The History of Games

This is not a history of games. If you want a history of games and games machines go to Wikipedia or something, this is a rant about “serious” games books, not novellisations or fan fictions (even though Barry x Chris or William Birkin x Yuna fan fics are great).

Pick up any serious book about games and somewhere there will be a history section. It’s a rule laid down by publishers. If you want to write a serious games book it either has to be a history of games or the first three quarters of the book has to be about the history of games and it goes like this:

1) Write something about Egyptians playing games.
2) Write something about Babbage.
3) Write 1500000 pages on computers that look like this even though only two people in the world ever had one and they cost $168933 at the time . Well although many books say this model was the first to feature a 'k' key it was in fact the Montenegro Atsenz 21SZ1W in fact released in Lesotho on April 1974
4) Write three chapters on Pong including the fact that Pong. wasn't even the first game but write three chapters on it anyway.
5) Write two more chapters on Space Invaders.
6) Write epic whole other books on Elite, Shitty Shit Maze 1D, Maze Adventure Wizard 2D and Adventure Maze land which were the greatest video games of all time, despite being the worst video games of all time.
7) Write two paragraphs on Sega vs. Nintendo, Sonic vs. Mario.
8) Write two lines covering Mega Drive to PS3 era.
9) Write wanky "Doom Columbine", the future? conclusion.

Fan Fictions go like this:

1) Introduce the characters, referencing the events in the game once in the opening line.
2) Pair off the two main protagonists.
3) Write an embarassing OC type flirtation about holding hands and characters asking each other "Do you love me?" at least once every sentence for a good half of the fan fic.
4) The characters then suck each other off, coming the hardest they have ever, come three times each, then have sex in all three positions and one up the bum for luck, coming even harder than previously thought possible another five times each.
5) One of the characters then goes off with a different character repeat above for as long as you want the fan fiction to last.

So my point is: If you are writing a history of video games mention Pong and then skip straight to Super Street Fighter II: Turbo on the SNES. That's a really retro game. Don't mention all the rubbish bits in between "retro games" in the traditional sense are all rubbish. Don't believe me? Download/Buy one of your favourite pre-Super Street FIghter II turbo games, you know the one that in your mind is your favourite game of all time, you would spend hours on it. The "Smelly" Smith children from down your road would come round just to play it and stop beating you up for a while. Then load it up. Your face adorned with a beaming smile when you see the menu screen but then the smile fades as the game takes longer to load than Quake 3. You then see the main character and realise that you had in fact romantisised the three green blocks in your head then you start to play it and it is really easy and quite rubbish. Sorry Madame it's advised that you don't shower until we have taken you to the station for some traumatic swabbing Then you desperately want to have a shower but you can't because the police won't let you because there might still be some "up there" so you play GTA:San Andreas for four days straight to cleanse you of your "retro experience".

There is still a glut of video game books that need to be written, so for all you would be "history of the videogame writers" here's a few ideas:

1) An artsy nude portrait glossy book of some of the more popular video game characters like Solid Snake, Zangief, maybe some girls (Homophobe).
2) A fetish nude portrait glossy book of some of the more popular video game characters like Solid Snake, Zangief, maybe some girls (Homophobe).
3) A "Gays of Games" nude portrait glossy book of some of the more popular video game characters like Solid Snake, Zangief, maybe some girls (Jade from Micro Machines V3, Helena DOA).
4) A bestiality nude portrait glossy book of some of the more popular video game characters like Sly Cooper, Sonic, Cream maybe some Aliens (Xenophobe).
5) A dead-NPC-up-the-skirt-nude-portrait glossy book of some of the more popular video game characters like Tenchu hand maidens, GTA prostitutes, and that Peach trophy on Super Smash Brothers.
6) A Chun Li nude portrait glossy book of some of the more popular video game characters like Chun Li and Cammy, maybe Helga from Clayfighters (Homophobe).

See the possibilities are endless?

Comments

dr wo 69 said…
Was Golden Axe 1 really that good? See I remember it being amazing just for being on the back of a giant turtle for a level and "see my beard! See my beard!", I read a walkthrough on Gayfags and it still sounded great I really need to pick up a copy to try the theory, of course Amiga version only. Tits I need an Amiga.
Cunzy11 said…
Another Mofo'ing list. Retro games that weren't so good when I replayed them

1) New Zealand Story
2) All the Dizzy games
3) Your Mum

HAhahahahahahahaha. See what I did? See what I just did? Did you see that? Here it is again in slow motion

2) All the Dizzy Games
3) Y-o-u-r M-u-m

Oh, time to put that on Wikipedia under Indie games.
dr wo 69 said…
New Zealand Story really does suck, I had a quick burn on Chuff's emulator the music was the only good thing. Yeah Cunzy my mum how mature, I done that at college to a guy once, you know the generic "your Mum!" shout yeah his mum died two months previous. Does that make it funnier or not?
Cunzy11 said…
It all hinges on whether or not you had had intercourse with said dead mum
dr wo 69 said…
Only after the cremation, we had some catching up to do. It was a difficult time for both of us.

Popular posts from this blog

An Omastar Is For Life

The Sheva from Resident Evil 5 Nude Cheat