Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Devil May Cry 3: Dante is not a eunuch!

I have decided to write a little review on this baby as I have just completed it after a year of not playing it, and I should note that it wasn’t the quality of the game, that make me not play it, it was that goddamn World of Warcraft, it came into my life and well, all my "other" gaming has suffered. Anyways, shall we?

Devil May Cry 3 it’s the third in the series, but in name only, this game (at least plot-wise) is a prequel to the first Devil may cry. For those of you who don’t know Devil may cry, it is a 3rd person action game centred around “Dante” a sword and gun wielding half-human, half-Devil. This time round Dante is not the cool smooth anti-hero he was in the other games, he is a mouthy, angry fun-loving teenager, which is a very welcome change from “Devil May Cry 2”, where Dante appeared to have lost all of his quirky-ness and remained a virtually silent protagonist. Dante, to the non-devil-may-cry-aware, may seem a little cheesy, the concept of a demon in a red trenchcoat with a sword or a gun has been seen many times, Vincent Valentine (FF7), Alucard (Hellsing), Vash (Trigun). However Dante stands out from the fray due to his, James bond-esque wit, this along with an epic anime storyline, really gives an immersive outline of the Dante character.

Ok, I hear you, “What is this post? Gay for Dante? Enough of the Dante love, Richie. What about the game?”

The wonder of this game is that Dante is so cool (Gay, Richie, so gay) and a lot of the satisfaction from the game comes from pulling off “stylish” moves. In game you will fight a load of monsters and whilst doing so you get a rating (D, C, B, A, S, SS), dependant on the moves you are pulling off and the combos you are doing, your stylish rating goes up, once you hit SStylish Its really satisfying to keep it going, frantically searching for the nearest enemy to swipe at. Also when fighting there is a huge range of weapons to choose from, these weapons are split into Melee weapons (Swords, Nunchuks etc) and Guns all of which are really different and cool in their own little way. For Instance one of the melee weapons Dante (Oh Dante, sigh) uses is a Guitar/Scythe/Sword which fires bats and electricity, you really have to see it to believe it! And speaking of Stylish, in this incarnation of Devil May Cry Dante uses the circle button to perform “style” moves, these range from extra Sword moves, to creating a duplicate of himself and have 2 Dantes fighting (2 Dantes!) these styles can also be levelled up the more you use them, and as they level up more and more moved become available to you.

The game is split up into 20 Missions, between each mission there are really well acted cutscenes (makes a change!). The mission really break up the game in a logical way, usually in each mission you have to either solve a puzzle and /or kill a boss. And the replayability factor is astounding, once you have beaten a mission of a particular difficulty you can go back at anytime and play it again, either to collect more red orbs to buy new moves/items or power-ups, or to just to improve your rating on that particular mission.

However Devil May Cry is not without it problems: As you progress through the difficulty levels the game does get insanely frustrating at how hard the enemies are (although this is a trait shared with all Devil may cry game, except 2, no-one wants to play that game, more than once, let alone on a harder difficulty level, thus prolonging the agony). The targeting system is a little off, frequently you find Dante sprinting across the room to an enemy you didn’t want to kill at that point. There are also some puzzles that are not that clear, I have found myself running all the way back to the start of the game with put intentionally meaning it. The camera angles, although greatly improved from Devil may cry 2, still at time confuse the hell out of you.

In conclusion, the game is beautiful, it gives you are great sense of satisfaction and achievement, the characters are likable and the storyline is refreshingly good.

I’m not even going top rate it, the game is phenomenal if you own a PS2 then this game is a must buy!

P.S. Pressing L1 turns you into a demon, brilliant!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


So everyone and their dog is doing this at the moment thanks to this site here but what the hell. If you are going to steal them at least call your old lady Cunzy11 next time you bang her.

Monday, June 26, 2006

First Ever Review (Excluding the Soul Caliber one)

Here is my first ever review of Resident Evil: Deadly Silence written in the styles of some popular magazines.

The HEDGE review
"As I put the catridge into my DS there is a sudden tightening of my trousers. I put down the DS on my perspex limited edition Katamari table in my expensive North London penthouse squat and venture into the bathroom. I strip naked and watch myself in the mirror whilst fondling my manhood. I write for HEDGE, I write for HEDGe. The pummeling gets faster. I am new games journalism I pant. I'm going to lick it off, I'm GOING TO LICK IT OFF...OH.... NMmmmm. I replace my now flacid new games journalist member. I decide not to lick it off . That idea was madness. But I do write for HEDGE magazine- 7/10"

The Official Redendo Magazine review
"This is perhaps the greatest version of Resident Evil on any console ever. The only resident evil game to feature a microphone and touchscreen. Can't wait for the Pi i version. If you like this you'll like Mario Party 7, Mario Soccer, Mario Allstars: Extreme Volleyball, Mario kart Super Mario Brother Ex plus alpha Solid Gold Edition Turbo II: Extreme Legends 8/10"

Trains TM
"I lyike the colour blue 6/10"

Maily Dail Gaymz Section Review
"Lara Croft strikes out in her biggest and best adventure yet. This RTS, FPS (Thats gamer talk for Real-TIme-Strategy and First Person Shooter) is a fright a minute but beware it probably will give you cancer, it is GM, the asylum seekers will probably get it, and the gays. It also promotes violence against animals and prejudice against the living-challenged. This game is to blame for the state of todays youth and its also propaganda from Bush and Blair for the war as well as promoting vandalism (The games main protagonist, Barry is obese). There should be a law against this. Final score Lower Class/Middle Class"


Now I have to admit it... I really like gamespot I love their reviews! and the Podcast is actually funny. But enough Arse licking! I was reading a cool article on "Top 5 games you haven't played but you should. " with some quite interesting stuff in there. And plus it scarily shows up how ignorant these guys are, and they are supposed to be the forefront in games news.

However, and this may just be blatant jealously because these guys work for Gamespot writing articles for games for a living, the first article on the "Top 5 list of why we shoudn't work in the games industry" is written but a guy who has perhaps the FUNNIEST name i have ever heard EVER:

Guy Cocker.

Guy Cocker! the list of gay jokes are almost limitless! I feel like writing to this guy and making him do an article on "Top 5 gay jokes based on my name" That would be good reading!

The second pleb to get interviewed for the "Top 5 reasons to not listen to the Gamespot UK reviews" is "Brad Shoemaker" now this just further broiled my blood he writes at the end "...check this out: I've never beaten Super Mario Bros. or the original Legend of Zelda. Sure, I've played them both plenty--I even beat Ganon once while playing a friend's copy--but never all the way through. How'd I get this job again?" Normally that would be a fairly decent comant however, when ANYONE in the Games Industry says, "How'd I get this job again?", it pisses me off especially someone who has managed to force himself into a prestegious Company. Anyway this is getting a bit bitter so I'm gonna wrap it up.

The rest of then have fairly "normal" names, shame.

Anyway if you didnt find that funny then how about: Jesus Plasters.

Friday, June 23, 2006

That was close

lWhew! I am alive. I wasn't dead. Here is what happened

About a week ago there was an incident involving zombies in the outskirts of London City. During this incident my father was murdered so I went seeking vengeance with a big sword. After finding a pirate, who I thought was responsible, and beating him I learned that it was me who killed my father. I went mental for a bit and ended up wandering into a science facility. No sooner had I turned up than something happened transporting me to an alien planet. After what seemed like forever I was picked up by a passing ship. Upon arriving on earth I found out that my mother have died so I flew to my home town. After the funeral I stuck around and found out that the old hood was in a right state so me and my homies set about cleaning it up that was until a giant monster turned up. We eventually felled the foul beast and I went back to my house only to find it wasn't my house anymore. So I moved to a new house in a new city. But then that got attacked by a dragonand my house turned into an angel thing so I moved out again and I am now homeless living in a box ...... just a cardboard box.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Lvl 60, Discuss...

As a sort of follow up to this post, I’d like to give you guys a little insight to the “endgame” in WoW, or at least my view so far on it. As far as I can see there are really only 2 directions you can go in once you hit lvl60, the first is PvP and the second is to go raiding. So I have dabbled in a bit of both:

PvP: This consists of doing Battle Grounds over and over. When you do battle grounds you gain two things Reputation and honour. You gain reputation with the faction you are fighting for the more you get of this allows you to buy cooler things from their vendor, usually armour and weapons. You gain honour for killing things in general in the game for any PvP activities including just killing a random player from the opposite faction. Honour is well complicated but essentially, your characters PvP activities are calculated every Wednesday morning for the whole week and you gain honour from it, as you proceed up the ranks, gaining more honour you are able to buy very cool armour.

There are 3 choices of battle ground:

1. Warsong Gulch, which is a “capture the flag” Battle ground with 10 Alliance players vs 10 horde players and usually lasts no more than ½ hour

Reputation: Silvewing Sentinels average 200 rep per battle.
Honour: 2000-4000 for a win.

2. Arathi Basin, is a typical warcraft type game, where 20v20 players have to fight it out to gain resources by securing locations on the map such as a gold mine or stables.

Reputation: League of Arathor, average 250 rep per battle
Honour: 2000-4000 for a win

3. Alterac Valley, is EPIC is 40v40 and each side starts at either end of a huge map and they have to battle through NPCs and players to eventually kill a boss character, lasts 2-8 hours, EPIC

Reputation: Stormpike average 2000 rep per battle
Honour 4000-8000 for a win

This is all great BUT the major failing in PvP is that the goddamn queues for the battle grounds can take FOREVER eg:

Raiding: this is where teams of 10 – 40 players team up together and raid a dungeon for cool items, there are loads of endgame dungeons each with different difficulty curves. And it really requires people who know what they are doing in the dungeons and loads of preparation.

Yeah so I did UBRS (Upper BlackRock Spire) and I won a few things including a new hat and well it sucks! Look:

Remind you of anyones hat?

Fucking wonder woman’s bandana Seriously?!?! I didn’t spend forever trying to get to lvl 60 for Wonder woman’s sweaty bandana.

In conclusion: fuck it I’ll do both.

Monday, June 19, 2006

New Niche Market!

I was thinking right, with the invention of ePaper that there will be more and more and more need for regularly updated sites, so that people can check it whenever they want. And you know when do people want a quick read? In the toilet! And well I think we should corner this market and change our name to “That Guys a Maniac… why’d he bite me? Updated every time you go for a shit.” We may need some market research: How often do you expunge your bowels? What is your estimated reading time when making a deposit?


Thursday, June 15, 2006

Tony, Hang your head in Shame!

Right you see this Smug bastard:

He’s the fucking cunt responsible for the depraved filth seen on TV nowadays, and I am not talking about weird porn or snuff films I mean this fucking Advert. It’s disgusting sickening and I’m sure it can be linked to recent homicides in the UK.

For those of you who care these are the lyrics:

They’re gonna taste great
They’re gonna taste great
Tony (Cunt): Well everybody knows Frosties taste great.
Even ladies who wait.
Or a pi-rate.
And you teenage brother who’s out on a date.
If you live in Aus, Mate.
Or the empire state.
They’re gonna taste great
They’re gonna taste great
They’re gonna taste great

Fuck you kellogs.

Wii will, Wii will... Rock you!

Yeah so today’s GameFaqs Poll is "Who do you think will win the next-gen console war?". For now we set aside the fact that this is blatant propaganda, and is unjustifiably fuelling the fires of hate for game systems every where. But let us also note the winner, or at least the current contender for winning. It’s the “Wii” by a whopping 45%. This really does seem promising people are seeing that although underpowered the games will be good. Well that’s one interpretation of it, of course it could easily be that its only morons who like the novelty of the wand controller. Or indeed GameFaqs could just be over-run with Nintendo fan-boys… Hmm I wonder.

FYI: I voted for “I think they will all do well” not that I am middle-of-the-road fuck, but also because they all will do well. I have a feeling Xbox360 will get the finger out soon and drop the price, they also have Xbox live arcade which is brilliant, Sony will be a specced-out beast with Final fantasy’s Resident evils and Devil may cries, and the Wii will have Mario franchises, and a full fucking back catalogue of Nintendo and Sega games. Each to their own though, they will all do well.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Cunzy11 M.I.A.

So you’ll probably have noticed that Cunzy11 is missing from That guys … Well that’s because he has gone AWOL, presumed dead. We’ll be tracking him down and we expect him extracted from whichever Circle of hell he’s got himself trapped in this time, soon. We’ll be checking Circle #7.3.2 first, as he usually ends up there…

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

And though Megatron has killed you, we’ll continue…

Right well the Transformers live action movie. From the scraps I have found on the internet:

1. The main plot is that there are 2 humans (boy and girl, spewy romantic potential).
2. Bumblebee is not a VW Beetle.
3. Megatron is not a Gun, but a spaceship(?)
4. Soundwave will be a CD player.
5. There will be transforming Xbox360s and iPods.

All this may sound shit, but check out the site: When it started up I think I came a little bit.

And here’s a little MP3 to keep you going till July 2007.


Right so for a laugh I am doing an online Gaymers survey now, so far the test has been quite innocent, aside from the making me feel guilty for clicking “never” for things like “actively playing a part in your (offline) community” or “Contacting a local MP”. I have now reached page 2 and things are hotting up!

“In Western societies, our culture tends to try to impose a binary categorization of gender, a socially constructed notion of what is feminine and what is masculine. Where would you place yourself on this continuum?”

I won’t get bogged down in the semantics of “imposing a binary categorisation of gender” as I can’t really be bothered with the ambiguity of the statement! But what a brilliant question, needlessly wordy, might I suggest, “Do you consider yourself:” as an alternative to that question. The answers are almost as fantastic as the question e.g. “My concept of my own gender is not on this continuum.”

Oh crap… “Have you ever been romantically or sexually attracted to a video game character?”…moving swiftly on…

Ok we got another one:“Which of the following forms of homophobia have you seen in the gaming community, either online or off?”
Ok the first answer is: “Players use the phrase, “That’s so gay.”” - Yep, it’s standard practice nowadays for gamers to exclaim gay (or if a filter is on, ghey) hell this site has said it a million times already, not something to be proud of.

Right well, I think this guy/girl/gender is not on this continuum has TOTALLY missed the point! I lost faith when I hit this question “To what degree would you like to see gay or lesbian content in the following gaming genres?” and the answers included Puzzle, Music/Rhythm, Classic/Retro, and Childrens. I mean perhaps this question was a subtle way of asking if you are gay, what games do you play? But clearly it isn’t going to work! Especially for Classic/retro, that would involve some kind of time travelling device…

Richie’s Standpoint
Ok just to clarify my opinion is that games should stay away from romance entirely. Personally I find any references to romance in games cringe-worthy whether it be straight, bi-sexual, or gay. I find marriages in MMORPGs deeply sad, and any CG’ed Kiss/Sex scene laughable.
For now I think these issues should be left open to interpretation, if someone wants to believe that Link is gay then so-be-it, there is no proof either way, aside from his “never-ending quest to save his girlfriend” (Sic Re: Drawn together) however we don’t ever really know his motivation for trying to save her.
The same goes for an infinite amount of game characters! Most characters are genderless and it should stay that way. As for games with linear plot lines such as the Final Fantasies (RE: Tifa/Cloud, Aries/Cloud, Rinoa/Squall, Quistis/Squall, Titus/Yuna, Wakka/Lulu) nearly all of these games have included characters which have not been interested in the same or the other sex (Cid, Sephiroth, Yuffie, Red XIII [umm] Zell, Seifer, Rikku, Auron, Sin) hell you could even get Cloud on a date with Barret. AND in FFX-2 it was all girls, highly enjoyable game, if a little girly, and almost no references to boys (except Yuna and her whininess for Tidus) in fact Paine and Rikkus sexuality is never clarified, so again, leave it to interpretation.

So in conclusion, don’t make the characters outwardly sexual, in most cases it is not necessary, or appropriate for games.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Bif Naked plays Glasgow!

First of all, for those of you who don know, Bif Naked is primarily the main singer in the band "Bif Naked". But she has also been known to dabble elsewhere. Notably as the voice of Zoe from SSX Tricky, “I can see my house from here”. But had also starred in the terrible film House of the Dead, and had made loads of TV appearances, including Buffy: the vampire slayer.

Anyway so for like the first time EVER Bif Naked has performed in the UK as a support act for some pishy band called Alterbridge. And well She played on Friday 9th June at the ABC venue in Glasgow, So I paid my money just to see Bif Naked, and fucked off before crappy Alterbridge came on. She looks kind hot from here

Well, the gig was short, she played mostly new stuff but it was still awesome! However! No one knew her! I was gutted! A crowd of lifeless plebs all just staring blankly! I was RAGING! “APPRECIATE THE BIF!”

So on behalf of Glasgow I want to extend an apology for the MINDLESS PHILISTINES! And we at That Guys hope you come back to the UK soon!Still looks kinda hot but seriously you wouldn't she's rotten

P.S. at the end of the gig she said, “See you in the Fall”. Awesome!

P.P.S. Fall is American for “Before Winter”

Pinnacle reached: Richie now accepted by Geeks everywhere!

In the small hours of Saturday night/Sunday morning I finally did it! I reached Level 60! After hours and hours of grinding, questing and farming I finally did it, My Mage hit Level 60!

Let me take you through it:

Me pointing at the "mob" that's gonna take me to level 60Me and my guildmates

Me hitting level 60!Me and all my friends

Me dancing on the remains of the "mob" I this really what my life amounts to?
If you are interested, or want to give me Gold/Items/Cybaaaaaaaar, my server is Runetotem, and I am a Human Mage called Richie….

Friday, June 09, 2006

Holy Shit!

He is actually still-a-fucking-alive.

Ed, we're not worthy! We're not worthy. For those of you who haven't read this blog or played disc 12 of PlayPlusses (or Some old magazine) Demo Disc, Ed Federmeyer is a god.

Do you remember Net Yaroze Playstations? They were black and people could program really shit games. They cost about 4 grand and for a while every magazine used to have a section on their demo disc with a selection of the same 9 homebrew "This is what you can do with Net Yaroze"games. Most of them were poor but one game, Haunted Maze , was head and shoulders above all games then and since.
You played as a man in a maze..... anyway the best game ever, and whilst it loaded the game up it told you that Ed Federmeyer made it in three weeks. Even now when we have a get together at some point in the evening Haunted Maze goes on and it takes a force of nature to get it turned off, so we can carry on playing not-free, this gen games.

They did it! They did it....

Well, yesterday I found this article (on Game Girl Advance, well you've got to pretend right? Whats the point of going online if you can't pretend to be a girl anyway), read all three posts, and thought WOW! They have kinda done what I mused about here. A great place for people to go and game in comfort, with leagues, big screens, spectators, games for sale usw. usw.!

So I checked out the Game Time Nation homepage and it's been closed now for about two years.

Nevermind. That's that experiment I can cross of my list of things to do.

Console dictatorship.

Just as a follow up to Cunzys Letters to Mr Sony, Microsoft and Nintendo: I realised in some way each one of these companies is striving to get you to play the games that they want you to play:

Example 1: Sony – Hmm, these are the least evil, however they pile out any shite possible on the system.

Example 2: Microsoft – Quote: “Fuck back compatibility! You will only play our (Huge range) of new 360 games… Dicks.”

Example 3: Nintendo – These guys are the worst! Not only are they fucking releasing what they feel like localising to Europe, but they also tell you how you should play it! Fuck that if I want to play Animal Crossing for 6 hours then not touch it for a month I will!


Mobile Gaming?

Yeah that’s right, I am posting about Mobile games! As well, unfortunately I am an osmotic expert in this area. Now I know ‘gamers’ quickly dismiss mobile gaming, and quite rightly so, there is a myriad of terrible cash-ins, all because there are fucking retards out there that are willing to buy screensavers, wallpapers, ringtones and games based on fads (Crazy frog anyone). And all these fucking mobile distribution fucks do is charge it to their mobile accounts for a picture or a midi file, if anybody just realised the 90% of the phones out there have pc connectivity you could download a better jpeg/midi file and be slightly more individual. Conclusion if you EVER even THINK about downloading a ringtone from one of those FUCKING ADVERTS on music channels, you are a braindead fuck who doing nothing but contributing to the lowering of standards of media everywhere, YOU “SUN” READING FAECAL ABORTION!

All that’s aside in amongst the shit there are actually some good games which are well worth looking into. In my opinion for a mobile game to be good it cant be too involving or require any skill in kitting those buttons, as we all know most mobiles are not ergonomic/responsive. Here is a list of mobile games worth playing:

1. Skipping Stone.

This is originally a Korean game, and as such has a wonderful collection of “Quirky” graphics. The game, as you may have guessed, is a challenge to keep the skipping stone bouncing, to do this it is a matter of pressing “5” at just the right time when the stone hits the water. The pure simplicity of the game sells it to me, and as a timewaster on the bus, it more than works!

2. Chu Chu Rocket.

A wonderful port (and apologies I know this is a port but this game should have been made for the mobile phone!), if not long overdue, of the Sega Puzzle game where mindless space mice must escape in rockets and dodge the evil space cats… A premise like that cannot be beaten.

3. Doom RPG.

As much as I hate to say it (because everyone is) this game is good! And even with the old 2,4,6,8 controls, this game still rocks, worthy of being on a handheld device such as the GBA/PSP.

4. Agent V.

Ok this one is brilliant! And over-looked due to it being a game that “ships” with the Nokia phones. It uses the camera and you have to zap viruses in the air by moving the phone about. Wonderful concept, however the camera is a little dodgy.

Anyways that’s the cream of the crop. Aside from snake maybe…


Ok so, yesterday was a bit ranty so here is some medicine to remind me why I bother.

For years I’ve lived a double life.
In the day I do my job,
I ride the bus,
Roll up my sleeves with the hoi polloi.
But at night I live a life of exhilaration,
Of missed heartbeats and adrenaline,
And, if the truth be known,
A life of dubious virtue.
I won’t deny I’ve been engaged in violence,
Even indulged in it.
I have maimed and killed adversaries,
And not merely in self defence.
I have exhibited disregard for life,
And property,
And savoured every moment.
You may not think it to look at me,
But I have commanded armies,
And conquered worlds.
And though in achieving these things
I have set morality aside,
I have no regrets.
For though I’ve led a double life
At least I can say,
I have lived.

Still as effective now. Video here. Although almost everyone is naked in this vid.

Thursday, June 08, 2006



What the fucking fuck are you up to. You are the penultimate offender on my list but you re the worse. Simply I tell you: If you hate European gamers soooo much then don’t bother at all. Just fuck off.
You re so bad that this genius has set up a site just to track how crap you are.

Let’s examine your naughtiness.
NES, SNES and N64. Okay these were alright despite the fact we only ended up with 30% of the games that came out in Japan and America but an impressive backlist nonetheless; Goldeneye, Super Mario everything, Killer Instinct, Zelda etc. (I say etc. but what I mean is that is it. Perfect Dark doesn’t count. It was terrible. It really was). You even managed to make Star Wars games good which was a first.

Gameboy. King of handhelds, can’t be faulted still going kinda. Awesome right on dudes.

Gamecube. This is where you stopped not giving a fuck about Europe and started actively hating it. The launch games came out two years after the console. Any original or good games didn’t get ported until maybe next week sometime. Multiplatform games came out months after the other platforms (Tomb Raider Legend? Did you even know they were doing it for the Gamecube?) You forgot to put it online and then forgot to make it play DVDs.
Then after what seemed like decades and decades of nothing, you got a momentum going Super Smash Brothers, Rogue Squadrons, Animal Crossing, Pikmin, Eternal Darkness, RESIDENT EVIL 4, Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles, Metroid Prime it was all go. It was all sexy. European Gamers said “What is this Gamecube is it new? No? But its exciting.” You can attach a gameboy advance to it? It was at this precise point when you decided to abandon it in Europe. Give up, bail out no more new games for you “We are working on a different product”. Poor Mario tried his hardest to keep us piqued Mario Party 7, Mario Strikers and Mario Golf Again. You could see in each new game he was tired. Tired of doing things he didn’t want to. “Can’t someone else help me out?” he asked “No” Mr.Nintendo said. “Luigi is still in the dog house for that mansion pish. We don’t have any other characters. Don’t worry though we’ve got another Zelda game coming out soon.”
Now, I can understand why European retailers have given up. I can sell a million copies of FIFA on the PS2 and Xbox why should I bother stocking it for the Gamecube when there hasn’t been an original Gamecube-only release now for months. In fact the big ass GAME in London has one bay, five shelves, in a corner, with all the games turned to face the wall in shame. HMV staff don’t even know what you are talking about if you ask where the gamecube games are.
They probably think Why should I stock Gamecube games at all? Check your local store, hardly any preowned cube games. Why? Is it because all the games are that good that no-one lets them go? No. Its because:
a)every Gamecube gamer only has 8 games, because there are only 8 games worth getting
b) they don’t want to abandon it especially since they snorted at their friends for getting a PS2, if they hold on then maybe, the Gamecube’s Halo or GTA will appear
c) Retailers can’t sell preowned gamecube games because all gamecube owners have the same 8 games
d) They don’t want to be seen in the game store trading in Gamecube games because the PS2 and Xbox gamers would laugh as they dance around smothering themselves with literally thousands of different games.
So you gave up on the Gamecube. Unless you count the recent 4/10 smash hit Odama. It’s got a microphone L and Twilight Princess, which is being shipped with free copies of Starcraft:Ghost, Final Fantasy , Sam and Max 2, G:Police 3 and the original Mother and Mother 2.

And then just as Nintendo fanboys were about to pour petrol on their SNES’s and look at pastures Sony or Microsoft the DS came out. Hallelulahs shouted fanboys and fangirls OMG! Said normal civilians Kinda looks good said all gamers. Then it was good again Mario went back to running and jumping and driving Karts with his pals, Nintendogs!, Advance Wars, new Wario Ware, other Mario Games, Little Animal Crossing. Even whacky Japanese games that us English speakers cannot possibly understand or play came out: Trauma Centre & Phoenix Wright. Blogs were buzzing with word that Nintendo was back. Then it happened again. At the height of the buzz you gave up. No more new games. DSLite? Oh thanks, brilliant, so now I can replay the 9 launch games I bought only on a snazzier machine. Then you stopped porting games, if you did you took ages. HOW MUCH LOCALISTION DOES ELECTROPLANKTON NEED? Seriously 6 months? WHAT WERE/ARE YOU DOING WITH IT FOR 6 FUCKING MONTHS? So now we are in the exact same position as the PSP and the Gamecube. Soon you’ll see the DS games areas get smaller, and smaller. RETAILERS ARE ALREADY GOING MAD, Chuff_72 reports that this GAME only stocks Trauma Centre. Shelves and shelves and shelves of one game. You’ve made them go mad like a polar bear in a small zoo just rocking backwards and forwards. Why have you given up? Oh of course the Wii.

CAN YOU SEE WHATS HAPPENING? It’s the worst way of keeping your market happy ever. Release console. Release 24 Mario games, a Metroid, the same Pokemon game, a Zelda. Then give up don’t send any more games. Release new console. THEN you have the testicular fortitude to tell us that you want to attract non-gamers? IT WON’T WORK YOU FUCKING FREAKS. Non gamers expect things like being able to buy goods regularly and continuously. They expect the objects they have to be useful for more than two months when you give up on them.
Don’t believe me? If you doubt this then look at your Playstation memory cards and game collection. More often than not you’ll have a large collection of games and never enough space on the 8 memory cards you own.
Now look at your Nintendo stuff. One medium sized plastic box which houses your cube, N64, SNES, NES and all the games you have for these systems. You only have one memory card and its less than half full.

So, the Wii. This time Nintendo have lost it. Rather than give up on it in 2 years time they’ve started by giving up on it before they even made it. No-one knows anything apart from the funny controller, Shigeru laughing maniacally on stage at the latest N64-quality tennis thing and the name, which, has already changed.
Cryptic adverts, a Rayman game and Super Smash Brothers Brawl is all anyone can even scrape together on the internet. But listen up shitheads there is no mystery it'll have 24 Mario Games, a Metroid Game, A Zelda and the same Pokemon game again. Will it be online? Backwards compatible? Sega downloads? GBA or DS compatibility? I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. WILL YOU ACTUALLY SUPPORT IT IN EUROPE THROUGHOUT IT’S LIFESPAN OR WILL YOU FUCK US UP THE ARSE AGAIN SO THAT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GET THE GAMES YOU WANT UNLESS YOU LIVE NEXT DOOR TO THE BIGGEST GAME SHOP IN THE WORLD AND GO IN ON THE LAUNCH DAY OF THAT PARTICULAR GAME SO YOU CAN BUY ONE OF THE 2 COPIES YOU BOTHERED TO SEND FROM JAPAN THAT TOOK YOU 18 MONTHS TO LOCALISE. Fucking Pricks.



You’ve been a constant joy for so many years. Just look at your back catalogue. My wish list is still longer than the Xbox 360 release list. We’ve had laughs, tears, fear and comfort. Memories of the PSX are happy memories Colony Wars, Micro Machines, Dino Crisis, Tomb Raider, Resident Evil, Theme Hospital, Quake 2, Syndicate Wars, Silent Hill… The list is endless. The end of the PSX was like getting a favourite dead pet dog stuffed. It was still around, you could still have intercourse with it and you could make your brand new dog still have intercourse with it.

Then you started to be naughty. “Four ports for joypads” you said “Easy Peasy Online” you said. But these things didn’t transpire. So now we have to own two different multitaps for PSX games and PS2 games. But it didn’t matter you gave us more Silent Hills, 3D Grand Theft Auto, Quake 3, Dynasty Warriors, Burnout, TImesplitters, SSX Tricky, Project Eden, Metal Gea… The list is endless. There was no point in owning a gamecube there were three good games. Xbox was alright but we had 200 games for the PS2 already. Go into a GAME store today, right now, I’ll bet there is a least 2 preowned games you will pick up. You are still going strong Guitar Hero, Tomb Raider: Legend & Buzz! are recent examples.

But recently you have been very bad indeed.
Firstly, the PSP, “look at me” it said. And we did. Imagine, a little sexy Playstation 1.5 to play wherever! You didn’t even need a TV anymore and it ws online, like the PS2. Okay it had UMDs and other stuff but that’s what Ipods and internets are for. So then there were some good games like Lumines, little GTA even a new Wipeout. Then that was it. We all read about the thousands and thousands of PSP games in Japan but you didn’t want us to have them, they were too weird you said. “We want more games!” we said. THEN YOU SAID “PISS OFF I’M BUSY DOING SOMETHING ELSE!”. You can’t say piss off to us. We love you. Please more games for the PSP. “YOU’VE GOT ANOTHER FIFA COMING OUT SOON WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? GO AWAy”
So now if you go to a game shop stand by the PSP bay, (if you can find it Mr.GAME, you are last on my list!), look at how unispiring it is. 3 different games. EA golf game after EA Football game and a 1000 copies of GTA. IF you are lucky, you might be able to pick up copy of Street Fighter EX plus alpha mega gold compilation turbo 2: road to the fireball: capcom classics. But it’s OK because it’s online. Kind off. Well it’s online like the PS2 is online. MR.Sony why get us so excited by the PSP and then just give up on it. Oh because you are going to make a PS3?.......

The PS3. Without doing much tinkering, in fact changing the PS2 logo to PS3 nd releasing it will guarantee millions and millions of sales. All we want from you Mr.Sony is more of the same, like the PSOne and the PS2. OK, make the graphics better ad other gubbinz that aids gameplay. Good. But please just: Fix online because we were not happy with your lies before, make it backwards compatible so we can play the plethora of games in our libraries, wireless controllers? Excellent no more carrying around three types of multitap.

Yet what did you say? What did you tell us?
“This is games” No it’s not. We don’t need to be lied to. We’ll buy it anyway its sure to look good but c’mon, that’s clearly FMV. How would a game work if the camera was in that position (Motor Storm)? This level looks nice but too easy you only have to shoot four things (Killzone 2) the rest is all done by NPCs.
“It’s HD compatible” Umm Okay but no-one has a HD-TV. I’m still plying on a TV that you have to hit to work and doesn’t have SCART.
“It’s out in spring” Wow that’s gre…
“No it isn’t” Oh. Okay don’t get our hopes up like that again.
“It’s Blu-ray so it’s £800” WHAT? What is Blu-ray? Is it games? No! then get to fuck
“It’s cheaper than a Blu-ray player” You make the other Blu Ray players you fucks
“No we don’t. Heres the new controller” YES you bloody well…. WHAT A NEW CONTROLLER. Why? what is wrong with the old one?
“This is games” Oh no, they look nothing like the FMV you showed us. Resident Evil 4 looks better. Lets pretend you aren’t making a PS3. Lets go back to good ol’ PS2 and PSP?
“We are discontinuing PSP” Why? It’s only just out. It hasn’t had time to develop. Give it time
“It’s not Blu-Ray or HD compatible” So? it plays games. Stop. MR.Sony stop. Why are you so mean to us. We loved you for so long. We fought the Xbox owners with our money and on the forums. Now look what you’ve done. We are crying, real crying not fake allergy crying when we watch Titanic. Proper Boo-Hooing. Stop. Stop.
“The controller is interactive not like Nintendo completely new idea like Blu Ray” Nooo its copying Nintendo. Stop it please….

Mr.Sony our hearts are breaking under the strain of, mostly shitty diets and no exercise, but also becuse you hve hurt us.....


What is the point in having an E3 or a Serious Games Summit or any of these events when BEING A GAMER IN EUROPE IS LIKE BEING A MONK IS LAS VEGAS. It’s hard to find a nice new habit to buy, no-one will give be a bowl haircut. There are no bible, or other religious merchandise, shops. Also the “churches” they have are an insult to real churches.

What I’m trying to say is that following this post and after certain comments from Chuff_72. I have a big beef with four, lets call them, people: Mr.Nintendo, Mr.Sony, Mr.Micrsoft and Mr.GAME. I’m willing to put aside all petty grievances and differences and I think gamers of Europe should come together and rebel! (Although exactly what form this rebellion will take is beyond me? Maybe we should all buy gizmondos and Dreamcasts until the four evils give in to our demands.

Mr. Microsoft.
What the fucking fuck are you doing? You have had a YEAR (and counting) headstart on the other next-gen console (I say other because a name, a new controller and an empty plastic box , does not, a viable console, make) and what have you done with it? WHAT have you done with it. This was your chance to WOW the world and poach as many Sony and Nintendo fanboys whilst they were forced to wait. You should have had a blockbusting game ready for launching every time Sony announced a new delay. In fact, you should of held back the most wanted titles specifically for this purpose- you could call the promotion: There Sony One Next Gen Console Wednesdays. How’s that for a marketing idea? So what have you done well lets have a look. Three 9+ games, a bunch of multiplatform games. Well done you.

You’ve been working so hard on impressing the world with your next gen technology that gamers have nothing but apathy for your console. Absolute disinterest. In fact you are so unnappealingly dull that gamers are buying PSPs and DSs to fill the void until the real next gen turns up. We’d much rather wait for Sonylies console and Nintendoinvisible console than take a look at your offering.
In theory it should be great. With Xbox Live and that thing with all the amiga games for download. Since the Dreamcast, you’ve had a monopoly on online console gaming. The gamecube famously just forgot to be online and despite quotes of x million PS2 online users we know it’s more sony lies.

Where is Gears of War? YOU CAN’T JUST WAIT FOR HALO 3. What you should of done is waited until you had some good games. By good games I mean truly next generation. Not old games but shinier, not multiplatform games but shinier, not even retro games. Truly, awe inspiring new games that would have gamers getting that little sick feeling in their stomach like the first time they turned their PSX's on.

NEXT TIME Mr.Sony. Oh Mr.Sony you've been a very very bad boy.......

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

An Ode to Spuddy (Penis)

Wow, one of our growing ranks of commentors (now we have a readership of 3!) has requested that is post this little poem I composed here. It was first published on my old blog. This new release also comes with a special author's comment at the end.

Oh Spuddy!
You are my first gun
You are my worst gun
It takes you three shots to blow up barrels
And with your negative zoom and miniscule crosshair
It is easier to no-scope
But you are always there for me
You're not like the other guns,
Drip feeding me ammo for lazy setpieces
I cannot collect too much ammo for you
Sometimes you have infinite ammo
And when I've spunked my grenades on peons
And used my automatic weapons on bigger guys
And I have to face a boss and I didn't save at the last checkpoint
There you are useless, small but reliable
Sometimes you have a silencer
Sometimes you have a semi-automatic mode
But I know, when I want to write rude words with bullet holes I can count on you,
The only permanent slot in my inventory

Authors Critique
This Ode is so powerful as to overwhelm. I was inspired to write this Ode by the recent trend of FPS giving you automatic weapons from the offset. Wielding the Spud-gun until you find your first "real" weapon (more often than not a shotgun) is a rite of passage. In FPS the spud is akin to rusty sword or traveller's clothes in RPG's. How peverse would it be if you started an RPG with a really good sword or your legendary armour? Very perverse indeed. I'd like to thank everyone for their supporting comments posted here. Hopefully my first book "Fucking whats the fucking point in running around in the grass for three days fighting frogs just so I'm a high enough level to beat this boss this isn't fun this game is gay I'm never going to play it again after this next go or maybe one more after that. Digital: A visceral response" will soon be picked up by a publisher who definitely spend all day perusing blogs in order to publish books. My friend used to work in Blackwell's and she said that there are scouts watching the internet all the time.

On the Horizon....

As it turns out there is a game coming out soon that i care about:

30th June: Super Dragonball Z from Atari

Oddly enough this bad boy doesnt get a review on Gamespot, but hey... Once it comes out, the That Guy's... guys will surely post a review.

I own most of the current gen Dragonball Z games:
Dragonball Budokai - GC
Dragonball Budokai 2 - PS2
Dragonball Budokai 3 - PS2
Dragonball Budokai Tenkaichi - PS2

There was some Bullshit Dragonball Z game (Sagas) that came out in the US which got the worst reviews, and is not worth playing as it doesnt even encompas the full plot of Dragonball Z. And i dont own the PSP (Shin Budokai) one beacuse well, i dont own a PSP, nor do i ever want to own one.

When Games Go Bad

We have all been strafing round docks and warehouses belonging to yet another Mr.Bigevilscientist, shooting generic balaclava man No.69, who is conveniently hugging an explosive barrel, before pressing identical lever No.23 before sprinting to disabled access-unfriendly door that stays open for just enough time to make it No.22. BUT, it can be argued that when AI cocks up or NPCs act squiffy it can be more chilling than the bit with the doll in Silent Hill 4: the Room.

Now, as all (two) of you know I’ve been playing the same six console games for about 40 years now so I’m in an IDEAL POSITION to get on my high horse and tell you-tales of (virtual) worldly adventures and the glitches that have the power to force involuntary anal outbursts or insurmountable rage.

Tomb Raider and (as Chuff_72 points out) the original Driver were poster games for the fall through the wall/floor into 360° sky glitch. In fact, most games if you push them hard enough will cough you out into an endless, yet subtly beautiful, all around sky.

I was playing Star Wars Battlefront 2 the other day and after a rather graceless death in the Jedi Temple, five rebels huddled around my dead trooper and continued to shoot my now lifeless corpse, until I respawned. Now, I don’t know enough to tell if this corpse pummelling is programmed behaviour, to reflect the in-your-face taunting that has been a staple of online and offline games for a while, or whether it is an artefact of simple AI that tells bots to “shoot enemy avatars until they go away”. I’d like to think it was the former and hopefully, in the future bots will be programmed to corpse-hump you in those painful seconds between death and respawn. Either way, after several successive quick-deaths the sight of bots desecrating your avatars’ corpse can start to make blood boil and, in my experience, playing when the Red Mist has set in is as effective as playing after 20 pints of vodka.
Tomb Raider: Angel of Darkness, was not a sagacious game by any stretch of the imagination. One glitchy door, in particular, made me jump out of my seat because upon X (“ex” as in the button)-ing it to see if it would open, instead of Lara stating, “I can’t open this” she shouted, “I can’t open this” twenty times on a loop.

Quake 3 on the PS2 was also a game of many glitches. One occasion that sticks in mind is when I Quadbee and Dr.Wo 69 were playing a death match against (two?) Bones bots. Something seriously evil happened that game. One of the enemy bots was invisible half the time and would randomly appear on our heads to chainfist us to death the other half. Meanwhile, we were haplessly re-spawning directly into lava, miles in the air above the level, or halfway through the floor. The other Bones was teleporting around the level picking off any of us that were not stuck in the scenery. In addition, for no reason whatsoever at any given point, either of us could spontaneously blow up into our constituent day-glow red chunks. It was fun to play but scary like that bit from Event Horizon. No strategy, skill or learned behaviour could stop us from grisly, gory death.

I’ve seen Quadbee jump from a helicopter only to land in an inescapable crate on GTA and I’ve been more than a little disturbed to occupy the same room as twenty of my previous corpses on a game of co-op, (gone wrong) linked-up, Doom with Chuff_72 on the PSX. I have seen G-Man frozen on a teleporter on Half Life. One time on Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles, the batteries of Quadbee’s GBA ran out leaving his empty avatar, all of a sudden, lifeless and empty on the screen. Map 51 (Area 51-geddit?) link up (PSX of course), Command and conquer: Retaliation was always a joy to play. One occasion midway through a 4-way battle, an army of 60 Red Team civilians literally rose out of the ground. Quadbee and I sent out a scout force to investigate the red blotch that had suddenly appeared on the map only to find that they were nuke-firing civilians. Needlessly to say the scouts were all but wiped out as the PSX slowly ground to about six frames per second.

Another memorable time was on a custom level on Timesplitters 2 (see I told you I only play six games). The level was set up for me, Quadbee, Retardo and Flayer 9 to get 1000 frags against a team of Deacon Swains. The Deacon Swains started in a pit with no weapons and would run along a pitch-black corridor up a ramp and down a long corridor, back over the the top of the pit, to where we would be waiting. The odds were considerably stacked in our favour but occasionally running out of ammo or stray friendly fire would lead to the Deacons overrunning the spawn area. We would then have to run and melee to earn our territory back and continue the mass-slaughter. On one occasion, we wiped out one set of Swains but after a couple of minutes of waiting no more came to attack us. We stocked up on ammo and decided to go and find them after running down the long corridor and rounding the corner, still no Swains we then cautiously navigated through the pitch-black section and eventually, we had tracked all the way round to their spawn point. Still no Swains. It was then, in the corner of P4s portion of the screen a brief silhouette flash of a Swain behind us. Retardo then let out the girliest of screams before his screen blacked out to the sound of minigun fire. Seconds later and we were all stood, newly respawned, back at ‘base’. To this day, we don’t know where they were. They could not have been anywhere else; we had walked through the whole level.

In a way, it is good that games have a certain level of predictability; otherwise, you would have to relearn the fundamentals every time around. Innovation is good but too much can put players off; they are operating outside of a comfort zone. However, I will argue that a significant, if not sizeable, proportion of many Vets’ yarns will include tales of the times a glitch inspired adaptive play on the fly or when the bots acted out of character. For me these stories help gamer-gamer communication: a test of each other’s virtual worldliness and dedication to “play” in its purest forms. It’s not all about the miles you have driven, the heads you have shot or the medals you have earned. It’s the sights you’ve seen,

Londonage Part 7

Step 7. Get Home.

Yeah pretty much the same deal as last time, I seemed to leave everything to the VERY last minute, managing to get on the train/plane etc. just in time. Although there was one thing that bugged me: I don’t know how many of you have travelled on the London Underground and the Glasgow Underground within a few hours of each other. Well I did and I can say Glasgow Underground

Is a bit of a disappointment when compared to the London Underground.

Now I have used the Glasgow underground (Clockwork Orange) for many years now but stepping on it after the wonders of the London Underground (timed tubes, digital displays for where the tube is going, voices telling you information about where the train is going, and a lovely woman who tells you to “Mind the Gap”) just made the Glasgow underground seem like a fisher price toy. The underground is dated to say the least its retro 70’s architecture and retro 70’s upholstery doesn’t do it any favours. There is no digital timed displays, you just have to hope a tube is coming along soon, and if you are lucky there will be an analogue clock in the “Station” so that you know how long you have waited (wasted) in this throw-back of a transport service.

Step 7: Get Home. CHECK.

Score: Richie 5: London 2


Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Enemy Skill


I need help from you! (by you, I mean Richie and our pseudo-anonymous commentor). I recently bought myself a DS (Yeah, yeah. I know the DSlite is coming out soon but I'm a big guy and I'm worried that i might either eat the dinky thing or end up covering the touch screen with my fat digits).

Anyway, I have Mario Kart DS, Advance Wars Dual Strike and Nintendogs. Of course you understand that Nintendogs was part of a bundle, despite what the man at GAME will tell you. It wasn't Mario Kart at all.
I still have to train my dog properly (at the moment he sits down about 1 in every 10 times I tell him to, despite the fact that on his tricks menu he has "learned" this skill), I still have to finish the missions and the 150cc cups and I've still to finish campaign mode not to mention my desire to go online with MK.

But I want a new game too. Due to Nintendo's passionate hate for Europe (Wario Ware Twisted anyone? Have you tried to buy a gamecube game or accessory anywhere other than online recently?) I live in daily fear that the games on my want list may soon dissappear of our shelves to be replaced by the new top ten games and the latest Sponge Bob pish. Here's how it goes:

Phoenix Wright I yearn to play this crazy game for its japanised touch screen click and point goodness
Trauma Centre Surgery on the tube? NEED THIS
Resident Evil: Deadly Silence I don't care if it'll be the 4th time I've played a slightly tweaked game (Resident Evil & RE Director's Cut on PSOne & the Gamecube version). The zombie threat is a real one and with protable daily training I'll be more prepared. And it's different (again). And it's got a touchscreen. And it's WIFI (I still shed a tear, nightly for you RE:Outbreak and your nasty nasty multiplayer lies).
Those stupid Japanese pocket monster games Aaaarghh! Now there's two of them (soon anyway). I know it's inexcusable but after 600 hours (I checked this last night 285 hours on Sapphire, 100 hours on Silver, 106 hours on Yellow and 160 hours on Fire Red not including the fact that I've restarted Fire Red any of the Stadiums, Colloseum or emulated Pinball. The card game doesn't count and I've never played that anyway....) of playing the other ones; Pokemon have literally nested themselves in the dark recesses of my mind that houses addiction, blindness to finances, the wonderfullness of interconnectivity (Even though I've only ever traded with two people any fought only one) and the need for sleep.
Metroid Prime: Hunters Portable online FPS?
Animal Crossing: Wild World Okay I know, that my Gamecube AC town is knee deep in weeds and that all of the residents hate me because I visit so rarely. I also know that Tom Nook has got a hit out on me because I've owed him a million bells since April. But if it's on the DS I will look after the town. I swear. And its online!
Prof Kawashima's Brain Training So I can show my other friends that gaming isn't sad or geeky its actually intelligent and culturally significant
New Super Mario Brothers Nooo! stop
Jump Superstars Fake super smash brothers with Dragonball and One piece characters. Aaagh!
Electroplankton ............
Micro Machin............

ItChy, TAsTy

Londonage Part 6

Step 6. Break into the Big Brother house.

Too Drunk, and Cunzy didn’t know where the house was…

Step 6: Break into the Big Brother house. FAILED.

Score: Richie 4: London 2

To be continued....

That Guy’s a Maniac Award…

This month the “That Guy’s a Maniac…” Award goes to:


This guy is apparently organising a 40 man raid in WoW which he will be controlling himself. For those of you who are WoW-illiterate: 40 man raids are when a group of 40 people, who have reached the end of the game, enter an event where they have to kill very hard enemies and boss characters, mostly to collect some of the more “epic” items to improve their character. The 40 man raids have to be ‘balanced’ i.e. they will have an even spread of all the different character classes (mages, paladins, warriors, hunters, priests etc.) all of which have their own role within the game.

Anyway this guy is apparently gonna control all 40 characters...

Good luck Xzin, and Congrats you are a Maniac

More here.

The Future of Games: Richie Remix.

Cunzys post a hard act to follow but I am gonna blindly try.

Much of what Cunzy was saying is true the "pick up and play" games are a lot of fun, but of course there are all sorts of games out there. Of course there would have be some way of defining games which is something I have been working on for a long time, and by "defining games" I don't mean RTS, FPS, RPG etc… because I believe that there is a deeper element to video games, of which I call the "Gaming Core" (copyright Richie 2006). Basically these can be divided into Good games and crap games, However for now let's have a basic look at how far I have got:

Emotional core:

Games with the epic story lines, rich plot and evoke a strong emotional response. Which is of course what draws you in and makes you want more…
E.g. Silent Hills, Final Fantasy Series.

Skills core:

This is development of in-game skills such as timing, combos, and special moves. Inherent of beat-em-ups or racing/sports games.
E.g. Tekken, Need for Speed.

Adventure core:

Discovering of areas, secrets. Wandering for the hell of it…
E.g. Zelda Games, Mario 64/ Sunshine, Shadow of the Colossus.

Collection Core:

This is a tough one, by collecting I mean collecting a set or completing a selection of items, through whatever means.
E.g. Pokemon, Diablo 2, FFVIII (card game).

Achievement core:

This is the feeling of achievement not just for you but your character/alt by whatever means making your character better or "overpowered" in some way.
E.g. Replay modes with unlocked infinite weapons, choose your game.

Puzzle Core:

Solving of puzzles Riddles, or using strategies/tactics.
E.g. Tetris, Starcraft's, Zeldas.

Luck/Persistence Core:

A game which will allow the player to win if they get lucky after constantly trying something over and over, often with button mashing.
E.g. Pokemon, any "card" game

The Tie-In core:

A game based on familiar setting, either based on a movie, TV series or a previous Franchise, Often notoriously bad, however if the developers have time to work on the title, or if the franchise can be translated well, garnished with the other cores, these can be good.
E.g Star wars Titles, any Sequel.

That's the main cores (for now), I just need to have a long hard… think about what the right balance is to create a "Good game" or at least a game that has a soul, unlike the yearly re-hashes of the same game, made slightly prettier (thanks EA).

Monday, June 05, 2006

Long Range

You honestly couldn't have scripted it more perfectly if you tried. Well not here anyway because we use a certain amount of autistic licence with our spelling and grammar.

Gay (in the 13 year old sense) bloggers don't like football.

Now I'm no sportsman myself, I've dabbled with Football and Rugby and Richie famously appeared on the Silver screen as a rugby player but it takes a certain breed of San Fransisco, blogger, ex-goth, OMG I heard my cat wheezing at 4 this morning so I had to take it to the vet, oh god what would I do if he died? Sicknote Sam to make an Indie videoabout it! Is it because you can't run very fast? I imagine there were jocks at your high-school?

In Europe it is compulsory to like football and/or feign liking it, especially around Euro or World Cup time unless you are a girl in the biological sense or a girl in the other sense.

The Future of Gaming

The “future of gaming” is the new "are games art" question of new games journalism. Every amateur hack is whining on about whether it should be graphics? (Sony Lies, Xbox Lies and Nintendo Statistics) User-created ipodcatowningsecondlifesanfransisconofightingflickrpishimadeafourtyfootmodel
ofmycatlisteningtoanipod? (Second Life) Or emotional storytelling (Ummm…)

Well Fuckward journos if you put your mac down for two seconds we here at That Guy’s will set you straight.

First of all games are inherently broken. Fix them please by following my easy recipe here.

Secondly, fuck-online play. Soooo many console games have a one player mode, no splitscreen mode and a hashed-out-deathmatch-only-crappy-level-online aspect to it.

Sure keep doing your MMORPGs but make fighting compulsory and let people ambush the guilds who endlessly hang around the hubs talking to each other.

Now, if you want to make the next thing in gaming, I’m going to give the recipe to you right here and now:

1) Take GTA San Andreas and strip out all the missions and eateries etc.

2) Make it online but also 1-4 player splitscreen offline or online. Also make it playable on link-up mode also.

3) Get rid of levelling up so that every player is on an equal footing and you don’t have to play millions of hours to start enjoying the meta game. If you want to inspire progression put some achievements in and have a leaderboard or something.

4) Here is where the magic is. So you have San Andreas with all its lovely settings and residents, and you have 100+ gamers milling around ready to play. What you do now is simply take the summons from the Final Fantasy games (for ease of imagery) and have them periodically attack the city. As a player you’d be hanging around all tooled up and then suddenly everyone gets a message on their screen “Bahamut has appeared” and an icon on their map. Imagine the thrill of being part of a hundred strong convoy of planes, bikes, lorries, cars and helicopters converging on the blinking icon all with the same aim, to be the one to finish off Bahamut (gay!).

5) Bahamut is hovering above San Fierro and as you get closer you can see Squadrons of jet fighters launch streams of missiles, some of which hitting their targets, Bahamut then picks up a nearby articulated lorry and throws it at one of the jets resulting in a mid air explosion. Other players drive their motorbikes of off buildings, jump from their bikes and land on Bahamut in acts of fearless bravado. Meanwhile, helicopters turn up gatling guns blazing. A nearby lorry with a trailer has ten people standing on the back firing RPGs into Bahamuts face. Then after countless player deaths Bahamut starts to fly into the air as a giant blue fireball gradually expand in front of his mouth (FF:AC anyone?). Seasoned players know that this is his (her?) special attack and turn to get as far away as possible. Noobs still fire into Bahamut from nearby buildings. Bahamut then reaches his highest point and releases a giant fireball into the ground. Players far away see the flame ball impact the ground, the screen flashes white and the game goes silent for seconds then a powerful shock wave sends players and vehicles flying in every direction as a crashing noise deafens the nearest players. Surviving players then scramble to find nearby vehicles and salvage the weapons of the dead and head back into the brawl. Eventually Bahamut is taken down. Individual players stats and a replay are then available for everyone to browse and awards a given for high amounts of damage inflicted, stunts, acts of suicidal madness. Players then have enough time to head back to base for a post mortem, weapon selection and vehicle tooling up before another message appears “Leviathan spotted off the coast”…………

6) The game could be made even better by making players choose one of four factions when they first start. Players then have to fight the latest monster that attacks San Andreas as well as sabotage other factions efforts and fight for resources when not on missions. A whole other sidegame could be fought between factions to secure a mega-weapon (think the Mega Tank from Advance Wars or a Battle Cruiser for sea battles) which can inflict high amounts of damage. These mega-weapons are by no means invincible to enemy faction fire and are painfully slow but if captured and deployed carefully they can turn the tide of a battle. The factions that take down the latest monster are awarded with rare weapons and vehicles as well as extra kudos.

7) The game developers that make this game should employ people to play as the monsters thus allowing intelligent action as well as unpredictable behaviour to keep players on their toes. For offline play AI will suffice due to the dramatically decreased number of hunters.

I only used Final Fantasy summons as an example for ease of reference rather than describe “a variety of large monsters”.

This game would be great because it encourages team play, tactics, innovative play (if you want to try to parachute out of a plane and chainsaw a monster through the head give it a shot!) as well as being a lot of fun. I couldn’t give a shit about realistic graphics look at WoW, glitchy shoulder blade articulation (as well as the comical planet sized cobbles in Stormwind).
You can make as many GTA clones as you want but most makers-of-True Crime-types just try to copy, it or copy it and add those other beloved staples of bullet time etc. But that is all we want a fun, cooperative, pick up and play, addictive game that lets you play other games if you want to.

There is obviously great potential for Resident Evil: San Andreas but that’s a musing for another post…………

David Gilmour Madness

As much as i hate blogs which link to youtube:

1. David Bowie
2. More David Bowie
3. Echoes
4. More Echoes


Londonage Part 5

Step 5. See David Gilmour.

Yep well, this was the main reason I even ventured out of grey rainy Scotland. The concert was on Monday 29th May at the Albert hall. And was IMMENSE, seriously one of the best fucking gigs of my life, EVER!!! For those of you who don’t know David Gilmour is, he is the Lead Vocalist and Guitarist in Pink Floyd, and if you don’t know who Pink Floyd are then: fuck off, curl up and die, and burn in hell you fucking philistine.

I’d like to see anyone top this gig, I dare you:

  1. David Gilmour.
  2. Richard Wright (Pink Floyd vocalist/keyboardist).
  3. Crosby and Nash (From Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young) as his Harmony Vocals.
  4. David Gilmour.
  5. The Whole of his new album: On an Island.
  6. A 20 minute version of Echo’s (a la Live in Pompeii)
  7. David Gilmour.
  8. David Bowie!*
  9. David Gilmour.

*Yeah! David Fucking Bowie! The last two songs Daid Gilmour says, “I’d like to introduce on stage a good friend of mine… Mr David Bowie” then he sings the Syd Barrett song Arnold Lane, and the speaky bit in Comfortably Numb!

Step 5: See David Gilmour. CHECK.

Score: Richie 4: London 1

To be continued....

More than a woman

Hey Zangief nice ears! Have you ever thought about male modelling? With that beard and that bulge, gamers of all persuasions would lust after you. Hey, in fact whilst other "boys" were pausing the screen whilst Chun-Li was kicking to get a flash of the pixellated gash but I was pausing you to get a nice ass shot.

Londonage Part 4

Step 4. Purchase/Drink a Cosmopolitan with a Straight face.

This was a Challenge actually set by one of the Scottish. The plan was to go to some “upmarket” pub/club and actually order a Cosmopolitan with a straight face. A fairly easy challenge, however due to the fact that London is big and Me and Cunzy have no sense of direction we failed miserably to even find a fucking “upmarket bar”. Hell we even fucked up going to the XL Centre in London’s Docklands for some Cars-tits-sports-jaropening conference (anime and video game conference), we ended up in Islington because:
1. Islington has a conference centre
2. It’s in

Step 4: Purchase/Drink a Cosmopolitan with a Straight face. DENIED.

Score: Richie 3: London 1

To be continued....

Top 10: Part 2

Cunzys top 10 computer game characters he like to get screenshots/photos of cos-players of, so that he can get hard, as nothing else does it now.

  1. Zangief
  2. Barret (but only with the Comedic Punching Glove weapon)
  3. Steiner
  4. All Kingdom Hearts Characters
  5. Nanaki (Red XIII) and his dad when he cries
  6. Paras
  7. Sweet Tooth
  8. Blinky Bill (shadow of memories)
  9. Walter Sulivan (Silent Hill 4)
  10. Default Man

Saturday, June 03, 2006


Singing the Resident Evil 2 script in L337 to the Buffy the VAmpire Slayer Musical soundtrack on your ipod whilst roleplaying Magic: the Gathering in Yuna cosplay and wearing Nintendo Boxershorts with Advent Children in the background on the TV.

Top Ten

Richie's top ten hottest video game characters:

1) Sherry- RE2
2) Rikku- FFX (not FFX-2)
3) Ash Ketchum
4) Aeris (whilst she is dead, but still warm)
5) Young Lara Croft- Tomb Raider Legend & Chronicles
6) Cloud (During wheelchair sequence)
7) Little Cloud (During flashback sequence)
8) Little Aeris (During flashback sequence)
9) Marlene- FFVII
10) Nemesis- RE3

Dude. That is just wrong (except 1,2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8 & 9). Sicko

Friday, June 02, 2006


Richie was asking about gay characters in computer games the other day. I wasn't I was watching straight porn, driving my massive 6 litre-4 cylinder-8 diameter alloyed car to play a sport whilst opening really tight jars for women.

However are there any? Other than Tara and Willow in the Buffy games. There are a lot of trannys and this seems to be ok with the Japanese and the Federation-of-American-Mothers-for-the-purification-of-filth-on-all-types-of-media-god-that-bastard-father-of-your-is-working-late-at-the-office-again. However, bona-fide out there gay characters seem to be a no-no. How about an aggressive gay beat'm'up character who says "Show me the Butt" when he wins?

There are the gay guys in vice city who walk around saying lyrics from YMCA (I presume they are gay. My American friend tells me that they all wear blue Hawaian Shirts and have ginger hair). There is also Squall who passes up the chance to tap Quistis to spend it moping around saying ..... to everyone he meets. Closet gay. I was never too sure about Vega.

In fact most computer game characters don't express their sexuality or their sexual desires. To protect the kidz I guess. To be honest the more they know about it before their first encounter the better. Still in rated games why not?
How about in RPGs having a horny bar that fills up over time and when it is full you can't cast spells or use items and all other characters become walking genitalia until you bone a pro, find a quiet spot and tap the masturbate button or cyber someone. (for WoW players read buy another version of Ipod, upload your ipodphotos to Flickr or feed your cat).

How come it's ok for Pokemon to have implied shagging and reproduction in it and yet any vague intent of showing two human(oid) characters flirting with each other, with more in mind than a crap kiss in the closing FMV, can't or hasn't been potrayed other than lame prostitute/girlfriend encounters in GTA. Even the sex minigame in Fahrenheit was seen a controversial. Personally I think the fact that Carla shags Lucas (Lucky boy twice in one game?) when he is technically dead is more of an eyebrow raiser.

Even Pyramid Head gets a bang.

A crap review i did for Soul Calibur 3

I did this a while ago, I was trying to be impartial, but instead I pretty much explain the whole game…

Soulcalibur 3: Changing the face of Fighting

Back in 1996 - The Spice Girls were on their Global Domination, the Prodigy were starting fires, Jim Carrey was sorting Ferris Bueller’s Cable TV, and Channel 4 was our last salvage for late night Manga. Some of us were also surfing the glorious learning curve of a game called Soul Blade on the Playstation. Soul Blade (Namco) when released was often referred to as Tekken with swords, and to a certain extent “they” were correct as many of the mechanics integral to the Tekken series were translated to this game. However Soul Blade mixed these Tekken Mechanics with Stunning Character designs, breathtaking visuals, a music score (which offered a remix option) worthy of carrying round on your Discman, and on top of all that the characters had big wooshy Swords!

The Soul Blade/Soulcalibur series is now going into its 10th year, the latest entry "Soulcalibur 3" has to be the most innovative of the series. This title caters mainly of the fan-base of the series, including a full roster of all previous characters dating back to those hazy days of 1996.

In this incarnation of the series players are treated to a huge variety of single player options with independent storylines for most characters offering multiple paths through each characters storyline leading to multiple endings. In addition to the single player storyline the player is offered a selection of different modes such as a tournament mode, and a selection of different scenarios to win, including fighting a “Colossal” stone giant, first hit kills, and coin collecting. All these modes alone allow for a meaty sequel in the Soulcalibur series. But on top of all this the most welcome addition in this series is the custom character creation and the story mode that comes with it.

The character creation section of this game is huge! There is an immense number of character options, on a par with the character creation options found in many of the sports titles such as Tiger Woods or Tony Hawk. Annoyingly at the start only a few items of armour/clothing are available. Once the player progresses through the game, more and more weapons/armour/items will be unlocked, also when progressing, the player will be collecting gold allowing for further purchases of weapons/armour/items to be bought at the shop. Each of the characters that are created chooses from different professions, such as a Monk, Thief or a Pirate (with many more professions to be unlocked as the player goes through the game). Each of the professions then has specialisations in certain weapons, e.g. the Barbarian is proficient in Two-handed swords and Giant Axes. Each of these weapons has its own unique move-set, and thus they are not rip-offs of the standard characters in the game. But on that note as the custom character goes up levels in the “Chronicles of the sword” section the professions will unlock the souls (fighting styles) of the standard characters, e.g. The Barbarian unlocks the “Soul of Astaroth”, and can use all of the standard character Astaroth’s moves.

The Chronicles of the Sword is a section of the game where a custom character is created and it follows a plot using a RTS-type interface where the players created character(s) can battle enemies as they encounter them on the map. The plot is centred around your created character and flows through the game using an experience system, so as the missions proceed your characters skills improve.

All in all, the game has plenty of playability and plenty of re-playability. There are several beautiful little features that make Soulcalibur 3 such as hidden paths in the Story line and unlocking further character classes. There are also the compulsory art galleries with hundreds of images to unlock.

History of Soulcalibur
1996 - Soul Blade. (PS1)
1999 - Soulcalibur. (DC)
2003 - Soulcalibur 2. (PS2, GC, Xbox)
2005 - Soulcalibur 3. (PS2, Unconfirmed for Xbox360)

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Forgive Me Father for I have sinned

I have a confession to make. Richie lost a game of Guitar Hero to a girl. No shame there you might say!

But he actually plays the guitar.

And he is a "boy".