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Showing posts from 2007

TGAM 2007 Awards!

TGAM, Once again breaking the mold of videogame blogging. That's right. This year we decided to have an awards system for video games. You know, like the ones for books and films. We're sure this idea is likely to take off in a big way. Remember reader, you saw it here first. So, without further ado here are the awards:


The 2007 TGAM award for
Best Touching

1. Juiced 2: Hot Import Nights
2. Touch Master.
3. Balls of Fury.
4. Cookie and Cream


Winner:
Resident Evil: Deadly Silence There wasn't much choice this year. To be honest the above DS games were chosen for their titles and the hilarious link with the word "touching". But this year we're going to give Resident Evil DS the reward retrospectively for the bits where you get to touch up Jill Valentine and she covers herself and gets a bit offended. Once again Capcom shows they know their audience and Jill is all the more titilating because she doesn't just stand there and take it (cough, Leon, cough, cough)


The …

Merry Christmas

With Christmas imminent I've got to do the work of everyone else who has "gone home" to hang out with their "friends and family". As such I'll be too busy to do many updates. So this may be the last one of 2007 from me. Don't hold me to it though. Watch this.


There's Christmas trees and shit in it at the end if you need a link between what we write and what we put up for you to wtch/download/listento/wank over.

Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3

See that blog title? That's what you can expect from TGAM: cliched post titles. That and tits. Anyway, today I am proud to bring you an interview with someone who properly works in the Games Industry, unlike us scrotes who sit on the periphery. Below is an interview with a lady who has had years of experience in games testing and went on to set up her own games testing company, which, is widely regarded as one of the best QA Testing companies around and doesn't let schlep pass through the door and out the other side unlike other companies. She has chosen the synonym Jill Valentine for this interview which, sure is nice for us because it's like Jill was actually here.

C11: Hello, Jill, welcome to TGAM.
JV: Hello. I'd like to say it's nice to be here but....

C11: Isn't games testing just an opportunity to get paid for playing games?
JV: Yes and no. Do you remember some of the ridiculous time limit challenges in the original Goldeneye that you had to complete to unloc…

DANGER: Women in Games

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Woah, now there is a lot of female attention happening in the games industry at the moment. Like we need more… Seriously I think girls have got their quota in the games industry and are recognised enough nowadays.

Girls have:

1. Personalised Systems, such as the Pink DS and a variety of Pink Peripherals.
2. A selection of shite games, Pony Friends, Barbie shopping, Cooking Mama etc…
3. Zelda?!? Apparently??!?! The Phantom hourglass is advertised as one of the DS’s “Games for Girls”, when the fuck did that happen? Why does the fairer sex get this franchise?
4. The DS in general, all titles for it seem to cater for girls in some way.
5. The Rezibator. Guys are not allowed attachments to games to get them going (apart from the guitar in guitar hero).
6. An unfair advantage in MMOs, due to all the guys being desperate.
1. [General] [Legolaas] ZOMG!!!!11 Nerf Girls they are IMBA
7. An inbuilt ability to multi-task.
8. The “years of persecution” card which they never play, but you know they will wh…

Word Up!

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You may have gathered but we here are gay for Capcom. One of the many facets of that relationship is that they love to have crossover cameos that make girls like us gush like that lift from the Shining, except with green and bloody douche juice. Here's a selection that we could rip from the internet.

Here is the excellent Frank West, in his pants, in the mediocre Lost Planet. This image is from gay gamer. Perhaps they have dreams about Frank West too?

This is Dino Crisis character Regina in Resident Evil 3! IT'S NOT REALLY IT'S JUST JILL DRESSED UP AS REGINA. It's an important distinction to make because you may be surprised if the cuffs don't match the collar in your dreams.

Here is Megaman. IN DEAD RISING. We are sad when we think about Megaman and sadder when Capcom do things like this. Of all the good franchises to include as a cameo you choose the worst one. 4/10

It's the Nemesis in Under the Skin!Under the skin was average at best with the exception of the R…

Gears of War: the Chainsaw argument.

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I’m getting pretty pissed off with Gears. There was a short lived few weeks after everyone was bored with Halo 3 online and went back to Gears, and it was all good player matches were fun, ranked was still full of arseholes, but that’s to be expected. Now everyone seems to have settled down online and it seems that only Gears of War fans are really playing online. Normally this would be a good thing, however there is still one burning question:

To Chainsaw or not to Chainsaw.


The Chainsaw argument, is an unconventional argument, as in there is no fucking argument. Either it is tolerated or it is not. As far as I can see no-one likes being chainsawed, and quite rightly so it is a little humiliating, but that shouldn’t be grounds for online abuse. These are the main issues I see that people have:

1. No skill involved.

BULLSHIT. Admittedly all it takes is pressing the “B” button, but getting yourself close enough to Chainsaw someone is a feat, usually you have to dodge Snipers use scare tact…

Moist

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So that's that then we now know what games to expect (or not expect) under the Xmas tree this year.

Mario Galaxy
Assassins Creed
Call of Duty 4
*cough* Pokemon Battle Revolution.

This leaves us looking forward to just one thing, 2008 Release’s. And I use "Release" in all its literal forms, especially the sexual one though. My personal choices of games that will give me dirty thoughts and make me touch myself in that special way. Are:

Devil may Cry 4, They released videos and pics with actual Dante in them! And he speaks! And he has a wooshy charge up sword thing, and the guy playing was rubbish, and I WANNNA PLAY IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOW!





That’s about it, thanks for tuning into out 2008 update.

All other games are academic.

From Starlight to Twilight

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As I have mentioned in posts previous, in the UK at least, the PS2 is in it's twilight months. Despite many homes having one under the table, despite the PS2 only really finding it's feet in terms of both graphics and gameplay with late releases like Final Fantasy XII, despite developers and publishers promising to support it after "next gen" it's nearly game over for the PS2. At least on the high street anyway. Go into any game shop and check out the PS2 section. The only new titles are cheap copycat shams targetted at the "casual gamers" or the hypothetical confused grannies. Yes I mean you, Alvin and the Chipmunks game and Petz 2 and World Series Poker 2008 and Hot Wheels: Beat That and PDC Championship darts 2008.
Those looking to preowned section will also be dissapointed with the glut of average and obscure games. On a recent trip to the stores I couldn't locate copies of Resident Evil Outbreak 1 or 2 (I know they're awful) or the latest tw…

Blah, blah, blah

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Discerning readers may have caught wind of the latest study confirming that there is a positive correlation between exposure to violent media and violent behaviour.
The study was undertaken by L. Rowell Huesmann at the University of Michigan, funded by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and published in the Journal of Adolescent Health.

In an uncharacteristic manoeuvre we actually got hold of this journal paper, unlike most of these scummers, and had a read. And what you find in the report is not what is being bounced around the web, cut down into bite size chunks for morons like you and me to read, comment on and then ignore.

The paper was good but didn't have any images. There is only one typo, which, although unfortunate isn't entirely unexpected.

There we go, yet another example of high fidelity Gaming Journalism from the World's Second Greatest Video Game Blog of All Time, That Guy's A Maniac.

Jeff Glooberman

As about 2 of our 5 readers worked out, I recently wasn't fired but was sham fired, mirroring the recent oxymoronic Gaming Journalism integrity fiasco over at Gamespot. If you don't know the haps by now, basically, some guy called Jeff Niderman, who is/was some kind of editor over at Gamespot, did a text and video review of the much hyped, always looked-like-it-would-turn-out-mediocre, game, Kane and Lynch:Dead Men. Kane and Lynch: Dead Men was published by the "haven't done anything good since Resident Evil 3:Nemesis" publisher Eidos. The review gave it a 6 and Jeff Groberlein repeatedly described it as ugly throughout the video review. Then after some initial grape vine rumours it turns out that Jeff Gleistmeyer was unceremoniously fired at Gamespot and as it happens around the same time, "thanks for ruining Tomb Raider" publisher Eidos had also planned to do a big marketing campaign on the face of Gamespot for Kane and Lynch: Dead Men. The gibbering …

Reviews totally unrelated to any recent loss of staff members

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Naruto: Rise of a Ninja

Follows the Protagonist “Naruto”, ninja from the hidden leaf village, though his training as a boy through to a slightly older boy. It’s like GTA but with cartoon ninjas, and no cars.

Thatguys Review: 12/10. It’s amazing even though this game has been developed entirely on the 360 from the ground up they have made the graphics look as good as a PS2




Beowulf: the game

Like the Movie but you don’t get cool specs to see it in 3D. Doesn’t feature any of the original voice cast. The plot is disjointed. Feels like a generic 3rd person fighter, but more sluggish.

That guys Review: 9/10. All you could want in a slow, incoherent 3D fighter.

P.S. We have no idea who published these games.

Cunzy11, thatguys part ways

After nearly 2 years of news, reviews, awkward ramblings, Pokemon fanficcery and Vaginal/games development, Cunzy11 editorial director's tenure ends; TGAM editors address controversy surrounding his departure.

The past week marked the end of an era at TGAM. After several years working his way up through the ranks, Cunzy11 tenure as co-writer has ended.

"Cunzy11 was a central figure in the creation and evolution of TGAM, having written hundreds of incoherent ramblings, and occasionally sorting out the links bar," said Richie, Co-writer of TGAM. "The award-winning writing team he leaves behind wish him nothing but good luck in his future endeavours. Homophobe."

Due to legal constraints and the company policy of TGAM, details of Cunzy's departure cannot be disclosed publicly. However, contrary to widespread and unproven reports, his exit was not a result of pressure from a certain developer who may (or may not) have been happy with the tone of one (or more) of o…

For your Mrs.

Well she's got to do something whilst you amass over 25000 gamerpoints....

"Progress"

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So you may have gathered from the title of this blog and many many of the posts that go with it that we are fans of the Resident Evil Series. It goes without saying. So we were midly excited to see the first videos of Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles. You get to play bits from all those Resident Evil games again! Check the latest video here.
Now as much as we love the series and won't have a word to say against it (excepting requests for DS remakes), we are getting a little bit sick of seeing this guy:

The first zombie you encounter in Resident Evil. His iconic putrid face marked the beginning of a genre (Alone in the Dark doesn't count). The cutscene he appears in marked only the beginning in a long series of games from the fundamentally broken Outbreak to the unanimous greatness of Resident Evil 4 (secretely Resident Evil 6). Killing him with a knife in the original was both tricky and a taster for the rest of the game. And then again in the directors's cut. And then agai…

Voice of Mario does other things.

As you may have heard the dude who does Mario’s voice is doing an autobiography. As it turns out Ol’ Charlie-boy is a huge fan of “That guy’s a Maniac” and has given us these excerpts:

*Warning Spoilers*

“One day I went into Nintendo for a voice-over job.”

“I put on a really stereotypical (bordering on racist) Italian voice.”

“I got the job”

“I did it for a few other games”

“And they all lived happily ever after”

Thatyguys rating: 7/10

Good:
Thoroughly good read, all the way through it you are amazed that such a small story could be padded out to a whole book.

Bad:
The book loses its charm because in you head it is all spoken with a thick Italian accent.

Not funny.

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Dear Mr Rick Brookes,

I would like to point out several reasons why the above comic strip from today’s Metro is uninformed and unfunny.

#1. Wii’s are sold out, not many people can relate to this comic.

#2. In an attempt to email you to explain these points I could not find your website… This leads me to believe you do not have one, and as such this confirms my suspicions that you are technologically impaired.

#3. The whole crux of this joke is based on the assumption that the guy would actually buy the Wii for himself and that the Wii is a masculine machine… Again you are showing complete ignorance in this sector. Get with the times man! His bird would probably be more exited about the Wii than the flippin Chocolates ore perfume.

Dude… just don’t try any more.

P.S. Your drawings are kinna shit.

Silent Hill continues to rock!

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Silent hill origins came out last week.


But rather annoyingly only on the PSP. So we at that guys have scrambled around in our cupboard of freebies and dug out our PSP (still in its box), part of us was glad because there is actually a reason to use the PSP!

So we break out Silent Hill origins and start that bad boy up! And it is amazing! It follows the story of Travis, a truck driver. Who is getting caught up in the events preceding the original Silent Hill.

*Spoilers… Right up ye*
If you have played the “previous” silent hill games, you know that Alessa is Dahlias Kid, and that Alessa was burned alive, well the story takes place from this moment onwards. Dahlia, Dr Kaufmann, Lisa are all in it, but younger. Alessa is kicking about there to.


The Graphics are actually quite good, as with most PSP games (according to what I have heard) it’s a mix between PS1 and PS2 graphics, a sort of PS1.5 which is great because it is reminiscent of the original silent hill.

Gameplay is more of the same, c…

A Worthy Entry

But Dacav still has the title for best Tetris remix yet. This one is good, the vocals mix it up a bit but as with a lot of Electrance the repetitiveness kicks in. And your talking about Tetris in the first instance which isn't amazingly varied. It needed a bigger ramp up to. Possibly, the B game theme could have flitted in as a bonus for those able to mark subtle auditory mix ups.

Last Christmas

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This christmas is gearing up to be a good one and already it's very heavily video game oriented. The TV is running Hitman the movie ads almost every ad break and the trailers for Assasin's Creed and Need for Speed Pro Street are popping up quite a bit, as well as others. They seem to be good adverts too, grown up ads, no longer the reserve of horrible ALRIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT American voice over tat or Sony wankery they used to be.
This month's EDGE has an interesting schpiz on marketing for games and how much money is thrown at the great unwashed on marketing alone. Up to 15 percent of a game's net receipts is spent on marketing and for titles released worldwide for christmas up to £7 million is being spent. Recent discussions with Giant Enemy Guitar Hero suggest that PR and advertising may be the way to go about getting your game off the shelves regardless of unfulfilled promises by developers and publishers in pre-launch hype. The oft cited poor initial receptions to the…

Shit the bed

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Shit it like a polaroid picture. Props to Chuff_72 for showing me how Christmas is going to get even more expensive since this post. Yes that's right Sea Monsters: A Prehistoric Adventure for the DS.

Advance apologies to my niece and nephew but it's another 11% towards my life dream. When you are my age you'll appreciate that I went for it. x x

Review from the box art: Tricky. Very tricky. Could be amazing if done in an Endless Ocean kind of way. Probably going to be a bit dodge-modge kind of like a Tamagotchi but with even less functionality than eat, poo and sleep. COntains prehistoric monsters 9.5/10*

*The use of the word "monsters" over extinct mesozoic marine fauna loses the 0.5 point

Incontinent Gay Nonces

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Yes, those perverts at IGN, spurred on by creative juices and out of the box thinking are doing another Top 100. Let's hope they are doing the list by the rules. Let's check:

1) Don't ever mention Zelda or Metroid. FAILED. Number 78 is Link's Awakening. I suspect the top 30 will be littered with metroids and zeldas. Come on IGN sort it out.

2)When everyone least suspects it pull out a really shitty retro game to fuck off all the youg'ns. PASS! Number 70 is Tecmo Bowl for the GB and NES. Yes, that's right it is better than Wipeout, Goldeneye, Quake 2 and the original Resident Evil.

3) Ignore all PC games except the crappy Molyneux games that no one really played or enjoyed anyway. FAIL. They've gone for some other shit like Syndicate, Mech Warrior 2 and planetscape:Torment. Selling out.

4) Cram in as many "Great but underrated" games as possible. PASS. Hello! ICO.

5) Put at least one of the Final Fantasies, other than VII above VII in the list.PASS. Fin…

Last Night

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Last night TGAM had their first ever official online encounter with each other. Gears and Halo 3 were the games. At one point we teamed up and showed the rest of the online community exactly how you play. TGAM STYLE. The pictures tell the story. We're the Red Team, Team Blue is Team 'Sidekick' (Duffin and Chuff_72) and Team Green were the guys who tried hard but weren't very good (Mr Cyclopse and TLK ToRnaDo Jd)

Yes within literal seconds we were shooting at each other.
Then we were using vehicles.We were committed to eliminating each other.
We managed to stop shooting each other but only when the opportunity to drive around like idiots presented itself. This screenshot here is the result. That's me that is.
The other teams were dazzled with out L337 skills and fury.
We easily won. The score was something like 54 kills to us. 3 for the other teams combined. We don't need to prove that we are the best any more thanks to everyone who tried. We'll see you at t…

Help Needed

Below is a chat conversation between myself an Cunzy in response to theprevious post about Terra Nova:Cunzy 11: I just,I just,Hate them
So much
Richie: lol
Cunzy 11: Hate hate hate
Fair enough if they ju argghhh
HATE THEM
Wanky bollox
It's rubbish
Richie: I never readTN
Cunzy 11: It's like TGAM except not funny or pertinent
Or anything
SHIT
Richie: Hmmmmmmmm
"Deliberately doing something pleasurable which you know will cause others pain (e.g. ganking)"from Terra Nova
Ummmm
Cunzy 11: Pfffffffffffffft
pFffffffffffft
See my comments on that post
Richie: Its a gank or be ganked world... Deal with it
Cunzy 11: I know
Don't whinge about it
But doubly don't try to define it
They try to define it to themselves
Chat to any normal gamer and they won't care
They'll sayI was ganked/fraged/ninjad
They don't care
Richie:no
Ninja-ing is wrong.Well wrong
WAIT
Don't care
Cunzy 11: Exactly
And it's different in WoW or Baldur's Gate or Timesplitters 2 splitscreen
No point in defining i…