Wednesday, May 28, 2008

<3 Deviant Art

Not as wrong as other images

Cunzy1 1: You know what would be neato chap?

Richie: What's that?

Cunzy1 1: A picture that showed family life of the Birkin family from Resident Evil 2

Richie: Oh. You mean before William Birkin impregnates his own daughter.

Cunzy1 1: No. Like way before.

Richie: Before Sherry is even born?

Cunzy1 1: Yeah, you know. Just the Birkins chilling out at the lab. Annette is due any day...

Richie: Cha ching. Thank you deviant art!

Cunzy1 1: Isn't that nice.

Richie: Yeah. That's magic.

Cunzy1 1: And look their home is a lab!

Richie: Or maybe they are at work.

Cunzy1 1: Yeah William Birkin is totally trying to get her to go home.

Richie: But the research Willy.

Cunzy1 1: Yeah, she does call him Willy doesn't she?

Richie: Yes because in America it's not as funny as it is here.

Cunzy1 1: You know what would also be awesome?

Richie: A picture of the so totally underage Sherry Birkin all hypersexualised with a gun and her butt hanging out?

Cunzy1 1: Yeah butt only if the artist makes pains to point out that she is totally 18 now so it's fine.

Richie: LOL butt.

Cunzy1 1: Yeah.

Richie: What is wrong with people?

Cunzy1 1: I guess they just obsess about Resident Evil 2 way too much?

Richie: Yeah. Listen I have to go right away now to ummm floss my hair.

Cunzy1 1: Yeah me too, and I need this tissues for my allergies.

Richie: Stupid. Fake. Allergies.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Would you like to play a game

She may have influenced our feelings about this game So instead of the normal whinging about games as if we played games (we just play Resident Evil 2 over and over again). This bank holiday meant that I had some pretty full on game time. Heres some reviews for the usual reasons;

1) Dynasty Warriors 6 Unbelievably, significantly worse than Dynasty Warriors 3.

2) Haze. Imagine Half Life on the PC set in the jungle from the original Crash Bandicoot with a sprinkling of AI taken from Marvel Super Heroes. From now on, Free Radical did nothing after TS2 in our eyes. They went under and will be missed.

3) Zack & Wiki. Genuinely very good, beyond our normal Capcom bias, actually very very good. Wii owners please stop buying shovelware and pick this up. Ya?

4) Endless Ocean. Game of the decade. 100/10. Deadly serious.

5) Devil May Cry 4. Yeah, well I used to be a fan of DMC. Too much annoying capcom checkpoint saving annoyingness. :(

6) Grand Theft Auto IV. Life draining, fun but a bit bland?

7) Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles. Great. Maybe only for Resident Evil fans but hey CHECK THE NAME OF THIS BLOG. Second greatest game of the decade 97/10

8) Echochrome. Nice although the PS3 is trying a bit too hard to be all Indie at the moment. Flow and Echochrome are nice and everything but no one payed £1600 to play shiny flash games did they? Perhaps some real games soon? Yeah?

9) GT5 Prologue. £25 for a demo. But yeah, it's Gran Turismo with all the tissue box collision and zero damage you've come to expect. Meh, like GT and GT2 and GT3.

So that's what we've been playing recently and sad to say it, but it looks like the Wii has the edge. What have you been playing recently? And how much would you give it out of ten, not that it matters because it is completely subjective? First one to say "Your mum" is an Erik Von Markovik.

Friday, May 23, 2008

O-o

Whatever next? My brain age isn't 20? You mean these things aren't telling the truth? So Aeris isn't dead? The Arabs aren't all bad? Frankly, if you are appearing on morning TV because your child was a bit annoyed because her Wii told her she was fat then you must have very very little in your life to worry about otherwise.

YOU ARE FATOh well, let's hope Ninty send chubby a check or something.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Everyone has AIDS

Stupid gamers. Stupid stupid gamers. Nobody cares about anything you think is important so stop wasting the internet filling it up with trite and pseudo-intellectual bullshit like you are debating the future of the human race. Like masturbation, building cathedrals out of matchsticks, and knifing grannies, gaming is a hobby. Some people enjoy it, others don't. the difference being that most other hobbyists don't obsess about it to such a horrifying degree There's a lot of "debate" at the moment around video games here they are all summed up and solved by yours truly hopefully freeing up the internet for some more hand drawn Tifa porn pictures.

Games need stories. By far the most popular whinge by game developers themselves. However, here is the lowdown;No they don't. Game makers want to be wanked off by the film and movie critics and the only way to do that is to make your game arty and cinematic and wanky. A film gets released and there are glamorous award ceremonies and leading men and women gagging on directors and producers cocks to get to feature in the next film. A game gets released and 14000 retards on the internet do a review and boil the whole experience down to a number out of 10. So it's obvious that they want to push the emotional, artistry good stories angle for more cash and blow jobs. But games can't do stories very well and virtually every game released has a story that boils down to "save the world" by killing/collecting everything. Think of some of the greatest stories you know and virtually none of them feature a macho bullshit marine fighting aliens. Games don't do depth or emotion and attempts at morality are laughable. Even the long and varied story in GTAIV is comparable to a poorly written high school creative writing essay. Anyone who claims to have cried over Final Fantasy VII is lying. If they did cry it's only because all the hours put in to levelling up a character were wasted not because, you know, they miss Aeris. Anyone claiming to like Ico or Beyond Good and Evil is just bullshitting to make themselves sound cool because these games are "unknown". So fuck off with this games need stories crap or do something about it.

Hardcore vs. Casual gamers. This issue doesn't actually exist does it? People do what they want, there is no point obsessing over why there are or aren't games for hardcore gamers anymore. People who consider themselves hardcore gamers can be read all over the internet complaining about Nintendo and non games. But then presumably some of the same gamers consistently choose LOZ Ocarina of Time as one of if not the greatest game of all time so make your bloody mind up. Either way, there's no point whinging about it because "casual gamers" have real lives and don't spend hours on internet blogs and forums writing about their "hobby". They just don't care so stop whining it's not ever going to make a difference and there's a bazillion more dollars in casual games than hardcore games so unlucky son, poker and tetris beat Portal and there's nothing you can do about it.

Games need to be mainstream. If, like me, you read the EDGE letter pages every month for a good old chuckle, there are lots of losers waiting and hoping that games will one day become mainstream so that they can confidently say that their hobby is gaming at parties and be welcomed and accepted as a normal human being and not shunned or sniggered at for being a manchild who probably doesn't have insurance or a mortgage. These people are retarded. Firstly, they clearly haven't ever been to a party because people don't stand around talking about their hobbies. It's as if the people who write to EDGE have garnished an idea about what a party might be from watching television or playing the SIMS. This is not how parties work and if you do go to parties and talk about gaming then you have social interaction issues. Secondly, for all intents and purposes, gaming is mainstream unless you miss the 40 foot adverts everywhere, references on TV and in film, televised award shows, multi million pound industry, Radio shows, academic publications, governmental scrutiny, newspaper coverage etc. etc. What isn't mainstream about gaming? The fact that you can't just strike up a conversation with a stranger about Portal? So fucking what? People have different interests to you and whilst you are busting Bioshock they are talking about mortgages, eating dinner, travelling the world and playing squash. They don't endlessly obsess over all of these things so why should you obsess about gaming so much?

Wii vs Xbox vs. Sony. As Yahtzee put it in the Smash Brothers Mailbag the console wars is born from parents only willing to buy their children only one console. They all have their merits, but by and large offer similar experiences. The wii is fun, especially for groups of real people, the PS3 goes well with a giant TV and surround sound system and the 360 is a piece of shit one trick pony for schizophrenic retards who can't focus on one game for more than two weeks. It's quite simple really and if you really cared about the gaming experience/lifestyle/disease you'd have all three. By whinging about it on Youtube and in forums you are openly confessing that you are poor and bitter because you can't play N+/Echochrome/Mario Kart.
Games as Art. This non issue occassionally rears its head from time to time. But look at it this way, pissing on yourself, a video of fruit rotting, thousands of beetles glued to a ceiling, graffiti, paintings of and on tits, cans of food and drawings of boats are all art, so fuck it, games are art too. Case closed good for games.
There we go. All nicely summed up.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

???

Is this article a joke that we are too stupid to get? For those of you too lazy to click the link it is an article on Next Gen, the home of EDGE online about paper advertisements in the American Press, "The Best and Worst New Game Ads". At first I thought it might be interesting if their were some godawful ones because we all know that game ads can be pretty shite because marketing people assume that games are only played by young men with violent tendencies. It isn't that though because all the ads are pretty standard. The "worst" isn't at all bad and the best is a bit generic. Then I thought maybe the analysis of the ads might be interesting. But it isn't that either. Here's the bit next to an ad for World in Conflict, the ad is a picture of the box and "Strategy Game of the Year" in big letters:

The product has been well-known to this audience for some time. Half the page is devoted to the text “Strategy Game of the Year,” with a large amount of additional space dedicated to backing up the claim with various review awards. This is more an ad for the new budget price point of the game than the game itself, and the game did get a larger marketing push when it was new, so once again the hard work was done earlier and isn’t being repeated here.

See? It's not funny or clever. It's a literal description of the ad next to the ad itself. What's going on here? Maybe I expected more from the internet, maybe I expected more from EDGE? Either way this article is pretty bad so I guess EDGE are looking for new writers or some news so apply now. Here's my review of the review of the paper ads in American magazines in the style of the article because gamers are so intellectually retarded we can only express ourselves through reviews of things:

The article, written by Joe Keiser, is on three web pages and on each page there is an image of a magazine ad with a description next to it. The descriptions describe the advertisements without any humour or further comment about the nature of advertising. The webpage currently has one comment. I added another one but it probably will be edited out because the comment is quite rude. This article could be much better through such a little change like inserting the word "friggin" in front of every noun. That would be friggin ace in my friggin opinion. As it stands it is perhaps the most boring article related to videogames I have ever read although saying that I stopped reading after a while because the article wasn't really going anywhere. 4/10

YOU CAN TAKE THAT REVIEW TO THE BANK JOE KEISER.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Crash of the virtual economy

71,000 people dead, 10 million WoW Subscribers left farming their own gold.

Tragedy…

Pony Friends: Review

Some review, I* did in my spare time

The gaming industry, for better or worse, enjoys comparing themselves to the movie industry. Call it insecurity, call it a benchmark, but for years now we’ve heard talk of the need to make games more “cinematic”. From the old FMV games, to the deluge of cut-scenes, it can be argued that games have never quite achieved that goal of completely weaving quality gameplay with the cinematic feel of Hollywood movies.

In development for the better part of a decade, Pony Friends, despite some significant flaws, is a definitely positive step in reaching that cinematic sweet spot. From the engrossing introduction and opening credits, to the suggestive epilogue, Pony Friends does a great job of finally making the player feel as though he is playing through a Hollywood blockbuster. But as would be expected, it often does so at the expense of the game.

Yes, Pony Friends is a short - and quite easy - horse FPS. The entire adventure will last you only six to seven hours, and there is no replay value to speak of. Furthermore, the path from beginning to end is incredibly linear, allowing for little improvisation or exploration. Despite this, it can be argued that the length of the game is necessarily short to keep the player focused on the story, and that would be an argument I could accept. From start to finish, I never lost sight of the goal: find the pink tailbrush and vanquish the threat of the hoof-infections. I didn’t have to worry about countless subquests, complicated side plots, or the back-stories of a half dozen playable characters. I was a disillusioned Pony rearer, thrown into a conspirational web of horseflies and saddle-thieves.

While the developers did a great job of keeping the story moving, there were a few glaring problems. First, the question of who keeps stealing and misplacing various pony-based items is never fully resolved, leaving the player with more questions than answers. Secondly, the races, while being charged with the kind of kinetic thrill that made Days Of Thunder such an exciting experience, don't offer a huge amount of reward. Upon winning, you're given only a moment to bask in the glory of victory before the harsh reality of life on the farm brings you back down with a crunch.

Which brings me to my next point:the photography sections. Riding through the various trails and environments whilst trying to snap pics of the hidden wildlife is reminiscent of Dead Rising and Bioshock (both of which appear to have taken their inspiration from Pony Friends) but lacks the research bonuses that those games offer.

It’s hard to completely fault Pony Friends for its brevity as making it longer could certainly have jeopardized the effectiveness of its story. That being said, it’s clear that Pony Friends doesn’t completely achieve the proper balance of game and story. Whether it’s the fact that the pony cannot die, or that you can't fully interfere with the various gophers and beagles you find on your travels, Pony Friends leads the player by the nose to the end and despite a decent finish, it certainly doesn’t provide much satisfaction. (10/10)

*By "I" I actually mean, someone else**

**By someone else*** I mean one of the many sessile organisms that filter feed in the recesses of our comments section

***Keef

Thursday, May 15, 2008

LET'S GO A MILKING!*

Let's milk the cash cow till only blood comes out. Milk it like a polaroid picture. Milk it, milk, milk, milk, milk it. Milk it, milk, milk, milk, milk it.












*We're still gonna buy it like a bunch of kidulthood fags.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

GTAIV is to prostitute murder simulator as....

So GTAIV still grabbing headlines. Some good some bad. But one statement that crops up time and time again, by the naysayers, then reiterated for ridicule by the defenders, is that GTAIV is some kind of prostitute murdering simulator. Which, to be fair it can be. But why focus on such a tiny little possibility in the game? Oh to grab headlines and take up some column inches. But come on journos, senators, presidents and prime ministers. You ain't gonna beat GTAIV. No the game is way too popular and successful. Rockstar has had more court cases than hot dinners and there is even a book out that pretty much says GTA, it's okay. So come on hacks and political wannabes. Rockstar and GTA are a well defended fortress. You aren't gonna beat them. But if your criticism about games you never played boils down to repeating a single sentence to get the mob going, why not choose a softer target than the battle hardened Rockstar. So once again Christian Mothers Against Everything, Daily Mail Journalists and Politicians needing something easy to campaign against, here's some games pointlessly boiled down to a single sentence for you to spout like a knob in your next column.

Pokemon is about interspecies sex breeding programs
Dynasty warriors is about mudering thousands of Chinese people

Wii Play is a tank war simulator
Resident Evil 4 is about killing spanish people

Civ is a genocide simulator
Resident Evil 2 is about impregnating your own daughter

The Sims is about trapping people in the basement until they die of starvation

Tomb Raider promotes the theft of cultural property from the developing world

Bioshock promotes intravenous injections

Haze is a drug overdosing simulator
Nintendogs is an animal cruelty simulator

Resident Evil 4 is about shooting cows in the anus
Final Fantasy X is about bondage
Mass effect is an interspecies sex simulator
Mario Kart is about throwing objects at animals

Fahrenheit is about necrophilia
FFX-2 is about girls

Animal Crossing is an orphan child labour simulator

Metal Gear solid is about distributing pornography

Timesplitters is about giving everyone contagious viruses
Final Fantasy VIII is an anti-gravity sex simulator
Soul Calibur is about boobs
The Dizzy series is pro-life
Pokemon battle revolution is about beating children online


And here's some flip-side-reversed ones:

Assassin's Creed is a horse riding simulator
GTAIV is about dressing up and going on dates

Manhunt is a hide and seek simulator
World of Warcraft is a farming simulator

Syndicate Wars is about effectively convincing people of your opinion

Dead Rising is about saving people from danger

Call of Duty 4 is about teamwork

Burnout is a traffic awareness simulator
Resident Evil 2 is about equal opportunities
Metal Gear Solid 4 is about old people still having a place in the community

Final Fantasy VII is about helping the handicapped
GTA San Andreas is about collecting seashells
Sentimental shooting is about the pitfalls of bad stitching

What ones can you come up with readers?

Friday, May 09, 2008

XBL: Total Rip-off

Woah now, so last night saw the launch of some DLC (due for today, but we wont persecute MS's timekeeping). This DLC included the much anticipated additional Katamari content... with a hefty price tag. Each "new" zone to create a Katamari in was either 200 or 300 MS points, couple this with the new cousins and accessories. Each of the new zones is 384kb, for the non technologically savvy, there is no way that 384kb can be new content, it is simply a wee file that unlocks content that already exists on the disk. All in all this "new" content will set you back over 2000 MS Points (Nearly £20). Shocking.

Also on XBL last nigh the Muse Guitar Pack was up, costing 500 MS Points for a meaty 60mb download including 3 muse tracks. Much better.

Luv n' Hugs,

Richie X

Thursday, May 08, 2008

SaSi: Really?


Introducing the SaSi...

This ingenious piece of tech is due in stores very soon. How does it differ from every other sex toy out there? Well for starters it retails for £225, but don't let that put you off, Lets see what you get for £225:


From the manufacturer website Je Joue:

SaSi is the ultimate, customisable vibrator. Using the latest Sensual Intelligence technology, SaSi is uniquely intuitive. It learns and remembers exactly what you like, giving you the perfect, intense sensual massage every time.

  • Fantastic for partner foreplay or solo massage
  • Splashproof, non-porous and bacteria resilient
  • Removable covers made from phthalate and latex-free medical grade silicone, using the newly patented SMITEN membrane technology
  • Fully customisable with fascias available in different colours.
  • Rechargeable
  • Beautifully packaged ideal as a gift
A smooth, rounded head undulates under a thin, silky cover, creating a soft kneading sensation that can be customized by adjusting movement type, speed and vibration.

SaSi has two modes. In Natural Mode SaSi does what it is told. It comes pre-programmed with 5 movements, which are easily selected by navigating left or right.

In Learn Mode SaSi gradually morphs from one movement to another, trying new sensations. If you dislike a particular movement simply skip to the next one. SaSi will remember this and is less likely to use it again. If SaSi creates a sensation you really like, press the “don’t stop” button. SaSi will remember and use it again next time.

Just like a good partner, SaSi gives a different experience every time whilst still incorporating the movements you like best.

So apart from being very stylish, catering to the designer crowd (Ha! How long till we see a blinged-out diamond encrusted one) Its supposedly intuitive. From what I have seen It appears to come with a PC program which connects via USB and allows you to select different "playlists" for the session ahead of you, the more technologically savvy have apparently been swapping routines over forums. But even for the less technologically savvy the SaSi comes with preprogrammed routines and you can pick and choose (on the fly) which settings you prefer:

It's the first intimate device I've seen that remembers your preferences -- and then deliberately steps outside those boundaries from time to time, to see what else you might like. - Regina Lynn, Wired

The thing that gets me with this device is the designer style (and price) for it, a lot of heart and thought has gone into this product, but will it really go down that well with the ladies?

As soon as we at Thatguys get a hold of one of these we'll get the thatgirlers on the case ASAP.

Review Imminent.

Luv and soft kneading sensations

Richie X

Omastar Comics #18

Back by popular demand. Unfortunately, due to the Hollywood Writer's Strike, Omastar wrote this one himself. As you can see it's not the greatest of adventures.

This one time, I was in bed and I saw this ghost. Totally true

EXCLUSIVE REVIEW OF OMASTAR COMICS 18. They're just cranking them out now. It used to have a plot but now it's just like Lost. 4/10.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Editor of ONM replies! Is smug.

We got a reply!! Which will go down in TGAM history because no one normally replies to our open letters. Here it all is:

Hi Cunzy1 1, or whoever.

Thanks for your email. I always appreciate it when somebody takes the time and effort to contact us, as you have done, regardless of your opinion.
Thank you also for continually buying the magazines. Your loyalty pays our wages and funds our passion.

Thanks for your points and the detail of your email. All criticism is taken on board.
It's kind of flattering to see that you're 'onto us hacks'. It's always nice to hear that people actually read the words and don't just look at the pretty pictures. I look forward to reading further analysis of the magazine, should you see fit to provide it.

Lastly, let me reassert the point that I/we really appreciate the fact that you continually buy the magazine despite thinking it's far from the standards needed to satiate your refined gaming ideals.

Have a great Bank Holiday,

Chan


Yes, we're aware that we're not very good but you keep buying the magazine. Ha ha ha! HA HA HA! Naturally we replied again because someone at the factory got typhoid from one of the chickens so were not at work at the moment :(

Dear "Chan"

Thank you for your amazingly prompt reply. I'm glad you took time out of your busy schedule to respond to one of the readers of your magazine. Yes, of course you had to toe the company line which is why I don't take issue with your oozing smugness reply. To be fair I only buy it for the Animal Crossing and Pokemon free gifts. The decals are good too. So were the fridge magnets. The Mario encyclopedia wasn't too shabby either. It's just a crying shame about the rest of the magazine. Perhaps you could team up with N gamer? They can do the mag and you do the gifts? Nice?

However, if you really are taking the criticism on board can I suggest that you tell all your colleagues and copy editor (if you have one) that it should be PlayStation, not playstation. I know, I know that you are a Nintendo magazine but that's the way it should be spelled and I noticed in recent issues that it wasn't. You don't want your readers to grow up stupid now do you?

Regards

Cunzy1 1

Overheard on the tube....

Aussieman: So I'm really tired today. I was up till four last night playing GTAIV.
Aussieman's friend: Oh yeah? Any good?
Aussieman: Well it isn't as good as Gears but maybe I haven't played it enough yet.
Aussieman's friend: I used to play Vice city on my housemates PS2. It was sweet.
Aussieman: Yeah well it's okay but there was another game on the 360 that was much better. The graphics were smoother and the story was better. No one I know has ever played it though so..
Aussieman's friend: What game was that?
Aussieman: Saint's Row.

O-o. So yeah GTAIV. I had a bit of a throw down with it the other day. It's good but as you are pissing around you know that this game is huge and you start to feel a bit scared and overwhelmed. The side missions, cheevos, hidden packages? and silly easter eggs. But as Aussieman shows maybe GTAIV isn't such a big thing for the casual gamer. Oh well time will tell but at least someone may notice when Saints Row 2 comes out. Crazy world we live in.

P.S. Fuck casual gamers.

Game of the Year 2008

Would

ANIMAL CROSSING WILD WORLD REVIEW
For Nintendo DS

Animal Crossing isn't a game. It's a career. A vocation, a mini alternative life. You could educate a child with it and it would turn out OK. It teaches you everything you need to know about the real world. It teaches you the importance of money, shows you the true value of patience, punishes you for lying, and when characters move out of your town it's an important lesson about the harsh realities of bereavement in adult life. Bunnie is gone, Timothy, she's gone to another town very far away and she's never coming back.

Wouldn't traitorIt's not a game, it's a job. You HAVE to collect your fruit to begin with, else you can't afford the cool furniture. You HAVE to keep fishing, else you might miss a rare fish. You HAVE to collect all the fossils, fish and insects because something cool might happen when you do. Animal Crossing uses an enhanced version of the COLLECTEVERYTHING(TM) engine that Nintendogs used. It makes chores into games, giving you incentives to spend hours and hours doing nothing in the hope of finding one rare little thing no one else has got.

When we bought it we played it for an hour and a half in bed in the morning, we played it for an hour and a half in the afternoon, we played it for an hour and a half in the evening, then for an hour an a half in bed before going to bed. If anything that's an underestimate, because starting to play Animal Crossing is like stepping into a time machine where suddenly it's a huge amount of time in the future when you turn it off and look at the clock.

That's another reason why it's great. You can use it to fast forward your boring life. So anyway, we played it for six hours a day (minimum) for the first few weeks of having it. Some of those six-hour periods were spent fishing. Just fishing. Fishing, then running to the shop to sell them, or to the Museum to donate any rare ones we caught. The game keeps a list of all the fish you've caught, which is one of numerous mini, incidental challenges you have to complete. In your own time and whenever you like. We're now down to about three 15-minute periods of play a day, which is much more manageable.

Animal Crossing really suits the handheld. You can play it for ten minutes in the morning, a bit at lunch time and switch it on in the evening for a proper play. It's why Wild World is such a perfect game. We do all our farming/shopping chores in the morning on the train to work instead of reading about war in a newspaper, then spend the evening having fun instead of watching war on the news. And wi-fi play lets you do it all in another town, with the added excitement of random router crashes to keep everyone on edge. It's the perfect game and it suits DS to a tee. 10/10, again.


ABOUT THE ABOVE REVIEW:
We're releasing this review under the GNU Free Documentation License, so if you want to run a review of Animal Crossing Wild World on your web site, blog or student magazine, feel free to use this copy and put your name on it. It's free for everyone to reproduce! We're doing this out of love.

WHAT SCORE TO GIVE IT:
If your web site, blog or magazine scores games out of 5 give it 5/5. If you score things out of 10 give it 10/10. If you use the archaic percentage system give it 97 percent because anything more than that makes you look stupid like those American magazines who give games 100 percent. Nothing's ever 100 percent you pricks.No way

Friday, May 02, 2008

An open letter to the editor of the Official Nintendo Magazine and the MD of Nintendo Europe

Dear Chandra, or whoever.

I won't say I'm a fan of ONM but I am a regular buyer as the free gifts are sometimes good and you do get the lowdown on games that your Future Publishing colleagues gloss over because they have real games to review like GTA and Dead Rising. In addition I have been diagnosed with the deliberating (UPDATE: I totally meant deliberating and not debillitating) condition GFP (Gay for Pokemon). Sadly this means that I often pick up a copy of your magazine.

Monthly your magazine offends me. You seem to be stuck in a 1990s time warp where you OMG! in the magazine when you get a female member of staff and you think that comments about your hair and staff member's real lives are of interest to the reader. Frankly I don't care if Chris or Martin or some other office monkey is looking after a new born baby. Furthermore you really have to stop making captions about curries every time you use a screenshot with fire coming out of a characters mouth or anus. As far as I am aware (and I've checked) that never really was funny.

However, until now ONM has been an innocuous piece of fluff to pick up and read when EDGE gets too pretentious or previews yet another game that is never going to leave Japan. But I was particularly offended when I picked up your second "pokemon "special" issue", note how I put speech marks around all three words and then again around "special". I picked up the first issue and it was okay. You cheekily padded it out by reprinting the reviews of Pokemon Diamond/Pearl and Pokemon Ranger but at the time it seemed a sensible thing to do and it made the issue a nice summary of the new gen of pokemon games designed to line the pockets of Nintendo so they can crank out another awful Mario spin off which you contractually give an 8+ to in a review. The other content wasn't anything that you couldn't get off the internet. In fact it was much much less than you could get from the internet. Pointless almost spoilers about new evolution methods and a redundant pokedex that listed scant information that is of no use to anything but the recently postnatal of players. But the game was new (well in Europe), so maybe you didn't want to spoil it for anyone and as no doubt your marketing people have told you, your main consumer is twelve years old, so to them your special issue may have been an insight that they themselves can't find on the internet, without giving too much away. It appears that you didn't use your leverage as the "Official magazine" to provide any information that wasn't already out there. In fact you could have written the whole issue without playing the games (Ctrl + V reviews included) at all.

It was then, with some great surprise, I saw that a second pokemon special issue was published. Aha! I thought. Maybe this will be where Chris? or is it Martin?, the one who you mentioned was obsessed with pokemon in every issue for four months, would write an exceptional issue providing hints and info that you held back in the first one. Maybe a guide to getting some of those FAQ'd items (such as the second Dawn Stone) as well as a proper pokedex with info on where and how you get some pokemon such as Jirachi, Ho-oh or Lugia. Maybe even a really comprehensive volume touching on some of the "deeper" aspects of the game such as EV training, breeding, the importance of natures and even IVs. Because lets face it, it's annoying having to copy everythng down from Serebii.net so a hard copy version would have been welcomed.

So it was with mild interest that I picked up the second (and rather thin) special issue. But upon opening it and looking at the contents page I thought there had been some kind of error. That you reprinted the first one again by accident. Imagine my surprise at seeing the review for Pokemon Diamond/Peark and Pokemon Ranger reprinted yet again! Pay that reviewer overtime because that's the third time you've used those reviews and yet in a previous ONM issue you complained that Chris, or is it Martin?, was working extra hard on putting the second special issue together! Yes I bet he had to work very hard finding the old files yet again. And is a one year old review of Pokemon Ranger really worth it? And so I thumbed through the "rest" of the issue to see more of the same, a few more "almost-spoilers" like if you go to the old Chateau "you might see something". And there it all was or wasn't. No daily things-to-do guide, no contest guide, no advance tech, no useful pokedex or how-to-get guide. Most of the content isn't useful or unknown by the average pokemon player either. Even if people don't have the internet there was still very little they could actually get from your issue in terms of completing the pokedex or getting into the game. Pretty inexscusable really but then again you know that all the hard work Chris/Martin or is it Lewis? puts in is only going to be wasted on young children who get their parents to buy it for them without actually questioning the content or comparing it to previous works.

So well done you. Big pat on the back because for all intents you probably got away with such lazy lazy "journalism" but be aware that some of us are onto you hacks. So the next time I open your mediocre magazine I don't want to read about how hard you've been working on a new special issues because in reality it's all useless lazy copy and pasted fluff which makes you the butt of future publishing's game magazines and why no-one in the wider games journalism circles even takes you bunch of jokers seriously enough to write about how much they hate you a la EDGE.

Regards*

Cunzy1 1

*We're watching you http://thatguys.co.uk

Thursday, May 01, 2008

360 are Losers?

Sooo, Kotaku have posted this...

The analysts at DFC Intelligence have gazed into the crystal ball to receive word from the future of the European console war and the news is somewhat of a downer for Sony. But it's far worse for Microsoft. A new report calls for "strong" sales of the PlayStation 3 but that Sony should expect to lose a "big chunk" of the PS2 install base. Wii is expected to dominate, but won't move software like the PS3 may.

The analyzing wizards at DFC see an Xbox future filled with doom and gloom, with the 360 "continuing to struggle" in Europe, despite UK acceptance. They have better news for the Euro industry as a whole, with 2008 expected "to break all kinds of sales records." And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

"Release the GEGH!!!!

DFC Intelligence. Perhaps the three letters stand for ‘Donthavea Fucking Clue’. Similarly, I’d wager the ‘Intelligence’ part comes filed under ‘oxymoron’.

FROM HERE ON, ANALYSTS WILL BE CALLED ‘PROFESSIONAL GUESSERS’, OR ‘PROGUESSERS’.

So the new report calls for ‘strong’ sales of the PS3. FFS - SONY HAVE BEEN CALLING FOR STRONG SALES OF THE PS3 SINCE THEIR PISS-POOR LAUNCH DAY WHERE THEY HAD TO GIVE OUT 42” TV’S BEFORE ANYONE WOULD BUY THEIR BLU-RAY TROJAN HORSE.

Sony have already lost a big chunk of their PS2 install base and guess which console they’ve been lost to? Yes, the XBOX360. STRANGELY ENOUGH, THE XBOX360 IS A GAMES MACHINE. I actually feel a little sympathetic to those folk who believed in Sony’s propaganda, as EVERYONE WHO COUNTS is playing the latest, greatest games on Xbox Live. With easy multiplayer invites. And voice comms.

(Actually, I’ve changed my mind since writing that last paragraph indicating sympathy to the Sony loyalists – FUCK THOSE LOSERS THAT BOUGHT A PS3. I TOLD THEM IT’D BE SHIT, BUT THEY BELIEVED SONY RATHER THAN ME AND FOR THAT, DESERVE THE RIDICULE.)

Wii is expected to dominate but won’t move software like the PS3?

STUPID PROGUESSER, THE XBOX 360 IS THE CONSOLE THAT PEOPLE ACTUALLY BUY *GAMES* FOR. NOT SOME SHIT “EXERCISE YOUR BRAIN AND BALLBAG” SYSTEM FOR UNDER-5’s AND OVER-50’s.

Let me point something out to you, Mr. Guesser.

Thursday 17th April, 2008 - Xbox 360 is the number one next-gen console in EMEA, owning 42% of the market in terms of life-to-date revenue. Xbox 360 continues to enjoy the highest software attach rate of any game console in Europe with more than 7.0 games sold per console (PS3: 3.8; Wii 3.5) after 27 months on the market.

Please indicate where the ‘struggle’ you indicate the Xbox is going through?.

Finally, many proguessers abide by the 51% rule; if you get at least 51% of your predictions right, you're a good proguesser. So, let me spin that initial article around for the other 49%:

“The analysts at GEGH Stupidity have gazed into the crystal ballbag to receive word from the future of the European console war and the news is somewhat of a downer for Microsoft. But it's far worse for Sony & Nintendo. A new report calls for "strong" sales of the Xbox360 but knew that Microsoft expected to lose a "big chunk" of the Xbox install base. PS3 is expected to dominate, but won't move software like the Wii may.

The professionally guessing idiots at GEGH see a PS3 future filled with doom and gloom, with the PS3 "continuing to struggle" worldwide, despite minimal Japanese acceptance. They have bad news for the Euro industry as a whole, with 2009 expected "to not break any records." That’s because I predict there won’t be any games coming out in 2009.”

SO I’LL TAKE MY 250K SALARY NOW YOU FUCKING ASSHATS.

GIANT PROFESSIONAL GUESSING HERO

Representing GEGH Stupidity Inc.

Love n' hugs...

Soulcalibur IV: Palaeo Fighters


As if Adding Yoda and Vader wasn't geeky enough! Check this Shit... Yoshimitsu has an Ammonite on his flag :D

Ammonites in popular culture include:
Omastar
Omanyte

Luv n' hugs,

Richie