Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Durex alienates gamers, sales not affected.

When you see these:
For the love of god dont think:

So you made it this far. Not bad girl.......

I'm psyched like you wouldn't believe!!That's right kiddies it's TGAM birthday soon today it's officially TGAMB-Day-2. Shy Guy is pretty fucking psyched about it and so should you be. As Chief Brian Irons expresses we've not done bad for girls and who would of thought we would make it. We faced discrimination, legal threats, the PS3 launch, Richie's Animephilia, that month when blogger tried to shut us down, public (ish) ridicule from Miss Bea Havin from 1990's magazine Playstation Pro and the WoW AIDs. But we're still standing after all this time. Don't touch that dial and find out how you too can join in with the TGAM one year birthday.
Noogins

In the Front: Dinotopia and the Timestone Pirates
In the rear: New Super Mario Brothers

Friday, May 25, 2007

iGasm.. Really?

We have the honour of presenting our guest writer Rebecca from out sister site the soon to be launched: thatgirls.co.uk

Hi all,

Rebecca here, to follow on from the lovely Richie's posts on the iPod plug-ins we have yet another iPod plug-in! This time it is from none less than my favorite shop in the whole world Ann Summers!

Reasons why Ann Summers is the best shop in the whole world:

1. They sell sexy underwear.
2. All the staff are generally good looking, and extremely helpful. If you happen to be a guy and having to buy something for your lady friend... Just approach the staff, they dont judge!
3. They sell toys, special toys, special toys that do cool things.
4. They sell those cool panties that have little ties at the side, possibly the sexiest invention ever made on the whole planet ever.

Please check out Richie's posts on these toys such as the iBuzz, the OhMyBod etc...

The wonderous things about these devices is that it does go with any type of music.

Recommendations
Beethovens 9th (AKA Ode to Joooooooooooooooyes-yes-yes)
Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes (Turn the bass up for this one)
Paradise City - Guns n' Roses

Hell, Just experiment

Love n' hugs

Rebecca XXX

There you have it... Enjoy.

Postcards from the multiverses










From the top: 1) Sometimes it is good to preserve these things for the future. 2) Sonic Rush thank you for playing. I took this photo because I was going to do a tirade about how games these days don't thank you for playing. I didn't because I realised that Sonic Rush had been one of the few games I've completed for a long time so there might not be a ase to make. 3) Classic Timesplitters Future Perfect glitch. 4) Sometimes it isn't so good to preserve these things for the future. OUCH Chuff! 9? 5) Lethal accidents in Vice City. 6) The reality of DS gaming in England. 7) Killzone head on floor 8) A sample of the carnage after the first That Guy's con. 9)-12) Remember the Rag Doll years? Every game had to have ragdolls. These shots are from Killzone. 13) G-man got stuck in a teleporter. 14) 'Self portrait' by CJ. 15)Parker and Stone were right! Everyone has it. This was proof that even offline games weren't safe. 16) Gears of War cake by Wendy_72. Wendy_72 is prone to spontaneously making cakes like the Shit Tits and Balls cake from TGAMCon 1. 17) This was from my corporate days in Animal Crossing. I got some serious flak for taking sponsorship from Marlboro. I admit it now. I sold out. 18) PROOF! PROOF! That I was griefed in Animal Crossing. I'm writing to Nintendo.
Wish you were all here too!
Bye
Cunzy

Thursday, May 24, 2007

For your Aural pleasure

Yeah, I've got a myspace but whatever, I don't even use it. Myspace is so crap and crass. Anyway as I was saying here are the reasons why I'm important. I get things that no one else gets. I'm intelligent but sensitive. I'm lonely. So, lonely.
Desert island Dizzy was perhaps the second greatest game of all time after North vs. South and Haunted Maze by Ed Federmeyer. One of the reasons it was great is because of the music on the demo screen. It was awesome. It moved me in ways I cannot explain. A woman should not be made to feel that way by music alone *blush*.

Ahem, anyway over at the formidable Overclocked remixes a chap called Makke has made an excellent remix. Granted it diverges a fair bit from the source material but it's a great song nonetheless: Dizzy_the_Adventurer_Mix_Dizz_OC_ReMix.mp3

In other news.....To all Bloggers announcing their myspace and then saying that "Yeah I have one but I don't use it, or whatever". It's OK. Myspace is much more popular than any blogs because real people use it as a social tool. Blogs are for fake people to boost their own egos. Well the people that use myspace aren't really people either. They are the same people as the Youtube people, the ones that can be bothered to actually comment. Anywho, all traffic is good traffic x.

Also...
Coming soon: TGAM myspace. Watch this space. We're nor going to use though, or whatever. Anyway....Noogins.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Deconstructing Weak-Ass Arguments about gaming on the Internets #48

WHATEVER NERDSIf you are as nerdy as me, you have no doubt gone about the web and read a plethora of girl gamer blogs, sites that have four posts on them, (most of which are copy and paste Etsy rummages from the excellent Wonderland) the latest post is about four months old, the comments boxes are largely empty and the only thought out article is one about “There are no strong female characters in video games”. Today I’ll be arguing that this is a bogus statement.

This argument isn’t new but the release of Super Princess Peach prompted a revival in the “computer games femmes are often portrayed as weak argument” by male and female gamers alike. Now it seems that any female gamer wanting to say something on the internets has to have written something like this in order to demonstrate that they really care or have something of worth to say about it.

Personally, given the choice I will play as a female character most of the time. They tend to be more interesting and less generic than male characters but I’m not making a statement about anything. My playing as a female character is no more interesting or noteworthy than the fact that in FPSs I’ll play with grenades or a grenade launcher more than any other weapon. It’s just the way I play.

As for strong female characters, (I’m not going to be so insidious as to say role models), some of the greatest games of all time have decent female leads or main characters: Rebecca, Claire, Ripley, Regina, Jade, Samus, Garnet, Koudelka, Nadia, Jill, Heather, Joanna, Lara and D’arci Stern are a few that spring to mind. At this point it’s customary to bring looks into the argument and say something about how female characters are only viewed as strong because they are sexy or they conform to the “Hollywood pedalled ideal of big tits, small waist and eyes as big as the moon”. Well that is true but it isn’t specific to female characters. Look at male characters. With minor exceptions most are generic hotties, which look scarily like the Diet Coke boy from the TV ads.

The female characters often tend to be more interesting/strong across games too; in as much as you can be a strong or interesting character in a game where zombies have taken over the world is the central premise. Men are often one dimensional characters also. By interesting I don’t mean, they have 20+ pre-recorded Bruce Campbell soundbites. Cases in point: WARNING SPOILERS

Harry Mason: Spends most of the game asking himself idiotic questions “Where’s Cheryl”. “What is it?” Oh yeah, he also dies.

Leon: Leon spends most of Resident Evil 2 trying to play the hero and protect and escape with Claire/Sherry/Ada, much to his frustration. He even asks himself at one point “Why does no-one listen to me”. Ah, diddums. Oh and even then Ada saves his life at least 4 times.

Chris: Yes! At last a decent 3 dimensional male character. He gets to be able to take more bites to the face but Jill can use a lock pick and Rebecca can play the piano. Wow Chris, you are a valuable asset to the S.T.A.R.S team.

Steve (Code Veronica): Dies.

Cloud: Is properly emotionally repressed and emotionally immature. The bit where he is in a wheelchair and can’t say anything is hardly noticeable.

Squall: The original …… boy who is so backward he can’t even answer Quistis when she hits on him and who takes something like 100 hours to even hint to Rinoa that he might be interested in her.

Gordon Freeman: Captain charisma himself. I think he was Squall’s role model when he was growing up.

Kurtis Trent: (Tomb Raider Angel of Darkness): Dies

Pig Boy from Beyond Good and Evil: Is literally a PIG. Yes, the symbolism is pixel deep.

Sam Fisher: They call him bland……James bland.

Frank West: See this brilliant piece of writing here. You should be able to do that in the game. Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you have to fight things. More cowardice should be allowed in video games. I know I wouldn’t go into the mall why should I be forced as a man?

Crash Bandicoot: Ok, sticking with the animal theme. He’s next to mute where as Coco is both intelligent and can speak.

Phoenix Wright: Wouldn’t be able to solve a single case without the help from his numerous female colleagues. Those both alive and dead.

Mario: The original male protagonist. 281 games and still the best he can come up with is “It’s a me! Mario”. Also, he’s slightly chubby as well so I might get on my high horse and denounce Nintendo of being hardcore militant feminists. What kind of ideal do they give males who use videogames as their sole source for influence and role models to aspire to??

Pikachu: (specifically the one from the TV show/Pokemon Yellow).Well, I’m not convinced the Pikachu is male anyway. I’m sure that Pokemon purists can quote lines from the games/series to say otherwise but I’m not going to believe what fictional characters say of other fictional characters. Pikachu has a women’s voice. There is no point here.

Snake: The original grunty man’s man. We’re busting no stereotypes with Snake. The only time he shows any emotion other than testosterone is when he’s in his box in Snake Eater.

Link: He might be an exception had he been instilled with any kind of character whatsoever. As it stands he shows the same joy at saving the Hyrule/Zelda etc. as he does the first time he picks up a rupee. I think Drawn Together’s interpretation of Link might be the most accurate.

Zangief: Well there is an exception to every rule I guess.

Ironically, the only game that lets me play as an anaemic, evil, foul-mouthed, short of breath, lazy, weedy geek male (your average male) is GTA San Andreas. Aha! Oh, but of course you play as a male so we lazily lump that in the sexist bin with Tom Clancy’s latest Big Balls in Big Balsiztan 2: Cocking Anti American Evil in the Wrong ‘un With Our Huge Army Wangs Like Real Men. (BBiBB2:CAAEitW’uWOHAWLRM).

I can understand some of the frustrations of MMORPG players who want their female characters to be on the other side of slutty. However, busty, leggy, naked females have been a key part of fantasy as a whole genre since the beginning. Without busty, leggy, naked females who knows where the fantasy genre would even be these days. Without thousands of prepubescent geeky teenagers getting their cheap thrills from the box art of D&D there probably wouldn’t be a WoW today. Getting rid of the injustice inherent to the system might be a tough nut to crack.

So in summation, I’ve barely started really but I think it’s more balanced thought than some other authors have given the subject. We can all pick and choose examples to use to unfairly support some bias or agenda we might have. In all honesty I think it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other. Either way computer games, blogs and the internet is for nerds so whatever, nerds. I’m off to take three guys in my butt whilst getting suffocated with big fat wet front flaps smothering my face whilst playing golf on a skyscraper on my friend’s secret island in the sun with my millionaire friends and my 18 supermodel girlfriends whilst drinking champagne from poor people’s empty skulls and ‘dry hump dancing’ as Elton John puts more money in my thong, so enjoy struggling on the third boss nerds. Fucking nerds.

P.S. Note to pseudo-academics, feel free to steal these examples and use them in your latest pathetic study of ideas of gender in video games or some other such pop culture twaddle because I know you can’t be bothered to do any real research but I’m fed up of reading “academic” publications on videogames that draw solely on your experience of that time you played Myst whilst you were in college and what you read when you googled “Girl Gamer”. Just make sure that the next time one of your students is giving you head for extra marks, get him/her to call you Cunzy1 1 x x

I object... Well not really.

Its Confession time...

I was bored one day and, well, bought "Singstar Rocks" I have a friend who own "Legends" and "Popworld" and yesterday I bough the 80s edition.

The maths behind this... 4 Singstar games I have played.

Ok, ok before you judge, before you start saying things like, "Oh my god Richie, Singstar is meant for 13 year old girls", I need to defend myself. Ok , admittedly you are not going to get Jack Bauer playing Singstar, but it's sooo fucking funny, everyone should have copies for one good reason...

Come home drunk, several friends, sing Karaoke. Genius!

Highlights:
"Rocks"
Kasabian - Cutt-off
Killers - Somebody Told Me
The Offspring - Self Esteem (La la, La la la, la la, la la la)

"Legends"
The Righteous Brothers - Unchained Melody
David Bowie - Life on Mars
Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire
Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence

"Popworld"
Blink 182 - What's My Age Again?
Robbie Williams - Let Me Entertain You
Marilyn Manson - Personal Jesus
The Black Eyed Peas - Shut Up
Girls Aloud - Love Machine

"80's"
Run DMC - It's Tricky!
Nena - 99 Red Balloons
Blondie - Atomic
Alice Cooper - Poison
Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby

Richie singing out

Monday, May 21, 2007

That Boy's A Maniac Award- May

Girl's suck! Yes it's the return of our "regular" feature The TGAM Maniac Award. This month the award goes to the 14 year old kid who called W_72 "sad for being a girl and playing computer games" over an Xbox LIVE headset during Gears of War. Good job nerd, but it'll be less funny for you when you have to start paying for games and Xbox LIVE subscription for yourself. Then you'll find out what sad really is.

I feel sorry for generic Xbox Live kid47. They've got so much to go through, puberty, getting caught humping a sock whilst watching the shopping channel by their Mom, being a skaterkid for three months until your parents refuse to buy you a new board, earning your brown wings in the back of some guy's car for a bag of bon bons. Ahhhh! Sweet memories.

Contratulations, Kid, your half way to becoming a real boy and you are this month (and this year's so far) Maniac.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Totally Stolen News........

.......from kotaku, which is alright I guess.


Anyway, our skirts are literally dripping now so head over to here to get yourself off to screenies etc.

In other news, I bought my first Xbox game today and it's a shameful one. Know what it is? Answers in a comments box plz.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Hey- Low!

So All-Star and TGAMer, Chuff_72, our eye on Xbox Live reports that yesterday:

"Well I got home yesterday, and everyone in the world was logged into Crackdown waiting for the Halo 3 Beta to go live (it was supposed to at 2pm) and for some reason it wouldn't, so I went online and it was basically carnage! There were people on Bungie.net threatening to sue and one dude said he was gonna hang himself! Sooooo funny, I love people I do! All Bungie were saying was "sorry" so it left all these retards crying like little girls… Anyways they have apparently fixed it and both the Dr and I set it to download this morning, ready to go tonight - I will have a full TGAM Special on it tomorrow… probably."

Which reminded me that there have been a couple of low blows to the Halo community in recent days. A lot of people rolling their eyes because there's a new game and it's going to so popular but no-one understands games anymore. It's not all about the twitching it's about really 'getting' the game by laming it up on World of Warcraft with 7 million other losers.
It's interesting the polarisation of gamers. MMORPG players tend to want to cyber other players pretending to be women, they don't like fighting and they are happy to be rewarded for clicking the mouse button on enemies. They hate graphics and like to chat and think that they know gaming because they've only played one game in their whole life. FPS players on the other hand are all about reflexes, skill, training and talent. For them everyone else is rubbish, they are the best. It doesn't matter that most of the games are identical and within two weeks everyone is using glitches, cheats and mods to get the cheap win. Just look at it! It's so shiny and slick. Only big bad boys with bouncing balls dare to play this kind of game. Or 12 year old american fucktards. Fucking nerds wank over this

Anyway, in conclusion it doesn't matter because you are all a bunh of nerds. Whilst you are wanking over pictures of Super Mario's anus I'm going to be doing coke off of twenty real life women's snatches whilst completely drunk on champagne and moonshine and driving a ferrari and getting round the clock blow jobs whilst dance humping super models as we laugh long and loud at how pathetic all you nerds are playing you videogames at the same time you're in your basement dinging level 2. Fucking nerds. Get a life losers.

It is like the dessert.

Yeah it's like the desert! I'm sad at not being part of what we could now call 'this gen' and I think that all the players have had an ample chance to win my, an avid gamer’s, attention. I have been singly just utterly unimpressed by the PS3 post launch. Re-hashed 360 titles, mediocre generic titles and a blu-ray drive just don't justify spending that much ££££. Sorry guys you've had a while to get me onside, but I’m not convinced. Or am I?


FTW!!!!!

Think about it, think about holding that controller: the back of it resting against the ulnarial digits (Ring and pinkie fingers), the index and middle fingers slowly curve round and rest, in a kind cosmic alignment, on the shoulder button and triggers. The thumbs circle themselves round, they hover slightly, the tip of the right thumb grazes the 4 buttons, circle, triangle, square and the ball of the thumb comes to rest on X. The right thumb caresses the D-Pad, almost admiring the contours of the different material, pushing against the extra friction is causes, snaking in and out of the valleys between the 4 classic primordial direction buttons. The thumbs them move, they passionately move up, forcing themselves upon the analogue sticks. They click the R3 and L3 buttons. At that point… that familiar clicking sound, everything feels right, it’s Playstation, the old friend, the old buddy, the one who is always there. So what if you don’t have many games right now, hell none of them did at the start, but we all know in our heart-of-hearts that the time of the Playstation has not yet come. Rejecting the PS3 is like turning out a close friend into the cold streets, just because you don’t find him interesting any more.

The PS3 controller is the most mature of the bunch. It takes the classic formulae and expands it, it adds motion sensitivity, but in a good way, it is refined, you won’t be flailing about like an autistic monkey with a piece of string, and above all, the D-Pad and analogue sticks are in the right place, don’t let Microsoft tell you different.

As for games, again in your heart of hearts you know they will be better than the Wii, and pretty much similar to the 360, but they will feel better on the PS3.

PROJECT: You know the PS3 is right for you, but wait for the price drop and more releases.

Xbox 360 fund = £0
Wii fund = £0

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Resident Evil 4-D Executer

Morning sports fans. If any of you remember hearing about that 3D scary resident evil ride, well the video for it is on Youtube. In Spanish. It's worth a watch for any Resident Evil fans out there.

Here they are:

Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 It's quite good so do check it out!

Enjoy

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Oh yeah

You know who's L337? Me that's who. YEAH! BTW I have not played two of those games on my gamer card. Guess which two? Going underground, going underground. Seriously, I know you guys got some Xbox360 envy goin on right now.


Check Mr.Terrible games at the bottom. The shame.

It is like the desert

Yeah it's like the desert! I'm sad at not being part of what we could now call 'this gen' and I think that all the players have had an ample chance to win my, an avid gamer's, attention. I have been singly just utterly unimpressed by the PS3 post launch (we all know about pre-launch). Zelda, Wii Play and a dodgy not even tested fake online mode just don't justify spending that much ££££. Sorry guys you've had a while to get me onside but not convinced. Which means..... FTW.

Why you say? Well it's actually online like the Dreamcast and the DS, it's got flagship next gen games that really do impress me, it's fun, I can play Gears or War, all the Dooms, no more wires, Dead Rising, the remaining members of Catch the Monkey B69 are always online, Dino Crisis 3, Bioshock, Oh and I absolutely love the achievements lists and the viral achievements (the six degree achievements where you get an award for playing someone who has played against bods from the developing team).

Downsides: They've had a long time to do a lot and one could argue that they haven't, currently 2 games released that I would want to play, really fucking expensive set up when you throw in Live subscription, wireless controllersx2 charge and play kits and headsets.

PROJECT GET CUNZY1 1 An Xbox 360 STARTS TODAY. Xbox 360 fund= £3

Oh shit. This is actually happening 2

Something is happening and I'm excited!SUPAAA SMASHU NO BROTHENDURU

Although, I'm getting a bit pissed off with these countdown sites. Especially you Mr Nintendo because in all likelihood Europe won't be seeing this game for another 5 chuffing years.

You got to laugh in the face of your rival.

Ahahaha! Let's all point and laugh at Gamespot! In a feat of pure embarrassment gamespot have made a woopsie (typo) on nothing less than their front page!

Look:


Mortal Kombat: Armageddo?

Armageddo?

ARM-AG-EDDO?

*Tut tut tut* Silly gamespot.

Please note: I am aware that perhaps focusing on the misspelling of “Kombat” would have been a more amusing route to go with this one, leaving the glaring typo. However due to the nature of game titles, which can be as grammatically, punctually and semantically incorrect as they like. Couple that with the fact that Mortal Kombat : Armageddon was not a huge hit, I reckon this would cause more confusion than it would hilarity.

Monday, May 14, 2007

It is like the desert

Yeah it's like the desert! I'm sad at not being part of what we could now call 'this gen' and I think that all the players have had an ample chance to win my, an avid gamer's, attention. I have been singly just utterly unimpressed by the PS3 post launch (we all know about pre-launch). Gears of War and Dead Rising just don't justify spending that much ££££. Sorry guys you've had a while to get me onside but not convinced. Which means..... Sorry guys FTW. Why you say? Well it's affordable, it's not so geeky, it's fun (allegedly), I can play the entire Resident Evil back catalogue from 0-4 (that's six games people), both super smash brothers, it can talk to my DS, Crystal Chronicles, Pokemon, I know more people with a Wii than any other console (lot of non gamers too), I can play Pokemon Channel every day without finding all the relevant GC cables etc. I might get fit? Oh and virtual console has games that I might want to play (don't give me that shit about Geometry Wars either).

Downsides: The Gamecube +1 graphics, currently 4 games released difficult to get hold of.

PROJECT GET CUNZY1 1 A Wii STARTS TODAY. Wii fund= £3

Friday, May 11, 2007

A new Resident Evil DS?

I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair...Yes, yes there is but it isn't Resident Evil Deadly Silence, it's Resident Evil Douche Simulator! We have insider information from someone currently testing the game. You'll be able to douche some of your favourite characters from the series racing against the clock to 'fresh that fem'.

It was revealed to us that there will (surprise surprise) be unlockable characters. One of which is Zombie Female 3 from Resident Evil 2. Capco said:


"she has green and bloody Douche-juice"



Of course she does Cacpom. Of course she does. Expect to see it hit shelves in August and probably stay there for two days before being replaced with Sponge Bob Squarepants meets Catz: Barbie Princess Army Men.

So this is what we call a heart warming family reunion

Hey kids it's time for a triforce-esque update from me and some of the things I've been up to:

1) This weekend was That Guy's A Maniac Mini-Con 2007! Following the success of TGAM Con and TGAM con 2 son of TGAM Con and TGAM Con 2 was a great success. I finally busted the dirty sequel to TGAM's 2006 Game of the Year, Timesplitters Future Perfect, accidentally. It started by me showing Chuff_72 and Quadbee how hard the last four challenges were to get a gold on. I ended up getting two platinums and two golds so that's another game 100%ed! Many games were played, by many I mean mostly three: Quake 2, Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles and Dinotopia: Something About Suntone Pirates. Quake 2 was probably king and we managed to get a hall of fame all star line up for some Quakage, the likes of which have not been seen for some years- Quadbee, Chuff_72, Robisgay and Cunzy1 1. We also got to the last level of FFCC.
Dinotopia Sunstone Pirates is a pretty awful game but I got quite far by imagining the main character had white hair. That way he looks like Dante and not like Frodo sodding Baggins.Mr. Frodo why are you in such a shitty game? 0/10THAT WAY IT WAS ALMOST LIKE A DEVIL MAY CRY GAME WITH DINOSAURS IN IT ON THE GBA. Oh shit it's Dante! 10/10Which, for a long time has been a favourite wet dream of mine.

2)Inspired by Devil May Dinotopia at TGAM Mini Con 2007, I finally beat Devil May Cry 3 on Normal mode. It turns out I just had to try a bit rather than turning it on periodically and trying to beat Dante without really remembering the controls. Who'd a thunk it?

3) I went to a conference about Second Life but I didn't mention to anyone that it was full of perverts who need more than emoticons from their chat programs. No one did a talk about it's uses for children touchers either which was disappointing to say the least.

4) I drank a lot of alcohol, for a long time but it was one of those "drink forever and not get drunk" times and I'm one of those people who is happy to admit that I drink to get drunk. Why do people always say that they don't drink to get drunk? Do you like the taste of beer really? Really? Or do you just like to spend a lot of money on drinks for fun.

5) Played a bit of Super Smash Brothers with Quadbee. Fox and Falco are officially cunts. Seriously.

6) Played and pretty much busted Pokemon Channel. It is the greatest game of all time. Essentially you sit and watch TV with Pikachu but in a game. That is it really. I've decided that it is TGAM's Game of the Year 2007 despite the fact that it wasn't released in 2007 and that the Gamecube was dead in 2007. I'm going to write a lengthy EDGE style wankfest where I compare Pikachu to Faust and Guy Fawkes and then ramble on about Gibson. It is going to start like this "the sounds of hot man syrup pit-a-patting on the floor increased until it was an inexorable continuous sound as the Nintendo logo filled the screen and the enigmatic shriek of 'Pikachu' resonated around my already wet ear lobe".

7) I bought a copy of EDGE to practice my ritin for my End of Year game of the year review. May's issue has a fine example of how to write a seven page long piece of crap. Check out the "Play pen" article. It's too EDGE for even EDGE. Firstly it's about writing in games (snoooooze+10 wankery points), secondly it's seven pages long (+25 wankery points) and the whole thing is practically unreadable unless you are the kind of person who thinks that they actually enjoy Second Life for reasons other than sexing with other men pretending to be women (+100 wankery points). Extra wankery points are awarded for the over use of the words cinematic, medium, dialect and incongruous. The reader's letters are pretty awful too, they're trying too hard to get a job by writing wankery. The last letter ends "How many more adults would play Metal Gear Solid if it really was an Oedipal tragedy?". Come on, I'm not even lying either but the answer is "Significantly less people should think that they should write to EDGE whilst watching themselves 'fluff the pillow' in their mirror after taking a heavy dose of wank pills".

Cunzy out

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

iVisualise

You know what bothers me? iTunes Visualiser, It has been out for about 4 years now and if any improvements have been made to it, they have certainly not been aesthetic. To be honest I don’t even turn visualiser on anymore, for two reasons, firstly that fucking apple logo pops up in the middle every 15 minutes, and secondly it is the same patterns over and over again. I would like a bit more coding going into the visualiser I would like it to read the ID3 tags and interpret the song names genres etc.
Its simple, certain patterns will get created from certain genres:

Metal/Hard Rock – Mainly black with fire motifs spikes and chains.
Pop – Light breezy pinks, purples, blues, brighter.
Electro – Pulses of neon colours.
Classical – Hard to classify (sick) due to the range of classical music, suggest refined, bold colours like black and white, perhaps a sheet music motif.
Spoken Word – Simple oscilloscope
Podcasts – Given there appears to be a library of different patterns I believe that Podcast preparers should be able to choose when certain motifs come into play.
Hip Hop/Rap – A large pattern devoted to the bass in the background in front the usual visualiser.

Is only a few of the genres that could be added. Now to expand upon this there should be certain themes to match the mood of the song. Simply if the Song name has a colour in it such as “Green is the Colour” by Pink Floyd or “Purple Rain” by Prince the main colour in the visualiser should match those colours. Certain other key words should be added such as Summer, Sky, Love, Heart Death, Space, Psychedelic with appropriate patterns to match them, even to the point that the ID3 Tag could define these visualiser patterns for certain points in the song.

But it also doesn’t end there…

As generic as the visualiser is, it should really have an option to be bold, certain artists such as the Beatles, Pink Floyd, Beethoven should be recognised in the ID3 identification and more appropriate patterns, colours should be shown.


Well that’s my idea Mr Jobs, iTunes is already like 30Mb to download, a few other Mb to add this stuff in would not go amiss.

Richie signing out.

Oh god they can see my Winkie!

Woooo BOOBIES!

Turns out X-Ray is a possibilty nowadays!! If you set your nightvision enabled camcorder to "near infrared"...

These “near infrared” light waves are the waves that are penetrating the material and reflecting an image of the body surface.

See the story here.
Rock on...

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

I can has touch?

Hey Kids!

Given my morbid almost perverse desire to combine sex and video games, and since my last pose was waaaay back in February for my Valentines Day sex and video games ideas, I thought it was time for a quick update.

There’s a bird out there that has designed a new Pong controller for couples. It’s a bra, grope the left one and the paddle goes left, grope the right one and the paddle goes right. Check out the videos here.

I have to say that this is delightfully unimaginative, pong has to be the least arousing game/concept out there. However, granted that using erogenous zones as controllers is a masterful idea in itself. There has to be better games to apply this to, something a bit more fast paced… I dunno say an R-Type like game moving up and down, whilst rapidly pressing the fire button seems to lend itself almost too perfectly…

But anyway so if you get two folk working together on this and given that sex gives that heady melding of two souls, could we potentially get a game with one hero but controlled by two mid coitus? Lets say one player controls the characters movements using pressure pads of their partner, whilst the other player controls the characters swords and guns?

Upgrade those swords!
Charge those guns!
D.E.V.I.L. T.R.I.G.G.E.R
Reach for the Super Stylish Combos!

DEVIL MAY CRY 5: [Witty Sexual tagline]

/wnak.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Pokemon Update

Right! It has been a week now. And Pokemon Pearl is fucking awesome! It is more of the same but with some fairly funky remixes. So what benefits does the DS bring to the series? Well… to be honest not that much. Most of the game is controlled with the D-Pad and DS buttons and there is not much cause to use the touch screen, you use the touch pad to select your pokemon attacks, thankfully the touch buttons are big and can be used by fingers and not the stylus. The only time the stylus really comes into play is the name input screen. There are other touch pad functions in the Pokétech, which is a device that shows up on the touch screen, it has a pedometer, the item finder, a clock, a calculator… all welcome additions to the pokemon world. Other than that the game Is playing along nicely with some rather interesting evolutions, including examples of sexual dimorphism, and allopatric speciation.