Thursday, December 20, 2007

TGAM 2007 Awards!

TGAM, Once again breaking the mold of videogame blogging. That's right. This year we decided to have an awards system for video games. You know, like the ones for books and films. We're sure this idea is likely to take off in a big way. Remember reader, you saw it here first. So, without further ado here are the awards:

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Touching

1. Juiced 2: Hot Import Nights
2. Touch Master.
3. Balls of Fury.
4. Cookie and Cream

Resident Evil: Deadly Silence
There wasn't much choice this year. To be honest the above DS games were chosen for their titles and the hilarious link with the word "touching". But this year we're going to give Resident Evil DS the reward retrospectively for the bits where you get to touch up Jill Valentine and she covers herself and gets a bit offended. Once again Capcom shows they know their audience and Jill is all the more titilating because she doesn't just stand there and take it (cough, Leon, cough, cough)

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Menu Screen

1. Pokemon Diamond/Pearl
2. Tomb Raider: 10th Anniversary Edition
3. World of Warcraft: The Burning Crusade
4. PlayStation 3

PlayStation 3

Some very tough competition this year, with Tomb Raider returning for some spicy menu screen action. However, it was Sony's commitment to supporting a machine which, by and large, is just a menu screen that scoops this prestigious award. Such was Sony's commitment that there are plans to make the PSP menu compatible in the future for some portable menu action. Congrats.

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best "White"

1. PlayStation 3
2. Wii.
3. Xbox 360.
4. Resident Evil 5 trailer.

PlayStation 3

Scooping yet another award, the PS3 has the best whiteness going. The PlayStation 3 beat the competition to this award because despite the platform's ongoing living hell, the largest problem being there are still no decent games for it, some wiseguy at Sony still got them to make a White version. It's like having 14 different colours of inflatible dart boards. It might go with your decor but it's still fucking useless isn't it?

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Fanboy Baiting Hyped game which didn't really live up to prerelease bullshit

1. Bioshock.
2. Halo 3.
3. Assassin's Creed.

Assasin's Creed.

Simply put there was a lot of ranting and raving this year. Halo 3 arrived but more than lived up to expectations, despite the fact that it is still an arcade game. Bioshock was over-hyped to the max and very much this year's Oblivion for pre-release lies about in game behaviour and responsive AI. The game breaking alternate ending SPOILERS didn't help either. But Assassin's Creed takes the biscuits and the cheese this year. With a cinderella story fanbase: they came from nowhere, this game was hyped to the max, Jade Raymond is trying to sue Something Awful because she was whored out in a fashion she felt inappropriate but in the midst of all this a game came out that was not the game promised. It was shiny, it was playable but it was nothing like all those trailers that they started eeeking out what seems like 158 years ago. Assassin's Creed is now the poster child for marketing your game to fuckery whilst not worrying about glitchy horses and perhaps the worst stealth mechanic since "move into the dark dark shadows". Congrats.

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Link to TGAM

1. Stupid Fucking Customers. (RIP)
2. The RAM Raider.
3. Diversion.
4. The Truth of the Peasant


Very tricksy this year. SFC would have won because we started a war with them but they were very nice about it and we didn't mean it anyway. But then they went dead :( Diversion has the honour of the only other blog on the internet which did a joint post with us. Which was nice. The Truth of the Peasant also gets props even though the link has subsequently been removed (probably because we didn't link back) :( RAMRAIDER wins though because for a while we were double linked but also because we're down as Industry Links. Which, is a subtle reminder to people that we are in the industry. Word RAMRAIDER.

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Troll

1. Richie!
3. Cunzy1 1.
4. Richie.


Another hotly contended award as invariably all of the above have masqueraded as each other this year. However, the award goes to GIANT ENEMY GUITAR HERO for her persistence. Where others would have gotten bored GEGH kept on going and going much to the amusement of TGAM, at one point dragging in a few outsiders who genuinely believed there was a debate going on.

The 2007 TGAM award for
Worst Award Sham

1. That Wii Sports Strategy Sham
2. That Wii Sports Strategy Sham
3.That Wii Sports Strategy Sham
4. That Wii Sports Strategy Sham

That Wii Sports Strategy Sham

Perhaps the most contended award this year. As the years roll on there are more and more award ceremonies for video games and they all get increasingly worse. Celebrities aren't into gaming and if they are they look stupid presenting awards. Z listers only turn up because they don't have steady jobs so they waste all day on Civ. Anyway, this year, some award ceremony (I can't even be bothered to google for it. I care that little) gave Wii Sports the award for Best Strategy Game. Ultimate shammy sham since it's not even a proper game and it requires as much strategy as opening a door or clapping in time. Congratulations!

The 2007 TGAM award for
What happened to everyone yabbering on about this game?

1. Lord of the Rings Online: Some fantasy rubbish subtitle
2. Duke Nukem Forever
3. Command and Conquer 3
4. Manhunt 2

Lord of the Rings Online

There was a big shake up this year. We all know that the console gaming "community" are a bunch of feckless penguins jawing on about how different consoles are better than others and how Game X is a Game Y killer. They are a fickle lot of gobshites. However, this year it was the PC community's turn to play the feckless fanny. (FPS snobs aside), the very regal PC community is normally thoughtful, reserved and over 40 however, when potential WoW killer LotRO came out all the high brow blogs dissected, discussed and fawned over it like it was a precious new born baby. For about a fortnight that was. Then everyone quietly went back to WoW, a little ashamed that they'd got so excited about the "other" game in the first place. Well done LotRO:SoA!

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best way of humiliating Halo American teens over Xbox Live

1. Call them fags
2. Trash talk about their moms
3. Beat them in the game
4. Call them Canadians

Call them Canadians

Despite what you might read, technophilic middle aged liberal women aren't the only ones who get abuse whilst playing Halo. Everyone does, especially from Southern Americans and voice-breaking teens. This neck of the woods we get shit for being "British". Thing is we don't set up a network of British only blogs to whine on and on about it. Try as you might, stooping to their level is normally ineffective but we've discovered if you keep calling them Canadian, singing the Canadian national anthem and saying 'Aboot' a lot they get hot under the collar and start to play badly and lose their 'too cool for school' slurring throw down abilities. This dis FTW!

The 2007 TGAM special award for
Women in Games

1.Cunzy1 1 for Deconstructing Weak-Ass Arguments about gaming on the Internets #48
2. Richard Cobbett for Writing A ‘Girls In Gaming’ Article
3. Richie! for DANGER: Women in Games
4. Cmdr Zorg for Sega had access to a celebrity

Cmdr Zorg for Sega had access to a celebrity

Yes it now has it's own TGAM award it's that important. Our rantings hardly count for a nomination but we couldn't be bothered to trawl through all the shit out there to find two more worthy articles. Richard Cobbett gets a nomination because he stole my idea but made it funny and had nice pictures and was accepted with loving arms by the women gamer community, where as my babbling rants got no attention and Richie!'s caused a stir. However, Commander Zorg from Uk:Resistance wins because he is the only one on the internet who can be sexist and funny and get away with it. That and Cunzy desperately wants to have UK:R's children. I'm surprised no one has accussed us of just copying them a lot because essentially that's what we started off trying to do. Fuck it. Just read UK:Resistance from now on.

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Sound effect

1. (The Patronising) Blood Elf Female Laugh. TBC.
2. Chainsaw Lancer. Gears of War.
3. Fucked-up-a-note. Guitar Hero 3
4. Hit-the-Ground-from-afar. Skate

Blood Elf Female Laugh.

The Burning Crusade came out last February, and 11 months of that laugh and it still gets me every time. For those of you who don’t know the BElf Female Laugh starts off normally but then trails off to a condescending sigh. Further highlighting the aloof and vacuous nature of the BElfs.

The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Boob Physics

1. Guitar Hero 3.
2. Heavenly Sword.
3. Pokemon Diamond/Pearl.
4. Mass Effect.

Guitar Hero 3.

Surprise Winner here, purely because we at Thatguys were pleasantly surprised to see, not only the addition of Slash, but also some much needed Jiggly Jumper Puppies. We tip our hats to the girls of Guitar hero, Judy Nails, Casey Lynch (Dead Men) and Midori. Thank you for having jubblies.

'Til next Year.

Luv N' Hugs

Richie & cunzy

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Merry Christmas

With Christmas imminent I've got to do the work of everyone else who has "gone home" to hang out with their "friends and family". As such I'll be too busy to do many updates. So this may be the last one of 2007 from me. Don't hold me to it though. Watch this.

There's Christmas trees and shit in it at the end if you need a link between what we write and what we put up for you to wtch/download/listento/wank over.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3

See that blog title? That's what you can expect from TGAM: cliched post titles. That and tits. Anyway, today I am proud to bring you an interview with someone who properly works in the Games Industry, unlike us scrotes who sit on the periphery. Below is an interview with a lady who has had years of experience in games testing and went on to set up her own games testing company, which, is widely regarded as one of the best QA Testing companies around and doesn't let schlep pass through the door and out the other side unlike other companies. She has chosen the synonym Jill Valentine for this interview which, sure is nice for us because it's like Jill was actually here.

C11: Hello, Jill, welcome to TGAM.
JV: Hello. I'd like to say it's nice to be here but....

C11: Isn't games testing just an opportunity to get paid for playing games?
JV: Yes and no. Do you remember some of the ridiculous time limit challenges in the original Goldeneye that you had to complete to unlock cheats and other bonus stuff? You ended up memorising the whole level and would force a restart if you got stuck on a corner for that extra key second. Well, imagine playing one of those levels of Goldeneye over and over and over again. Using every possible weapon/object and standing in every nook and cranny and seeing if you could break the game. You have to speed run levels to test the spawning and scripting and you also have to play as slow as possible. And everything in between. Most games testers can't stand to play the games they've tested again because they're sick of it. If games were films, test audiences would have to sit through films sped up, slowed down, in every other language for days on end. That analogy was quite poor actually. Games testing is nothing like film screening to a test audience. Another key difference is that if a test audience hates the ending it will be changed. If games testers hate a game story it'll pretty much remain unchanged, be hated by reviewers and then hated by the great unwashed.

C11: So, here at TGAM we blame a lot of the shortcomings in games on poor play testing. Is it fair to say that titles with game breaking glitches is just down to shoddy play testing?
JV: More often than not it is purely down to time constraints, it's all very bureaucratic in the QA industry. Everybody wants to put pressure on someone else, marketers, publishers, developers and the further up the food chain you go the less they know about the game. All they have is a spreadsheet with numbers demanding that Title X be out in time for the Xmas rush regardless of quality. Expect to see a lot more of this in the near future as more and more publishers are merging.

C11: How much creative input do testers have? If a poor clone game comes in for testing, is it encouraged for testers to point out that this is a bit of game X and some of game Y but not as good as either?
JV: That's tough but a good point to raise. When I started working as a tester it was really dependent on dev cycles. Some companies have been through developer hell and their game is two years overdue, half the staff have jumped ship and they put it through testing almost as a formality. It's shipping anyway, the release date has been set by the publishers and there's no time to fix the bugs that testers find. It was partly this factor, which led me to set up my own company. So now when we get a game in I encourage the testers to put in any feedback they think necessary. So, like in your example, we've fed back to developers saying "Look your game is the lovechild of a poor man's GTA and a last gen Poker game. And it's worse than either of those games". After the initial shock, they often come round and in one case some of the Lead Tester got to go back to the drawing board with the developers and ended up feeding directly into the structure of the game. Ideally, all the games we get to test would be like that. More often than not though we're told in no uncertain terms that Game X will be on the shelves by Date X.

C11: So how is it that games like Top Trumps Dogs n Dinosaurs ever get released?
JV: There's no need for play testing for a game to be released. There is a relationship between how smoothly a game plays and how well it is picked up at retail but if publishers think they can knock up a cheapo horrible game and con enough people to buy it to make a profit, they'll go with it. Testers will grudgingly make sure it plays on your machine and has a title screen and you can save games and whatnot.

C11: The enigmatic confused granny?
JV: Precisely, you can all whinge on and on about it on your precious blogs and forums, but at the end of the day, if Ubisoft, or whoever, were losing money on all those film tie-ins and pet simulator games you wouldn't see new ones on the shelf quarter in and quarter out.

C11: So if we want to stop the dross we've got to target Grannies who think their Grandchildren would like Petz 4: Frogs and Stick insects?
JV: Ha. Yes. Target the Grannies. Perhaps you should set up some evening classes to inform them all about the evil of the £5 game.

C11: Is becoming a games tester a good way to break into the games industry proper?
JV: Testers are the front line of the industry, without QA the industry would collapse. And yes, it's a good way to break in the same way that playing a character in the Bill is a good way to break into Hollywood. That's a no. The answer is no. The people who make games are some of the most highly qualified personnel in some pretty obscure areas, as yet there is no real formal route into making games but this is slowly shifting. Formerly, it was the bedroom programmers of the 70s and 80s who ended up as the CEOs of games developers and publishers. More recently it has been the rising talent picked up by those bedroom programmers but now that there are degree programs and such it's harder for those truly creative talents to stand out on their own unless they happen to go into formal games degree programs. Having said that though, there are many testers who I have known who have ended up in the games industry proper but it's merely because whilst they were testing to earn a wage, they were otherwise knocking up builds and demos and mods for a folio in their own free time. It's purely because most game testers have an interest in video games that they do testing but to break into the industry (in the UK at least) you gotta have more than a deviant art page and work experience testing games. But I will say that your chances of 'breaking' into the games industry because you spent 10 years as a tester or lead tester are slim to none.

C11: So testers are the unsung heroes of the "Gaming industry"?
JV: Yes and no. I mean, let`s make it clear individual playtesters are disposable but they can make a great game flawless and a good game "polished" but they can only make a bad game work.

C11: So how come we don`t see "Playtester of the year award" at any one of the 1456 gaming awards ceremonies?
JV: Yes. The awards. More award ceremonies than any other media. None of which are good and all of which seem to be less than above board.

C11: Yeah GRAW-gate and that recent strategy award rubbish. At least there``s an Oscar for making credits on films.
JV: Really?

C11: Yeah some old woman won a lifetime achievement award for doing credit rolls. Everyone was like "Yep. Woman knows how to do credits".
JV: Wow. Maybe there should be an bug-hunter BAFTA or something.

C11: What about the NAVIGaTR awards? Should the UK have such an institution?
JV: Have you seen their award shows? No. No definitely not.

C11: Okay what's the latest games you've been working on and what's the ending?
JV: Well, normally I'd be breaking all kinds of agreements by telling you any of this but since you asked nicely, we're working on Horsez 2: Heavy Petting and the latest Sponge Bob GBA tie-in game.

C11: I don't believe you but thanks for spending the time. Did you know you are only the second real person to be interviewed by TGAM?
JV: It's a pleasure and thank you for your semi-compliment.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

DANGER: Women in Games

Woah, now there is a lot of female attention happening in the games industry at the moment. Like we need more… Seriously I think girls have got their quota in the games industry and are recognised enough nowadays.

Girls have:

1. Personalised Systems, such as the Pink DS and a variety of Pink Peripherals.
2. A selection of shite games, Pony Friends, Barbie shopping, Cooking Mama etc…
3. Zelda?!? Apparently??!?! The Phantom hourglass is advertised as one of the DS’s “Games for Girls”, when the fuck did that happen? Why does the fairer sex get this franchise?
4. The DS in general, all titles for it seem to cater for girls in some way.
5. The Rezibator. Guys are not allowed attachments to games to get them going (apart from the guitar in guitar hero).
6. An unfair advantage in MMOs, due to all the guys being desperate.
1. [General] [Legolaas] ZOMG!!!!11 Nerf Girls they are IMBA
7. An inbuilt ability to multi-task.
8. The “years of persecution” card which they never play, but you know they will when they get a chance.
9. Not got the completionist chromosome.
10. Boobies.
11. They die later than men so they can get more play time out of games.

Not content with these things, it’s getting even more hyped-up as more and more girls within the industry are piping up. Recently we haven’t been able to surf anywhere without some comment about Jade Raymond, as post-adolescent boys blog about their unquestioning, unwavering, loyalty to Ubisoft. All in the vain hope that one day they could sup upon her crotch paté. Maybe now we can understand why Assassins Creed got such high scores? Yeah fair enough she supposedly helped in the creation of Assassins Creed, and it just so happens she is not that bad to look at. And on that note, we have Morgan Webb, who is bitching because she got to her position (as a host for some gaming thing no-one has heard of, Kudos Webb) based on her looks and not her game playing prowess (which she implies are more commendable). She actually makes some reasonable points about how her looks have got her ahead in the industry,

“Because boys like girls, straight up. Because Nerd #14 getting hired at Kotaku; not a story. Hot chick? Story. You talk to her about why they're a woman in the gaming industry. Guys all think, "Wow, wouldn't it be great if there were more? Even though she'd veto my triple-X busted woman that I want to put in this video game.”

Insightful no?

But to be honest I can’t really take her that seriously because her nipples are weirdly placed and point in different directions:

And for good measure I did a search for her on Flikr and found this rather flattering picture:

And it doesn’t stop there; all sorts of crazy online gamer-chicks are getting all pent-out-of shape about boobies. Exclaiming that Soulcalibur IV is disgraceful that the boobs are double the size of their heads, at this point I would like to point out, since you girls are new to this “gaming” thing that there is a HUGE difference between concept art and in-game graphics, so before you get your blood-ridden-ooze-encrusted panties in a twist, take a little time to compare the subtle differences between a drawing and a screenshot:



I won’t deny that she is well endowed, but guess what, there are women out there that have big boobs, it happens. And you know what… Guys will also be taken aback by them because big boobs appeal to us. It’s a primal thing part of the mammalian brain (not a pun on mammories or a joke, this is serious, boobs create a primal stirring, and if they are bigger/more noticeable then that stirring is more apparent.) But of course if you have issues you can always play as Cassandra (oh look at that, the game developer included someone with “normal” sized boobs, really sexist aren’t they).

Boobs and boob physics have been incorporated into most modern games such as Ninja Gaiden, Soulcalibur, Dead or alive, Tomb Raider (the new ones), Final Fantasy, Resident evil and even Guitar hero 3:

Pictured above: Judy Nails from Guitar hero 3, the boob physics incorporated here are not overly noticeable in game, however to get and example of it select Judy Nails as a character then proceed to the guitar selection screen, as you scroll through each guitar her boobs will shake slightly.

Now most people will argue that it is only women-with-small-boobs that have issue with big boobs in games, but then inevitably you get other women ranting on about the negative body image portrayal in games (these are usually just the ugly and/or fat women). Which is stupid on a number of levels, firstly games are based on fantasy there is no room in fantasy for ugly girls, bare in mind that they throwing fireballs, wielding giant swords etc. If the size of boobs is the only issue you have with the realism in the games then I would suggest a slight re-shuffle of your priorities. Secondly, returning to Soulcalibur as an example, considering that the girls are fighting and are quite athletic, agile etc. It would seem that they should be quite trim and in shape, some fat chick that doesn’t look after herself, wouldn’t stand a chance. I’m sorry but equal opportunities are out the window when you are playing as people that are in their prime, looked after themselves, train every day etc.

It’s not like you are gonna have a cripple in a wheelchair competing with Jin Kazama? Or a retard using his “Mong” attack on Jenova?

Feminism… Can I ask when the fuck did that become a good word? In my book most “ism” or “ists” are just other words for “collection of bastards”. I’m not a Masculinist, you don’t see me complaining that Kratos creates a negative body image, he makes guys want to go out and take Steroids.

It might be that fact that guys have been in the industry longer than girls, and we have a more mature standpoint than girls, but we know that it is a game, we know that we are never gonna be as buff as Ryu. Because it’s a game. It’s a game based on fantasy. It’s not real. If girls wanna grow up to be like Taki, remind them that anorexia is not the way, but working out is… Geez. You would think with the way all these chicks are banging on about it that girls minds are more fragile than boys. And because of that, guys have to suffer, this is not give or take, this is the industry, Girls you did not join the industry to change it, you joined it because you liked it. DON’T. FUCK. IT. UP.


Word Up!

You may have gathered but we here are gay for Capcom. One of the many facets of that relationship is that they love to have crossover cameos that make girls like us gush like that lift from the Shining, except with green and bloody douche juice. Here's a selection that we could rip from the internet.

PantsHere is the excellent Frank West, in his pants, in the mediocre Lost Planet. This image is from gay gamer. Perhaps they have dreams about Frank West too?

Seen itThis is Dino Crisis character Regina in Resident Evil 3! IT'S NOT REALLY IT'S JUST JILL DRESSED UP AS REGINA. It's an important distinction to make because you may be surprised if the cuffs don't match the collar in your dreams.

SAD SMILEY FACEHere is Megaman. IN DEAD RISING. We are sad when we think about Megaman and sadder when Capcom do things like this. Of all the good franchises to include as a cameo you choose the worst one. 4/10

S.T.A.R.S It's the Nemesis in Under the Skin!Under the skin was average at best with the exception of the Raccoon City level which was awesome. 9/10

EMO Emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo emo.

How does it feel Joe to be overshadowed by a cameo character? Ha! SCHiewtiful Joe more like. Corker.

The internet wouldn't let us rip images of Jill Valentine in Pocket fighters or images of some more capcom cameos in We love golf. Stupid internet. Stupid Capcom.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Gears of War: the Chainsaw argument.

I’m getting pretty pissed off with Gears. There was a short lived few weeks after everyone was bored with Halo 3 online and went back to Gears, and it was all good player matches were fun, ranked was still full of arseholes, but that’s to be expected. Now everyone seems to have settled down online and it seems that only Gears of War fans are really playing online. Normally this would be a good thing, however there is still one burning question:

To Chainsaw or not to Chainsaw.

The Chainsaw argument, is an unconventional argument, as in there is no fucking argument. Either it is tolerated or it is not. As far as I can see no-one likes being chainsawed, and quite rightly so it is a little humiliating, but that shouldn’t be grounds for online abuse. These are the main issues I see that people have:

1. No skill involved.

BULLSHIT. Admittedly all it takes is pressing the “B” button, but getting yourself close enough to Chainsaw someone is a feat, usually you have to dodge Snipers use scare tactics, though the best one is when you get up behind a sniper that thinks he has got himself a good position.

2. It’s “gay”

Oh this is a great argument, is it any gayer than dancing about with 2 shotguns waiting for one guy to get/hit with an active reload.

3. It’s “IMBA”

That’s because it’s an OHKO. Yeah but ONLY if you get up close, and plus there are loads of tactics you can use with it, fair enough its only one of a few weapons that can kill you without an active reload, the others being the Boomshot, Torque Bow, Sniper, Shotgun, Hammer of Dawn, Revolver and Frag grenades. Which leaves the pistol, smoke grenades and the Hammer burst as the only “Balanced weapons in the game”. Yeah that’s sounds great.

You know what… I’m done.

Arseholes make me hate Gears of War.

Monday, December 10, 2007


So that's that then we now know what games to expect (or not expect) under the Xmas tree this year.

Mario Galaxy
Assassins Creed
Call of Duty 4
*cough* Pokemon Battle Revolution.

This leaves us looking forward to just one thing, 2008 Release’s. And I use "Release" in all its literal forms, especially the sexual one though. My personal choices of games that will give me dirty thoughts and make me touch myself in that special way. Are:

Devil may Cry 4, They released videos and pics with actual Dante in them! And he speaks! And he has a wooshy charge up sword thing, and the guy playing was rubbish, and I WANNNA PLAY IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOW!


That’s about it, thanks for tuning into out 2008 update.

All other games are academic.

Friday, December 07, 2007

From Starlight to Twilight

As I have mentioned in posts previous, in the UK at least, the PS2 is in it's twilight months. Despite many homes having one under the table, despite the PS2 only really finding it's feet in terms of both graphics and gameplay with late releases like Final Fantasy XII, despite developers and publishers promising to support it after "next gen" it's nearly game over for the PS2. At least on the high street anyway. Go into any game shop and check out the PS2 section. The only new titles are cheap copycat shams targetted at the "casual gamers" or the hypothetical confused grannies. Yes I mean you, Alvin and the Chipmunks game and Petz 2 and World Series Poker 2008 and Hot Wheels: Beat That and PDC Championship darts 2008.
Those looking to preowned section will also be dissapointed with the glut of average and obscure games. On a recent trip to the stores I couldn't locate copies of Resident Evil Outbreak 1 or 2 (I know they're awful) or the latest two tomb raiders. Fortunately, online outlets exist but I really enjoy the sensation of going into a shop and buying a game plus I'm very finnickety with the games I buy in terms of which box it has, which disk etc. With online ordering you never know if you're going to get an original copy of the game or an awful Player's Choice, Platinum or Eidos Rebound box which ruins the "lined-up-on-the-shelf-aesthetic". Also, I think game shops should take a leaf from music and bookshops. Imagine if HMV only stocked the latest CDs and Movies or Waterstones only sold the most recently published books. It would suck. For the PS2 this spells death. There's virtually no visibility of titles in the stores and I suspect it's because game stores want to sell people £50 games and £70 peripherals and not £10 older games. So for the PS2 the long night comes early. However, for a limited time only you'll be able to pick up many titles, recent ones, good titles, for relatively cheaply just before they slip off the precipice into the world of £40 for new copies of old games land. So strike now reader whilst the iron is hot! Stop whinging about no games for the Wii or PS3 and games that rely on online connection for the XBox 360, go and pick up all of the GTAs on the PS2. That's months of AAA gameplay that will make you feel guilty for jumping in bed with the shiny shiny next gen so quickly. Today I would like to highlight another such title that you might be able to pick up for a fiver brand new and which offers something very few next gen titles can. That game is Mashed...

Nil point for the not shadows

Released over three years ago now, Mashed arrived with very little preview cover or hype. EDGE gave it an 8 and PSM gave it a 9 but it wsn't heavilty marketed. You could have been forgiven for not noticing it. The only reason TGAM picked it up was through playing it as part of the Demo Challenge (the rest of the Demo challenge was abandoned as we loaded up the timed* demo over and over and over for five mad minutes of carnage).
After buying the game proper we blasted through the single player (which, although entertaining was merely in order to unlock all the tracks for multiplayer), plugged in a multitap and played for hours. The game is very simple, like micro machines (before things went askew after micro maniacs) without the scaled down approach. Put simply it was great fun to play and still is. Brilliant level design (Ventura B'vard is our favourite), intuitive controls, the inspired air strike and taunting are a recipe for success and of late it has been one of the few titles that has warranted the dust to be blown from the PS2 to fire the girl up again.
So if you can, pick this title up, grab three friends and enjoy one of the best multiplayer games on one screen and let voice chat, connection problems, friends codes, griefing, rebooting, controller charging become a distant memory for an evening at least.

*Hopefully, the age of the timed demo is over but at one point it was "the thing" to give players a brief 5 minute go with a game before ending a demo and queing the marketing info. Doesn't sound too bad right? Just replay it? But this was also at a time when 2 minute loading screens would top and tail the demo session. Don't want your demographic associating your game with being unhappy? Don't force them to sit through loading screens you bastards.

Blah, blah, blah

Regina! Don't make me violentDiscerning readers may have caught wind of the latest study confirming that there is a positive correlation between exposure to violent media and violent behaviour.
The study was undertaken by L. Rowell Huesmann at the University of Michigan, funded by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and published in the Journal of Adolescent Health.

In an uncharacteristic manoeuvre we actually got hold of this journal paper, unlike most of these scummers, and had a read. And what you find in the report is not what is being bounced around the web, cut down into bite size chunks for morons like you and me to read, comment on and then ignore.

The paper was good but didn't have any images. There is only one typo, which, although unfortunate isn't entirely unexpected.

There we go, yet another example of high fidelity Gaming Journalism from the World's Second Greatest Video Game Blog of All Time, That Guy's A Maniac.Eye see you

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Jeff Glooberman

As about 2 of our 5 readers worked out, I recently wasn't fired but was sham fired, mirroring the recent oxymoronic Gaming Journalism integrity fiasco over at Gamespot. If you don't know the haps by now, basically, some guy called Jeff Niderman, who is/was some kind of editor over at Gamespot, did a text and video review of the much hyped, always looked-like-it-would-turn-out-mediocre, game, Kane and Lynch:Dead Men. Kane and Lynch: Dead Men was published by the "haven't done anything good since Resident Evil 3:Nemesis" publisher Eidos. The review gave it a 6 and Jeff Groberlein repeatedly described it as ugly throughout the video review. Then after some initial grape vine rumours it turns out that Jeff Gleistmeyer was unceremoniously fired at Gamespot and as it happens around the same time, "thanks for ruining Tomb Raider" publisher Eidos had also planned to do a big marketing campaign on the face of Gamespot for Kane and Lynch: Dead Men. The gibbering hordes then put 2 and 3 together and got 8 and went on a spree accusing Gamespot of being dishonourable, Eidos being petty and Jeff Luberjeister was hailed as some kind of gaming hero because they assumed that he had been fired because the big bucks (ha!) Eidos had pressured the corporate Gamespot to get rid of him-who-judges-a-game-fairly. Within seconds there were countless tribute videos on Youtube and numerous Gamespot staff tried to express their loss through a series of emotionally immature articles, including one comparison to the loss of Jeff Naberasker as the destruction of a city in Sim City. What a fitting tribute! Meanwhile as Eidos and Gamespot shrug their shoulders in a "I don't know what you're talking about fashion", the sensless gaming community went on and on spouting about boycotts of Gamespot and all other CNET sites which is stupid because boycotting Gamespot, Metacritic and Gamefaqs leaves you with sites like Joystiq and IGN to get your up to date news and reviews. Good luck. Then in a bid to not be outdone, a small community of True Gamespot Fanboys tried to shout above the crowd saying that they liked Jeff better and that this firing is the latest in a string of big losses for Gamespot following the apparent loss of other staff members with typically American names in recent years. Apparently when Ryan, Zack and Karl left Gamespot it was the beginning of the end no one listened though because at times of crisis the gaming community just likes to shout loudly like a bunch of drunk howler monkeys. At the same time everyone was pretending that they knew who Jeff Grubschter was, even though the only "person" that people know at Gamespot is Guy Cocker because he is named after TGAM favourite GIANT EMO GUITAR HERO. Pretending that anyone knows who the people are is ridiculous. You only go there for the news and videos. No one reads the reviews anyway past the big number on the top right. At this time a ridiculous subsidiary site also fired one of their members of staff over a controverisal review after which, 2 readers they never knew they had, crawled out of internet anonymity to make comments either with extreme tongue in cheek humour or genuine misunderstanding the parody which was followed up by a weak ass post that was too in jokey and then another post which was over inspired by the Zero Punctuation review of Assassin's Creed. Meanwhile, Jeff Graberpatcherman did a overly modest "it's about the integrity" spiel which deranged fanpersons lapped up even though at any given time over the last one and half years, said retards could have gone over to THE RAMRAIDER to find out how truly knee deep in shit back stabbing criminally negligent Games Journalism can be. But throughout the whole thing no one mentioned the true crime at the heart of gaming as it stands today, that is that Resident Evil 4 should really be Resident Evil 5, or Resident Evil 6 if you count zero as one when Capcom gets round to re-numbering all of them. Shame on you gaming community. Shame.

Them's the haps.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Reviews totally unrelated to any recent loss of staff members

Naruto: Rise of a Ninja

Follows the Protagonist “Naruto”, ninja from the hidden leaf village, though his training as a boy through to a slightly older boy. It’s like GTA but with cartoon ninjas, and no cars.

Thatguys Review: 12/10. It’s amazing even though this game has been developed entirely on the 360 from the ground up they have made the graphics look as good as a PS2

Beowulf: the game

Like the Movie but you don’t get cool specs to see it in 3D. Doesn’t feature any of the original voice cast. The plot is disjointed. Feels like a generic 3rd person fighter, but more sluggish.

That guys Review: 9/10.
All you could want in a slow, incoherent 3D fighter.

P.S. We have no idea who published these games.

Cunzy11, thatguys part ways

After nearly 2 years of news, reviews, awkward ramblings, Pokemon fanficcery and Vaginal/games development, Cunzy11 editorial director's tenure ends; TGAM editors address controversy surrounding his departure.

The past week marked the end of an era at TGAM. After several years working his way up through the ranks, Cunzy11 tenure as co-writer has ended.

"Cunzy11 was a central figure in the creation and evolution of TGAM, having written hundreds of incoherent ramblings, and occasionally sorting out the links bar," said Richie, Co-writer of TGAM. "The award-winning writing team he leaves behind wish him nothing but good luck in his future endeavours. Homophobe."

Due to legal constraints and the company policy of TGAM, details of Cunzy's departure cannot be disclosed publicly. However, contrary to widespread and unproven reports, his exit was not a result of pressure from a certain developer who may (or may not) have been happy with the tone of one (or more) of our reviews.

"TGAM has ever allowed its sponsors to affect its editorial content," said Richie, TGAM Entertainment's vice president of Sextoys. "The accusations in the media that it has done so are unsubstantiated and untrue. Cunzy’s departure stemmed from internal (ruptures) reasons unrelated to any sponsor, developer or otherwise affiliated with TGAM."

"Though he will be missed by his colleagues, Cunzy's leaving does not affect TGAM's core mission of delivering the crudest news, occasional video content, picture reviews, and biased reviews in games journalism," said Richie, executive producer of TGAM Live. "TGAM is an institution, and its code of ethics and duty to its users remains unchanged."

Monday, December 03, 2007

For your Mrs.

Well she's got to do something whilst you amass over 25000 gamerpoints....