Merry Go Round, Broken Down


Yes Kids! Once again, I get on my high horse and complain about things I have no right to be complaining about because I probably couldn't do any better. Today it is my favourite subject. Crates and Barrels!

I wrote the funniest article ever here until some cunt wrote serious shit over the top of it. The only bit that is still mine is the bit under sources. This is what the regulator says after destroying the best piece of games related writing to ever appear on the internet :

(Rework of page to remove subjectivity (sarcasm) and make conjecture obvious as such. Also reworked some phrasing to improve flow.)

Mother Fucker! How dare you judge me! Also by "Reworked" he means "make boring like the rest of this shitty Wiki written by people who masturbate over pictures of broken PCs with bits coming out". Well, Mrs. Humorless here is my original article that you so callously deleted.


First Use of Crates and Barrels
Appears in: Every Game Ever
Description
Barrels and crates have been a staple feature of games for many years now. Originally appearing in FPS(??) they are now a feature of most genres.
Interestingly, almost every launch title for the first "next-gen" console (Xbox 360) still features Barrels and/or Crates
For unknown reasons, despite the current best AI programming, in FPS exploding barrels often act as a magnet for enemies to huddle around or take cover behind. The worlds top minds in philosophical metaprogramming are working on a solution to this phenomenon but until it is solved it will continue to effect every single new Doom/Unreal/Halo clone for the forseeable future
Importance
Games without barrels or crates are unimaginable. Items would just be laying in full view on the floor of corridors. Enemies would have to take cover behind low walls, or in the worst case scenario not take cover at all. Crate puzzles would no longer exist, lazy set-pieces would have to be completely rethought. Virtual life as we know it would not be the same without the barrel or crate.
Influence
The exact evolutionary tree of barrels and crates is not known. Did breakable pots give way to barrels and then crates or are crates and barrels sister groups with pots and other members of the breakable family independently evolving. One theory is that barrels are the crown group of this whole clade.
The position of the large freight containers that make up every single wharehouse, dock and villian base level is unknown.
Possibilities
This innovation has been exhausted for about 27 years now.

Comments

Cunzy11 said…
Here is the original hilarity http://www.gameinnovation.org/index.php?title=First_Use_of_Barrels_and_Crates_in_a_Game&diff=prev&oldid=6135
Anonymous said…
what happened to the roots!?? "first used in FPS". bah:

Donkey Kong
Two Crude Dudes
Streets of Rage
Alex Kidd
Desert Strike
Into the Eagles Nest
BMX Simulator 2
Out Run
.
.
.
chunksalsa said…
Look what you've done, in my pique i didn't even sign that comment properly....
Cunzy11 said…
Don't ever look into the barrel nd crate origins!!

Eventually you will trace it back to the Devil! Who puts these things here!
chunkysalsa said…
do not gaze too long into the abyss, eh?
Quadbee said…
hey cunzy have u ever thought of making a game without crates or barrels????? huh? huh? i dont think so, so until u do then u can slate them off! because i know 4 a fact u are the crates and barrels!
Anonymous said…
Remember me eddie?? when i killed your brother i spoke just like thiiiiiiiiiis!
dr wo 69 said…
Barrels where on Kens Stage and Crates on Guiles stage, Dhalsim only had elephants and Chun-Li had some dude choking a chicken and riding a bike (not at the same time, although I want to try)

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