money on shoes, clothes and bags. Not fine to waste money on games. In an not so scholarly analysis we'll have a look to see why one interest is perceived as socially acceptable and the other as socially abhorrent by comparing two of the biggest events in each camps calendar. It's London Fashion Week vs. E3.

Where? LFW is all around London. Real people only really know where it is by the sudden appearance of garish marquees outside famous places. E3 is in Las Vegas which is in the state of California in the country of Florida.

Who? LFW Camp men and anyone remotely famous with/for a vagina. E3 Geeks and strippers.

What? LFW A chance for the world's top designers to show off new clothes whilst celebrities look at them. E3 A chance for the world's leading game developers to show their latest sequels off and to do some major dick swinging in the name of PR.

Why? LFW Nobody really knows why it happens or what exactly it is for. The clothes never make it to the high street because they are all totally unwearable. E3 Because for a few precious days all the worlds gaming blogs manage to keep concentration just long enough to cover the event.

Dress code LFW Anything that you wouldn't be able to walk around in broad daylight on the streets of London in without getting stabbed to death for being a homo. E3 Elf ears or magic the gathering T-shirts.

Guest List LFW Dita Von Teese, racist thug former super models, that woman on the TV who is the fit version of that other one who used to do T4, probably Madonna. E3 That guy who once hosted Saturday Night Live, one of the Brians from Kotaku and the fat cop from Heroes.

Highlights LFW Ugly skinny people dressing up like 80s tramps and walking down a runway and then walking back. E3 Microsoft, Sony and Nintendo blatantly lying about things, being recorded lying by over 40,000 different sources and getting away with it all anyway.

Behind the scenes LFW Skinny bohemians who dropped out of textile and design courses at university but who really really want to work in big fashion who are also good at sourcing the best coke. E3 Freelance geeks paid for by publishers who really really want to break into the game industry despite having no useful skills aside from have played a shit load of WoW and booth babes.

Real world impact LFW Literally none unless someone falls over then you'll see it years later in blooper shows. E3 For a couple of weeks the tiny percentage of people who play games and hang out on the web, a tiny subset of actual people who play games, get a bit excited.

Mass media coverageLFW Everyone will pitch in. It'll be all over the newspapers, LFW supplements in magazines, discussed in various TV culture shows and endless photographs of who is wearing what and who went to see which show. E3 Zero mass media coverage. A torrent of half truths, booth babe pictures rumours and lies will dominate the gaming blogosphere. If you are really lucky you'll find a live stream of the big talks on some obscure Finnish site you have to register for.

So that's that. And in true gamer style, in the only way we can express emotions to each other, the only way we can communicate complex ideas as enjoyers of digital entertainment here's the scores. LFW gets a passable 6.8/10, E3 gets a Ubisoft 2/10.

You've been wasting your time and we've been TGAM.

Czy1 1 XOXO

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

TGAM The Epic That Guy's Pokémon Clash 2009. The Results

Seriously all fucking dragon types it's like using RobofishEver since we announced it we've had genuine emails requesting updates. So without further ado, here is how it went down. In true sporting fashion the fight went down at 11am in the morning and neither combatant had showered yet:

Richie: The short version is that I won, Dragonite trounced the first few Pokemon after Dragon Dancing, followed by Garchomp and Gyrados, I threw Salamence in there at one point as a sacrifice just to show off my Dragon collection. Annoyingly Dunsparce never made an appearance in the main match.

Cunzy1 1: The slightly longer version goes like this. Richie lead with Dragonite and I lead with Crobat. Richie had Ev'd most of his guys in speed which, I will admit came as a total surprise to me, so it is a testament to both Crobat and Aerodactyl that they even got a hit in. Crobat opened the battle with a super fast confuse ray which was negated by Dragonite's Lum Berry which although was annoying it would be useful for when Dragonite got confused from no doubt using outrage. Dragonite then powered up with Dragon Dance and took out Crobat, Charizard and Swampert with Outrage annoyingly ignoring confusion from Outrage three turns in a row! Dragonite eventually went down to Aerodactyl. Salamence was switched in and in a form Salamence was to keep throughout the day did nothing and was quickly taken down with a Rockslide or two. Then Aerodactyl went down to Garchomp. I was then forced to bring out Bastiodon who I had no real confidence in. Fortunately, he managed to actually be not too bad with Metal Burst and eventually took out Garchomp. A then badly injured Bastiodon went down to Gyarados. Kabutops swapping in animation probably took longer than his actual stint on the field, swiftly disappearing to Gyarados. Fortunately I was spared Dunsparce and Flygon although it might have played out differently had Richie attempted to go for the humiliation kill at the last minute. The final result was 6 Pokemon to Richie and 3 Pokemon to me which is okay considering........

Post Match Thoughts
Cunzy1 1: I wasn't at all dismayed. I was disappointed. Disappointed by Richie. When we decided on the rules for the match it turns out that I had then gone about training a bunch of Pokemon that might make it a bit interesting It turns out that Richie had gone and chosen the top non legendary Pokemon for the easy win. He did bad. For those of you who can't make heads or tails of Pokemon it is like choosing to play as Brazil against England in FIFA. Sure, you can do it but it is a bit cockish. He knows it too because shortly after the match he received a text message from a friend asking whether or not I was bothered about the "Dragon thing". Having a back up Dunsparce was a way of easing Richie's conscience. Fortunately, I fared better in the mixed and double battles otherwise I would be so frickin bitter right now. Instead I'm just regular ol bitter.

Richie: We played around with mixed matches, double battles which I was not so good at. Though on one of the Mixed battles (where you can take one of your opponents Pokemon onto your team) I managed to show the fearsome power that is Dunsparce, by completely shutting down my own Gyrados, taken by Cunzy. All in all I'm happy to have my dragon team levelled up, they are amongst one of the hardest to train up. Next time* I think I will try and get Kingdra in there as my Sp.Att coverage was lacking a bit. Other than that hats off to Cunzy for his team, I never expected them (Thanks for nothing Rob_is_Gay), I am now genuinely afraid of Swamperts.


*oh yes, I said "next time"!

Love and Hugs,

(Winner) Richie and (Bitter) Cunzy

Monday, September 14, 2009

That Guy’s an Agony Aunt

Today we are tacking a few questions from the games industry and its state of play (sic):

Dear Thatguys,

Everybody loves me, they all want to be like/with me. I am great, my games are great. I am a modern day Da Vinci of the games industry, My cock is so massive, marvel upon the cock of me, gaze upon its stature, admire it’s spectacle, erect a statue in it’s honour…. [Edit it goes on like this for 17 A4 sheets, front and back.]

Your Saviour,
Molyneux


Well Molyneux, not so much. All of your games suffer from mediocrity, but you don’t seem to get it. Every time you announce a game you over-hype them to the point of vomiting, in the hope that the next generation of players will buy into your elaborate Molyneux-cult like fantasy™. I could go into much more detail about the shoddy implementation of (Heads-up, compliment incoming) what is quit unique and interesting artwork. In a shallow unfriendly shell of a game (RE: Fable 2), but I wont. Because then it becomes constructive criticism, and I can’t condone what you, do to the industry, instead I shall request you stop.

P.S. Thanks for the pics, but I would say that the cock was average, though the shaving your pubes to look like dungeon keeper was just creepy, oh and was that Stephen Fry’s autograph on it?

New, innovative, never-thought-of-before, Love,
Thatguys




Dear Thatguys,

What happened?

Confused,
SEGA


You sold out, you tried too hard to be like Nintendo, your characters are one-dimensional, and you have squeezed the life out of them, the Dreamcast wasn’t that good, you have bought some crappy licences, Bayonetta is doomed to fall into the over-hyped category, finally what you have done to Sonic can never be forgiven. That is all.

Love,
ThatGuys



Dear Thatguys,

Recently we put an avatar of Kurt Cobain into a certain music game cash cow of ours, but now a lot of people are really angry, including his widow, and his former band mates. We really didn’t mean to cause any offence by this, we put a lot of love, effort and attention into recreating him. Along with this we have Johnny Cash who died much sooner, plus in a previous version of our game we had Jimi Hendrix, who admittedly had been dead longer, but there has been nowhere near as much outcry and dismay. The main thing people are complaining about is that Mr Cobain can be used as a playable character and can be lead vocalist/guitarist on other tracks in the game. Now Ms Love and the former band mates are refuting the sign-off for the image likeness and are requesting that he be “re-locked” to specific Nirvana tracks.

Yours Flying-saucers-floating-towards-you-ly
Blizzivision.


Well Blizzivision, what has happened here, is that you have trampled on the mythos surrounding a previously utilised commercial cash-cow. Post-mortem there was a huge influx of Kurt memorabilia, depicting him as a tragic artist, elevating him to somewhat of a martyr for his music. Since much of his music appealed to the angst-ridden grunge generation/alternatives, and now the emos, they have elevated him to a modern day saint. Both Mr Hendrix and Mr Cash have followers, but these followers, though no less devout, are of a different mindset.
Personally I think you should do nothing, as it would be up to the players personal preference if they wish to use him or not, as despite certain people treating him as a deity, some people may just like him (i.e. his likeness) as a character. Plus, as I’m sure your marketing department is well aware, as controversial as it may be, there is no such thing as bad press…

Love (not Courtney),
ThatGuys.


That’s it for today’s clinic Keep those letters coming… Together we can make the industry a better place to live.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Penny Arcade WTF

Apologies if this is not new news to everyone, but I just saw the creators of of Penny arcade, i.e. Gabe and Tycho.


This reminds me how horrible IRL can be in the games industry, nobody wants to see that.

As such this will be my farewell salute to Penny Arcade. It was fun while it lasted*, but it is now time for us to part ways


*i.e. keep you open in one if the firefox tabs, and read you when the boss is not looking.

Dismayed,

Richie X.

Monday, September 07, 2009

The Feed Reader

This post is one of those 'interesting' insights into our lives posts. Ignore it if you are just looking for that Sheva nude cheat or for more of our ultimate top 50 greatest games of all time posts. It ain't here.

Recently we went on holiday for a bit. This meant that there were thousands of bits and pieces of stuff to read on our feed reader. There's no way to read it all now. We're way too busy so here's a little insight to how we rationalised it:

Deleted everything from the Escapist. The only reason the Escapist is on there at all is for Zero Punctuation. And that comes out every Wednesday. And we know that. Should really get round to unsubscribing.

Deleted everything from Capcom Entertainment. Which was a total of 1 post. Why do official developers and publishers websites suck balls so hard?

Deleted Omastar Twitter feeds. Self explanatory really. Although, Omastar currently has 200 more followers than TGAM does :(

Deleted everything from Penny Arcade. It stopped being 'a must read' about two years ago. And that's just the comics.

Scrolled through everything from Kotaku in a minute. The skill is spotting the bits in between the bitslag ('opinion' posts, non news, press releases, otaku soft porn, anything that the mail order wife man says, anything anyone called Brian says, anything that was copied from another good website, all of those Kotaku community shits posts etc. etc.). It turns out there was one article worth reading. And that was only for the pretty pictures.

Read all three posts from UK:R. But to be honest it's just not etc. etc.

Read the title and author of the Terra Nova post. One day there will be something read-worthy that doesn't read like your Dad* wrote it.

Deleted everything from EDGE magazine. Because what isn't in the magazine is of significantly worse quality.

Spent a moment wondering why Richard Cobbett, Amber Night, Dr Hamhock, Beppin Legacy, Field Marshall Bennett, James by Pentadact or Nondrone P. Carrikter don't update as much as I want them to. Came up with an equation for the relationship between quality of writing and frequency of posting. It is an inverse relationship if anyone had any doubts.

Skimmed Dinosaur Comics. Ryan North still has not apologised for etc.* etc.

Read the Sunday paperses from Rock Paper Shotgun. Frankly, the rest is filler.

Caught up with Richie's Xbox blog. Which is like gamer spying, hexic HD Richie?

Caught up with my own Xbox blog. Just in case someone uses my profile*. Which they didn't.

Deleted everything from Videolamer. Because I write the only decent stuff anyway.

Read everything from QBlog. Which is by far the most interesting blog out of the whole lot, excluding Harvind1 blog and this one. The consistency of entertainment and frequency of posts is astonishingly high. I may start to stalk Bartle in the hope of some his skillz rubbing off on me.

Wow, you must think. How does he find the time to grace TGAM with posts in his hectic, jam packed Rock 'n' Roll lifestyle. I do it for you all out of love*








*I would say your Mum but she has her mouth full at the moment.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Sorry. DSi only!

The first DSi only games were announced last week.

I just don't understand why they would do that.

Why so quickly? Why wait until half the world have a DS or DSlite, then bring out the DSi then bring out DSi only games. Wouldn't now be the time to be bringing out the DS games now that everyone can get in on the action?

Realistically, it is probably something to do with the DS having an average attach rate of 3 games. Which means anyone wanting to accrue a collection or play through all the decent/semi decent DS games gets fucked with a stylus but the average punter gets to keep that shit-eating grin on their face.

Everybody sing it with me! [In eastern European propaganda stylee]

R4 cartridge!
R4 cartridge!
Giving the consumer a genuine chance at experiencing!
This wonderful culture!
They killed R4!
They killed R4!
Now the only option is to buy Kirby: Canvas Curse on Ebay!
For a hundred bucks!
R4 cartridge!
R4 cartridge!
Giving consumers the dream!
The only way to play them all!
Before they are discontinued!
And we get some shit that involves the camera!
Because the microphone was so well used before!
Like in Nintendogs and ummm that other game!
So get an R4 catridge today!

Team: 1 1

It was rigged from the start
When we signed up to finally battle each other it was with some trepidation. It was of course the natural destination for both of us playing these games side by side for so many years. I guess it takes you that long to get familiar with the game but it's only now that it seems right to battle against each other. God knows how it is going to pan out but little did Richie know that I started battling him before we were even in the same country!

Psychological warfare. It is my strength in life and multiplayer games. I'm rarely the best at any game but I can get a slight edge with a bit of psychological battering. In this instance I had a head start. Months before we were due to meet up I had been hounding Richie in a dirty war. Underhand tactics to be sure. One aspect of all successful games that I despise and hate is the 'community'. Any community tends to charge themselves with sucking all the fun out of the game. Super Smash Brothers community is one such who artifact a tier list written by pro players. In reality there isn't a single pro Super Smash Brothers player but it helps to create some sense of authority amongst the morons. And knowledge is always second hand from my "Pro friend" or my friend at school knows a "Pro". In either case I don't think they mean prostitute sadly. The Pokemon community is exactly the same. Just look at this nauseating list of nauseating lexiconography from the nauseating Bulbapedia. If I ever find myself using those terms in real life please bludgeon me to death with the corner of a NES pad please ugh. Anyway in the preamble to the battle I was forwarding links to Richie taken from Bulbapedia and Pokemon forums in order to shake his confidence in his constructed team. I was also dropping misleading hints, half truths, white lies and cunningly masked red herrings about which Pokemon I was going to use. Alternatively, I would announce that I was looking for a certain item in the game leading Richie to believe I was using it for "the team". I also got Rob_is_Gay to do some double agent work sending Richie an apparent 'inside information' email.

That's the pre battle warfare out of the way here's the squad from which the team was chosen. Levelling Pokemon up to level 100 is an extraordinary pain in the ass and because I have a life I didn't have hours and hours to invest in a whole new team so there was a large element of working with some of the tools I already had at level 100.

The Squad that never made it

Kyogre, Rayquaza and Mewtwo Legendaries were out in the rules we agreed we would stick to, which means that these guys would have to be sidelined. Legendary Pokemon have stats way way above what the non legendary Pokemon have, so this ruling was a fair way of making it into a contest rather than a baust-fest.

Raichu I have no idea where I got this level 100 Raichu from. Totally not EV'd. And rubbish stats.

Alakazam Again, where/when did I get this? No idea. Rubbish stats. Also, I predict Richie will be using a bunch of dark types making Alakazam totally useless.

Ditto Is actually still on Pokemon Colosseum. And there he/she will stay!

Omastar Star of Omastar Comics. Poorly trained and with the crap swift swim ability. Sorry Omastar.

Armaldo, Cradilly, Relicanth These were all possibles but I anticipated that Richie would be anticipating a team of all fossil Pokemon so I switched these out.

Wigglytuff I levelled a Wigglytuff because I am a fan of Jigglypuff from SSB. Unfortunately, under no circumstances is it to be used in EPIC battles.


The Final Six
Hmm this team looks underwhelming
Crobat Scratch that. A SHINY Crobat. Caught on Fire Red, transferred to Sapphire and then migrated to Diamon. Crobat is an annoyer with U-turn, Poison Fang, Air Slash and Confuse Ray. He is nippy too.

Aerodactyl Semi-cheating with Aerodactyl as it's overall stats get quite high with the right training. Aerodactyl is basically a speedy destroyer with Rock Slide, Fly, Crunch and Giga Impact. He holds a choice band.

Kabutops Kabutops is a bit of a wild card (read weak link) no particular strength other than a diverse set of moves and some high att stats. Wring out, Night Slash, Aqua Jet and Mega Drain.

Bastiodon Despite all the agonising, Bastiodon is one of the only Pokemon I specifically started training for this fight to make it to level 100 without me losing heart or abandoning it half way. Astronomical defense and special defense with a Metal Burst, Iron Defense, Thunderbolt and Protect moveset.

Charizard My Fire Red starter. Nowhere near as good as my original Charizard of the Yellow/Silver age but after some stat crunching on spreadsheets he is above average. He's got Blast Burn, Slash, Dragon Claw and Fly.

Swampert My Sapphire starter. Similar to Charizard, the starters stats are generally quite good so he ended up on the team despite only having one move at level 100 (the others had to be removed to be transferred to Diamond). The final moveset is Earthquake, Ice Beam, Hammer Arm and Surf.

The Plan

and I predict that Richie has tons of annoyers and annoying combos. Unfortunately, in the dirty war before hand we mislead each other so much that I had no idea who he would be fielding in the final fight. Richie loves attacking so probably plumped for some Pokemon that are naturally well defended so a smattering of steel types maybe Metagross and Bronzong in which case SwampertCharizard may come in useful. I have a hunch he has some dark and psychic Pokemon but there's adequate type coverage to deal with these. He might have a sandstorm team with Tyrannitar, Flygon and Cacturne but half my team will reap the benefits of a sandstorm too. I plan to lead with Crobat who can do some annoying or switch out so I have a chance to get the type advantage straight away. Richie has expressed no interest in speed so hopefully Charizard, Aerodactyl and Crobat get in first. Swampert also has a quick claw just in case. Bastiodon may well prove to be not very useful but I doubt Richie has predicted I have it and metal burst might save the day.

So the plan is simple. Start of with Crobat and then go from there. I've got most of the bases covered with a diverse moveset. Aerodactyl for some big damage, Charizard and Swampert for a bit of crowd control. Bastiodon for heavy hitters and damage sponges. And Kabutops. At the last minute I noticed that I've got three flyers which may be a bit of a weak spot for me.

Wish me luck

Cunzy1 1 x x x x