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Showing posts from November, 2009

Warning new term approaching: Kuntaku

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As some of our more diligent readers are aware we don't like Kotaku very much. For those of you who are not so diligent and here because you were linked here, these are the reasons we don't like it:

1. The colour scheme.
2. The half truths and rumours. The dodgy reporting and then reposting their own failed reporting as some kind of flaw in 'games journalism'.
3. The dross you have to sift through... Nobody cares (and if you do, you really need to rethink your priorities) about the latest maximum risky doll from a 10 year old jRPG.
4. Day/night note. We thought we killed it off but it has come back. Remember kids, you should buy Arcade Mania.
5. I have never laughed with Kotaku, only at it. To say it is devoid of genuine grown up humour is being overly generous.
6. It's too American. Way too much attention on tits. There are even better parts on a woman (hint:around the armpit and pantsu regions work well) and almost no talk of the wang despite 25% of their write…

Microfanficcing- Our Story.

We've literally just invented microfanficcing everybody. And now after all the lies, plagiarism and law suits we're now ready to tell our story about how it all started.

Richie: Well it all started when we I was excited about the Chocobo for the Xbox 360 avatars.
Cunzy1 1: Yeah. I was ridiculing him for having a light sabre, chocobo and megatron hat and being over the age of 15.
Richie: That's right. Well I went on to say that the only reason I wanted the chocobo was to pretend I was Irvine from Final Fantasy 8 and get to bad touch Selphie.
Cunzy1 1: Then... oh god this sounds so bad. Then we went on to talking about Zell. I mean here is this guy in this band of merry men each with different skillz and all he can do is punch people.
Richie: He doesn't even have a dog.
Cunzy1 1: Exactly and then I asked Richie what he called Angelo because I called Angelo 'bitch' so Rinoa's limit break was Bitch Strike and Bitch Rush. Then Richie fan ficked the Bitch name origin s…

Why games are not art.

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Did you see what I did there? The games are/aren't art thing is long dead. Nobody talks about it anymore and we're not ones to be ahead of the curve! However watching some of the top artists and art critics talk absolute bollocks about what is or isn't even good or bad art in the excellent Saatchi's Best of British TV show has inspired this post. We are not ones to bore you all to death with information written in paragraphs. Our preferred method is the list:

1) Games are of too broad appeal. From a midnight addiction to Minesweeper through to the latest mini game on the iphone. Everyone has at some point played a game. It is really hard to be elitist when everyone knows what you are talking about and can call you out on the BS. So games aren't art because it is too popular. Also, a game which nobody has played makes headlines for a scene taken out of context. A tunnel in which an artist rapes people barely makes Gawker media. People care about games even if it is i…

Why I hate Street Fighter [Maximum Risky]

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All the time, the cold lonely empty silence of the comments section and TGAM's email inbox seems to be asking me "Why if you are the official Capcom website do you never do anything on the Street Fighter series?". I'm sure that is what the silence asks of me. And if I were to answer it, my answer would be a three parter. Firstly, why do we only seem to ever write about Pokemon and Resident Evil? This is the bigger concern. Why pick out Street Fighter? Jeez. Secondly, I hate Street Fighter but it isn't because I think the fighting genre hasn't progressed at all in over a decade, it isn't because now there are stupid bars everywhere and nobody tells me what each of them mean or how to activate any of them so I just button mash until something explosiony happen and it isn't even because 'So there is this fighting tournament' has been the standard plot for fighting games since forever. Thirdly, the real reason why I hate Street Fighter is because …

The six degrees of Dante

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From Dante to Mario. Can it be done? Started off quite hard because we figured we couldn't get out of Capcomland. But here's how it is done kids.

Dante-Viewtiful Joe courtesy of Viewtiful Joe.

Viewtiful Joe-Ryu courtesy of Tatsunoko vs Capcom

Then we go Ryu to Mitsurugi courtesy of Namco X Capcom

Then we go from Mitsurugi to that Link chap via Soul Calibuuuur 2.

And finally from Link to the podgy plumber via Superu Smashu Brotheru!


Can you do it with less degrees? Do have a go. And while you are at it see if you can beat:

Mickey Mouse to Sonic the Hedgehog- 4 degrees.
Master Chief to Solid Snake- 3 degrees (cheating a bit).
Megatron to your own Mii- 2 degrees.

And if you can get those you can get practically anywhere! Anywhere worth going anyway. Characters with no degrees to anybody just aren't worth it people.

Lady Gaga - Gagame

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Exclusive: Lady Gaga: Glitz, Glamour and Gaming.



Ok well... when we heard about this we were worried that it was going to be some kind of soulless cash-in, but after chatting with the (undisclosed) developer we have reconsidered our stance a little.

"We are attempting to encapsulate Gaga's individual fashion, glitz and glamour and translate that to a playable medium. It is not our intention to create some droll dress-up aimed for tweens, we want to create something iconic and playable, essentially a game worthy of the uberstyle that Gaga herself represents. Without giving too much away, fashion and music will feature highly in the game, along with re-imagining of many of the current gaming themes on the maket, but with a Gaga-twist."

There you go, yet another Thatguys exclusive.

Love and Disco-Sticks,

Richie XXX

Miyamoto tries to justify 2D

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Artist rendition of how Miyamoto actually sees the world.

So recently he said:

“I don’t think everything needs to be 3D, or that just because we’re seeing more 2D games now, that everything’s going to shift back to 2D. Instead, I think that what’s going on is that people are realizing the benefits of a 3D game, and at the same time, remembering what the benefits of 2D games were. When going 2D, you need the courage to not be so attached to visual appearance of the games and to really pursue the gameplay experience.”

Interestingly this also reads well if you replace 2D for SD (Standard Definition/Poor-man's TV)

“I don’t think everything needs to be HD, or that just because we’re seeing more SD games now, that everything’s going to shift back to SD. Instead, I think that what’s going on is that people are realizing the benefits of a HD game, and at the same time, remembering what the benefits of SD games were. When going SD, you need the courage to not be so attached to visual appearan…

Needed: Fanfiction

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Well the Hunk competition is over. After two years we've had no entries. This can be taken as proof that you can't trust the Machinima community. Fuck you Machinima community. Fuck you.

How will the fanfiction guys fare? We're running another competition (wow now we're just like the official Mega Man site!). As you may well now, Wesker is to appear as a rip off DLC pish in Lost Planet 2. What we want to know is how did he get there?

Feel free to dick around with the "Resident Evil Canon" as Capcom so frequently do but do make sure your fic. contains the following elements:

1) Barry Burton's daughters Polly and Moira.
2) Tits McGee from Dead Rising.
3) Dante slicing a whole train in half.
4) A non racist justification for Sheva's totally racist costume in RE5.
5) Jill and Rebecca talking about who they fancy in S.T.A.R.S.
6) Cheryl Jones' supplementary mission in it's entirety.
7) A recurring joke about how Mega Man is into Moira Burton.
8) Tofu.
9) Morri…

GOTY 2009

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Oooh ooh you have to shoot civilians! Boo hoo! It's all a bit morally challenging. SHUT UP. SHUT UP MW2 PRICKS. Nobody gives a shit anymore because we talking bout MUTHAFUCKING TOFU:



You can shove your DLC, your customisable characters, your Valve Pish, your Fallout 3 stories. It's over. End of day. Shut up shop. Time at the bar. This is it people. Nobody does games with Tofu in them like Capcom.

Review of Darkside Chronicles based on the single above screenshot: Game of the year. Game of the year. End of. Game of the century even! It's got Tofu in it. What more do you want? Tofu. Can I say anymore? No. But I will and that it muthafucking Tofu up in this muthafucking, muthafucka.

This puts the Robot Invasion back at least 29 years.

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Sorry guys, look like our fantasy of being taken over by robots and molested and dissected for pure mechanical fiends' entertainment isn't going to be this year. Look like all so Scy-Fy (yeah!) writers were wrong again.

Robots have only just learned, been programmed, become remotely controllable worked out how to do corners so that Pac Man can be played very very slowly.

Sadly this means sex robots are still at least 1500 years away people :(

1m Xboxes may become ex-boxes

Was the front page news the Metro was running today. Is it the first ever gaming news front page in a publication with semi-decent circulation? Probably. Anyway to the story as reported by the Metro.

One gamer, cut off by MS had this to say:

"I was gutted, completely gutted. It's like telling someone their dog's just died"

Our thoughts on this. 1) Why is only people in newspapers say gutted. They are always gutted about things in newspapers but we all know nobody actually says gutted since the late 90s. 2)It is not like telling someone their dog just died because normally dogs last longer than a console generation, you can play with your dog any time regardless of whether you are connected/Xbox is working, you can entertain more than two people with a dog at any one time without having to set up Rock band, people know what a dog is, a dog is fully compatible with any dogs you may already have, girls are interested in dogs, you can take your dog outside or on holiday and…

Nintendo supports cheating Cockbags

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As if you needed more reasons to not play your Wii, here are 2 massive ones:

Ant and Dec


Fig. 1. Ant and Dec are playing Mario Kart, as you can see they are also making racist Asian faces, furthering their racist stereotyping, they are likely playing badly.

Fig. 2. Ant and Dec are amused that the DS has 2 screens.

Fig. 3. Ant and Dec playing with the Wii balance board, I couldn't think of anything funny here... Just observe their massive shiny foreheads and perhaps pretend they are making "NEEEEOOOW" Aeroplane noises 


For those of you who don't know (i.e. outside of the UK) Ant and Dec are a TV presenting duo lacking any sort of talent. They are huge corporate cash-ins who are involved in pretty much every reality show in some shape or form. There is very little spark of life left in their eyes, further likening them to a money driven automatons and I'm sure you can envision where you insert the cash.

Cheating Cockbags?

Yeah for some reason, possibly…

Bayonetta Promo

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And this years most underwhelming promotion in video games goes to....

...

...

...

*Rustles envelope*

...

...

A quiet hush captures the ceremony

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...


Congratulations Bayonetta!!!

Nobody cares.

Love and hugs.

I find Mr Vaz's Modern Warfare outrage arousing,

Richie X

Obligatory Modern Warfare Post

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Yeah well, we cant really call ourselves a gamer website without mentioning this.

Consider it mentioned.

Oh and by the way, Makro have it for £20, that's the cheapest in the UK.

Love and Hugs,

Right between the eyes Richie X

Keith Vaz again (groan)

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Theif and MP Keith 'clueless' Vaz, having got over being ridiculed for various tedious and hyperbolic lambasting of games based on no evidence whatsoever once again gets in the Daily Mail off the back of "outrage" at a big game launch this time over Modern Warfare 2.

Read all abaaaaat it here "Outrage as new video game lets players kill civilians in terror attacks".

Bored, bored, bored. Surely Mr Vaz has more important things to be sorting out? Or maybe he could plough back all that money he skimmed from the tax payer into fixing Leicester before attacking games? Change the tune Vaz. You're so out of your depth once again. How about instead of knee jerking every time you want a bit of press coverage, you do some proper research into the non issues you soap box? God knows the UK government is so shit at supporting the games industry, to be even more damaging when you make moronic comments is insult to injury. Do you want to drive the games industry abroad? …

Dragonage of consent?

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So am I looking forward to Dragonage?

You bet I fucking am! Its a huge expansive RPG on the 360!! (And some other platforms I think Sony's will run it. And I believe if you have a PC bought in the last 45 minutes it should run). Admittedly its a middle-earthy RPG with Orcs and Elves and whatnot, however Oblivion (the other middle-earthy RPG on the 360) has redeemed my faith that these archetypes no longer belong to Tolkien-fappers (Dwarves are just the right height to chow down on my "Garden of Elrond"*), Blizzard, and D&D mouth-breathers.

Anyway I'm gonna lube up and find my industry contacts and get this game before Friday assuming I'm not too humiliated or the welts are still open.

*Yes this is referring to lady bits, see we're not sexist we know that girls fap over obscure images too.

DragonLove,

DragonRichie XX

Sigh!

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Yes people an exclaimed SIGH! This is the cause of the now doubly exclaimed sigh!!.



We are literally sitting two clicks away from a whole section on wikipedia called List of Disney video games by genre Mickey Mouse Series.

That Guys Interviews Again!

The other day we were reading the TGAM archives and laughing out loud at ourselves. Out loud. That’s pretty wrong no? But it was when we were reading the TGAM archives that we realised that WE ARE FUCKING GAMING CELEBRITIES!

Yes folks, without actually knowing it we went from mediocrity to gaming celebrity stardom. Like that news about the goose that levelled up and became a swan that time. Here is the story about how we discovered we were celebrities (this will probably be in our second autobiography when we publish our book now we are gaming celebrities).

We got a link on Kotaku once and not one of those news stealing links a proper link for creating something unique.

Our best friend totally met Pentadact, secretly James secretely Tom at University. He even emailed him to check and Tom emailed back. What a nice chap.

We insult Richard Cobbett on a regular basis and he doesn’t even hate us.

We interviewed that photographer who did the Devil May Cry shoot for Front magazine.

We are listed a…