Friday, February 27, 2009

The perfect circle II: Dead Rising Chop Til You Drop: Review (of the disc)

Can you believe it? Today I bought Dead Rising Chop Til You Drop for the Nintendo Wii. The reviews so far on the web say it's pretty bad. I won't know until tomorrow (I will not play it tonight EVEN THOUGH I HAVE IT because tonight is Bingo night). In the meantime I'm taking a look at the hard copy product. When the electricity runs out and we can't play games anymore these are the things we will have to show our children the wonder of games. We've already seen the box and the book (complete with notes sections) now we see the disc!

The discAs you can probably cannot see it is a far better disc than the Xbox 360 version. Donald didn't mention that! Dropped the ball there dipshit. It is very understated but classy. Certainly not in my top ten but it would look nice in the planned folder of Wii games I am thinking about putting together (this will be in between Animal Crossing and Endless Ocean, both of which are nice discs. Animal Crossing especially with the pale trees and house motiffs). You can easily see from the disc itself (not this photo) that this is Dead Rising for the Wii. Once again it is reiterated that this game is 18 rated. I will testify to this if Capcom need my services the next time someone goes on a killing spree in ASDA (or Morrisons).

Up next (not today or tomorrow or Sunday, probably on Monday): A review of the game itself. Hated by many we get the scoop on the actual game itself rather than Wii Bashing because Auntie Doreen can beat us at Wii Sports (yeah that's you Daffy!).

Dead Rising Chop Til You Drop: Review (of the book)

Yes! As you may know today is the day Dead Rising Chop Til You Drop came out for the Nintendo Wii. AND I GOT IT.Last time we looked at the box. It was generally good. Now we look at the book which was in the box.

The book
This photo is pretty bad. I was so excited I was shaking. You can see they used the art from the box which is pretty standard practice actually. The book is informative but it is in black and white.

You probably can't tell but this is the notes section of the book. We were worried that there would not be a notes section even though we never ever write in the notes section because it devalues the game and everyone can see you cheated. We have a designated note book for all our gaming notes.

Up next: Dead Rising Chop Til You Drop: Review (of the disc).

Dead Rising Chop Til You Drop: Review (of the box)

I'm literally just this minute back from buying Dead Rising: Chop Til You Drop for the Nintendo Wii. It was exhilirating readers firstly because it is the first game I have ever bought on launch day (probably. It won't be the first game I played on launch day because that was Halo 2. Also, I probably won't play it today because I want to drag out the excitement/potential dissapointment for a little bit longer) and secondly because I bought it in a GAME shop. This is a horrible experience. I can understand why people fear gamers so much. I was in the queue with a hundred people. All of which had caps or lip piercings. Most of them were buying Killzone 2 or trading in clearly stolen Xbox 360s. They looked down their nose at me but I felt sorry for them because a) They own a PS3 and b) They secretely wished they had a platform which could play Dead Rising on it. I knew it. Also, why are GAME shops so hot? I was sweating like a bastard. But this may be because 1) I was buying a game in broad daylight 2) I was wearing my winter jacket and 3) I walked through London carrying a GAME bag, which according to Amnesty International, most people consider that you are 'asking for it'. However, I made it back. Here's the review.

The bag is sweaty
Here it is, in the bag that could have cost me my life on the mean streets of London. You probably can't see but the handle is scrunched pretty badly. What is inside?

In the wrap
Here is the game I have bought. You probably can't see it but it is in cellophane (called serran [cerran?] wrap in some territories). This is nice. Sometimes games don't come in cellophane and you wonder if it has been tampered with but I know I'm the first person to touch it since it was packed in China.

Here is it out of the wrapping
Here it is out of the wrap. You probably can't tell but now the plastic is slowly degrading due to light exposure. It smells nice and new. It is clearly rated 18 so you'll have to wait to play it if you are under this age. The front cover is different to the 360 version. Not too sure which one I preffer.

Out of the wrap and sideways
Here is the back of the box. You probably can't tell but it is sideways. The photography is really bad because I had to photograph it in secret. If work found out I was a gamer I would be laughed at pretty hard. The trolley is the trolley from the morgue so it has probably had a dead body on it which is kind of fitting. Anyway, the back of the box doesn't give too much away. A bit of artwork, some in game shots. You probably can't tell but there's no splashing of cutscene graphics across the back like in the good old PlayStation days. That would be deceitful.

Here is the spine of the box. You probably can't tell but the text font conforms to other Wii games. It's good that they didn't insist on putting a horrible logo on the spine. A bunch of Wii games lined up on a shelf look like some arthouse DVDs so the friends and neighbours don't snigger when they are over at a dinner party. Some companies put a logo on the spine and nothing says '30 year old child' like a logo WITH FLAMES on it. like some comic book bullshit.

Next: Dead Rising Chop Til You Drop: Review (of the book).

An end to DLC?

We ran out of economy related images a while back. Have some Nooks Nobody likes DLC. Nobody at all. Oh what's that? You couldn't get your act together long enough to finish that level before release so we can buy that shit later? Great. Thanks. However, the end of DLC is in sight. We got a quote from Alistair Darling, UK Chancellor of Treasures:

"Nobody got any money. This means EA and everyone else has to fuck the fuck off about DLC."

He then went on to say:

"Media pissing molecule keep going on about how they made Little Big Planet with five people in six hours. Now they expect me to shell out 14 euros for the privelage [sic.] of a fucking Mario sackboy and I have to build my own levels to play on..... You wouldn't go to MacDonalds and be satisfied when you order a hamburger to get a roll, a 'patty' and a gherkin laid out on a tray and then be expected to build your own burger and pay for that sodding sauce. This gets right on my tits"

Hurrah Mr. Darling. Hurrah we say. We'll vote for you at the next election for the King.

Thursday, February 26, 2009


From Daemon Hatfield's review of Dead Rising chop Til You Drop over at mediocre at best 'IGN'.

"the story is…well, it's one of the worst stories I've ever encountered in videogames"

Really Dougy? Worse than Final Fantasy VII or VIII? Or Halo? Or Gears of War? Or Katamari Pisacy? Or any MMORPG? Or puzzle game? Or most games? Not true.

Most of these conflicts occur against human "psychopaths" who can somehow withstand hundreds of bullets, which is many, many more than any zombie you encounter.

Plus Frank never needs to go to the toilet and like days are really short nowehere near 24 hours long.

The story ends up trying to be a social commentary on our American lifestyle

Are the zombies fat? They are stupid but are they stupid enough?. Do the zombies know their geography? Are they homophobic and racist? Do they all end up going to the prom and being prom queen? Are they whiney and loud. Are the female zombies easy? [that's enough Ed.]

We're reserving the right to completely take all of this back come tomorrow but until then it appears Denzil has overstretched slightly in her review of this game. My whinging is more than just fanboyism for a platform. I loved the original and still play it to this very day but from Del Monte's review I'm none the wiser about how the game will actually play and those key differences from the original. Text I can read? Thank god. Maybe that's why I'd missed one of the "worst stories ever" last time because I couldn't read it. Taking pictures? A minor loss. Seriously, 78% of players* abandon the camera after messing around with Kent. And the lack of zombies. Pfffffffffffffft. Will you really miss those extra 700 zombies? We'll see.
*Made up statistic. But it feels right.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


We have totally forgotten to review No More Heroes. Even though we bought it ages ago. With Zack and Wiki for £20 from

Sadly by the time you read this, if our google analytics are to be believed four people will have wanked over this image
It is a very very good game.

I mean four more people obviously
You drive around and something.

She is french
We're addicted to watching the lucky star video on repeat.

Is that a wanking action? Is this the most wankable screenie from a video game ever? Does google pick up words in alt text? Surely
We scoffed at playing with the cat in other reviews. But it is nice sometimes.

This images were taken with a camera from t'telly. Capturing screenshots properly is too much like hard work
It has nice controls too.

There's an ass shot soon
The bit where you use the wiimote as a phone is probably our favourite so far!

That is a nice pile of ash there
We must admit though. We haven't finished it yet. We're savouring it.

Hair! There's hair
The bike is good as is finding all the T-shirts. What's more is that the T-shirts are backwards in the mirror. Genius!

You'd better finish up soon or it could be nasty!
The trash collecting mini game is second only to the lawnmower one.

Are you there yet?
This is for the person who searched for pregnant samus and found TGAM. Sorry but it's the best I've got. The Samus mission is by far the best. Quite how they convinced Nintendo to have her as a boss, we don't know but it is brilliant.

SICK. You just came over a very young looking Yuffie you pervert
Yuffie gets annoying towards the end but there's a great twist before the credits roll. Just buy this game, play it. Enjoy it. Love it! 9.5/10*

*The minus 0.5 marks is because Yuffie dies. Ooops. Shit. [Spoilers]. Is it too late?

Monday, February 23, 2009

Games news round up

There's nothing happening in games at the moment. Except for Resident Evil 5 and Dead Rising Chop til you Drop. Everyone else is getting fired. Here's a round up of the top stories this week:

1) I played a bit of Animal Crossing: Let's got to the city. I didn't go to the city, I failed to make a snowman and I only found two pitfall seeds (no fossils). The town was pretty weedilicious too. I did buy the common painting from nook though. I also got a very disturbing letter (screenies later).

2) Dead Rising Chop til you Drop is allegedly out on Friday!? How can this be? We're looking forward to it. I say we I mean I. Richie died a couple of months ago [reminds me, I need to do an obituary post] and didn't 'get' the original one. We (I) am sad that there won't be any photography as there was nothing better than accidentally whipping out the camera and taking a sneaky photo only to find some secret erotica. We (I) are not very bothered about the reduced number of zombies either as Dead Rising is by far the stand out best next gen game so far even with gangs rather than hordes of the undead. We (me still) are also sad that the free structure of the story mode has been changed to mission based which should make it a bit easier for completionists. Still. Worth a buy I reckon.

3) killzone 2 is out also on friday. Which, is like saying that the supermarket has restocked their bread for the week. Or that s expected, water will continue to come from your taps. Some people are excited about Killzone 2. These people are PS3 owners. Nobody else really is. And if they are? They should play Killzone. Then they won't be. We already rviewed it but here is the review again for those who missed it: Unless you are the die hard fan of green/brown/grey and corridors, corridors, warehouses and corridors, give this one a miss. 6/10.

4) Lost Planet 2 was announced to the surprise of one person. That person later realised they weren't really surprised. They had lost planet confused with lonely planet and later apologised to the internet.

5) I read Little Brother on Sunday. It was okay. Readable certainly. A bit cringey with all the references to SilVal faves and I suspect a bit too much of Mr. Doctorows personal fantasy where BoingBoing leads the next non revolution in the spirit of the 60s against 'the man'. Worth a read though, if only once. It helps if you pretend you are a guardian reader too because it makes you feel 'in touch' with the kidz because you know what flickr is. Watch out for the cosplay rape scene though. It took m very much by surprise.

6) This weekend a hundred articles were published in the newspapers and shit about how facebook and virtual worlds make you have a short attention span. And a loner. And a retard. A retard who can't communicate well. And it means you can't empathise with others. What the article really means is that a crap load of middle aged intelligent people are shit scared that they'lll be left out because they don't know all the latest memes. Serves 'em all right. Be scared. Nobody reads the papers anymore anyway. A whole supplement on fashion? Fuck off.

7) This week every developer went bust completely.

8) The Wii sold more games and consoles than there are people in the universe. Some people are still complaining that there are no games. These people are the same people who are looking forward to Killzone 2 and sick of playing MotorStorm 2 and Resistance 2 over and over and over. So far the status of the Wii hasn't been commented on by the 360 fanboys as they are too busy perpetually logging in and out of Xbox live and Games for windows to download trailers and play Dawn of War 2.

9) Left 4 Dead is still enjoying a great deal of coverage from the blogosphere.

10) The new source goldeneye looks shit. It looks like CS which was also shit which looks like L4D which, is also shit. We can't understand the appeal of the knock off Resident Evil Outbreak. So what, it actually works and is online these are not significant factors. Until left for dead is renamed Resident Evil Outbreak Rip-off we will be boycotting all Valve games.

So them's the haps of international importance. Now you know.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Beat the credit crunch and/or recession

In this piece Sonic symbolises growth and sonic kirby symbolises hope. Hint: be the kirby, for sonic sleeps
Ten ways to beat the recession if you are a gamer:

1) Play all those games you haven't completed yet. This will probably see you through until 2010.

2) Laugh at your friends who spent their money on houses, cars and children instead of games. Your games haven't devalued over time, in fact with the current glut of mediocre games and sequels they may even have grown better with time. Your games won't leave you and take your children because you can't afford the lavish house and expensive food bills anymore. That's why games are great and real people selfish and 'orrible.

3) Invite all your friends who are saving money by not going out to trendy bars, clubs and to foreign countries for holidays over to your house for some mashed sessions. Show them that gaming has been valuable all along not just when you don't have anything else going on.

4) Pick up some cheap games that real people are desperately selling on Ebay. All those real people who bought a PS2 as some kind of life accessory. That'll be one of the first things they will sell so pick up all the limited editions and a few of the glaring omissions from yor back catalgoue.

5) Replay all the games you busted. This time getting alternative endings.

6) Play Blitzball.

7) Play 24 hour le mans races in real time.

8) Don't ever buy any tissues or napkins. Just use the back of your hand or the inside of your boxers. This will save at least £2.50 a year or £14,000 if you are, or live with, a girl.

9) Try speed running your favourite game.

10) Watch everything over at GomTV.

All of these things can be done for absolutely no cost and will last you until there is no recession again. Enjoy!

Monday, February 16, 2009

The perfect circle: A selection of discs not to choose if you are doing an article on disc art even if it is tongue in cheek

Remember Crispy Gamer? The guys behind some pretty good articles in recent years to be frightfully honest.
This time around it's an article, pre-empting EDGEs upcoming article on the subject, about the best disc art. They then choose some of the worst disc art around but not the worst worst, just the mehhiest worst and put it up for all to see. If they went full retard it would have been fine to see some of the worst disc art around. However, the writer , one Karl Florid seems to have chosen a bunch of discs that were within reach rather than execute any kind of judgement about quality and what makes a good disc cover.
What do we care you might be commenting already? We care a lot. Firstly, there's a lot of Xbox games on that list. Not that there's anything bad with Xbox and it's relation to art on disc covers per se but half the disc is covered with the Xbox banner and the other half is covered with logos etc. Automatic disqualification methinks. Secondly, it is really annoying when you get a platinum game or an Eidos reloaded game and the original art is replaced with just the logo. That's pretty dissapointing and decreases the value of a game significantly if you ain't got the original.
Kylie the describes the gears of war logo as a "spray-painted skull and crossbones". Surely Sir. That's a gear no?
The midnight club, halo 3, katamari and namco museum discs are also poor choices.
This almost tempts us to start scanning some real arty discs in to keep the disc art discussion going. An important discussion that some lazy artist is already no doubt planning an exhibition about. Surely, Darwinia should be on the list (it might be actually I didn't check). Or the Urban Chaos disc. Them's was pretty sweet. However, the scanner is on the blink at the moment. Watch this space.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Back to Black

Two 'interesting' articles went up this week Why are black game characters failing audience on EDGE and Resident Evil 5 Coverage Reignites Racism Debate up on some shit blog we found. It appears that discussion about racism, race and games once again rears it's ugly head for do gooders to send their good thoughts out into the ether. However, this time around it is black history month and Resident Evil 5 demo is live so it's kinda topical.

However, both of these posts completely gloss over the main meat of issues about race in games. We've all played the Resident Evil 5 demo by now and realised that there's nothing there really. Anyone wanting to single out things that they think are racist are overstretching a bit and any gamer who has been around a while can easily cite other games where the race scenario is reversed, irrelevant or ambiguous. And no one got the heeby jeebies then or had to try so hard to fight for race rights. On the internet. On a blog.

No these authors are missing the race issue that quite frankly has gone unaddressed for over two years now.

PrickIt's Otis from Dead Rising. He is a fucking annoying prick. And black. Yeah we'd throw that out there for ya. Please send your theses to and who knows? Maybe you'll get a job?

Other TGAM posts in the 'tackling racism from the armchair' series:

Where's the black Wii?
Marvin Branagh (Will Smith) cancels party for Leon Kennedy.
Black lead character only sleeps with dead white man in Fahrenheit.
Barrett in FFVII only character to have a child.
Jade from Beyond Good and Evil has a Pig man as a best friend.
Echochrome: The new apartheid?
50 Cent game given awful reviews by racist game reviewers.
Links hatred for dark Link: Nintendo's hidden agenda.

Killzone 2 Hands off review

Killzone 2 screenshot. ExclusiveMan, do you remember Sentient? Jeez that was a pretty sweet game. They should totally update it and release it again that would be sweet. Oh dude, dude remember Colony Wars? That was ace. Someone should either bring colony wars back or make some kind of similar game. And freedom fighters! Whatever happened to freedom fighters? Hours of 4 player fun. And Project Eden! Fuck Left 4 Dead that was proper co-op.
And wipeout? Why is Wipeout 2097 better than Wipeout Pure. Oh and G-police. That whole universe was great. And Syndicate wars? Where's the new Syndicate wars or anything like it? That was awesome on the PlayStation. As was micro maniacs, crash team racing, mashed! Properly good games that still get played today.
Oh man killswitch was cool and the original Red Faction was amazing. Ico, Shadow of the Colossus, Dino Crisis 1 and 2. Kingdom Hearts, Dragon Quest, Burnout before it got ruined, PaRappa the Rapper, SSX FUCKING TRICKY, Timesplitters, Ring of Red, Beyond Good and Evil oh oh and remember playing blitzball on FFX. That was pretty sick. Music and vib ribbon were pretty cool too! The warriors genius, Star Wars Battlefront, the orginal WWF Smackdown. God those were the good days.

Hey, remember the utterly average Killzone that scored less than Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and The Urbz: Sims in the City? It even got worse reviews than Resident Evil Outbreak which was actually fully fully broken. Imagine spending all that time working on a game that got received worse than some shit capcom just cranked out at the last minute for outside of Japan. Yeah. It was pretty crappy.