Wednesday, December 27, 2006

WoW, Xmas Gaming sucks...

So the Xmas period is upon us, everyone has got new games for all varieties of systems, and in playing this variety of PS2 RPG's, 360 Shooters, DS throw-away's, and Wii flappers, I got withdrawals. Its buggin me, I quit WoW months ago, but goddamn! It was a good game! Yeah I know, I'm just nostalgic, and possibly rose-tinting the situation. Everything I have been seeing in games recently has been reminding me of WoW and with the Burning Crusade expansion dawning on the horizon, it's on every fucking game site too. So where am I going with this? Bear with me...

I'm worried that WoW has ruined my expectations/outlook on games. WoW was shit, there were hideous people online, gold farmers, 40-man raids, even just parting with Twats... But the world was huge, beautifully rendered and the quests were fun (well later on they were fun once it stopped being, kill 20 X, 15 Y and 10 Z, then return to me) and to be honest the levelling system was all you could want in a game. Only problem was that to achieve anything it meant partying or raiding i.e. teaming up with twats.

As I mentioned before, other games I have been playing have been reminding me of WoW, one such game would be Oblivion... Oblivion is essentially a kind of one player WoW, but it just did not get enough things right.

That guy's list of things Oblivion didn't get quite right:

1. There was not enough variety of armours and weapons, about 10 different sets all together, they all look generic, and most plebs (NPC's) in the world seem to have that armour too.
2. There are no real defined classes, anyone can learn anything e.g. warriors can learn fireballs.
3. The levelling up system is stupid, once you go up 10 points in your "Major Skills" varying from throwing fire balls, to selling items in a shop, you will then go up a level. In theory. IN THEORY, you could level up without killing one bad guy.
4. The world is pretty, however there only seems to be 6-7 tile sets (Well they are not called tile sets nowadays, maybe environments would be better phrasing? Any of you level designers out there know what I'm talking about?)
5. The races, well there's a few of them, Lizards, Lions, about 12 different types of elves, humans and orcs. All of which are pretty much generic, and don't matter either, you'll barely see your characters face.

That guy's list of things Oblivion got right:

1. All the characters speak.
2. Quick Travel, genius.
3. A main plot line, which can be ignored if desired.

My point here is that I think WoW has a great balance of things that are right and I think Blizzard should bite the bullet and make a 1 player WoW version, Essentially it would be a Diablo 3, and the game would be so much better without wankers flapping about too! All hey need to do is add in the latter list and Boom instant Hit! Hell they could even bring out different versions for Alliance or horde, hell they could bring out different versions for each race they would ALL sell. And I'm guessing it would also be easy to do, since well they have a Map (Big one too), Character models, and I suppose they could have some online play a la Diablo 2.

Another thing that was getting me was maybe WoW just had a crappy bunch of online people? I though maybe it would be worth getting Final fantasy XI and giving MMO's a second chance? Then I read a review, and this excerpt made me immediately scrap that idea, "Once you hit level 30 it's impossible to level, grind, collect or quest without a 5-man party". Fuck that.

I also have RF Online sitting in the house, apparently it's a total grind fest and the only player collaboration required is for PvP, Nice, though I still haven't got the bottle to put it in my PC.

There are not enough decent RPG games out there, too many of them are generic, Orcs, Mages, Dwarves etc... Neverwinter nights 2 is supposedly quite good, though this is supposed to be an RPG in the baulders gate sense, which to be honest, I owned, played for a few hours, got a troop together, and then died from a wolf. Sucks.

P.S. Would it be wrong to get burning crusade, start a new character, then hate the game after a few days/weeks/months?

Help me people

Saturday, December 23, 2006

TGAM Game of The Year 2006: Cunzy1 1

It's been a good year for games with 7 consoles releasing some truly brilliant games. What is my choice of the year? Shadow of the Colossus? Gears of War? New Super Mario Bros? Or have we been bunged a load of cash to say Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter?

No lady and gentlemen my choice for game of the year 2006 is Timesplitters 2, the finest FPS on any format, possibly excluding all the Residet Evils which are RTS anyway.

Why is it so great?
Timesplitters 2 is so great because it had everything and it was birthed during the happy phase of gaming before age of cynicism of advertising, bugged to fuck game releases and mediocre copy catting. Go ahead whack it on now remind yourself how good it is, no gangstas, no Halo health system, no EA trax and no episodic releases.

The story mode (although lacking a strong plot) is still highly enjoyable now, putting the "acclaimed" story modes of Half Life 2, Gears of War and Final Fantasy XII to shame. The levels are excellently designed and the layouts of each one has seemlessy wormed it's way into my long term memory from the opening snipe-snipe-move of the excellent Siberia level to the daunting endless firefight of the Robot Factory. The story mode was better experienced 2P Co-op without any watering down of objectives or sections unlike other FPS that offer "Co-operative play" albeit minus secondary objectives, unlockables, mutiple routes and set pieces . Beating the story mode on hard was no mean feat either, the first level (still) proving one of the most challenging.

The game would also load profiles from both (or from all 4 with a multitap) memory card slots at the same time too!. A feature that a lot of current games still don't include which means many a trip to the memory card browser to see where all your save games are. It sounds like a small point but in the age of ADD, during group game sessions the ordeal of finding old save games can mean that some games just simply won't get played because by the time you've opened the disk tray reset the console and checked three memory cards the initial desire to play rapidly fades.

The challenges were both fun and, umm challenging lengthening the replayability and also generating a mild amount of competition between TS players (see the Timesplitters World Records for the sickest acheivers). The player statistics and arcade awards were genius too especially the Surf Time stat. (the amount of time spent riding the crane on the Hangar level) and the Cartographer award. In our circle the behead the undead challenges became the one to beat friends' scores. Sergio's Last Stand was my favourite pitting Sergio the Strongman in the ring of the big top facing wave after wave of flaming zombies armed only with a shotgun and a fire extinguisher. The tonne of unlockable cheats, extras (including the addicitve Anaconda, Astrolander and the racing game for use on the Temporal Uplink in story mode) and characters meant that many a night was wasted on that perpetual "one last go".

The game is full of humour with hat-tipping to popular culture and the original TS throughout. Challenges and Arcade league matches entitled "Dead Fraction", "Golden Thighs", "Aztec the Dino Hunter" and "Half Death" were the more obvious references to other FPS, particularly Rare games. The Akira-inspired Neotokyo level (set in the same year and city as Akira) and the Half life-esque Atomsmasher also spring to mind. A read through the character bios on the gallery screen still gets a chuckle at some of the more subtle references. It's these kind of obscure features that will us to believe that the makers of this game love games as much we do and in a silly kind of way rewards us for wasting our time with this looked-down on hobby that is playing games.

The multiplayer is amazing all who disagree are wrong or have "shit between their brains". 4 player is an absolute must and the 16 player link up mode was nearly fautless with enough players (us and the three other people that played it over an ilink think so) but bots were disabled which meant that unless there were a decent number of players matches would get tedious with me winning all the time. The 16 multiplayer maps were highly awesome as well as being strong across the board which is quite unique for FPS. Levels such a Ice Station, Chinese, Mexican Mission, Training Ground, Hospital, Construction Site and Streets bring back many happy memories of hours of fun, be it an epic capture the bag tournament on the Ice Station or a close run Gladiator match in the Nightclub.

TS2 offered 16 different game modes from standard deathmatches to brilliant virus, gladiator and elimination to the hit and miss leech, shrink, thief and vampire modes. We ended up playing virus mode the most (approximately 98% of the time) in specially constructed levels made with the mapmaker. Even though most of our levels had the odds stacked in our favour with strategically placed gun turret batteries and various fall-back positions we only ever made it to the full ten minutes on a handful of occasions; even less so as a completely "clean" team.

Despite the fact that there were 126 selectable characters, including most of the cast from the first Timesplitters, many of them are memorable, reminding you of their related levels and challenges, from the brilliant R One-Oh-Seven to the annoying Robo Fish. We grew to hate Harry Tipper (We used to call him Harry Potter we hated him that much) who seemed to take on a god-like toughness once he contracted the virus. My personal favourite was Lady Jane from the first timesplitters. Being able to keep "a character" throughout a series is underrated especially if you think about the complaints that arose when characters couldn't be transferred from Baldur's gate 1-2 and the troubles that many MMORPG players have because they can't transfer characters over servers.

The weapons were also formidable from the grenade launching S47 rifle to the flammable arrows of the crossbow (you could use fire from the environment to turn normal arrows into fire arrows). The use of secondary fire for weapons like the minigun, S47 and plasma autorifle meant that even when you were armed with just one gun there were still plenty of options for beating opponents; go in guns blazing? Nuke the room with grenades first? Or go for the tag and run approach with the plasma autorifle grenades? The inclusion of the fire extinguisher and the return of the brick were much welcome for the occassional silly deathmatch or a desperate last resort.

The music was also supreme. The Goteki TS remix, the Nightclub theme, the Anaconda themetune being the best but the haunting Notre Dame track and cyber punk Neotokyo tunes featured on most of our custom levels. Go to this superb site Timesplitters music box to download or hear them.

The downsides
There were only two downsides to my Game of the Year 2006. Firstly, they removed team starts in deathmatch for mapmaker constructed levels which meant that team deathmatches weren't as "us vs. them" as in the original. Some levels were a bit shite because there was a chance you'd start next to 3 opponents. Secondly, there were no character animations on the charater select screen which was a really nice feature in the first one (memorable quotes including "Ok we leave"-Ghost a reference to the Cube, "Who's your daddy?"-Tuxedo Cyborg and "Wheee Doggy. Looks like we got some shooting to do"-The hillbilly mutant guy. Other than that; get, play and love this game.

The comments above reflect a mere tip of the iceberg of the stuff in this game but I'm hoping that 2007 brings a worthy sequel. Certainly a hard act to follow especially with the emphasis on today's FPS being online play, vehicles and all the other Halo suff. What makes this game Game of the Year for me is just the fun you could have and the humour that shone through regardless if your playing on your own, 2 player story or 4 player mode. Harry Potter's cry of "Ai, it burns", the shame of getting Pathetic Shot award after an intense deathmatch or the joy of beating your record on the Nikki Jinki Bricky match in Arcade League.

UPDATE we have had a flurry of emails about the 'so called' sequel to TGAM Game of the Year Timesplitters 2, Timesplitters Future Perfect. Calling this a sequel to the brilliant TS or TS2 is akin to murder. I don't mean metaphorically or hyperbolically, it actually carries the same weight as killing another human being. I will hear no further discussion of this point less you want to be a murderer in mine eyes. The game is playable but don't ever ever tarnish the legacy of TS and TS2 by mentioning Future Perfect within a month of mentioning TS and TS2.

Why saying that Timesplitters future perfect is a sequel to Timesplitters 2 is like actually killing another human being:

1) The announcer.
This one feature alone requires the death of another jesus to bring human kind back to zero on the sin-o-nometer.
2) Four kinds of monkey. Anyone playing as the monkey is a total cunt. Don't encourage cuntness in games there's already too much of it.
3) The pointless zeep.
4) There was no Lady Jane and most of the new characters were more generic than a Boing Boing post. Chuff_72 adds: they took away Jaques De la Morte's hat too

5) The annoying EA "Have you played as the monkey" messages that appeared during the menu screens. Most annoying was the "Have you swapped maps online yet?" message. Ha ha ha the PS2 online.
6) They ruined the gun turrets. Essentially, it was decided that you didn't need to be able to see where you were shooting whilst on the gun turrets. As much fun as a screen full of muzzle flare is, the reticule on the TS2 version was infinitely better.
7) Harry Potter was one of the main characters.
8) The virus looked rubbish. Before, infected guys would be neon green head to toe. In FP only the top half was a pale greenish which meant that on some levels it was hard to see the virus and it was always difficult to tell if you had caught it for a while.
9) The multiplayer levels were shit. The good levels were Mexican Mission, Chinese and Training Ground even then they managed to ruin Chinese by linking the level up. Venice was generic and confusing, the Temple was mediocre, Zeppelin is too big, meaning half the time you are looking for opponents, Bunker was too confusing, VR is perhaps the worst looking level in world history, Disco was too small, Siberia was too big and Spaceport was too restricted. The big shame is that some of the story mode levels would have made great multiplayer maps.
10) Character selection animation was brought back but oh god (see point 5).....
11) Somehow the fun was stolen from it. It was too easy to die and it was too easy to kill opponenets. Somewhere a fundamental change between TS2 and FP changed the whole dynamic of the multiplayer game. /cry myself to sleep.
12) The weapons were shite. Because the flexibility of weapons was removed (see below) if you get stuck with a mag-charger or revolver you might as well give up until you respawn.
13) After the release of TS2 many FPS adopted the same control system with fire and primary fire buttons in the same place. In FP secondary fire was changed and controlled with the d-pad this meant that guns were no longer as flexible because of the 1-2 second break between modes. Also the decision to map grenades onto a button for itself was ill conceived. Even now when playing FP I have to really think which button throws grenades. Why they didn't stick with the TS2 setup keeps me wide awake at night, crying like a menstrual hypersensitive young women with a cold and peanut allergies working as an onion peeler in a peanut processing factory just after the deaths of everyone she knows watching that 'somewhere over the rainbow' cancer awareness advert.

Cunzy out


I have had a DS now for a few months now, and well its bugging me, the games are crap and the wi-fi connectivity crap is even worse. I mean I know in theory its all good, but essentially it means you need to have a bunch of like-minded friends who would genuinely go out of their way to connect up and play with you, and also very likely in a room with and Xbox 360, Wii or PS2.

Gimmicks in games gave always annoyed me, things like Donkey konga, Dance mats, light sensors, because they well, are usually crap. Recently there has a been a splurge of such gimmicks: Buzz, Guitar hero, Singstar. which have been hits, yet i feel that there is no way i would spend nearly as much time, or get as much enjoyment, with these gimmicks as I would with... oh I dunno... a massive Squenix RPG.

And thats whats getting me with the DS all these gimmicks are trying to make me socialize with the socially stunted fucktards that carry their DS's around... Fuck it I want playablity i want... I dont know what i want, but right now I'm pretty sure it is NOT a DS. Condolences to those who are getting one this Xmas, prepare to feel disappointed in about 3 months.

Now... Where does this put the Wii? which is essentially just a big Gimmick box a selection of mini-games to play with your mates. The only reason i wanted i Wii is for Zelda, so that i can swoosh the sword. And you know what thats gonna grow old after like the tenth time! But not just that, it wont only grow old, it'll get fucking annoying... If the Wii was not so cheap, it would be getting a shed load of crap reviews right now.

Bah Humbug Nintendo.

Friday, December 22, 2006

He heh

FF FFiction

We here at TGAM love fan fiction and we’ve even had a go ourselves. Fan fiction is a great way to flesh out some of the worlds that we know and love. Let’s face it Final Fantasy VII won’t be getting a sequel (except the film and DoC) so it’s up to the fans to carry on the story.
The wonderful world of fan fiction can be accessed
here but I’ve isolated some of the best bits right here for your reading pleasure:

Unfortunately, I didn’t write any of the following. The titles for the pieces are given but I haven’t listed the author’s names in case they want to remain anonymous.

World Of Warcraft-Kindrel
“Drakken began to thrust faster and kiss Kindrel more forcefully. His tail tightened around the both of them. Kindrel let go of Drakken’s tail and began to dig his nails into his massive arms Drakken raised his lower body up into the air making him and Kindrel arc as he felt himself climax. Then they both ejaculated.”
A blood elf and a paladin going at it is a novel idea. Unfortunately I’m not one of the 1 in 3 men that can ejaculate through anal penetration. God knows I’ve tried.

Silent Hill/DMC Xover-Silent Cry
“Dante has to take Lucia to Silent Hill, she has been acting strange and Dante found out this is the only saloution [sic.]. Dante X Lucia I do not own DMC or SH”
Hello, I’m looking for a job as a Doctor in a hospital. I have no medical qualifications nd I hate operating on people.

Resident Evil-With You
“Now her back arced more drastically than before as she spurged with cum. Leon took in as much of her creamy goodness as he could at a time.As Claire let out her last wave of cum, Leon climbed up her body and kissed her hard on the lips. “I Love you Claire.” Leon said genuinely, “I love you so much.” “I love you too baby…” Claire said breathlessly while attempting to kiss him back, “I love you too…” ”
This is exactly what all love making is like. You know she doesn’t love you if she doesn’t spurge with cum. You know he doesn’t love you if he doesn’t take in as much creamy goodness as he could at a time.

Final Fantasy
Without a shadow of a doubt the most ffictioned games series. Ever wondered what it would be like if Vincent found materia that took him into the game Halo? Cloud at Hogwarts? Almost any crossover or sexual pairing you can imagine has been done. Here is the best of the best. All these are from VII. It is currently not legal to post FFVIII fanfictions they are a whole other level of craziness.

Biological Lessons
“Meet Sephiroth, a teacher at Midgar High. Meet Cloud Strife, a stubborn hot tempered 16 year old trying to earn a reputation in high school. Mix these two together and chaos will be the result.”
OMG is this Canon or not? Because Sephiroth would definitely be more of business studies teacher than biology teacher.

“His own seed filing in that tight passage that massaged him greatly, bringing his sanity all to far away from him. Yes, Cloud made him loose his sanity, yet at the same time kept his sanity. “Oh, Vincent... I-... I-...” He couldn’t manage the words. Yet he wanted to say them dearly. Vincent smirked and moved from within his lover. Pulling the man down into the depths of sin. “Don’t leave me.” Cloud was only worried this was a one night stand, like with Sephiroth. But, fortunately, it wasn’t.”
When your being done in the shit box by a semi-demon it seems everyone is confused about their sanity. Am I keeping it am I loosing it? Sephiroth is totally the one night stand kind of guy.

Candy Hearts
“PreAC. Yazoo is an aspiring dancer working at an exclusive nightclub while battling a disease when he meets someone who takes his breath away. When things go downhill, can he and his brothers ride it out? Or will they need a little help from a friend?”
This was a deleted scene on Final Fantasy Advent Children. It was cut from the final film because the premise of Yazoo being an aspiring dancer with a disease is really really stupid.

Cosmo Memory
“In response, Red attacked her with his tongue, making her gasp sharply as his tongue went even deeper inside her, brushing against her hymen. "Oh gawd, yes Red!" she cried out, her quivering arms giving out on her as she pushed back against his mouth. As soon as she moved, Red let out a threatening growl like she'd never heard from him before. Stunned, Yuffie stayed where she was. The girl gulped as Red licked the back of her head, a surprisingly tender action despite his bestial demeanor. "Red…" she whined hopefully. Another lick on the back of her head was the big cat's only response. Red lowered his haunches and thrust at her, sliding beneath his target. Yuffie whimpered in fear as he thrust again, this time too high. The girl hoped he wouldn't be able to get in and would give up, but cried out when his third shot hit the mark.”
I honestly can’t decide what to be more shocked at. That someone felt they needed to write this or that Yuffie is a cockney. “Oh gawd, love a duck. Jog on mushta before the trouble and strife gives you peas and soup”

What with the games, tv series, films, trading cards, vibrators, comics, books, pen ends, lunchboxes and all the other merchandise you’d think there wouldn’t be much left to the imagination of fanfic writers. You would think wrong….

Elite Protection
“After finding he was pregnant, Ash ran from Gary, his lover, and sought out the Elite Four of Indigo, who took him in until he was ready to give birth to his baby. But then, Gary shows up again, and Lance has just claimed Ash for his own...ShiShi mpreg”
It makes sense when you read it again.

The Cursed Prince
“In a medival land with no royal heirs, Prince Ash is the only one capable of carrying children. He and Prince Gary are to be wed, but can they set aside thier differences first? Yaoi, Shishi, mpreg”
Someone clearly read the one above and thought “you know what would turn this good story into a great story? Set it in medieval times”. This principle works for most things I find.

Halo-Halo: Truth or Dare
“MC and Grunt were in their lounge. "Hey, MC, how many people are coming to our party?" Grunt asked. "Only two. Cortana and the Elite." MC replied. "Holy shit! That's only two people! Invite more!" Grunt shouted. "I don't know anyone else. I'm a soldier, remember numb nuts!" "Alright, ring Cortana, and ask her to invite some friends.”
Hey Master Chief I’m a fucking soldier, you go and pay the council tax now before we get a summons. Don’t forget we need toilet paper too we’re nearly out.

Zelda-First Time
"JUST FUCK ME ALREADY!" she pleaded. Link laughed and kissed her sweet lips, "As you wish, my princess." And with that, he grabbed her thighs and pulled her vagina closer to his pleasure stick. The head of his 8" penis pressed hard on her verginity. Zelda's face began to look pained, but Link continued to force himself inside.”
She did ask for it.

Bubble Bobble-Addiction
“The dinosaur let out a terror-filled cry as all the enemies that he had blown bubbles around came toward him. The stench of decay filled the air as their rotting flesh buzzed with maggots and worms. As they lurched toward him, he frantically attempted once again to blow a bubble, but still could not. The phantasms laughed at him, a creaky, musty, and above all, dead laugh. They reached him, grabbed him, ripped him apart…”
Perhaps the greatest fan fiction of all time- inspired by real events.

Next week on FF FFiction
Mario and Sonic team up to fight Dark Yuna who is now part of Team Rocket. But is it more than just friendship between Mario and Sonic? What is the secret behind Jesse and Dark Yuna’s relationship? Who has the creamiest splurge to be taken down in one go?

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Second Life: The Review

Yeah so, I quit WoW and all that, and as such I have been quite wary about even considering another MMO. However everyone and their uncle has been going on about Second life and how great it is. Now I must state that I just stayed away from it and didn't pay attention to anything about it as well it's an MMO apparently. But then I found out it was free, so I downloaded it.

SO after 30Mb downloading, 60Mb installation, and registering, I found that Second life is no more than a glorified Chat Program! There is nothing to this program, admittedly you can change your avatar to an almost infinite degree, which to be honest seemed like dressing a doll, but with more slide bars. Then you go interact with a bunch of online social fuckwits, which to be honest is the bit I hate when playing online, Will Fcuk 4 Gold, ROTFLOL, ugh. And yeah that's pretty much it...

I have no fucking Idea why anyone can honestly say that a chat program like this could ever even slightly topple the success of WoW! For one...


I was distraught, I genuinely thought people were buzzing about this "Program" as it was new and different, but and I cannot stress this enough it is just a pretty chat program.

Well, I say "pretty"... It's not even that, it's glitchy, slow and unresponsive, and one of the (three) times I logged in, my character was invisible.

Ok. Ok. so I get it there are certain things that can be done in this game like creating houses and buying clothes or cybaaar, but that relies on users creating stuff, which from what I gather is not that easy and to what avail? Just to show off? "Look I made a house, come play with my balls".

Anyways so officially That guys is officially creating our Second ligfe awareness campaign:

Second life is nothing but a glorified chat program, which is not really nice enough looking.

That guys score:

0/10 - It is not a game

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Perhaps the worst Gaming Christmas list ever

Yeah thats right not one game I want this Christmas. Sure there are games I want but not one than I look forward to to buying for myself as a well earned chirstmas present to spend quality time with whilst scoffing mint matchsticks and spicy twiglets after a Christmas meal. Lets take a little looky shall we?

Dear Santa
Here is a kind of open Christmas letter. Don't worry about getting any of it though, I doubt even you could get your merry little hands on some these.

1) Xbox 360.
Still too expensive and there's no reason to buy one now that the Wii and PS3 are technically 'out' in the UK one of them might be better than gears of war or dead rising. Let's face it I'm not going to pay to go online after the free account expires anyway. I know the PS3 isn't technically out but you still won't be able to get one 1-4 months after it officially launches anyway.

2) Wii
If I could get hold of one I can honestly say I don't want to play any of the 'games' out at the moment after 1 go on each of the Wii Play and Wii sports games. Even if I didn't hate Zelda games I would wait until it becomes £30 for a Wii this time next year when Nintendo once again decide they don't want to send games to Europe anymore.

3) Playstation 3
Copy and paste as many PS3 jokes ripped from TV, the internet and magazines here.

4) Games
Hmmmm lets see shall we. Good fucking christ. Someone did drop a memo to games companies right? The whole Christmas thing sometime next week. Lots of people buying stuff. Massive consumer event. No? Ok well it'll probably be missed as much as E3. Hang on, how about the DS? I've been reading loads about how it's taking over the world. Well Frig My Daughter 3 DS games released in December. Three.

5) Dirge of Ceberus
Yep. That's it. The only thing I would like that's kind of new (you have to buy a new game at Christmas. Shit if your spunking all your hard earned money of shit presents for people you don't really like but have to buy presents for you might as well splash out) and it is unanimously acknowledged as a shit game that just happens to be set in a world I'm a bit gay for.

I'm sorry guys but I'm lost for words. If this is the big Christmas rush then I might have to get World of Warcraft to waste the rest of my life on. Maybe I'll try to do the last 1.9% of Timesplitters Future Perfect? No, no too hard. Maybe I'll go outside over Christmas? No. No too cold. I need a plan for Christmas what are you going to be doing? Suggestions in the comments guys*

*You know this means Quadbee, Robisgay, Chuff_72, Dr. Wo and possibly that lazt arse Richie. I want 100% readership participation on this one.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

That guy's guide to...

Hey, are you a gamer?

Have you somehow managed to get a girlfriend?

Xmas shopping getting you down?

If the answers to these questions are yes then look no further than here, it's:

The That Guy's a Maniac guide to buying presents for your girlfriend if you are a gamer/geeky gadget boy.


First reviewed in August this year, this is a Vibrator add-on for the iPod and features penetrative vibrator only.


This is the hottest of the products this year, we reviewed this bad boy in July, however if you check out the new website (Which also details the recent scandal apple have been having with iBuzz's marketing campaign), you will also see that there is the iBuzz2.

This latest update to the iBuzz includes not 1 but 2 attachments allowing guys to use the attachment as well as/or even at the same time as their female partners.


Fanboy#29 + Girl (real, but with 1 eye missing)
"Its like having sex but not as good"

"Where does that bit go? NO WAY! Really? Will it fit? Nah, um... I'm outta here... weirdo's"

Fanboy#207 + Fanboy/girl#3
"Its like listening to music with something touching you in that Special Place"

"What do you mean I'm using the girls bit... this feels nice... "

London tube iPodder#4217 + London tube iPodder#387
"Wow, like, it's a total sensory overload, aural and physical. It takes us to a whole new level of consciousness"

"Wait a minute, If a guy uses this thing and... well gets off to some guy singing, is that gay?"

"I know its mainly based on the beats and stuff, but what if the drummer's a guy then?"

"What if the song moves on, and then you spluff just as a new song with a guy singin/drummin comes on?"

"Ok what if I was listening to a podcast and an advert comes on for carpets, does that meant I'm gay for carpets?"

"Alright say I'm listening to the Devil may cry soundtrack, and when spluffage occurs I happened to be thinking about Dante?"

"Right so it doesn't matter what you are listening to... its just beats... oh... so its just a machine getting you off..."

"So essentially you are not gay, you are not straight, you are just an electrosexual..."


Rez and Trance Vibrator

Play the game and get-off.

Now players of Rez can go fuck themselves...

P.S. The Rez vibrator thing is like sooo old it came out in 2002, so the only chance of finding it is second hand...ewwwww

Happy Boning this Xmas, and as a little thank you to us at That Guys, make sure you get your woman/partner to call you William Birkin at least once for us...

Monday, December 18, 2006

Xmas Baby!

THere were supposed to be more characters but as it stands this took about 2 hours to make. People make it so hard to leech pictures they've already leeched of someone else Season's greetings! It took me ages to make this but I want a list of all the characters and games by the end of today.

P.S. Merry Christmas*

P.P.S Yes we here celebrate Christmas which is technically homophobic but watcha gonna do?

Friday, December 08, 2006

Explanation/Londonage part 8?

Oh yeah that's what the game needs rubbish generic characters to cosplay with. Lets face it Isaac and Hector aren't going to be in the game are they? Soooooo last night Richie and I had the first official That Guy's Reunion funded by all your hard-donated money.
We made the decision to play games for drinks drinking a shot every time we got beaten in Super Smash Brothers, Wario Ware Inc. or Resident Evil DS. This of course was forgetting that we suck at Super Smash Brothers when sober.

We also found an even better drink than Cockspur the unofficial inspirer of TGAM.
That's right, Mount Gay Rum. 2 pints, 2 JD + Cokes and 80% of a bottle of Mount Gay later we did this and then this and then this. At the time it was the funniest thing ever. Now it brings back memories of being quite wasted at about 7 o clock in the evening. Nevermind it's all being charged to the TGAM business account. We then watched Advent Children. I gave a brief lecture on Mo-capping which was pretty much just me saying mo-cap continuosly for ten or so minutes. Also, Richie announced that:

"Owning 12 testicles means that at least you wouldn't be taken by suprise, especially in cold situations".

And then failed to explain why or what he was talking about. We also agreed on some great new features for the site. I definitely remember agreeing on some new things. More on this if/when the brain cells come back. Have a nice weekend y'all. Part 2 tonight.....

In other news
1) We got a Wii! S'alright 7/10.
2) Resident Evil 2: Desperate Subtitle was announced for the DS! Wireless co-op! Not the weird star business
3) Also, you heard it here first, Luigi is probably going to be a playable character in the New Super Smash Brothers, we had a hands on with it and guess what? It works it works like a dream!
4) Only two of the above are true
5) Unless number 4 is false too.

Phone bloggage

Mental! Phones have internet...

Phone bloggage

Mental! Phones have internet...

Thursday, December 07, 2006


So this is me and cunzys first actual post together since the whole that guys phenomenon ever started.

thats a wrap people.


Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Kingdom Hearts 3!!!?!!!!!

LEZZING OFF. Thanks IGN. Would wouldn't would, wouldn't by the way- Cunzy11 Right so that's KH2 finished, with the secret movie unlocked, so what now? Where does it go from here? I mean they have pretty much exhausted every Disney movie plot, hell! "Pirates of the Caribbean" was pushing it anyway!
I had some thoughts...

Kingdom hearts 3: The Soaps
Sora is joined by Pat Butcher and Ken Barlow to travel the worlds, revisit old plot lines and defeat the heartless in Albert Square (Eastenders), Coronation St, Emerdale, Brookside Close, Chester (Hollyoaks). All the worlds, as it turns out, are controlled by Ultimacia the Time/Space witch from FF8. Mickey has collaborated with Edea to rid Utimacia's taint from all these worlds, expect Cloud, Leon, Yuffie, Cid, Sephiroth and the all the usual Disney characters to help out.

Kingdom hearts 3: Alien Vs Predator
Sora is joined by Ripley and Predator #6 to defeat the Face Hugger Heartless. Malificent has fused with the Alien Queen spawning these "face hugger heartless", these special heartless have managed to implant their seed in the hosts of countless worlds. Only the Keyblade wielder can close these worlds, followed by the Space Corp. Marines, Androids and a Troop of specially trained Predators.

In Space no one can hear you sing along with Ariel

Kingdom hearts 3: Resident Evil
Sora is joined by Leon and Jill. Umbrella has been taken over by Organisation XIII, now instead of Just Zombies being created when someone dies from the KH-Virus, a Nobody, a Heartless and a Zombie is created. Sora will have to revisit Racoon City world, the island from Code Veronica, Wow-what-a-Mansion world, Resident Evil Movie World (Featuring Mila Johovovovoich) and La Plaga World. Vincent and Jill can finally be reunited (wnak, wnak, WNAK). Expect Wesker to turn up, or Kerxwes as he is known.

Spoiler: Nemesis may end up being a good guy

Kingdom hearts 3: Disney deja vu
Sora returns to all the previous worlds and squeezes out the last plot he can, Donald Dies.

Kingdom hearts 3: Final Fantasy
In an attempt to make all Sqenix fanboys cocks/clits explode Sora is Joined By the whole cast of Disney to help return the final fantasy worlds to the way they were (but only the last few: VII, VIII, IX, X, X-2, XII). The heartless have become intertwined with Shin-ra, Sorceresses, Sin, and who ever the main bad guy is in XII, and now control most of the worlds. All the characters from all the games will talk to each other, some may kiss (Seifer + Tidus), all the girls will lez off in the highwind shower rooms, and Sephiroth finally kills Cloud.

Posted on behalf of Internetless Richie

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Turn Around

Remember back here when I said this but then I was wrong? Well, it
Hey Richie, hey cunzy, look I know you hate me but I really need a favour
happened again! Twice in one year. Maybe I should try to stay out of my
from you guys, from That Guys. I fucked up. This video project has cost me
K-Hole long enough to remember shit. Do you remember this
everything and I need your help, the fucktards that comment on my blog
from yesterday readers? Well I was wrong again.Miss Bea released the full
lap up everything I write but I know I've made a mistake this time.
thing and it's an absolutely fantastic little skit. EVERYONE should watch it. I
If you could please say one good word about it I'll owe you. Please Richie?
particularly like the guildmates, the setting, the sound and everything about it.
For old times' sake? I miss you Richie xx
Go now watch it. Don't come back all haven't-watched-it-at-all. Go now. Run you fools!
P.S If you could not tell anyone about this letter that would be great. I owe you sweeties. AN x

Looking at this is not looking at the movie! Don't make me put my foot up your ass!

Red Faction II

TGAM managed to secure an exclusive hands on with Red Faction 2 on the PS2-due out November 15th four years ago. Here is a review.

Red Faction was a good game, a half life for the consoles before half life went to the consoles. Red Faction 2 takes a slightly different tact on the FPS story driven game but you'll recognise some of the elements from the first one.

The game looks nice, it's a bit blocky in places but generally it's ok. The most immediate thing you'll notice is that there is no melee. More often than not you'll run up to a baddie firing until you run out of ammo. You then have to jump, backpeddle or strafe around until you reload. All the while the badguy will be doing the same. The game has some on-rail levels that see you in a tank or a jet fightery thing. These sections are okay but, on the whole, a bit too easy.

The blood in this game is weird. If you shoot someone standing near a wall a spot of blood will splatter behind them. This means that after some intense firefights the levels look like the bedsheets from an all-girls boarding school dorm during that mgical time of the month.

Also this game is one of the first to let you dual wield. This feature is great and I'm sure you'll be seeing it in more FPS as time goes by. It makes sense really, you end up picking up hundreds of pistols dropped by enemies so why not wield two! Of course you can't throw grenades if you are using two guns. A nice touch of reality!

RF2 also has the Geo-mod of the first one so in certain sections you'll be able to blow up sections of wall to find secret areas. This feature only really comes in useful when you least want to use it. You'll find that most walls cannot be damaged more than a few inches. However, it does make for some nice set pieces. Another feature maintained from the first game is the ability to attach explosive satchels to enemies and civilians. They will then run around screaming for a bit until the satchel explodes. Unfortunately, the satchels are now on a timer and not remotely controlled but to compensate for this when we attached a satchel to a woman hiding in a cupboard with a man (the man quibbles on for a moment "I know what this looks like....") she will scream "Mommy, Daddy?" before exploding into pieces which is sick but I'm glad it's in there.

Overall this game rocks. It won't take you too long to bust on medium, checkpoints are in useful places and it is rare to get irritated by the game because you have respawned miles away from the point you died. You may be better off starting on hard mode if you consider yourself to be a FPS veteran. The game has a myriad of extras to unlock; movies, character summaries, enemy summaries and concept art. The best of the movies is an entertaining Summoner Geeks retrospective on the original red faction by some of the characters from Summoner which is the kind of crossover feature that makes us videogame girlz at That Guy's go all gooey inside (and outside!). Unfortunately, I can't find the video from Red Faction 2.

Final Score: T-Virus but no G-virus!

Monday, December 04, 2006

That special genre of game

Since the year nothing there has been a distinct difference between what appears on the back of the box and on screen in games. However, right now we are reaching the stage where there ain't no difference no more. Sometimes. Take, for example Gears of War a game I played a leeetle bit too much of the other week there.
(Apologies for all the v links but here we go) In the UK this ad has been on the TV almost as much as the twilight princess advert. Nice yes?. This is a snippet of gameplay. Ok, so obviously there is a difference, but on the whole you get what you were advertised. You can use the chainsaw to cut people up, you get to shoot lots and lots of things, you can run down alleys and the game looks as near to the trailer as it can do without the sexy camera angles. Now look here. Well shit the bed if I don't want to buy it right now! In a previous life, ehem, if I had been a Warhammer player this had me, would of had me, psyched. I want in. It looks really good and the combat is exciting. Now look here.

What the fuck is that? Okay, okay, I know it's the alpha but look at it.
Although the game may change before release date, the fundamentals aren't going to change. You're still going to have to stand toe to toe with an enemy, pummeling them in the face as they pummel you in the face all the while your immersion is increasing with the appearence of neon symbols above your head, their head, NPCs' heads and animals in the backgrounds' heads. Day glow splashes and other effects representing magic will fill the screen. No one is really sure if it's working without looking at the myriad of things filling up the screen on the HUD. Watch (and listen, if you can bear it) it again then watch this again.

Which one makes you feel happier? What's wrong with the combat in the trailer? Why don't you have that in game? It's do-able surely? How are all the kick-ass fighting and that bit with the rocklobber, umm catapult thing, at all representative of the crappy WoW chonking each other in the head business? The answer is they aren't. So they either need to change their game so at least it plays like the trailer even if it doesn't look like it . Or, they should change the trailer to show protagonists running around in circles, shouting "AFK" at dinner time and then standing next to their arch enemies and just whacking them at the same time as they are getting whacked. Neither one flinching until they die. Then throw in some pink and luminous green fireworks going off left right and centre and then, only then, will the trailer accurately reflect the game. Why is it that MMORPGs are allowed to lie so much in their trailers?

Look here. Not once does the trailer reference Azeroth's booming sexing industry or the endlessly repeating battleground conflicts. Every character in the ad is wearing (some) clothes and not once do you see someone looking like they are bitching about Blizzard. No reference is made to the hundreds of characters who are half dragon or wolf inside or the scores of vorers. It's just plain misrepresentation. That's why we start our new campaign NO MORE NEON COLOURS OR FLOATING SYMBOLS OR NON EXISTANT COMBAT COLLISION DETECTION OR RUBBISH LIE HEAD TRAILERS IN/FOR MMORPGS.

I tried adding a screenis of WoW but the HUD bored me so much I just went for this image from here somewhereWhile we're at it we might as well pretend to care. NO MORE BIG EARS FOR ELVES. It's just type casting. Is that all they have to offer? Big ears? Why not give them three tits or warts. Nose warts for elves. Fuck it. Who are we trying to kid. More tits and big ears to distract people from what is essential the same fight a million times over.
7 Million players must be right? Right?

If lying in adverts is fine I just hope the next advert for Gears of War show 14,000 players-per-side fire fights, helicopters, tanks, robots and playable characters as big as buildings. Alternatively, they could just start showing the Killzone 2 adverts on TV again. Lie mongorers.


This weekend three things happened of note:

1) Field operative and semi-retired TGAM blogger Richie went to Auchinawa on the weekend. Here is his one line review "Shit. The staff were cunts. Long Story. We ended up leaving" expect a full review and photos when/if Richie returns from his hiatus.

2) My friend who has little to no interest in gaming, games or gamers had a hands on experience with the Wii at home a full week before many gamers won't be able to get theirs because they are already all sold out through preorder. He said " Baseball is ace". He forgot to mention that he is a lucky and ungrateful bastard. How did he get his hands on one? Is it Nintendo's new marketing strategy to give Wiis to people who don't care for games? I can't say but it is sick.

3) I actually played a SpongeBob SquarePants game on the PS2. I think it was Battle for Bikini Bottom but I can't be sure. Long and short of it: It wasn't bad! Excellent multiplayer that had six 20 somethings laughing our asses off. Something about books and covers should go here.

And that was the weekend that was.

Why you shouldn't put a video on your blog unless you are positive it isn't very dull or doesn't make you seem worse than people assume you are

Serve a justice that dwells in me
Lifeless corpse as far as the eye can see

Yes, yes seeing as there is nothing happening in the UK in terms of gaming this week it's time to go off topic.

You may remember the tenuous 'would' that is Miss Bea Havin from 1990's playstation magazine, Playstation Pro. Well we're not too sure she is Miss Bea Havin anymore.

To save you the jump Miss Bea does well to make you forget how she comes across as annoying, ""Wacky"" and needy yet frigid in writing, and just makes you think she is outright annoying. It's an important reminder to always question what you are posting. Are you posting to please the four 40 something baldies who follow your everyword despite the fact they repulse you or are you posting because you can't bring yourself to put razor to wrist as you and everyone else wants you to? In her latest video of an outake from her latest thing to do instead of topping herself, you could be blamed for thinking she is acting. However, near the end she comes out of character and you realise that she has to act to be less annoying than she is in real life. It's a shame because with a Chinook like that we could've shared some mean cow pies but I guess we'll have to go back to looking for Zangief porn for our fix of hunky men.

You can also find a lot of Miss Bea's previous videos under the Bookworm section on Booble.

WARNING NSFW! The video is that annoying that your boss may well come over and slap you in the face because they think the whiney voice they can hear is yours. Booble also sometimes has toe rings on the front page but the rest is OK.

P.S. I like how all the comments are between themselves


Friday, December 01, 2006

All the cool kids are doing it......

Yes children, it's the new pretending to be a girl in WoW, whining about being gay on the internet or quitting Wireless Mario Kart DS if you are losing.
It's gaming couples sharing Gamertag surnames. Established maniacs the 69's (Dr Wo and Roodypoo) and the 72s (Chuff_ and Wendy) are already doing it.
The Queen and Big Phil. can occasionally be found on EVE:Online under HrH 1!1!! and Pphil 1!1!!, the Beckham's enjoy the occasional game of WoW as Becks 54 and Posh 54 and Kev.Federmeyer and Britney Spears are currently persuing legal avenues to resolve a dispute on who will get to keep 38 as their gamertag. Once Nuts magazine reports it I'll have no problem convincing my boyfriend to become ZaChDinsT1 1!

This also explains why Richie's gamertag is Richie.