I have the key right here officer but I'm not about to leave this cell...

Oh shit! For anyone who is interested in games and on the internet you have probably by now learned that E3 is getting downgraded or something. Well paint me yellow and call me supersonic if I'm not over the fucking moon about it!

As much as I love to download shaky-cam videos of fat Americans saying "So like so like so like totally awesome" (we don't have the proper internet in Britain so we have to save everything to VHS) I couldn't give a monkeys about E3. Here are this years highlights as I have observed them...

1) Reggie Sans Amie telling everyone how to play a fucking Zelda game. Oh really, the big button? Mental.

2) Over 200 hours of FMV sequences for sequels to popular games giving absolutely no insight into what the actual game may look like or how it plays.

3) More Sony lies, but the new Motorstorm video was pretty amazing. Not since MGS on the playstation has terrain been so realistially modelled in real time! Those footprints in the snow were awesome.

4) Dead Rising

5) The Wii promotional video re-cut and played over and over again whilst Reggie-Wins-Annie says "Playing is believing" in the most annoying accent ever.

Then in the 2-8 months after E3 every magazine, website and eventually the (shudder) blogs do an E3 round up. It seems to be a competition for who can say the most on the game that had the least exposure. Here's what I would like to see from the shorter E3 this year...

E3 2007 Schedule
10am-11am Nintendo announces "Nintendo map of world had a coffee stain in the middle. Recent cleaning shows Europe. Europe finally properly located and assessed as a viable market for products". Whole back catalogue given to europe in special Nintendo stores so that GAME can't fuck everyone by only selling Cars and Sponge Bob games. Americans laugh for a bit too long because Europe sounds a bit like "syrup".
11am-12pm Sony says fuck PS3 we don't know what we are doing really. Hang on to your PS2s we going to learn how to do that properly before releasing another console that will be broken for the first two years of it's life anyway.

12pm-1pm Lunch including tuna paste sandwiches cut into sonic-head shapes and those weird final fantasy drinks.

1pm-1.30pm Sonic Team publicly executed. Members who worked on Sonic Rush to go painlessly.

1.30pm-1.35pm Peter Molyneux says "screw doing wanky titles they all suck in terms of sales & gameplay and are pretty boring. I'm going to do a next gen Colony Wars "borrowing" ideas from Grand Theft Auto for the non-ship based part of the game". Will Wright says "Spore is pretty boring actually. Novelty wears off after 4 days of playing plus the video was a fake all along".

1.35pm-3pm Americans taught how to say Massively Multiplayer without sounding completely retarded.

3pm-3.30pm Blizzard announces PvP everywhere in WoW. It's time to start fighting instead of bitching about our latest patches and nerfs. Anyone caught not fighting to be banned for up to 6 months. Blizzard also 'fesses up to Starcraft Ghost never actually coming out. It was an April Fools joke that got a bit out of hand.

3.30pm-4pm Hollywood bans all game-movie and movie-game tie-ins except the made up James Bond ones which don't really count. EA dies a bit inside.

Yo Reggie funk the house funk it funk it funk it4pm-5pm Shigeru Miyamoto does a jig on stage while Reggie wears a fez and spins the wheels. "Yo Reggie funk that party".

Evening Session 5pm-November Hideo Kojima shows the new Metal Gear Solid video with extended dialogue this time between snake and a camouflaged wall. The action part of the video and the ape escape monkey section starts at about 5 minutes to November for those who don't want to sit through months of really fucking boring and a bit nonsensical dialogue which they'll have to sit through anyway when they play it on the PS2.

Three Months after that Microsoft turn up and realise that a)They were too late and b)No one really noticed.

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