World of Postcraft Part 3: The Burning Crusade
Yeah so my Journalism Project? Well what I was doing was applying to Edge. Recently Kotaku announced that edge were hiring so, I thought what the hell, despite its numerous spelling mistakes, I'll call thatguys my portfolio. At the very least I was aiming to get a trip to their offices in Bath, that way we can all wnak over how obscure the Japanese are, whilst discussing the "Uncanny Valley" in a mild yet pretentious tone.
The things I was supposed to have:
1) Excellent writing ability, with an enthusiasm for grammar, research and structure as well as for expressing your opinion and communicating your passion.
"One word, Wnak"
2) An in-depth knowledge of videogaming, its history, and its culture.
"Dude, check the site! We still play PS1 games! And I can get 96 worlds complete in Super Mario World on the SNES in one sitting.
3) A real curiosity to fill any gaps in that in-depth knowledge.
"Yeah I am missing August to December 1999 "I'm sure I had a Dreamcast, but cant remember playing anything on it. I feel like Jim Carrey in that sunshine movie"
4) Creative flair - Edge writers have input into every aspect of the magazine, from topics covered to visual presentation
"Hey if you switch the "A" and the "N" around in Wank..."
5) An exceptional commitment to excellence
"Assuming excellence does not want to get married or have kids any time soon..."
What you don't need to have:
1) A portfolio of published work
"Dammit, tough, I'm showing www.thatguys.co.uk off"
2) A degree
"Ahh, now it becomes clear as to what edge is such a good magazine"
3) Experience of working on a magazine or similar publication
"Bollocks what kind of interview is this, you don't see fucking NASA scientists fucking interviewing for a position requesting that the applicant does not need a PhD in astrophysics, pffft"
The application process itself involved:
1) Confirm your salary expectations for this role
Easy, more than I get paid right now.
2) Enter a covering letter explaining what it is that attracts you to Edge, and what you'd be able to offer the magazine.
I Didn't really work long enough on this one but, it would have gone a bit like this:
The appeal of working for Edge mainly comes from the desire to brag that I work for a Gaming Magazine, which in turn stems from my desire to fuck vulnerable gamer chicks, who, though they seem inexperienced, are not. They were instead rejected by a lover because they were better than him at pro-evo. But they didn't get it, they played the game and got the ball in the net, they never felt the passion, being beat like that is the worst kind of being beaten, it sullies a mans pride. And as a fit of rebellion against this first lover she feels that she must stay committed to this gamer cause though she lacks the imagination, desire and obsession, and fuck any guy who suggests that gaming with a relationship could work. It's like art or music... yeah you get female artists and musicians but the real genius, passion always comes from men, Beethoven, Einstein, Da Vinci, Wilde, Van Gogh etc. Look at Jack White, he did that cover of Dolly Parton's Jolene, or Nancy Sinatra's Bang Bang, both the songs, though sung from the female point of view (which can be a bit gay) are infinitely better! The man knows passion. The only passion girls have is lust and that happens once a month right after they are off-the-blob and they can fuck (less messily) again. Women, don't mistake where your skills lie... yeah you are more organised, yeah you are better at multitasking, and these are all attributes that can make you "good" at games, but you lack that spark. It's like an NPC, they can talk to you, they can follow you about, they can even defend your life, but in the end they are just AI and will end up failing/leaving you.
I can offer Edge:
- A new name, "That Guys a Maniac".
- A new style of publishing, "Ad-Hoc".
- A new style of reviewing "Does it have dinosaurs in it? No? Then it is Shite."
3) Write a 500-word article, written in the style of Edge, making the case for someone - or something - you think is videogaming's unsung hero.
This, in my opinion, was the biggest part of the application So I spent quite some time coming up with ideas as to what videogaming's unsung hero, these included:
- The "?" bricks in Mario.
- Mayhem, from that C64 game "Mayhem in Monsterland". It is an obscure retro angle, but to be honest, I think I am rose-tinting the game and it was probably shit.
- The guy in the truck from the start of Resident Evil 2, for the best gaming quote, ever.
But after much deliberation I decided to rip-off the Sony ad from years ago:
Who is it that saves the princess?
Who has the fastest laptime?
Who is it that kills the terrorists?
Who has the highest score?
Who is it that does the 100+ hit combo?
Who lifts the world cup?
The answer is the player... Until recently it has been hard for armchair-gaming to be recognised amongst peers, but with high-speed internet accessible in all homes and every console with online capabilities, more and more people are getting acknowledged for their "Leet Skillz".
In the past the player's achievements were recorded in 3 letters on frequently reset arcade machines, in the recesses of your memory card, or simply by getting your mates round and thrashing them. For those who wanted to prove their worth to other around them there was LAN gaming, endless feuds of FPSs and RTSs, however setting these types of games were not entirely "User Friendly" and carried the stereotype of a gamer who could actually setup LAN networks.
But now with the introduction of Xbox live, gamerscores and achievements coupled with more and more people accepting games on the whole, these rankings can be our new window into potential pro-gamers. X-box tournaments are even being set-up for "Real-World" prizes, no longer is there a need to haul a pimped-out-PC to a warehouse LAN-party to get kudos for headshots, this can all be done from the comfort of the sofa via the same hardware.
A while ago ESPN (the US Sports channel) decided to consider gaming as a sport...
And that's it, very soon afterwards I realised that I deliberated too much and missed the deadline. Sorry I know that's a bit of an anti-climax especially for a post of this size... But that's it...