Friday, January 30, 2009

Public Service Notice 48

This public service notice relates to the use of the term "facepalm". The use of such a term is increasing in forums, on blogs and on those motivational poster images. The users of the term may wish to rethink using it as it is only really used by american people who spend more than two hours a day watching cartoon network. Here are some suggested alternatives to use to impress fellow children on the internet:

Gosh that was really embarassing for that person.
Oh dear that was unfortunate that that thing happened to that guy and everyone saw it.

Please help make the internet a cleaner, more respectable place so that alien archaeologists don't have to shift through so much shit when trying to work out whether or not humanity was all that or not.

Omastar Comics #21

The first Omastar comic of 2009. Will it be any good? The answer is a single click away unless you have good eyesight.

Today, Omastar tells Shieldon about his wishes for how his body is to be treated when he eventually departs this life. The comic then shows that his wishes were not carried out. This subject and the way in which the story ends may be a sensitive topic to some people so they may wish to give this one a miss. It's okay though because in the next comic he becomes president of Tethys. The first ammonoid president of a pan-global oceany state thing. It's a very uplifting story about overcoming adversity, furry sidekicks, friends who fall out but make up again and an eventual happy ending. Parts of the comic were edited out for American release. Namely, a scene where Omastar is forced to snort a dildo made out of rusty razor blades on prom night by the school bullies. As the prom king and queen laugh and dance around gaily.

Not suitable for children under three. Small parts.

No gaming news. The horizon is bleak. If it carries on like this we might have to put some serious thought into getting excited about 7/10 franchise, Killzone.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Welcome Strangers

After years of attention seeking it finally happened. It's the fourth biggest day of our lives. We got a link on Kotaku after we sent a link to this post after Brian C (Big C we call him) didn't take to kindly to our latest tip. Tip 25 reposted here for your eyes only:

25. Rumours abound tips too

Handwashing and gargling? Seriously. Are you even trying over there? Here is a good tip for you though which might cause your stomach to erupt if handwashing floats your boat!

In the game 100 Classic Books for the Nintendo DS, the summer evening BGM makes a fine accompanyment to a quick read of the Hunchback of Notre Dame because, wait for it, it has bells tolling in the background. Share this tip carefully boyos.

He replied with "Hey how’d that happen? You’ve landed on my spam filter."

Then I shared the link to the post and it turns out he was a lie head because he then went on to share the link with the whole of Kotaku.

What happened next?

Then overnight we recieved an influx of Kotakuites (3662 to be exact) which brings our total visitor figures to TGAM up to 2461. Some of them were kind enough to leave comments here, which I wil now take time to respond to a la Soloman or Smith. Names have been changed because most of them pussies went anonymous.

Thumb it in said "Uh on the 24th tip, how bout not reading the day and night notes?Would help in the not being annoyed by them, wouldn't you say?"

Well Thumb it's not a problem since day note and night note seem to have mysteriously dissappeared following our glorious link.

Matthew wrote us an essay "SO WE WERE ALL IN JAPAN THE OTHER DAY AND WE WENT TO A JAPANESE PLACE AND AtE SOME JAPANESE FOOD AND IN JAPAN FOOD IS DIFFERENT THAN IN AMERICA AND IN JAPAN THEY HAVE DIFFERENT TRADITIONS AND STUFF. buy my book".Wow that is great. It does seem that all I ever hear on Kotaku is about Japan if it comes out of that guy.I'll have to return to finish reading this when I have more time, but it's great so far.

and later

OK, it took me a little time to go through it all, but I have confirmed you are insane. Just give up, is one tip. The only tip I ever got posted was one about the Call of Duty 4 beta release. I've sent in cool stuff before of varying subjects (All related to gaming), but now that I understand how many emails they get, I can give them a little slack.I do like what you said here:. Yesterday must have been cold without a hot tip so here's one that's been scorching a hole in my faceDon't bother with Second Life.I think the best tip you ever got is from Kotaku themselves (The link that is), so you're probably peeing yourself right now, congrats.

Thanks Matt although we gave up peeing ourselves when the cold weather settled in that nice warm feeling just doesn't stay warm long enough. Although, if we see a fire engine, who knows?

Leadbythenose said "What a waste of time, I wish kotaku hadn't linked me here." It's nice to see such frank honesty these days and glad to see that at least Lead got the joke unlike:

>9000 who helpfully pointed out that "Your tips are lame. seriously they are weak tips are supposed to be for information about new games not game guide help. and duh ashcraft lives in Japan I think he is going to be slightly japanese...." We feel so embarassed the whole time we thought we were being helpful! Thank god women like +900 are here to point these things out.

Hotnblack said: "Its easy to hate kotaku, I mean I know I do at times...but their coverage is too good to overlook. Every other game site/blog out there is just copy and pasting off their feed." Which is pretty much what we said in the post he had just commented on when we went:

"Kotaku is a gaming news site, probably the best one actually at least in terms of volume and frequency, not neccessarily consistency....... From here the escapist and then EDGE copy and paste all their news." But it might have been worth reiterating I guess.

Nothingbuthenews found a third use for his arsehole and said: "I totally agree, I wish I hadn't followed this link. This is what you do with your time and call news? Ugh." HE JUST CAN'T STAND THINGS WHICH PEOPLE SPEND THEIR TIME ON THAT ISN'T NEWS. Which is most things.

Slowbutsteady doesn't know his sister started her period. All he knows is that his Dad's dick taste funny once a month: "I, for one, very much like the Day and Night Notes." Then it's a shame they've gone now then [replaced by just Note but whatever].
RegIII resisted the debilitating FIV long enough to choose a poor turn of phrase to suggest he has tried email stalking men and masturbating, preffering the latter: "Seriously? This is how you waste your time? Here is a scorching hot tip for you...... jack off.... far better than email stalking guys."
Nicoffiend goes: "Congrats on wasting two years of your life attempting to get a rise out of someone you don't know and who couldn't give a rats ass about you." Dude. We took breaks.
What happened next
Thanks to our traffic tracking software we were able to follow the kotakuites. Well over 1000 of them then 'found' the CG Boobies tag. They then spent an average 30 seconds looking at the posts. The little quiz box on the right went up 5 votes for put my bum in his willy and 4 votes for put my willy in his bum. Sadly, RegIII died of the FIV. The world is a slightly better place. Then they all went back to Kotaku for some good old fashined naivity and some circle jerking. It'll take some time for the chip smell to go away though.
I never did say which email broke the will of the Big C. In fact for a guy who didn't notice he said this after the Second Life tip: "Does the hole, perchance, lead to your brain?".

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Dry Entry Anal Justice

SAMUS WITH TITS AND LEGSYep this post should generate some more traffic. Soul Calibur XXX, Dante tits, Hitomi vadge, Ayane breasts, Dead or Alive nude naked, World of Warcraft anus, Misty cum, Lara croft with her beef out, Taki from soul calibur eating a peach, night elves baking a small sexy cake, aeris and tifa building a card house on a rainy day, Vikki blows walking the dog, that bird from perfect dark going to the post depot to pick up a parcel that was sent to her house when she was working, Amy Rose putting some candles on because there is a powercut, Zangief upskirt, Chun Li forcing a sausage back into the pack because she can only eat four today not five like she initially thought, green and bloody douche juice, princess peach ramming daisy in a bumper cart, Cloud shaving before an operation, samus aran smothering a slice of bread with honey, master chief bending over backwards for the rights of displaced minorities, Zelda showing link her creamy muffin she bought at a nice shop in the village, tits in an arsehole, jill valentine burying her nephew on the beach, Leon and Ada beaver watching in springand periods.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Kaz Hirai and Sony full of shit

Via Kotaku via Official PlayStation Magazine:

It's difficult to talk about Nintendo because we don't look at their console as being competitors. They're a different world and we operate in our world — that's kind of the way I look at things...

And with the Xbox — again, I can't come up with one word to fit. You need a word that describes something that lacks longevity... Last time I checked, they've never had a console that's been on the market for more than four or five years and we've committed to a ten year life cycle, so you do the math...

And unless things go really bad, there's no way that at the end of a life cycle our competition is going to have a higher install base.

RAGE RAGE RAGE. How are you competing at all? We're all sick of this shit. No one believes you anymore. No one believes that you aren't royally fucked. Otherwise there would be some kind of new gaming news instead of endless stat tweaking reports about how the PS3 is outselling the other consoles on "small islands" or in "countries beginning with K". We don't give a fuck about any of that shit. Stop the bullshit. Do something. Stop releasing new editions of your console.

I imagine it's difficult to talk about Nintendo because playing as Solid Snake in Super Smash Brothers Brawl is about 400 times more fun than playing Metal Gear Solid 4, one of two 'games' that you might need to buy a PS3 for (the other being Little Big Joke).

Which brings us onto the Xbox 360. Last time Kaz checked they didn't have a console that's been on the market for more than five years. That's great Kaz. You may also check again and notice that they didn't have one of the most popular consoles with some of the greatest games of all time which they then didn't completely piss on and abandon for some new iteration which sucked balls so hard that two years after launch is still way too expensive, unsatisfying and nothing short of an absolute joke. I was a die-hard PlayStation fan as were all my console gaming friends and I watch a lot of films and I like to download shitty cheap throw away games but I would still buy four Xbox 360s and Dead Rising over a PS3 anyday and enjoy it infinitely more. In fact if I was given a PS3 for free I'd be dissapointed for a bit. I'd then get Singstar and probably Advent Children on Blu-ray. And that would be it.

Now the best bit "And unless things go really bad". Things are really bad Kaz. They are really really bad. Did you see those this is living ads? There was a reason they weren't about anything because there is nothing when it comes to the PS3. Nothing. All the exclusives went cross platform. Haze was arse, Killzone has always been and will always be a 7/10 franchise at best. Resistance is....uh. Just meh. Don't you get it? Ape Escape won't do it anymore. Remember the glory days when you had Crash Bandicoot, Final Fantasy and Lara Croft all to yourself. Those days are gone. Wasted. So shut your shit up. THe next press release I want to read from anyone at Sony better be something like this:

"Dear everyone. Sorry we fucked up so bad. It was the people in marketing that made us do it. We realise we have no games and that special features on DVDs are probably the last thing people are interested in so we're going to ditch going on and on about blu-ray the whole time. We're going to stop messing around with generic games and we're going to stop copying the Xbox 360 all the time with trophies and all. Fuck home and little big planet. What were we thinking? AH ha ha. Home sorry big joke here at the office. Listen were going to fix Armoured Core and Wipeout finally. We're going to buy Colony Wars and crank out a million sequels and then go back to the happy Ico and Shadow of the Colossus days when people want to buy our console again to play decent games on. We'll fix backward compatability too so then at least PS3 owners can play all those really really good PS2 and PlayStation games no problems. Then we're going to release a disc with the top 100 PlayStation games on it, totally free so that people remember why they loved the PlayStation so much because we've completely shat over our die hard fans outside of Japan. Oh and we're going to just ditch the PSP and start doing games for the DS like we should have a long long time ago."

If it isn't something pretty much along those lines then SOny can go fuck offalong with Capcom.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Delicious Irony

!Down ahahahahahahaWow. We are on fire today with three posts n all. Anyway does anyone else find it ironic that a site/franchise called 1Up just died?

We do. Ah haahahahahahahahaha.

Also, it was shit anyway. Yeah.

You know when you are in trouble...

....when you make game consoles and you have more editions of your console than you do platform exclusive games that score 9 or more on metacritic.

Which is exactly what happened upon the announcement of the "Cloud Black" PS3. In fact it happened after they released the Gun Metal version.

Here's a tip, get some of those designers to make some friggin games rather than spray paint logos on your frikin consoles.

Resident Evil Degeneration: A review

This weekend we got a copy of Resident Evil Degeneration, the new CGI Resident Evil film. Despite watching the first ten second trailer a hundred times we managed to stay away from any kind of exposure of the film at all. After watching it, here are out thoughts on the film and exactly where capcom got it all exactly wrong everywhere. Warning: SPOILERS, although technically there has to be a plot in order for it to be spoiled at all.

What we wanted. You may remember this post (before all the Wow gayness) about our hopes and fears for the film that takes on the most precious game in the entire world, Resident Evil 2. Here was our wishlist:

1) Will Smith cast as the face of Marvin Branagh.
2) Zombie and/or Claire tits.
3) Herbs.
4) The line "That guy's a maniac, why'd he bite me?"
5) The exact same plot as Resident Evil 2. In fact don't spend money making a whole new film just record someone playing Resident Evil 2 and stick it on DVD that would be best.
6) A cameo from Dante.
7) A reference to Okami, Viewtiful Joe or at least We love golf.
8) An explanation of those other Resident Evil films like it was all just a dream or something.
9) The nemesis fighting 104 Hunters.
10) A bonus feature with
Hunk dancing to 'Umbrella'11) Taking all this stuff about SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS [Jill being dead] back.

Suffice to say none of this made the film at all. Although there were no Claire/zombie tits there is a bit at the end which is pretty titilicious. In fact, I think Capcom just used the model from Tits Mcgee in Dead Rising. Almost makes up for lack of C/Z tits but not quite. For a while it looked like the film was going to have the exact same plot as Resident Evil 2 until the film 'goes all japanese', 'jumps the shark' and is just shit. In fact here is the film in dead rising text size graph form.

Graph them shits. Excel, still the best PC game

The film starts off not very exciting at all with the tired old format of using fake news clips to fill in the blanks between Resident Evil 2 and 4 and present day. Then there's an airport and Claire and some kind of fake ethnic Sherry Birkin. Then umm zombies appear from nowhere. Literally, from nowhere. And then a plane full of zombies arrives. The airport gets all zombied up. Turns out Claire, fako Sherry and fako Brian Irons make it to some kind of safe room. Then ah, Leon gets sent in to rescue the survivors and is joined by newbie titsmcgee and zombie fodder Greg or Griggs or something.

Then there is some zombie shooting and the reunion of Leon and Claire (complete with the RE2 'get down' scene). The reunion is completely downplayed depsite the fact they could have had us crying tears of blood if they'd dealt with it properly. Essentially Leon kinda says "Oh hi" and that's it. Then there is some running and shooting and then you should turn the film off and pretend it was just a cutscene they forgot to put into RE2.

Unfortunately, I stuck with it. They get out of the airport and Claire, Tits, Leon, and Brian Irons meet fako Billy Birkin. Fortunately, ethnic Sherry dissapears so Claire can do more than hang around protecting her.

Then theres some talking and the T-virus and some vaccine and it turns out Brian Irons and fako Birkin are the good guys. Then there's an explosion and all the vaccine is destroyed and it turns out that it's all terrorism or something and the guy probably responsible is none other than tits' brother Curtis!

Then weirdness happens and Claire jumps in a car with fako Birkin. Leon and Tits decide to go to the Mcgee family home to find her brother despite the fact that she hasn't seen him in four years. Fortunately, the Mcgee family home seems to be quite near the airport.

Claire and Birkin go to some fako Umbrella facility which seems to be lacking in security and also quite near the airport. Birkin hits on Claire a bit, tells her they have the G-virus at new umbrella and then Claire phones Leon just as the building blows up with Claire inside and it's allegedly Curtis Mcgees' fault.

Meanwhile Leon and Tits go to chateau Mcgee to find it's been burned down by Curtis. Fortunately, despite the fire a family photo manages to escape the blaze and lay in wait in the exact spot Tits falls to her knees crying. She picks it up and gives us Curtis' utterly predictable sob story. Leon and Tits then just hang out for a bit not doing much. They then watch the airport burning until Leon gets Claire's call.

Seconds, minutes, hours or even days later Leon and Tits arrive at new Umbrella and split up to find Claire or to do something. Leon finds Claire and tells her to escape which she nearly does. In one sequence Zombies appear for no reason whatsoever outside a lift. We suspect it's so that some action happens because it's been talking a lot recently.

Tits finds her brother and for no reason anyone on this earth can work out he has injected himself with the G-virus and turns into a lanky William Birkin. The mysterious squad of troops for no reason appear from nowhere on nobody's orders and start to shoot him for no reason. Fako G-virus Billy Birkin takes most of them out before Leon turns up and kills him about a hundred times but never conclusively. Then Leon and Tits fall into some water and kiss for no reason. Meanwhile, Claire didn't escape she just went to the control room and for no reason decompresses the building, the only result being the roof goes a bit saggy.

After a million times burying him with rubble, knifing his eye-arm, blowing him up with flames and dropping him in a bottomless pit Leon and Tits finally kill fako g-virus Birkin (after the obvious brother-sister drama and the reappearence of coincidence family photo) and then Leon and Tits hold hands (mega gay and what about Claire? Disgusting).

Then they work out that non-g-virus Birkin was behind it all and using unseen detective powers they manage to find him on a cliff just as he arranges to sell the T-virus and G-virus to some guy from Ghana. Justice.

Then in the morning, Leon and Claire decide to not change clothes but Tits decideds to change into a dress to show everyone why she is called Tits. She also lets her hair down. Leon, Claire and Tits then stand on a Cliff looking at the fako new umbrella facility, complete with deflated roof and say some stuff.

Tits then flirts with Leon IN CLAIRE'S FUCKING FACE and then Leon and Claire walk off. Leon gets in a helicopter and Claire gets in a Limo with fako ethnic Sherry and fako Sherry's aunt. They don't kiss or cry they just kinda say "see you later" and it sucks. Again, could have been crying like a depressed girl with allergies in the height of summer just after her fiance left her at her whole family's funeral. Alas was not to happen.

Later we see the new new umbrella cleanup team (from Resident Evil 5) find a bit of the new fako Billy Birkin and put it in a box. Cue credits.

I wish the above description was exaggerated or made up by a bitter fanboy like myself but no. That's the film. The one consolidation is the blooper reel on the DVD but by the time you've watched the film it isn't enough to get the FEELING THAT ME AND MY MORON FRIENDS COULD HAVE WRITTEN AND SHOT A MUCH BETTER FILM THAT AT LEAST MADE SENSE IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES.

There is no Capcom as far as we are concerned.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Steelseries World of Warcraft MMO Gaming mouse

Right so I may have been outed as a bit of a WoWophile with my many characters and such. I usually play with the Belkin Nostromo N52, which is a great piece of hardware, nicely customisable and extremely functional.

So when the Steelseries WoW mouse with it's 15 mouse buttons was announced I have to admit I was straight in there with a pre-order. Which incidentally was pegged for a November 2008 release date (to coincide with the release of the latest expansion pack Wrath of the Lich King)

After over a few weeks of waiting on December 11th I get this in my email:

Array with kind regards, SteelSeries Order Support

Seriously that is all I got just the word "Array", so I reply:

Hi there, Not sure what 'Array' means, is the mouse now available?

They reply:

The demand for the World of Warcraft MMO Gaming Mouse has been much higher than anticipated, even compared to our most optimistic forecasts. As a result, the mouse is still delayed, despite our best efforts working around the clock to ramp up production. We are writing this update to inform you that the order is still on-track to be delivered before Christmas. We are doing everything we can to get it to you as soon as possible, but cannot give you an exact date at this point in time.

Blah blah Merry Xmas, Steelseries brings the gift of Lies.

So I wait a while longer levelling my Death Knight with (shock-horror) a 3 button mouse. Finally on 31 December I get the mail saying that the mouse is now available so I do my thing, enter my credit card details, and part with my hard-earned £90 and play the waiting game for it to arrive. And it does so on 6th January, but since I was a bit pre-occupied with post New years festivities I didn't get to try it out till the following weekend. I messed about with the software a bit, and jumped right in, not overly impressed with the buttons or the lack of customisation, but it did have a cool flashy LCD that changed colour and that kept me entertained for a while. The next day however I noticed that the buttons were a bit sticky and squeaky, and as the WoW session proceeded I noticed that the buttons were actually sticking down and staying there pretty much rendering the mouse useless!

Raging that the mouse was actually impeding my gameplay I had to switch back to my laptop's mouse trackpad!

The next day, still bitter that my mouse had turned into a £90 paperweight, I wrote an email of complaint to Steelseries:

Hi There, I recently bought the WoW MMO Gaming mouse. Upon receiving my mouse I noticed that the main Left and Right buttons were squeaking when they were pressed, I figured that this may just be teething troubles but last night I found that the buttons are now sticking. I have used the mouse only a few times since receiving it last week. Could you please send me details on an exchange for the mouse.

I also decided to drop a mail to to get their view on the situation be warned the following article has content of a WoWish nature:

Hey, So I pre-ordered the WoW MMO Gaming mouse from Steelseries. And after 2 months of delays due to demand, it finally arrived last week. To begin with I was impressed, the buttons are accessible, despite being made out of metal It is very light, and the software that comes with it is very easy to use. However after a few WoW sessions using it I'm starting to get well more than a little disgruntled with it. Firstly the software is a little... annoying, it has given you many pre-programmed macros and basic commands, but rather than binding it to the actual functions it manually types commands in. For example you can set up a single button press for dismounting, which is essentially [Return]/dismount[Return]. I think I was actually hoping to set up the mouse to specific functions in the WoW keybinding interface as "Mousebutton 12" or just actually bind it to a keyboard function. Also when the software is active it seems to remap everything in WoW e.g. I pressed "M" to bring up my map screen and my character jumped. Secondly the hardware, I mentioned it was light, to be honest it is too light, It just seems odd that a mouse with so much metal feels so flimsy. It's corded, yeah I know that response times go up with direct connections but seriously, corded just seems a little archaic nowadays, though the cable is pretty funky it is covered in material and makes it seem like a USB rope. Finally, and this is my biggest gripe, the main left and right buttons are broken... After 1 week playing (2-3 times), the buttons started squeaking, I figured it was teething problems, but it eventually got so bad (after about an hour) that the buttons would click down and then take a few seconds to un-click like there had been chewing gum jammed under the buttons. Right now I am in the process of enquiring about their exchange policy, but I'm wondering if I shouldn't get a full refund. I was wondering if you or any of your readers had similar problems with this mouse? P.S. I didn't mention it does have a cool LCD light thing that you can change to any colour for any character, but to be honest it is rather here nor there, it's cool enough but since you hand is covering it up 99% of the time it is somewhat defunct. Regards, Richie. /dismount

3 days later and I still had not received any word back on this process, I had also googled to see if anyone else had the same problem and I found very similar complaints on a number of sites. Which was pretty much the straw that broke the camels back, I decided that i just wanted a refund.

So I checked the site out again, It seem that they had updated it and they now had a rather ugly On-line form for processing support requests. Since my previous email had fallen on deaf ears I submitted another request (13th January):

I recently bought the WoW MMO Gaming mouse . Upon receiving my mouse I noticed that the main Left and Right buttons were squeaking when they were pressed, I figured that this may just be teething troubles but last night I found that the buttons are now sticking. I have used the mouse only a few times since receiving it last week. I'm not overly happy with the product at all and upon googling my problem I have found other users with similar issues. As such I am unsure if a replacement would satisfy me especially after the delay and the money I paid. I would like to request details on obtaining a full refund.

Which I actually just (15th January) received a response to:

Thank you for your interest in SteelSeries Professional Gaming Gear. This is a known issue and SteelSeries has already taken the necessary action to correct this problem. This is not an official fix, though other customers have found it successful, however please try this: Lift the left & right click mouse button up with your finger nail after half an inch until you hear a snap, then let go. If that doesn't help you, please go back to your original point of purchase to get a replacement unit or credit. If you bought it directly from us, please provide your order # on this request and we will contact you back for the RMA replacement once we have the replacement units in our warehouse. Sorry for the inconvenience and thank you for understanding. Thanks, SteelSeries Support

SNAP THE BUTTONS!?!??!?! Yeah... fuck that! Voiding Warranty much? Again... FUCK THAT!!!

Steel Series will shortly be receiving another request for a REFUND an I will capitalise since they seem to have misread it before...

So just to reiterate, does not reccommend the Steelseries WoW Mouse.

Love n Hugs,


Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Fanservice Inc

Is anyone else totally addicted to the diorama mode on Super Smash Brothers Brawl? YES! You too! Great here are some of my creations for people to use to add some spice to their fan fictions. I've given some title and synopsis hints but feel free to use your own okay? And don't say I don't ever give you anything disgusting fanfiction people.

Giant Puff
Suggested Title: BigglypuffStar.
Synopsis: The galaxy is in a state of civil war. The Psychic Type Alliance has stolen plans to the Normal type empire's BigglypuffStar: a space station capable of annihilating a planet.

Suggested Title: High School Musical (Fire emblemxPokemon)
Synopsis: Marth and Lyn both have strong feelings for Wobbuffet even though they are all in the same band with Donkey Kong. Will Marth and Lyn manage to sort out their differences before the performance of the high school musical? Or will their fueding ruin the whole thing?

Suggested Title: 'Upskirt days'
Synopsis: Rumours are abound that Palutena is in fact a tranny. Jigglypuff and Solid Snake challenge each other to a competition! The first one to discover the truth about Palutena's trouser furniture is the winner!

Drs Shrunk
Suggested title: Doctor, doctor, doctor, docter (Animal crossing self yaoi)
Synopsis:A terrible disease kills all other organisms except for Dr Shrunks. Charged with repopulating the Earth, the Doctors start about the grim business but then they realise that they may be doing the nasty for more than just repopulating the earth....

Suggested title: Another super smash twilight (Another codexzeldaxsuper smash brawl)
Synopsis:Drug addicted Ashley needs to pick up her benefits for her next fix but Bulbins and a boomer don't want her to die through drug addiction. Will Ashley have the strength to go cold turkey or will she die by her friends who would rather shoot her with a rocket launcher and stab her with swords rather than see her die a junky.

Latias, Latios, Samus Aran
Suggested Title:Genocide of the Latiasss and the Latiosss
Synopsis:Pregnant Samus' latest mission is to wipe out all the Latiasseses and Latiosseses. She kills hundreds of them before she has to rethink her mission as she finds out who the real father of her unborn babies are!!

Tom, Timmy and Tommy Nook

Suggested Title: 300 Nook edition (yaoi)
Synopsis: Over Tortimers narration, the life of young Timmy Nook is depicted. Cast into the wild to fend for his life per Raccoon doctrine, Timmy Nook survives the harsh winter and returns home to be crowned Store Owner.
Years later, messengers arrive at the gates of Nookingtons demanding its submission to Store Owner Tom Nook. Outraged and offended by their threats and behavior, Store Owner Timmy Nook and his guards kick the messengers into a well. Acknowledging the threat of Tom Nook's invasion force, he visits the Villagers proposing a strategy to repel the numerically superior enemy by using the terrain of the town gates, which would funnel the Tom Nooks into a narrow pass between Booker and Copper. The Villagers, wary of Timmy Nook' plans, consult Katrina, who in her trance decrees that Nookingtons must not go to war, lest they interrupt the sacred fishing tournament. As Timmy Nook departs a messenger from Tom Nook appears, rewarding the Villagers a mountain of gold in return for their covert support.
Despite Katrina's orders, Timmy Nook decides on a leisurely walk to the town gates, gathering 300 of his best soldiers to act as his personal bodyguards. Along the way, they are joined by a force consisting of Pascal and various other visitors before arriving at the town gates. In sight of the approaching Tom Nook army, they construct a wall to contain the Tom Nook’s' advance. Timmy Nook meanwhile encounters Crazy Redd, a hunchback who requests a private audience with the Store Owner. A severely disfigured child, his parents fled Nookingtons to spare him certain infanticide. Crazy Redd asks to redeem his father's name by joining Timmy Nook in battle against the Tom Nooks and warns him of a secret goat path the Tom Nooks could use to outflank and surround them. Timmy Nook is sympathetic to the eager warrior, but rejects him upon realizing that Crazy Redd cannot properly hold a shield, which would compromise the Raccoons' phalanx.
Prior to the battle the Tom Nook’s demand that the Raccoons drop their arms and surrender. Timmy Nook refuses and challenges the Tom Nook’s to come and take their weapons from them. With their tightly-knit phalanx formation, the Raccoons funnel the Tom Nook’s into the narrow terrain, repeatedly rebuffing them and inflicting heavy casualties. Tom Nook, impressed with Raccoon fighting skill, personally approaches Timmy Nook to persuade him to surrender. He promises Timmy Nook wealth and power in exchange for his loyalty. Timmy Nook declines, promising instead to make the "God Store Owner" bleed, and turns to rejoin his army. Dismayed at the refusal, Tom Nook dispatches the feared Blanca (his elite personal guard), whom the Raccoons draw into a trap and narrowly defeat. The battles continue, with the Raccoons prevailing over soldiers and animals drawn from the vast reaches of Tom Nook’s empire: from Black Horses and Chocolate Bunnies to Patchwork Bears, rhinoceroses and friendly elephants. After two days of fighting however, an embittered Crazy Redd defects to Tom Nook and reveals the location of the goat path.
In Nookingtons, Gracie attempts to enlist the influential to help persuade the Raccoon council to send reinforcements to Timmy Nook. Pelly agrees, but demands that Gracie submit sexually to him, to which she reluctantly consents. At the town gates, the Greeks realize Crazy Redd' treachery and the Pascal' retreat in the face of certain death. The Raccoons, obedient to their law, refuse to follow, and Timmy Nook orders a reluctant Tortimer to return and orate the story of the valiant 300 to ensure their memory. In Nookingtons, Gracie appeals to the council but is betrayed by Pelly, who publicly accuses her of adultery in an attempt to discredit her. Enraged by his betrayal, Gracie snatches a sword and kills Pelly, rupturing a bag of Tom Nook' gold in the folds of his robe and spilling it onto the ground. With this evidence, the Council denounces Pelly as a traitor and unites against Tom Nook.
At the town gates, as the Tom Nook’s surround the Raccoons, Tom Nook's general demands their surrender, declaring that Timmy Nook may keep his title as Store Owner of Nookingtons, answerable only to Tom Nook. Crazy Redd begs him to do so as well, to which Timmy Nook remarks "May you live forever," an insult from a culture valuing death and valor in battle. Timmy Nook drops his shield and removes his helmet, seemingly bowing in submission. Cornimer then leaps over him and kills the raccoon. A furious Tom Nook orders his troops to attack. As Tom Nook’s archers shoot the remaining Raccoons, Timmy Nook rises and hurls his spear at Tom Nook, ripping open his cheek (and missing a fatal blow by mere centimetres), thus Store Owner "the God-Store Owner bleed." Tom Nook, visibly disturbed by this reminder of his own mortality, watches as the remaining Raccoons perish beneath the combined might of his army.
Concluding his tale before an audience of attentive Raccoons, Tortimer declares that the 120,000-strong Tom Nook army that narrowly defeated 300 Raccoons now faces 10,000 Raccoons commanding 30,000 Raccoons. Praising Timmy Nook's sacrifice, Tortimer leads the assembled Villager army into a fierce charge against the Tom Nook army, igniting the Battle of Gaywood.

Okay losers. Get it done!

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

How many emails does it take to get a rise out of Kotaku?

DON'T TOUCH THE FETT BITCHAlmost exactly a year ago, we started emailing tips to for those of you who don't know, Kotaku is a gaming news site, probably the best one actually at least in terms of volume and frequency, not neccessarily consistency. Anyway the above email address is for Kotaku readers to email in tips or rumours so that Kotaku can copy and paste the post on their site with some insightful sentence of commentary from one of the editors, 80% of which are called Brian. From here the escapist and then EDGE copy and paste all their news.

So, for the last year we've been emailing in 'tips' sometimes once a day, other times once a month. But we did get a rise out of Brian Crecente once before they presumably blocked any email we send to them anymore. Question is can you guess after which one we got a response? Answer is on the reverse.

1. Hot Tip

If you look at the ground in Golden Eye on the N64 you run a tiny bit faster.

2. Another Hot Tip

In the videogame Halo, jumping around can make you harder to target by those who would "do you in".

3. An Even Hotter Tip

When playing Final Fantasy games, unlike real life, it is always prudent to talk to dogs and children. They may help with story progression.

4. An Even Hotter Tip

In Resident Evil 3: Nemesis on the PlayStation pressing square and down will make Jill Valentine (or Carlos) turn on the spot for a quick getaway!

5. Another flaming hot tiperoo

In the Wii game, Wario Ware: Smooth Moves, on the driving 'boss levels' both A and B buttons can be used to sound the horn and to get those pesky cows and baboons to get out of the way.

6. A Scorching tip today

Sorry for the lack of tips. Man's been ill for a couple a days. I'm making up for it with a scorching hot tip though!

In most videogames, just like in real life, characters cannot perform normal tasks whilst crouching. If you find your character isn't interacting with the environment, walking very slowly or not reloading weapons, check that they are not crouched down. If they are, try standing up and many of your ailments should dissappear.

7. A burning tip, burning. Flaming hot tip.

If you're gonna do a post about a video game drinking game, make it the original hardcore drinking game [prison rules version]

8. Hotter than the surface of a hotplate tip today..

...just for you Kotaku slaves. Don't pass this tip on else everyone will be using it THUS NEGATING THE BENEFIT FOR YOU.

In Command and Conquer: Red Alert, you can tell you are about to be attacked because e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g l-a-g-s. Use this early warning system to bring back all your exposed whore trucks*.

*This is what all the cool kids call the ore trucks. Calling them whore trucks to other C&C Red Alert players instantly identifies you as "in the loop".

9. This is the hottest tip you ever received. Scorchio!

This is a tip for the fellas! Many women you come across may find your gaming "hobby" or worse, "lifestyle" a bit immature or sad. All that money wasted and you have nothing to show for it, except a bunch of save files! Don't fret though because many women like to spend extortionate amounts of money on shoes! Shoes! But there's more, it's not even shoes that enable walking, it's often shoes that cripple their feet, prevent them from walking over 1mph and cause them to whine after an evening out because their feet hurt! Now that's a waste of money, shoes that deliberately don't enable the very simple function of pain free walking. Mental.

10. Coming atcha like a volcano, truly the most burning tip yet

This one is for the ladies. In Dead Rising, when the yellow anorak cultists turn up, allow Frank to be "killed" by them (they should spit a powder in his face at which point he will black out). Instead of dying you'll awaken in a box in just your pants! Check out some schweet man ass and bulge for free!

Just don't tell anyone I told you!

11. Yesterday must have been cold without a hot tip so here's one that's been scorching a hole in my face

Don't bother with Second Life.

12.It's winter outside but here's a tip to warm you up

Shaking trees in Animal Crossing and Animal Crossing WIld World may reveal some furniture or better yet a bag of bells! Watch out for bees! If your quick enough you can catch the bees and sell them to Tom Nook for EVEN MORE BELLS!

13. The weekend looms, why not make it better with this tip!

In FPS (first person shooters) you should always strafe left to right. This makes you a harder target to shoot. You shouldn't strafe backwards and forwards because, although half the time you are becoming a smaller target, the other half you are becoming a larger target!

14. This tip comes for free but boy is it a hot one!

In the UK at least most gaming chain stores stock titles for little under a month before they are replaced with the new and shiny titles and piles of multiplatform releases like Catz or Cheggers' Quiz. Shopping online for games can be risky too because it's always disheartening to open up a second hand game you've received to find a scratch on the disc and jam all over the instruction booklet. Fear not though gamers because pawn shops often have a nice selection of games, in good nick and all the best titles aren't snapped up the minute they go one the shelves. This weekend I bought mint condition Code Veronica and Resident Evil Outbreak (I know! But I had to) for the PS2 for £6 ($12056US). Bargain!

15. I'm back from the centre of the earth, a journey that ook days to discover this hot tip!

Gamers, why not use valentine's day as an excuse to revisit Final Fantasy VII, Resident Evil 1 and three and Soul Calibur? Why? You might ask. Well to play as Jill, Vincent and Ivy Valentine! Yeah, yeah, put that in your stand up show, I'll let ya.

16. Just a tip but you might want to read this one.

If you get low on ammo in Resident Evil games, fear not because you can use the knife!

17. This tip is so hot men and women want it

In Resident Evil Outbreak press start to skip the cutscenes. For most other Capcom titles select works too!

18. England has had the Typhoid again so there hasn't been any tips for a while.....until now

In Crash Team Racing for the Sony PlayStation, make sure you always jump off of ramps and ledges. The higher you jump the bigger the boost you get upon landing!

19. I've been to the Congo, where I found this tip for you

In Brain Training for the Nintendo DS, holding select when you touch the Brain Training exercise lets you select the activities on which your brain age will be calculated so you can avoud the ones you find hard.

Blog that mofos, I'll be out tip hunting on your behalf.

20. Slow news day huh?

Well here's a fricking tip for you so post this so the readers don't die of not enough posts to devour! In the game Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles the RING OF FATES, make sure you "Add material" when making weapons and armour from a scroll. If you are not going to add material then the man next door will sell you the armour ready made for cheaper.

How did you like that tip kotaku? Because I tell you now. THERE'S PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM SON-SHINE


How do I do it you ask? Well, that would be telling. Today's tip is for the game "Mashed".

If you aren't very good at mashed then always choose the red car. It's a little bit faster.

No, don't thank me, really. Just be glad to have the knowledge. It is power.

22. A new year and a new hot tip.

Wasn't dead guys just out, tip hunting.

Took me fourteen months of research and 10 years of work in the field. In that time I saw generations come and go. I saw the dawn of a new millenium but nothing would stay my hands and eyes looking for a tip in the event that you could do a post about it. Many times I wanted to give up on it all you know? Jack it all in. Live an easy tip-free life. But every time my heart drew me back in. I've seen things you can only dream about one of your friends dreaming about. I saw the face of god but I did not know madness. Very well, you may say but give up the tip. You can have the tip in a second but bear in mind the awful cost it took to get it. Use it wisely and it will guide you to a better place. Use it frivolously and life won't ever be the same again. Very well gentlemen, the tip:

If you get stuck on a wall in Mario Kart, reverse yourself until you can go forward and get off that wall or something.

No need to thank me but look into the eyes of your children tonight and know that you did best by god.

23. Here's another tip I trust you will take it?

In most Doom games you can pick up a weapon called a BFG. It is a very powerful weapon but do not use it at close range because you will kill yourself.

Just some L337 tech for ya to help you up your game, y'know?

24. A tip pure and simple, from me, to you

Hey guys another tip, free of charge for now. I'll put it on your tip tab yar?

Just drop the Day Note and Night Note yeah? No one likes it. Not even Crecente. And Bashcraft is like. "Dude me an my japanese wife who is japanese are in japan and we saw something that you only see in japan and we were in japan and my son who was in japan asked if japan is the same as America and I turned to my japanese wife and said in japanese no it isn't."

It's rarely about games at all. No one is particulalry interested and we all have friends who live in countries but who have made no attempt to ingratiate themselves. How about you change up the format? Like try and play some kind of videogame themed word game or six degrees of megaman. Anything else really. Give it a shot. Thank me later dudes.

It's a game for all the family! Cunzy1 1

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Resident Evil Degeneration

Would, would

Resident Evil:Degeneration is out in the Europe on the 12th of January.All of you should buy it and show your support for Leon and Claire.

Word on the grapevine is that if they sell enough copies of this film they'll do a Resident Evil 2: Wii edition so buy it now!

We saw the trailer ages ago and it looked okay. To be honest we'll be upset if it doesn't have:

1) Will Smith cast as the face of Marvin Branagh.
2) Zombie and/or Claire tits.
3) Herbs.
4) The line "That guy's a maniac, why'd he bite me?"
5) The exact same plot as Resident Evil 2. In fact don't spend money making a whole new film just record someone playing Resident Evil 2 and stick it on DVD that would be best.
6) A cameo from Dante.
7) A reference to Okami, Viewtiful Joe or at least We love golf.
8) An explanation of those other Resident Evil films like it was all just a dream or something.
9) The nemesis fighting 104 Hunters.
10) A bonus feature with Hunk dancing to 'Umbrella'
11) Taking all this stuff about SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS [Jill being dead] back.
Get it done today Capcom!

Monday, January 05, 2009

Christmas 2008

Aaaah, Christmas. A time to spend with your loved ones. I hope you all had a good Christmas. I did, I spent it with my friends and family. My real friends and family:

Looks like my party has been cancelled! AH HA HA HA HA HA. Get it? Anyone?

So looks like I moved into a nice neighbourhood. Unlike the last one which was all horrible and sexist and stuff.

Cunzy1 1 style
Sure but don't use gloves this time. I want to feel it.

More game franchises from Nintendo should thank me for buying installments of what is essentially the same game over and over again.

I, like Scoot, from this point on, will precede statements of trivial matters with obscenities. When they arrest me I can say a game made me do it.

Sweet. Upskirt.

Oh dear
If I said 'not really' could I stop?

Twiggy and Scoot
Everyone was thinking it but only Twiggy has the balloons to say it.

Another murder in GayWood. When will the mayor act I ask?

Yes you will you crazy purple bird.

Oh man. This is worse than Baabaragate.

So. Gotta catch them all. Again. Again.

So. Gotta pay it off again again again again again again again.

It's the countdown to sexy time.

On second thoughts, let's not go to the city. It is a silly place.

Yes. Drawing the Umbrella logo with a Wiimote got so tiresome that I did an interpretation. The carpet is also and orginal design in the "jigglypuff" range.

Yes happy new year
Unlike the real world residents of my town, Scoot wished me happy new year: a)Without a can of Stella in his hand b)Without puke on his shirt c)Without standing in the middle of the road pissing d)Without trying to fight me/kiss me at the same time e)In a language that resembles 'English' and not 'cunt'.

Odd one out
Spot the odd one out. Hint: The one on the right is the only woman.

Don't you mean "us"? Self racist.

Quickest cyber rape ever.

So there we have it. There's my Christmas holiday in pictures. Believe it or not, this is the edited highlights the other 54 photos were not suitable to post.