Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Do they know its Christmas time at all?

Yes. It is indeed Xmas. The time of year for family, eating, drinking from 11am, presents and sleeping. But as Sir Bob highlighted we should also think about all those people living in the third world who don't get to celebrate christmas at all.



They also get stomped on by a dungaree wearing maniac too. Sucks to live in the third world.

Believe it or not, this post was inspired by an excellent joke in ONM issue 51. Kidding you, I am not.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Joke of the day


This one is from the only other fellowgaming celebrity Leigh Alexander.

"I prefaced this post with a reminder of the business realities major blog networks face because I find it hard to believe that Brian, who taught me quite a great deal about going the extra mile on news reporting -- because our audience deserves the whole truth -- would thumbs-up a porn star's "celebrity" advice column unless it were part of a larger and necessary Gawker initiative"

Brian Kotaku Brian? The whole truth? Good one Leigh. Good one.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Charlie Brooker on games..

Read it. The first part of the article is excellent observational humour and the whole thing sms up the frustration most of gamer kind has come across at some point. Brooker even picks up on the lack of gaming celebrities thing.

However. A few comments down and we get the age old console wars stuff, some game snobbery, LULZ I'm a girl, aren't games addictive? etc. the usual stuff.

Games may have become a bit more widely appreciated but gamers sure as hell aren't. I'm officially ex-communicating the gaming community until it levels up a bit.

Starting.

Now.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Our new favourite video game character

What a muggy cuntIs this muggy cunt in Wii Fit Plus (on the right in the image above). I don't know how he is voiced in other territories but he sounds like a proper geeza in the PAL version. Here are a selection of sound bites:

"Punch it! Don't touch it up you muggy cunt"

"Alright you muggy cunt let's box this mush"

"I'm a cockney I'm a cockney"

"Ening staaaaaaaaaad. Ening staaaaaaaad"

"Jog on you muggy cunt"

"Ya muvva ya muvva ya muvva. And ya faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaava"

"Love a duck you muggy muvva"

"Cost you a pony you muvva"

We don't even know his name but we love him. Excercise and video game characters have never been so fun. We can't wait for him to get his own sequel Wii Geezer. Basically you spend the whole game selling pineapples, driving taxis and taking shanks's pony everywhere. IMPROMPTU REVIEW BASED ON CONCEPT ALONE; Excellent characterisation and a good storyline but some of the balance board controlled sections (particularly the backtracking comments about bloody foreigners to someone of dual heritage mission) feel a bit contrived. 7.5/10.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Saboteur Review: Kotaku are Racist badmen



As many of you are aware "The Saboteur" came out today. Its a little 3rd person romp through Nazi occupied France, you play an Irishman being a pest to everything Nazi-esque. It's being praised as gritty, dark and atmospheric, but castrated with moderate gameplay. It's a bit of a faux pas releasing anything even slightly 3rd person-y with Assassins Creed 2 still going hot from the shelves, especially one which looks and feels like Altaïr in Nazi France. Negativity aside its a better experience than it is a game. But lastly and most importantly the game has boobs. That's right tits, titties, mammaries, breasticles, jugs, melons, jumper puppies .

Because the game is set in France it has, of course, got the lumpenproletariat, bohemian, mid-war desperation. And what better to illustrate that than Burlesque shows and Gambling!




Where there are people trying to make money there are always boobs:




Cant see them?



Now you don't need to even play the game!


But yeah, bewbies aside. You'll notice I referred to Kotaku as "Racist Badmen" this is their comment on the "Feckin' hard" difficulty" setting:


"The Saboteur might be in France, but its maximum-strength difficulty is all Irish, reflecting the nationality of its protagonist. Although - help me out here, United Kingdomians, I thought "fookin'" would be the onomatopoeic for the Emerald Isle's f-word adjectival."

It sparked off quite a few angry remarks from the commenters to the (excuse the vernacular) Kotakuians*, and quite rightly!

1. Ireland is NOT in the United Kingdom.
2. They clearly ignorant as to the onomatopoeic sound (otherwise referred to as "accent") of the Irish.
3. You know at least one of them will claim to be Irish or Scotch despite being born in America.
4. I pity anyone who has not seen Father Ted.
5. They could have just fucking/fecking looked it up! Is Google/Wikipedia not available in the colonies?

*Pronounced "Coynte"

Expect nothing less,

Richie XXX

Playstation is 15 years old

That means it's still not legal :(

But yeah statutory rape jokes aside, fifteen years ago we were eyeing up that one big parcel under the tree crossing our fingers that it was a Playstation!

Then on 25th being delighted and playing Demo1 over and over. Ah memories Tomb raider, Crash Bandicoot, Broken sword, Descent, Wipeout, and that weird thing where you could control a T-Rex...

Yeah so 15 years, bet that makes you feel old!

Merry playstaionmas,

Richie XX

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Pop Quiz: Umbrella Chronicles Edition.

You are inappropriately dressed and have been shot and fallen down a fuck off huge long ass metal shaft, probably bumped down the sides a bit and landed on a cold hard metal floor and then had to carry around a Rocket Launcher to throw to your "boyfriend". Racked with pain, alive against all the odds and probably going to die. What would you do next?

a) Phone an ambulance ASAP. My bones are broken. The pain, the pain how am I not dead.
b) Just lay there and hope to bleed out sooner rather than later.
c) As above with crying.
d) Put some bandages on my horribly broken limbs and then limp slightly.

CHOOSE YOUR ANSWER NOW





























The correct answer was d) just put some bandages on and get on with it and SPOILERS kill a whole bunch of hunters, dogs, zombies, lickers and a weird stone Tyrant thing.

If you answered a), b) or c) then you aren't cut out for the worst spy ever industry I am afraid. Try your luck at retail management or maybe customer service?

Monday, November 30, 2009

Warning new term approaching: Kuntaku


As some of our more diligent readers are aware we don't like Kotaku very much. For those of you who are not so diligent and here because you were linked here, these are the reasons we don't like it:

1. The colour scheme.
2. The half truths and rumours. The dodgy reporting and then reposting their own failed reporting as some kind of flaw in 'games journalism'.
3. The dross you have to sift through... Nobody cares (and if you do, you really need to rethink your priorities) about the latest maximum risky doll from a 10 year old jRPG.
4. Day/night note. We thought we killed it off but it has come back. Remember kids, you should buy Arcade Mania.
5. I have never laughed with Kotaku, only at it. To say it is devoid of genuine grown up humour is being overly generous.
6. It's too American. Way too much attention on tits. There are even better parts on a woman (hint:around the armpit and pantsu regions work well) and almost no talk of the wang despite 25% of their writers being gay.
7. Pictures and post headings are not always appropriate.
8. It reads very amateurishly, especially when compared to the other Gawker sites, Gizmodo, io9, and ironically WoWinsider.
9. We resent having to trawl through Kotaku, and only Kotaku for news. Can someone set up another site which filters out all the shit?
10. They get more hits than us and a lot of better sites.
11. Their "Just ignore them and they'll go away" approach to Thatguys. We've sent them at least 300 excellent tips about real news and we've only ever once got a reply.
12. The constant navel gazing.
13. Too many Brians and not enough Keiths.
14. The 'crazy times' of Stephen Dorito who seems to have died as a good writer at the hands of the frat boys club.
15. The properly rubbish and ONMish TGS coverage.
16. The ballbreaking effort required to post comments, get a conversation going and track who commented on what. It's like the battery farm of the deaf except nobody numbered the cages. This and the neonatal amnesiacs which seem to make up the readership makes it a vile inhabitable wasteland for the thinking gamer. A churlish "forum" and god-forbid other 'inclusive' features do a great job at weeding out the dissenters.
17. The incessant inappropriate advertising which brings feedreaders almost to a halt. Or did.
18. Uninventive and boring tags.

But the most annoying part is they recently did a couple of posts without even a nod in our direction:

Exhibit A:
Kotaku:Use of the word: Underboob.
Thatguys: Coined July 2008 by Thatguys.

Exhibit B:
Kotaku: Some drossy article on sexism in games.
Thatguys: Satirical review of sexism in the industry from 2007.

 
Cunt and Otaku,

Richie and Cunzy11 XX

Friday, November 27, 2009

Microfanficcing- Our Story.

We've literally just invented microfanficcing everybody. And now after all the lies, plagiarism and law suits we're now ready to tell our story about how it all started.

Richie: Well it all started when we I was excited about the Chocobo for the Xbox 360 avatars.
Cunzy1 1: Yeah. I was ridiculing him for having a light sabre, chocobo and megatron hat and being over the age of 15.
Richie: That's right. Well I went on to say that the only reason I wanted the chocobo was to pretend I was Irvine from Final Fantasy 8 and get to bad touch Selphie.
Cunzy1 1: Then... oh god this sounds so bad. Then we went on to talking about Zell. I mean here is this guy in this band of merry men each with different skillz and all he can do is punch people.
Richie: He doesn't even have a dog.
Cunzy1 1: Exactly and then I asked Richie what he called Angelo because I called Angelo 'bitch' so Rinoa's limit break was Bitch Strike and Bitch Rush. Then Richie fan ficked the Bitch name origin story.
Richie: And I guess that was the world's first micro fanfic!
Cunzy1 1: Yeah. Yeah it totally was.
Richie: The rest they say is history.


Thanks to TGAm for the exclusive.

Why games are not art.



Did you see what I did there? The games are/aren't art thing is long dead. Nobody talks about it anymore and we're not ones to be ahead of the curve! However watching some of the top artists and art critics talk absolute bollocks about what is or isn't even good or bad art in the excellent Saatchi's Best of British TV show has inspired this post. We are not ones to bore you all to death with information written in paragraphs. Our preferred method is the list:

1) Games are of too broad appeal. From a midnight addiction to Minesweeper through to the latest mini game on the iphone. Everyone has at some point played a game. It is really hard to be elitist when everyone knows what you are talking about and can call you out on the BS. So games aren't art because it is too popular. Also, a game which nobody has played makes headlines for a scene taken out of context. A tunnel in which an artist rapes people barely makes Gawker media. People care about games even if it is in a negative way. Few people care about art.

2) Games are made by too many people. One artist is fine. Two makes a collaboration but the armies that fill the credits of most games today? Too many. The pedestal is not big enough for all of them.

3) Games are too objective. Not completely objective otherwise every game would be like the next (well this does happen). But if somebody makes a rubbish game they would never get away with "I was inspired by Indian immigrants outside my studio". People would just say your game is shit Midway and you are full of bollocks.

4) Games are too demanding. Few works of art would demand that you spend 100 hours engaging with them in order that you could talk to a fellow art enthusiast about the work with some level of authority. In fact with the exception of interactive art and audience participation performance art the only demand made is that people go to an art gallery to feel cultural and stuff. Art critics and the like already write a gazillion volumes on art as it is. Imagine if they got into the games scene. Ugh.

5) Games are too modern. The currency of the art world is private views with plenty of canapes and wine, exclusive tours, self indulgence and making everybody rich. The currency of the gaming community is flame wars on forums, a community wide but individual celebration of a new games launch and the occasional awkward moment IRL. To try to force the community to attend galleries, exhibitions and lectures would ruin a lot of what makes the game community so vibrant.

6) Gamers have a long way to go. It's true. We can't even agree that it is okay to play games on a console, PC or mobile device. Artists have gone meta and can't even agree what is and isn't art (essential a panel of 14 big people in the art world dictate this).

7) Games are too cheap. Well it's no good if everyone* can get their hands on some of the greatest games of all time for barely the price of a blank canvas! How is anyone to feel privileged if they can just download it from steam or buy it off ebay? Stupid games.

8)There is no celebrity culture in gaming. Not necessarily a bad thing but it does mean that celebrating heroes is tricky and as such gamers don't really have much of a voice. Well maybe not yet. Nobody to fight our corner, or go on TV and make sensible comments or to tell the PM to back off unless you know what you are talking about! Yeah. Shit needs to get political.

9) There aren't so many big breasts in art. It is true. There are breasts in art but not so consistently as big as the ones in games. Guys, I really think we need to tone down the breast thing. It's just embarrassing and it is holding us back.

So there we have it. Proof that games are not art. But that is not such a bad thing. It means there's no elitism for one thing. Any more to add to the list? Pop something in the comments then you freak.

*Excludes most of Africa, large parts of South America and Asia.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Why I hate Street Fighter [Maximum Risky]

Double filth

All the time, the cold lonely empty silence of the comments section and TGAM's email inbox seems to be asking me "Why if you are the official Capcom website do you never do anything on the Street Fighter series?". I'm sure that is what the silence asks of me. And if I were to answer it, my answer would be a three parter. Firstly, why do we only seem to ever write about Pokemon and Resident Evil? This is the bigger concern. Why pick out Street Fighter? Jeez. Secondly, I hate Street Fighter but it isn't because I think the fighting genre hasn't progressed at all in over a decade, it isn't because now there are stupid bars everywhere and nobody tells me what each of them mean or how to activate any of them so I just button mash until something explosiony happen and it isn't even because 'So there is this fighting tournament' has been the standard plot for fighting games since forever. Thirdly, the real reason why I hate Street Fighter is because there are no like able characters. They are all goonbods. Totally unlikeable, would not be friends with in real life idiotic posers. At least the Darkstalkers characters are deliberately a total nonsense. This may well make me an Angry Internet Man you may be thinking. There are people starving to death who have never even heard of street fighter. Starving right now. Probably already dead and all you can do with your luxurious life is get angry about some silly videogame because the characters aren't up to your expectations. This is all true but in fact it makes me angrier because now I am jealous of the starvers because at least they haven't been exposed to the clown brigade that make up the Street Fighter crew.

Filthy

Ryu- Or captain generic as he is known by his pals. Boring, boring boring. Just look at him. What does he stand for? Probably goodness and being nice to people but we can all tell he is a bit of a twat. His favourite sandwiches are egg and cress. He actually prefers ready salted crisps and keeps a count of the number of beers he drinks because he doesn't want to get drunk. Probably a christian too. And he punches and kicks. How original Ryu. Punching and kicking. Zzzzzzz

Ken- as annoying as Ryu for all the same reasons and then even extra annoying because he is smug. Only smugs wear red. I also really hate the way his nose bleeds in SSFIITurbo. YOUR OWN NOSE BLOOD IS GOING INTO YOUR MOUTH KEN. Use a tissue. Or just use your PJs. They are red so your nose blood wouldn't even show up on it. You disgusting obnoxious Ryu variant.

Akuma, Dan etc.- All the fake Ryus. Different PJs and a hair cut is all that makes them different. I would also include T-Hawk in this category. Nobody cares. Akuma is emo Ryu and Dan is gay Ryu. Dan is extra annoying because he has a pony tail and also because no matter what buttons you press you always end up doing that sketch at the most inappropriate time. He is even more annoying because he is meant to be annoying but is the least annoying of the Ryu-alikes in the game.

Balrog - Can't even jump. Combo wannabe. Is probably the least dislikable because he is just unlikeable and rubbish.

M Bison Stupid name, stupid hat, stupid moves. And racist. Stupid racist head stomper. What even is a head stomp? Ridiculous. And who wears a cape anymore? Ken. Ken probably wears a cape.

Blanka What is even going on here? Did an intern design this character? Is this what Capcom think Brazilians look like? And that stupid chest hair saves Zangief from having the stupidest chest hair in games. How did he get electricity power? Learned it from the eels or maybe caught it in an electrical storm. Yes of course. Caught it from a storm.

Cammy Leotard wearing fake British girly hair camel toe memory loss.

Chun-Li Chun-Lis constant yipping when she jumps about drives me right up the wall. Also, as you'll see from the delightful images in this post Chun-Li is the nearest to a woman that most sweaty palmed deviant filth freaks will ever get. Nobody cares about her story and I don't think wearing a bra on your head has ever been fashionable.

Filth Chun li nude cheat in street fighter IV

Dhalsim-Capcom racism at it's best but because nobody in Japan or America actually believes in India it's fine.

Guile- Rubbish hair and I don't know about you but I never trust a man who does kicks when he is upside down. So inefficient. He also lisps which isn't a bad thing in itself but does start to grate when all you say is Thonic boom every two seconds.

E-Honda- Pantsu! Plus I really hate people who walk like a crab. What are they trying to prove? Crab walking up and down the place.

Sagat- Sagat reminds me most of somebodies Dad. Somebodies baldy pirate Dad embarrassing his children with those shorts. Almost the most personality free character, were it not for Ryu.

Uber filth Chun Li nude street fighter IV cheat

Zangief is okay actually. I don't mind Zangief. My one complaint would be that he isn't real and that there just isn't as much Zangief deviant filth as there is from slutty titti-head. This is a great shame.

So there we have it people. I understand that there are more characters than that but nobody cares. And I also don't care if it is just "one go". I'm not playing. I hate them all with a passion.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The six degrees of Dante

From Dante to Mario. Can it be done? Started off quite hard because we figured we couldn't get out of Capcomland. But here's how it is done kids.

Dante-Viewtiful Joe courtesy of Viewtiful Joe.
Viewtiful
Viewtiful Joe-Ryu courtesy of Tatsunoko vs Capcom
Best screenshot ever?
Then we go Ryu to Mitsurugi courtesy of Namco X Capcom

Then we go from Mitsurugi to that Link chap via Soul Calibuuuur 2.
It's a story about a mystic inner spirit think and sharp stabbers
And finally from Link to the podgy plumber via Superu Smashu Brotheru!
Funs

Can you do it with less degrees? Do have a go. And while you are at it see if you can beat:

Mickey Mouse to Sonic the Hedgehog- 4 degrees.
Master Chief to Solid Snake- 3 degrees (cheating a bit).
Megatron to your own Mii- 2 degrees.

And if you can get those you can get practically anywhere! Anywhere worth going anyway. Characters with no degrees to anybody just aren't worth it people.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Lady Gaga - Gagame

Exclusive: Lady Gaga: Glitz, Glamour and Gaming.



Ok well... when we heard about this we were worried that it was going to be some kind of soulless cash-in, but after chatting with the (undisclosed) developer we have reconsidered our stance a little.

"We are attempting to encapsulate Gaga's individual fashion, glitz and glamour and translate that to a playable medium. It is not our intention to create some droll dress-up aimed for tweens, we want to create something iconic and playable, essentially a game worthy of the uberstyle that Gaga herself represents. Without giving too much away, fashion and music will feature highly in the game, along with re-imagining of many of the current gaming themes on the maket, but with a Gaga-twist."

There you go, yet another Thatguys exclusive.

Love and Disco-Sticks,

Richie XXX

Miyamoto tries to justify 2D

Artist rendition of how Miyamoto actually sees the world.

So recently he said:

“I don’t think everything needs to be 3D, or that just because we’re seeing more 2D games now, that everything’s going to shift back to 2D. Instead, I think that what’s going on is that people are realizing the benefits of a 3D game, and at the same time, remembering what the benefits of 2D games were. When going 2D, you need the courage to not be so attached to visual appearance of the games and to really pursue the gameplay experience.”

Interestingly this also reads well if you replace 2D for SD (Standard Definition/Poor-man's TV)

“I don’t think everything needs to be HD, or that just because we’re seeing more SD games now, that everything’s going to shift back to SD. Instead, I think that what’s going on is that people are realizing the benefits of a HD game, and at the same time, remembering what the benefits of SD games were. When going SD, you need the courage to not be so attached to visual appearance of the games and to really pursue the gameplay experience.”

Alright Granddad *rolls eyes*

Love and 1ups

Richie

Monday, November 23, 2009

Needed: Fanfiction

Well the Hunk competition is over. After two years we've had no entries. This can be taken as proof that you can't trust the Machinima community. Fuck you Machinima community. Fuck you.

How will the fanfiction guys fare? We're running another competition (wow now we're just like the official Mega Man site!). As you may well now, Wesker is to appear as a rip off DLC pish in Lost Planet 2. What we want to know is how did he get there?

This one is Wesker dipshitsFeel free to dick around with the "Resident Evil Canon" as Capcom so frequently do but do make sure your fic. contains the following elements:

1) Barry Burton's daughters Polly and Moira.
2) Tits McGee from Dead Rising.
3) Dante slicing a whole train in half.
4) A non racist justification for Sheva's totally racist costume in RE5.
5) Jill and Rebecca talking about who they fancy in S.T.A.R.S.
6) Cheryl Jones' supplementary mission in it's entirety.
7) A recurring joke about how Mega Man is into Moira Burton.
8) Tofu.
9) Morrigan x Nemesis.

Don't make it too long. 14 pages should be about right. And remember, be sure to make sure that the story isn't outlandish and we don't want to see any High School AU, Cookie Cutting, Mary Sues or OOC. You have until October 2011.

Cheers.

Monday, November 16, 2009

GOTY 2009

Oooh ooh you have to shoot civilians! Boo hoo! It's all a bit morally challenging. SHUT UP. SHUT UP MW2 PRICKS. Nobody gives a shit anymore because we talking bout MUTHAFUCKING TOFU:

GOTY, 99/10

You can shove your DLC, your customisable characters, your Valve Pish, your Fallout 3 stories. It's over. End of day. Shut up shop. Time at the bar. This is it people. Nobody does games with Tofu in them like Capcom.

Review of Darkside Chronicles based on the single above screenshot: Game of the year. Game of the year. End of. Game of the century even! It's got Tofu in it. What more do you want? Tofu. Can I say anymore? No. But I will and that it muthafucking Tofu up in this muthafucking, muthafucka.

This puts the Robot Invasion back at least 29 years.

Seriously just fuck a vacuum cleaner now and realise the idea is better than the practice

Sorry guys, look like our fantasy of being taken over by robots and molested and dissected for pure mechanical fiends' entertainment isn't going to be this year. Look like all so Scy-Fy (yeah!) writers were wrong again.

Robots have only just learned, been programmed, become remotely controllable worked out how to do corners so that Pac Man can be played very very slowly.

Sadly this means sex robots are still at least 1500 years away people :(

Thursday, November 12, 2009

1m Xboxes may become ex-boxes

Was the front page news the Metro was running today. Is it the first ever gaming news front page in a publication with semi-decent circulation? Probably. Anyway to the story as reported by the Metro.

One gamer, cut off by MS had this to say:


"I was gutted, completely gutted. It's like telling someone their dog's just died"


Our thoughts on this. 1) Why is only people in newspapers say gutted. They are always gutted about things in newspapers but we all know nobody actually says gutted since the late 90s. 2)It is not like telling someone their dog just died because normally dogs last longer than a console generation, you can play with your dog any time regardless of whether you are connected/Xbox is working, you can entertain more than two people with a dog at any one time without having to set up Rock band, people know what a dog is, a dog is fully compatible with any dogs you may already have, girls are interested in dogs, you can take your dog outside or on holiday and you can train a dog to lick your balls.

Ways in which dogs and an Xbox 360 are alike: Both can get red ring of death. None have any decent RPGs for them.

Final analysis: Go microsoft. Brick the fuckers. We hate piracy.

Nintendo supports cheating Cockbags

As if you needed more reasons to not play your Wii, here are 2 massive ones:

Ant and Dec


Fig. 1. Ant and Dec are playing Mario Kart, as you can see they are also making racist Asian faces, furthering their racist stereotyping, they are likely playing badly.

Fig. 2. Ant and Dec are amused that the DS has 2 screens.

Fig. 3. Ant and Dec playing with the Wii balance board, I couldn't think of anything funny here... Just observe their massive shiny foreheads and perhaps pretend they are making "NEEEEOOOW" Aeroplane noises 


For those of you who don't know (i.e. outside of the UK) Ant and Dec are a TV presenting duo lacking any sort of talent. They are huge corporate cash-ins who are involved in pretty much every reality show in some shape or form. There is very little spark of life left in their eyes, further likening them to a money driven automatons and I'm sure you can envision where you insert the cash.

Cheating Cockbags?

Yeah for some reason, possibly media spin, these two have been forgiven for some really shit behaviour on their TV contest shows:

    * selected competition finalists before the telephone lines were announced as closed.
    * staggered the selection of competition finalists which meant that viewers entering the competition did not have a fair and equal chance of winning.
    * selected finalists on the basis of their suitability to be on television and where they lived.
    * selected an individual already known to the production team to be placed on the shortlist of potential winners and who went on to win the competition.
    * on six occasions in the Prize Mountain competition, selected winners based on their suitability to be on screen.
    * failed to account for almost half of the competition entries.


Once a cheater always a cheater.

And despite their mass media charm, you know at the back of your head behind closed doors they are into some fucked up shit, like properly getting off on abusing people/things.

And Nintendo is in bed with them?!?!




On a lighter, prettier, better note!

Girls aloud are all doing it too, it's so cute! look at them, precious... Girls trying to play computer games*

Love and Corporate Whorism

Richie XX


*Actually I fully endorse using girls aloud to advertise, the girls are a remarkable step up from Ant and Dec and are a lot more real (but thankfully not Susan Boyle real). and despite my "Girls trying to play computer games" quip, I also have a feeling they'd kick my ass (at Rock band/Guitar hero). Let's get them doing more with the games industry!!! I'd dig that (naked).

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Bayonetta Promo

And this years most underwhelming promotion in video games goes to....

...

...

...

*Rustles envelope*

...

...

A quiet hush captures the ceremony

...

...


Congratulations Bayonetta!!!

Nobody cares.

Love and hugs.

I find Mr Vaz's Modern Warfare outrage arousing,

Richie X

Obligatory Modern Warfare Post


Yeah well, we cant really call ourselves a gamer website without mentioning this.

Consider it mentioned.

Oh and by the way, Makro have it for £20, that's the cheapest in the UK.

Love and Hugs,

Right between the eyes Richie X

Monday, November 09, 2009

Keith Vaz again (groan)

Moron
Theif and MP Keith 'clueless' Vaz, having got over being ridiculed for various tedious and hyperbolic lambasting of games based on no evidence whatsoever once again gets in the Daily Mail off the back of "outrage" at a big game launch this time over Modern Warfare 2.

Read all abaaaaat it here "Outrage as new video game lets players kill civilians in terror attacks".

Bored, bored, bored. Surely Mr Vaz has more important things to be sorting out? Or maybe he could plough back all that money he skimmed from the tax payer into fixing Leicester before attacking games?
Change the tune Vaz. You're so out of your depth once again. How about instead of knee jerking every time you want a bit of press coverage, you do some proper research into the non issues you soap box? God knows the UK government is so shit at supporting the games industry, to be even more damaging when you make moronic comments is insult to injury. Do you want to drive the games industry abroad? Idiot. Find a real issue to campaign on.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Dragonage of consent?


So am I looking forward to Dragonage?

You bet I fucking am! Its a huge expansive RPG on the 360!! (And some other platforms I think Sony's will run it. And I believe if you have a PC bought in the last 45 minutes it should run). Admittedly its a middle-earthy RPG with Orcs and Elves and whatnot, however Oblivion (the other middle-earthy RPG on the 360) has redeemed my faith that these archetypes no longer belong to Tolkien-fappers (Dwarves are just the right height to chow down on my "Garden of Elrond"*), Blizzard, and D&D mouth-breathers.

Anyway I'm gonna lube up and find my industry contacts and get this game before Friday assuming I'm not too humiliated or the welts are still open.

*Yes this is referring to lady bits, see we're not sexist we know that girls fap over obscure images too.

DragonLove,

DragonRichie XX

Monday, November 02, 2009

Sigh!

Yes people an exclaimed SIGH! This is the cause of the now doubly exclaimed sigh!!.

Well researched

We are literally sitting two clicks away from a whole section on wikipedia called List of Disney video games by genre Mickey Mouse Series.

That Guys Interviews Again!

The other day we were reading the TGAM archives and laughing out loud at ourselves. Out loud. That’s pretty wrong no? But it was when we were reading the TGAM archives that we realised that WE ARE FUCKING GAMING CELEBRITIES!

Yes folks, without actually knowing it we went from mediocrity to gaming celebrity stardom. Like that news about the goose that levelled up and became a swan that time. Here is the story about how we discovered we were celebrities (this will probably be in our second autobiography when we publish our book now we are gaming celebrities).

We got a link on Kotaku once and not one of those news stealing links a proper link for creating something unique.

Our best friend totally met Pentadact, secretly James secretely Tom at University. He even emailed him to check and Tom emailed back. What a nice chap.

We insult Richard Cobbett on a regular basis and he doesn’t even hate us.

We interviewed that photographer who did the Devil May Cry shoot for Front magazine.

We are listed as an industry link on the RamRaider.

We got an emoticon from Graeme Norgate. A true gaming legend.

We once wrote to ONM magazine and they wrote back.

A guy we used to live with is in a photo over on Another Little Dissapointment. We have given our stalkers key information here!

One of us is credited in over a dozen video games!

We fake interviewed Leigh Alexander and then she left us a comment!

We got some love from Rock Paper Shotgun.

This pretty much cements our place as genuine gaming celebrities, which falls just under Z list celebrity in the following classification:

A list celebrities. You did something good once and didn’t disappear. Nowadays you can release crap albums or crap films and nobody says anything because you are that big.

B list celebrities. The people who make the world go round behind the scenes. Directors, music producers and authors. Nobody knows who you are on the street but you get just as many column inches, free coke and blow jobs from C-E listers as those A list fuckers

C list celebrities. Footballers and people who suck off footballers.

Bored of this now, SKIP DOWN PAST Z LIST THEN GO THROUGH THE PUNCTUATION AND THEN ONTO THE NUMBERS.

11. Gaming Celebrities. Famous people who are famous only for doing things related to gaming. Do not confuse Gaming Celebrities with Celebrities that Game (see 24) like that cunt Iaiaiaian Lee and the one who did James Bond after Pierce Morgan.
The first thing we did when we discovered we were gaming celebrities. We had a wank in the mirror, filmed it on a digital camera, transferred the video to the Wii and then did a 100+ piece video puzzle of us repeatedly wanking into the mirror. That’s how fucking next gen we are. Can you do that on an Xbox 360? No? For those of you having gay gaming celebrity fantasies about us around about now, we taped a flattened cardboard box to the mirror so we couldn’t see each others wangs. That would be gay. Except now that we are gaming celebrities being gay sometimes is fine.

The second thing we did when we discovered we were gaming celebrities. We got wank guilt and watched the news (Channel 5).

The next relevant to this post thing we did. Not wanting to miss an exclusive we interviewed ourselves thus improving out own gaming celebrity status considering that we are only the second gaming celebrity to be interviewed following that interview with lovely Leigh Alexander. Here is our first exclusive interview with gaming celebrities TGAM.

TGAM: Welcome TGAM.
TGAM: Hello and may I say what a fantastic pleasure it is to be here, getting interviewed by the World’s Second Best Gaming Blog in the World Ever.
TGAM: You flatter us TGAM but you must be used to all this, after all you did start your career writing for a gaming blog.
TGAM: Well, may I say what an refreshing change it is for bloggers having done some research before the interview.
TGAM: Well that is what you get here. Our commitment to getting the latest news to our readers is our driving force.
TGAM: Well in the states they are saying this year is your year TGAM!
TGAM: They say the same about you TGAM. Now tell us are you familiar with Family Reunion by Blink 182?
TGAM: Yeah. Yeah we know that song.
TGAM: It goes like this: ´Shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits fart turd and twat
shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits fart turd and twat
shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits fart turd and twat
shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits fart turd and twat´

TGAM: Okay, yeah.
TGAM: Then it goes ´I fucked your mom´. Is that song about your mom TGAM?
TGAM has signed out of chat.

So thanks to TGAM. I think you'll agree it was a great interview. Next week: Well hopefully it is someone that doesn't check the blog (= a shitload of people).

The Bona Fide list of confirmed Gaming Celebrities so far: Leigh Alexander, is he/isn't he Gabe Newell and us. For those entrepeneurs starting a gaminbg celebrity version of Heat we have 1500 photos of us, each one we are selling for £4.50, £3.50 for topless ones.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Bayonetta: The tiny head that could?


So our good firends over at the Zeonic Front have gone and made a nice photo shgop edit of bayonetta, in proportion! Well done:




Yeah we concur, the proportions of she-dante were totally out of whack!


Regarding Bayonetta, we have been wrestling (in a non-homosexual way, we just finish each other off in the showers afterwards) over this title for a while. You see it DOES look good, there are some classy Dante-esque manoeuvres, and we all love Devil May Cry. But despite the fact that the DMC genre is not ripped off that much *looks in Kratos' direction*, it is SEGA that is doing the ripping off, and well SEGA suck, they have done nothing but 3/10 forgettable trashy cash-ins. I just cant get excited about this game, ultimately I feel it will be an underwhelming disappointment, Too much hype, to much focus on inferred nudity (and I'm usually a fan, though it helps if their head is not tiny), and too much focus on how great it is gonna be.

Anyone else feeling this?

Putting lotion on it's skin,

Richie X.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Gamer Laureate

NB:
Some things aren't good enough for that other site we occassionally write for. And then sometimes we forget we've some stuff that doesn't get published and then it becomes out of date and then we post it here. Here is one such fine post.

You may all be delighted to have heard of the recent appointment of Carol Ann Duffy as the first female, first Scot and first openly bisexual person to become the poet laureate of the United States of the Kingdom of the UK. Congrats to Carol. Good job. But what does a poet laureate actually do you may ask? Aside from being a staple answer to a pub quiz question (and with three firsts Carol Ann Duffy will be the answer to trivial pursuit questions for many many years to come) a poet laureate composes poetry for state events as well as being a spokesperson for poetry. To disseminate its worth and to kindle the eternal flame of poetry at all costs. After all, there are few forms of media that will help you to get laid, 'I directed a film for you' just doesn't sound right.

It was upon reading about the new poet laureate here that I had a revelation. We need a gamer laureate. By need, I mean need as much if not more than we need a poet laureate. And by a gamer laureate I mean me.

It would be great. You get paid to disseminate the wonders of gaming to the nation, the state and the queen. And don't we need it? As gamer laureate here is my manifesto/action list:

Poetry in screenshot people

1) A public campaign to raise awareness of bad games that should not be bought in any event, even if they are part of a bundle or £20 cheaper than a decent game.

2) I would make it part of my job to publicly challenge celebrities, politicians and international dignitaries at various video games. Would you trust the prime minister better if he was good at Mario Kart? I know I would. Fuck the elitist background, experience and acumen, if the man knew his way around Cheep Cheep Beach he'd do significantly better by me and undoubtedly better in the opinion polls. Similarly, global conflicts might be resolved by a best of 3 game of Dash to Destruction than through a bloody waste of life expensive and unpopular war.

3) I'd be an advocate for the gaming nation and work with other gamer laureates around the world to unite our underground nation. It always surprises me that gamers haven't formed their own nation yet. There's enough of us. Shit. Even if all the Wow players got together that is a respectable mass of people. We could control the world.

4) Work to preserve the gaming heritage. Every year, games slip away into the ether as discs, hardware and code is lost and damaged. As gamer laureate I'd create a national museum of video games. It would be at the V&A because the nation doesn't really need a national museum of clothing, cutlery and crockery. It would be great and at least people might be interested whilst they are museuming in London. It would be a great place to celebrate the achievements of British coders and gamers who, frankly have added more to individuals lives and wider contemporary culture than wanker millionaire artists.

5) Set up a charity national hints and tips phone line. Anyone who has ever seen a google analytic report for a gaming site will know that so many of our fellow gamers don't know how to use google or that gamefaqs even exists. I'd help to set up and run the helpline for gamers in need of that extra bit of advice. Helping gamers all over the nation to complete their games. The helpline would also be available to support victims of griefing, blue shelling, spawn camping and ganking. A demographic currently ignored by government.

6) I'd act as personal gamer to the Queen. If she every wanted to co-op Half Life or play a bit of deathmatch on CoD and Harry and Wills weren't around, I'd be her player 2 (or 3, not 4 though).

7) I'd work with national media to make sure they get their shit straight. No more errors or mistakes when blaming secondary school shootings on games and no more lies in the token 'games' sections in the newspapers and magazines.

8) I'd work hard to make gaming more socially acceptable than wine connoisseurs, bird watchers, foodies and people who play polo. Of course, we are more socially acceptable than these elitist snobbish hobbyists and activities but gaming has had a bad rep for such a long time it barely hovers above fiddie kiddling in the national lists. Support me to put gaming in it's rightful place, above people who waste wine for a hobby.

9) I would be available to play games with people at state events. After all they have to put up with poetry so a spot of minesweeper, micro maniacs or uno wouldn't be out of place. Would it?

10) Hand out the excellence in gaming awards every year. The awards are for those British people who have struggled against the odds to set new high scores, to top international leaderboards or for particularly impressive speed runs. Awards for notable gaming journalism, literature, machinima, fan fiction or audio remixes would also be awarded.


So that's it so far. It's a lot I know but it needs doing. Drop any suggestions in the comments and I'll send it to King Tony Blair to see what he thinks of the whole idea. I promise not to forget about the little people when I get there. x x x

The Ad Man is a Bad Man

Those of you living in the United Kingdom Emirates may have seen a couple of the recent Fallout 3 GOTY edition TV spots. This makes a refreshing change from the constant Wii adverts.

We looked for a relevant video on Youtube but there are so many gameplay videos it was tricky to find. So instead we're going to go back in time to 1950 and explain the advert using only words*.

THE GUY WHO DOES ALL THE VOICEOVERS FOR AMERICAN ACTION FILMS: Play Fwallout 3 NOW!
2 second clip of someone doing a head shot.
2 second clip of someone hitting someone with something else.
2 second clip of someone having an explosive device thrown at them.
2 second clip of someone having something [indistinguishable] violent done to them in slow motion.
THE GUY WHO DOES ALL THE VOICEOVERS FOR AMERICAN ACTION FILMS: Gwame of the Ywear Edition out No[Gravel, gravel, Gravel]w.
1 second shot of credits.
End.

Now we're all for televisual adverts for great games but is the advert really capturing what is truly great about Fallout 3? We thinks no. We think it represents a game so great for many many other things, perhaps great for not focussing so much on all the things the ad highlights. But we also recognise that it is really hard to sell all those lovely extra features in such a short time slot but it doesn't stop us coming up with an alternative version:

You're breaking my heart. You're shaking my confidence daily. This image was the only one I could find that was relevant and the only way in which it is relevant is that it comes from a post about a spade by the excellent Pentadact

TGAM's FALLOUT 3 ADVERT- WORKING TITLE "A Dreamscape's last hiatus".

Black screen to opening of 'Cecilia' by Suggs.
4 minute clip of a player chasing a mutant across a wasteland continuously swiping away with a spade. At the end the mutant escapes and the player starts randomly shooting grass, trees and other scenery with a pistol.
1 second shot of credits.
END

We know which one we think most accurately describes the game. And we would happily make this ad for $4,000.

*We managed to find a computer old enough that would actually let you type in words. Then via a spectrum of younger and younger computers we managed to get it from a 490 inch floppy disk to a USB stick and then onto the internet. If we weren't so tech savvy we could say, hand on heart, that this post wouldn't have otherwise existed.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Dragon Ball Z: Raging Blast - The Inevitable.

Yeah it happened... Delay #1

Where it was previously set for October 23rd UK release. It is now set for a November 13th release.

No news on any new characters... so it looks like we are just on the usual set of DBZ characters, with a few of the movie characters. Though there are rumours circulating of around 4 or 5 extra characters. Which logically will be Hercule (Comedic character), Cell Jr (Spawns of Cell), Saibamen (Little green aliens the Saiyans use) and Janemba (The big bad that fought Goku and Vegeta's combined form, Gogeta, who has already been confirmed, though I suspect that SS3 Broly might be his adversary [interesting, maybe we can get SS3 Gogeta?]).

On a personal note. I would like them to return all the previous characters from previous games, GT aside there was plenty of interesting "What-if" scenarios in the previous games such as Goku and Hercule fusion (Gocule) Tien and Yamcha fusion (Tiencha) and even the addition of the original Dragonball characters (Young Goku, Mercenary Tao, Grandpa Gohan, Yajirobe).

But who knows...

Stay tuned,

I'm always right Richie XX

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Bethesta Announce:

An Elder Scrolls book:



Fuck that shit, get the finger out on Elder Scrolls V! Stop fannying about with Fallout 3 DLC! Jesus...

What we're all thinking,

Richie V

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Breaking News

Internet fiend and Leaderboard legend the Hockster just gave us the tip-off about the new Resident Evil 4 HD version. We're pretty sure this is breaking so you'll see it in a TTECNK on lesser sites soon.

Here is the original:
You thee I am a thpanith giant! Here is Resident Evil 4 HD. You can see that Capcom, fingers burnt from Resident Evil 5, have played it safe and set the whole thing in Asia land.
Expect upskirt shots within minutes. Can't racist yourself! Except you are being racist if you just racist yourself and not everyone. Try again Capcom.

That Guys Interviews.

Gaming is trying hard to be mainstream, even though it already is but not in the way many gamers gamers can appreciate because they are too busy grinding and cyberring to spend enough time in the real world. A world without elves and muscle men and barrels and princesses and invisible walls. One thing that might help the deluded to believe that gaming is more mainstream is if we create some Gaming Celebrities. That way we join the common woman by slating off how fat, ugly, beautiful, stylish, hideous and underweight our favourite gaming people are and we can OMG to our hearts delights every time Jeff Minter takes a crap and it makes headlines.

Our part in all this is to interview the top 100 gaming celebrities pushing them from blogosphere obscurity to the heady heights of celebrity and maybe see them take part in ice skating, ballroom dancing and orgies-on-islands television programmes like real celebrities do.

This is not Leigh Alexander.

We emailed over 500 gaming celebs and we've already got some great names lined up but first, it is our pleasure to reveal our exclusive interview with rising star gaming writer Leigh Alexander. Chances are if you follow the gaming blogs you will have discovered some of Leigh's excellent writing about games from reflective pieces on what it means to be a gamer to some thought provoking articles questioning some of the most common words in a gamers lexicon. Also, despite the fact she has two boys names she is a woman.

TGAM: Hello Leigh and thank you for taking part in our ambitious project and extra kudos to being the first one to get back to us.
LA: It is a pleasure and I kinda appreciate what you guys are doing but not necessarily the way you go about it.
TGAM: One of our most popular posts of all time have been, Danger Women in games. Are you familiar with The Party Song by Blink 182?
LA: Yeah. Yeah I know that song but
TGAM: It goes like this: 'Do you want to come to a party
My friends picked me up in their truck at 11:30
This things at a frat house but the people are cool there
Reluctant I followed but never dreamed there
Would be someone there who would catch my attention
I wasn't out looking for love or affection
So I paid my 3 and the girls got in free
Shine the beer and tequila and we headed into the party
And then in the backyard some terrible ska band
Someone in the background was doing a keg stand
This place is so lame all these girls look the same
All these guys have no game I wish I would have stayed
In my bed back at home watching TV alone
Where I'd put on some porn or have sex on the phone
Far from people I hate down from anywhere state
Trying to intoxicate girls to give them head after the party
And then I saw her standing there
With green eyes and long blond hair
She wasn't wearing underwear at least I prayed that
She might be the one maybe we'd have some fun
Maybe we'd watch the sun rise'
.
LA: Okay
TGAM: Then it goes 'But that night I learned some girls try too hard
Some girls try too hard
Some girls try too hard to impress
With the way that they dress
With those things on their chests
And the things they suggest to me
I couldn't believe what this lady was saying
The names she was dropping the games she was playing
She dated this guy who now rides for Black Flys
How she's down with the Iwise well constructed disguise
Now I'd rather go dateless than stay here and hate this
Her volume of makeup her fake tits were tasteless
So I said I'd call her but never would bother
Until I got turned down by another girl at a party
So when you see her standing there
With green eyes and long blonde hair
She won't be wearing underwear and you'll discover
This girl's not the one and she'll never be fun
You should just turn and run because you'll find out that
Some girls try too hard
Some girls try too hard to impress with the way that they dress
With those things on their chest
And the things they suggest to me'
Do you think that song was written about you Leigh?
LA has signed out of chat.


So thanks to Leigh Alexander. I think you'll agree it was a great interview. Next week: Well hopefully it is someone that doesn't check the blog (= a shitload of people).

Ciao! CZY1 1

Dragon Ball Z: Raging Blast - Goku Balls Naked Super Streetfighter IV: WE DID IT FIRST!!!

HA, this isn't really an update, but more of or crazy conspiracy theory that Kotaku may be "the man" and he is keeping thatguys down, mainly through subliminal hits and Machiavellian conduct. But also sapping and impurifying the precious bloggily fluids with their fluidic and readable posts.

It goes all the way back to Jesus, man! 'Kotaku' in Sanskrit means nothing more than "wanks over graphical representations of girls/boys with exaggerated eyes and which have possible insinuations that they are not of age of consent". And of course any layman can see this is synonymous with the church, which in-turn are synonymous with the fabled Illuminatti. The Illuminati...blah, blah, blah... Dan Brown is Brian Crecente...blah, blah, blah...Moses was the original top-ten list Blogger...blah, blah, blah...4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42...blah, blah, blah, yakity, smakity...Is nothing more than biased media dictating what we should and shouldn't like.

That aside, yet again we have proven ourselves better than Kotaku by bringing you news you "care" about



P.S. Our picture was better, FYI the pic Kotaku have is of Vegeta only "trying" to power up to Super Saiyan 2 (I wont spoiler but, c'mon even maths dictates that is a 2 stages before SS3) whereas WE brought you actual images of SS3 Vegeta in Raging blast.

Wewt,

Richie XXX

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Dragon Ball Z: Raging Blast - Goku Balls Naked Super Street IV Update

Warning Gibberish:

Super Saiyan 3 Vegeta!!!


He's in the game and I'm a happy man.

Currently the game is set for a UK release on 23rd of October... I still highly doubt it...

Laters,

SS3 RichieXX

Monday, October 12, 2009

Top ten genicon gaming characters.

We wanted to say the Gypsie woman from Alex Kidd but couldn't find an image of her so it's Gorilla boy instead. Look it is Monday okay!It's Monday okay! Much easier to bash out a dirty top ten than it is to do any actual thinking. Here are our top ten characters to get you 'there' if your current humpee ain't doing it no more.

1) Q Bert
2) Merchant from RE4
3) Zangief
4) Lickitung
5) Ms Pac Man
6) Aeris (dead).
7) Zelda as Sheik.
8) That tranny from Neir.
9) The gorilla dude, above, from Alex Kidd when he loses a game of paper, scissors, stone (and also his undies)
10) Murdered maidens in Tenchu.

All of these are tried and tested winners according to our girlfriend.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

PSPGo and stay there.

Carnival gamesYet again the technology companies are pushing the technology that we didn't want or even ask for. PSPGo has been creating some headlines with some rolling their eyes and others heralding the dawn of the package-less game. Like they did with mobile games. And all those other times.

If you are anything like us, you have some severe reservations about it all. One of them being that the average person who plays games doesn't buy games mags, they don't even know about metacritic, they probably don't follow gaming blogs, the still go to the high street to buy their games and they probably haven't even taken their console online and if they have they probably have not downloaded any games let alone check the new releases every week. This is the average gamer. These are the people that saw the Wii soar to the heady heights. This is not your average forum lurker. This is not your average office of game journos. This is why many many great games perform underwhelmingly in the charts and this is why obscure or bad games occasionally pop up on the charts (before ONM stopped publishing the UK Nintendo charts the GBA and Gamecube charts each week were hilarious). A lot of people who play games still walk into a shop and buy something they see there. Presumably Games companies pay a lot of money for their new game to be pride of place in the store for the week it is released (hence those "top 10" displays in GAME. Top ten what is never actually made clear. It doesn't seem to reflect quality it seems to be the top ten new games that came out in the last two days). So everyone gets short changed. For the casual gamers they end up picking up a load of shit games and missing out on the greats (If I have to recommend No More Heroes, Zack and Wiki, Lost Winds, Kudo or 1vs 100 to another friend I'm gonna start charging commission). For the hardcore gamers it means they keep getting new products and peripherals pushed on them before the old formats are even redundant. PSPGo, PS3 Slimline, DSi and to a certain extent the original DS and the Wii are all examples. This would be fine if gamers were given an option and old formats were still supported for longer than two seconds. But go into a game shop today, this vary day and I'll bet you won't find any decent GBA, Gamecube, PS2 or Xbox games despite the fact that these formats are still good for it and in some cases still supported by the current gen. This is insanity people. Insanity. The current crop of games are not the best games. This isn't true for many other forms of media. You can go and buy books and films that are decades old. Yes, the language or the cinematography may have dated but they are still bloody good books and films. Classics if you will. And the people who own the rights to such things are still turning a profit on them years after they first came out.

I will point out that I'm not anti-PSPGo per se but it's not as if the PSP has a great catalogue of games as it is. Couldn't the PSPGo have waited for a couple of years. Until the PSP was actually good? Launching the PSPGo now is clearly for one purpose, to get all you morons to buy another PSP for a high price. Can't get more people to buy into PSP? Then get all the people who already have one to buy another one oh and all the games again. It's new, it's shiny. You want one, you have to have one otherwise people will point and laugh at you for your original PSP. Oh we're also going to be discontinuing some of the support for the older formats dontcha know? Yeah that new game, sorry it's DSi only now. Oh we're ditching backwards compatibility. Oh and the whole time we're going to bitch about the second hand games market despite it being the only way you can actually get copies of some of the classic games.

Yes this is ranty. Yes this isn't the first time I've argued all of the above points and sadly the games industry struggled through the recession proving that if they want to sell you a new thing, you are going to buy it. People who work in the games industry are expected to burn out quickly and then start all again come the next quarter rather than sitting back for a bit and enjoying the profits. This month's EDGE interview with David Jaffe on God of War exemplifies all of this.
By spending more time bigging up games for a longer time after release and by communicating with retailers that there's easier money to be made by stocking the good games regardless of age I believe that gaming would be accessible to and taken more seriously by more people, gaming culture can develop beyond a hyper focus on next week's releases and getting the quick buck for new things. For the people who work on games careers can be a bit more stable, reputations can be sustained and the all-too familiar tale of great companies starting, shining, burning up and then leaving the creators of some of the greatest examples of interactive media of all time penniless, bitter and fading into obscurity would be nothing but history.

Read some of this for more. It isn't de facto evidence to prove all the claims I've made but it is food for thought.

We only buy new when times are good

Monday, October 05, 2009

Games on Display

Yes, gaming is very exciting indeed Our glorious hobby is now so almost mainstream that it is time to give it up and complain how it was better back in the day before it got popular and spolied. Last week I couldn't sleep so ended up watching people trying to sell a Wii on one of the shopping channels. A year ago I would have smirked and sniggered my way through it as the orange hosts said the names of games wrong or struggled with the controls. Sadly it turns out the presentation was almost flawless and at one point the male orange went on a tangent about Super Star Wars and Metroid. I died a bit inside.

But shopping channels, TV shows, proper adverts aside you know that gamin has made it big when Museums put on exhibitions all about gaming. Museums are the vanguard of culture and no matter how great you thought your latest tweet was in 50 years time if it ain't in the museum then nobody will know about it. In recent years there have been a number of gaming exhibitions. Some good a la Science Museums' Game On, some experimental like the http gallery and some tangential like the Design museum exhibition a few years back.

But with rare exception the exhibitions always seem to boil down to putting consoles, peripherals and game boxes under a glass case with a boring label. A streaming video here and there if you are lucky. It doesn't make sense. You wouldn't go to a painting exhibition to see the brushes, rags and frames that were used in making great paintings and so it seems bizarre to portray the very interactive gaming through displaying a bunch of not very interactive boxes and plastic things. This is largely because these exhibitions are put on by museum people who love games and static displays is what they know. Alternatively, the people on the gaming side of things are so chuffed to be included in a museum that they don't even think to shake up the paradigm.

Game On was a great exhibition in that you could play most of the games but does a five minute hands on with Beneath a Steel Sky really portray why it was so great? How do recapture and communicate the excitement surrounding games if you display them without context next to a bunch of other games. Yes, you may get a sense of progression if you play Wolfenstein, then Medal of Honor then Halo 3 but is that really all we want to communicate?

TGAM don't do museum gaming exhibitions but here's what we would do if we did:

1) Get the Photoshop Phriday guys from Something Awful to do all the artwork both in the exhibition and on all the publicity. The gaming related Phridays really push the boundaries are demanding of the audience and have some laugh out loud in jokes. So what if the mainstream audience won't get it, snobbery is part of culture. Just look at Art galleries.

2) Okay so getting people to play through FFVII isn't going to happen in a gallery and streaming a video is even worse. I'd organise a series of events where you watch someone play through a game live. Could be boring but if you made it competitive or had the game makers on hand for a live commentary then I would go and see that shit and hopeful will have learned something too.

3) Bring in the critics. Some of the top Art critics are recluse semi-legends whose words appear only in the glossiest magazines. Gamings best critics all write freely available on the internet and out of love. I'd get them all in and do a series of events around them and their stories about games. With no thought at all we've got desert island games, my first game, the game that blew me away and who wouldn't want to see Wright, Gillen or Bartle wax lyrical in front of an audience?

4) If you are going to have boxart around I'd get the best people to interpret it.

5) Never ever display a peripheral without having one that people can have a go with.

6) Probably at the end of the exhibition we'd have a thing about how we as a people aren't preserving gaming heritage at all. Related to 1) most of the people responsible for gaming as a thing are still alive today. We have a unique opportunity to get almost 100% historical evidence and coverage of gaming yet how many of these people's stories have been recorded or written? We need to fight for our gaming heritage.

7) The Art of Games or some such, bring back the guys responsible for the most iconic images and memories of gaming. That Megaman box art, that Tetris tune, that little yellow circle who ate the smaller circles. Bring in some people who know about media to talk about why gaming in the mass consciousness still = plinky plonky chips tunes and laser zapping despite modern gaming rivalling film in terms of depicting and exploring hyper realism through to abstractness.

8) Get someone to ape this image:

We actually did a mock up model of this once when we had a power cut. It rocked.By filling a real room with recognizable items from gaming past and present. We all love those images where you have to spot all the game references so by making a museum of imaginary objects real. Well we are doing something special I just don't know what it is.

So there we have it. Just a few ideas from TGAM. If you are thinking about putting on a gaming exhibition please don't do the tried and tested styles of display because that is lazy and misses the point.

P.S We're free for some free consultancy work and anything else actually at the moment.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Dragon Ball Z: Raging Blast - Goku Balls Naked Super Street Con IV

Its become a yearly tradition for me now, each Autumn (That's "Fall" for the more verbally inept of you, or "the bit just after summer") I get excited about the next Dragon ball game. Well... Last year not so much, Dragon ball Z: Burst limit (360) was a bit of a let down being less of a direct sequel to Tenkaichi 3 and more of it's own entity.

But this year! Oooh boy Dragon ball Z: Raging Blast is due out.


Currently it is set for a European release on November 10th 2009, but as with all the release dates I'm taking this one with a pinch of salt and I'll say December 11th 2009, and I'll let future Richie take the responsibility and keep you updated on that one.




So what's good about this one?

Well It's more of a direct sequel it features the copious amounts of characters from the previous games though a full list has not been confirmed it has been stated that there will be over 70 characters, each with alternative outfits (Fingers X-ed for Bad-man shirt Vegeta). And they are even throwing in some in some unique characters so far they have announced Super Saiyan 3 Broly (Gibberish to those of you who don't know, but just trust me, its pretty cool). Now for the more astute of you you will notice that 70 characters is actually less than than Tenkaichi 3, but this is because they are not including and of Dragon ball GT (set after Dragon ball Z), though I think I smell DLC on the horizon... At least I hope so, SS4 Gojita (more gibberish, deal) was awesome in Tenkaichi 3. Oh and this one is on the 360 and PS3 so spanky graphics all round.





Expect more on this as I trawl through the messageboards, and i mean trawl!! Seriously all those boards descend in to which character is stronger than the other, "On Topic" means nothing to these guys.

In their words:

Strength arguments >>>>> On topic

Love and Dragonballs

Super Saiyan Richie