Friday, November 30, 2007

"Progress"

So you may have gathered from the title of this blog and many many of the posts that go with it that we are fans of the Resident Evil Series. It goes without saying. So we were midly excited to see the first videos of Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles. You get to play bits from all those Resident Evil games again! Check the latest video here.
Now as much as we love the series and won't have a word to say against it (excepting requests for DS remakes), we are getting a little bit sick of seeing this guy:

Again!The first zombie you encounter in Resident Evil. His iconic putrid face marked the beginning of a genre (Alone in the Dark doesn't count). The cutscene he appears in marked only the beginning in a long series of games from the fundamentally broken Outbreak to the unanimous greatness of Resident Evil 4 (secretely Resident Evil 6). Killing him with a knife in the original was both tricky and a taster for the rest of the game. And then again in the directors's cut. And then again on the PC version. Starting to lose appeal on the Sega Saturn. Then again on the GC rehash. And again on some mobile phone pish. And then once more on the DS. Oh and with the latest release you have to kill that fucker again in Umbrella Chronicles.


Talk about flogging a dead zombie. This guy deserves his own machnima, or at least an entry in the Game Hall of Fame. He must be up there in the most killed enemy of all time record books.

So aside from endless repetition in the name of virtual "achievement", counting the number of iterations of this poor zombie you have killed may be a good measure of Resident Evil Fanboyness. This could be used to avoid future confrontation amongst the Capcom masses. You'll know to back down if someone has a higher FZK (first zombie kill) than you, even if they are cosplaying Claire or diarrhea Jill. At the moment TGAM are on a joint 4FZK. However, Richie may overtake with UC. What's your FZK?


Voice of Mario does other things.

As you may have heard the dude who does Mario’s voice is doing an autobiography. As it turns out Ol’ Charlie-boy is a huge fan of “That guy’s a Maniac” and has given us these excerpts:

*Warning Spoilers*

“One day I went into Nintendo for a voice-over job.”

“I put on a really stereotypical (bordering on racist) Italian voice.”

“I got the job”

“I did it for a few other games”

“And they all lived happily ever after”

Thatyguys rating: 7/10

Good:
Thoroughly good read, all the way through it you are amazed that such a small story could be padded out to a whole book.

Bad:
The book loses its charm because in you head it is all spoken with a thick Italian accent.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Not funny.


Dear Mr Rick Brookes,

I would like to point out several reasons why the above comic strip from today’s Metro is uninformed and unfunny.

#1. Wii’s are sold out, not many people can relate to this comic.

#2. In an attempt to email you to explain these points I could not find your website… This leads me to believe you do not have one, and as such this confirms my suspicions that you are technologically impaired.

#3. The whole crux of this joke is based on the assumption that the guy would actually buy the Wii for himself and that the Wii is a masculine machine… Again you are showing complete ignorance in this sector. Get with the times man! His bird would probably be more exited about the Wii than the flippin Chocolates ore perfume.

Dude… just don’t try any more.

P.S. Your drawings are kinna shit.

Silent Hill continues to rock!

Silent hill origins came out last week.


But rather annoyingly only on the PSP. So we at that guys have scrambled around in our cupboard of freebies and dug out our PSP (still in its box), part of us was glad because there is actually a reason to use the PSP!

So we break out Silent Hill origins and start that bad boy up! And it is amazing! It follows the story of Travis, a truck driver. Who is getting caught up in the events preceding the original Silent Hill.

*Spoilers… Right up ye*
If you have played the “previous” silent hill games, you know that Alessa is Dahlias Kid, and that Alessa was burned alive, well the story takes place from this moment onwards. Dahlia, Dr Kaufmann, Lisa are all in it, but younger. Alessa is kicking about there to.


The Graphics are actually quite good, as with most PSP games (according to what I have heard) it’s a mix between PS1 and PS2 graphics, a sort of PS1.5 which is great because it is reminiscent of the original silent hill.

Gameplay is more of the same, constantly being freaked out by music, ammo, monsters, and health. More so than any other game I have played. Though they have added some quite innovative new things. Number one is that melee weapons are now only good for a few hits then they break, there are also single use weapons, like typewriters which you use to hit the enemy for massive damage.
Thatguys Score 8/10 (Highest/only score ever for a PSP game, all PSP reviews will be done using Silent Hill: Origins as a holotype for PSP games)

Laters,

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

A Worthy Entry

But Dacav still has the title for best Tetris remix yet. This one is good, the vocals mix it up a bit but as with a lot of Electrance the repetitiveness kicks in. And your talking about Tetris in the first instance which isn't amazingly varied. It needed a bigger ramp up to. Possibly, the B game theme could have flitted in as a bonus for those able to mark subtle auditory mix ups.

Last Christmas

This christmas is gearing up to be a good one and already it's very heavily video game oriented. The TV is running Hitman the movie ads almost every ad break and the trailers for Assasin's Creed and Need for Speed Pro Street are popping up quite a bit, as well as others. They seem to be good adverts too, grown up ads, no longer the reserve of horrible ALRIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT American voice over tat or Sony wankery they used to be.
Ho, Ho, BUY OUR GAME PLEASE This month's EDGE has an interesting schpiz on marketing for games and how much money is thrown at the great unwashed on marketing alone. Up to 15 percent of a game's net receipts is spent on marketing and for titles released worldwide for christmas up to £7 million is being spent. Recent discussions with Giant Enemy Guitar Hero suggest that PR and advertising may be the way to go about getting your game off the shelves regardless of unfulfilled promises by developers and publishers in pre-launch hype. The oft cited poor initial receptions to the likes of ICO, Grim Fandango, Psychonauts and Freedom Fighters is testament that word of mouth and good reviews won't guarantee sales success alone (and/or a sequel).

But how effective is it all? I won't be buying any new titles this December. £50 for 360 and PS3 games is just offensive. £40 for Super Mario Galaxy may just be worth it had I the inclination. Guitar Hero III and Rock Band are gonna set back some of the Jones' a pretty penny. And goddam DS titles, will your price ever drop?? Scratch that, goddam Nintendo games will your price ever drop? Why is there no second hand Nintendo market? Is it because there are never a glut of good games or do Nintendo players horde their merchandise by nature?

No, this Christmas I'll be aiming to pick up some cheap PS2 classics before they dissappear from the high street altogether . I've got all the GTA Stories to pick up for prosterity as well as the latest two Tomb Raiders. I should really get Resident Evil Outbreaks too. Was tempted by the Prince of Persia box set and I should really have picked up the Silent Hill box set by now. Not to mention ridiculous dinosaur related DS pishness. Oh and I've still got Eternal Darkness to pick up. Ha! Gamecube games. Good luck.

Oh look another Hitman ad. I suddenly want to go and see it.......

Monday, November 26, 2007

Shit the bed

Shit it like a polaroid picture. Props to Chuff_72 for showing me how Christmas is going to get even more expensive since this post. Yes that's right Sea Monsters: A Prehistoric Adventure for the DS.

FUCKAdvance apologies to my niece and nephew but it's another 11% towards my life dream. When you are my age you'll appreciate that I went for it. x x

Review from the box art: Tricky. Very tricky. Could be amazing if done in an Endless Ocean kind of way. Probably going to be a bit dodge-modge kind of like a Tamagotchi but with even less functionality than eat, poo and sleep. COntains prehistoric monsters 9.5/10*

*The use of the word "monsters" over extinct mesozoic marine fauna loses the 0.5 point

Incontinent Gay Nonces

Yes, those perverts at IGN, spurred on by creative juices and out of the box thinking are doing another Top 100. Let's hope they are doing the list by the rules. Let's check:

1) Don't ever mention Zelda or Metroid. FAILED. Number 78 is Link's Awakening. I suspect the top 30 will be littered with metroids and zeldas. Come on IGN sort it out.

2)When everyone least suspects it pull out a really shitty retro game to fuck off all the youg'ns. PASS! Number 70 is Tecmo Bowl for the GB and NES. Yes, that's right it is better than Wipeout, Goldeneye, Quake 2 and the original Resident Evil.

3) Ignore all PC games except the crappy Molyneux games that no one really played or enjoyed anyway. FAIL. They've gone for some other shit like Syndicate, Mech Warrior 2 and planetscape:Torment. Selling out.

4) Cram in as many "Great but underrated" games as possible. PASS. Hello! ICO.

5) Put at least one of the Final Fantasies, other than VII above VII in the list.PASS. Final Fantasy II is at 55. I suspect VI will be up there. VII by contrast is at 76.

6) If you are American, inexplicably put Madden at the top of your list. If you are English do the same with Championship Manager. TBC. Tricky to judge as they are only at 50 at the moment. However, Tecmo bowl and NHL 94 are already on the list. I suspect Madden will be high. Probably not top. Hopefully not top.

7) If you are talking about a game series always include the one before the most recent one released. PASS. There are a whole bunch of silly sequels and prequels there. Also, games released before December 2006 are not covered by this top 100 for "perspective". Fuck off you idle cunts. Pricks.

8) Lightly sprinkle your lists with only-in-Japan releases. FAIL. So far so good. But I suspect it's because IGN Australia are co authors of the list and they are all racist cunts.

9) Somehow, manage to put Killer7 on your list. FAIL. There's still scope for it yet though.

10) Put WoW on the list, unfairly much higher than Everquest even though both are worse than EVE Online which you should never have on your list in the first place. PASS. It's number 83 which should piss some people off.

So far IGN has 5/10 neccessary ingredients and conveniently they are halfway through the list. Lets see if they can get 10 and prove to us that they are the assholes we know them all to be. Not wanting to be beaten by the retards over at IGN. I pulled this "top ten" out of my arse this morning. It's entirely arbitary, contributes nothing to the greater world at large. The difference is that I KNOW THIS. I don't think IGN do.

Cunzy1 1's Top Ten Non lethal Weapons in Video Games.

Smoke

10) Smoke Grenade Gears of War. Yes ultimately pointless. Often forgotten but used almost exclusively for the shame value of getting smoked just before you get executed. We love it.

9) Pants Vacuum Ape Escape 2001. Yes. The objective was to vacuum the pants off the naughty apes and put them in the washing machine. Winner.

8) "Paintbrush". Goldeneye. Despite many many hours of trying, this author could never get this to work. Don't pick up any other weapons or ammo. Pick up the sniper rifle and tap A twice. Then James would wield what was apparently a painbrush but was actually his arm on the wrong way around. According to the internet. You could actually do damage with it though but I wanted it on the list to show how L337 I am because I know obscure shit about a really popular game.

7) Persuadatron. Syndicate. Like Pikmin but with uzis.

6) Riot Shield. Red Faction. Well. You could do damage with it but fuck you. This is my list.

6a) Prod. Worms. Yes the ultimate in shame. Prodded off a cliff to death. Difficult to pull off though without messing it up.

5) 103 Pound Mightfish. World of Warcraft. See here for the low down.

4) Maeda's Gun. Parasite Eve. This gun did little to no damage for most of the game. On the 6th day though it kicked ass!

3) Oil Spill. Every Karting game ever. The little fella you drop to make karts behind you wobble a bit. It's true. Not really top ten material.

HA! Want head?2) Head Masks Dead Rising. Coming in a variety of flavours, Frank could whack these on the heads of zombies rendering them both comical and useless.

1) Fire Extinguisher. Timesplitters. Yes the winner by far. The fire extinguisher was of little to no use, unless you were on fire, which was rarely. Great.

See. Pow!

That Guy's A Maniac: Helping to fill the internet with pointless shit.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Last Night

Last night TGAM had their first ever official online encounter with each other. Gears and Halo 3 were the games. At one point we teamed up and showed the rest of the online community exactly how you play. TGAM STYLE. The pictures tell the story. We're the Red Team, Team Blue is Team 'Sidekick' (Duffin and Chuff_72) and Team Green were the guys who tried hard but weren't very good (Mr Cyclopse and TLK ToRnaDo Jd)

Setting the precedent really Yes within literal seconds we were shooting at each other.
Ha take that Richie Then we were using vehicles.We were committed to eliminating each other.
Oh dear We managed to stop shooting each other but only when the opportunity to drive around like idiots presented itself. This screenshot here is the result. That's me that is.
Dead The other teams were dazzled with out L337 skills and fury.
BAM! We easily won. The score was something like 54 kills to us. 3 for the other teams combined. We don't need to prove that we are the best any more thanks to everyone who tried. We'll see you at the world championships next year!

Friday, November 23, 2007

Help Needed

Below is a chat conversation between myself an Cunzy in response to the previous post about Terra Nova:

Cunzy 11: I just, I just, Hate them
So much

Richie: lol
Cunzy 11: Hate hate hate
Fair enough if they ju argghhh
HATE THEM
Wanky bollox
It
's rubbish
Richie: I never read TN
Cunzy 11: It's like TGAM except not funny or pertinent
Or anything
SHIT

Richie: Hmmmmmmmm
"
Deliberately doing something pleasurable which you know will cause others pain (e.g. ganking)" from Terra Nova
Ummmm
Cunzy 11: Pfffffffffffffft
pFffffffffffft
See my comments on that post

Richie: Its a gank or be ganked world... Deal with it
Cunzy 11: I know
Don't whinge about it
But doubly don't try to define it
They try to define it to themselves
Chat to any normal gamer and they won't care
They'll say
I was ganked/fraged/ninjad
They don't care

Richie: no
Ninja
-ing is wrong. Well wrong
WAIT
Don't
care
Cunzy 11: Exactly
And it's different in WoW or Baldur's Gate or Timesplitters 2 split
screen
No
point in defining it
OR NOT DEFINING IT. That's another point they never do. They just say. This needs defining. Lots of bollox with crappy referencing then "what do you think" and then everyone disagrees

Richie: I see what you mean, griefing can't be generalised
Cunzy 11: Here's what I said:

I think you have your chronology all topsy-turvy.

Many gamers and/or virtual world inhabitants were familiar with camping, spawn camping, looting, TKing etc. well before the term griefing became the much banded around term it is today. I also think you need define the demographics that use the term 'griefing' in the senses you defined above and name virtual worlds associated with those demographics.

If you are talking about Second Life, sure. I think WoW and some others can be lumped in there too. But you can't make these sweeping assumptions which may strike a chord with TNers but aren't true across all platforms.

Richie: Yeah I read it
But In TNs defence, they are only talking about MM
Os
So in that case there is more
interactions with Random folk
The
ir point is that "everyone should be nice to each other"
Cocks
People like that just
can't deal with the harsh cruelty that is that the "reality" is that it is a GAME
"
GAME"
Plus:
"Accidentally causing others pain through error or incompetence (e.g. Leeeeroy)." From Terra Nova
Leeeeroy was not an accident
Plus if it is an accident... gez
It's
not like you were setting out to fuck everyone over.
FFS everyone can have an off day

Cunzy 11: Yeah but
They have to look at all games

Richie: no
Cunzy 11: Not just MMORPGs or not just that little selection
Richie: That's what terra nova are about? Just MMOs?
Cunzy 11: What about Pokemon? Animal Crossing? Scrabble?
Richie: Different
Cunzy 11: How, Mario Kart DS
S
ynthetics worlds, MMOs, MMORPGs,Social Worlds, MUDs, MOOs, and MUSHes
Richie: because... well in most cases there is a lot more time and effort gone into them.
In the case of WoW
.
You have to spend £9 a month
, griefing can really be escalated
and to get good rewards you sometimes need to rely on random strangers
.
Cunzy 11: So, you have to play an Xbox live subscription
It just the thin end of the wedge

Richie: Xbox live is different
Different
styles of games
Cunzy 11: And MMOs are so closely related to other games and steal and share concepts and ideas.
Richie: On XBL rewards are often achievable with griefers, and achievements only come in the form of gamerpoints
Cunzy 11: In some respects but look at their themes. I would say you can get equal interaction in Gears or Halo
But they don't just go on about
collecting epic gear.
They go on about emotion, interactions
, avatars.
Nothing MMO specific
H
ell in WoW you can't even virtually touch anyone!
Without fireworks or dodgy contact visualisation

Richie: No I would say most of those Terra Nova points were MMO specific
Y
eah and there is a reason you cant touch anyone, fucking griefers would block the roads
Cunzy 11: But there are examples of this in online FPS's
Richie: Such as?
Cunzy 11: One guy was forced to spend three hours in a cupboard on CoD3
His team mates blocked him in

Richie: Ha
Cunzy 11: Didn't want to get bad rep for quitting
Richie: He could have logged
Cunzy 11: Just had to sit there
Richie: pffft
OK
... griefing is more Rife in MMos
In Online games
like CoD, Gears etc there is more of a team ethic
In WoW
it's a selfish thing ALWAYS
It's
all about YOUR gear
YOUR
HKs
YOUR
Character
Cunzy 11: But griefing is much better displayed, more graphic outside of MMOs
In WoW
, Not EVE online or second life
Richie: Well in all MMOs.
Yeah
In Eve and second life because
it's all about you
Second life
doesn't count, its a glorified Chat room. It has no achievements
Cunzy 11: WoW has no achievements
Richie: WoW is achievement based!
Cunzy 11: What about all the stats for FPS and/or cash, rank
More of an achievement because it isn't just dependent on the time you spend clicking on rats
cheeky

Richie: lol
Cunzy 11: You know what I mean tho
Richie: yeah but in FPS YOUR stats can rarely be influenced by other people
Cunzy 11: It's entirely influenced by other people
Richie: not at all
L
ets take number of headshots:
That
is just purely dependant on your skill
Cunzy 11: Your skill against others
In wow how is that influenced by anyone

Richie: Yeah the enemy...
Kill or be killed
In
WoW, if someone fucks up in your team, you wont get the rewards
I.
e. better gear for game progression
I'm gonna stop saying "in wow" as we
ll... it is my only reference
Cunzy 11: but to progress to what? End Game where everyone gives up until level 80 is released?
Richie: nah, there's more to the endgame now
Cunzy 11: Like?
Richie: plus with the patch for speeded up levelling most people are suffering from ALTism.
Once you get endgame, these are different paths you can take
for reputation with factions, no one is going to do ALL of them, but I suppose you could if you wanted
Cunzy 11: NPCs great
Richie: reputatiom = rewards = money = funding for guilds, alts, or getting prettier sets, repeccing your character etc.
Cunzy 11: But you could do most of this on your own right?
Richie: no
Cunzy 11: They still haven't really cracked doing good things with guilds imho
Or interesting things

Richie: There is only a certain level you can do by your own
Yeah true
Its just an online community

Cunzy 11: It's just you need to come together for the group grind
Richie: no
Cunzy 11: So, we've digressed a bit. But set in this framework how much can you read into these interactions when the motivation for a lot is stuff
Not people

Richie: In a guild there will be lots of different people at different levels of endgame
it's a
handy place for gathering people together for instances.
Cunzy 11: BUT ONLY AS
Richie: Plus Guilds can pass on knowledge and strats to people who don't know how to kill certain bosses
But
on that note, I rarely do instances and I rarely acknowledge my guild
I much prefer the solo aspect
You
can do a lot just in PvP
But
I can't get new recipes/patterns/materials etc for upping my character
And
I don't really care
I really just like the PvP.
You are forced into a group, and
forced to team up.
All of you have the same goal
An at the same
time you get to use proper SKILLS to defeat your opponent
Cunzy 11: So like Gears then
Except you use proper skills
Not ones you bought and then shortcutted

Richie: you are generalising again
Ok
let's say i bought a fireball Rank 12
I still need to know the right time to use it
It has a 2 second cast time, so there are time
s when you have to use skills that have less of a cast time
I need to know when to
shield
I need to choose my moment to freeze opponents where they stand
I need to position myself at a point where
I can maybe get longer casting and more powerful skills in there
There
are loads of abilities that different characters have
And knowing how to counter them can sway fights
It's
the same in instances, they have made them different it's no longer a case of: the tank tanks, the Healers heal, and the Casters cast.
Cunzy 11: But then you lose the need to co-operate if you can just co-operate with anyone
Richie: Not really its more on-the-fly co-operation
I
can't take on 3 enemies
(
Unless they are shite)
And
neither can, lets say a warrior...
So we work together to take them on
People are all over the place in BGs
They need to be
Collecting flags
Tagging bases
It is more Gears-y the PvP.
But in gears everyone is
balanced
I would never return to the days of 40 man raids and waiting for people to get ready and being forced to sheep a target because if
I don't we KNOW that we will wipe
PvP utilises all your abilitys and it takes skill to know when to use certain things

Cunzy 11: Ok what about TF2 then?
TF2?
TS2?

Cunzy 11: team fortress
Richie: Haven't got a clue
Cunzy 11: Dude. Get with the lingo
Richie: Never liked Half life
Mind you
I only played it for 10 mins
Cunzy 11: Not really half life anymore. But it's a FPS but everyone is not balanced
Isn't it the same as WoW except you choose your nuances in five seconds rather than 37 days
Richie: Yeah but those EIGHT days you are playing lets you decide where and what you wanna do
WoW is
very expansive
Hell you can just get to lvl 70 and then level another character
S
ome people don't like the end game they just like the plot
ANYWAY. We have digressed somewhat
. Again.
I
don't like being on the defensive side of WoW all the time
I am more used to arguing against
hardcore players
We should totally blog this conversation
Copy/paste (fix tyops)
Jesus HOLY christ!
Thats an epic conversation

Cunzy 11:Yes yes it is
Now I can see the appeal of reading Terra Nova

Richie: lol, and there we have our ending....

Help Wanted

Virtual worlds as a paradigm for sitting in your pants cyberring in Second Life Please! There's been an accident and we need help from all comers. Gamers across the web, please unite. It seems that after all those close calls, depsite everyone's warnings, the people over at Terra Nova have finally FALLEN HEAD FIRST UP THEIR OWN ASSHOLE.

For those of you who don't know it Terra Nova is a blog about virtual worlds. Fair enough you might say. There's a few of those about. However, the problem with Terra Nova is that they take it way too seriously. The blog is written by various contributors who have tenuous job titles or tenuous connections to 'virtual worlds'. They only ever discuss Second Life, WoW, Guild Wars or EVE online. In addition there are a few crackpots who go on and on about MUDs. Anyway, so what you might say, you do a blog about old capcom games and sex toys. Yes. This is true. But we don't take ourselves so painfully serious and we don't make sweeping assumption about virtual worlds, catalysed by the matrix movies and littered with Alice through the looking glass sound bites.

These guys and girls are so out of touch with games companies and the majority of game players that when they do the classic "what do we mean by computer game" post it comes across as unneccessary wordy bollocks serving to put the MMORPGs that they play and write shitty books about into a special little box seperate from say Gears of War or Halo. And they love referring to pen and paper games like Dungeons and Dragons. Which, they consider the origins of todays virtual worlds. Every two sentences.

However, they seem to be blissfully unaware of the significant body of academic work in this field by the people here at that guy's a maniac that served to define all this crap they like to circle jerk each other about. So here's a summary TNers. Read this list and either go an do some real work or start properly talking about virtual worlds rather than postulating each other stoner philosophy questions about your favourite virtual cyber spots:

1) Pen and paper games were in no way the actual, spiritual or theoretical forefathers or origins of games. They were simply a thing that a strange and lonely subsection of America did in their basements. Just drop it now.

2) Furthermore, following this petition in 1997 it was agreed by 79% of gamers the world over that we are officially to ignore any "computer games" before the GameBoy release of Tetris. By and large they were all shit and not very fun. Get over it.

3) Stop trying to define things. It isn't important. Also stop pretending that you don't just use MMORPGs to get cyber girlfriends. Stop pretending that what you are doing is real work either. Also, stop pretending you have any sway over what the real game companies are doing. Change your name from Terra Nova to Pseudo Academic Circle Jerking and you can carry on the way you are going.

4) Try looking at virtual worlds other than the 4 MMORPGs you always rail on about. When you are writing your latest piece of wank, think "Do these sweeping statements apply to Ed Fedemeyer's excellent Haunted Maze developed on the Net Yaroze?". If the answer is no, kill yourself.

5) Try doing something in these virtual worlds. At the moment the Something Awful Goons are far more creative and interesting with the stuff they get up to. More "people" know them too. Stop hanging on the coat tails of the stuff they get up to by trying to define them all the time. The stuff that you label as "griefing". That is when you can agree on what you even mean by that.

6) Include more screenshots. People like pictures and it makes it more believable too.

These are just for starters. See how you get on. Then we can talk again.

KK THX bye!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Christmas will get expensive

10/10Especially if I insist on buying shit like this for myself as a reward for buying other people presents. Which I will insist upon.

Review of Clever Kids Dino Land based on the box art alone:Shoddy aimed-at-children game that uses about 2% of the space on a DS cartridge. Three thousand complete the six piece jigsaw mini games, and one microphone gimmick game that doesn't really work. There is a 50% chance that this game doesn't allow players to save but instead they have to enter a passcode WHICH IS SO EARLY PlayStation it hurts. With dinosaurs and mammoths 10/10

I dream of the day I can fill my little DS 9 game case carrier with dinosaur and prehistoric creatures games only! LIFE AMBITION PROGRESS: 11%. £40 and I could be 33% closer to my life ambition! MONEY CAN AND DOES BUY YOU HAPPINESS!

Fossil League: GOT!
Ice Age 2: The meltdown: Need!
Clever Kids Dino Land: Need!
Dino Master: Need!
Dino Crisis DS: Not yet made. Get on it Capcom!!

Giant DINOSAUR enemy Guitar Hero Speaks Yet Again: Assasin's Creed review

Hi guys, hi. Does anyone know of a nude patch for Halo? I'm not gay of nuffin. Just akskin.Hi kids. Part three of our fanboys rantings after this inspiring post by Richie!. Here is part one and two.

Chuff_72: There are no interiors in the game (well there are a couple but essentially all the buildings are just pretty boxes - there is also no interaction, you can't remove a plank bridge to stop people following you for example.)

Mysterio: OMFG! THIS GAME IS SHIT - ALTAIR IS A HUMAN CHARACTER, WHY CAN’T HE REMOVE HIS ROBES AND MASTERBATE??!!!!???!!!111

Cunzy1 1: Because that would be gay and you'd probably like it and spend all your time in toilet cubicles getting rimmed and thus not buying more over hyped games.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Silent Hill 5 Wishlist

There now follows a joint entry from Richie and from Diversion Projects, Kaiser Tia, regarding a favourite gaming franchise...


As you may or may not know the Silent Hill series is getting a fifth instalment. Hurrah! However, this chapter in the series will NOT be developed by Konami Japan's Team Silent . Instead It will be developed in the US by The Collective, inc., the company responsible for such gaming classics as The Da Vinci Code and Star Wars: Episode III (ugh).

Konami made a similar decision when they outsourced the PSP's Silent Hill Origins to Climax US, who did such a bad job that the game's developent that most of the game's mechanics were scrapped and production handed over to Climax UK, who were deemed more capable of delivering a 'Silent Hill experience'. Now we don't claim to be a Japanimaniacs or USAphobes, but we have all seen what happens to good Japanese things when they get Westernised. Subtlety generally goes out of the window in favour of easy scares and plots that treat intelligence with contempt. Be it films (Ring, Grudge), Anime (One Piece), and of course, games (see the horrible things done to box art here) .


The Silent Hill series is very dear to our hearts. We'd rather Team Silent give the franchise a break for a few years rather than churn out third-party sequels, which may lead to a dip in quality and vision. Climax UK altered its development for Origins when fans of the series voiced concerns. This little list is for The Collective, inc.

Things that we really don't want in Silent Hill 5:

1. Thousands of Pyramid Heads


Richie says: Pyramid head is a unique character to Silent Hill 2 because he is an anthropomorphic representation of the main character, James' guilt. Fair enough you may get people's own anthropomorphic representation of guilt similar to Pyramid Heads, that's part of the charm of Silent Hill . But be careful guys, the last thing we want is Pyramid Head as a Mascot (a la Sonic) of the Silent Hill series.

Kaiser Tia says: Damn right, Pyramid Head is a fearsome character, and a lot of his mystique would fade with over-use. Since he's part of the Silent Hill mythology, I wouldn't mind learning a little more bout him through books or paintings (the Silent Hill series has always been quietly self-referencing). It's also the sign of an unoriginal developer to simply recycle older, better ideas (see below).

The New International Track & Field cameo was genius, though

2. Sexy Nurses

Richie says: Silent Hill is about normal and usually safe places and people gone very, very wrong. The most obvious example being the messed- up twitchy-head nurses, but this only works in context. Silent Hill 2's nurses were sexualised (as were all the other enemies in the game) to represent James' own problems (and boy, did he have a lot of them). Unfortunately, it's the sexy nurses of Silent Hill 2 that seem to have been adopted as standard (thanks for that, movie). For the love of god please don't give them massive boobies, lingerie, sextoy weapons and cheeky poses.

Kaiser Tia says: It's true that there's always nurses in Silent Hill games, but that's because there's always a hospital stage in the games. Silent Hills 4's nurses were anything but sexy - which was a representation of the villain's attitude to his own mother. The protagonist of Silent Hill 5 is meant to be a war veteran (how original), so why not use that as a theme for the nurses instead of simply raising the hemlines?

3. Combo system

Richie says: Keep the HUD to a minimum! Do not flash up "3x Bonus Multiplier" or "Kill Frenzy"

Kaiser Tia says: Combat has never been a focal point of the Silent Hill games. Sure, you have weapons and enemies, but this isn't Devil May Cry, people. The fact that you're controlling a character that isn't combat-ready makes things a lot more tense. I hope anyone on the development team who has mentioned 'Xbox Live' has been laughed out of the studio, and the games industry in general.

4. Film References
Richie says: For the love of Heather, just stay away from the film, don't make it a sequel the movie; do not tack on a "Real World" sub plot, and DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT make Silent Hill populated!

Kaiser Tia says: Did people actually like the movie?

5. Explanations

Richie says: The wonder of the series is how the themes of guilt, lust, and the other darker emotions are prevalent and the "plot" weaves around it. Stick to one protagonist so that the player can feel the story from his/her point of view.

Kaiser Tia says: The plot of the original Silent Hill needed an faq and now a prequel to explain it. Everyone loves a mystery - plus, it's easier to make interesting sequels when the rules of Silent Hill are vague (hence Silent Hill 4 taking place outside of the town itself).


Final comments

Richie says: All i can say Is that it better be fucked up and creepy. If I cringe, just once, due to any of the above points... I... I... I'll take a nose full of that White Claudia stuff, trip out into my own Silent Hill and use the lead pipe to beat-up any Silent Hill 5 references in there (Except maybe the army of Pyramid heads... Then I would just Run!)

Kaiser Tia says: I would be really disappointed to play Silent Hill 5 and get a generic blood and rust experience. I know it's early days yet, but the footage released so far shows little imagination (Wheelchair? Check. Main character searching for someone? Check? Child? Check, check, yawn). Silent Hill 4 pushed the series in a really interesting direction, and also felt like Team Silent had hit their design stride. It would be a real shame for the next generation of Silent Hill games to become a diluted version of the excellence served to us so far.

At least Akira Yamaoka is doing the music.

It had better be good, Akira, you hear?

Oh and Luv N' hugs,

Richie and Tia.

Omastar Comics #14

Omastar has been feeling bad lately. He can't drink without getting drunk. He would blame videogames but there aren't videogames yet. They wouldn't work in the sea anyways. He can't even listen to gangsta rap either because mammals haven't evolved past the "nose noise" stage in their evolution yet.

Homage a trois!
Yeah that's right North. We can all copy! How do you like them apples???

EDIT: Because it's not really worth a new post. I hate being a gamer it means you download lots of shit that you don't need or will ever look at again. Especially free shit like that Good writing for games guide and Breaking the Mold Bioshock PDF.
Also, btw, games people no one really cares about the art of Halo/Half Life/Bioshock. You read it once and think "Oh, OK so originally the mad doctor had three less wire tentacles coming out of his head". Then that information is instantly forgotten and never needed again. The only reason gamers buy The Art of ......... books is to try to make the games bookshelf look a little less shameful than the veritable "I'm a child in a man's body" statement that is a collection of all of the resident evil, starcraft, halo and warcraft novels. I even have a Command and Conquer novel. Fucking shit I never use but am too stupid to throw away.


I wish I didn't I really do.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Giant enemy Guitar Hero Speaks Yet Again: Assasin's Creed review

Dude, I rented Assassassassinssss Creed over the weekend and busted that bad boy right open - CAUTION, OPINION WITHIN MAY NOT BE OF THE POPULAR VARIETY.

First off, I DO like this game, it is fun and looks pretty. However, it is also, misleading, rushed, boring, repetitive, annoying and overrated.

Fun. I finished this game and enjoyed it, I liked the story and the characters, I thought the future elements were nice and especially that you are a Bartender called Desmond (Spoiler?), though very divisive (this game is basically a setup for a new franchise, even EA would be ashamed of the obviousness of this) and the game felt cool to play, it does a good job of making you feel like a badass (except the main dude swings his hips a little too much.)

Badassedness. Of course, this is what *every* game should be about. Altair isn’t supposed to be a ‘badass’ for Fuck’s sake, he’s from a religious sub-sect from post islamic intent on destabilisation of the muslims. Duh.

Looks pretty. Oh yes, this game is a looker, shame all three cities are essentially exactly the same boxes tinted blue/yellow/green to differentiate them.

Ah yes, the middle east in the 11th century was well known for it’s wide and varied architecture. GUESS WHAT EINSTEIN? Those cities still look much like that today:

There are no interiors in the game (well there are a couple but essentially all the buildings are just pretty boxes - there is also no interaction, you can't remove a plank bridge to stop people following you for example.)

OMFG! THIS GAME IS SHIT - ALTAIR IS A HUMAN CHARACTER, WHY CAN’T HE REMOVE HIS ROBES AND MASTERBATE??!!!!???!!!111

The docks in Acre look are sweet though - except you can't fucking swim, not even a doggy paddle, I'm not gonna go on about this, we all know how frustrating is.

EVERYONE IN THE WORLD CAN SWIM. YES, ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE, NO EXCEPTIONS. FFS.

Misleading, because while you play an assassin, and are told to avoid conflict and generally attempt to be stealthy we know this is a lie because there is no "hide behind shit" button, there are no real sneaking sections in the game, and when you upgrade between missions, reclaiming weapons and ranks (Spoiler) they are all for extra fighting mechanics, not stealthing mechanics. So really you play a role more akin to Rambo, on a horse (Part III, but without the Russians and guns), I must have killed over a 1000 guys during play, all open combat. This extends to the Assassination missions themselves, all of which I did by running directly up to the target and stabbing them in face, except then they ran and I stabbed them in the back.

Good lord. There’s just so much wrong with that last paragraph I don’t know where to begin. Sigh, let’s have a go then.

You play an assassin and are told to avoid conflict (yet, you’ve killed over a 1000 guys in open combat – nice way to not play in the spirit the game was intended)

There’s no ‘hide behind shit’ button, because there are ‘hiding places’ scattered *THROUGHOUT* every map.

There’s no real sneaking sections in the game? Do you mean apart from the sections where you’ve got to sneak up on people to assassinate them? Like the first templar you have to kill as requested by the informer (because you cant approach him head on)?

Yes, you upgrade with weapons between missions because KILLING IS WHAT ASSASSINS DO. WITH WEAPONS.

I'm not saying this is a bad thing, but to call your dude an assassin is a bit of stretch, you are more like a crazy merc or something, a killer for hire, taking on all comers face to face, rather than a stealthy-stealthy-catchy-monkey type ninja, this is not Tenchu.

LOLZ. Quoted from Wikipedia: Assassination is the murder of a political figure.[1] An added distinction, among assassination and other forms of killing is that the assassin has an ideological or political motivation, though many assassins (especially those not part of an organisation) also demonstrate insanity; other motivations are money (contract killing), revenge, or a military operation.

You’re absolutely right, an Assassin *IS* a killer for hire taking on all comers face to face rather than a stealthy-stealthy-catchy-monkey-type ninja.

IF YOU WANT THAT GO AND PLAY FUCKING TENCHU. :S

Rushed. There are some odd glitches (though funny), I fell into a table and stayed there with my legs pointing skyward, fell through a couple buildings, and into the floor. I guess the main problem with the whole game is that you only do the same six or seven activities in each section of each city, over and over and over. Example, "Save Citizen" this occurs nine times (approx) in each section there are three sections in each of the three cities, so that’s 81 (approx) save citizen missions, this is not fun. Well it IS fun as the fighting is pretty coolio, but it's lazy design-wise and is a strong representation of how the rest of the game is structured.

Yup, and collecting 1000 fucking rings in Sonic or Mario is *real* variety.

Boring. The future bits are nice as the story expands but are dull as hell to play. We have already covered the repetition of the main game.

No, you’re boring. And stupid.

Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive. Even the dialogue is the same for EVERYONE who is not a main character. You do the same shit from start to finish with no change in pace, except for the very end of the game which ups the pace a notch.

Here’s an idea: Instead of saying ‘hello’ to anyone you meet tomorrow, use a random word or phrase instead. This’ll cut out you having to say the same word over and over again.

Annoying. God damn this game can piss you off! On the whole the controls are really well though out and considered, however to run up a wall you need to hold the right trigger and "A" however "A" is also the jump button, so if you forget to release "A" (and you will because most of the game you are running up walls) you try to navigate up a tower and accidentally push "away" from the tower you will leap off the building, yay, broken legs.

WRONG! Procedure: Approach wall. Hold right trigger. Character will put hands on wall. Press ‘A’ button. Character will safely run/climb/jump up wall without ‘accidentally pushing away from tower’. See, I was right about you being stupid.

The mental cases and the drunks, these dude stumble around not harming a fly until you happen to wonder too close, when they push you as hard as they can, this has two effects; 1. it's just fucking annoying as they don't push anybody else, so it feels kinda personal, 2. Say you have just assassinated some dude, and are trying to get away without being busted, all you need do is press "A" and you look at the floor and put your hands together, this fools people… I know. However while in this mode you walk real slow, which means you can't get away from the drunks who home in on you like you're a walking kebab, when they push you it breaks your magical "I am not an assassin" mode and all the surrounding guards fucking pounce on you which instantly fails you mission.

DO YOU GET A LOT OF DRUNKS ON THE ROOFTOPS? HM? *NO*.

Some of these mission require that you assassinate five dudes in under three minutes, which can be tricky, especially when you have just busted the last dude and the above happens. HOWEVER, this is not the end of this particular rant my friends. You see, now you have to kill/escape from the soldiers, once you do the mission resets, you go back to the dude, which reinitiates the mission, great! BUT the fucking bodies of the fucking guys you previously killed are still there which means that the guards are on high alert the whole time and the drunks/retards are still stumbling round pushing you! Arrgghhh. My advise, hit that reset button and all will be gravy once more.

ROOFTOPS. FREE OF DRUNKS, THEY ALSO CONTAIN HIDING PLACES.

Now for a major issue I have with the game. The big assassination missions that round out each city section are LAME, you would think you would have to do something interesting, maybe sneaking up on a dude over roof tops, silently taking out guards, clearing away defences, scoping out movement patterns etc. But no, this is how most of these missions pan out:

1.You collect a bunch of bullshit information that sounds cool but doesn’t actually affect the gameplay.

BECAUSE GAMES THESE DAYS DON’T NEED NARRATIVE.

2. You trot over to the flashing mission marker on your radar (yeah you have a radar, because you are really in the future and anything other that a radar is too difficult for us retards to work out, like I don’t know, following an eagle to your kill or making Altair gesture the desired direction? But whatever.)

DON’T LIKE IT? TURN IT OFF – WHAT’S THAT? YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO GO NOW? OH, SORRY I FORGOT YOU’D PREFER TRAINED EAGLES GIVE YOU DIRECTIONS TO YOUR DESTINATIONS. GOOD LORD.

3. Cut scene initiation, that's right, while a whole bunch of games these days allow you to carry on open play while the story telling happens around you and makes it feel unobtrusive - see Half Life 2, here the game stops and we get a whole monologue from the bad guy, while you are left scratching you balls thinking "now if I were an assassin I would have taken this opportunity while the target is entirely distracted to maybe fire an arrow through his face." Oh yeah, you're not allowed a bow and arrow, even though the "bad guys" have them, and the whole game takes place in the open, where a bow and arrow type deal would be real useful.

Similarly, there are a whole bunch of games these days that don’t allow you to carry on open play while the story telling happens around you. See ‘Halo 3’ or and ‘Final Fantasy’ game. Oh yeah, you’re not allowed a bow and arrow. Do any of those bad guys have swords, throwing knives or a hidden blade? THE PEOPLE IN THIS VIDEO-GAME WORLD AREN’T ALL EQUAL! QUICK, CALL JESSE JACKSON!

Or, maybe this is so you can’t do cheap long-range kills and make the player use the tools at the character’s disposal.


4. Cut scene ends, you run up to the dude/chase dude for maybe a minute at most and stab him in the neck. You then get another monologue in "cyber-space," I shit you not.

BECAUSE GAMES THESE DAYS DON’T NEED EXPOSITION.

5. Escape. This is so easy it's frankly pathetic - climb up a wall, threat indicator goes orange (you have threat indicator because, did I mention this? it's really set in the future… blah blah bollocks,) climb in a box, sit on a bench, stand with some monks, whatever. End.

BUT…BUT..>YOU SAID THERE WERE NO ‘HIDE BEHIND SHIT’ BITS…BWAH!

Overrated! Every magazine and website who mark this game over seven should be fucking ashamed of themselves, yeah yeah I know Jade Raymond has tits and all, I guess the magic these exude should not be underestimated, well I ain't buying it Jade, fuck you.

IT’S A PITY YOU DON’T HAVE TITS, THEN AT LEAST YOU’D HAVE *SOME* USE.

Also the end boss fight is rubbish, you go from playing a (semi) realistic game, with a good strong story line with a smidgen of biblical mythology to a stupid fucking derivative video game, I wonder what magic (yeah, magic) the guy will use? HOLY SHIT, he goes invisible when you hit him, he can make multiple versions of himself, and laughs manically all through! (Spoiler) The only interesting bit is when you fight a bunch resurrected dudes (Spoiler).

UBISOFT SHOULD HAVE USED A GIANT ENEMY CRAB AS THE FINAL BOSS.

So overall, like I said, I really did enjoy playing through this game, it was in turns fun/original and boring/repetitive. I guess I'm just a bit steamed that all the press has been glowing, except UK IGN, WAY TO STICK IT TO THE MAN, GUYS! I swear it's the power of the boobies.

You’re a bit steamed that a game got good press because you’re an idiot.

C_72 out.

p.s. Fuck Halo, CoD4 rokz.

P.s. Fuck you, Assassin’s Creed rocks.