Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Why girls are ruining the games industry:

...well maybe its not girls who are ruining the games industry, just the execs you are trying so hard to target them....well maybe its not girls who are ruining the games industry, just the execs you are trying so hard to target them.

...well maybe its not girls who are ruining the games industry, just the execs you are trying so hard to target them....well maybe its not girls who are ruining the games industry, just the execs you are trying so hard to target them....well maybe its not girls who are ruining the games industry, just the execs you are trying so hard to target them.

...well maybe its not girls who are ruining the games industry, just the execs you are trying so hard to target them....well maybe its not girls who are ruining the games industry, just the execs you are trying so hard to target them.

Insert Joke about "Pink". possibly related to ladies pink bits.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Soooo Lucky- Dino Masters

I was this close (makes a "very close" hand gesture) to buying this game the other day. DS, Dinosaurs?. Gamespot gave it 2.4 out of ten terrible.

But it looks so good!No, no it looks terrible. That's not what excavation sites look like, where's the dip and strike HUD! I don't see a compass clino!I mean look at it! It's got everything, maybe. Hang on Aralosaurus? It's a bit of an obscure dinosaur but...oooh one of those crabs from sonic and a Mario ? block. I wonder what rearity means? I don't know but it's got one star for rearity, that might be good. It's even got foram impressions in the rock like real stratigraphic sequenes. They are a bit big though. I wonder what 165 and 41.9% mean. Sorry, gamespot I might have to get this anyway.

UPDATE More disbelievers! Something is up though. Anonymous gave it a whopping 10! and a "excellent game i would recomend it to everybody." It's a conspiracy! I want Dinosauria goodness!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Exclusive Interview with the Auchinawa DJ

As promised I have managed to secure us an exclusive interview with the headlining DJ at Auchinawa! Her name is KaiserTia andas it turns out that she is a qualified maniac, because she once bit Cunzy11.

1) Welcome, Stranger. So, boring things first. As a "lady" gamer, where do you stand in the whole girl gamers issue? Do you feel you are stigmatised at all because of your genetic make up and/or your gaming hobby? Or is it simply that you beat Richie most of the time which is why he resorts to sexist remarks.

Pfft. I personally don't want any special treatment just because I'm a girl. Most of the games specifically made for girls are rubbish anyway. Give me a shotgun and some zombies any day! I think any girl that knew how to pick up a controller the right way was seen as a bit of a novelty in the bad old days, but this is something that is inevitably changing. Every year I'm meeting more and more girls that are into games in some way or another, and I certainly don't feel stigmatised by my interest - however, it can be annoying when I talk to geeks that think "Oh my god, it's a girl that's into games - marry me!". Flattering, but a bit tiring after a while.

As for Richie, the difference between him and me is that I can play Project Zero on my own with the lights off, whereas he lets it languish, collecting dust on a shelf until months later another girl borrows it.

2) Favourite games?

Ah, you're using plurals, so I could give you one hell of a list, but I'll be kind! My favourite games (in no particular order):

Super Metroid, Terranigma, Panzer Dragoon Saga, Soul Blade, Space Channel 5 Part 2, Rez, Tenchu, Resident Evil 4, Suikoden, Shadowrun (SNES), Super Bomberman, Wario Ware, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past.

3) Most hated games?

I generally avoid war sims and crap gangster racers. I've been quite lucky with avoiding a lot of the dross out there, but I will always regret wasting at least 10 hours of my life waiting for Alundra (RPG, PS) to show some signs of being a good game. I think that was the only game I actually physically destroyed, just to prevent anyone else from playing it.

4) Microsoft, Nintendo or Sony?

I'm a SNES-generation gamer (Zelda III being the game that got me into games), so I'll always have a soft spot for Nintendo. You can chuck an extra 5000 polygons at all the new-generation titles, but all the the layers of realistic explosions and fancy shading effects can't disguise bad or generic games. As a developer, Nintendo seem more committed to making games that are fantastical, innovative and interesting. The directions they've gone with the Wii and the DS is admirable, too. Hell, it's probably just good marketing on their part, but yeah, Nintendo all the way.

5) Have you ever cried at a videogame or Pokemon the first movie? We certainly haven't ever, especially not when other people were in the room.

I've never cried at a videogame, but Richie can tell you all about fake allergies.

6) Is it wrong to fancy videogame characters? If not, do you have any virtual crushes?

I'll admit to being impressed with Leon's RPD uniform in Resident Evil 4, mind you, part of that was pure nostalgia for the good old days of RE2.

7) So you are going to be DJ ing at the up-and-coming Auchinawa (30 November - 3rd December), Will you be dressing up for the occasion?

Oh yes, I'm doing the big one this year: Ulala.

8) Ulala Eh? Wow! Are you up to anything after Auchinawa? Can you leave the boots and head phones on?

No, but I know someone who will...

9) What inspired you to become a cosplaying DJ?

It's been my dream since childhood. Seriously, I enjoy playing funky music and I'm a fan of Ulala, so Auchinawa provided the perfect excuse to be a bit girly and do some dressing up.

10) Can you give us a sneak preview of the tracks you'll be laying down at Auchinawa?

There's a lot from the Japanese cheerleading DS game Osu! Tatakae! Ouendan! OST, the best track out of that is the one I'm listening to right now: Atsuki Kodou No Hate. Expect a fair bit of Space Channel 5, Hellsing, Jet Set Radio and some overly-cute anime theme tunes that I'm contractually obliged to play. There's talk of the gig being podcast, so I'll keep you up to date.

11) I guess you will have to cater for a lot of tastes, what are your personal favourites?

I've been listening to the Hellsing soundtracks a lot recently - there's hardly a bad track on them. I've also got the Super Bomberman 3 and Saturn Bomberman OSTs that are both brilliant examples of traditional video game music. The Panzer Dragoon OSTs are a bit new-agey ambient, but I enjoy them because they remind me of the games, plus it's interesting to track how the music has evovled with each game. Well, interesting for a music geek like me anyway. On the anime side of things again, the One Piece albums are fantastically bloody awesome, just like the series.

12) I recently did a post on Game music and how it can affect the gaming experience, how integral is Music to the gaming experience

Very! Recent example: while playing Killer 7, and I reached a point where I was in a corridor endlessly shooting a re-spawning enemy. I realised that as pointless as the task was, I was really enjoying it because of the fantastic dance music playing in the background. It just fit in perfectly. I remember being completely engrossed by the Tenchu soundtrack, too it was incredibly atmospheric. Then there's games like Silent Hill and Resident Evil where music is used to unnerve players (how dare they play the Nemesis theme when he's not going to appear!). Space Channel 5 and especially Rez are also prime examples of how well music can work in games.

13) Who's best Richie or Cunzy11?

Best at what? I'm sure you balance each other out somehow...

14) You make your own cosplay costumes. Do you reckon you could knock up a Rebecca Chambers outfit for a very tall, slightly beer bellied guy or a Jill Valentine costume for a waif, Scottish layabout? If so how much for materials and labour? Any tips for other would-be cosplayers?

How about Nemesis instead of Rebecca and Alfred / Alexia instead of Jill? Tips? Just go for whoever you want to dress up as, whatever the reason. Oh, and charity shops are the best place for finding clothes to alter if you're not confident with your dressmaking skills.

15) Plug us at Auchinawa?

Only if anyone asks why Ulala is hanging out with Alexia.

Ooo be doo I wanna blog like you hoo hoo- Miss Bea Havin from Playstation Pro Magazine in the 1990's

Worship Me, Worship Me

I'm not the only one, naaa ay ay ay
I'm not the only one, naaa ay ay ay
I'm not the only one, naaa ay ay ay
I'm not the only one.

Linked from Boing Boing, Hellbound Angels, IGN, BBC News, ADJ: TTORK, Terra Nova, We like games, Gamegirl Advance, Joystik Heroes, Jumping Joysticks, Games games games games games games, Crossroads of Dereth Ingelt and West Right Freedom

Hello children of the night. Last night I spilt Tea on meeee /titter*

*I may have been naked

Ooo be doo I wanna blog like you hoo hoo- Kotaku

There are lots and lots of good gaming blogs out there, so, during this dark time of absolutely nothing happening in the world of games. We are going to exercise the best form of flattery by mimicking some of our favourite gaming sites. Today: Kotaku


That Gamestation Ad What's On T'idiot Box

Have you seen it? Have you seen it? Basically, there are two guys; one is playing a FPS, I don't know which one, on their setee (fuck you couch). The guy who isn't playing is eating toast, or something, and making fake guns noises which pisses the gaming guy off, for some reason. Then there's a voiceover that says "annoyed that you are constantly reminded that you could have bought your games cheaper?", which doesn't make sense but I didn't hear the commentry guy properly. Then the first gamer guy is in a room with another guy playing a driving game, I don't know which one, and the first guy is making driving noises and the new guy shouts "Shut up", or something, and it's an advert for Gamestation.

Ok, so it isn't that great and I've only seen it once, but for the first time in my life, it's an advert that depicts guy gamers in their "stereotypical environment". We don't get many game adverts in the UK on telly. If we do they are cringeworthy (see below). Adverts that make you hang your head in shame and exclaim "It's not like that, it's not like that". Hell, even some of the better GMVs would make better adverts than the ones that maarketing depaartments pump out.
Unfortunately, this advert comes at a time where in the high games media (EDGE and ummmm...) and the ever influencial games blogosphere it is out of favor to be a)Male, b)A gamer c)Straight, d)White. In the eyes of contemporary digital 'cultcha', this advert scores 0/4. Too little, too late Gamestation!!! But I love you anyway.

Normally a game advert is either:

6 seconds of FMV with lots of flashing. The box of the game then spins onto the screen which flashes again and the American exciting movie voiceover man says "Ingamestoresnowonlynineninetyninenineninetynine". There are normally at least twelve explosions and two American kids going "Allllllright!" with their mouths open.
Sony's adverts (apart from the original) are nearly always a stillborn baby humping a dirty needle or something else that gets "League of Extraordinary Mothers for Justice against all things Different" to mobilise. I did like the golfers and the ventriloquist ones though.
Nintendo adverts tend to be a bit naff. Par exemple, the current "DS sponsors channel 4 comedy" ones and the animal crossing ones.
Microsoft don't advertise, they don't want anyone to play their consoles or PCs because then they'd have to, like release some more games, and Halo3 isn't ready yet.

Check out this excellent site for some of the terrible, weird and sometimes ok videogame ads from around the world!

Monday, August 21, 2006

Where are they now?

Every self respecting games blog, at one time or another, runs out of ideas and does a hilarious "where are they now" post featuring a videogame character who was in one or two games but hasn't been seen since. They are often lame and it annoys me that no one can come up with something original these days.

In other news we've managed to catch up with videogame legend the Nemesis who has s.t.a.r-red (pun intended!) in Resident Evil 3, Resident Evil 3 (GC), Under the Skin and on the Silver Screen in Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

Cunzy11: So, you were fantastic as the relentless monster stalker in Resident Evil 3. In mario 64, what do you have to collect to progress into new areas?
Nemesis: S.T.A.R.S
Cunzy11: Absolutely. It must have been interesting for you to hook up with Jill and Carlos again for Under the Skin. I imagine it was a lot of fun! What game show am I describing: Musical talent show in which amateur lookalikes and soundalikes impersonate their favourite musical idols. Presented by Matthew Kelly?
Cunzy11: Need a clue? ______ in their eyes.
Nemesis: S.T.A.R.S!
Cunzy11: Sure was. Many gamers complained that the fight with you in the courtyard after you shot down the rescue heliopter was harder than the final fight. Word associtation, Night Sky?
Nemesis: S.T.A.R.S
Cunzy11: No flies on you sir! In the three (four including the Gmecube remake of RE3) roles you have played you must feel slightly typecast. Name a slang word for LSD?
Nemesis: S.T.A.R.S
Cunzy11: You know your stuff. Many gamers were dissapointed with Resident Evil: Apocalypse for a number of reasons including your role in the film. Any.......
Nemesis: Well that was fuck-up. I had a hand in writing my part, which, is kinda cool and also rare in Hollywood. However, when we came to filming Alex, (Witt) completely changed it. I mean it's an insult to me, an insult to Jill, Brad (Vickers), Carlos and worst of all Capcom. The Nemesis! A fucking, sorry, a bloody good guy at heart! Alex said it was because the G-virus was seen as a metaphor for AIDS and that the Zombies personified AIDS sufferers, my turning into a good guy was to show that AIDS victims aren't monsters. That was horse-shit though, he just wanted a happy ending. Not that it's going to end, I've heard the next one doesn't even have zombies. How come the Licker gets to be bad ass in the first film and then I wimp out in the second one. I did fight for the changes to be scrapped but money was tight at the time, what with my eldest off to college this year. It's one of my biggest regrets and I apologise wholeheartedly to the fans.
Cunzy11: Well said. Thanks for your time Nemesis. You can catch him in an upcoming episode of a popular surreal drama set on a desert island and he is due to takeover from Patrick Swayze in the West End production of Guys and Dolls in November. One last thing Nem, can you say it for us? Just once.
Nemesis: Oh I don't know.......
Cunzy11: Please? I told Richie you would.
Nemesis: Oh okay. S.T.A.R.S!
Cunzy11: Still got it pal, still got it. Thank you, goodbye and goodluck in the future!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Brain, My arse

Right so I got a copy of brain academy on the DS and I have played through it done all the practice stuff and I have got an A ranking on the Test thing, but I have realised why all these Brain training games are around £20. There’s no replayability. That’s it you get a medal saying your smart and you have the top rating, I have barely had this 3 weeks and already it’s a cartridge gathering dust. Anyways!

Official that guys review:

The game is shallow and disappointing. Fun for like a couple of weeks, but essentially it’s a glorified Warioware. Get that instead.

4/10. flacid.

Your Guide To Buying A Game

Both Gamers new and old should all be aware of the correct procedure for buying a game from a shop (these were the common places for games purchasing before the internet). Game stores are, in theory, a paradise, a library dedicated to the pure wasting of time playing in made up worlds. However, if you do not adhere to the strict rules you may run into trouble from the Game Police. They will come to your house and delete all your save games and give you a stern talking to.

So, to set the scene you wish to buy Mario Kart DS from your high street venue.

1) Before entering the store it is custom to start sweating. The store is fully modified to help you, the heating will be on max throughout the year and little in the way of ventilation is on offer, however, it helps to start moistening outside. This is to maintain the sweet aroma of boys in the morning in all game stores. Non-compliance and you'll be seeing the gaming police.

2) You wander over to the DS section. If you see a girl in the store on the way, run. Run out as fast as you can, clearly unnatural forces are at work. If not, then peruse the DS section. By this time you should be literally sweating buckets, so much so, that you can smell your own aroma. You know that if you can smell it, then others certainly can.
ALAS! Mario Kart DS isn't there! That is because it's probably a GAME store and despite the fact the MKDS scored at least 90% in every magazine the wise "powers that be" at GAME think you should be playing the much underrated X:Men: The Official Game and Over The Hedge: The Official Game. At this point you'll be fuming! One of the greatest game series of all time! A top DS game and you can't even find one in the biggest GAME in the country!!!! Start to combat your rage by sweating more and then leave the store. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES approach the counter and ask. The staff will (pretend to? or though, maybe not) deny all knowledge of the game you desire and start shouting across the store, allowing your gaming preference to be judged by other gamers: "Leanne? Leanne? This guy's looking for (snigger) Mario Kart DS?". The bunch of chavs, who are trying to sell a stolen copy of an imported Madden '05 for more than the overly-generous £2 they are being offered, will start to laugh at your choice of game and call you Gay, or worse!. They may even stab you later. The girl who you didn't see will put down the game she had in her hand and leave. It could have been a wonderful relationship but your, by now tidal waves of perspiration, have driven her off. You should have left whilst you had your dignitiy left.
Oh god! Why is it so hard?
3) A new store, this time one that sells games, music and DVDs. By now your sweat may have dried and left salt stains; time to get your sweat on again! You go over to the DS section and after some intense sweating and searching you find a copy of MKDS hidden behind 40 copies of Brain Training. You grab it in your sweaty mitts and look to the cashier desk. BAD LUCK there are people queuing and due to your non gaming-only shop location, some of them are girls and non-gaming guys. If they found out about your dirty habit they will point and laught you whilst you curl into the foetal position and rock backwards and forwards in shame as they buy Ibiza Chillout 3 Summer Soundz remixed by MC Brilloinnit and DJ Mark Mark Mark McMarkison.

4) The store eventually gets quiet and no-one is queuing at the till desk. You saunter up to the till; a trail of sweat drops follows you. You plant the case on the desk and the female cashier rolls her eyes at you. She turns around to find the cartridge and book in the big drawer of games whilst chatting and laughing at you with her co-worker. She comes back to the desk and rolls her eyes at the sight of your light green-now dark green sweat drenched 1-Up t-shirt. HORROR OF HORRORS! She's picked up Mario Kart Advance instead. It takes all your strength to inform her that she got it wrong. By this time there is a puddle on the floor, a queue building and the till girl is fucking livid with you. How dare you tell her how to do her job! She turns around, opens the drawer for 2 seconds, closes it and then tells you she can't find it. You begin to get angry and upset, not to mention a bit sweatier. Your shirt is now so supersaturated that the sweat flows over the fabric like a waterfall, splashing as it hits the shiny black floor. Four hours, three cashiers, a manager and a queue of tutting 20-somethings that look like they've just come out of a vogue lifestyle shoot later, you swim out of the store and onto the bus home.

4) Despite the fact you have your DS with you UNDER ABSOLUTELY NO CIRCUMSTANCES start playing on the bus. Firstly, chavs will probably stab you and steal it wasting literally hours of sweat and tears. Secondly, by exposing your gaming lifestyle in the most public of places, you ruin any chances of finding a partner, job or house in your local area. Instead you have to fish into the bag, undo the cellophane with one hand, pop open the case and slide out the book. You will probably either tear or permanently fold one of the corners but such is the price to pay for being a gamer. Then very carefully, making sure that no one else on the bus, or outside, can see what you are reading peruse the book imagining the fantastic world you are about to enter. Eventually, you reach your stop; your shirt is now rigid with the salt of your own sweat. You are finding it hard to discriminate between your trousers, underwear and bottom, such is the melding power of the gallons of bodily liquids that have pooled in your crack. But at last you are home.

This is the life of the gamer, and although you’ve led a double life at least you can say, I have lived.

Inspired by Fizgig over at Women Gamers

Cocmputer Games 0 Playing Outdoors 1

I was in WHSmiths in Waterloo Station on Saturday, I won't bother you with why, and I spotted one of the local newspapers with the same headline as the title of this post. Turns out, the newspaper surveyed some of the Thames yoofs and they said they preferred playing outdoors to playing video games.

Firstly, the survey is a bit pointless because, through no fault of their own, children are essentially stupid small adults. I imagine that most children would prefer to spin around in circles until they threw up rather than go to school. I reckon they would also prefer to play videogames than eat vegetables too. For some reason these surveys (I know they are out there) never seem to make the headlines.

Secondly, no fucking shit! I'd prefer to play outdoors if I couldn't play games like Resident Evil 4 or GTA: San Andreas because of the ratings. Also, I'd go further than playing outdoors, if I was stuck with playing shitty multiformat pixar/disney/other CGI film maker tie-ins like Ant-Bully, Sponge Bob: Pants of the Sea Bottom Fart, Ice Age 2 or "Carz". Seriously.
Badz Maru and Kitty TooActually, saying that, I loved Lego Star Wars, Finding Nemo and Hello Kitty Roller Rescue but still. When are marketing companies going to realise that "the kidz" are much better at computer games than retards in suits charged with merchandising a film/fad license. They can handle combinations of 16 different buttons.

So play outside children (don't talk to strangers though), then all the rubbish film tie in "kidz" games will stop getting made, then GAME will be fucked because they don't seem to stock anything else these days, then Nintendo might start getting some Gamecube games back into high street stores, then the world will be a better place again.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Inspiration, hit me now. please.

Cunt vagina vaginal wnaky wnak gay ghey penis cock cocker queer Jill sandwich self-gay homophobe twat prick pish poof misty annelid cybaar faecal abortion tits breast mammaries marvin wicky-wa Barry koffing lvl60.

Look it might not be that shit

Friday, August 11, 2006

Yeah Yeah, thumb, this...

Well Well Well! Looks like thumbbandits decided to take my Claire post and make it rubbish.

P.S. Does anyone else find this picture arousing? I mean she has no top on, and is holding the joystick in a rather provocative area.

Oh shit. This is actually happening



Ray Cortana and Hugh V. Brown

An American high school of the future. Flying cars drop children off at school. Some of the children arrive by jetpack. The children are wearing androgynous silver boiler suits. Some of the children are playing sports in the background with “virtual” equipment. All of the buildings are covered in white plastic. A futuristic alarm sounds and the children run to class


Children enter the class room. LEON, a tall boy, sits down at his desk whilst chatting to SHARONA. MR. FREEMAN enters the classroom slamming the door behind him. The children go quiet. MR.FREEMAN writes “Digital culture 101” on the Holoboard using a futuristic Wii controller. He then writes “Resident Evil” and underlines it.

Okay, who can tell me about Resident Evil?
LEON looks hesitant and raises his hand
Leon. Please enlighten your classmates
Resident Evil was a series of videogames released in the latter part of last century. This was before the antiviolence in media laws were passed. The games were low quality and ….
You kids today have no idea! To illeviate this glut of ignorance you have a new assignment for this week on top of your other work....
The class groans
This week's assignment is to write an essay, the title will be "that guy’s a maniac why’d he bite me?"
MR.FREEMAN writes “That guy’s a maniac why’d he bite me?” on the holoboard
I want you to find out everything you can about the "low quality" Resident Evil series, there will be a test tomorrow. And I mean everything people!

LEON, SHARONA and other children gather outside the classroom. A boy flies past wearing hover boots.

This assignment’s such a crock.
I think it’s kinda cool. My dad is always going on about the 20th century videogame revolution...
It’s a crock! Mr. Freeman is always setting us stupid essays on all these old games. They’re not even immersive 3D.
I’m going to get some lunch you coming?
No. I’m going to the library start this stupid assignement.
Okay. Catch you later

A futuristic school library. There are no books, only holographic work stations. LEON enters the library and walks into on of the holographic work stations. He removes a futuristic Wii controller from his bag and opens up a holo window. He types “Resident Evil” onto the holoscreen with a number of quick wrist movements. He then scrolls down a list and looks unimpressed. He pauses, sighs and then types in “That Guy’s a maniac why’d he bite me?” into the holoscreen. Fewer results come up. LEON still looks unimpressed and starts to scroll down he clicks on a file which is an exact match. The camera focuses on LEON’s face through the holoscreen, the black background of can clearly be seen in the foreground. LEON scrolls down the page. The camera focuses on his face. As he reads, his lip starts to quiver and his eye starts to twitch. A look of disgust begins to cover his face. The camera then zooms into the “T” from the title of the page he is looking at

The scene opens with the same image as PART 4 ended. The camera zooms out to show that we are no longer in the future but in a generic office in 2006. CUNZY11 is staring at a lap top screen, clearly deep in thought. He then types some words on the keyboard and sits back. After a pause he smile. He pulls out his cellphone and dials a number. He puts the cellphone up to his ear.

RICHIE can be heard on the other end of the line
Alright dude!
CUNZY11 Trys to speak quietly as not to alert his coworkers
Hey, we’re on google
Really? Where?
CUNZY11 smiles wider
Yeah, just type in faecal abortion


Thursday, August 10, 2006

Stupid fucking images

Broken all broken. I'll fix it soon though so don't worry. Can you believe it?
On the upside though you can see all the alt text. As a really boring game you can guess what the images were from the text and see if you were right when it gets fixed!
P.S. Don't forget to delete me when you are done.

That Guy's A Maniac- Women Gamers Magazine?

Fed up of the male-centric glut of gaming magazines featuring scantily clad women draped over the hood of an Xbox 360, That Guy's are launching a girl gaming magazine to cater for women who play video games and are proud of it. The first edition of the magazine, called Pads (working title), should be out Q4 this year. Here is a sneak preview of one of our articles:

Are you and your non-gaming boyfriend compatible?

Answer the following questions noting your answer then add up the points to find out if you and your non-gaming boyfriend/girlfriend are compatible:

1) You settle in for an evenings session on Burnout (your "clan" came over at the weekend and busted some of your top scores) and your boyfriend unexpectedly comes home early from working a late shift. You offer to turn the Playstation off, but he says he doesn't mind, he's tired anyway. Does he then:
a. Sit with you asking questions about the game
b. Sit down for five minutes huffing and puffing before anouncing he is going to bed
c. Asks if it's hard to control and then if you can both play co-op

2) You like to hang around in gaming tees and jeans most days. After a while your boyfriend suggests it would be nice if you wore a skirt or dress occasionally. Do you:
a. Tell him that this is the zero's and point out that you do have such wear for formal occassions and special evenings, hinting that just because you've reached the comfort zone of your relationship it would still be nice to be taken out for a date every now and then.
b. Go mad! Some of the things he leaves the house wearing are crimes against fashion. You haven't told him because you reckoned it would be a bit insensitive and insulting. Is this yet another dig at your gaming lifestyle?
c. You take it as a compliment, realising that some of your skirts have got dust on them through underuse. You start wearing skirts more and get plenty more compliments from him!

3) The first time you go out with his friends, you are naturally a bit nervous. Over drinks you find out that one of his best friends is also a gamer. You spend a large chunk of the evening discussing which Final Fantasy is the best with his friend. Does he:
a. Humiliate you and his friend by "harmlessly" implying that playing computer games is for stoners and children.
b. Mention when you get home that he thinks its' cool that the stress one can be under when meeting your partner's best friends, was relieved somewhat by you having something in common with his friend.
c. Make nothing of it and carries on having a good time with his mates and you.

4) Its late on a Friday night and you've both had a busy day. He says that he is "tired" and makes suggestive remarks before going off to bed. You are feeling exhausted and a bit dirty and not in the mood for nookie. Do you:
a. Put Beyond Good and Evil on, but before you realise it's 4 in the morning. You go to bed feeling bad that you could of at least snuggled up in bed and had a decent night's sleep.
b. Explain that you're just not in the mood really, you stay up for half an hour playin BG&E then go to bed and snuggle up to him in a nice warm bed!
c. Realise that you don't have to go to work tomorrow so you hop into the shower and have a lovely evening under the sheets. You realise that having "quality time" together has recently become increasingly rarer and you both resolve to spend more time with each other at the weekends.

5) He catches you playing Nintendogs on your DS lite and after making a humurous quip he seems to be quite interested. Do you:
a. Get him to have a go showing off the bubble blower and the touchscreen. God bless Nintendo! for making games that are instantly accessible for the non-gaming inclined.
b. Mention than it's a lot cleaner and cheaper than a real dog, so count himself lucky!
c. Go into a lengthy tirade about how gaming has brilliant potential citing special projects in Second Life, the use of games in education and the military and how Advent Children is really important in getting computer games in to the minds of the masses.

6) One of the few games he will play without too much coersion by yourself is Eyetoy Play. However, you have arranged for a gaming night in with some gaming friends. When you mention it to him does he:
a. Join in and insist on being on your team. Its great that he isn't threatened or embarassed to take part.
b. Suddenly remembered he had organised to go out that weekend for a ummm stag do, even though you can't recollect him mentioning it before.
c. Stay around but refuse to join in even when everyone else is making a tit out of themselves.

7) Your ex-boyfriend turns up to copy all of his save games from your memory cards to his. The split was amicable but it still feels a bit akward. He suggests one last match on Soul Caliber 3. Your boyfriend walks in whilst you are both laughing about some of the games sessions you used to have. Your boyfriend:
a. Takes it well, but is understandably suprised. After your ex leaves he asks you a few questions but nothing too probing or insulting.
b. Seems pleased to meet your ex and can clearly see that you are friends and nothing more. He just counts himself lucky that you are the one with him and even suggests inviting your ex out for drinks in the future. You politley decline of course, but it's a nice gesture.
c. Is mean to your ex and accuses you of scheming and implies infidelity. He's clearly jealous that you and your ex have something in common that you and him do not. You have a bit of a bust up and it seems to be a sticking point for a number of months afterwards.

8) He finds out about your guild marriage on WoW. You explain what a guild marriage is and that it doesn't neccessarily imply cyber sex, its more about giving the guild a family atmosphere. He is still visibly upset. You then both:
a. Have a blazing barney. You point out that his insuations show exactly how much he trusts you and that at worst its no more than harmless flirting. He says that you shouldn't need to flirt and then that you spend too much time on WoW anyway.....
b. You don't want to risk your relationship for a game so you inform your guild husband that its perhaps for the best if you "split up". You'll still be in the guild and you'll still talk but you won't be married anymore.
c. You show him exactly what happens, the chat logs and your guild home page. He still doesn't seem 100% convinced but he has come round somewhat.

9) You meet his ex-girlfriend at a mutual friends' party. Whilst you are standing around chatting his best friend, who you got on well with (see Q3), turns up and comes over to talk to you about Tomb Raider Legend, within earshot of your boyfriends' ex. Do you:
a. Quickly whisk your friend into the other room and apologise but you are feeling kind of vulnerable in the presence of his ex. You then exchange thoughts on Lara's latest venture.
b. Blank him as much as you can, whilst rolling your eyes and shrugging. You don't want your boyfriends ex to have some leverage over you.
c. Engage with him thanking the heavens that the abomination that was Angel of Darkness has been successfully avenged. You get enough stick for being a women gamer anyway without alienating people who accept that its' part of who you are anyway.

10) Your boyfriend is sat in front of the TV, channel surfing and lamenting on how shite television is, he mentions that he might go out. You polite ask if you can play Halo 2, in that case, but he refuses. This annoys you because you quite happily yield up the glorious big screen for cricket/football matches. Do you:
a. Mentally store this information for the next time the cricket is on TV and start playing final fantasy VII about an hour or so beforehand. It'll probably start an argument but if would help him to see the inherent injustice in the system.
b. Nevermind its not that big a deal you've got your DS anyway.
c. Make a stand, you can't have one rule for one and another rule for another!

1 a=1 b=0 c=2, 2 a=2 b=0 c=1, 3 a=0 b=2 c=1, 4 a=0 b=1 c=3, 5 a=2 b=1 c=0, 6 a=2 b=0 c=1 7 a=1 b=2 c=0, 8 a=0 b=2 c=1, 9 a=1 b=0 c=2, 10 a=2 b=1 c=0
How did you do?
0-7 points Might be an issue. You understand that you both have different things you like to do but you seem unwilling to give up some of your game time. You can't play as much as those heady days down the arcades and on the megadrive but he could be a bit more sympathetic to you as well, leaving out derogatory comments when tempers are frayed. The relationship isn't doomed but unless both people in the relationship start making concessions your gaming may start to come up in every argument you have.

8-14 points Nice Job! In most instances your gaming hobby doesn't stand in the way of you both getting the most out of your relationship. You understand that he just doesn't get what draws you into these virtual worlds but that he is happy to accomodate just as you are to his interests.

15-20 points Max compatability! Both of you realise and enjoy your differences, whilst not being adverse to joining in each others hobbies. He seems to acknowledge that gaming is a part of your life and you acknowledge that when your life flashes before your eyes you want more than just images of Final Fantasy menu screens and FMV.

Ha Ha! Charade you are..

Dear Mr Capcom,

I am writing to inform you of a major error that I think your publishing department may have missed. Resident Evil 4 has been inappropriately named as it, indeed is not the fourth in the series. Without counting any of the gun survivor or Outbreak games there has been 6 major Resident Evil games. So for the sake of continuity we at would like you to arrange the games in the following manner:

Resident Evil Zero. Resident Evil 0
Resident Evil. Resident Evil.
Resident Evil 2. Resident Evil 2.
RE: Code Veronica . Resident Evil 3.
RE 3: Nemesis Resident Evil 4.
Resident evil 4. Resident Evil 5.

We would appreciate a worldwide recalling of all games/cartridges and re issuing of the games in a correct manner,

Nooch n’ Hugs,

That Guys

P.S. Itchy, Tasty...

P.P.S Do Resident Evil outbreak on the DS this time properly with the online working

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Wait, Listen

A lot of people regard music in games quite highly. Personally I think that recently Music has gone downhill in games I know for a fact that I’m bored shitless with the WoW music, and the only good track in Oblivion is the opening track. You would think if games like these are willing to fork out for a fully orchestrated score they might as well get a decent fucking composer in!

Now I’m sure we are all well versed with the classic theme tunes that stick in our head Mario, Sonic, Bubble Bobble, oh god Tetris. But what was the last epic score you heard on a game that you loved? That’s right Final fantasy VII, VIII IX and X. All done by a fucking awesome composer Nobuo Uematsu. But of course that’s all changed now FFXII does not have him as the composer. So what I’m pondering is will the game be just as good, does music have a factor with the gaming experience, or is it tacked on to fill the silence.

When it comes to PC gaming thankfully we get the option to mute the sound and run MP3s in the background, and I’m sure we have our own particular playlist we love to play games to. I have fond memories of playing Resi 1 whils listening to Prodigy – Breathe (Breathe the pressure, come play the game I’ll test ya)

Anyways when it comes to Games soundtacks here is my personal favourites:

Silent Hill 1 to 4
Resident Evil (but just the save room music)
Final fantasy (Check out “The black mages” if you can)
Kingdom Hearts (Can’t beat a bit of Disney Pish)

I am also Acquainted with a DJ, KaiserTia, specialising in Game sound tracks who will be DJing at the next Auchinawa in Glasgow. I will post a big ol list of her personal favourites from the Anime/Video game genres.

Game Music Videos- Reviews

Hey y'all! As we are told by Microsoft that gaming is a lifestyle and not just sitting on your ass all day pretending you are a woman charged with the grand task of saving the universe by collecting rings/coins/pearls/gems or whatever. As such, I like to spend my non-gaming time talking about gaming, writing about gaming, listening to game theme tunes on my ipod with Dante stickers on it, reading about games or playing "house" with Vincent Valentine and Aeris (not Aerith) action figures. When I'm not doing that, I download GMVs, formerly lumped with AMVs until evanescence and the Naruto guys sued AMVs for over use of their IP. There are some monumentally shit ones out there, but here are some of my favourites. Why I am I reviewing them If I've already stated they are my favourites? Because I hate some of them but that's why I love them.

"I'm An Asshole" - Halo Music Video with Denis Leary
This imaginitively titled GMV is actually very good. The song, which is great in itself, and the visuals from the game go well together both.... um visually and thematically if you know the game at all. Particular highlights are the A-S-S-H-O-L-E spelt in bullet holes, the grenades on the back of friendly NPC's and some nice lip sync work considering the nature of the source material. The lack of fourteen hours of credits thanking zillions of people with very emo sounding names is refreshing.
8 Bit Heroes GMV By Spencer
I like this GMV a lot because it reminds me of when Nintendo was nearly extinct. Some excellent music/visual coordination too, considering that the whole thing has been spliced together using IGN videos
AMV ó GMV Yuna´s Hung Up Hellsing Inc.
This may or may not be credited to the right people but I can't read spanish. This shortish GMV is quite good with some nice transitions matched in the video and music. Also nice, is the fact they have used a 'popular' recent song which the GMV community get very angry about. Especially with the precious FF FMVs. It kind of messes up at the end and I don't know if that was intentional. The wanky "drawn in paint credit" at the end also lets it down a bit.
Everyone in WoW has Aids
Not so much a GMV but a nice tune coupled with some oddly sized screenshots make this "songumentry" tracking the plight of the WoW plague a must see for most.
Gay! Why do I even have this link? Pokemon are for children like 5 years ago it doesn't even have any visuals from the game!
Stirling work Kirbutashi. This GMV does exactly what it says on the tin. This GMV is very powerful and a bit gross. I'm also appreciating the soundtrack of the end credits. If you haven't played Resident Evil 4 then you won't know that Ashley gets the G-virus and dies in the end. The GMVis a bit short though, which isn't really a complaint given the nature of the GMV.
WoW Numa Numa Dance
Fuck off.
I love the Speed Demo Archive guys and gals. They put themselves through so much hardship to pull off amazing virtual feats and inevitably ruin the games for themselves by never wanting to touch them again. They have a really nice community atmosphere as well. A bit of history about this video, the people over at SDA decided to have a go putting together teaser trailers to sum up what they do. This was one of the earlier entries but, to me as an outsider, it is the best. It really captures the atmosphere and mission statement. There were some complaints that many of the sequences used were only from the "popular games" but bollocks to that. Good music, great videos, good coordination of music and video.
I like this video a lot but what impresses me the most is the technical acheivement. To get fucking lip syncing from Super Smash Brothers Melee is an amazing acheivement! The sequences are lovely fitting the lyrics almost perfectly. I can only imagine the man-hours put into this production but fully worth it. The end sequence with all the characters blows my mind I don't even want to think how they did it. Looks like Hero Pictures have a lot of fun playing games together too which means BONUS FRICKIN STARS!
The title of this GMV, sponsored by Game Vidz, shouldn't put you off. I've seen more than my fair share of "L337 Halo videos" and most of them follow the exploits of a camper or two. Impressive gameplay vids and some nice music-vid coordination. Bit long.
Final Fantasy Infinity Joseph M.Orellano
Okay, there are literally millions and millions of these videos. FFX FMV?-Check. FFX-2 When the Yuna and Tidus but not Yuna and Tidus get shot FMV?-Check. Song that emo kids slit each others wrists to at balls and other dancing events?-Check. However, if you only watch this one and ignore the other ones it is quite good I will concede. HOWEVER -ve points for the overly long a bit cheesy credits.
There are some excellent ones out there but they aren't on the instant video sites yet and I'll be fucked if I'm directing people to download various bits and pieces and signing up to filefront or something because I know that if I can't see something right now I'm not going to bother. Your loss AMV makers. I'll try to upload them or something later and review them not that you need to know any of this.
NB Credits may not be given because anyone can put a fucking song over the intro to FFX. Naruto+Other shitty Anime AMVs do not count because they are stupid and YouTube, Google Video and Anime Music Videos are inundated with these inane niche market videos set to Slipknot. Anything with a nu metal soundtrack doesn't count, if the premise of making a GMV isn't sad enough in the first place, using a shitty noisy ""tragic""" soundtrack to boot is worse. Second Life videos don't count either because they are all about Mimes or Wheelchair people flying around, the camera is always jerky, the avatars glitchy and the music is normally Moby slowed down so that 40 year old San Fransiscians can understand the words.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Player 1 principle

I'm sure someone has written something about this somewhere else but hey! Who cares about them. Now, as much as everyone laments about online etiquette or lack thereof, there is also such a thing as offline etiquette. I don't mean treating NPCs nicely or anything, jeees that would be terrible. But this issue recently came to light when my good buddy and old skool CatchtheMonkeyandOtherGames B69 member, Robisgay and his lovely girlfriend moved into my house. You see, he plays games which is great but also terrible because the rules of offline etiquette don't tend to cover such situations very well.

Let me explain: When playing multiplayer games, regardless of skill level or experience, your gaming chi is directly affected by which player you are.

Player 1 Player 1 has excellent gaming chi, master of the menu screens and ideally placed in the top left corner of the screen in split screen games and on the left, from the start of the round, in beat 'em ups. Even in games without split screens (Mashed, Micro Machines) player 1's points are in the top left which allows quick reference mid game. So, with such good gaming chi player 1 is the position everybody wants but there are some important ground rules! If the gaming session is at a person's house on that person's console that person is entitled, absolutely, no questions asked to be player 1. This can be particularly frustrating when playing games that player 1 has never played before and doesn't know how to menu juggle. Also the rules are sketchy on what happens when two players are living in the same house and they both have the same console, when players in the same house jointly own a console, when one player has previously broken another player's console and has agreed to share their console with them until it is fixed or when someone brings a console to a normally non-consoled house. This could be decided by who owns the specific console who's game is being played or even who has the save game on their memory card to decide who gets the illustrious position of player 1. The lesson is if you think you may have a chance then challenge! The gaming gods will reward you with extra chi.

Player 2 For as long as there have been computer games player 1 and player 2 have always competed, even in cooperative games competition for high scores or medikits can turn into epic one upmanship. Player 2 has some good chi going on. Decent screen/points postition. However, the mere artefact that player 2 is called player 2 means that player 2 is out to prove that skill ain't about a stupid number. The gaming gods of vengeance smile on Player 2. Player 2 is often the leader of a team in team vs matches, albeit normally player 4.

Player 3 The Dark Horse. Player 3, whilst not ideally placed is still in a solid spot when it comes to points and split screen positions. Quite often Player 3 can beat player 1 and player 2 whilst they fued with each other because it's harder to read player 3's screen. Also, some games decided to give player 3 and player 4 a fighting chance by introducing the any player can press the "last screen or back" button whilst menu juggling ability (thanks EA). Although this gives no in-game advantage it can undermine Player 1's menu master authority. Player 3 has a lot to prove and quite often will be a good player but in the Player 3 position merely because player 1 and player 2 are cohabitors or lovers even (Note to boyfriend/girlfriend players if you do not give your partner the position of P2 to your P1 it is a clear sign you do not love them, like the door thing in Carlito's Way for the gamer generation).
Believe it or not this isn't a PC pad (which are by and large retarded looking) this is a Gamecube pad?
Player 4 Oh dear. Poor player 4. Typically player 4 has to use the gaypad, you know the MADKATZ or Joytech one with a 'turbo' button that came free with a bundle or magazine subscription. Maybe an official one that works except the top of the analog stick tends to slip around forcing a few errors per match or the shoulder button is occasionally wedged in by the dried remains of a semi digested mars bar, courtesy of a small child. The joypad that no one would choose if they had a choice but beggars can't be choosers. If you find that you are player 4 then clearly you are not in good company. Player 4 is the position that you used to reserve for younger siblings or the smelly kid from downt' road when you were younger, and drug dealers when you were older. Player 4's screen is also in an akward position. Negative gaming chi for P4. However, as everyone assumes that player 4 will not do well no one bothers to watch your screen. Use this to your advantage by spawn camping, backstabbing and sniping. It takes a dark character to flourish as player 4 but it is not impossible.

So as you can see as the newcomer in the house playing on my console regardless of the fact that it is your game and your memory card the rules which I have just written would seem to lean on the side that I should be Player 1 without explicitly saying so Robisgay! new home

Yeah so for the past week or so you may have noticed that That guys has been in a state of flux. Well we have it sorted now and up and running!

Sorry to all of those loyal fans who have missed their That guys fix.


All the other homes That Guys has had:


Friday, August 04, 2006

Nuuuuuuude Patch

For all you women WoWers this is what a penis looks like
As if there weren't enough tits and cunts in WoW already.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I have the key right here officer but I'm not about to leave this cell...

Oh shit! For anyone who is interested in games and on the internet you have probably by now learned that E3 is getting downgraded or something. Well paint me yellow and call me supersonic if I'm not over the fucking moon about it!

As much as I love to download shaky-cam videos of fat Americans saying "So like so like so like totally awesome" (we don't have the proper internet in Britain so we have to save everything to VHS) I couldn't give a monkeys about E3. Here are this years highlights as I have observed them...

1) Reggie Sans Amie telling everyone how to play a fucking Zelda game. Oh really, the big button? Mental.

2) Over 200 hours of FMV sequences for sequels to popular games giving absolutely no insight into what the actual game may look like or how it plays.

3) More Sony lies, but the new Motorstorm video was pretty amazing. Not since MGS on the playstation has terrain been so realistially modelled in real time! Those footprints in the snow were awesome.

4) Dead Rising

5) The Wii promotional video re-cut and played over and over again whilst Reggie-Wins-Annie says "Playing is believing" in the most annoying accent ever.

Then in the 2-8 months after E3 every magazine, website and eventually the (shudder) blogs do an E3 round up. It seems to be a competition for who can say the most on the game that had the least exposure. Here's what I would like to see from the shorter E3 this year...

E3 2007 Schedule
10am-11am Nintendo announces "Nintendo map of world had a coffee stain in the middle. Recent cleaning shows Europe. Europe finally properly located and assessed as a viable market for products". Whole back catalogue given to europe in special Nintendo stores so that GAME can't fuck everyone by only selling Cars and Sponge Bob games. Americans laugh for a bit too long because Europe sounds a bit like "syrup".
11am-12pm Sony says fuck PS3 we don't know what we are doing really. Hang on to your PS2s we going to learn how to do that properly before releasing another console that will be broken for the first two years of it's life anyway.

12pm-1pm Lunch including tuna paste sandwiches cut into sonic-head shapes and those weird final fantasy drinks.

1pm-1.30pm Sonic Team publicly executed. Members who worked on Sonic Rush to go painlessly.

1.30pm-1.35pm Peter Molyneux says "screw doing wanky titles they all suck in terms of sales & gameplay and are pretty boring. I'm going to do a next gen Colony Wars "borrowing" ideas from Grand Theft Auto for the non-ship based part of the game". Will Wright says "Spore is pretty boring actually. Novelty wears off after 4 days of playing plus the video was a fake all along".

1.35pm-3pm Americans taught how to say Massively Multiplayer without sounding completely retarded.

3pm-3.30pm Blizzard announces PvP everywhere in WoW. It's time to start fighting instead of bitching about our latest patches and nerfs. Anyone caught not fighting to be banned for up to 6 months. Blizzard also 'fesses up to Starcraft Ghost never actually coming out. It was an April Fools joke that got a bit out of hand.

3.30pm-4pm Hollywood bans all game-movie and movie-game tie-ins except the made up James Bond ones which don't really count. EA dies a bit inside.

Yo Reggie funk the house funk it funk it funk it4pm-5pm Shigeru Miyamoto does a jig on stage while Reggie wears a fez and spins the wheels. "Yo Reggie funk that party".

Evening Session 5pm-November Hideo Kojima shows the new Metal Gear Solid video with extended dialogue this time between snake and a camouflaged wall. The action part of the video and the ape escape monkey section starts at about 5 minutes to November for those who don't want to sit through months of really fucking boring and a bit nonsensical dialogue which they'll have to sit through anyway when they play it on the PS2.

Three Months after that Microsoft turn up and realise that a)They were too late and b)No one really noticed.

Oh dear! 2

6Gun 2 - Developer - BattleBorne Entertainment Ahahahahahahaha
Avalon - Developer - Climax Studios Ahahahhahhah
Dark Sector - Developer - Digital Extreme Ahhhhahahahahahahaha
The Darkness - Developer - Starbreeze Studios Ahahahahahahahahaha
Devil May Cry 4 - Developer - Capcom Aha. What? Seriously........
EA Sports Fight Night Round 3 - Developer - EA Chicago Ahahahahaha
Eyedentify - Developer - TBA Ahahahahahaha
Fifth Phantom Saga - Developer - Sonic Team Ahahahahaha
Final Fantasy PS3 - Developer - Square Enix Ah. What? No way. LIES Sony LIES
Formula One PS3 - Developer - Developer - SCE Studios
Liverpool Ahahahahahahahahaha
The Getaway PS3 - Developer - SCE Studios Soho Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaahahahahahahahahahahah
Heavenly Sword - Developer - Ninja Theory WOOT!!

I-8 - Developer - Insomniac Games Ahahahahahahahah
Infraworld - Developer - Quantic Dream Ahahahaahahhahahha
Killing Day - Developer - TBA Ahhahaahahahahahahaha
Killzone PS3 - Developer - Guerilla Games AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA
Metal Gear Solid 4 - Developer - Kojima Productions LIES
Mobile Suit Gundam - Developer - TBA AHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
MotorStorm - Developer - Evolution Studios AHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Ni-Oh - Developer - KOEI Meh
Omikron 2 - Developer - Quantic Dream Meh
Possession - Developer - Blitz Games MEh
Project Delta - Developer - Playlogic International AHAHHAAHHAHAA
ShadowClan - Developer - Tiger Hill Entertainment AHAHAHHAHHHAHAHA
Tekken PS3 - Developer - Namco AHAHAHAHAHAHA
Vision GT - Developer - Polyphony Digital AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
Warhawk PS3 - Developer - Incognito Entertainment AHHHAHHHHHAAHAHAHA

Dear Fucking Sony


Seriously considering Xbox 360

Update - PS3 European Launch Titles
Resistance - Fall of Man, Warhawk, MotorStorm, Ridge Racer 7, Flow, Fatal Inertia, Full Auto 2 - Battlelines, Bladestorm, Sonic the Hedgehog, Marvel - Ultimate Alliance, Call of Duty 3, Tom Clancy's RainbowSix - Vegas, Need for Speed - Carbon, John Woo PresentsStranglehold.
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahh ah hah a ha ha

Update Update - Xbox 360 European August Releases

End of List

I love next gen.

OhMiBod - Really?

It's weird how you find all these products Richie?Yet another weird sextoy add-on for the iPod. Is there really a market for this type of thing? Does timing of music really make a difference? Do Apple endorse this sort of thing? Do we have a female That Guys reader to review this? Do we have a female That Guys reader?


I had a thought... If Lily Allen bought this and listened to herself whilst using it is that not like Self-Gay-Cybaaa Version 2.o? Either that or she can go fuck herself.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Technically Speaking

We love video games (or computer games as they are known). Be they epic sprawling adventures such as Ed Federmeyer's Haunted Maze or pick up and play wonders such as World of Warcraft. The hardware developers sometimes go out of their way to enable us to play all our old favourites on the newest generation so we don't have to own all the previous generations in order to pwn some classics. OR do they? Let's take a look at how Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo regularly shaft gamers for more cash.

Sony is hard to keep track of, especially with the PS3 lies which, have been covered here and elsewhere. Nonetheless, here are some golden oldies...

PS1 Games- You can play all your PS1 games on the PS2, which is great but you do have to use your old Playstation1 Memory Cards in order to save games, which, are rapidly becoming an E-bay acquisition.

Multitaps. Sony stiffed everyone when the other two ports for controllers magically dissappeared from the PS2 a similar thing seems to be happening with the PS3. You cannot play playstation 2 multitap games on a slimline PS2, it is IMPOSSIBLE! LIES see update update. A number of times the staff at GAME reassure us that you can but alas you can't with the PS2 multitap it is too big. There were rumours of an adaptor or yet another multitap but I have never seen one. Also, to play playstation1 multiplayer games on a PS2 you have to have a PS1 multitap handy which, fortunately does work on a slimline PS2 but are getting increasingly hard to buy.

Light Guns. I'm not to sure on this but does the Predator Light Gun or the old G-Cons work on a PS2? Do the new G-cons work on old G-con games? Chuff_72 says yes sometimes but I'd like to know for sure.

Blue PS2 Discs- Don't work on some newer PS2s.

PS2. Quadbee has had 4 different PS2s, Dr.Wo.69 has gone through a couple. They are just fundamentally broken (or were). Has anyone heard of problems with the slimline?

Link Up games. Command and Conquer, Destruction Derby, Doom, Descent 2 and Timesplitters 2 were all link up games that would dominate whole weeks of play. BUT the newest playstation 2s (newer than original PS2 but older than slimline) lost the PS2 link cable port so to play 8 player TS2 you need two old playstation 2 (old non-slimline PS2) and a PS2 link cable. To play the PS1 link up games I think you need two playstation 1s and the PS1 link cable. Also it seemed that all game developers ditched link up play after a while. I haven't tried but I imagine finding a PS2 link cable now will be tricky.

Online Play and the PSP. Ha ha ha ha ha.................

Highlights It's not all bad news and sometimes developers go out of their way to reward loyalty. E.g if you complete Devil May Cry 3 and load up Devil May Cry with the memory card with the DMC3 save game in you get the pendant from 3 in your inventory. CLEVER AND OBSCURE like a comic book.

One of the reasons I like nintendo was because of the cross-format interconnectivity as well as backwards compatability. But there have been an amount of naughtiness almost on a par with Sony.

GBA link cable. Maybe this will change with the Wii but you can't access the GBA bits on Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles, Windwaker, Animal Crossing or Pokemon Colloseum using a DS. The handheld end doesn't fit in the DS. I don't know about the game boy micro either but I'm guessing not?

Gameboy/N64 Attachments. There were a glut of these and about 25 managed to reach European shores. For example the wireless attachment that shipped with Pokemon Fire Red and Leaf Green. Firstly, these only worked between Leaf Green and Fire Red so trading with Sapphire or Ruby had to be done with a link cable. Secondly did any other game use the wireless adaptor? The same goes with the N64 gameboy game pad adaptors that were used with Pokemon Colloseum did any other game use these? Same again for the Gameboy camera, tilt sensor, E-card reader etc. etc. The gameboy player for the Gamecube boggles my mind especially multiplayer gameboy or GBA games that would require 4 Gamecubes, 4 TVs, 4 Gamecube Gameboy players and 4 link cables.

Phasing out of the last gen. First gameboy then gameboy color then gameboy advance now DS. It's a real shame that the DS can't play gameboy/gameboy colour games because it means you have to keep a Supergameboy, GBA or Gamecube Gameboy player handy. Transferring pokemon red/blue/yellow pokemon to gold/silver was frustrating because it required either two gameboy colors or pokemon stadium 2 and x number of those darn N64 gameboy adaptors. Also it was infinitely frustrating when the Gameboy Pokemon could not be transferred to the GBA games. The rumour mill is saying that the GBA pokemon will be transferable to the DS versions but I'll believe that when I see it.

Highlights There have been some really good ideas from Nintendo but the execution especially in Europe has required boxes and boxes of hardware. To be fair a lot of the extra hardware was shipped with the game it was used for but to really get the most out of the system 4 of each adaptor were required which, all bar the hardcorest of nintendo fans didn't have (demanding 4 GBAs and GBA link cables for Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles was a bit steep). A lot of this hardware is now like gold dust. The other day I couldn't find a Gamecube-GBA link cable anywhere in central London! However, when you do find three friends with all the accessories, games and consoles the experience is awesome, Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles and WarioWare Inc. to name two. Nintendo is really getting to grips with interconnectivity and multiplayer with the DS with (almost?) every game having an aspect of multicard play and a significant number having downloadable single cart play.

To highlight the naughtiness of Nintendo and Sony to play these 11 different game types

Mario Kart DS
Pokemon Stadium 2
4P Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles
Point Blank 2
4P Micro Maniacs
4P Freedom Fighters
Link Up Command and Conquer
Link Up Timesplitters 2
Tetris Gameboy
Trading Pokemon Sapphire, Pokemon Fire Red and Pokemon Leaf Green
Trading Pokemon Yellow to Pokemon Silver

Requires this amount of hardware

2x Playstation 1
2x Playstation 2 (not slimline and old version with PS2 link cable port)
Playstation 2 (new version to play newer games that don't work on old PS2)
Playstation 2 Memory Card
Playstation 1 Memory Card
8 Dualshock Controllers
Playstation 1 multitap
Playstation 2 multitap
Playstation 2 slimline multitap- "which allegedly exist" Still 3 types of multitaps!
Playstation 1 link cable
Playstation 2 link cable
Nintendo Gamecube
4x GBA link cable
4x N64 Controllers
4x N64 Gameboy adaptors
2x GBA wireless adaptors
1x GBA link cable
Nintendo DS

If someone could cost this (adjusting for inflation) that would be great

Having never been an Xbox owner I can't really go into depth on this but the backwards compatability issue seems to be pissing off many people. On the other hand Live! and Arcade have been widely acclaimed. Also the option to listen to your own downloaded music on selected games was a fucking master stroke. There is some indication that patches may be the way forward for the Xbox but there is enough on that on the internet already.

Chuff_72 adds - To use a PS1 multi-tap in a PS2 slim you need to "customise" it, shaving off the guard that is designed to stop you putting a mcard in the wrong slot on the PSone, this can be achieve via the use of a small plane or file.

To play the Chocobo min game for FFVIII, you need - 1x Imported "Grey" PS1, 1x NTSC tv, 1x Pocket Station, 1x Imported FFVIII

Also bear in mind that you need the first/second generation "Grey" PS1 to play link up games, as they removed the i-link port for the newer models.

To play Thrill Kill, you need - 1x "Grey" PS1, 1x Biro (ink cartridge), 1x black market copy of said game, 1x dedicated mother fucker to spend hours mastering the disc swap, 1x Ridge Racer alleged to be the best game for swapping, 1x a retard to select "No" to the "are you old enough to play this game" screen

Update update Apparently there is a multitap for the slimline (that is different to the slimline multitaps which were relesed before the PSTwo we bought one and it didn't fit it was just a trimmer version of the chonky PS2 multitap). I'll be fucked if I've ever seen one though, apart from the dodgy MAD BOYZ or GAME own versions with two seperate plugs that break as soon as you take them out of the packaging or just refuses to acknowledge P3 regardless of the different dance mat/joypad combinations you use.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Game developers are Pussies

Badly packed kebab!
To highlight the meaningless analysis of video games from people who claim to be gay, feminist, humanist, masculinists, journalists we have compiled a list comparing game developers and producers to female genitalia. It is about as relevant.

The Rockstar vagina would be huge but look a bit grubby if you looked in detail. Also everyone you know has played it

The controls aren't in the book, they are impossible to control and not even the fucking developers know how the fucking thing works. But if you bought the game for £5 you can't complain

Absolutely top quality! But then a bit like vagina you've had before other times.

Ed Federmeyer
They would be simple to play, hard to master and wouldn't smell like a Chinese fish market in the morning in the morning.

The EA vagina would be like a hysterectomy vagina, fun to play but ultimately pointless.

It would be massive, but the gays would have trouble getting in.
(It wouldn’t be a vagina it would be a platform)

Very tight and nice before birth, but vaginal tearing has caused it not to function properly. Recent Plastic surgery has put it back on track.

Namco's vagina would be best played with in a piss smelling "carpet" covered venue somewhere on a pier or seaside.

Fun to play but massive and you'll give up before you complete

Atari used to be a good vagina but due to her years is best playing in conjunction with other vaginas

It would pretend to be really good until you got it home and it broke three times a year.
The labia would be sold separately as well
Every year
Getting subtlety changed

Experienced therefore better

Nintendo is a childish looking vagina hoping to attract young women and older men with its Wii

A French vagina that is weird to look at, with a green tridot clit. Enjoyable to play, but for most people that first step is a chunnel too far.

Keeps coming back for more, even though the last one was the "Final" one. Always makes you cry.

Microsoft having been a penis for a long while thinks it knows about being a vagina but in reality is just played with by immature boys hoping that one day someone will see it for the vagina it is.
(It is so big that many Japanese players are put off)

ID is a what-you-see-is-what-you-get vagina. Good times to be had by all but nothing so much as a goodbye afterwards. Not the thinking players vagina

The people who created Katamari

DISCLAIMER: No vaginas were eaten during the making of this post.

Summer News Round Up

Well it had to end but Autumn is upon us (it rained yesterday), this summer has been unusually rife with exciting news. Normally, summers are long and boring on the games front with dribbling pieces of crap news like another Armoured Core game announced and Nintendo releasing a new edition of one of their consoles. Here's the summer round up:

Leeroy Jenkins Video "fake"
Nintendo Revolution to be renamed
Games are art
Girls play games!
Child-killer once played Ridge Racer
Games make you fat
PS3 launch date brought forwards to three weeks ago
Blizzard bans heterosexuals for inherent un-PCness
Take Two sued for Grand Theft Auto London
WoW expected to "take off" says lesbian programmer who did the letterboxes in Paperboy
Another rubbish "media culture" author spends four years in second life promoting a free version of a very boring book with a shit cover
Tekken 6 looking great
Sega ends the Dreamcast
Half Life 2 disappoints again
RE4 "quite good" says Dom. Diamond

What a summer! Roll on 2007!!!

Thanks for Playing

This weekend I had two longish train journey's and a lot of waiting time so naturally the DS got a lot of love. Desperately trying to complete some of the games 100% for the Big List I ended up completing Sonic Rush with Blaze and Sonic (need to get the Zone 7 Emerald which is fiendishly hard), beating Resident Evil Deadly Silence, again as well as completing a number of Mario Kart DS Grand Prix. What I was stupidly happy about is that each of these games comes up with a message after the credits. Thanks for Playing (MKDS), Thanks for playing Congratulations (SR) and Wow what a tough guy (REDS). Now whether I just haven't been busting a lot of games recently or whether games have stopped saying Thanks for Playing! I don't know but it seems like ages since I've seen that.

In fact if I was to go on EDGE online I would set up a thread on "When did games stop saying Thanks for Playing?". I would then have to post the first response "Fuck off prick" and then become a full time acolyte on some feminist games blog.

"Wow that was a great post today Miss Kitty Melons! Knicker pictures please.
N.B That was an ironic post modern joke really I'm not sexist some of my best friends are women. Oh god I need your attention Miss Kitty! Please respond please respond"

I got this image from but I didn't want to investigate the rest of the site because it's probably an American paedo site
Anyway, more thanks for playing after credits in games please? Also, more games where you can unlock a new menu screen like in Soulblade and Mario Kart DS please?