Dingbat

Alright Kids,

It's Friday and for a laugh I have created a Video game related Dingbat... Leave a Comment with the solution...

Hint: The answer is not a video games related.

The Oblivion 1000 point challenge. Pt 3

Poor! Very Very Poor!

I managed to play for an hour yesterday… 1 hour I managed to slam a load of the Mages guild quests… But I’m still on them. I was hoping by this time to have completed the Mages guild and to have progressed within the Fighters guild (maybe arena). Though it’s not all bad, I have the last remaining Arch-Mage missions left which are not huge challenges, if I can get them done in an hour, and maybe complete the Fighters guild and Arena at the weekend then I will be back on track… maybe. Either way I think we can all see the benefits of NOT having friends when taking on a challenge such as this.

The other minor achievement that I got last night, my character is now a Journeyman in Alteration, with Illusion a mere midges baw-hair behind it.

Status:

Level 7

Apprentice, Fighters Guild (10)
Apprentice, Mages Guild (10)
Arch-Mage, Mages Guild (50)
Assassin, Dark Brotherhood (10)
Associate, Fighters Guild (10)
Associate, Mages Guild (10)
Bandit, Thieves Guild (10)
Bloodletter, Arena (10)
Brawler, Arena (10)
Cat Burglar, Thieves Guild (10)
Champion of Cyrodiil (110)
Champion, Arena (10)
Champion, Fighters Guild (10)
Closed an Oblivion Gate (50)
Conjurer, Mages Guild (10)
Defender, Fighters Guild (10)
Delivered Daedric Artifact (50)
Destroyed the Great Gate (50)
Eliminator, Dark Brotherhood (10)
Escaped the Imperial Sewers (50)
Evoker, Mages Guild (10)
Footpad, Thieves Guild (10)
Gladiator, Arena (10)
Grand Champion, Arena (50)
Guardian, Fighters Guild (10)
Guildmaster, Thieves Guild (50)
Hero, Arena (10)
Journeyman, Fighters Guild (10)
Journeyman, Mages Guild (10)
Listener, Dark Brotherhood (50)
Located the Shrine of Dagon (50)
Magician, Mages Guild (10)
Master Thief, Thieves Guild (10)
Master, Fighters Guild (50)
Master-Wizard, Mages Guild (10)
Murderer, Dark Brotherhood (10)
Myrmidon, Arena (10)
Pickpocket, Thieves Guild (10)
Pit Dog, Arena (10)
Protector, Fighters Guild (10)
Prowler, Thieves Guild (10)
Shadowfoot, Thieves Guild (10)
Silencer, Dark Brotherhood (10)
Slayer, Dark Brotherhood (10)
Speaker, Dark Brotherhood (10)
Swordsman, Fighters Guild (10)
Warder, Fighters Guild (10)
Warlock, Mages Guild (10)
Warrior, Arena (10)
Wizard, Mages Guild (10)

Total
7/50 Achievements
110 Gamer points

Keeping the Torch Burning!

Ha! Look at these two it's all going tits up for them. I blame it on the war we had which now means we won. So now we are two for two. However, as the good ship H.M.S SFC starts to sink with Phorenzik jumping ship leaving MarioMark to desperately plug the holes in the hull with spare copies of Resistance Fall of Man we would like to steal some of their traffic and re-iterate one of the most poignant sentiments so beautifully put into words.

TALK TALK YOU ARE CUNTS

And Google never forgets! Ha! Live on SFC, live on!

Special Message to the guy who's job it is to google Talk Talk daily: Hi mate. We don't want to cause any big trouble we just want the traffic so please don't hack our accounts to shut us down. Just send us an email and we'll take this post off. Okay?

Chuff_72 Speaks Again Again!

Chuff_72 is our maniac on the street and he regularly send us stuff to post when we are too busy doing pointless challenges and mixing up T-Virus to destroy the world if Capcom doesn't deliver vidjogames on demand. His stirling efforts have earned him at least a cameo in the TGAM film and he is an unlockable character in TGAM the game.

Anyway, here at TGAM we are dedicated to doing what everyone else already did before us, and doing it twice! Here are some more thoughts on that game what came out recently Halo 3. Take it away Chuffty:

"Dude, just a quick email to tell you how much fucking fun halo 3 is online. I didn't play any of the various deathmatch types or any of that bollocks, and while I checked out some co-op story which was okay, though pretty hard to follow with myself, the Dr and two fellow TFUs, shouting about the Gheys in the trees, most of the time I had no idea where to go apart from follow the little countdown marker thing, AND friendly fire was on, with infinite re-spawns? The Forge dude, the FORGE!!! This is the sort of thing that I expected Free Radical to be doing, can't tell you how much fun it is!

Essentially a level building/editing tool, where every player is the builder and it's all real time. By pressing "Up" on the d-pad you turn into this little round ball and can fly round the level, picking shit up (like tanks!) and you are supposed to place them in strategic places then save the design and play deathmatchs and stuff - Fuck that.

We spent 3 hours stacking shit up on one of the big towers (Sandtrap) and trying to drop tanks on each other. You have the ability to grab anything in range so there was much stealing vehicles mid air and playing reverse Jenga (dropping Warthogs onto a tower of tanks and the loser is the one that makes the tower topple). You can also use the whole thing as a sort of impromptu deathmatch with no rules and superpowers cos the game keeps track of all the kills you score and betrayals and then posts these scores every 30mins so you can claim victory.

However, the bestestest thing EVER though (and I can't confirm if this is true to all modes) is that if you get close to someone on the opposite team you can hear them out the tv! Until you actually get to try this you won't really appreciate it, but hearing someone sniggering out the tv before they twat you in the back of the head is fucking priceless as is the ability to call that person a cunt and have them hear you! And yes in other games you can hear everyone etc but to actually have your team come through the earpiece and the other guys out the tv just makes it awesome, AND it fades in out depending on distance.

So there you go, as far as Richies "Things wrong" post, I agree with them all (probably, though I haven't really played the story), however IF you can get online then DO and when you do, find a bunch of twats and just piss around in the Forge.C_27 out.

P.S. Not really a massive Halo fan by the way, I hate the auto aim, I hate the jumpy jumpy bollocks and the Chief runs SO SLOW, plus if you're getting shot in the back you WILL die unless you set the sensitivity right up but then it becomes hard to aim so it becomes less fun, also it's not Timesplitters which means its not as good as Timesplitters, which means everyone is lying when they give it 10/10 because TS never got 10/10 except from the Official magazine, and that doesn't count. Ever."

So there we have it. Our second Halo 3 review. Wow. Next on TGAM: Due to fan requests Richie and I prove once and for all that we actually are 12 year old girls and not two 20 something men. Also, we start a new war with these cretins who are a blight on our and Capcom's reputation because they dare to call themselves TGAM (Train Game Addicts of Malaysia), which should clearly be TGAoM but, whatever.

Bye loves!

The Oblivion 1000 point challenge. Pt 2

OK, Ok, enough grief already, yeah halo 3, biggest selling media opening thing EVER (194 million copies on the opening day, more than any movie or game ever.). I’m still pressing on with my Oblivion quest.

So far it is not going as well as expected due to 2 major hitches:

1. I spent far too long pissing about with character creation.

I rolled the character last night and spent ages choosing a race and the features etc. I opted for a Breton and created a custom “Paladin” class for this venture. For those of you that don’t know, when you roll a new character in Oblivion you have to do a little section where the way you have played it will be judged and a class will be suggested to you. You can then opt to choose this class, choose from one of the 21 pre-designed classes, or create your own class. I created my own class but spent far too long on it…

2. I got fucking ejected from the Mages guild.

Yeah, I was firing though all the stupid Mages guild associate quests, where you have to get recommendations from the Guilds in every City, and everything was going to plan, I hadn’t died and there was very little mincing, though I did decide to make a bit of cash whilst I was in these guild halls. I did this by taking everything sellable in the guild halls then selling it back to the Guild vendor, this was working perfectly until I grabbed some alchemy equipment from “Bruma” mages guild, which as it turns out was not allowed to be taken and thus I got chucked out.
“But Richie surely you can just load your save file”, I hear you say. Well… I’m a dick, I didn’t bother saving that often, just taking a rather blasé attitude towards it all and thinking that the autosave feature would be enough. I set the autosave to save on travelling, resting and entering a new area, unfortunately when you get booted out the Mages guild, you actually get physically(?) removed from the building, which counts as entering a new area. Great.
Its not all bad though, there is a quest to get back into the guild involving collecting 20 dragontongue flowers and 20 Redwort flowers, this is time consuming and really annoying as the flowers are not that popular. But in the end I took advantage of an exploit where you only need 20 of one type and a few of the other (I had 20 dragontongues and 6 Redworts) yet it still registers that you have completed the quest. So I am back in the mages guild.
All recommendations are complete, all I need to do is have a little word in Raminus’ ear and ‘boom’ I get upgraded and ‘boom’ another achievement.

The class decision:
As I mentioned earlier I decided to opt for a custom class, not only to maximise the “speed-run” potential, but also to compliment my play-style (I still wanna enjoy the game!). Firstly you have to choose what your character will primarily be doing Combat, Magic or Stealth. I went for Combat. After this you then have to choose 7 major skills that will then influence how your character levels up. There are 21 of there skills but I went for:

Blunt – Heavy weapons ideally I want a big ol’ 2 handed hammer.
Heavy Armour – to get bonuses for wearing full plate mail
Restoration – For Healing
Illusion – For invisibility to get less hassle.
Alteration – For magical shields.
Athletics – For running fast
Acrobatics – Helps for getting round the place faster.

Status:
Level 5

Apprentice, Fighters Guild (10)
Apprentice, Mages Guild (10)
Arch-Mage, Mages Guild (50)
Assassin, Dark Brotherhood (10)
Associate, Fighters Guild (10)
Associate, Mages Guild (10)
Bandit, Thieves Guild (10)
Bloodletter, Arena (10)
Brawler, Arena (10)
Cat Burglar, Thieves Guild (10)
Champion of Cyrodiil (110)
Champion, Arena (10)
Champion, Fighters Guild (10)
Closed an Oblivion Gate (50)
Conjurer, Mages Guild (10)
Defender, Fighters Guild (10)
Delivered Daedric Artifact (50)
Destroyed the Great Gate (50)
Eliminator, Dark Brotherhood (10)
Escaped the Imperial Sewers (50)
Evoker, Mages Guild (10)
Footpad, Thieves Guild (10)
Gladiator, Arena (10)
Grand Champion, Arena (50)
Guardian, Fighters Guild (10)
Guildmaster, Thieves Guild (50)
Hero, Arena (10)
Journeyman, Fighters Guild (10)
Journeyman, Mages Guild (10)
Listener, Dark Brotherhood (50)
Located the Shrine of Dagon (50)
Magician, Mages Guild (10)
Master Thief, Thieves Guild (10)
Master, Fighters Guild (50)
Master-Wizard, Mages Guild (10)
Murderer, Dark Brotherhood (10)
Myrmidon, Arena (10)
Pickpocket, Thieves Guild (10)
Pit Dog, Arena (10)
Protector, Fighters Guild (10)
Prowler, Thieves Guild (10)
Shadowfoot, Thieves Guild (10)
Silencer, Dark Brotherhood (10)
Slayer, Dark Brotherhood (10)
Speaker, Dark Brotherhood (10)
Swordsman, Fighters Guild (10)
Warder, Fighters Guild (10)
Warlock, Mages Guild (10)
Warrior, Arena (10)
Wizard, Mages Guild (10)

Total.
2/50 Achievements
60 Gamer points

The Oblivion 1000 point challenge.

After some serious thought I have decided that it may be entirely possible to get 1000 gamer points in 1 week (whilst maintaining a social life)

I have never personally owned Oblivion, all of the playtime that I have amassed is on a friends 360 and his copy of the game. This however does give me a basis for the game mechanics.

This will be entirely an “achievement speed run”, and does not include the shivering isles expansion pack.

The achievements in Oblivion are split into 6 different sections:
Main Quest
6 Achievements – 360 points

Fighters Guild
10 Achievements – 140 points

Mages Guild
10 Achievements – 140 points

Thieves Guild
8 Achievements – 120 points

Arena
9 Achievements – 130 points

Dark Brotherhood
7 Achievements – 110 points

My plan is to start a “Paladin” class fighter/healer focussing on blade and restoration. Upon leaving the sewers I will then venture to complete the mages guild quest line, which is arguable longer than the main quest line, then promptly move on to the fighters guild quest line, and then the arena. After which I am hoping to be around lvl 15 with a collection of spells, such as invisibility, to tackle the Main quest. I am hoping not to spend that much time fighting rather just swiftly going though the plot and occasionally casting invisibility. After the main plot is complete I will do the thieves guild and Dark brotherhood.

More details to follow tomorrow in the 1 week Oblivion Achievement Extravaganza.

Dear Capcom#3

Dear Capcom

Right. This is it. I have written to you on many occasions and not a single reply. This is not on, especially considering how many of your franchises only sold so well off the back of our glowing reviews and hard hitting articles on Capcom and Capcom characters. But that's it now. You took it too far. Dido is dead. I stuffed her in the boot of my car and drove it off a bridge. I phoned the police and told them you did it. Ha! how do you like that?

This will be you if you do not comply with our demands:

But also, it seems that not only are you ignoring our pleas but you are deliberately doing things to annoy us. Case in point? Well Lost Planet for starters. What the Fuck? But also look at Devil May Cry 4. What the fucking fuck is that poor man's homoerotic excuse for a younger, camper much much less cool Dante, that you call Nero?
Are you having a laugh? Did you even play MGS2? No one likes Raiden and no one will like Nero. I've scoured the internet and no one has ever typed the sentence "Yes. I really like Devil May Cry the series but I find Dante not camp or annoying enough. I will invest in a sequel if he is pseudo replaced with an appropriate alternative". Not once. See! Scientific proof. Have you not learned from DMC2? No one played as the women because she wasn't Dante.

Anyway, that was slighlty off topic. This is my last demand, I have four vials of the T-Virus primed and ready to go if you do not reply within the calendar year. I decided to use the T-virus because the G-virus was a bit weak and the las Plagas stuff was uber poor. No one likes your new racist game either, even after you changed the game's setting from Africa to Haiti to pacify the very vocal American anti-racists. Frankly you are lost Capcom but we are here to help.

This is how you make lots of money and please your fans Capcom. MAKE RE2 FOR THE DS BUT MAKE IT PROPERLY WI-FI. Yeah? Think about it. It would be great. It would be like what you tried to do with the awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful awful Outbreak and Outbreak file 2**. One person can play as Claire and one person can play as Leon and it would be great. There should definitely be a cyber button too? Can you do that? Thanks. Oh and whilst your doing fanbidding could you put Dante and Frank West as extra characters? Yeah? Ok ball is in your court now Capcom. I've got the T-virus aimed at Japan and depending on how you act now it could be a very very ZOMBIE new year, if you get what I mean?*

Kind Regards

Cunzy1 1 and Richie

P.S. If I were you I'd get the press releases out pretty sharpish because I've got a very itchy (tasty) test tube throwing finger. You hear me?

* I mean if you don't do it I'll release the T-virus in Japan on the 31st of December. Thought I'd write it out here because I might have been being a bit too obscure.

** If you are reading this, congratulations you are now a sponsor of TGAM. This means that you automatically pay TGAM $49 a month for the TGAM staff to work overtime to produce images like this and in return you get access to bonus materials or material the normal readers don,t get. Thank you for your contribution and keep reading for your bonus material. BONUS MATERIAL: Yeah I never played Outbreak File 2. The first one was so bad***

*** If you are reading this, congratulations you are now an uber sponsor of TGAM. This means that you automatically pay TGAM $199 a month for the TGAM staff to work overtime to produce images like this and to pay those expensive lawyer bills. In return you get access to bonus bonus materials or material the normal readers and sponsors don,t get. Thank you for your contribution and keep reading for your bonus material. BONUS BONUS MATERIAL: Yeah I never played the original Outbreak either. SHUT UP, I read about it on Gamespot and watched a demo video OK!

Next Gen Please

I'm sure I did a post like this before but couldn't find it in the tons of shit we put on the internet in our humble year and a bit at TGAM Towers (TGAM Small Bedsit would be more appropriate, one of those ones with a totally illegal kitchen cum bedroom-lounge, with no official arrangment with the landlord other than you gave them four grand when you first moved in and since then they have managed to avoid fixing the bathroom like they said they would when the 12 year old crack head in a suit that was your "estate agent" showed you round). Anyway we've been part of the 'next generation' of consoles for quite a while and they are totally fucking dissapointing, the short sightedness of developers and marketing people is absolutely fucking astonishing. Why won't someone, anyone do anything about it? Well I found this secret memo on the internet and I think it tells us all a tale or two:

Three Years Ago

THINGS FOR NEXT GEN by games making people.
1) Better graphics. Done 2007
2) Too many boxes and crates! Explore proper level design. Added note: let's postpone this and address it with next next gen. Designers are pulling their hair out over where to put coins, ammo and medi-kits.
3) Get rid of cheap non destructible backgrounds and objects. Everything should be interactive! Added note from Sony, we can do this! Check out our duck demo. Added note#2 Sony is looking for people to make games for the PS3 to fulfil this
4) Scrap all kinds of escort missions. Market research has shown that not a single gamer likes escorting a handicapped asthmatic blind retard through a warzone. Added note: Designers want this back in to this gen because there isn't anything to do in the levels between the on rails shooting bit and the bit where you split off in two paths which are really one path with a wall in between.
5) Stop relying on cut scenes to tell stories. Added note: Too many players are skipping cut scenes as it is! How are we supposed to tell out grandiose story through game play? Cut scenes made unskippable again 2007
6) Be engaging, innovative and emotionally moving with storylines. Added note from EDGE, sorry guys we were all excited about this in 2006. Turns out the new thing to be excited about is the DS so scrap this.
7) Sort AI out there should be no NPCs getting stuck on walls or running in circles or glitching through hedges in next gen games. Added note: We tried this and it didn't really make a difference. Plus the processing power for AI could be better used on lens flares and shiny surfaces. Scrap this
8) Let's try to really crack single screen co-operative play for consoles. Project Eden was good and Crystal chronicles was ok but there is so much more scope. Added note Microsoft: No one even remembers those games it's all about online now. In fact we're going to use our online figures as a way of saying we're better than Sony.
9) Let's not whore out endless sequels for successful franchises like Guitar Hero, SIngstar or Buzz. Added note: But real people play these games a lot. Also does an 80's version specifically aimed at those 20-30 somethings who aren't normally considered gamers count as a sequel?
10) No more patches ever. If it's so broken, don't fucking ship it at all. Added note: This is impossible we can't even get the games fully tested by testers in the ridiculously short production cycle deadlines we set ourselves. Scrap this.
11) Make all glass shatterable. Added note: Test with this showed that shattered background glass was 50% less aesthetic than really shiny motion blurred lens flared background glass so we're sticking to this. Also, how are people supposed to review our games from untested YouTube videos if all they can see is shattered glass everywhere?
12) Make sure that text size falls within all recommended Disability Discrimination Act suggested standards with or without HD Tvs. Added note by Capcom: Fuck off we'll do what we want especially as we're the only fuckers making consistently good games for all platforms. Fuck off Bungie with your one trick pony you cunts
13) Let's try to copy Halo and GTA less this gen. Added note: We did this! We've now got free-form sandbox games in the future, in the jungle and in mexico. Also, we've made Sci-Fi pubescent action shooters on Earth instead of on a Halo. One of them is even set in a church! Ha ha ha Fucking Christian noobs. We hate christianity ha ha aha ahahahah
14) Nintendo-Action Point. Let's sort out distribution to Europe and Australia and try to balance it so that there is a good game coming out for the Revolution every 1-2 months, let's not have another Gamecube, or N64 for that matter. Added note from Nintendo: Fuck you you europeans! Why do you always ban our child touching sims? We're going to make non games from now on.
15) Sort online play out. Stop all the shithead minority that ruin the experience for the rest, it's do able. Also, let's not rely on playing online or an online connection for support, profile saving or as an excuse for releasing a game with a really piss poor single player campaign. Added note: Market research has shown that insidious 12 year old americans have more access to disposable incomes than sensitive moms, middle aged dads and 'thinking gamers' and power through word of mouth on forums and message boards so we'll be making it easier for abuse with this gen of consoles.
16) Sony- Action Point. Players were really fucked off with spending hundreds of pounds on peripherals and accessories. Let's try to cut this down and earn money through selling top rated games this time! Update: Still on track July 2007!
17) Action Point for All. Let's just tell every company that wants to do a game tie-in with their latest derivative CG kids film to just fuck off unless they are planning on releasing a game that isn't some half arsed party game or a platform game a la Spyro the Dragon. Added note from Sony's accounting team: We're caving to these guys because although they do make shitty games, we're having some technical troubles with LAIR, Heavenly Sword and all our other games which were launch titles. At least these guys are putting stuff on shelves.
18) No more fire levels, ice worlds, warehouses, disused train stations or generic 'caves' to be used for levels. Let's spice it up a bit? Added note: Ok Kameo and Call of Duty were already in production but no more after that OK?

List of things wrong with Halo 3

Right well, on Friday The second most popular video games blog: www.thatguys.co.uk managed to get a hold of a copy of Halo 3. As such we will do a review of it though whether you read it is entirely up to you, we will not try and force our views upon you.


Gameplay
FPS Action shooter, and it knows it. Strafe. Aim. Shoot. Repeat until done.

There is not variance in the weapons:
Pistol = 2 shots to kill enemy. 1 to remove armour, 1 to shoot in the head.
Shotgun = 2 shots to kill enemy. 1 to remove armour, 1 to shoot in the head.

Equipment is not necessary, throwing the odd shield, rarely helps you out, though these may be more useful in the harder modes

Crouch (L3 by default) has to be held down, and since L3 is one of your movement sticks, it makes crouching and moving very hard, there is also no sniper position.


Story
Makes absolutely no-sense if you have not played Halo 1 and/or 2, it is disjointed all the way through, the plot also seems to be catering for 12-13 year olds. Do not expect anything prolific, thought provoking or substantial. It is what it is, and that is an action FPS. If I were to compare it to a movie, I would say it was like Chronicles of Riddick. If you have played Halo 1 and/or 2 there are plot elements which will be the same and the universe does continue in the same way, however with Halo you still have the feeling of Cutscene (plot) – Action (gameplay) – Cutscene (plot) – Action (gameplay) and so on, which can really break up the plot.


Sound
The voice acting is not of a high standard, and there are frequent dips in the volume of voices during cut scenes. However, the music is epic and sets the tone of the Sci-Fi world very well. Though I did find that the music did on occasion sound very similar to the music from American Beauty, I expected the camcorder-twat to walk in any minute chasing a plastic bag.


Difficulty
Very odd scaling here, I will attempt to rearrange the halo difficulty settings so that they make sense:

Easy = Very easy
Normal = Easy
Heroic = Normal
Legendary = Hard

And I am not trying to sound like a prick here, normal mode is easy, aside from a couple of areas that may need to be done a couple of times the game is not a challenge. Also on the final “boss” character, I did not die once. I strongly advise that you start on Heroic, or even Legendary difficulty if you are a Halo veteran.


Graphics
Almost consistently good, at times, though I found Hoods face to be quite Polygon-y. There are occasional smoothing/brightness filters placed over close ups to make them look better, and is quite evident.


Lastability
Do not get this game if you are not planning to go online, the main game lasts 5-6 hours.


Glitches
There are a few bugs which need working out, the achievement unlocking always happens at the end of level, but only after the cutscene is finished, if anything happens during the cutscene you will not get the achievement. This is why I have the achievements for chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9 but not chapter 5.

There are plenty of bits of scenery to get caught in.


I have a theory though, I reckon MS will be releasing a patch on Halo3-day (Wednesday 26/09/2007) fixing the above issues, so that this way they feel they are still punishing the people who managed to get it early

There you have it people, these are the thatguys.co.uk impressions on the things wrong with Halo 3. At least on the first playthrough. Stay tuned for more updates a i prepare to get the remaining achievements on Legendary, collecting all the hidden skulls and locate the terminals.

Richie sigining out.

Laters...

Thith meanth war......

On saturday night just gone, I found myself with a free evening. And due to the absolute fantastic quality of British television on Saturday nights I thought I might, you know, play some videogames so I could do a proper post on my video games blog. Now because I'm still feeling like this I ended up playing both Animal Crossing and Animal Crossing Wild World.

Suffice to say everyone was majorly pissed off with me because I haven't been to Gaylando in over 400 days (see a post coming soon) but they are a fickle peoples and after a little bit of talking to everyone my peeps seemed happy, neigh, almost pleased to see me again. Including my virtual stalker target Bunnie.

However, whilst chatting with my love she showed me this "weird" letter (her words):


Now I assure you that this is an image of a letter but a crappy phone camera combined with an old DS resulted in the above image. For those of you who can't make out the text! or those of you who can't read the letter says:

"Dear Bunnie

Come to raccoon a new life awaits you, hanging of the end of my penis.
Wnak

Richie"

THAT IS NOT ON! You little shit sending my angel filthy letters! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SEND HER INAPPROPRIATE LETTERS. How dare you! I welcomed you to Gaylando with open arms. Don't you remember we even cyberred in my hou..... but anyway. She later told me that she hates Richie and she would never go to Racoon with you so don't even bother.

DEFCON 2- You better check yourself Richie....

Seperate Ways

We at that guys support anything and everything Japanese schoolgirls say and do, in our eyes they can do no wrong except Richie says they 'struggle too much'. That's disgusting dude.

Thatguys: Official members of the Engrish AKB48 fanclub

/Wnak

Aitakatta, aitakatta, aitakatta

We at that guys support anything and everything Japanese schoolgirls say and do, in our eyes they can do no wrong.

Thatguys: Official members of the Engrish AKB48 fanclub

/Wnak

Fridaaaay!

So STFU and be happy! You get a whole weekend of fun and freedom! Oh you want a benchmark for how happy you should be?

Be this happy


Have a nice weekend!

Colin McRae Outrage

Contrary to “popular” belief Colin McRae Rally is actually one of the Thatguys preferred series’ of games from Codemasters only slightly preceeded by Dizzy, Micro Machines, SAS Combat and Nitro Boost and CJ’s Elephant antics. So I’m sure you will understand that we are on mourning for the loss of one of the contributors of a mediocre racing game.

R.I.P. Colin McRay

But what really boils our egg (which is wearing boxing gloves) is that heartless SEGA are cashing in on this “gap” in the market with their new Sega Rally Revo, this painful title is due for release at the end of the month and actually features Colin McRae:

(Click for Full screen)

Personally I am outraged, however SEGA are still releasing Virtua Fighter 5… which died a long time ago.

lvl up this profession...

Right if any of you have ever seen the Pokemon Anime you will have noticed that most of the characters have some kind of twisted goal that they want to achieve in life.

For example:

Brock – Pokemon Breeder
Tracy – Pokemon Drawer
Ash – Pokemon Trainer/Master

Throughout the anime there are characters that are bumped into along the way that have some weird quirk that they inflict on pokemon, such as only training yellow pokemon, Pokemon Cattle herders*, or Pokemon Coordinators.

Well I had a thought

In the Safari zone you are given the option to catch pokemon…


As you can see you are given the opportunity “bait” the pokemon

So…

If you got really good at it, could you call yourself a Pokemon Master-baiter..

RAOTFLOL

*on a sub-note, every time you see beef on screen is that actually a Tauros or a Miltank? Discuss…

SEGA IS AWESOME!

Yes it is. What prompted this post? Nothing, no really nothing.....*

And if someone just happened to ask me what sega games I am looking forward to, I would have to say Sonic Rush Adventure. Why would someone ask me that? No reason. No really, nothing...*

Also, it might be time for another picture review. Which, is never a bad thing**.





*In jokes. Ignore plz. Seriously. You won't get it unless you know. Maybe you think you know but you probably don't.

**But I am really looking forward to Sonic Rush Adventure. I might be a gamer again despite what I said here

Another letter to Team Ninja

69 Thatguys Street
Racoon City
T6 4M1

Dear Team Ninja,

Firstly I would like to thank you on your wondrous attention to detail, and on encapsulating everything that anyone could every want from bouncing CG boobs. However, it pains me to say that this is not a letter complementing your hold on the CG boob market, this is in fact a letter of apology. You may have recently received a letter from my colleague, a Mrs Lvl 70 Richie complaining that her phone was broken due to the rage caused by your game being too 'hard'. However, I implore you to ignore the demands set out in my colleague's previous letter because, well she plays WoW and she just isn't used to real time combat systems or skill based games. She spent hours playing DoA4 Online desperately trying to "click" on opponents before endlessly being beaten. In fact, it was only recently that Richie learned that DoA had a game element to it at all. She would just sit watching the rolling demo screens at the menu whilst furiously frigging. Unfortunately, both myself and our daughter have caught her doing so at times but since Richie found out there is a gaming element to DoA these incidents have fortunately been few and far between.

However, the demand that we feature as characters in the next DoA game, is still a good one. Could I request that Richie's character resembles Voldo from Soul Blade? Also she should have a suicide move where she lays in the bath, frigs out a slime for the last time and then slits her wrists? After that you see Zack come running in and picking Richie up in his arms and crying as the camera pan out to space. That would be good and you might get some negative publicity like Rockstar! Wnak.

Luv n hugs

Cunzy1 1 xxx

A Letter to Team Ninja

69 Thatguys Street
Racoon City
T6 4M1

Dear Team Ninja,

Firstly I would like to thank you on your wondrous attention to detail, and encapsulated everything that anyone could every want from bouncing CG boobs. However it pains me to say that this is not a letter complimenting your hold on the CG boob market, this is in fact a letter demanding compensation for damaging my phone. If it were not for your bouncy booby game (RE: Dead or alive 4) being to ridiculously hard for the entry level player, then my phone would not have met with a rather unfortunate event, involving a wall and it hurtling though the air.

As such I would like to demand the repair bill for my phone refunded to me (£40), emotional damages (£1000), a nude patch for Ein, damn! I mean Bayman. No! I mean Tengu. NO! I mean Helena… Maybe.

Along with this I demand that Cunzy and I feature as characters in the next DoA game, and we each have multiple endings involving us nobbing the DoA girls. Cunzys, can feature him, settling down going to Morrisons on Sunday for the weekly shop, discussing where the sofa would look good, and just a general display of stomach churning under-the-thumb-ness as Lei Fang treats him as the submissive he-bitch that he is. Wnak.

Luv n hugs

Lvl 70 Richie xxx

DoA4 + 360 = Broken phone

Fuck this shit, the game is flawed, you do a move the AI counters it, you try to counter and nothing fucking happens. The manual doesn't even go into detail on how the countering system works, even though it raves on about the countering system being all re-vamped and amazing. Lies.

So I'm fighting some fucked up drunk dickface (dont know his name nor do i care to know it) and he just continuously counters it over and over. OH! great job team ninja, or should i say "team wank-fuck-cock-faecal-cunt". And I am on like the tenth time trying to kill him, well actually just trying to get a move in to prevent getting perfected, fuck you team ninja.

I know at the start of games you are at zero on the learning curve, it is like tossing a coin, 50:50 chance of winning. Team banjo-string just seemed to ignore this.

Yeah so 10th fight with Drunk fuck, and theres nothing i can do He starts som 9 chain combo, which leaves me being juggled, and with nothing to do, except loose my life bar, i just have to sit back and watch this... for the tenth time.

RAGE

RAGE

RAGE

Until I throw down the joypad and throw my phone across the room...

Cheers Team Ninja, you owe me a new phone.

Cunts

DOA4 sucks

LOLCATS

Fuck off cats more like. Here is the definitive LOLCAT and I don't want to hear anymore about it. CLICK FOR THE TRUTH

Pinnacle reached: Richie now re-accepted by Geeks everywhere!

In the small hours of last night I finally did it! I reached Level 70! After hours and hours of grinding, questing and farming I finally did it, My Mage hit Level 70!



Whats this you say, you thought I had given up? Yeah I had, but after recent negotiations with the editorial staff it was agreed that to save thatguys.co.uk It was required that someone made a sacrifice. And bring back the classic days of Thatguys, much like in heroes when that artist guy has to take heroin to save the cheerleader. And since i am the most 1337 we needed a level 70 sharpish. So i went out and bought the burning crusade, spoke with a nice GM who re-activated "Richie" the fire mage.

News that is six months too late:

Well, I say "hours and hours" I started playing again as Richie not long after the recent announcement of Wrath of the Lich King. which led me into a flurry of WoW research and pranging desires to throw some fireballs. The Burning Crusade, is everything WoW should have been, the quests are plentyful, there is no real need to group with losers. There is no longer any need to travel for 20 minutes, Gold is plentiful, the upgrades are REALLY satsfying, and the armour is spanky.

Despite cunzys recent lack of faith with the gaming industry, i would like to announce that Richie is in full effect in gaming spanning 4 systems and multiple systems:

Have faith readers I wont abandon you for RL things like GFs, Joint back accounts or visits to IKEA... I know where my priorities lie.

Currently playing...

360
Gears of War
Guitar Hero II
Sonic
Sonic 2
Dead or alive 4
Dead or Alive X2
Rumble Roses XX

Wii
Resident Evil 4

DS
Pokemon Pearl

PC
World of FRICKIN' Warcraft

It's Official: Cunzy1 1 no longer a gamer

It's true. I recently bought ONM (for the free gifts of course) and the free gift was crap. A keyring made out of hideous cheap-off-the-market-for-a-quid-"lego"-plastic so I decided to get my money's worth I'd actually try to read the magazine.

It was hideous. The writing is by four year old never heard ofs who desperately try to sound like they don't have to give all the games above average marks. Anyway, this is besides the point. They had an article on the hot 100, trying to convince Nintendo fans that there was a reason they have a Wii other than to play Wii Play and Wii Sports or Wario Ware (Zelda can just fuck off). And what games was I interested in? Was it Pokemon Battle Revolution? Well a bit but everyone knows it's just an expensive husk of a game. Was it Mario Galaxy? No. I don't particularly like space as a setting for things and it just brings back memories of playing Super Mario 64 which is sometimes a good thing but sometimes bad too. No the game that really grabbed my attention was Endless Ocean (Forever Blue in Japan). It's a dive em' up where essentially you explore the sea and snap photos of fish, sponges and corals.
I even went to the official site and watched all the videos with the dreamy music and the steady air tank noises. I actually can't wait. Those of you scrolling down the page to see the bit where I stop being too sarcastic and blame Nintendo for the death of true gaming will be dissapointed. I just want to buy this game and spend my weekends floating in the ocean exploring the virtual ecosystems and photoing a host of organisms.

Which brings me back to the title of this post. I don't think I'm a gamer anymore. I can't be bothered with Killzone or Bioshock. Just looking at videos and screenshots makes me feel nervous of all the effort and violence and fighting to get from the start to the end. And watching Spore videos makes me feel so tired. The amount of hours and tailoring it's going to take to get from single cell organism to inter galactic explorer is going to be phenomenal. I couldn't even manage a Sims house and get everyone to work on time let alone get a whole civilisation going. Racing games have essentially all been the same since Destrcution Derby. I don't want to see real cars going round tracks over and over again. Etc. etc. for all other game genres. I don't want time trials or time limits or boss battles or trophies, stars, coins or gems to collect. I don't want to save princesses or the world for that matter.

So there we have it. Nintendo killed Cunzy1 1 with your pacifist games and putting the fun into things and all your games with no endings. I'll just spend the rest of my life playing Pokemon (not a game in many senses, more like stamp collecting and modifying), Brain Training (not a game for many reasons), Animal Crossing (not a game) and hopefully Endless Ocean.

Games that I am still scared of even though I got quite far but have been stuck on the same bit for about 6 years

Alien Resurrection for the Playstation.














Post-Post Analysis. Oh! I've made so many mistakes here. What I did, was explained too much in the title which, left me nothing to expand on in the 'meat' of the post. Also, the parameters I set myself were way too narrow. If I'd spent a bit more time thinking about it, this post could have even been some kind of list. If I'd gone even further, I could have made some comment about horror games in general and how sometimes the old ones are always the best. I didn't even put an image in. Oh this is all wrong. Sorry guys. Dropped the ball a bit here. I'd say 3/10 try harder? Or maybe 3/10. See Me!

Meta

I hate using the word meta. There used to be a time when we didn't use it. Those were good times! Anyway here at TGAM we try our damdest to bring you the latest news about videogames. By 'latest news' I mean stuff we thought up/dreamt up and by 'videogames' I mean Resident Evil and occasionally Pokemon and by 'our damdest' I mean infrequently and with fluctuating quality.

However, none of you probably remember this post here called Destroy the Techno Union Chips. This was TGAM journalism of the highest quality and we received attention from outside of the three- people-we- already-know readership. That was when we first received virtual affections from the one, the only, Miss Bea Havin from 1990's playstation pro magazine. She even created a new category for us called 'rampaging stupidity'. Sweet.

Anyway just over a year on and this post continues to be the most popular post on the whole blog with as many as 14! Yes One-Four comments. It turns out that Miss Bea may have been a bit too hasty in her judgement as Phentemerine said:

"Thank You! Very interesting article. Do you can write anything else about it?"

Yes Phentemerine we do can and do write anything else about it. I like your name. Buy Levitra online also went on to say:

"Very interesting site. Blog is very good. I am happy that I think the same!"

See? If Buy Levitra online thinks so, then we feel less bad about being condemned for our writings. I like your name. Anonimous is so moved by the post that only last week they said:

"Nice! Nice site! Good resources here. I will bookmark!"

And then in what we thought was a double post but turns out it wasn't said:

"Excellent website. Good work. Very useful. I will bookmark!"

Thank you Anonimous. I like your website btw.

So even though we aren't writing the same shit as everyone else. Even if we aren't condemning Princess Peach or making Halo Noobz jokes (ignore the Halo noobz post). We're making life just a little bit better for that portion of the internet that likes to name themselves after chemicals and sell chemicals to people over the internet. And for that, we can only say "You are welcome."

Cunzy1 1 out

July 2010 UPDATE! This just in from Casino Online:

"I appreciate you for giving such a useful blog. this website was not only knowledgeable but also very artistic too. There are only few professionals who can think to write not so easy stuff that creatively. I look for articles about this topic. I just read through the entire article of yours and it was quite good. This is a great article thanks for sharing this informative information. I will visit your blog regularly for some latest post"

First off, Casino online, if that is your real name unlike fucks, one doesn't really 'give' a blog. One blogs. I fail to see how this post was artistic. If you ask me it was recycling of already stale content, half the links don't work and this post is covered in typos. I do agree that it isn't easy. Exactly what topic would you say this article is on? Spam? And informative information? That is unnecessarily redundant. SEE WHAT I DID THERE Casino? BTW reader, never visit the Casino online site. It is well known that casino online is a baby rapist and if you access their site they download your address and then come to your house and kill you with a big willy statue and defame your childs.

How much do you love your iPhone?

Physically?

Well with the new iBrate application, your iPhone can now show you some lovin too, for some literal “Phone sex”

The application offers… Nothing really, vibrate or don’t vibrate

However iBrate v2.0 is said to include the following:

Removable waterproof silicon sleeve, variable speed settings, a pulse mode, music playback, a bluetooth remote control, lube, clitoral stimulator, callback function.

Omastar Comics #9

This week Omastar tells us about the time he fought racism, real racism, not the internet kind.

Alas, that stupid kid getting in the way just as you were about to finish off the bad guy. That's how it always goes dude. ALWAYS

Lara Croft: Sold

Yeah sold, like the veritable female object she is. SCi need some cash so they are thinking about selling her on. Of course, soulless money grubbing EA have already expressed their interest. They are possible already ejaculating their tainted devil seed it into their boxers, at the thought of twisting, mangling and destroying our beloved gamer icon. I know Eidos have not done their best with her, but if I owned Lara I would feel a responsibility to not allow EA to get their hands on it. Fuck it… I’d probably sell it to an indie for half the price, purely in the hopes that here already mangled polygons do not get violated any further with EA.

Aside from her turning up in every EA game as a bonus character, she already has a game lined up...

Tomb Raiderz Urban:

Set in WWII on the beaches of Normandy, Lara Croft has to street race her way around the globe with her skateboarding sidekick Tiger Woods to retrieve the EA Trax stolen by John Madden and the Evil Fifas.

Features:

- Her boobs will be fully customizable using the Areola-mization menu.
- The game includes 5 Left boobs (Right boobs must be purchased on Xbox Live)
- Pressing L2 will cause Lara to stop what she is doing and just bounce.
- Lara has a new persona, she is cheekier, and uses way more innuendos.
- Boobs
- One of the unlockable extras is to play the scene where Lara is actually bought by EA, however this is a bit risqué for EA as it includes scenes of violent anal rape. And from what we have heard it is quite disturbing, as about half what through it zooms in on Lara’s face and she pitifully sobs to the camera “Wh-why? Why!… *whimper* all I wanted to… *sniff* was raid tombs *screams*”

And yet Manhunt 2 gets banned...

Resident Evil 5 Racism?

You've no doubt read the story now. The new RE5 trailer came out and showed Chris (from Resident Evil) or a Chris look-alike in Africa just walking around thinking about buying some beads 'n' shit. Then you see some zombie zombieness and afterwards, footage of Chris taking them out a la Resident Evil 0-4. Oh, yeah but most if not all of the zombies are black. So this inspired all of these cunts to talk about it and the nasty gaming community came out of their A-Holes to be racist to everyone and the anti-racist and race awareness part of the blogosphere mobilised and put up a bit of a fight. Good points were put forward by both sides blah blah blah.......
What none of these idiots (some of them are real idiots and others are self confessed intellectual idiots) picked up on is that it should be Resident Evil 6 not Resident Evil 5. For fuck's sake guys focus on the real issue. Capcom you still ain't wrote me back and to be honest it's getting near to "stash Dido in the back of my car and drive off a bridge o clock", you hear me?


Also, although some people picked up on the fact that Resident Evil 4 was all anti-spanish and shit, no one mentioned that there wasn't a single black guy in that whole fucking game. LAME. That was an easy point for someone to pick up and run with right? The pro gamer guys could have told the 'RE5 is racist' guys, where were you when RE4 came out huh? And then they'd be like "Damn, you caught us we were only kicking up a fuss because this was obviously racist and we can't be bothered to do a lot of research into these things so you are right we were using it to raise our profile amongst the anti-racism community".


MISSED A TRICK THERE GAMING FAGS.


Ha noobs.

The Pokemon Drinking Game [Prison rules version]

Sometime soon, not today, maybe not even this year, but before the end of the world Richie and I are going to liveblog playing the ultimate pokemon drinking game. Drinking? Pokemon? Game? I hear no-one say. Yes that's right. Oh you want to play too? Here's the rules:

1) Equitment
You have to pronounce equipment as equitment and skeleton as skellington and vehicle as vericle. It's all part of playing the drinking game. Anyway to fully enjoy the Pokemon Drinking Game you need the following:

• Every single episode of Pokemon the animated series including the films and the Pikachu films (You can illegally download all of these from the internet. I strongly advocate that you do because when 4Kids or Nintendo or whoever finally decide to release all of them in your region there will be 2.5 episodes per DVD and it'll cost £15 each, even then they'll release only half of them).
• A whole week (7 days, preferably 8) with no other commitments. It might be advisable to send your better half away for a week too because it isn't going to be pretty and they are definitely not going to love you more by seeing you play PTDG:PRV (Pokemon the Drinking Game Prison Rules Version)
• 48 Shots of tequila per player
• 24 shots of guiness per player (alternatively black vodka)
• 20 shots of Mount Gay Rum per player
• 29 shots of Aftershock
• 26 shots of Stella Artois
• 34 shots of Sambuca per player
• 65 shots of WKD blue
• 19 Bloody Mary's per player (alternatively shots of Malibu)
• 56 joints (weed) per player*
• 49 shots of coffee per player
• 23 ice cubes per player
• 80 shots of vodka per player
• 51 shots of snakebite per player
• 54 shots of ribena (undiluted) per player
• 38 joints (hash) per player
• 27 shots of Irn Bru per player
• 93 shots of water per player
• A drinkedex ( a drinkedex is a list with all 49odd pokemon on it with their types and space for a tick)

2) The GameThe game is to then watch Pokemon from the start in chronological order, watching the films at the correct place and drinking shots everytime a new pokemon appears on screen (excluding intro sequences) according to their types. The drinks are assigned to the following types:

Bug-Tequila
Dark- Guiness/Black Vodka
Dragon- Mount Gay Rum
Electric- Aftershock
Fighting- Stella Artois
Fire- Sambuca (lit)
Flying- WKD Blue
Ghost- Malibu/Bloody Mary
Grass- Joint (weed)
Ground- Coffee
Ice- Ice cube
Normal- Vodka
Poison- Snakebite
Psychic- Ribena
Rock- Joint (hashish)
Steel- Irn Bru
Water- Water

So the first time Pidgey appears on screen (Flying and Normal types) you have to drink a shot of WKD blue mixed with a shot of vodka and tick it off on the drinkedex. The first time Pikachu appears (Electric type) you drink a shot of aftershock etc. When Arceus appears you have to drink/smoke/eat one of everything from the list.

3) Winning the Game
The winner of the game is the player who upon seeing every pokemon and watching to the end of the current season put their glass on their head and says "It's not just for kids".

So watch this space! We've got all the episodes and some of the alcohol all we need to do is to get the Maniacs together, which typically takes up to 6 months. Until then mayb you too could join in or maybe start buying up some of the equitment needed.

* We don't normally advocate the use of illegal drugs unless she is being a bit resistant but if you want to play the game and show the world that it isn't just for kids, buy a nine bar today!

[PlanetEarth]: LFG Need Healer

If you were in the UK this summer you may have noticed that there was in fact no summer, we have lost “seasons”, we have expelled so may fucked up gasses into the atmosphere that we have effectively killed summer. It is this writer’s humble opinion that we have in fact fucked-up the whole world, beyond fixing. Hurricanes, Tsunamis, Seas drying up, and all sorts of other weather related extinction events happening on bigger and grander scales. This of course makes things like wars, oil, Jihads, Politics, Religion, PS4, the 9th WoW expansion, Nintendo doing a global release of a title, the end of Lost, the iPod-killer and the Spice girls re-uniting, all redundant.

And so what does our government do to try and stop this issue… it encourages us to use less carrier bags from the supermarket. Yeah nice.

The whole problem is that there is too many of us, and we have reached a point in our social evolution to the point where no-one cares, we work 9-5, then eat our tea in front of Coronation Street, and just hope that things will be ok. And nothing will change, bar some kind of social revolution, but none of us can be bothered because we are just counting the hours to the weekend.

In theory this makes everything redundant, science, arts, and yeah even gaming, as all of our progress will not be saved.

[1. General] [PlanetEarth]: LFG Need Healer.

So this is a big shout out to the Developers, stop delaying games, we don’t have much time left… especially if it’s all grind-fests. I bet if you were to weigh up the amount of hours left in the world versus the hours required to grind all classes to maximum level (including skills etc) for the MMOs already out there, it wouldn’t be that far off. The time left for classics to be classics is also dwindling.

Ok, let’s say for instance there is a big mass extinction and humans do manage to survive, what sort of future do we have to look to? And more importantly what will happen to gaming.

1. Matrix Style.
Arguably the best scenario for games, the machines take over then slot us all into one giant MMO, unfortunately it seems that the game we are stuck playing is a pretty version of second life, and you can only get funky moves if you take the red pill, and deal with RL stuff.

2. No-Technology.
Yeah this is bad news, what with the tidal waves, flooding, or the sun being blocked out by smog/volcanic ash. We have no real means to power 360s, let alone HDTVs. Also Microsoft would likely get destroyed, no more Critical updates for Direct X 13, and no customer support for the Red rings of death.

3. The resurrection.
God gets resurrected, he is so pissed off with what we have done to the planet, that he smites all the n00bs and haXXorz with his uber-1337 deity skillz.

4. Bizz-world
The success of WoW keeps stretching into the future, to the point where everyone on the planet has an account. They release a new patch, which integrated the worlds last remaining power sources actually in the game. Problem is some blizz-employee, spills his coffee on the main server.

/earth
The world (server) has gone down.
/exit earth

5. The dead shall rise from the grave
Mutations, and scientific experimentation to try and extend human life leads to Zombies. The last salvation of man is the new Carthage: Raccoon city. No games here, just a weak Resident evil link.

6. A Utopian society.
We learn to live underground, but not in a skanky Xion way, we harness the earths core for energy, living in a balance with nature/consoles, getting our exercise from the Wii 3 using the full body wii-mote, getting entertainment from the Xbox 1080, getting porn from the internet, Sony will still be there pushing blu-ray.

Etc…

Anyway remember this the next time you pick up a game you have not completed: Finish that bad boy because in a few years there may be no more gaming/humanity. And don’t feel bad about playing them either, as everything will be gone too, all those “worthwhile” pursuits such as Arts and Sciences with be worth as much as the games: Jack and Shit, and Jack just got radiation poisoning from the nuclear fallout.

Alternatively if you don’t want to complete it, go recycle something.