Thursday, July 30, 2009

Because some things are worth re-posting


Taken from the folks over at Kotaku who we like to abuse, and also from our rival Thatgirls, who we are green with envy about getting onto Kotaku yet again.

But on the upside a while back we did kill Day/Night note. You can thank us later.

Enjoy the pic. We did. fourteen times and counting.


Pika-ah-ah-ah-ah-chooooooooooooooooo

Richie X

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Abuse on Xbox Live

Call me Daddy Milo

Dear TGAM....

This is yet another first in a 'probably not going to get past two series of posts' series here at TGAM. It seems that a lot of people stumble upon TGAM by typing filthy questions into search engines. They then stay for an average of 00:00 to 00:01 seconds before going elsewhere, questions unanswered. It seems that nobody has heard of GAMEfaqs, fucking idiots. Well we're here to help you. An agony aunt for the depraved youth of today who don't know how to do searches properly.

So this will be a weekly surgery to answer those burning questions that many of you think we can't answer here at TGAM:




1)Every week about a thousand people look for Sheva Nude, Sheva's panties, nude, nude code, nude mods, naked, nude patch, naked cheat, Sheva's ass and combinations of all of the above. The full cheat is here but you're better off just creaming off a hot one over at deviant art.

2)List of dinosaur games. You can cobble together most of them by visiting here. But here's an abriged list of games that feature dinosaurs and other prehistoric creatures in games. There are more but you'll have to find them yoursel'. 101 dino pets, Animal Crossing, Animal Crossing Wild World, Animal Crossing Let's Go to the City, Ape Escape, Batman Lego, BUZZ! JUNIOR DINO DEN, Carnivores, Carnivores 2, Carnivore Ice Age, Carnivores Cityscape, Clever Kids Dino Land, Combat of giants: Dinosaurs, Dino Hunter, Dino King, Dino Land, Dinotopia: The Sunstone Odyssey, Dino Master, Dino Stalker, Dinosaur park, Disney's Dinosaur x 3, DoA 4, Dinosaur World, Dorito's Dash to Destruction, Endless Ocean, Evil Dead Fistful of Boomstick, Fossil Fighter, Fossil League Dino Tournament Championship, GTA IV, Ice Age, Ice Age 2, Jet Pack Brontosaurus, Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park III DNA Factor, Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis, Jurassic Park Trespasser, Jurassic Park Dino Defender, Jurassic Realm, The Land Before Time: Into The Mysterious Beyond, Lost World: Jurassic Park, Off World Velociraptor Safari, Paraworld, Peter Jackson's King Kong the Official Game Of The Movie, Pokemon (various), Sea Monsters A prehistoric Adventure, Siphon Filter, Small Arms, Splashdown 2, Stranglehold, Super Smash Brothers Brawl, Syberia, Syberia II, Tekken 2, Tekken 5, Tekken Tag Tournament, Tomb Raider 3, Tomb Raider 10th Anniversary Edition, Turok: Dinosaur Hunter, Turok Evolution, Turok (Xbox 360), Turok Rage Wars, Turok 2 Seeds of Evil, Top Trumps Dogs 'n' Dinosaurs, Warcraft III, War of the monsters, Warpath Jurassic Park, and Zoo Tycoon: Dinosaur digs.

3) CG Boobs.

4) Jill Valentine's Diseased Vagina: Image here

5) Coco Bandicoot porn comics. Seriously? Fucking furries. Okay here it is.

6) Dead Fantasy. FFS you stupid idiots. The guy's name is Monty Oum and the best place to find Dead Fantasy the guy or Dead Fantasy Full Versions is over on Monty's page on Game Trailers.

7) Dead Rising Where do you find the Wrestling Boots when you unlock them. They are under the staircase you first come down when you get off the chopper.

8) Does wearing beanies/hats make nits rare? No. Plus it makes you a cunt.

9) Forms of Rotom. You want here then.

10) How do you get masks on heads on zombies on dead rising wii. You have to shoot them in the knee so that they get into the coruched prone position then you'll be prompted to put cone/bucket/mask on them. Annoyingly, the further you get in the game upgrading your weapons means it's nigh impossible to do later on because even the pistol blows their legs clen off.

11) Film of 2 birds wanking guy. Congratulations, you failed to find porn on the internet. I think your problem is you are being way to colloquial and specific.

12) How to kill and dispose. Well the methods of killing are varied and scenario/environment related. Disposing of the body is harder. Don't just ditch it in a river because they always get found. Our favourite way of disposing of a body is to cover it in gloves and umbrellas and hey presto! Within a week you will have lost the body, gloves and umbrella.

13) How to command sheva on resident evil 5. She being a bit unruly? Well first of all you can read the fucking book and find out. Secondly, you need to use the d-pad for various commands, check with which button you need for Xbox 360/PS3 versions.

14) ibrate sex. Filth.

15) Modes of joining culture emo. Be middle class, wear black, whinge about things, listen to crap suicidal music, threaten to kill yourself but never do it, wear a lot of white make up, get some piercings, watch Donny Darko, type "emo forum" into web browser.

16) net yaroze zombie maze. You mean Ed Fedemeyer's Haunted Maze. It is the best game ever.

17) real life animal crossing tarantula attack. I was attacked by the animal crossing tarantula and the scorpion in real life many many times. They automatically attack you if you get too close with the net. Try finding them and getting the net out when you are far away. They should then walk slowly towards you and you can catch them before they get ya.

18) Resident evil rape. Nasty piece of work, but since you asked so nicely.

19) Who is the Ram Raider. Yeah, like it would be that easy. Here's a clue, who isn't the Ram Raider?

20) Soul calibur cum drawings. For drawings of characters cumming see here.. For drawings of characters where cum is used as a medium, see here.

Well sadly, that is all we've got time for now. We could spend all day doing this the stupidity and depravity of people seems to know no end. Apologies for all those people looking for Ayane, Jill, Sheva, Dante and Trish upskirts. We're saving that link for next week. There seems to be a healthy Wolverine nude community too but we are saving those for an all gay update at some point . Also, sorry we couldn't help all those people struggling on Agatha Christie's and then there were none (the universal embrocation is by the bee hives on the floor).

Monday, July 27, 2009

Never go full retard.

Humorless Cunts
Here's a little insight into the world of video games journalism. We've all thought about doing it but no journo with integrity would ever go through with it. Hell, we flew pretty close to the wind one time but we pulled out at the last minute.

However, Owen Good at Kotaku has broken one of the golden rules of games journalism. It's so meta we just don't even know where to look or to start reading it from.

Yes. Kotaku has lowered the community IQ by several hundred points by doing a top 5 list of other top ten lists. Click only if you are brave enough.

Oh and Owen, don't forget some of the top tens we've had here over the years including:

Cunzy1 1's Top Ten Non lethal Weapons in Video Games.

Cunzys top 10 computer game characters he like to get screenshots/photos of cos-players of, so that he can get hard, as nothing else does it now.

Top 5 Shit pokemon that are shit, but not quite as shit as the top 5 lamest pokemon that 1up posted:

TGAM's Top Ten "Oh Shit" moments in games

Ten reasons to buy a PS3 now.

Top ten things What we want to see in Biohazard: Degeneration or we will actually start to MDK people starting with whoever is the nearest. This is the definitive list any slight variation and it's curtains for everyone.

Top 40 things about our friend Randy McSporran

TGAM's Top Ten PC games.

Richie's Top Ten Hottest Video Game Characters

There are more Owen but this is enough for now.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

DANGER: Women in games. Part 2: The Revenge


So it’s been a while since we last decided to tackle the ongoing issue of the fairer sex grasping at the Joystick of the games industry and giving it a good old tug. Last time we touched on this subject we talked about the industries efforts to entice the female market, the vacant “hotties” keeping the guys interested in the industry, and most importantly painstakingly rendered, gorgeously rendered 3D boobies. Almost two years have passed since that last post, has the industry changed? Well it was this article, brought to my attention by Kotaku, which flared my dismay at the industry/humanity. It reads like an open letter to the gaming community proclaiming that girl gamers should be taken down from their pedestal, claiming that an entire gender is still having a hard time in the industry/gaming because of horny adolescent boys.

I'm afraid that I have to go out on an attack on Dairuka, and perhaps TGN, this entire post was clearly written by a cuckolded-pantsu-sniffer with aspirations of being a knight in shining armour for the entire girl gamer community. I'm afraid his post does nothing positive for this sexism in gaming issue these girls are not delicate frail little flowers who are going to break down and just give up gaming. There will always be dicks online, they get fragged online they'll lash out at whatever they can, whether they are from somewhere else, speak different, or simply have a vagina. And regarding the gamer girls flaunting their goods in order to peddle the next over-hyped shooter to the 14-21 bracket, it's not like these girls are coerced, intimidated, forced to do it. It's naive and dare I say it, misogynistic, to think that they don't know what they are doing or the consequences of doing so.

But enough of this blogwarishness in the past year have we seen an improvement in the industry? Is there less sexism in games?

What recent releases have we had that promote those nasty body images, or those negative portrayals of men/women.

Name and shame time.

Fifa09:
My god... where to start, there is not one woman in this game. What are they trying to say? Are women not as good as men at football? Frankly I'm appalled, it even has character creation, with NO OPTION for the oestrogen side.


X-Blades:

As you can see it seems quite well rounded. She is clearly a strong confident women, her face clearly screams jailbait, and in a nice change of pace she is so thin you can see her ribs. Who on Earth could find fault with this little pedo-trap...


Me! Look! No camel toe! Disgraceful! Women should be proud of their labia this is clearly the wrong kind body vagina image to be promoting!

Bayonetta:
Ok so it is not out yet, but I heard there is a skill upgrade later in the game where she incorporates a queef into a combo, staggering the enemies not from disgust but just pure disappointment. Nobody wants to witness that.

Batman - Arkham Asylum:

Actually hats of to Eidos, proving that scantily clad hotties can be loonies too:

Harley Quinn
Pole dancing dominatrix/french-maid/nurse clown woman, Does it get much better? Well if you look at her skirt look there is blood on her crotch! Menstruation-tastic!

Poison Ivy
Veiny leafy green-camel-toe. wnak.

Wet:

Any game that has the gumption to at least even hint at the possibility of moist, glistening, vaginas gets a thumbs-up from me.

Resident Evil 5:

And of course we cant chat about sexist games without mentioning RE5. for some reason she cannot use the Gatling gun... What is she too frail? Though this just might end up being a race issue.


That's it for now, I could easily re-hash the old arguments of negative portrayals are not exclusive to women. How it is all just fantasy How, yes there are women out there that have big breasts, and its only less attractive and less well endowed women who have issue with this, mainly because they don't have the option to entice and manipulate men as the beautiful ones do. But I shan't, just check the previous post.

Signing out.

Richie XXX

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Omastar Comics #23

Today marks the return of the internationally adored fictional cephalopod, Omastar. Originally, Breloom was to star in her own comic. Breloom Comics? Would have never worked.

This week Omastar is annoyed by giving away all the best secrets and getting none in return. Always the last to know. God. Just, just why do I even bother?

We've all been there!

The monologue in panel 3 was used in scene 2 of the popular film version of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Did I see a penny of royalties? Did I f.....

In other gaming news:

It is the onset of the summer drought so stack up on sun cream and go outside for a bit yar?
It's Buddha burning time in England! I really want to see them flames people.
Eidos, we'd be happy to give your new game 95/100, just send us a signed copy of the game to www.hotmail.com
We read Brian Ashcraft's book! Much like our personal hero, the book was impersonal and missed the point but we forgive it because of its lovely flowing locks [hair]!

Next week we're going to Capcom HQ to play Dead Rising 2 and Resident Evil Darkside Chronicles. Expect a full preview with pictures right here. You just don't get this kind of service on other websites.

Monday, July 13, 2009

The joy of the Xbox 360

According to OED bausting is to attack someone with an owl we use it to mean hitting someone with a rod or in the case of RE5 the stun rodYo' this weekend just gone was an ace geekend. One of the rare times when the 20 something crew can get together and pretend that we are 16 all over again. Playing games until the eyes hurt? Check. Laughing at fart noises? Check. Laughing so hard that milk comes out of a nostril? Check. Eating junk food caning your knees up sitting on the floor playing games? Check. Only one thing marred it and that was the Xbox 360.

Consoles vs. PCs is an age old conflict but the latest generation of consoles have come leaps and bounds, caught up with PCs and carried on going. They have surpassed the PC experience altogether. Constant patch and update uploading, crashes, playing shit games just because they are free, rip off DLC and matchmaking wankybuggery can all be found on the 360 recreating the traditionally desk-based good times that can be found with a PC.

This weekend the 360 insisted on crashing every half an hour. Poor performance considering it had only been on constantly for a mere 12 hours straight beforehand. But this wasn't the worst part. The worst part was finding the game and fucking signing in with two players ever single time. That and the fact that this little ritual was being performed every half an hour for a game it is not alright to be playing.

By contrast, playing the Wii felt like progress in that I could put in a game and play it with my buds without menu madness and fucking around with signing in and out.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Blinky bill and Breathy Bob

Look at Breathy Bill Call us turn around kings if you will but news of Shadow of Memories coming to the PSP has changed our hearts and our minds.

We loved the 2001 original. It was brilliant. Perhaps third greatest game of all time. We still finished it with a bunch of weird objects left over but travelling through time in the sleepy streets blew our minds at the time*.







*That and some special biscuits.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Ritin little stories about PC games is the new new games journalism

I'm going to start one set in We Love Golf. It'll be a 365 project just you seeEnjoy it before it gets: a) derivative, b) covered by a ""cutting edge"" piece in the guardian TV guide c) Copycatted to death d) wedged into your Xbox 360 a la facebook and twitter in the place of some more useful kind of functionality like, finding the fucking game you've just inserted without negotiating 14 pages of trailers, all your friends' defaultly dressed snoozing avatars, advertising and Rare videos produced using a camera obscura and an etch a sketch.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Is the PSP worth getting yet?

Hmmm seems to be missing another screen or something?
Let's check. The last time we paid any attention to the "little handheld that could" there was nothing going on.

From field data gathered by observing people using it on the bus and on the train it seems that 98% of them use it to watch Family Guy or South Park episodes. The other 2% play GTA.

Apparently, it can connect to the PS3. Which is a shame because the PS3 is probably the least useful thing an appliance could ever connect to. In fact plugging your PSP into the ground probably offers up infinitly more exciting gaming opportunities.

And what of those "games" that Sony used to do?

Hmmmm Tekken is the best game for the PSP according to Gayspot. Looking at Metacritic there has only been one game post launch better than Lumines and Wipeout. Thems are four years old y'all.

Well I do not know about you but I certainly can't wait for PSP Go! to play those four year old games on. Can you?

The last revelation