Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Valentines Day!

Oh Sick! Its that time of year again, where you cry at home and watch the Brit awards, whilst all of the other happy couples are out grind questing in Outlands to level 70 with their Gamertag sharing partner.

But what about all those happy couples? getting that Epic flying mount is gonna take longer than 1 day of romance, what you need is Richie's Valentine's day guide to gaming.

So you and your partner are gamers, what do you do for Valentine's day? to share those special "hobbies" you both enjoy. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Strip Warioware.

This is a fairly timid yet, sure fire way to get some nudity, fast. The premise is simple you play warioware, either for Game cube, Wii, GBA, or DS link-up, each time a player loses to their partner the lose an item of clothing, simple. This can also be played for shots, if you are trying ease the partner into suggesting a strip version, It can also be played for sexual forfeits. "Ok, if you win this one, I'll let you stick it anywhere" a la Sarah Michelle Gellar.


2. Marathon Laps.

Dig out your copies of Project Gotham, Gran turismo, and Need for Speed! Your partner sets the number of laps, difficulty and placing and your goal is to perform the "Both-watch -X-Files"* position. and sustain coitus for the duration of the race, ideally with the point of orgasm on the finish line, this gives couples a gauge for that ever sought after blissy come-together moment. As I mentioned before your partner can also set the position of the race and dependent on the finishing position you can also aim for certain sexual bonus. e.g.

5th or lower: No ejaculation. i.e. "Game over. Retry?"
4th "Come on my belly"
3th "Come on my Tits"
2nd "Come in my mouth"
1st OH MY GOD!! GOLD MEDAL Come inside me!!.


3. Foreplay Points.

This gives the player and partner to brush up on their oral skills. The Player Will be achieving insurmountably cool points/Kudos/cash in a Tony hawks/snowboarding or any other extreme sports game (Guitar hero Works well too). Whilst the player is getting these points, there will be a time limit, and once the player has reached a set point level they are allowed to come at the end of the point limits.
Be very careful on this one, the adrenalin caused by reaching the heart-pounding dizzy heights of high-scores can trigger the odd premo

4. Sentimental Shooting.

Play/wnak.

5. Rez-ibation

Most of you out there will be aware that there is a "vibrating attachment" available in a limited edition Rez pack. This one is simple, Play Rez really well whilst your partner enjoys the "vibrating attachment".

Those are but a few of the many "games" you can play. Feel free to mess around with the formulas most 2 player games can be modified to include sexual forfeits and favors, though the wii can prove to be a little too be restricted in certain positions. Remember to utilize the Vibration function where appropriate.

Cunzy1 1 adds:

6. Sporty Sex
This requires a bit of set-up but it's worth it. Choose any sports game Fifa, NHL etc. and create a team giving them max stats and name all the players after positions e.g Cowboy, 69, the Badger. Then start a full length exhibition match against the worst team. Start the game in the default position (missionary) and when one of your players scores change to that position until another player scores. For an added bonus call the goalie "anal" on the off-chance that they might score. Continue shagging until the match finishes climaxing in the position of your last scorer.

7. Civilised sex
Very similar to the sporty sex game but more suited to gamers/lovers who like to make love at a slower pace. Set up a game of Civ IV and name all your settlements after sex acts or positions e.g. "Kissherclam" or "Cockinface". Then as the game goes on, when a player sacks or takes over the other player's city/town the player who lost their city has to perform that act on the aggressor. This game can be super fun if you set up a LAN party with 2-10 players. Because Civ takes so long there is ample oppurtunity for a marathon.
(This one goes out to my homies Robisgay and Caz x)

Happy Gaming and don't forget to get your girl to call you Dante at least once.

* Pretty much just doggy-style with both of you facing the TV, preferably a wireless controller too, there's nothing less off putting than wired controllers. though this can serve as an Orgasmic asphyxiation device, in fact the Wii controller+Nunchuk is ideal for this.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Zucht....

Yesterday, Long Time TGAM Commentor and occassional guest writer Chuff_72
said:
"OH SIIIICCCKKKKKKK someone on this blog is planning on getting ALL the games with dinos in... try and guess who everybody. Anyways, that means he/she is gonna have to buy Splashdown 2! There's even a dino on the back of the frikin box! SIIICCCKKKKKKK!!!!"
and
"SSSSIIIIIIICCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! I forgot John Woo Presents Stranglehold, not only dinos but in a FRIKIN MUSEUM!!!!! Another reason to get a 360...Homophobe for dinosaurs."

It's true readers. I'm giving up on trying to collect all the games I would like in my games collection. The sad truth is I just don't have time to play them all and I know that one day soon I'm going to lose a cable, lead or accessory which means some of my old consoles are going to have to be put down. For good. Nothing but museum pieces.

Until then I'm going to try to get every game that has featured dinosaurs (real dinosaurs, sorry Yoshi, Bub & Bob) and then beat that game. As Chuff_72 rightly points out though there are stacks of games that feature dinosaurs and some of them are near impossible to get anymore. Jurassic Park III DNA Factor anyone?. In fact I'm not sure half of them were ever on general release. They certainly weren't in game.

Anyway, Chuff_72 was right about both Stranglehold and Splashdown 2. Thanks to IGN for this picture
Prediction. Looks nice, plays nice 6.5/10?
Maybe I was wrong about you IGN? Anyway Stranglehold looking sexy on the left here.

Am I really going to have to get this? YES YES I AM!
Splashdown, something something looking a bit PS3 on the left here, from the wonderful Gamespot.
I can see this is going to be a very expensive endeavour...........
What about you reader? Do you want to completely over-obsess about something in games? You might as well because there is nothing else out on the radar at the moment. Does anyone remember something about next-gen consoles? I heard that one of them was coming out soonish? Ohhh what about the DS? That used to be a good platform. Or the PSP? Is that still on sale near you?


Next Week on That Guy's a Maniac, World's Second Best Videogame Blog....
Richie "I'm a co-author" Posts about something other than non dinosaurs??? Could it be? Stay connected to find out.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Clever Girl...

At the risk of becoming the dinosaurs in videogames blog there's more news on Next Gen dinosaurs. How can you the readers treat the World's Second Best Videogame blog like this? Essentially you should head over to good old gamespot (you could go to IGN but it's a waste of time) here and watch the video for the 360 version of Turok.

It looks spanky, but it is essentially a concept trailer. Tee last shot of the trailer is awesome. I'll be honest I was never a fan of the turok series. The N64 was always shit for FPS. Turok 2 was a good laugh. You could play as a dinosaur!

But look at it:

As I look at this screenshot my semen-dry cleaning bill gets exponentially bigger- squelllchIt's classic next-gen, see here for a more in depth guide to making things next gen. Lots of bump and some anti aliasing- check, make it realistic, add more brown-check, make it dark- check, add some bloom-check.

I'm saving up my pennies right now so I can buy a 360 just for this game which is due out Q3 2007 in the US so probably sometime July 2009 in Europe.

It looks like they were listening to me when I said add dinosaurs into games.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Paraworld

I've noticed our site has had a massive increase in readers in recent days. Massive. I've also received a lot of complaints regarding the in jokey nature of the site so a bit of back story may be needed for those new readers. In which case, read the archives and come back.

For everyone else (Chuff_72). Why did nobody tell me about this? What kind of readers are you? You're supposed to be the World's Second Best Video Game Blog Readers. Shame on all of you. Watch this
It's perhaps the greatest concept for a game in the world ever and we should all be buying things like this right now. Don't hesitate. We need to support the dinosaur based video games industry. If we had to be the Official Nintendo Magazine we'd say it looks like a cross between Dino Riders, Warcraft II and Grand Theft Auto London. Okay so Gamespot gives it a less than average 6. But look at it! Amazing and it's educational, Boris Johnson, because it has dinosaurs, vikings and ninjas.

Personally ninjas don't interest me. A lot of people talk of pirates or ninjas but it's a lazy way of pretending to be wacky by keep going on about it. Also, condoning rape (pirates) and murder (ninjas) is a great way to get yourself raped or murdered. Think about that next time you ask someone "Pirates or Ninjas?".

Meanwhile I'm thinking about Paraworld, specifically:
Achelousaurus
Allosaurus
Ankylosaurus
Apatosaurus
Archaeopteryx
Baryonyx
Bothriolepis
Brachiosaurus
Carcharodontosaurus
Carnotaurus
Corythosaurus
Deinonychus
Dilophosaurus
Diplodocus
Dunkleosteus
Eusmilus
Gallimimus
Henodus
Iguanodon
Kentrosaurus
Kronosaurus
Lambeosaurus
Macroclemys
Maiasaura
Mammoth
Megaloceros
Muraenosaurus
Ornithocheirus
Oviraptor
Panoplosaurus
Parasaurolophus
Pentaceratops
Placochelys
Polacanthus
Psittacosaurus
Pteranodon
Quetzalcoatlus
Saltasaurus
Smilodon
Sordes
Spinosaur
Stegosaurus
Stygimoloch
Styracosaurus
Triceratops
Tyrannosaurus Rex
Velociraptor
Wild boar
Woolly rhino

From Wikipedia of course. But what a list! This is what more games need. The DoA guys knew it too. They were sitting around thinking "what would make our game about titties better, more educational and popular?". They came up with this and it went to be the greatest selling game of all time.

To read more top quality articles about dinosaurs in games go here:
Dinosaurs in Games, Dinosaurs in Art, Next Gen Dinosaurs.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Explorer Reporting


Webcomics. There are a gazillion out there, done by horrible Indie types who probably live in San Francisco, they probably have cats and they probably are responsible for the AIDS. They are mostly about love, excuses to draw boobies or to show off to the world how much stuff the "artist" knows. Amongst the plethora of webcomics there are a tiny fraction about our favourite subject- Videogames. 98% of them however, are either sprite comics comme ca or ones titled "Two Noobs and a Gaymer" or "Just Another Gaming Comic". I've scoured all of these and they are without doubt awful and as the World's Second Best Videogame Blog it's time to play key service to those truly outstanding ones, or the ones that everyone thinks are outstanding. Then we will crown our Queen, the World's Best Videogame Webcomic. NB although our Queen sounds better because we are Second Best and she is the best, this isn't actually the case because webcomics are marginal at best.

In no order whatsoever, albeit arranged by badness with the 5th worst of the best first, running up to and including the 1st best of the best at the end:

5)Concerned Comics Perhaps the greatest videogame comic of all time in terms of the writing, the visuals and other things which comics are in terms of. Based on Half Life 2 it follows the adventures of Gordon Frohman and it's genius. The author Chris C. Livingston also adds technical, comical or just whimsical notes about the 'shooting' of the comic. Why is it in 5th place you ask? Because, alas, it has ended. The story finished. The upside is you can head over there and read the whole darn thing now. Do it. Do it now.

4)Penny Arcade Penny Arcade is to all those arts graduates tenuously hanging on to a "job in videogames" as Gary Larson is to scientists and science academics. They do other stuff as well like Pax which is supposed to be, like, amazing and they set up that charity where you buy toys for kids in the third world. Last year we sent some kid in Wales two yoghurt pots with a string in between. They can play phones. PA is in 4th worst best place because too many people clog up the internet talking about it. This includes me now, again. Also, a lot of people say that it's really 'high concept'. I don't think they know that PA is a webcomic about videogames though. Also the wikipedia page for it is waaaaay too long. The strips aren't that funny either. The writing on the blog bit is insufferably written too. Reading it is like reading TGAM if we were actually trying to communicate something with using longer words.

3)Ctrl alt Del A funny webcomic about videogames. Many people from the internets will try to argue with you and say that Penny Arcade is better. There are many a forum attacking and defending both but ultimately only the opinion of the World's Second Greatest Videogame Blog really counts and they say that it's the third worst of the best comics on the internet. Apparently the creator, "Tim", is really protective of the comic and kicks people off his forums if they say bad things which, by the way, is fair fucking play. If you want to insult people on their own site then go here for god's sake. Amber will sort you out if that floats your boat. There's a place for everything. However, the position in this definitive list is shaky. The comic occassionally features a character called Chef Brian who is just fucking annoying. "People" say you either love or hate Chef Brian but you'll just hate him. His like that guy you went to school with who would try to be random by uttering such random hilarity as "My Mum's golf ball is made of shoes" or who would answer every question with the word "Jam". Later they would become an orthodox Christian and refuse to talk to any non Christians. Later still, like sometime last year they would kill themselves. Not that I have a specific example. Ctrl alt del, lose Chef Brian or drop off this list. Warned, you have been.

2)VG Cats VG Cats is a webcomic by some Canadian guy. I could look his name up on Wikipedia but you can do that. VG Cats is just brilliant, the early comics were a bit slow to get going but the more recent ones are consistently brilliant. Admittedly there are some misses but the hits more than make up for it. Check them site out now! THis one is my favourite.

1) Dinosaur Comics OH SICK, the best videogame webcomic in the world and hence our new Queen is Dinosaur Comics. The shock is twofold. Fold 1. It's not really a videogame comic but occasionally the Devil talks to T-Rex about computer games. Fold 2. It's a Sprite comic which I said was bad. Dinosaur Comics is different though. It's genuinely and consistently funny whilst avoiding the usual pitfalls of cheaply using violence to end a strip or being too in-jokey. Go read all gabijjion of them now they are truly truly awesome. This time it has nothing to do with dinosaurs either! Go read it, you'll laugh and cry all at the same time.




Meanwhile, in video games......

OH FUCKING SICK, DINO FUCKING SAURS in the TOmb Raider 10th Anniversary Edition. I have only just seen this screenies yet my left testicle is now devoid of spunk. As I type I feel the right one emptying onto the floor x
SHINY TOMB RAIDER & DINOSAURS-SICK IT'S FUCKING SICK I TELLS YA.





No Stairway?

Hey Kids,

I have been working on a little project, And its fucking Mental/Amazing! There's a little known site out there called Score Hero and well on the front i would guess it is a place for people out there to measure peoples scores/penis' against one and other create leagues against one and other generally, i suppose, it is just one of those "Online Community" sites. However this site hides a great and wondrous secret. In the forums section there is a sub-section called "Homebrew Projects" Now the tag line for this section is "Discussion about Guitar Mods, Wireless Projects". Where some of this may be true, Its not the golden Holy grail of this section,.Personally I am not bothered by some Stupid-faced loser defacing his limited edition 1972 Fender Expensocaster signed by Elvis and Modding it to be a guitar hero controller. No, the real Holy Grail is a forum sticky called "Idiot Proof Guide to playing custom made songs in GH2."

That's right in this Forum, there is a whole section devoted to getting other songs to be played in guitar hero! Yeah, and by "Other Songs" I don't mean your own, I mean honest to God, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Muse etc in Fucking guitar hero! And you know what, It fucking works! It fucking works. Admittedly you have to own a Modded PS2 (Modded with a Chip which allows Burned games, not Modded as in Some Stupid-faced loser who has added Neon lights and a cooling system to his PS2) but it fucking works. Check it out! It involves Some programs being installed, and also, someone out there who has been kind enough to create a file which contains all the info on where to hit the right notes for the songs, and a copy of the original track you want to put into Guitar hero.

It works! Comfortably Numb, Stairway to heaven, Knights of Cydonia!

Proper fucking Rock n' Roll!

Love and Hugs,

Richie

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Who else?

S.T.A.R.S!! Hey gang, since 2006 we've had, literally, infinite emails from some of our traditionally stalwart readers asking "Why should we stick with you phags? Your site sucks?". We hired a consultancy team to have a look but then we remembered that we didn't actually do that at all. We then tried to examine this question ourselves but we ended up laughing too much. We were pretty funny back in the old days. So I, Cunzy1 1, took it upon myself to use the internet to find out why you, the reader, should stick with us (all 6 of you). I googled "ask jeeves" (which is now just 'ask'. The Jeeves bit was probably judged to be homophobic). I then asked Jeeves "What other videogame blogs are there?". This, dearest friends, is what you could be reading instead*

Result 1 (and 2) Fucking IGN. Nobody reads IGN, their sole purpose is to come first and second in any search with the word game in it. We didn't even click on these because both links were to forums about Sparda vs. other video game bosses. Who cares? If it isn't a sex fantasy Vs. question about videogame characters it isn't worth it. At all. Fuck you IGN.

Result 3 Harvind1's Blog. I like this guy's style- ending his name with a 1 is a master stroke. Of course, two 1s or a "1 1" is much better but, hey, he/she/it is probably a rookie or maverick at best. Anyway to the meat of Havind1's video game blog! The first line is: "It was not that much Important for me. After coming from school there were many sports which were good time pass. Among these one that I loved most was playing marbles. I loved this game because it was some sort of gamble for child" He writes like us! Well done Harvind1 for adopting our style of journalism- Tgamo Journalism! The second paragraph starts "The second game that we used to play was chainbreaker. I don’t know about the general name. This name was coined by us. This game was really strange. One boy out of the group was made a thief." Clearly reading Harvind1's blog daily is empirically, genuinely more interesting and entertaining than reading TGAM. In answer to our original question, you should probably, nay definitely, read Harvind1 before us. If you are in an emergency situation, where you only have 5 minutes and a good internet connection; then check Harvind1's blog first then ours if for some reason his site is down. Shit, I am thinking we may come out of this badly...

Result 4 and 5 Videogame posts on IMEEM Not a real games blog just a collection of things tenuously related. Disqualified from the competition.

Result 6 GameDaily Biz's article on the best videogame blogs! Not a blog as such but if Jeeves tell us it's a blog we must believe the Daft Gay. We were on the shortlist for this but then Richie accidentally called GameDaily Biz a "bit of a spaz". Taken out of context it seems nasty but I assure you it wasn't originally meant like that. Regardless, ever since then we've had no love from GameBizly Day. Coincidentally, they list the greatest videogame blogs as Joystik, Guardian Gamesblog, Terra Nova and the Video Game Ombudsman. As all gamers are want to, we will review each of these "blogs" in one word; Hideous, Boring, Pretentious, French. Jeeves doesn't acknowledge them as blogs so neither do we. Looks like TGAM is still the number 2 videogame blog after Harvind1's!

Result 7 Videogame Blog. Free blog templates and an easy to use, free, bannerless blogging solution. This blog is rubbish. No foetus pictures, no homophobic commentors, no resident evil. Worst videogame blog ever.

Result 8 After a gaming festival drops Super Columbine Massacre RPG! (yes, it’s what you think) from consideration, other videogame makers drop out in protest. Is it art, or just offensive? Another not very good blog, this time by MSNBC. There is only one post and it's about the stupid columbine game. Who cares about a game where you collect corn? GTA San Andreas had a columbine and if you run over people blood comes out the back! 9/10. Oooops, I just accidentally reviewed GTA San Andreas. You can consistently expect such high quality reviews 24:7 from the acclaimed videogame blog That Guy's a Maniac at www.thatguys.co.uk . There is no game too big, no subject too touchy. This blog on the other hand, sucked. You could tell Jeeves was pained to even count it in the search but rules are rules.

Result 9 Rebbawskaced's Website When we checked Rebbawskaced's site he/she had totally copied our idea from early this year and from sometime last year of cunningly replacing our blog with an error page. When we did it, it was art. Expression against Microsoft, censorship and Google. Rebecasked is just a lame copycat. 0/5 Rebbeckini 0 out of 5.

FINAL RESULTS Jeeves gave us 124,500 other blogs to check but everyone knows it's all about the first page results. The final, final result is that in the whole of the internet TGAM is the second greatest games blog, second only to Harvind1's blog. That was proved scientifically by the way so, no disagreeing. Harvind1, cap off to you sir. We can't match the high concept posts you do involving 'Chainbreaker' or games where boys are thieves. Still as a consolation, number 2 isn't bad. Just wait until Harvind1 gets too greedy and then the people start to turn against him. Then we will be king! KINGS AMONGST BLOGGERS! Then we will remember who stuck by us. Until then

Cunzy1 1, co-author, World's Second Greatest Video Game Blog- That Guy's A Maniac, out

*Or at the same time or just before or after. Feel free to use your time however you see fit.

Hilarious

This post was going to be a "how-to write a generic games are bad article for newspapers". You know the kind of article that is blindly ignorant of Jenkins' 8 Myths about videogames. I say this post was going to because dirty love rat laughing stock Mario Party "politician" Boris Johnson already did it for us here. We read it in the more cost-less content EDGE this month. We were thinking of making him the That Guy's maniac of the month but then the Telegraph might pick it up and put it on the front page. The Telegraph is allegedly one of only two UK newspapers that employs a person to google the name of the paper every two hours. Any results are then cut and pasted into the letters section to make it look like they have readers. We do that too. All the anonymous comments are secretely us except "I love the way all the comments are between themselves". That's one of Amber's flunkies. Anyway, the thing:

Here's a list of phrases and terms that BJ (Hah!) uses to describe the dirty habit of sneezing coke and fucking not-your-wife, sorry, I mean playing videogames.

"strobing colours"- I think he has games confused with raves from the 80s and early 90s, still, forgivable I guess....

"cross the room and just say no to Nintendo"- No one in the UK has a Nintendo console nor have they since the Gamecube died early 2005.

"It is time to garrotte the Game Boy and paralyse the PlayStation"- Maybe Boris, we should try to live in the 2000's. I know that since racism isn't allowed much anymore and the royals are a bit of a joke, that it is uncomfortable for you to live in this decade or even century. However, your ignorance and age is showing here. Perhaps you should suggest worrying about the wireless or trashing the talkies? How about we all go nigger baiting whilst drinking fizzy pop? That would be a jolly adventure!

"..that we admitted the catastrophic effect these blasted gizmos are having on the literacy and the prospects of young males"- Truly we are fortunate that a politician is thinking outside the box and not just blaming our shitty education system or the lack of jobs for graduates in anywhere but London. What about their health issues? Shouldn't we be giving the NHS a break?

"We demand that teachers provide our children with reading skills; we expect the schools to fill them with a love of books." Books like your autobiography: BJ How to waddle around like a twat and be successful? Fuck off BJ! Face it. Children of England are just fucking stupid, destined for jobs as guest presenters on TV shows or something in the periphery of politics. I doubt they could even put on a fucking condom some of them. They should be aborted! Oh, sorry Boris a bit insensitive.

"...are bleeping and zapping in speechless rapture"- There should be a variant of Godwin's Law for when lazy game-hate journalists write zapping or bleeping. Zapping! For fuck's sake, are we in a 1950's homo-erotic spaceman comic? Where's our rocket pack or our laser BJ?

"They become like blinking lizards, motionless, absorbed, only the twitching of their hands showing they are still conscious"- That's an accurate description of every office worker in the UK, except they are expected to do 50 hours of it a week. Surely this is good training?Next.

"I have just watched an 11-year-old play a game that looked fairly historical, on the packet. Your average guilt-ridden parent might assume that it taught the child something about the Vikings and medieval siege warfare. Phooey! The red soldiers robotically slaughtered the white soldiers"- Firstly, good sample set. It's nice to get a supporting anecdote in. Thank god the white soldiers didn't wipe out the brown or off-white soliders. That might be educational and topical. Did you engage with the boy whilst he was playing BJ or were you more preoccupied? What were you doing to this poor 11-year-old's mother Boris? Was Daddy around when you were "watching" this child. Why is the parent guilt ridden? No you'd never do that to a nice family unit would you?

"The more addictive these games are to the male mind, the more difficult it is to persuade boys to read books"- This is so true can you think of other leisure time activities that distract boys from reading? Here's some to start you off movies, television, sports.... There should be a study on why girls are immune. What about men and women or are we not including the largest group of people that play videogames? No they would distract from the point you are trying to make.

"Even at university, there are now terrifying numbers of students who cannot express themselves in the kind of clear, logical English required for an essay, and in many important respects if you can't write, you can't think" This work kind of relates to my real life work. BJ hits on a good point. University students of all age, gender and cultural groups can't express themselves clearly or logically. That includes the non-gamers too. Most of my gamer friends are fucking dumb as wll. Lets see, there is a government economist, a librarian, a museum curator, a concert violinist, store managers, artists, game testers, mechanics, a teacher and a university lecturer. Oh shit three of them are Doctors too. Oh man, we as a generation who grew up with games, are fucked.

"The Royal Literary Fund has, in the past few years, done a wonderful job of establishing Writing Fellows at our universities, offering therapy for those who can't put their thoughts on paper; and yet the fund admits that the scale of the problem is quite beyond its abilities"- You're right again BJ. University is the only route to success. We can fix all of societies problems with a good solid watered down entry requirement, overinclusive and expensive university education. God knows we need more arts graduates to work on the tube or work in PR. I heard a rumour the other day that once upon a time people didn't have to go to University. That's right! These people were £12000 richer than all of us straight off the bat!

"It's the software that's the problem. They have not been properly programmed, because they have not read enough." Clever word play BJ clever word play. Software. Programmed. You have clearly read a lot of books. But you know what they say about a man's library, the bigger the bookworm.....

Well that's it really. It's a nonsense article written by a nonsense man about a nonsense subject. The argument that computer games are responsible for poor literacy isn't water-tight. However, if BJ is right about the number of gamers and consoles in the UK isn't it time the government starts to treat gaming seriously? The DCMS, (that's the government department for culture, media and sport, which when it isn't haemorrhaging money into the Olympics that nobody wants, governs "media" and "culture". Both of which, are massively under funded, the Lottery, temporarily keeping some of these projects, inititatives and institutions afloat) website here, has contributed little to nothing towards videogames. A few studies into violence and videogames in which no link was found on a number of occassions and a few exploratory investigations. Until then as gamers we have to suffer from lazy articles blaming, lamenting and generally misunderstanding games and gamers.

Cunzy"I can't read books and play games"1 1 out.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Auchinawa: that was ages ago...

Hi All!

Well a wee while ago I... Ahem... wenttoananimeconvention, and while i was there I thorough the mas variety of Final fantasy and Kingdom Hearts Cosplayers I scoped out the and I quote "Games room". Franky, as i stumbled down the corridor, ambling past some huge pair if black wings from someone dressed us your typical androgynous anime character, with well black wings, my knee's grew weak at the prospect as to what could be behind those mystical doors entitled "Games room". Now I have no idea what to expect, I mean its a Video games room at an anime convention, surely it has to be good right? I mean this must be like the cream of gaming, I mean there may be a few obscure Japanese titles, possibly from a generic anime featuring generic androgynous anime characters, possibly with black wings, but they can be forgiven, as long as there is only a few. As i amble into the room the sight i fall victim to is slightly, shall we say, disheartening.


Figure 1. A Nintendo Gamecube in a wooden box featuring the import title "Bleach".
Figure 2. Guitar hero 2.


Figure 3. Getting better, A Dance Dance Revolution UK machine.

Figure 4. Xbox 360 with Dead or Alive 4

Figure 5. Some one sitting playing their DS all alone, brings a tear to the eye don't it.


And that is it... A few consoles, a stupid dance machine and a lonely emo chick, That guys Field reporter Richie Signing off from yet another trip in to the frighting geeky depth of the soul.

I should also mention Tia was there DJing, we actually got an exclusive from her a while back, read it here

And well this kind of Cosplay i can agree with, Chicks dressed a Ulala! yummy!


Also you can check out Tia's Radio show on Subcity every Monday, the show is called Diversion

Enjoy and G'Night kids.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Games as Art

At TGAM we don't care if anyone thinks of games as art or not. Do you remember the early 2000's when you couldn't move for the internets, mags and forums explaining are games art question? Endless touting of Ico or Rez as pure art. All the while in America there were loads of videogame-art exhibitions. Have you noticed how all the posts this year seem to be very nostalgic? Is it because with the exception of "Halo 3 not yet released" is the only news at the moment? Who can say. Anyway. TGAM, one time only, no more discussion; GAMES AS ART.

If we were pushed we could put Games under the umbrella of art but I wouldn't. Art and Art Galleries fall under my remit as part of my real work outside of Planet TGAM and if you want to associate Games with pretense, boredom, elitism, waste of time and evolutionary worthless then yes, Games are Art*.

I call this piece Crazze PlumbingAll I know is that I'd rather watch final fantasy AMVs set to that song by Linkin Park endlessly than watch David Beckham sleeping, people shouting, a bowl of fruit decomposing or a naked woman slowly slide off her chair. I'd prefer to play Devil May Cry on Dante must Die difficulty than sit through a typical art lecture telling me that obscure foreign art made by an obscure artist during a boring period in history has revolutionised the way we live today. I'd prefer to watch reuns of GamesMaster or a documentary on why Devil Dice is turning American Teens into killers than watch some Oxbridge nonce with 20 silver spoons up his arse explore the 18th Century artwork in a grand mansion in Wiltshire. Of course you may like art but do you go around denouncing things as art? I'm a scientist by training but I don't denounce things as Science or not science.But I guess I'm busy whereas the thousands of work for food art historian graduates have nothing better to do than to convince the Guardian or museums that in fact Pong is the most significant work of art in the 21st Century.

Both gaming and art are marginalised and many people choose to leave both to do other things like get laid, buy houses, drive fast, die on a mountain or have kids. So there is a lot of common ground there. But there is potential. The problem is with a lot of game art is that, as my good friend Brother of ChunkySalsa says a lot of it is "one line art" i.e. it can be explained in one line. There's no deeper levels. Often it looks nice because it's digital. Members of the public say "ooooh", gamers says "i think the fourth level of the Thing would communicate this idea better" and art critics say "what a nice use of media but it's not really art". Game-art needs to either explore gaming or to provoke a viewer response.

Here's some one line game art people should do. Unemployed new media artists feel free to steal this ideas as long as you reference That Guy's a Maniac and as long as you do a sex roleplay with your partner where you call each other Cunzy1 1 and Richie:

1) Record someone playing through Final Fantasy VII to the end recording every single button press. They should then stick Playstation controller buttons to a wall in the sequence in which they were pressed. This piece of art would communicate the dynamic nature of player-controller interface albeit in a static way. It would also highlight how much fucking time gamers waste on a big game with a silly storyline.

2) Create a selection of pikups from Halo and leave them strewn around the gallery. People can pick them up and carry them but they have a timer. When the timer goes off gallery visitors have to drop them. This art highlights the concept of death and camping in FPS as well as highlighting our own mortality

3) Wall of death. An artist should get the online records for one of the squillions of online FPS. They should then construct a wall similar to the Vietnam Veteran's Wall and put all the tags up of people who were fragged. Gamers would come to see if their name was there and it would be controversial, which art galleries and critics love because it condones violence and equates real war with shooting games. Also, I would love to see Cunzy1 1 engraved onto a nice marble.
Geddit it's the man in front of the tanks but on Frogger! Geddit
4) Something Awful Gallery. Someone should just rip all the hilarious videogame photoshop phridays by the genius goons something awful. This art would replace the usual elitism of art galleries with the elitism of the message boards and forums of the internets. The elitism of not knowing your game history.

5) Put Rez on a TV in a gallery and everytime someone says "Oh cool, Rez!" the building burns down instantly. This art explores the themes of combustion and going on and on and on about really average old games. Cough Resident Evil

6) Build the museum from Animal Crossing. That would work. Well Wired and boing boing would love it I guess.

If you are an out of work arts graduate and I suspect if you are an arts graduate you are unemployed and you want more ideas for lazy art based on videogames to get some exhibition together in a Local Authority Museum then give us a shout. We're full of shit ideas like this that you only wish you could of dreamt of that time your friend invited you to an art exhibition where you got to speak to the director for five minutes.

Cunzyed

*Dinosaur art is of course the greatest art ever and dinosaur games are art this is not up for debate

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Comic Book Capers

Today children we are looking at Comic Book Superheroes. We are going to make some sweeping judgements and then try to apply deep philosophy to it just like all those Geeks did to the first matrix. Do you remember that readers? After the first matrix, the people who dressed up as Neo would go around touting how deep the film is and that it touches on some really deep issues. Then someone else dressed as Neo would say "Hey dude!It's not that deep it's just based on this book/anime/thought experiment". Then loads of those media university lecturers wrote books on the Matrix and how it marks a turning point in the late 20th century, cyberpunk became the new stupid thing that hip lecturers and literature teachers would teach in a vain attempt to appear with it and with a finger on the pulse. Do you remember all that reader?

Then the Matrix Reloaded came out and pretty much shat on all those people. It was brilliant.

But it's time for Comic book superheroes to back the fuck off. As gamers we are fed up with your lame tie ins and taking up valuable shelf space in't shops. No one likes comic book tie ins or super heroes. Especially not in the UK. Anyway, here's the thing:

1) X-Men
X-Men isn't about prejudice against the gays, jews or other American "minorities". It's about a guy who has a made up-metal skeleton. Claws come out of his knuckles and he cuts shit up. Can you see Magneto on Queer eye for the straight guy? or maybe Gambit in Curb your enthusiasm? The answer is no. X-men is all about silly costumes and funny super powers. Don't read too much into it geeks!

2) Superman
Superman is perhaps the worst superhero ever. He is "Super"man right? SO why doesn't he just fly up into the stratosphere and listen to everyone's conversations. When he hears naughty people doing evil things he should just bust them with his laser eyes. Instead he insists on doing face to face confrontations by which time he gets gatted by Kryptonite or some skirt is in peril and he only has enough time to save her or finish the badguy. What a pussy. If I was in a film from the 90's pretending to be a hip kid I would be wearing my cap backwards and saying "Weak" right now. Oh and American science geeks with a healthy interest in "popular" culture don't write in saying actually the power of his laser eyes/hearing would be weaker if he was in space or whatever. Firstly the dude can fly so explain that prickles. Secondly, I just don't care about you or your opinion so set up a page on Wikipedia if you need to show people how good you are at maths. Oh and it is maths, not math. Same goes with Lego you ignorant fucks.

3) Batman
Who are you? I'm BATMANIs a total fucking jerk. Not only because the Ocean game on the amiga was solid. If batman fell more than 5ft in the game he would die. By die I mean he would just curl up in the foetal position and you'd have to restart. The batmobile levels were Team Rocket Science too. Just ask celebrity gaming Doctor Dr.Wo about it. Unlike X-Men wikipedia is right when it says Batman and Robin are gay. Not gay in the homosexual boring sense, gay in the lates 90's, annoying, rubbish or disheartening way. Don't even mention the Batwing levels on the Amiga......



4) Captain Commando
OK I'll concede on this one. Captain Commando is the fuckingest awesomest Comic book hero. What's that? He isn't a comic book character? Really then why is he a Captain? Plus he is all about Capcom he is Capcom and we love cap... HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THIS SCREENSHOT. I HAVE JUST FILLED THE 8ft BY 6ft ROOM I AM IN WITH SEMEN TO A HEIGHT OF 9 INCHES AND I AM STILL EJACULATING........

It keeps coming out. When will it end?

Cunzy1 1 Out x

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Well thank fuck for that

Alright dudes and dudettes TGAM is back. Our temporary exile from this most fantastic blog has mean you guys missed out on some excellent posts:

1) The post that was a parody of this one from UK:Res. Oh man it was pretty funny and included some out of the box fresh images.
2) Our belated game-themed christmas carols sung in the style of you're average yanky warbler like "Saiiiii ay ay ay yai halent hill, Ho oo ooo oo oo oo ly hill ayll is braaiyaiyaiyaiyaiyiayyiayt". That was a genius post I'm telling you.
3) You missed some of Chuff_72's anecdotes like the time he believed he liked Tekken and the time he hated the XBox 360.
4) You missed the congratulations, congratulations, commisserations posts for Richie getting a stunning girl, marrying her and then subsequently she died. Of the face AIDS.
5) Our photo exclusive of what happens when you drink 7 pints of wife-beater (stella artois) or big wkd blues (for Richie) and then play Wario Ware smooth moves on the Wii taking shots of Absynthe every time you lose a game. Suffice to say we killed the TGAM cat Celeste. We miss you greatly Kitty but we still have our flickr collection of you wearing a hat, walking on the keyboard looking like you are playing WoW or just looking at the camera like an evil kitty.
6) Our hands on with Dead Rising 2. It's fucking awesome, Zangief, Leon and a dude from Lost Planet are in it. And oh yes oh fukting yes
You didn't miss
1) Our post about how great the Wii including many such hilarious "Wii" words as wiipilosa, wiipedagogy and wiiLaurenceofArabia.
2) Our whiny rant about RTM or WoW or griefing in seond life. No whining at all really.
Bis dann, Happy Frickin New Year and I'll blog you later

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Chaos

Howdy y'all,

Asyou can see there has been very few actual posts, this is mainly due to, well Blogger annoying the fuck out of me and Cunzy. These annoyances include, Images not loading, Posts not posting, and generally not letting Cunzy do anything. In the mean time please feel free to enjoy the new "Media" section which currently only includes some wallpapers, but we're looking to add to this with other crap soon.

P.S. If you haven't already seen, there is also an "About" section including some of the most Frequently asked questions by thatguys fans. And on to of that there is an "Archives" section featuring the best moments from myself and Cunzy.

We'll be back with you soon, assuming Blogger sorts itself out.