Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Once you go fat, you never look back!

You can't. It is physically impossible.

Dikky dikky gnort gnort
Anyway TGAM are going to wade into the cluster fuck bandwagon about some game where the job is to rescue a fat princess. It's by Sony or some shit. Anyway the low down is here and here. It turns out that some parties are upset because it depicts a fat woman or something along those lines. That is such a lazy line to take especially when we are judging from press releases and screenshots. Here are some further (and frankly better) complaints to make so that everyone can jump on this bandwagon and rail against evil sony, catering the whinge to whatever floats ones boat.
1) Fat Princess is racist both the titular princess and the katamari dude are white. What? Asians can't be princesses? Blacks can't be fat? Racist filth etc. etc.

2) Fat Princess is ageist. The princess looks young. What? Old people can't be princesses? Babies can't be princesses?

3) Fat Princess is sexist. The princess looks like a woman. What? Men and transgender persons can't be princesses?

4) Fat Princess is homophobic. The princess has long hair and is being rescued by a man. She appears not to be making her sexuality into a big issue. What? Princesses can't be homosexual?

5) Fat Princess is too realistic. The princess is a chubber, the likes of which are seen on every city street in the world. What? I don't play videogames to live in the real world? Make it more unrealistic. Where's the alien princess or the princess with five heads and laser chainsaws for legs? Where's the Princess who has three smaller princesses inside her head controlling her movements?

6) Fat Princess is phylist. The princess appears to be a chordate and the hearts in the gauge are typical "higher vertebrate" chambered hearts. What? So Echinoderms can't be princesses? Members of the plant and funghi kingdoms can't be princesses? Chordate loving scumbags. This is typical of the makers of games. TYPICAL.

7) Fat Princess is colourist. The castle appears to be brown and the water is blue. What? Castles can be any colour? Why brown? The Nazis wore brown! Also I've seen green, red and brown water, why so blue? Is this some kind of homage to the Nazis who also wore blue sometimes. Colourists. Colourists and facists.

8) Fat Princess is (that's enough now- Richie)

So you see! This game insults everyone. It's disgusting filth. People are dying of the AIDS and malaria and people have no food or electricity. Good for them because then they hopefully won't have to experience further exposure to this horrible videogame that is just a game. We're starting a campaign to gather up the worlds' young, gay, black, asian, dwarf, transgender, non-chordate princesses to march for justice. Join us and we'll set this problem right. One game at a time people! ONE GAME AT A TIME.

This post is purely to get higher than Byron & Bushell on Ramraider's Industry Blog sidebar

It really is. That's the reality folks. You start off writing the blog for your three friends the next thing you know you are googling yourself for hits.

THE NEXT STAGE:

Writing our own wikipedia page.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Touch Dic

Lol, Just LOL

xxx

Soul Calibur XXX

WEWT! In Soul Calibur you can customize your character right down to the underwear!

Though I do wonder for my sexuality, I saw this picture and the first thing i thought was, "Ooooh those icons kinna look like WoW icons."

Fig. 1. Power - Some sword from the Warrior talent tree.


Fig. 2. Impact - Some shieldy talent.


Fig. 3. Boost - Sheath of Light, Paladin talent


Fig. 4. Gauge - Spirally green thing


Fig. 5. Special - Primal Mana innit

Namco... We're watching you.

Richie X

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Wrath of the Achievements


Um, Yeah so there is hunners and hunners of new fap-worthy information n the up-and-coming WoW expansion Wrath of the Lich King. One such fap-worthy bit of information is the addition of "Achievements".

Yeah that's right I put "Achievements" in inverted commas.

Why you ask? Well because, when this was first rumoured the first thing I thought was, "Oh they are making WotLK part of the Games for Windows range." But apparently not, they have decided to make their own in-game achievements, rather than getting gamerscore, you get vanity pets, tabards, and generally other bragging rights.

Makes sense though, WoW is bigger than like 10 360 games, with far too many things to unlock 1000 GPs would not be enough...

But still I WANTED A GAMERSCORE BOOST :/

QQ Moar?

Luv n Hugs,

Richie X

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Doing the Dailies

I HATE YOU TARANTULA
Brain Aged and weighed, village weeded, plants watered, fossil collected, furniture bought, pal-parked, nintendogs fed, watered and walked, berries picked, trees watered, lottery entered, vocabulary expanded, ribbon obtained, berries given, letters written, battlegrounds grounded?, shadowcloth created, dungeon cleared, food cooked, fish caught, BMI checked and mystery gifts collected.

What dailies* have you done today?


*First one to say wank earns the arcade award Most Useless.There is no image of the gorgeous royal ribbon

Exciting E3 news!

We've been wanting to use this image for ages. Now seemed like a good time.Bored of Summer shitty games? Want something more than news about more crappy rock updates for Rock Band/Guitar Hero? E3 is here to deliver. Every year E3 has a theme. This year the theme is "innovation" and the line up of games on show really underpins that.

New Resident Evil 5 trailer!- Like Resident Evil 4 but shinier with vehicle sections.

Final Fantasy XIII- Like Final Fantasy X but shinier with more androgenous characters/airships and the same summons etc. from every other game. Vehicle sections yet to be confirmed.

Gear of War 2- Like Gears of War but with vehicles.

Dante confirmed for Soul Calibre IV!- Like Soul Calibur III but with Dante.

Metal Gear Flaccid 4 special edition- With extra cutscenes and the option to turn "jam" on/off because it's wacky you see! It's random and wacky! Kojiiiima is a random whacko! Woo! Woo! I am a train.

Rockband 2 Band Manager peripheral- Introduce yet another key aspect of being in a real band! Mobile phone peripheral allows the manager to order coke whilst the band plays. Peripheral priced at $600 and £111400 for the UK. Also, Rockband 2 set to include vehicle sections and dual wielding.

Galaga sequel planned- Remember Galaga? No? Well it was shit then and is shit now but a sequel is coming. Potentially with vehicle sections.

Wii Talking about shoes and whinging about boyfriends announced- Comes with shoes peripheral that carve up your feet and improve your blister plaster applying skills.

Gangland Marine Dizzy- The first new Dizzy game in 50 years! Play as Dizzy through an open world of warehouses and post apocalytpic ghetto areas. Fight generic aliens and use an innovative cover system! Vehicle section tbc.

Ubisoft announces new Ubisfotz game for the DS- Play as a real world Ubisoft employer! Come up with derivative copy cat games to earn money!

Wow. Exciting times readers. Exciting fucking times.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Wii-lly


Welcome ladies and gentlemen for yet another inappropriate combination of sexual release and Nintendo. Look someone has made some attachments for the Wiimote that increase stimulation...

TBH Annalee over at io9 says, "Everybody wants to figure out how to put their thinger in somebody else's thinger via bluetooth or TCP/IP or port 1337. ", and this attachment has to be the least inventive Thinger2Thinger yet.

Like no-one else thought of it!

2 anal-tickles out of 10 poor effort, see me after class.

Luv n Hugs,

Richie X

Monday, July 07, 2008

A special holiday message from Jill Valentine

To all those people who have just woken up from an 8, 20, 32 or 44 month coma. Here's Jill Valentine wishing you merry christmas!

Happy zombie Christmas
Thanks the internet! Thanks Jill!

Next on TGAM! Happy VJ day and welcome to the 21st Century for those who have had comas for a very long time.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Slap

Aaaaron Greenberg is some guy. He was saying some thing about games earlier.

But he does have a massive SLAP. Just look at it. It goes on and on. Aaaaaaron Greenberg you have a fine SLAP sir. A fine SLAP. Do you get security guards to patrol it? Do you? Do you sell parts of it for advertising or mineral prospecting? Is your slap self sustaining? It could be. That is some prime farming land you have above your eyes there sir. Yes it is.

So there we have it. Greenberg-Slap.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Rock band.


So, I finally did the "Endless Setlist" 58 songs, around 5 hours straight playing it... Sickening.

Next up...

Rock band 2. It has been announced, unannounced, and maybe-rumoured for an acceptable release date in europe (uk) this time. Bet it doesn't, I bet the Americans get it in September, and then we get it 6-9 months later. I mean seriously what the hell is that! The first Rock Band was almost forgiveable, given their excuse was hardware (fake drums, fake guitars) shortages. But this time round no excuses... Harmonix/EA, you are racist, hands down racist.

*sulk*

Luv n Hugs,

Richie

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

TGAM top 50 ultimate TGAM top games best list of best games of all time ever: Number 43

Yes. This is still going on. Today at number 43 it's Ed Fedemeyer's Haunted Maze. That shit was made in thirteen day y'all. Play it now. It's still the number one Net Yaroze game according to us in this list.

Here's our low down on it almost two years ago! We don't change very much do we.

The already bored of but will see the end of Top 50 list as voted by TGAM readers on our fora so far:

44: Resident Evil "gay den"
45: Final Fantasy VIII
46: Resident Evil Genesis
47: Dino Crisis 3
48: Dead Rising
49: Resident Evil Confidential Report File 1
50: Biohazard 4D Executer

Warning new term approaching: Underboob

It is not full on boob, It's not cleavage, It's...

UNDERBOOB




Coming to a System near you soon!